FicWad

I close my eyes tightly and inhale a final breath before the deed is done. Will it end? Is fate on my side, or is it against me? I suppose it does not matter to me anymore, anyways. Whatever the outcome, I will accept it with a smile. I feel my finger on the trigger. This is for my dear Gerard. He deserves so much better than me. I smile out the window and slowly count the moment down in my head…
Three.

Two.

One-

You know what? Let me back up a little bit. Let’s go back to the beginning. It all started at about ten o’clock in the morning to-day at a little hell that I like to call, school.

~~

“Hey, Frank,” Bert smiled to me. But this wasn’t a kind smile by any means. This was a smile that twisted my stomach and gave me premonitions that something terrible, awful, was about to happen. And that is exactly what happened.

You see, Bert was my friend, but not my “real” friend. A few years ago, I had been depressed and tried to kill myself every night. I was bullied and called a “faggot” every day. It grew to be too much. So one night, I wanted to make sure that this would really be the end. I fashioned a masterpiece of a noose and headed to the abandoned park at midnight to perform the deed. Bert happened to be there and watched me attach the rope to the tree. He approached me and took my hand and told me that everything was going to be okay. He eventually talked me out of it and over time, coaxed me to love him. I was a fool to believe his lies. I was so stupid, so naïve.

Bert abused me and used me as his puppet. He made me join in on his torment to other classmates. I soon realized that he had saved me only because I was weak and he needed someone to push around and do his dirty work, which I ended up doing simply because I was blinded with love for him.

This love faded away one day when Bert, his crew, and I found a crying boy sitting on a park bench one afternoon after school. They chased him and hit him, but I couldn’t move. I noticed his beautiful face shining with pale luster. His hazel eyes were like endless oceans of sparkling green and brown hues. His gorgeous jet-black hair was tousled and long, falling on his face in perfectly messy strands. I wanted to save him, but what could I do? They were so strong, and I was so weak.

Once they were finished beating and abusing him, they laughed and turned to go on about their day, but I snuck away and ran back to the boy. When I approached his bruised body, I knelt down and looked into his eyes knowingly. He looked scared and cowered, afraid that I would hit him like everyone else did. Instead, I gave him a sad smile and lifted up my shirt to show him all my bruises and scars. He gasped, eyes wide. I let a small, depressed laugh escape my lips and took his hand to help him off of the cold ground.

“I’m Frank,” I whispered, being cautious not to scare him. He had been through enough already.

“Ger-Gerard,” he sobbed. I leant in to give him a hug. He looked like he could use some kindness.

After he had calmed down a bit, I took him to my home and cleaned him up a bit. I told him to be quiet, as to not disturb my quick-angered father who would surely let me know of his disproval through a few quick punches. That night, Gerard curled up to me and fell asleep clenching my tee shirt and crying. I tried to comfort him as best as I could. The feeling of being wanted was new to me, and I liked it. I thought perhaps this would be the start of something good, but of course, Bert quite disproved of our newfound friendship.

Bert beat both of us and would never let me see Gerard. However, that did not stop me. Whenever I could, I met Gerard in a secret place that we had discovered in the park one day. Quickly, we grew to be very close friends. I told him everything, and he returned the favor to me. He tried to convince me to leave Bert; that he was good for nothing but causing me pain. He told me sweet nothings about how he could make everything better; that I didn’t need Bert. But it was all too complicated. There was no way I could escape. I dug my grave to deep that I could never climb out. Nevertheless, I wished and dreamt of being with Gerard. The love I once had for Bert was completely replaced with that of the love for Gerard. He was perfect. Everything about him was perfect; which was why I could never deserve him.

I blinked a few times, and then answered Bert, returning from my zoned out mindset. “Yes?”

“What? You aren’t happy to see me?” Bert asked with venomous fake-sadness.

“What do you need, Bert?” I questioned, defeated.

“A couple friends of mine are going to play a little game tonight. I told them you would be there,” he grinned with absolute evil.

“What… what kind of game?” I looked at him cautiously. Nothing good at all was coming from this… and I was very aware of it.

“Just a little game, Frankie! I even went out and got this to play it with!” he spoke cheerily and manically.

I watched with stomach-churning terror as he reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a revolver. A revolver…. I stood there in shock as he tilted his head back and laughed at my facial expression. It took a while for me to process what he was planning, but after a while of thinking, I decided that this might not be such a bad idea.

‘I can finally end it all! No one will be able to stop me!’ I thought to myself, smiling a bit. But soon my smile faded. What about Gerard? What would he say? What would he do? These questions filled up my brain. I was scared of the answers, but I knew that I was going to have to go through with this, whether I wanted to or not. Reason One: Bert would make me. Reason Two: I wanted to go through with it.

~~

School had ended and I was about to be on my way to one of Bert’s friends’ houses, but I decided to go and visit Gerard before I met my ultimate demise. There was always a chance that I wouldn’t die tonight, of course. But if I did die, I wanted to tell Gerard goodbye. I loved him. I needed to see him. That is what I was going to do.

I ran all the way there and let an involuntary grin spread from ear to ear when I saw him standing against the brick wall underneath the park bridge. I wrapped my arms around him, letting his warmth take over my senses. If I died, I would miss this. I would miss it so terribly much. Just the thought of never seeing him again brought tears to my eyes. I tried my best to not let Gerard see them, but he was quick to notice.

“Frankie, what’s wrong?” he whispered.

“I- I can’t… I can’t te-tell you!” I sobbed, clutching to his shirt with all my might. I no longer cared if I looked like a little child. I was torn. Part of me thought that leaving would be best, but the other part just wanted to stay right here with Gerard for the night. Bert would find me, though. He always did. So I needed to grow up and say my goodbyes.

“You can tell me anything, doll,” he cooed.

“I don’t- don’t want y-you to get hurt!”

“Shh, peach. Tell me what’s wrong. I promise I will make it better. What did that bad man do to you?”

I wanted so bad to tell him everything, but that would be foolish of me. Instead, I stepped up on my tip-toes and kissed across his jaw line. He held me close and rocked me back and forth. When I felt my pulse begin to slow down slightly, I gathered my confidence and spoke up.

“I’ll miss you, Gerard.”

After confessing this, I kissed his jaw once more and turned to run for the friend’s house without giving Gerard a chance to stop me. It would be better this way, I was sure of it. But what if I didn’t die? I had such mixed emotions. My brain was not focusing properly, but I did not give it any chance to clear up.

~~

We were all gathered around in a Bert’s friend’s basement. His parent weren’t home that night, which made it the perfect setting for this horrid game. We all watched in silence as Bert pulled out the revolver from his bookbag once more. This time, however, he would not simply laugh and place it back inside.

Each of us seemed to simply look around the room for a few moments. No one talked to anyone, we just pondered silently inside the safety of our own minds. Perhaps we were all thinking the same thing, “One of us will die tonight. Will it be me?”

“Alright, I’ll go first,” Bert spoke up, destroying the silence with his shaky voice. It seemed that he was attempting to be confident, but was failing miserably. His hands were shaking as he held the gun up to his head. One, two, three, four, five seconds went by before he pulled the trigger. We all waited in silence. Our hearts beating fast, but… nothing. Bert smiled with venom and passed the gun to his friend right of him.

The boy nodded slowly and held his breath. One, two- he did not seem to want to wait. After only two seconds, he pulled the trigger. Once again, we held our breaths, but let out a deflated exhale when nothing at all happened.

Three more boys went, all remaining alive. I counted all the members of the room. There were seven of us. Doing the math in my head, I discovered that five had gone and survived. There were only two of us left. I had a fifty-fifty chance of surviving tonight. I did not dare breathe or move as the boy beside me was handed the revolver. Time completely stopped. This was life or death.

I saw the boy’s eyes fill with tears. Surely he had realized his own chances of surviving. We were in the exact same boat, only fate would have here say with one of us, leaving the other free. Maybe I wanted to die. Maybe I wanted this all to just stop. However, my thoughts kept being filled with Gerard. Would he be sad? Would he be angry? Well, I did not have time to think of such things, as the boy next to me was holding the gun up to his head and letting sparkling tears fall down from his face.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five… Six… Seven….

“Just pull it!” Bert yelled.

The unexpected harshness in Bert’s tone must have scared the boy, and he ended up pulling the trigger accidently. However, we soon gathered that nothing had happened; he was still alive. I suppose he was happy to get it over with. He looked content, but his expression turned grave as he passed the gun to me. I simply smiled back with as much courage as I could muster.

Everyone’s eyes fell on me. The room went dead silent. I could tell that this time, there would be no sudden outbreaks because there was no suspense left. Everyone knew that I was going to die.

I silently gathered my last thoughts:

‘Here I am, sitting in this room playing Russian Roulette. I can feel my finger ‘round the trigger. It’s so cold. Maybe it will be better this way. Goodbye, Gerard. I love you.’

I took a deep breath and pulled the gun up to my head. This is it. My eyes traveled up to the basement window. I decided that I would like my last sight to be something pleasant. Perhaps I would see a bird fly by or a glimpse of a dandelion blowing away in the wind. But what I saw… well, it was not expected at all.

Out through the window, I saw his backdrop silhouette. It was coming closer. His facial expression crushed my heart. Everything was a blur. Thoughts and memories rushed into my brain. I can’t stop the wave of emotions from hitting me like a ton of bricks.

The hurtful words from my enemies through the last five years. What will it be like to die alone? Tears freezing on my face when I cried alone in the wintertime. I can hear it! Broken glass! Screams! The blood in my veins seems twenty below! The sounds of present and the words from the past overwhelm me! His voice! Is he here? In the room with me right now?! I’m sorry Gerard! I can’t take this anymore!

I close my eyes tightly and inhale a final breath before the deed is done. Will it end? Is fate on my side, or is it against me? I suppose it does not matter to me anymore, anyways. Whatever the outcome, I will accept it with a smile. I feel my finger on the trigger. This is for my dear Gerard. He deserves so much better than me. I smile out the window and slowly count the moment down in my head…
Three.

Two.

One…

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