Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Feels like drowning

Chapter thirteen

by XxlovefrankieroxX 5 reviews

Sorry for the wait guys! The next chapter will be quicker, its already written just needs to be beta'd :)

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG - Genres: Drama,Fantasy,Romance - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way - Published: 2013-10-22 - 3704 words

Gerard couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t paint. He could barely even eat. He felt sick and tired and like he wasn’t going to get any better. His muscles were stiff and full of tension, his body anticipating the moment Frank left… A moment which seemed to be getting closer much faster than it should have been.

Days used to drag for Gerard, weeks used to feel like they took an age. But his final week with Frank had disappeared like sand through his fingers The hourglass was empty and no matter how much Gerard tried to ignore it and pretend that he still had time, his sand had all run out.

The night was cool and eerily silent when Frank and Gerard stepped out onto the deserted streets. It was midweek so no one was out at this time, the bars and clubs held their appeal only on weekends. There were the few odd regulars who always went to the local pub no matter the day or the weather, but they had all gone home now. It was two in the morning, and no one wanted to be around the sea front at night anymore.

Gerard held Frank’s hand tight, their fingers laced and the blood almost cut off by how desperately they held onto each other. They didn’t pass a single person on their way to the harbour; there were no cars on the road. A sea fog was rolling in, causing the light from the street lamps to blur and stretch around them like a smudged halo of orange. Gerard almost hoped they would pass someone, someone like a police officer who would tell them it was dangerous to be out in these conditions at this time and force them to go home.

Gerard just wanted Frank to come home.

Though both men were feeling anxious and upset, Frank was able to keep a mask of calm on his face. He forced himself to keep up a strong façade for Gerard’s sake. He knew the artist was finding this a lot harder than he was and he worried over how Gerard was going to cope for their year apart. He had promised over and over all week that he wouldn’t give up on Frank, that he definitely would wait for him, but Frank couldn’t help but feel nervous that Gerard would grow tired of waiting with a broken heart and give up on the man who seemed to be nothing but a dream.

“I will come back to you Gee.” Franks whispered words were the first to be said since they had agreed it was time to leave the apartment twenty minutes ago and they cut through the cool night air like something unnatural. Gerard had been walking like a lost soul, eyes staring blankly ahead and face expressionless. When Frank spoke it crushed his life back into his body and reminded him he wasn’t a ghost.

“I know.” Gerard’s response was automatic, but he forced a weak smile and looked at Frank for a moment. He could see that Frank was frightened and upset, just like he was, and he loosened their fingers for a moment before squeezing Frank’s hand comfortingly. “I’ll wait for you.”

“Don’t ever doubt me.” Frank whispered, his voice cracked and intense, full of desperation. “Don’t ever let yourself start to believe that I don’t love you. Or that I… That I don’t exist.” It felt like a bizarre request, but Frank had been thinking a lot about returning home and he knew that humans were so convinced that mythical creatures didn’t exist that it wouldn’t be unlikely for Gerard to wonder if perhaps he had imagined all their time together.

Gerard blushed at Frank’s words and looked ahead for a moment. He too had considered whether he would be able to hold onto the belief that this had all been real. Whilst he was with Frank he didn’t question his sanity, Frank was just too real to be a figment of his imagination. But sometimes when he was out selling his art or shopping without Frank it became almost easy to doubt that Frank would be in the apartment when he got back. Sometimes he got frighteningly close to believing that Frank wasn’t real.

“I know you exist Frank.” Gerard finally looked back to the merman and tried not to let the guilt in his heart show on his face. “I won’t believe otherwise. I will wait for you. It’s only a year… and then we can be together again.” Gerard was trying to be strong now. He could tell that Frank was doubting him and he didn’t want him to return to the ocean with the worry that Gerard wouldn’t be there for him when he came back. He would wait whether he thought that made him crazy or not.

Frank nodded and sighed, trying to feel relieved. He squeezed Gerard’s hand gently and focused on looking forward again. He could tell they were close to the sea because the fog was thicker, the scent stagnant and mingling with the smell of salt and seaweed, making Frank’s stomach churn. He wondered if he should feel excited to return home, or whether it would even feel like home at all when he got back to the town. Gerard’s warm flat that smelt of coffee and cheap clothes detergent felt more like home now.

The two men reached the harbour in what felt like no time, both of their hearts sinking as they stepped onto the pier and slowly slid beneath the hand rails to drop down onto the slim stretch of sand beneath. The tide was in and the fog laid atop the water like a curtain of mist.

Gerard shivered and hugged his jacket tighter around himself as Frank slowly began to strip of his own clothes. With each layer he removed he could feel the tiny drops of water in the air clinging to his skin. He shuddered and his teeth began to chatter as he dropped first his hoody, then his shirt, jeans and socks onto the sand.

Frank hesitated at his underwear, looking down at his legs and his feet for a moment before he looked up at Gerard and felt tears welling his eyes.

“I guess this is goodbye then.” The words got half stuck in Frank’s throat and he had to force them out with a pathetic sniff. He wiped quickly at the tears that had started to track down his cheeks and then tiptoed up to wrap his arms around Gerard’s neck. He pressed tight to his body and tucked his face into his neck, crying quietly.

“I’ll miss you…”

“I’ll miss you more.” Gerard whispered, trying to chuckle but it just sounded like a sob instead. “It’s not forever.” He reminded Frank quietly, though in his mind he could only think of how it might as well be.

“Stay safe in there, and get back to me soon.” He whispered into Frank’s hair, kissing down his jaw and trying hard to swallow down his tears. Frank nodded meekly into his neck, whispering ‘I promise’ into the soft skin beneath Gerard’s ear before he leant back to kiss him.

Gerard gripped at Frank’s back as he encased him in his arms, kissing him long and hard. Frank squeezed his eyes shut and kissed Gerard until his lungs burnt; he caught snatches of air between presses of lips and felt his heart swelling and thumping painfully in his chest. It felt like it was trying to expand and burst and all he could think was /don’t say goodbye don’t say goodbye don’t say goodbye/.

“I love you…” Gerard finally forced himself to break the kiss after five minutes had passed and his lips were tingling. It took him another five minutes to finally be able to take his arms from around Frank and step back.

“I love you.” Frank replied through a sob, keeping his eyes fixed on Gerard as he shyly pushed his underwear down his legs and stepped out of them, leaving them crumpled with his other clothes. He wasn’t even trying to hide his crying now and he sobbed and gulped as he stood naked in the cold. “Sia then…”

“Oh God.” Gerard was unable to hold back his own tears in the face of Frank’s and he pulled his lover quickly back into his arms, holding him tight and kissing him over and over again. “Don’t go… please don’t go. You don’t have to go.”

“No I do… I do Gerard, please.” Frank was crying harder now. He couldn’t bear to hear Gerard beg him to stay, not when he desperately wished he could. “I have to go. But I’ll come back. I’ll come back.”

The promise lingered on their lips and in the air as Frank pried himself off Gerard and took a deep breath. He was able to calm his tears just enough to whisper a final ‘love you’ before he turned to walk into the water.

Gerard was sobbing harder now, clutching his chest as if it hurt. He watched Frank walk until he was knee deep in the water and then he suddenly jolted forward, as if he was going to try and stop Frank from leaving, but the merman suddenly dived into the waves before Gerard could even open his mouth.

Gerard stood, stunned at the water’s edge. Tears left smears on his cheeks and his mouth hung open as his heart raced. He could feel himself shaking but whether from cold or something else he couldn’t tell. He hesitated a moment, listening intently and staring at the spot Frank had disappeared. It felt like his senses and his mind had gone into slow motion and an age seemed to pass before he realised he was waiting to see if Frank changed his mind and was coming back. And once it became clear he wasn’t he began to shake his head, crying and shouting as he charged into the water.

“Frank! FRANK! No, no come back! Come BACK! FRANK!”

Water was splashed upwards by Gerard’s knees and arms, his clothes getting saturated as he waded deeper and deeper into the water, getting up to his chest before he realised there was no hope in finding Frank anymore and he stopped. His sobs sounded loud and obscene tearing from his chest but he couldn’t stop them. He ran his hand through his hair and clung at his wet shirt over his heart as he cried Frank’s name over and over again.

In the water Frank was deaf to Gerard’s screams. The metamorphosis was slow to begin after so long of being out of the ocean and Frank had to use his human legs to swim deeper and deeper into the water. He was still sobbing and he couldn’t stop, he could feel water filling his lungs but he didn’t care. For a time he was blind, but as the change finally began to grip him he doubled over and gasped as gills opened up on his neck.

Frank could hear his sobs now and he wrapped his arms around himself, shuddering through the sensation of his legs fusing together and scales lifting out of his skin. His fingers became webbed and small water currents were created by his gills rapidly sucking in water with each sob that wracked his body.

Frank used to love who he was. He used to love being a merman and when he had first turned back into a merman after being human it had been a relief to know he could still go through the metamorphosis. But it didn’t feel like relief anymore. It didn’t feel like home. It felt like drowning.


Gerard felt strange as he stepped into his apartment and trod wet footprints into the carpet on his way to the bathroom. He wasn’t sure which emotion was strongest in him; sadness, anger, loneliness and disbelief were all churning inside him making him feel sick.

The walk home had been cold and miserable to say the least. Gerard had spent a while in the sea, shivering and crying and praying that Frank would return. He had given up only when the cold biting into his limbs became too painful and his voice had grown too weak to call Frank’s name anymore.

Even though he knew it was impossible Gerard hadn’t been able to stop himself from hoping Frank had somehow overtaken him and got back to the apartment first. Maybe he would be sat outside the door, shivering and waiting for Gerard to get home and let him in… But of course Frank wasn’t there, and Gerard’s heart sank with disappointment as he walked through the apartment and into the bathroom.

Gerard turned the shower on straight away to fill the room with its hot steam before he slowly peeled his wet clothes off himself. His skin felt raw and gritty from the salt that had rubbed between his skin and the layers of his clothes. He even had a few red patches over his body where the rubbing had caused a rash, just making him feel even more hideous.

The hot water of the shower brought some life back to his limbs and made him feel a little more human, but it did nothing to lift his heavy heart. He supposed he shouldn’t feel so upset, he had had a whole week to brace himself for this night and he knew there was no point moping about it. But knowing that didn’t make it any easier and so he resorted himself to sulking as he washed the salt from his skin and then slowly sat down to lean against the corner of the shower cubicle.

Gerard drew his knees up to his chest and bowed his head against them, closing his eyes and focusing on the sensation of the water drumming against his back. He felt weak and sick, exhausted but not sleepy. He tried to stop himself from thinking about Frank and his year of oncoming loneliness, instead he tried to count each drop of water that came into contact with his skin and when that proved too hard he switched to controlling his breathing… Inhale for five seconds… Exhale for five seconds… relax his muscles… inhale for five seconds… exhale…

Gerard didn’t know how long he sat on the shower floor for. It could have been days for all he cared. He didn’t want to move at all. He could have sat there for the entire year… if it wasn’t for the fact the hard floor made his backside grow numb after a while and he struggled back to his feet to alleviate the cramp in his spine.

The bathroom was so full of steam by the time Gerard turned off the shower and wrapped himself in a towel that it almost looked like the sea fog outside. He got dried as quickly as he could and left his damp clothes still on the floor to walk naked to his bedroom and throw on an old pair of pyjamas.

It felt strange as he walked back to the kitchen to make a drink, intending to spend the rest of the night sat up watching TV since he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. The apartment was empty and lonely without Frank, and yet at the same time it felt normal… It felt like Gerard had woken up after a two month dream and was back in the exact same place he had been in before he found Frank at the harbour.

Gerard felt nervous as he made his cocoa, wondering how he was going to keep it in his mind that Frank was real… They had never taken any photos together, and Frank had only ever borrowed things which belonged to Gerard. He had never had anything that was purely his own which Gerard could use as evidence that he existed. Gerard knew he shouldn’t let himself believe he had imagined his lover, but already the apartment felt too much like Frank had never been there…

Gerard wracked his brain for something that he could use as personal evidence that Frank had been here, and would return again. It was only when the dawn was breaking outside, and he was beginning to drift off on the sofa that he suddenly remembered the painting Frank had done that first day together and he shot to his feet as if he had been electrocuted.

The painting was with a few other canvases in a cupboard where Gerard stored uncompleted or unsellable work. He seized the whole stack and dropped to his knees on the floor, going through them rapidly like a man possessed before halfway through he found it… Frank’s painting of a mermaid.

Immediately Gerard calmed down, his hands trembling as he slowly lifted the canvas and looked at it. He smiled slowly, his heart aching but also lightening slightly. This was what he needed, this would be enough to remind him that at the end of his year long wait Frank would return.

The fog outside melted away in the first rays of sunlight, the bright blue sky making it seem impossible that such a dreary night could ever have happened. Gerard was fast asleep in the living room, warmed by the golden light that shone through the window and lit up Frank’s canvas which was now hanging on the wall.


When Jamia woke up it was to find herself encased in Bob’s arms, her body draped across his firm chest. She felt as though the past two months had been filled with nothing but problems and sadness, and finally she had broken down against Bob and begged him not to leave her alone that night. As a result he had stayed with her, and somehow they had become entangled as they both slept.

Jamia blushed as she slowly lifted herself off Bob, drifting to his side and lying down on her front. He continued to sleep soundly and she breathed a small sigh of relief that he didn’t seem to be aware of how they had spent the night. She knew it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but for some reason it just felt like it was…

Jamia sat up after a moment and ran her hands over her forehead to gather up her hair and pull it back into a pony tail. She secured it with a strip of seaweed which had been wrapped around her wrist and then kicked off the ground to swim to the centre of town and see if there was any more news on the Sirens. She didn’t want Bob to wake up with her beside him, though she couldn’t really explain why.

Jamia felt odd as she swam through the quiet town, it earlier than she had first realised. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling, she had spent nights curled around friends before. But being curled around Bob didn’t feel the same. She had felt incredibly safe with his strong arms around her, and she had felt strangely embarrassed at the thought of him waking up and seeing her.

Jamia hoped she hadn’t done something that was going to ruin their friendship which had been making them feel closer every day. She couldn’t see why she would have done, but for some reason it was still worrying her. Something just felt different in her that morning and it made her feel anxious as she swam to where the meeting had been held the day before.

It was still too early for anyone else to be awake, and Jamia sighed as she sat down on a rock jutting out of the sand. She knew that if the Sirens had been any trouble in the night then the alarm would have been sounded by now and everyone would be awake and panicking. The silence of the town was soothing; for now at least nothing more had happened.

As Jamia sat by herself she gazed around through the water, enjoying her serenity. She hadn’t felt relaxed in a long time, but sat by herself she slowly began to release the tension in her muscles and calm down. The Sirens suddenly felt very far away…

For a long while Jamia’s peace was left unbroken, but eventually a movement caught her eye and she turned her head to see a shadow moving through the water towards her. Immediately her heart soared into her mouth and she sprung upright, turning to face the oncoming shadow. It was still early, but not so early that the shadow couldn’t be just another merperson from the town. But in her paranoia Jamia couldn’t help but fear that it was a Siren.

Jamia considered swimming away but her muscles were paralyzed. She could only stare in fear as the shadow drew closer and closer, moving slowly as if it was taking its time. Jamia considered calling out to it, or screaming for help, but in the end she stayed silent.

It felt like forever but in fact it was only seconds before the shadow grew close enough that she could begin to make out features. She relaxed when she realised the body was male; a merman… The head was bowed, as if the man was exhausted.

Jamia frowned, she felt as though she could recognise the merman but she wasn’t sure. She began to swim forward to see who it was, and then she saw the tail… Red and black, and so familiar that by the time Frank was lifting his head to look around she was already fainting onto the ocean floor.
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