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Chapter Thirty-One: In the Cold Light of Morning:

Hisoka lied awake in his bed. He hated this feeling coming for him again. It happened during his come-down days. His despair would back for no real reason. Ignoring only made it grow more painful.

"Aw," Kohaku cooed. "Baby can't sleep?" Hisoka turned over and gritted his teeth.

"Shut up," he hissed. The kitsune smirked at him.

"What's wrong?" it asked. Hisoka drew knees to his chest. Kohaku looked at him with genuine pity.

"Come on," the child said. "Talk to me." Hisoka huddled himself closer to a ball. Kohaku sighed as it lied down next to the host.

"I won't last long," it admitted.

"And why is that?" Hisoka asked. Kohaku cuddled up to his back. The shinigami climbed out of bed frowning. Kohaku watched him as he walked over to the mirror. Hisoka stared at his reflection for the first time since forever. One look at his tired eyes made him want to vomit. Kohaku climbed out of bed to join him. It rested its arms around his shoulders.

"Tell me," the floating child said. "What do you see?" Hisoka pressed his lips together.

"A loser," he muttered. Kohaku's lips curved into a wicked smile.

"Good," it remarked. "Here's what I also see: A sinner and a cock in a dildo's disguise." Hisoka lowered his head and walked out of the room. Kohaku followed behind eyebrow raised.

"Hisoka-kun?" the kitsune asked. The child followed after him. The shinigami wandered off in discomfort. He fought the urge to vomit on himself.

I can't take this anymore!

Kohaku tilted its head at him. "Where are you going?" it asked. Hisoka shuddered as he held his arm.

Where am I going? I don't like this. Hisoka fought back the sick in his stomach. Kohaku watched with puzzled concern. Last night, it donned on him that it can't really reach its target anymore. The kitsune doesn't know how to take it.

They rounded the corner to the stairs. Hisoka's mind disappeared in his abyss. Each step led him further away from reality. He felt himself sinking further into the emptiness. For the first time, Hisoka felt fear in his numbness. He didn't even know how to break free of it. He noticed how bad this had gotten when even Kohaku freaked out.

Hisoka came to the back glass doors and pushed them open. He didn't even try to justify his actions anymore. Any dignity he had left died away the moment Carrie told him to let Tsuzuki go. No, it died earlier when his partner first fell in love with Anna. Hisoka couldn't handle the rejection his crush gave him. Tsuzuki was the first person in his life he got close to. He didn't expect for him to fall for the big goofball like he did. By the time the boy confessed his feelings to the older shinigami; it was too late. Remembering all of that made Hisoka sink to his knees laughing.

How do I get over that?! It all seemed so stupid now. Hisoka hung his head as his laughter changed into tears.

I hate feeling like this. I want to go back to being close to Tsuzuki again. I just….

Hisoka huddled up into a little ball.

I just want me back!

Suddenly, Hisoka and Kohaku paused and lifted their heads.

"Good morning," a husky, elegant voice greeted them.