FicWad

A/N: This ties in with Rise & Fall of the Machine Guns, but you don't need to read that to understand this.

Additional A/N: "All This Time", by OneRepublic, was the inspiration for this.

Alex Shelley felt like a fool. He had spent over a year wallowing in self-pity, anger, jealousy, and bitterness, and now he was paying the price for it. He’d lost the closest friend he’d ever had, a guy that had been like a brother to him and an inspiration when they were coming up in the wrestling business. And over time, the very same guy had become his lover as well. His “heterosexual life mate”, as Chris had liked to joke publicly, back before they were comfortable enough to tell the entire world that they were in love, and that they really didn’t care who knew it.

It had been Alex’s decision to keep the secret. Chris had absolutely no qualms with revealing his sexuality to the world, but Alex had. He’d told Chris that he was only thinking of their careers, but it was a lie. The truth was that Alex hadn’t been ready to fully accept his own sexuality then. Whether or not Chris knew of Alex’s true intentions was still a mystery to Alex, because if Chris had known, he hadn’t said anything. Chris was laid back and easy going in a way that Alex could never be.

He had never intended to drive Chris away. But Alex had never been able to control his pride and ego very well, and as a result, Chris was gone. Alex had no idea where Chris was right now, or how to get in touch with him. Actually, that last part was a lie. Alex still had Chris’ cell number, but if Alex didn’t want to go that route, there was always social media. Somehow, though, trying to reconcile with his former best friend via social media, where everyone could see, seemed so cheap to Alex. He longed to see Chris in person, but Alex knew that if he did, he would likely screw everything up. It was pretty much how his life went: anything that could be screwed up, he would screw up. It was like the Alex Shelley version of Murphy’s Law.

Chris was a pretty forgiving guy by nature, and Alex knew that he wouldn’t have to resort to huge gestures to get Chris to forgive him, but considering everything that happened, it only seemed right that Alex put forth more effort into getting Chris’ forgiveness than a simple “I’m sorry.” When Alex looked back over the past year and a half, he cringed. He couldn’t believe how immaturely he had acted, and how he had proven everyone that ever called him an asshole and a jerk right. His own selfish pride and anger at TNA and the way that they had treated Alex was part of the reason for his departure, but in truth, Alex had left because he had finally realized the depth of his feelings for Chris, and it was just too much to bear. Carrying all of that weight on his shoulders and holding it in nearly killed Alex inside, but there was no way he was going to tell Chris. There was too much at stake. Selfishly, Alex had been worried that Chris would’ve rejected him, and if that had happened, it would have eaten away at Alex for the rest of his life. Besides, it wasn’t like Alex didn’t have good memories with Chris. He’d just hold on to those for the rest of his life, hoping every single day that they would be enough to keep his regrets at bay.

He had been wrong. And now, as Alex wandered aimlessly around downtown Detroit, trying to ignore the fact that his legs felt like icicles on the verge of shattering, he couldn’t help but play back in his head all the things that he wish he had said, as well as the things that he wished he hadn’t. Being jealous of Chris had done him no favors and had only made Alex feel even worse about himself, which was the problem. In the decade that Alex had known Chris, he had always compared himself to Chris. Alex had felt like he would never be as talented as Chris, as entertaining as Chris, or as well-liked as Chris was. But Chris had never made Alex feel like he needed to change himself. On the contrary, Chris had gone to huge lengths to make Alex feel like he was just fine the way he was. Chris had accepted Alex’s faults and even understood them, which totally baffled Alex. He didn’t even like himself; how could Chris? How could anyone want to spend more than a few hours at a time with him? Alex totally understood and agreed with Petey, Sonjay, Jay, and the majority of his other friends when they said that Alex was the most difficult person in the world to be around. He was moody, insecure, and angry almost all of the time. But when Alex was around Chris, all of his walls went down and he relaxed. He never felt like Chris would judge him for anything that he did or said, and what had Alex done in return? Thrown away a bond that he had wished for his whole life.

You should talk to him. Every fiber of his being was screaming at Alex to go to Chris and talk to him, but he couldn’t do it. Alex had no idea where to begin, and besides that, Chris was probably busy. It was New Year’s Eve, after all. He was probably busy with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend. The word left such a bitter taste in Alex’s mouth that he wanted to gag, but he couldn’t begrudge Chris a relationship. Chris had obviously moved on, and Alex had to respect that. What right did he have to be jealous or angry, or even hurt? Admittedly, Alex hadn’t expected Chris to move on so soon, and definitely not with a girl, but it wasn’t his business anymore. Alex had no right to even think about who Chris was dating. But he couldn’t help it. Alex couldn’t help but wonder if she made Chris laugh the way that he had, if they shared as many interests as Alex and Chris had—seriously, Alex had never met anyone else that he had as much in common with as he had with Chris—, and most importantly, if she loved Chris the way that Alex had, and still did.

It was pointless. The not eating, not sleeping, subsisting on coffee and toast routine that Alex’s life had become was taking a toll on him, and when Alex looked at himself in the mirror, he was horrified. He’d lost a ton of weight, and his eyes were dull and lifeless. Alex felt like an idiot for being so weak. He could’ve avoided all of this if he had just sucked it up and told Chris how he truly felt, but of course he hadn’t done that.

The Michigan winter air was biting, and Alex pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head and jammed his hands deeper into his pockets as he continued walking. Every house on the block was lit up, powered by enough electricity to light up the entire planet, it seemed like. Alex kept walking, purposely averting his gaze when he passed Chris’ house. When they were still friends, Alex had always loved to go to Chris’ house on Christmas Eve. His parents were just as warm and friendly as Alex’s own were, and Alex could see where Chris had gotten his kind and caring nature from. Chris was exactly like his mother.

But that house no longer held comfort or love for Alex, and so he continued walking. The snow crunched and crackled beneath his feet, and Alex was so caught up in his own thoughts that he never noticed that he was being followed until the smooth, warm, familiar voice that he had longed to hear for ages broke through his dreaming.

“Going somewhere?”

Alex didn’t need to look up to see who it was. He kept a careful, practiced look of disinterest on his face as his eyes met Chris’ striking blue ones.

“Yeah, I’m on my way home.”

“By yourself?”

Alex didn’t quite know how to respond; was Chris actually interested or was he just trying to make small talk because he felt that he had to out of politeness? He decided to remain cautiously optimistic while seeming uninterested.

“Yeah. I didn’t really have anything else to do.” His hands jammed even deeper into his coat pockets. “Figured I’d go for a walk.”

Chris nodded.

“If you wouldn’t mind the company, I think I’ll join you.”

Of course I wouldn’t mind the company, Alex thought, but he didn’t say it. Wordlessly, he started walking again, Chris falling into step beside of him. The two of them walked in silence for a few moments before finally stopping at the end of the street. Alex was about to cross the road when a hand on his shoulders stopped him. Surprised, he looked up at Chris. As usual, Alex couldn’t read him. Normally, Chris was a very expressive individual, but his face was a mask of no emotion, and Alex didn’t know what to think. His eyes dropped down to Chris’ hand.

“Why’d you do it, ‘Lex?”

The use of Chris’ old nickname for him set off goosebumps, and Alex hoped that Chris didn’t notice the effect. He stiffened and shrugged in indifference.

“I don’t know. I was an idiot, I guess.” He still couldn’t meet Chris’ eyes.

“If this was my fault, if it was because I got injured twice—“

“No. God, no.” Alex cut him off. “Why would you even think that?”

Now Chris shrugged.

“I don’t know. After the first injury, when I was sitting at home, I watched what they were doing to you. And when I came back, you were so excited for us to finally be a team again and get the straps.” Chris’ voice caught in his throat, and Alex couldn’t help but notice that his absence had hurt Chris a lot more than he’d initially thought. “But when I came back, it was different. I was different. I wasn’t the same.”

“It was just a bit of ring rust, Chris, no big deal.”

“It was more than that, and you know it. I wasn’t the same. Physically or mentally. My head wasn’t in the game, and we suffered because of it.”

“You were too hard on yourself,” Alex said gently. “I wasn’t in the best place either, Chris. Look,” he sighed. “I think it was just a case of wrong place, wrong time. If we had waited a bit longer, maybe things would have turned around. But I didn’t want to wait.”

“Why not?”

“I guess I saw things for what they really were, or at least what I thought they really were, and I knew that our time was almost up.” Alex rubbed his hands together, hard, which were now numb, in an attempt to warm them up. “It was a dick move on my part, man. I’m sorry.” That felt good, he thought. Alex was shocked by how much more relieved he felt. It felt as though all of the weight he had been carrying for over a year had finally been lifted off of his shoulders.
Chris didn’t speak at first; he just watched Alex. Finally, after a long pause, he spoke.

“I just wish you’d told me. When you left like that, without telling me, or anybody else, it hurt. I thought you bailed on me, dude. I’ve been trying to work out what I did or said to make you leave.” He cocked his head. “Did I make you feel like you weren’t wanted? Because I didn’t mean to.”

“It was nothing you did,” Alex responded. “I was a jerk,” he added quietly, averting his gaze again. “I didn’t want to admit that I was jealous.”

“Of what?”

“Of you,” Alex admitted sheepishly. “Dude, do you have any idea how much I admired you, and still do?” Alex rarely expressed his admiration for anyone, because, well, he was Alex Shelley, and emotions weren’t his forte, but Chris was different. Everything was different when it came to Chris. Chris made him think and feel things that Alex had never felt or thought before, and the best part of it was that Chris did it because he wanted to, not because he was prompted to. Alex had definitely been with a lot of women in his young life, but none of them had ever made him feel like Chris had.

“I was a total doucher.” Alex shook his head.

All the time that Alex had spent trying to find someone or something to make him feel alive and complete had been wasted, when the true solution had been right in front of him the whole time. He felt like such a fool. He had wasted so many years searching for the one person that would have gladly given him everything he’d wanted, if only Alex had had the courage to ask.

This must’ve been evident by the look on his face, because Chris reached out and gently cupped Alex’s chin, forcing Alex to look up at him.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it, yeah?” He smiled, and Alex couldn’t help but smile back. “What’s past is past, buddy. All that matters is the future.”

A future. Only hours ago, Alex had resigned himself to the fact that he would just have to get used to Chris not being in his life, and now, Chris was telling him that it didn’t matter. Alex would never understand Chris’ infinite patience and positivity, but luckily, Chris didn’t expect him to.

“Okay. If you say so.” He smiled, and then his face fell.

“Where’s your girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend?” Alex could hear the surprise behind his words. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“I thought you did?”

“No. No girlfriend. Not even rats. I’ve been alone since you left. I mean, I tried to date other people, but it just….didn’t feel right. No one else felt right.” Chris looked over at Alex, and bumped his hip with his own. “I’ve been in love with you for years, man. I can’t believe you didn’t see that.”

Alex blushed and then quickly looked away.

“I guess I didn’t think you’d want me,” he admitted. “I’m not the easiest guy in the world to live with.”

Chris snorted.

“You say that like I haven’t been spending almost every minute of my time with you. We’ve been best friends for almost a decade, Alex. I know what living with you is like. I don’t care.”

Alex grinned.

“Feeling better now?” Chris asked.

“Tons.”

“Good.” Chris wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulder and gently steered him away from the street. “If you don’t have any other plans, wanna drop by my place? I’ve got a queue of zombie movies on Netflix, an ungodly amount of junk food, and no one to share with.”

“I don’t know…”

“I also have Milky Ways. Come on, you know you wanna,” Chris cajoled.

“Meh.”

“Dude, do I have to break out the big gun? All right, fine.” Chris sighed and paused for dramatic effect.

“Two words for you: Mother 2.”

“Deal,” Alex agreed quickly. Chris rolled his eyes and shoved Alex’s shoulder.

“You mean that’s all I had to say to get you to come home with me? Asshole.” He smirked. “You’re such a slut, Shelley.”

“I’m a man who knows what he wants,” Alex answered, pretending to be insulted. “What’s so wrong with that, huh?”

“Not a thing.”

The two of them walked along the sidewalk, once more silently, but this time, it wasn’t uncomfortable. This time, the silence said far more than either of them had that night, and they were both grateful for it. There would be plenty of time to talk later, but for now, the only thing that mattered was a new beginning, for a new year.

All this time we were waiting for each other
All this time I was waiting for you
Got all this love, can't waste it on another
So I'm straight in a straight line running back to you