FicWad

CHAPTER 19 CONTINUED

"Seth!" D screamed getting in between them. "Why are you doing this?!"
Seth glared at her. "WHERE WUZ DA FUCKIN CAMERA!?"
"Ok, Ok!" Devin piped up as he rushed into the middle of them all. "Seth," he said calmly trying to get Seth's focus on him instead of Brian, "you need to calm down. You cant be doing this dude. You have to pull it together and do your job. This isnt for fun anymore. This is your job now. If we dont do a show the band is out of alot of cash, more than we would evem make by doing the show. Regaurdless if the show happens or not, roadies still get paid and tickets still have to be honored. This is a business Seth."
Seth jerked away from Danny and took a few quick breaths trying to calm himself. He jerked at his shirt straightening it.
"Come on man," Devin sighed motioning to a room that was empty, "lets talk dude."
Seth stormed into the room. Devin followed closing the door behind them. Seth began pacing the floor and running his fingers through his hair nervously. Devin sat on one of the locker room benches and watched Seth for a moment. He could clearly see how geeked out he was. He knew he was taking too many of those pills from that quack Dr. Gibbons, not to mention all the street drugs. Drugs were thrown at them daily. Before all this they still liked to party, but now the party never seemed to end. Devins glance fell to the floor.
He sighed, "Youre into D, arent you?"
Seth, now chewing his nails looked up at Devin with a slight shocked expression. "It dat obvious?" He asked. Why did Devin notice something he had only just began to notice himself?
"Well I cant speak for everyone, but to me...yeah, its that obvious. Ive noticed youve gotten closer to her once we got to New York." Devin was silent a moment. "Look dude...what Brian did...Im not saying its right, but it did happen."
"What? You's know bout it too?" He asked sounding angry again.
Devin nodded, "Brian text me right after...he knew he screwed up. He was only thinking of himself...as usual. You know how hung up hes always been on bigger, better, more. Hes jealous of you and D getting most of the press. He thought sleeping with her could bring more his way. I dont think he would have done it if he knew you felt the way you do about her."
Seth only shook his head and stared up at the ceiling trying not to picture Brian with his hands all over D. "She's wuz wasted dawg...she's wuznt even movin..." he said walking the floor with a rhythmatic pace. "He knew she wuz fucked up...he's jus didnt gives a shit."
"Well Seth...its you and D who are always saying youre just friends. Technically thats saying shes available dude."
"But you's knew how I's felt...he knew dat shit too dawg!" Seth snapped.
"I honestly dont think he did," Devin shook his head. "You and D play your parts well. The only reason I ever suspected anything was because a year ago I scanned your song notebook. There were so many songs you never showed any of us. They all sounded like a guy with a secret love, how he was always around her and wanting her...thinking of her. It didnt take rocket science to figure it out...Then there was the matter of the album cover...the picture from your phone. I noticed when you were thumbing through them that 9 out of 10 were of D."
Seth continued pacing and chewing away at his nails.
"What I want to know," Devin began again, "is why you dont just hook up with her?"
Seth shook his head with a shrug, "Shit done gots complicated...Havoc...Brian...me..." He stopped his pacing and sighed deeply. "I's scared dawg."
"Of what?" Devin asked attentively.
"Not bein good enuff," he uttered, "I's aint neva had ta be nobodys significant otha before. Aint neva had no girlfriend before. I only know how ta do me...ya feel me? I dont know how ta be wit her dawg."
"I see what youre saying, but...love just happens. You cant control who or when."
"I aint even know how she feel dawg."
Devin slightly chuckled. "I think she probably feels the same as you Theres a reason why she hasnt dated or had boyfriends or gotten knocked up or married."
"Why?"
Devin smiled, "You," he nodded. "She watches you when she thinks no one is looking."
"But den they's Havoc...they's say we's seen togetha too much. They's wants us to back off off stage...but on stage they's wants us ta really shine it on. They's playin our fans."
"No theyre not," Devin shook his head, "theyre playing you and D. But its like this...if you piss off the hand that feeds they could hold your releases, raise your costs, pay you less, stop the press from reporting at all. Its a tough choice man. Its pretty much your money or your happiness because Havoc isnt going to let you have both."
I's dont know what ta do Dev," Seth softly shook his head. He looked to him with pleading eyes, "jus tells me what I's gots ta do dawg."
Devin shook his head, "I cant. But you, and Brian, and D...you guys gotta work something out. None of us are on our own time anymore. We are employees to a company that pays extremely well. Theres approximately 46,000 people out there waiting to see you and Don that stage. This is all supposed to be for the fans, Havoc aside, the money starts here with those people out there screaming your name. So you guys talk, work something out, one way or the other. You need to get out there before they tear this place apart."
Seth nodded.
Devin sighed and walked over to the door and opened it poking his head out. "Hey Bri," he motioned for him.
Brian came into the room unsure of how to act. "What?" he finally questioned with a shrug.
Devin looked at him sternly, "You gotta fix this shit dude."
Brian huffed, "Theres nothing that needs to be fixed except Seth's stupid pride."
Devin could see the fire in Seth's eyes reignite. "No..." he stuck his hand in front of him. He turned back to Brian. "Brian you need to know how Seth feels about D. He's started to have feelings for her and what you did really hurt him."
"See," Brian sighed, "This is just the kind of shit I knew would happen if we hired a stripper."
"Dont fuckin calls 'er dat," Seth snapped with a glare.
"No!" Brian barked, "I knew it would be a bullshit hassle and she would cause problems for the band!"
"Da only problem is you!" Seth snapped back.
"No," Brian yelped, "the problem is you fucking her in the first place! You promised! You promised the band came first!"
"Dawg...I's stayed away from 'er for 5 fuckin years!"
"Yeah, and look whats happening now! A piece of ass is fucking up the band."
Seth came unglued and rushed at Brian pushing him to the wall with his hand to his throat. "She's aint some piece a ass! You's calls 'er dat one mo again an I's gone..."
"Gonna what?!" Brian fumed.
Seth stared of him thinking what to say. He knew the band was the most important threat he could use to get him to back off. "If ya's touch 'er again...iffin you's even looks at 'er...I'ma fuckin quit dawg. I'sll takes my ass back ta Phoenix. I's aint scared dawg...ya know dat."
This was Brian's biggest fear and Seth knew that. There was no way he could chance losing Seth, especially not now. Seth was the one that made Faithless what it was and they couldnt do it without him.
"Look dude," Brian spoke more calmly, "I'm sorry, ok? I dont want D. I just want all this shit to work out for us.
Seth slowly let go of his throat but not the raging look in his eyes. He took a step back and extended his fist out to give him daps.
"We ok?" Brian asked hopeful.
"For now cuz we's gots ta go swimmin dawg."
Brian sighed a sigh of relief.
"Where D at?" Seth asked Devin.
Brian and Devin slipped out of the door to get her. Moments later D's shadowed figure could be seen coming into the locker room. Seth stood there chewing nervously at the nubs of his fingernails. He just looked at her not having a clue what to say. He forced himself to approach her. He swiped his hand through his hair.
"D..." he uttered. He didnt seem to know how to begin. What could he say to make it all ok? "I's sorry," he shrugged shamefully.
D could only manage a confused look.
Seth sighed in defeat and began once more. "I gots no reason ta be mad at ya D." He glanced to her expression trying to decipher it but was unable. "Dev made me realize wes employees now. We's caint be doin dis shit in da middla no show. It da fans dat make us who we is...an I's willin ta do what gots ta be done ta keep dem checks comin in." He paused a moment hoping she would say something, but she didnt utter one word. "Is wants thangs ta stay da same wit you's an me...but Havoc in control. Iffin dis shit dont work for me D...where I'ma be den? Back bussin tables? I's caint go back ta dat.Havoc gots da powa ta breaks us fast as they's made us. I'sll throw em some bones ta keeps em happy an for me ta not lose alls dis." He paused looking down in silence. D still wasnt saying a word. Why wasnt she saying anything? Seth reached his hands out to her hips, hesitating, but finally resting them on her. His floating eyes traveled up to painstakenly meet with her turquoise gems. He pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arma around her. He drew his breath in smelling for her hair. He was so hurt by what she did but he just couldnt be mad at her. His words came out in a soft whisper. H'ut when they's go ta sleep at night, an they,s cameras is off..." He paused looking at her pink lips longingly. He wanted so desperately to kiss them. "It jus gone have ta be our secret til they's dont care no mo."
A tear rolled out of D's eye as she nodded. She loved him so much it hurt. She didnt want anyone but Seth. The thought of what she had done with Brian repulsed her. She was glad to see that Seth didnt want things to change between them. If this was all she could get from him then she had no choice but to take it. "Im so sorry about Brian," another tear rolled down her cheek, "I was so mad...and..."
"Shhh," Seth said shaking his head, "dont wants ta talk bout it. Dont wants ta thank bout it," he said stroking the tear from her cheek. "Everthangs a'ite," he lovingly embraced her. "Everthangs straight," he sighed inhaling the aroma of apples in her hair.
D held on to him tight. She wished she never had to let him go. Nothing felt right to her but him. She wanted to be with no one but him. If only he could feel the same.
Seth backed away an inch or two to look at her. "D...I's done been wit lots a girls...lots a girls...an none of em eva meants nothin. Theys neva matta'd. I's thought dats how shit jus wuz..." He glanced at her beautiful lips and chocked out his punchline, "You's make me thank differ'nt."
D drew her breath in. He did care. "I dont want anyone but you," she whispered.
He stooped over and lightly kissed her on the shoulder. "No matta what...you'sll always be my numba one girl."
Another tear fell from her eye. "I dont want to share you," she shook her head.
Seth pulled her into his embrace once again. He sure as hell didnt want to share her either. Yet he had a feeling he was going to have to if they were going to keep getting paid. "They's mean nothin," he whispered, "rememba dat D. They's aint neva gone mean nothin ta me. An...an they's aint gone mean nothin ta you's neitha. What we's does wit dem aint what we's do wit us. We'sll use rubbas...an gives em no heart..."
D couldnt believe they were having negotiations on sleeping with other people, laying down ground rules. "I dont want to do this Seth," she shook her head trying not to cry.
"We gots to iffin wes wants they papah. We's caint throw alls dis away. Da guys is all dependin on us too. We's jus gots ta be on da down low for a while."
D only looked down and nodded.
"We gots ta get out there," he sighed not wanting to leave. He forced his feet to move for the door and looked at her one last time before he left. This all felt wrong. The guys were all standing around on the stage in the dark looking worried. Seth casually walked past them as if nothing was wrong.
"Lets go swimmin dawgs." He drew his breath in deeply and took his place on the stage. Nothing was as it should have been. A few hours ago he had been so happy. Everything had been almost perfect. Now his happiness had all been stripped away to nothing and stolen. He felt so bad. He didnt want any of this to happen. Yet, he didnt see any way to stop it. When it came down to it Havoc had the final word. Faithless was trapped under their thumb. They had no choice but to do as they wished.
Seth looked out from the stage in the dark over the sea of human heads. He couldnt help but wonder if they were worth the decision he had just made. A tiny ache in his gut told him, maybe, just maybe, they werent. But he knew that with no training and no education under his belt that he would never have another chance to make millions like this again. He had no choice but to make this work. This all rested on his shoulders. He had to make the right decision for the band and not just for himself. He didnt want to be the reason that all of this failed. He didnt want the guys hating him for spoiling their dreams.
Everyone assembled themselves and Devin made it up to the control booth. He gave Seth the cue to do 'The Devil'. It was by far the biggest crowd pleaser. The crowd loved the way the stage would engulf in flames. All at once the stage spotlights hit Seth and a trail of fire ignited from the edge of the stage and spread. A thunderous roar of applause rang in their ears. D walked to the edge of the stage and looked out. She saw Seth standing alone on the fire lit stage. His arms were outstretched to the crowd trying to calm them down and start the show again. He said a few apologetic words to the crowd for interrupting the show. D was too distracted by her own thoughts to even pay attention to the lie he told them.
She watched in amazement at his stage presence. He looked so at home up on that stage in front of all those thousands of people. She knew he really loved doing this. She tried justifying the decision he had made because of Havoc. She knew that without all of this they would all be back in LA working for pennies again. This was the life. This was Brian's dream that they had all bought into. She knew Seth was right, they couldnt just throw it all away now. They had come so far. They had spent so many years doing this for exactly this reason. She had to stop being so selfish. It wasnt all about her and Seth. It was about Faithless. The music began and D danced her way out onto the stage.
The crowd screamed her name and high pitched whistles followed drowning out Seth's words. Seth pulled D into his embrace, his lips close to hers, looking as if he were pretending to almost kiss her. He wanted more than anything to be able to. He could smell that sweet apple smell lingering on her. Why couldnt he just be with her? The fans seemed to want to see them together, why didnt Havoc? Why hadnt the guys? Why was someone always trying to keep them apart? Why did they want them to pretend to be something no one would let them be? Seth had never pretended one moment on a stage with D. It had always been real for him. The looks, the sensation of her skin, the concentration issues had always been real. The flutter in his chest and stomach wasnt from thousands of people cheering his name. It was from D.
Seth could see how the crowd loved the torture he put himself through, standing there wanting her so much and being forced to entertain the masses with that pinned up frustration. He knew he must have come off as a pretty good actor to the press which believed their lies. He had to do this to keep the fans and to make the money. He knew it was up to him to make sacrifices for the band. He was the focal point of Faithless, its single most important member. They couldnt do this without him. He didnt want to sacrifice D. He didnt want to stay away from her. He didnt want to sleep alone without her in his arms. His heart wasnt strong enough for this agony. It wasnt fair of Havoc to insist that they do this. Whose genius idea was this anyway?
Seth's lips kissed D's shoulder as he tried not to lose his place in the song. He held onto her and stared into her watering eyes while he played out his expected role. He could see her trying to do her part too, but her tears told him how much she hurt. He hated to see her hurt like this. He felt to blame, but it wasnt his fault. It was all Havoc Records. Seth gave her a humble smile and a nod to try to assure her that everything was going to be ok. In truth, he had no clue what this would do to them.
The crowd screamed for them. They reveled in the way they clung to one another looking so sexy. They put on a flawless performance. Surprising considering how much neither of their heads were in the game. Seth just had the uncanny knack of putting on a perfect facade for people. He always appeared to have it all together, even when it was all falling apart. Life had taught him this skill through many pains.

Directly after the show Seth went back to the bus and thumbed through the packages he had gotten that day. He searched out the letter from the Van Buren twins. He pulled his phone out and dialed the number on the letter. Seth discovered very early on in the conversation that their intentions were completely dishonorable. He agreed upon meeting them after tomorrow nights show in Hartford. He knew there was but one reason that they wanted to meet him. He knew there would be no challenge there at all. Who knows, maybe it could be fun, he had never been with twins before. But still, the thoughts of D lingered in his mind like the smell of apples.

Everyone was asleep on the bus that night as it headed to Hartford. Seth couldnt sleep. He had had a ton of Dexedrine that day. Everything was out of whack. Seth just wanted to feel that feeling the pills produced, the feel of being with D. That first kiss, the glitter of sweat on her skin, all the nights watching her in awe, wanting her, the beating of his heart...he felt it all in the Dexedrine. Plus drama didnt seem so dramatic with their aid. He honestly didnt know how he had lived so long without those little pills.
He looked over to D curled up in a ball, head rested on the window and sound asleep. Her with Brian crossed his mind again. He struggled to push the thoughts and the images from his mind. He crossed the aisle and gently sat down next to her. He examined her beauty for a long moment before waking her. She looked so peaceful. Had he thrown it all away? He felt so damn stupid. Money couldnt buy him the joy he felt by simply watching her sleep. Money couldnt put her in his arms at night. Money couldnt fix the nausea in his stomach. It couldnt fill the aching hole in his chest. Nor could it take back this horrible day.
"D," he lightly nudged her.
"Hummm?" She drowsily mumbled. She partially opened one eye to see him next to her with that furrowed brow expression. "Something wrong?" She asked in concern sitting up a bit.
Of course something was wrong. Everything was wrong. Today had been such a twisted day. He never expected Havoc to tell him to back away from D. Seth softly shook his head no. "I's caint sleep," he whispered.
"Mmmm," she stretched, "you want some Xanax?"
"Yeah," he sighed. But it was actually her that he wanted. He wanted to hold and kiss her at will, but he couldnt. He never really was allowed to in the first place. He knew that to be able to do as Havoc wanted he had to try to break some of the bond he held to her. He needed to care less, but he just didnt see how he could. He had to, in a sense, let her go. He didnt have a clue how. Nothing even made him want to. She was the only girl who had ever captivated, mesmurized, and held his attention so long.
"Here," D said scrounging her purse for the bottle of Xanax.
"Thanks," he nodded taking the bottle from her. He opened it and poured three into his hand, tossed them in his mouth, and swallowed them dry. He knew that in 20 minutes they would override the lingering Dexedrine. The Xanax brought on feelings of empathy. They made him a sentimental fool. He knew they would only make him long for her more. Maybe he shouldnt have taken them. Too late now.
D slightly laughed, "You are gonna be so wasted."
Seth looked at the forced amusement on her face. She was trying her best to pretend that everything was fine. It was hard because she truly loved Seth. She always had and just when she had finally found a way to be with him he was stolen away. She wished he was flirting with her the way he always had. She could see how different things already were. She feared where this road was leading and what it would mean for them. Seth glanced at her glancing at him and could see her mind churning. He looked down at his hands shamefully.
"S'a...I's gon meet dem twins tomorra..."
You couldnt hear it but D's heart started cracking. She didnt have a clue what to say to that. Why was he even telling her this? Was this to hurt her for the entire Brian incident If so, it was working. She hurt.
"Well...good luck with that," she spoke trying to conceal the hurt.
Seth shrugged, "Aint neva had no twins before...They's wrote me...s'a...why not? Right?" He sounded so unsure of his own words. Deep down the only girl he wanted to date was right in front of him. Why was he doing this?
"Yeah," she nodded, "why not?"
She turned and looked aimlessly out the window. God it hurt to hear him say that. It even hurt Seth to say it. It further bothered him that she pretended not to care so convincingly. How could it be so easy for her when it was tearing him apart? Was this the extent to everything they had shared? Was this all that he had meant to her She had been so much more to him. He didnt want to do this but he felt like he had no other choice. In his mind he justified it that he was doing it for them, for Faithless. For most of his life sex had been equivalent to a hand shake. It was D who made him see there was so much more to be had from it. He gut tried telling him that this wasnt the right thing to be doing. It told him to stick with D because she truly meant something. He might not have understood what he felt for her but he knew there was something to it. There was definately something there. D wasnt like all the nameless one night stands. She wasnt the result of too much drinking. She wasnt just a good time to be had while on drugs. She wasnt just there at an opportune moment. She meant something. All he wanted was her and it was killing him to let her go. Why was letting go of what they had appearing to be so easy for her?
D wanted to say so many nasty and mean things to Seth. She wanted to shout and curse, but she didnt. She knew the only thing she could do was let him do as he wished. She could see she was just some wind up toy that he could take out and play with when he wanted. She felt used and stupid. Despite it all, she still loved him and wouldnt trade one moment she had spent with him. Nothing could make her stop loving him. It didnt seem fair to be cursed to love someone who could never love her back. She hated herself for loving him.
Where could they go from here? Was everything they had shared over now? Was it all being ripped away? Or was it just on a back burner? Could they really do this and still hold their feelings for one another? Could they remain friends? Or would this all drive a wedge between them? Would they ever get back to the way things had been Would it all be over soon Or would meeting and seeing other people force them into seperate directions? One thing was certain, they would never stop thinking of one another and all that could have been.