FicWad

CHAPTER 27: THE SIDE EFFECTS OF PAIN
November 28, 2008
Chicago, Illinois

It was the holidays now. The day before had been thanksgiving. Havoc was nice enough to give them a few nights off, not to mention supply them with tons of holiday booze. They all ended up taking a bottle and going in separate directions. They ended up in their hotel rooms because of a blizzard that had hit the city. The streets were undrivable. The airports were closed. Bus lines were shut down. Even sections of the subways were effected. Not that any of them minded, they had no intentions of going anywhere anyway.

Martin lay naked in bed with some groupie passed out next to him. Dr. Kitty...Nina perhaps, he couldnt remember. He had gotten so drunk the night before that things like names and faces were blurry. He was relieved he wasnt expected to do anything today. He was so hungover he didnt even want to get out of bed. He was debating on whether or not to tell the chick beside him to take a hike. He decided to just let her sleep. There was always a chance that his hangover would let up and he would require her services again. He flipped through the channels on the TV looking for something to watch. He glanced at a clock to see that it was 1:30 in the afternoon.
KNOCK KNOCK
He lift his head to glance at the door. It was probably Danny wanting to drag him out into a blizzard. He was far too hungover for all that. He just wanted to stay in his room and be lazy. He tumbled out of the bed and pulled on a robe as his head throbbed. He unlocked the door and opened it without even looking out of the peephole to see who it was.
"Whatever it is the answer is no!" He blurted out just before slamming the door shut. It wasnt until he was staring at the inside of the door again that he realized it wasnt even Danny. It was his freaking parents! He quickly reopened the door and poked his head out. "Mom! Dad!" His tone showed how surprised he was to see them standing there. "What are you guys doing in Chicago?" He was going to kill Maggie for giving them his room number. He knew that was the only way they had tracked him down.
"Your father had a concert here last night," His mom, Susan smiled, "then our flight was cancelled because of the blizzard. We saw a marquee at the stadium that said your band had played here soon so we called Maggie and here we are."
"You guys shouldnt have come out in this weather," Martin said with a nervous chuckle as he moved his hair out of his eyes.
"Luckily our hotel is just one block over," his dad smiled.
"Marty, are you going to make us stand in the hallway all afternoon?" His mom impatiently asked.
Martin's mouth opened as he tried to think of the words to say to get them to leave without hurting their feelings. But before any words came out his mom was pushing him aside and letting herself into his room. "Mom wait!" He blurted out, but it was already too late. She had already seen the naked girl in his bed.
"Oh my," she said turning around with a red face, "we didnt know you would be...we can go."
Now he felt bad.
"Um...why dont we just meet you down stairs for a bite to eat in say 30 minutes?" His dad asked.
"Yeah," he nervously nodded, "Ill get dressed and meet you downstairs...my treat...and Ill bring along Maggie so you can finally meet the voice on the other end of the telephone huh?" He nervously ushered them to the elevator. They got in and he returned to his room.
He walked over to the girl on the bed and smacked her on her bare behind, "Wake up!"
"Hummm?" She moaned
"Time to jet sweetheart," he said dragging out his suitcase to find some clothes. He grabbed his phone and called Maggie.
"Hello?" She answered.
"I hope youre hungry," he halfway snapped at her, "Cuz youre going down to the lobby with me to eat with my damn parents."
"Your parents?" She asked faking surprise. "I wasnt aware your parents were in town."
He sighed, "Yeah...real funny. Be in the lobby in 20 minutes or I sware to god Ill make working for me a living hell."
"Soooo touchy," she smirked.

"So Marty," his mom smiled at him from across the table, "how have you been? Its been almost 9 months since we heard from you last. Im starting to feel like I know Maggie better than I do you." Her eyes examined her son. "Youre so skinny honey, are you eating?"
Martin, still feeling the side effect of last nights drinking, fumbled with the plate of food in front of him. "Yeah mom, Im eating," he sighed. "Being onstage burns alot of calories." He knew it was really the cocaine to blame, but he couldnt tell them that. He didnt want them to know how much he snorted. Nor did he want them to suspect anything when he excused himself in a moment to go to the bathroom to do a rail.
"You could have called or maybe written," his dad suggested.
"Im just super busy dad. Its alot of work being a rock star. Its not like it was a year ago...now we are all commercialized. I barely have time for sleep, much less calls back home," he sighed still blundering with his untouched food.
"I just dont see how you cant find the time for a 2 minute phone call," his mom spoke, "You find the time for girls."
"Leave him alone Susan," his father Dom spoke. "Hes not a boy anymore. In a few says he will be 22. Hes grown. Hes living his own life and making his own decisions."
"Thanks dad," he sighed staring at the plate of food, wishing it would just eat itself or disappear.
"Sweety why arent you eating?" Susan asked again. "Its getting cold. Arent you hungry?"
"Martin isnt much of a roll out of bed and eat kind of person," Maggie spoke up, jumping in to the rescue. "You should see him at night, he eats like a horse."
Martin glanced to her with a thankful expression.
"Youre pale too, his mom started up again, "are you coming down with something?"
"No mom," he shook his head The smell of the food on the plates was making his stomach turn.
"Im fine...I just sort of never see the sunlight anymore. So dad...you had a concert here too huh? Thats so strange...us both performing in the same city."
Dom only smiled. He too could see that something wasnt quite right with his son. He knew exactly what went along with the life style Martin was living. He could see him falling prey to its spoils. He worried too, but unlike Susan, didnt wish to smother his grown son.
Martin sighed and moved his hair out of his eyes.
"I really like what theyve done with your hair," Susan smiled.
"Yeah, he frowned knowing she was lying. She hated it.

Brian reclined on his side and ran his fingertips down Madison's spine as she lay sleeping on the bed. She was still passed out smooth from the night before. They had both drank alot and ingested a buffet of Vicodin. They had been completely sideways. Brian didnt even remember coming back to the room. He woke up to clothes scattered everywhere and Madison naked in bed with him. He was under the impression they had had an eventful evening. All the context clues seemed to suggest it anyway.
He found himself spending more time with Madison with each passing day. He was beginning to even forget she was a groupie. He liked the fact that he could talk to her and hang out with her. It wasnt always about the sex. They actually had fun together. In the last month she was the only girl he had been with and that didnt even bother him. For now she was enough. Was she becoming his girlfriend? He didnt even know anymore.

D walked out onto the balcony of her hotel suite. The snow and wind hit the side of her face, blowing her hair and making it tickle her lips. She looked down into the hazy streets. It was hard to see anything for all the snow. She heard a knock on the door. A smile came to her face as she walked back in and closed the balcony door. She dusted the snow off. There was only one person it could be. She opened the door with a warm inviting smile.
And there he stood in nothing but a robe, holding up a full bottle of whiskey. "Drank?" He smiled hinting at things that went far beyond drinking.
"Sure," she smiled letting him in, so happy to see him.
He came in and went to the mini bar to get some glasses and pour the drinks. "How bouts we take some Xanax," a coy smile came to his face, "gets all loose an freaky...I's done dressed for da occasion." His smile broadened as he raised his eyebrows up and down.
D blushed a bit and retrieved some Xanax. "3 for you and 3 for me," she said putting them in her mouth and handing him his 3.
"Ya know," he said popping them in his mouth, "dees thangs kinda be makin me like Supaman in da bed."
"Oh Ive noticed," she smiled, "until you pass out."
"Aint neva passed out on ya before."
"Theres a first time for everything, especially if you dont ease up on the whiskey," she lightly smirked.
Seth sat his drink down and casually strolled over to her. He stood within inches of her, just staring at her. His eyes seemed to be scanning her face, studying it, memorizing it. D reached up and pushed a strand of his black hair from his eyes. "I likes it when we's gets ta spend time togetha." The look on his face seemed to show he genuinely cared. His eyes looked down momentarialy. "I's sorry we's caint be like dis alls da time."
"Me too," she nodded.
Seth smiling, knelt down a bit and in one motion scooped D into his arms like a doll. "Nuff small talk," he said with his insatiable half grin as he whisked her to the bed. He lay her on it and climbed into the bed next to her, shucking his robe. He reached over and ran two scratchy fingertips down her arm getting lost in the turquoise color of her eyes. He began working off her clothes.
D could see his pupils were huge. His eyes almost appeared completely black. He could see the worry coming to her face.
"What?" He softly asked as he leaned in and kissed her.
"You look spun," she sighed as he moved his lips from hers.
"Is straight baby," he said kissing her again.
From her purse her phone began playing Scottish bagpipe music. "Its Schylus," she sighed reaching for it.
"Ugh..." he moaned, "dont answa." He buried his face into the pillow with another grunt.
"I have to," she said pressing talk. "Hey," she answered. Seth lift his head and ran his arm across her. "No...Im in my room at the hotel. Yeah...sure. ok...goodnight...umhuh, you too," and she hung up.
Seth pulled her back down and hovered over her, kissing her deeply. It had seemed like an eternity since he had touched her. He could smell that holy grail of smells lingering in her hair. He loved these strange warm feelings and unexplained thoughts. Being with anyone else was like going to a dry boring business meeting in which you want to just get in and out of quickly. D was never that way. Every moment with her was so precious and Havoc was taking more and more away from him every day.
He could feel the Xanax kicking in. His thoughts were becoming harmonious but jumpled and rampant. It made it hard to concentrate on just one thing. He was becoming scattered as the euphoric tides of emotions swept him. He could feel himself getting closer to her with every heart beat. His fingers interlocked between hers as his hips began slowly moving. This was how everything should have been.
D longed for the day that he would tell her he loved her. But did he love her? Could he love her? Maybe she just wanted it so much that she projected thoughts and feelings he didnt really have. Maybe she should just take a chance and tell him. But if his feelings werent as she expected she would feel so stupid. She knew the only way she would ever know for sure if he truly loved her would be to wait for him to say it first.
Seth did love her. It just wasnt something he had realized yet. The light bulb hadnt come on in his brain. He had by no means lived a normal life. Love was something completely unfeasible to him. He had never felt love before. He had never been loved so that he could even comprehend it. To Seth it was equivalent to a person being born blind then all of the sudden one day can see. They would understand nothing they had ever known. Colors, lights, and movement would be unfathomable. They would have to start all over and re learn everything. Thats how love was for Seth. To him it was something you saw on TV. It was a marketing device at holidays. He didnt have a clue how to understand the emotions that went with it. He didnt get that that craving for that apple scent was love. Nor did he know that his joy in her company was love. He didnt see the nervous jitters in his stomach as love. He couldnt understand that the rage he felt when she was with another man was love. He couldnt identify the nausea it made him feel as love. In his mind anger, sickness, and pain just didnt go with love. In his mind he was seeking for something that was much more black and white. He had no clue that love had so many layers of grey.
Seth kissed her throat. He couldnt get enough of her. He skin was driving him insane. He felt a weightless ach in his chest. He felt nervous. He loved the way it all felt. God he couldnt control his thoughts. He should have been concentrating on football or dead kittens, but he just couldnt. He couldnt even notice the signs his own body was trying to give him.
A pulsating rush shot through D's body. Seth kept moving locked in a world of his own, yet he was right there in that perfect moment. That same pulsating rush soon came to his own body and he wasnt even aware of it until it had happened. His movements became rigid as a moan invoulentarily came from his throat. He snapped back to reality as more waves of pulsation hit him. D felt it too and drew in a gasp.
In one quick motion he was off her and sitting at the side of the bed. "Shit," he hissed, "fuck I's s'a sorry D."
"You didnt?" She asked but she knew that he had.
He nodded clenching at his head. "Da Xanax...they's had me somewhere's else...I's aint know...FUCK!"
D sat up trying to collect her thoughts. "Im sure everything will be fine," she muttered sounding unsure.
Seth sighed still holding his head, "An iffin it aint?"
"I can talk to Dr. Gibbons in the morning. Itll be ok. They have a pill for this sort of thing."
His thoughts began to twist and spiral out of control. "What makes ya s'a sure you's can get it?" It didnt feel right. He knew that pill was basically an abortion for the first 48 hours after conception.
"Im sure i can," she shrugged.
"But iffin you's caint...an you's end up pregnant..."
"I cant be pregnant right now. We have shows to do. Can you imagine how Havoc would react? They would make me abort it."
Seth robotically nodded. He didnt like what she was implying. She would get rid of his baby She would let Havoc get rid of it? "S'a you'sd gets a abortion?" He asked with a lump in his throat the size of Texas.
"Well...yeah," she shrugged, "Id have to.
He instinctively nodded as his heart pound in his chest. He felt it ripping to shreds inside him. He knew she was right, Havoc would never allow it. Yet, a part of him ached because she could disregard it so easily. He had always vowed that if he ever got a girl pregnant he would do the right thing and be responsible. He would never do to a child what had been done to him. He didnt really like the thought of abortion. If he were a woman he would never be able to do it. The what ifs' would drive him insane. They were now.
That night he didnt even sleep. He just lay there, deeply in thought as he watched D sleep. What would happen if he and D had a baby? It wouldnt be so horrible for him. He honestly could think of no one else he would rather have that kind of mistake happen with. Who better to have a baby with besides your best friend, right? He scrunced down in the bed laying face to face with her. He watched her eyes flutter with dreams. He couldnt imagine having a baby with anyone else.
It was all sort of cascading down on him at once. He didnt want D to take some pill that would take away that slight possibility. He was completely willing to take the chance, especially with her. He couldnt think of a single reason why it would be a bad thing. He didnt think about Havoc's reaction, or the fans, because it didnt matter. The baby would be all that did matter. It crossed his mind of what the baby would look like. Would it be a hell raising boy or a precious little girl Which would he even prefer? He was sure that he wanted a girl. He had always had a way with the ladies. Boys had to be raised right to become a man. He wasnt so sure he could provide that adequateness for a son. All he could offer a son would be survival skills. But with a girl, he could build her a perfect fantasy world where the sky would always be the limit.

By 6 am Dr. Gibbons had written D a prescription and she had sent Kasey out for it. To Seth it seemed like she was back in 2 minutes flat. He didnt want this to be happening. He wanted things to stop just long enough for him to figure things out. He needed more time to overcome the shock so he could find the words to say. He felt they should talk more about this. He felt he should have had more of an opinion. He didnt want D to take some pill that would potentially alter their lives. It didnt feel like the right thing to be doing. It seemed as if they were playing god or something. If she got pregnant last night this could essentially be looked at as murder. None of this felt right.
He watched closely as D tore open the pharmacy bag. She pulled out a box the size of something cold tablets would come in. "Awfully big box for one pill, isnt it?"
Seth watched attentively. What if his baby was inside her right now? This would mean a death sentence for it. This seemed like a morally wrong step to be taking.D reached for a bottle of water and cracked its seal. She seemed so blase about the whole thing, like she didnt have a care in the world. It didnt even appear to bother her, but it bothered Seth. It really pained him to be thinking of killing his own kid. He hated that he had put them in the situation to be making a choice like this. He just wanted her to flush that damn pill and for them to take their chances, as nature had intended.
D tossed the pill into her mouth as Seth watched in sheer heartbreak. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. He painstakenly watched as she swallowed the pill. His eyes fell to the floor, right along with his stomach and heart. He hurt in a way he didnt even understand.
"All gone... D said looking to him. She could see the anguish on his face. It was evident he was troubled, but why? This was better than her getting pregnant.
Kasey watched as Seth sighed and rose to his feet. He forced his feet to trudge across the floor to where D stood. He stopped just inches in front of her. His eyes couldnt even look at her face. They instead seemed to focus on her stomach. Hw found it in himself to look her in the eyes. She wasnt looking into his either. He lift her chin to look at him. I's wouldnt a run away," he softly whispered as he gave her a smile of sorts. His eyes nervously bat away from her and he crossed to the door. He stopped and looked over his shoulder at her one last time before leaving. He needed to be alone so he could deal with everything in his head. He had to try to make sense of it, and if he couldnt he would just get totally wasted.

And totally wasted seemed to be easier than trying to make sense of anything going on in his head. He just couldnt allow himself to think about it. Did he not mean enough to D to chance having a kid with him? He cared enough for her to consider her as the only person he would want a child with. He hadnt wanted her to take that pill, but he couldnt stop her. His opinion wouldnt have mattered. He knew having a baby would be illogical and irresponsible, but a part of him really wanted it. He had never given any thought to babies before, except how not to make them. Why did he all of the sudden care?
It broke his heart the way that D just carried on as if nothing had ever happened. She treated it as if it were nothing. It was something to him. That day he took at least 7 Dexedrine each time he took any, which was almost every 2 to 3 hours. He must have drank a gallon of whiskey. He needed a distraction or two. These days even the groupies werent much of a distraction. Other girls only seemed to make him think that much more about D. He knew he couldnt keep doing this. His heart felt like it was being pulled out of his chest. He hurt so much because of her, yet he couldnt keep from thinking about her. He just wanted to be numb. He longed to simply not care anymore. So many wedges had come between them. Would they even stand a chance once all the obstacles were gone? Had far too much already gone wrong?he wished he knew. He wished he could take it all with less ache. He wished he understood why he even hurt. He needed answers but no one was giving any.
He ended up back at the hotel with Heather and Tina. Heather had found them some coke that night. Seth must have snorted 2 grams on his own. Between him, Heather, and Tina it didnt take long to run out. His ears rang from the combination of Dexedrine and coke. It almost sounded like a distant freight train coming in his head. His heart pounded so hard in his chest that it felt bruised. His breathing was quick and short. His eyes felt like they would soon pop from their sockets. His mouth was pasty and dry. His skin glistened with sweat and felt clammy. All his mind could do was think about D.
When he was with those girls she was all he thought of. It was her body he was touching. It was her moaning out from the bed, not these two. As he did line after line of coke it was D that he was trying to numb away. She was all he could think of and it was driving him insane. He just didnt know what to do with those damn thoughts and feelings.
"We need more," said Heather extending her hand out to Seth for more money to get more coke.
Seth made no reply. He just shoved 2 hundred dollar bills into her hand. He had no problem with doing more. More was good. More meant that he could leap even further from reality. No matter how hard he tried to escape thoughts of D, his mind always found a way back to her. She was a part of him. A part of him he couldnt erase.
Seth's eyes scanned the groupie that remained in his room, Tina. To him she was just some girl who wasnt D. He watched her reach for her purse and fumble inside of it. She pulled out an orange balloon. She began pouring white powder from it onto the back of a phone book. Seth sat up attentively seeing it. He wanted some.
"You want some?" She asked noticing the fiendish look on his face.
"Yeah," he quickly nodded.
She pulled a dollar to her nose and began inhaling. She then passed it to Seth. He made out a large line and inhaled it all down. Within moments he could feel warmth coming to his entire body. He felt his eyes loosening, almost as if they wanted to droop. Whatever this white powder was, it wasnt coke. What had this groupie slut given him?
"Hey," he forced the words to trickle out, "what Is take?"
"H," she said with a slur and slow movements.
His eyes glanced to the phone book in his hands. He thought it was coke. He wouldnt have done it if he knew it was heroin. The warmth spreading across his body seemed to hit him in waves. He felt all his emotions slipping away. He felt everything going numb. His dissappointment at doing Heroin was becoming a fleeting memory. His heavy head began to lower and his eyes invoulentarily closed. He stayed lost in a nod for three minutes before he could force his eyes to reopen. Tina was taking the phone book from his hand and making herself another line.
"You want another one?" She asked him.
He slowly raised his hand to his face, rubbing his nose and sniffling. "Yeah," he slowly nodded as he fought to keep his eyes open. He liked the was this drug was disconnecting him from the world. It felt really nice to not feel anything, to have a break from all emotions. There were no thoughts of D worrying him. Nothing at all mattered. It was a peacefulness that he didnt even know was possible. This was the solution to shutting off his brain that he had searched for for most of his life.
After that night he found himself on a semi regular hunt for this feeling of nothingness. It wasnt hard when one of the bands groupies was on it. Nor would it be hard when Marla got out of rehab. It wasnt long at all before he was using it on a regular basis. He would do it any time he needed to come down or just didnt want to think about D. No one around him even seemed to notice he was doing it, not even D. Perhaps this was in part because she too was too incoherent.

D's bodyguard, Jim Jay, had accepted Havoc's offer to protect D. He never thought it would turn into some babysitting job. D was a mess. She was taking so many Xanax most nights that she couldnt even make it back to the bus on her own. If it wasnt for Jim Jay looking after her she would have probably been the victim of some brutal sexual assault. She passed out several times a day. She would forget things. She lost time. If she drank on top of them it rendered her functionless. She didnt know how lucky she was to have Jim Jay. He was truly her keeper and protector.
D sat trying to wipe off her makeup in a mirror. She could barely even focus on her face. Her movements began to slow as she began falling asleep right there. Her head slowly fell forward as her hand dropped to her side. Jim Jay sighed and walked over to her. He put an arm around her back and one under her knees. He picked her up and proceeded to carry her to the limo that would take her back to the hotel. Why did such a beautiful lady keep doing this to herself?
Kasey followed with D's things. "Im sorry Jim Jay," she sighed, "Ive tried hiding her pills and making her think she took them or lost them, but she always goes out and gets more."
"Its that damn doctor. Hes killing these kids with his damn prescription pad."
"I know," she nodded.
"Last week I had to drag her off the roadie bus. She was half naked and out of her mind...she could have been gang banged."
Kasey shook her head. "Its like she doesnt even think about all the bad things that could happen to her."
"She doesnt have to cuz she knows she has me to do it for her."
"I hate to think of what all could happen to her if it wasnt for you."
Jim Jay huffed, "All the bad stuff you see on the 10:00 o'clock news, thats what."