FicWad

Dawn came as a sliver of apricot on the perfect ocean horizon. Approaching the houseboat, dashes of sunlight reflecting on the water were slashed by navy stripes of distant waves. Normally dawn meant quitting time, but this morning Raine halted her exercise to look. She had seen a thousand sunrises, but something told her to pay attention to this one, as if it were Zanarkand's last daybreak.

"What are you doing?"

"The sun is pretty this morning," Raine said, drifting out of her battle stance. She glanced over her shoulder at Auron. The muscles and veins in his arms were rigid and his katana was raised to strike, but now he lowered it a drop, raising a wise eye over her head to the sea.

Raine transferred her lance to one hand, sagely propping the handle on the deck with a soft thud. Auron approached her side and grinned down at her. A morning wind ruffled his hair, which was whiter these days and was in need of a trim, and as he faced the sun, his new tail switched across his shoulder. It had recently been laced in a wonky braid and tied off with a pink clip.

Every day before dawn, Auron instructed her on the finer points of combat, something he knew more about than Summoning and sending dances. Apparently, Auron had been impressed with her ability to wield a patio umbrella on that day of the Sinspawn attack and found her a used spear for practically free at the auction house in G-west. If they did find a way back to Spira, Raine agreed she would give Summoning another try. Auron had also been impressed with her aptitude to nearly send him, without the status benefits of a staff, and Raine gathered that was supposed to be a big deal. But if it didn't work out, she would at least have back-up skills as a Guardian.

It used to be dawn was the only time they could find to train for their next pilgrimage, right before Raine went to work, but now they did it mostly out of habit. After twelve years of searching for a way back to Spira, pilgrimage ambitions had gotten stale. Talk of Spira was now perfunctory, conversational, their Spiran agendas now mechanical and empty, like an extravagant vacation they would never be able to afford.

As they settled their gazes back on the sunrise, Raine grabbed her spear with both hands and spun counter clockwise, swinging the shaft down at the back of Auron's calves, flipping his feet out from under him. With a grunt, he landed hard on his back and Raine shoved the head of her lance into his face, halting just inches of his nose. The impact of his fall rocked the deck and water smacked against the sides of the boat.

Auron didn't flinch but arched an eyebrow at her, and when he found his breath said, "You play dirty."

Raine smiled. "Oh, you have no idea."

"I thought I did," he said, waving the spear out of his face and sitting up. He reached up to her and she grabbed his hand, hauling him to his feet. "I was winning, you know."

"You were winning," she said. "Lucky for me, you're a sucker for sunrises."

"I know a Ronso who might be interested in learning that move," Auron said. More obligatory Spira chat. Who were they fooling? Raine was never going to see a real Ronso. "Although I doubt Kimahri would have an easier time distracting me with a pretty daybreak."

While Auron twisted at the waist to stretch out, Raine heard his spine snap in several places as he corrected his back and she inwardly grimaced in guilt. For a man nearing sixty, he looked great, but even Legendary Guardians wear out eventually and Raine found herself pulling her punches a little more often than usual. She would never tell him that, though. Maybe it was an unnecessary precaution, but it was one she extended into the bedroom, volunteering to be on top on account of the trouble his back gave. Not that she minded. And once they got into a rhythm, neither did Auron.

With the assumption Sin would someday venture close enough to the Zanarkand dream so they could hitch a ride back to Spira, Raine made friends with some of the other marina residents, most notably the ones with sea-ready vessels, since their rickety houseboat could barely survive monsoon season. Masquerading the search for Sin as a social event, Raine entertained and Auron easily played the part as the reclusive whale watcher, standing guard with binoculars. Without Tidus' influence, the chances of meeting Sin at sea were astronomical, but they had to try, even if it meant risking their socialite friends. Dreams were disposable in the grand scheme of it all, Auron tried to make Raine see.

"I was a dream once," she reminded him on several occasions.

"More like a recurring nightmare," he would joke and managed to wink at her, not easy with only one eye. For four years they hunted Sin this way, but after Auron and Raine got the surprise of their life, they came to a mutual agreement their time would be better spent finding a way off the dream without Sin.

There was no way of knowing for sure what was happening outside of the dream and it was quite possible Tidus had already been defeated as Sin by another Summoner party. Raine knew Auron didn't like to talk about this. If it was true, the fact there was still a Zanarkand dream for them to live in meant the cycle went on and someone else's Guardian was now the catalyst for Sin's rebirth. Auron had been prepared to sacrifice himself to make sure that never happened again. During their midnight pillow talks, Raine would try to pin Auron down on details about which one of them would become Sin if it came to that, but he would promptly shut down and evade her. "I'm still thinking on that," he would say and roll towards her with his most persuasive kiss to end the conversation.

Bracing her spear on her shoulder, Raine headed inside the houseboat. "Shower?"

After consideration, Auron said, "The girls will be up soon."

"Hmm." Raine nodded. "I don't think Willow bought that water conservation excuse we gave her last time."

"She did get all your brains," Auron mocked blame and held the screen door open for her.

After locking their weapons in the glass case by the stairs, Auron went to prepare the morning meal and Raine hurried to the bedroom to undress and start the shower.

All her paid time-off was used up during her first wedding and Raine had nothing left when she returned to Zanarkand, but wrestled with her decision to go back to work at all. She was unsure she could keep up the charade of Zanarkand life, knowing everything around her was just a massive simulation. Her first few broadcasts were agonizing, fearing she would stray from the teleprompter with declarations of other worlds, dreams and Summoners. But that was the fastest way to unemployment and, like the real world of Spira, Dream Zanarkand still had an economy that ran on money. It got better over time, her urge to rip the wool off her viewers' faces, although when her father or brother came up in interviews or panel discussions, Raine found herself smiling like a lunatic to disguise her impulse to stand up and cry, "He's Sin, all right? They both were! Their deaths meant something. They were not born for Zanarkand's own amusement! They bought Spira time!" And they did, Raine eventually realized. Whatever reason, suicide or sacrifice, they became Sin so someone else didn't have to and gave people of Spira more time to figure out how to defeat Sin for good.

Raine's shower was quick and efficient to leave some hot water for Auron and to take over getting the girls ready for school while he showered for the day. After, Raine would have hustle to get ready for work. Today was a big day. Tournaments. She liked to get there early to watch warm-ups. Sometimes pre-games showed her more about the players than in the actual game. She expected to be late tonight and if she couldn't tuck the girls in at night, she liked to spend time with them at breakfast.

She dried off before stepping out of the shower to avoid making puddles she didn't have time to mop up, running the towel over her arms and legs. Not long after starting their early morning exercise regimen, Raine had noticed her arms taking on more definition and she could feel her core getting stronger. As an added bonus, it snapped her body back into shape after both pregnancies. Auron developed a less rigorous routine during her early months, but a few weeks before her third trimester, he would wheedle her back into bed and show her the only exercise she was allowed for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Discovering she was pregnant had been relatively traumatic for Raine. She had disposed of her birth control prior to her first wedding and didn't bother getting more after her second since Auron believed himself to be infertile. Plagued by dark fantasies of Auron leaving her, Raine took nine days to tell him. Once a cheater, always a cheater, someone had told Raine once, and there had been that one night Raine caught Auron spying on her and Colton from work when she had to stay late at the station. When she had confronted Auron about the snooping, he just muttered something about "old habits," but Raine wasn't sure if he was talking about his Guardian days or how Raine had offered herself to Auron when she was already committed to Jory.

"I'm pregnant," Raine had blurted when Auron asked her if she wanted to split a beer.

One hand on the refrigerator handle, Auron's head rotated to look at her over his shoulder. By then she was used to him without his sunglasses, but she wasn't used to seeing his only eye dance quite like that. He had also been wearing his collar informally open, revealing short stubble and lips that could be kissed whenever the mood struck. Except now those lips were simpering and Raine's face turned to stone as she realized something.

"You knew," she said stiffly.

There was a warble of confusion in his eyebrows. "That you were pregnant?"

"That I could get pregnant."

"Tidus mentioned—" he started but stopped. Whatever mirth was left on his face drained when he realized he was in two worlds of trouble.

"You don't think that was something I should know? You know I'm being considered for my own show, you didn't once think to tell me it might be a good idea to pick up some birth control, you know, just in case?"

"I thought you wanted…." He drifted off and looked away, jaw flexing, surely realizing nothing he said would come close to an excuse.

"My own show, Auron! It's been in the works for a year. I've been grooming Colton to take my place as sports anchor."

Auron shot her a murderous look at the mention of her co-worker, awarding credibility to Raine's suspicions of his jealousy. "I'm aware of your time with Colton."

"I thought we agreed you would stop keeping things from me."

"I meant to tell you. I figured if it was going to happen, it would happen right away. When it didn't, I was glad I didn't tell you."

To Raine, it wasn't about the show. Okay, it was a little about the show; she had worked very hard to get it. Usually she didn't mind he preferred to hold his cards close, but when they had the potential to derail her life with an untimely discard, Raine wondered why she bothered to plan anything.

Although Raine wanted to argue with him, she knew Auron had been right not to tell her. It had been four years since their return to Zanarkand, four happy years that might instead have been filled with angst over the pressure of getting pregnant. It would have wrecked her. She had finally come to grips with being childless, filling her life with other things to occupy her time and realizing she'd rather be childless than without Auron. Auron was the only thing in Zanarkand she could be sure was real. She wouldn't give him up for all the dream children in the world.

Collecting himself, Auron closed his eye. "Are you keeping it?"

Raine knew it had been hard for him to ask this. As a former monk with very traditional opinions of a woman's right to choose, Auron was the minority in a progressive city like Zanarkand. But there was no question. The chances of becoming pregnant with Auron's child were one in a million.

Actually two in a million, they had learned three years later.

Slipping on the robe from the back of the bathroom door, Raine was going to have to kick it in high gear if she was going to have any time with the girls this morning. Shaking the towel through her wet hair, she turned on the water and opened the medicine cabinet for her toothbrush. After Raine squeezed toothpaste onto the bristles, the hiss of the water on the ceramic sink stopped suddenly and she gave the sink a very irritated "what now?" look. They just had the plumbing replaced.

But the water was still running. No, not running. Not really. The stream was still there, under the faucet, suspended in time. Curiously, she swiped her toothbrush through the water, cutting the stream, leaving a gravity-defying gap in the middle.

Raine gasped, threw her toothbrush in the sink with a flimsy clatter, and darted into the bedroom. She was stopped by the familiar Fayth in the purple hood, who was sitting hunched on the arm chair by the bed, his knees drawn up to his face, his child-sized brown boots braced on the cushion, and he was surrounded in a cloud of Pyreflies.

"Remember me?" he asked, amiably enough, but she couldn't help to regard his presence as a direct violation of her space. When Fayth appeared, good things didn't follow.

Driven by a sudden, unwanted vision of her family in the kitchen, frozen in mid-laugh or mid-bite, Raine bolted for her bedroom door. In a blink, the Fayth boy was standing in front of her and she had to literally skid to a stop on the throw rug to avoid smacking into him. Both standing, she realized he was not quite as tall as her chest.

For a long time after returning to Zanarkand, Raine had often ruminated about the Fayth's instructions to her on the train the day of her second wedding. Don't think he said to her, right before hurling the world back into motion, and it seemed to imply she thought too much, perhaps impeding her own ability to come up with obvious answers. Eventually, she asked Auron about it and he gave her a thoughtful frown as he considered what it meant, but startled her when he erupted into a deep chortle.

"The Fayth said something similar to Tidus before we left Zanarkand," Auron explained to her. "He told me about it later in Spira."

"What did the fayth say to Tidus?"

"Don't cry." Auron had waited in suspended humor until Raine caught up to the hilarity of it. They had a good laugh over it.

Now, she only dreaded what the child-Fayth had to say. Part of her already knew it and had feared it for years. Knowing she wouldn't be able to leave her daughters behind, she certainly wasn't going to bring them to Spira and make them join a pilgrimage. Although Auron once told her he knew Guardians as young as 10 years old, Raine could tell he wasn't keen on bringing their daughters to Spira, either. And so began the habit of talking around Spira, as if it were the dream, the vacation they would never dare take, the reality they were happy to ignore if it would keep their daughter's safe. Auron had now become Tidus, content with the dream being not so much a prison anymore, but a refugee camp, a witness protection program, or unused attic space for harboring fugitives. So much for thinking of dreams as disposable.

"It won't be long," the Fayth said, vaguely cryptic as his voice echoed, even though the bedroom was actually quite soundproof. Raine and Auron had tested it many times.

"Is Sin coming?" Raine asked. She looked with longing to the bedroom door for Auron to come barging in. He was the only real thing in Zanarkand; surely he wasn't susceptible to this time-freeze like everyone else, although he didn't even mention the discrepancy the last time the Fayth visited her, which told Raine he had been a part of it like everyone else.

"Not exactly," he said and took in a huge, hesitant breath, and just held it for a moment. Willow would often do the same thing, just before telling a truth she didn't want to admit. "Several months ago, a Summoner party defeated Yunalesca."

"How will they get the Final Aeon without Yunalesca?"

"They are attempting to beat Sin without it." The boy looked away in the general direction of the bed, but Raine always had the peculiar feeling the Fayth was able to exist in many worlds at once and was looking at something in another plane in order to give her an accurate play-by-play of Spira's events. "They've already breached Sin's outer armor and have attacked Yu Yevon inside."

"That's wonderful news," Raine said and smiled uncertainly. She sensed a "But."

"It is. Soon, we will be able to rest."

Feeling physically ill at what that entailed, Raine grappled for the bed post. She glanced away unhappily, thinking of a time when the Fayth expected Raine to end the dream. The boy was certainly aware of events in Zanarkand. He had to know she and Auron had spent a large portion of their time in Zanarkand making love, having babies and generally taking advantage of happiness whenever it presented itself, and not enough time, in comparison, exploring a way out of the dream. Constantly reminding herself of the dream's existence was exhausting and sometimes it was simply a relief to pull the wool caps over their own eyes and forget. "I understand. I'm sorry we couldn't end it for you sooner."

"I also understand. Life is short enough." He nodded knowingly. "At least you lived it fully."

The first part sounded like forgiveness; the second part cautionary. Raine tried not to look defeated. "Thank you for taking the time to see me." Thank you for warning me.

A moment later, the Fayth was gone and the water in the faucet blasted against the sink, making her jump. Quickly, she returned to the bath to shut off the water and stared with bleak strain into the gurgling drain for a moment, trying to decide if she'd been dreaming. No, Brainy Rainy. You're the dream.

Auron. He had to be notified of this. She headed for the bedroom door just as he strode in.

"Did you see that?" she asked.

"See what? You in a robe?" The corners of his eyes crinkled as he grinned, grabbing at the terrycloth ropes. "I want a rematch."

"Auron, wait—"

"Hesitation is our worst enemy when the girls are eating cereal," he murmured against her lips and opened her robe. His hands slid around to her ass and his bold tongue stabbed into her mouth. He was using his bedroom voice, a husky sound he made when he was in the mood. It took her awhile to catch on to it, but when she did, realized he'd used it on her before: that evening in Spira, instructing her on sword sharpening. And again at the houseboat after she had propositioned him ("Everything you give me is more than I need") and even as far back as that night having dinner with her aunt and uncle, when Auron lead her uncle to believe he had been talking about the Duggles ("They play dirty, but I think that's their appeal"). Since she wasn't yet 18, Raine was sure the tone had been mostly unconscious for him then. Well, pretty sure.

Growled through his teeth like a curse, Auron had told her he loved her for the first time during some intense lovemaking not long after returning to Zanarkand. Once, she thought Auron couldn't love her as much as she loved him, but that wasn't true. Her mistake was forcing Auron think of love in her selfish way. Auron loved cautiously and once Raine realized that, she never hassled him for validation again, not like that evening by Macalania Lake. Suicide or sacrifice, she had demanded. How selfish of her to make him decide. When he didn't understand the subtle difference, she misunderstood this to mean he didn't understand love or was incapable of it. Tidus had made Auron decide, too: Zanarkand or Spira. It pained her to know Auron chose Spira over Zanarkand, the pilgrimage over her. But it occurred to Raine he had done it knowing he could only choose one and he chose to avenge Tidus for her. Was that suicide or sacrifice? For Auron, it was probably both, but either way, it was selfless and wasn't that what love was supposed to be? Auron understood this better than Raine. He even understood it better than Tidus.

Raine kissed Auron back, realizing it might be their last, but when he started to lead her to the bed, she had to stop him. "Tonight then?"

"Um, yes. Tonight."

He tilted his head at her. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," she said, forcing a smile. It was a last minute decision not to tell him. She wasn't sure what he would do if he knew the Fayth had been there and she didn't want him to scare the kids.

"You're trembling," he observed.

Cinching her robe tight, Raine said, "That's what kissing you does to me."

Auron snorted. "Maybe once. Before the girls."

A wave of guilty sadness came over her. After numerous interruptions, it was easy to allow things to get routine when they had to forego creativity for efficiency. "I will always love kissing you."

"Ok," Auron said with a bemused smile.

"Will you have breakfast with us?"

He shook his head dismissively. "I'm not hungry."

"Please," Raine said. "Have breakfast with your daughters."

This time, Auron frowned. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Everything's fine. Will you?"

"I'll be out in a minute. I'm going to jump in the shower."

Raine hesitated. "Okay. Just hurry." His look was downright suspicious, but Raine didn't want to waste any more time worrying about how much time they had. "The girls have to get to school."

"I'll be hasty."

In the galley kitchen, Willow and Basil were sitting at the peninsula island with bowls of cold cereal and juice. Willow had an open school text next to her as she finished up her arithmetic homework. She had been named for the Willow Tree City Park in C-South and so far she had never asked why. Raine once queried Auron on when they should tell Willow she had been conceived on a city lot, to which Auron sternly replied, "Never." That evening hadn't been their first time acting out Auron's fantasy on the swings, while Raine sported her old cheerleading uniform, but it had been the first time night patrol caught them and chased them away.

Basil, who was almost named Tidus until Auron lost the gender-guess, was wearing a pair of old sunglasses her father had bequeathed to her, the reflective lenses very large and dark against her small pale face. Naturally, Auron had been hoping for a boy on their second round, which was evident to Raine by his friendly rivalry and his fake ideals about "evening out the household," but Raine knew he was leery about a house full of girls: Raine and girls like Raine. But when they got Basil instead, Auron never looked back. Raine would tell him he was being punished for being mean to her when she was a kid and Auron would only playfully complain about it. Basil clearly took after him, so much more composed and aloof than her older sister, Willow, who took after Raine, deviously crafty and cared far too much what others thought of her. The girls got their good qualities and an equal amount of bad, too.

At the sight of her children, Raine was hit in the stomach with a sack of rocks as she understood the girls would always be this age and a swoop of inner hysteria nearly gave her away. She tried to appear ordinary as she circled around the counter and kissed both girls on the tops of their heads. Basil, the younger one, was too reclusive to acknowledge the affection and Willow was too preoccupied with her studies.

Willow looked up, chewing on the end of her pencil, taking the challenges of second grade very seriously. "Can you help me? I can't get this last problem."

Raine reached over and closed the book. "Finish it later. I forgot to tell you, no school today."

Willow gasped, slapping her hand over her mouth. Basil was sipping juice from a glass with both hands and smiled simply at Raine with a pulpy, orange mustache.

"Do we get to spend the day with Daddy?" Willow asked.

"And me, too."

"Don't you have watch Blitzball?" Willow asked.

"I'm not going in today."

Willow gasped again at Basil and Basil merely mimed a gasp without actually making a sound.

"Can we go swimming?" Willow squealed.

Looking up suddenly, Basil's eyebrows were up, quietly ecstatic with her sister's idea as she hung in suspense of Raine's answer.

Raine suppressed a smile. She had tried to teach Auron to swim, but he was much too interested in tugging on the strings of her bikini. "We should find something the four of us can do. You know your dad doesn't like the water."

"He can dip his feet in and play lifeguardian!" Willow cried, hardly able to contain herself in her chair.

Basil nodded enthusiastically.

Both girls were different, but the one thing they could agree on was swimming and Blitzball. They weren't anyone if they weren't their Uncle Tidus' nieces and Raine could tell it annoyed Auron. Between Tidus and Raine, he'd already spent the majority of his Zanarkand life in a Blitzball arena, and it was clear there would be more Blitzball in his future. At least, there would have been.

"We'll see. Finish your cereal."

They ate quickly, Willow giggling, Basil smiling and Raine receded to the back of the kitchen to watch them, soaking in every detail of the morning meal, the pajamas they were wearing, the way their blonde hair was shaped like their pillows, knowing it was the last time they would be together like this.

Thankfully, Aunt Naya was able to meet both girls before passing away two years ago, although she could never keep them straight, especially near the end. "No, Auntie Naya, I'm Willow. That's Basil!" their oldest would proclaim with an exasperated sigh. Aunt Naya would make up for it by bringing out a plate of cookies, which made both girls light up and look to Auron for permission, who would raise one finger, both eyebrows and emphatically mouth, "One."

Auron scowled at the word disciplinarian when Raine used it. "Structured," he offered instead. One time, he asked, "You don't remember that night you and Tidus hid in the closet?"

Of course she remembered. She had nearly pissed her underpants when Auron yelled and it was like a completely different man had opened the closet door that night. But Raine was in her seventh month of her first pregnancy when he brought it up and she wasn't about to throw Auron off his parenting game at this point.

"No," Raine had said and relief poured out of Auron's eye. It was at that moment Raine realized why Auron used to wear those sunglasses all the time, with his naked eye always betraying him. She knew she had been right to lie. Was that all marriage was? Walking through a field of carefully placed lies that would blow up if stepped on? "Why? What happened?"

He had cleared his throat and said, "You got me good."

Realizing the girls were almost done eating, Raine wondered what was taking Auron so long. She should have insisted he skip his shower. How much time did they have left? Minutes? An hour? A couple days? And how would it happen when the Fayth stopped dreaming? When her dreams ended, they just winked out, and only the important ones were remembered. And what about Auron? He wasn't a dream at all. Would he wander around Spira forever as an unsent, or would he find a Summoner to send him? Raine never stopped having nightmares of coming home from work to a puddle of Pyreflies on the houseboat floor, the Farplane somehow taking back what belonged to it. After the girls were born, the nightmares ramped up again, only this time she would come home to her daughters bawling over the same puddle.

"Daddy!" Willow cried when she saw Auron round the corner, his hair wet and combed back.

Auron slowed to a stroll and stopped by Basil, who smiled coyly under her father's scrutiny as he lifted her chin with a finger to examine her in his sunglasses.

"Hmph," he said around a smirk.

It meant: You are so adorable.

Raine had taken the liberty of buying her husband a few changes of pants (although she never could change his mind about underwear) and today he was wearing a light brown pair of carpenter trousers. But Auron wouldn't be Auron without his leather cuirass, so he was always battle-ready, in case of surprise Sinspawn. The sleeve of his cloak was also now functional with the cuffs clasped together, and Raine suspected that was so he was always hug-ready, in case of surprise Raine-spawn.

Auron had been very honest with the girls when they asked questions about his armor and sword. If he couldn't be himself around his own children, when could he? He told them stories about being a warrior monk, but Auron was rather selective when talking about his pilgrimages, as they had both agreed they wouldn't ever talk about Sin. They refused to let their daughters live with that kind of fear. More lies for the sake of happiness. But Auron would still tell them stories about their uncle and their grandfather, including one about Jecht and something called a shoopuff, which her father had mistaken for a fiend. The shoopuff ended up the star of the story because of the hilarity of its name.

The girls regarded their father's missing eye with healthy curiosity. Basil had gone through a phase of taping her eye down, adding another piece every time the previous one lost its adhesive, until her preschool teacher began to ask questions, at which time the entire contraption had to come off, but not without a couple eyelashes attached to it. Either the girls never seemed to remember how Auron lost his eye or they didn't quite think he was being truthful, because they asked about it several times. The first couple times, Auron looked at them very soberly and said, "Your mother got angry with me and stabbed me with a fork." Both girls would gasp in horror and treat Raine with fearful reverence for the rest of the day. The third time Auron told them that story, Raine waited until they were in private before slapping the chest of his armor.

"Don't tell them that," she had said.

Auron darkened and said, "Would you rather I told them the truth?"

"Of course not," Raine said, genuinely surprised. "I only meant you make me sound like the bad guy."

The very next time the girls asked, Auron sat down and placed one on each knee and said, "The first time I saw your mother, I thought she was so beautiful, I had to remove my own eye so I could function." Then he smirked at Raine and Raine rolled her eyes, knowing one day the girls would put two and two together and realize the first time their father met their mother, their mother had only been 5. Both girls had similar reactions; they were less horrified, but more repulsed as Willow had screamed, "Ew!" and Basil had scrunched her nose like someone had left out a dirty diaper.

"Daddy, there's no school today!" Willow announced.

To Raine, Auron affected surprised with a slight lift of his brows. "There isn't?"

"We're going swimming!"

Auron's eyebrows escalated higher. "We are?"

"I thought it would be nice," Raine said.

"What about work?" Auron asked, lowering his voice as he approached her at the counter. He reached over her head to the cupboard behind her for two glasses. "Big game today."

"They'll manage without me."

He glanced down at her without expression and carried the glasses to the peninsula where the juice was. Raine knew she was a bad liar and Auron know it too. She had to tell him. Whatever was going to happen, where ever they would end up, she couldn't have her bad lying be his last impression of her.

Bringing over two glasses of juice, Auron handed her one and placed the back of his fingers on her cheek. "Feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, keeping the squeak out of her tone. "Listen—"

But Auron had his glass raised to her and Raine had to oblige.

Clink…toast…


…sip.

Auron touched the glass to his lips, but when he looked down at his hand, the glass was gone. Raine was gone, the girls were gone. In front of him a thundercloud was marbled grey and black and somewhere in his peripheral, a flicker of lightning. Suspended momentarily, Auron's belly made an awful dive, his arms and legs flailing to find footing.

He was falling.

Like a red bullet in a dismal landscape, Auron dropped out of the sky and into the sea with a grand splash of steely water. Experiencing a different kind of flail, Auron thrashed underwater, struggling to surface, greedily gulping oxygen when the air kissed his face. He bobbed around the stagnant water like an abandoned red fishing lure and with an ungainly twist, managed to rotate around to the dilapidated stone building, veiled in mist, half submerged in the sea, the different wings of the structure like small island ruins.

Baaj Temple.

So the rumors were true. The dream had been here all along, where no self-respecting Yevonite would dare use machina propelled transportation to get there.

Plotting a course to the nearest land mass, Auron slanted back into the water and kicked, swimming the only way Raine could teach him; ironically, the dead man's float. Auron climbed up the wreckage, dragging himself sideways on his elbow, scaling up the incline of a stone roof towards the crumbling remains of a round turret. He flopped on his back, breathing hard. What now? He certainly couldn't float his way out of here who and knew when the next Al Behd ship would come through. He mentally ticked off his options, struggling to ignore the oncoming hollow ache where his heart usually was, the void sapping him from the inside, telling him the dream was over.

Fathering children had never been Auron's objective, not when he was alive, not even when he had been promised to the high priest's daughter. When Raine announced her pregnancy, her initial dissonance had been aimed at him, not his developing progeny, and she had been shocked he would even question her keeping it. For some reason, she regarded his unborn child as a rare treasure. He had started out merely compliant with the pregnancy, but as her belly swelled, so did his heart for whatever was growing inside. He had not been completely sure what they would get. After all, little was known about the breeding of dreams and unsents.

In fatherhood, Auron discovered it was not that much different than being a Guardian, although Raine had much to teach him about letting go, especially when Willow started school. Good Guardians didn't let go. It was completely natural for him to want to follow her, watch her through the fence and walk her home when the day was over, but Raine explained that was unacceptable.

"She needs to learn independence," his wife had said.

"It's not enough."

"It is. It's enough for her to know you'll be waiting at home."

In time, Auron learned what an amazing mother she was, although he was not in favor of Raine's parenting style at first. He had been raised in a strict monastery, where his hands had been inspected for every meal and he couldn't leave his room in the morning until he had made his bed well enough to impress the high priest. But he held his tongue, even as he watched his daughters play in the dirt at the park, their clothes and faces filthy, while Raine would just laugh and point at a patch of clean skin and tell them they hadn't played hard enough yet. She tried to convince him good parenting often began with dirty children, but Auron had dreadful flashbacks of an unkempt Raine because her own mother was too miserable to properly parent.

Auron's opinion of his wife had changed the night of Aunt Naya's funeral. The day had gone a little differently than Uncle Cetan's funeral, mostly because he had busied himself with minding the girls while Raine tended to family matters. It seemed a man trying to entertain two bored little girls was a little less unapproachable and he gained the sympathy of most of Raine's extended family. He couldn't count how many times he had said their names and ages, evincing polite surprise when they gushed how much like their mother they looked.

At the end of the day, Auron carried the sleeping girls to their respective bedrooms and tucked them him, then joined Raine under the covers, spooning her close. He knew what Raine needed. He had done this before when her uncle died and it seemed to work. Stroking her hair and her back, he decided to confide in her what Aunt Naya had told him the day of her first wedding with Jory, discerning it would make a nice memory for Raine. She should know how her Aunt Naya thought she was strong like her father and loved like her mother.

Raine rolled over in bed to face him. "Aunt Naya said that?"

"Hmmm," he murmured.

Raine scowled and turned back to her pillow. "That's not true."

Auron was taken aback. "Why not?" He didn't understand her discord. Her mother loved Jecht utterly and not a day went by when Auron didn't feel loved by Raine. Even on days they fought she always welcomed him back with liberal apologies, a face full of kisses, and sometimes a new sex position.

"My father was weak. He treated my mom like arm-candy and because of that I never felt any love from her."

She was right, of course. Her mother loved Jecht in an obsessive, fanatical way that left no room for anyone else, but Raine's love had the ability to grow and evolve with the addition of each daughter. Her mother's incompetence was because she had spent the majority of the morning moping in bed. If Raine forgot the girls' baths, it was because she lost track of time playing games with them, and if she had them wear the same clothes two days in a row, it was because she planned on teaching the girls how to make sand castles in the park play-box. And Auron would sit nearby on a bench to watch, recalling how Raine once patted his knee, the quiet desperation of a little girl whose mother paid little attention and whose brother was too busy being guided by his new mentor, and asked if he had any children she could play with. Every time it struck him he finally did have children for her to play with, his throat would get scratchy and tight and he swore a piece of sand had gotten into his eye.

Thinking of it now, Auron's face contorted with anguish and he could feel the dry sob rising. It came out as a miserable howl and the return echo was like the chilling, haunted cry of a far-off fiend. At first, it felt like his organs were tearing, but then something jarred inside him and released. Stunned, his breath snagged in his vocal cords and his mouth fell open, one bleary eye wandering its gaze to the stormy sky.

It's finally happening, Auron thought, as the first of many Pyreflies drifted from his body. They wafted without direction into the fog, glints of color peeking through the gloom. Soon, more appeared, shooting an abortive leak, like bubbles blown forcibly from a wand. Through a murky layer of hot tears, he watched them go, a great eddy of pink and green orbs twisting into the flickering welkin.

Auron found great relief in his self-sending. His unsent life had been longer than his living life, and in some ways, more rewarding, and while he didn't belong in the Zanarkand dream world, he didn't belong in Spira, either.

Auron was ready to go.


Raine knew it. She knew it and she didn't tell me.

He couldn't be angry at her. Regretting he didn't get one more chance to hold his daughters and kiss his wife, Auron knew Raine did it to avoid frightening the girls and so he could enjoy the last few moments he had with his family. This he could understand. How much had he hidden from Raine in order for her to enjoy life without burden?

Reassembling in the Farplane, Auron was immersed in an endless cream haze, so thick he could barely see the tops of his boots. In his first few steps, the ground felt uneven, like a rocky plain, but still routable at least. There was nothing to do but walk, the thinning and thickening of the fog impulsive and arbitrary, and Auron marveled at the borealis of teals and turquoises streaking the sky, but the silence in the Farplane was deafening, without even the pulse of his circulation to keep him company. He tried to keep his mind busy, sensing the eternal peace would drive him mad before long.

It saddened him greatly to think of his erased family, but it was the only thing in his mind worth evoking. Even the difficult times, which would creep unbidden into his contemplations, like a back-attack he didn't see coming until he was already hurting from its strike. Rough patches in their shared life came and went like speed bumps, but it was their unplanned pregnancy that turned into a continuous rift between them, always looming and building, leading to that one night when Raine came home early.

Auron had been feeding Basil smashed potatoes with a miniature spoon and Willow was in her booster chair, feeding herself the chicken he had already cut up for her. He heard Raine come in and she threw her overcoat over the banister, looking drained as she usually did.

"Mommy!" Willow cried, sliding down from her chair to greet her mother. Raine managed to give Willow a weary smile and pick her up to kiss her face.

"You're home early," Auron commented, expecting a drawn out story of how she got Colton to cover for her or how she hustled all day to get out on time.

She was still caked in studio make-up, which she used to wash off before leaving work, but she skipped it now so she could rush home. "We'll talk about it later," she said, walking by to put Willow back in her seat and kiss the top of her head. "Eat your dinner." She went to the stove to make a plate for herself.

With an arm like a gavel, Basil was impatiently slapping the surface of her high chair, her little mouth open in anticipation of her next bite. Auron was inadvertently holding the spoon just out of his daughter's reach, torturing her with it as he conversed with Raine. When he realized it, he lifted the spoon to her and she gummed it quickly, already eying the next bite from the bowl.

"No vegetables?" Raine asked.

"I made potatoes."

"Potatoes are not vegetables," she said shortly. "They're a starch."

Auron suppressed a sigh and said nothing, feeding his anxious daughter another spoonful. He was not a good enough cook to prepare vegetables in a way the girls appreciated and most of the time the greens ended up on the floor, in Basil's hair or in the garbage.

Raine set her plate in the last available place setting and circled the peninsula to Auron. Her perfume had worn off and now she smelled starchy of the office. Auron raised his chin to kiss her hello, but she ignored him, detaching Basil from her chair. Basil gave a whimper of aggravation, reaching for the fresh spoon Auron had scooped for her.

Raine kissed her rosy, potato-laden cheek. "I think there are some peas in the refrigerator," Raine said to her, emoting excitement in her face and trying to sound upbeat about it. Basil responded with another cry of distress, looking longingly at the potatoes, but Raine bounced her a couple times to draw her attention. "Should we have peas tonight? Should we?"

Auron threw the spoon in the bowl and whipped the towel off his shoulder, irritated. "Do you want me to feed her the peas?" Somehow, he didn't think this was about the peas.

"I've got it," she snapped, her tone much darker talking to Auron than when she spoke to Basil. Her high-heeled pumps sounded daunting on the wood floor and it put ice over his heart.

"Fine." Auron jumped out of his chair and stomped out of the room. He busied himself with some laundry in the girls' rooms and left Raine to chat with Willow about their day at the beach while she fed Basil peas on her lap. He let Raine have this time with them. It had been at least a month since she'd been home in time for dinner. He was beginning to know a little what it was like to be Jory, getting only her remains, after her job and the girls had picked her over.

Willow's birth coincided with the premiere of the sports show she was in line to host and the network hadn't been willing to push it back, so the job went to another sports anchor instead. It had been a year of hard work with nothing to show for it. When she couldn't have it, it somehow made her want it more and just after Basil's birth, another opportunity presented itself. Since then, Raine was working doubly hard to make this new show happen, staying late and going in on her days off. Before the children were born, Raine used to stay up late with him and all it took to put her in the mood was for him to rub her hip a little. But now, when she finally did come home, she had just enough energy to eat cold dinner, kiss the girls while they slept and crawl into bed.

Laundry done, Auron headed back to the kitchen, but Raine and the girls had already finished. In their bedroom, the bathroom door was open an inch and he could hear the running water, drowning out their gossip as Raine prepared them a bath. Auron removed his robe, hung it on the hook behind the closet door and stepped out on the back deck to watch the moonlight from the patio chair.

Raine was in her late-thirties now, looking better than he'd ever seen her, yet he still caught her at the bathroom mirror, examining imaginary imperfections in her face. After Basil, there was some mild pressure at the network for Raine to take off the baby weight, so they kept up their exercises in the morning. It helped Raine expel some of her work-related stress, but Auron found it only added to his, discovering the sweaty tension of their combat intensely sexual and she had less and less time to help him with his release. Sometimes, he wondered if she still wanted to. He was almost sixty.

And now he was thinking of Colton, always the natural progression of his thoughts after remembering his age. Colton and Raine had been working together since they were both sports journalists, competing for interviews in Blitzball locker rooms. Auron sensed Colton was sniffing around his wife even before Raine began preparing him to take over as sports anchor, when she was up for another promotion. Spouses were encouraged to attend office picnics and holiday parties, where Auron sat impassively listening as Raine and Colton chatted about work and Blitzball and season starters and anything else Auron knew little about. This year, they brought the girls to the annual picnic. Auron was convinced Colton was trying to impress Raine by spending the whole time showing the girls slight-of-hand tricks and teaching them knock-knock jokes, which Auron heard about a dozen more times on the train ride home. Auron trusted Raine, but not Colton.

But there were times Auron thought he should step aside. Maybe Raine should be with someone closer to her age, to face the challenges of growing older gradually as her age allowed. Already, Auron could feel himself slowing down and the girls were only going to get more active, how was he going to keep up with them? If Colton was their father, he would share Raine's sense of playfulness and have the patience to teach his daughters riddles and games.

Carrying a beer, Raine joined him on the deck, kicking off her heels before approaching him. Her blouse was untucked, the silky sleeves rolled up, and it was splotched dark with bath water. She had washed the makeup from her face, leaving her skin red and raw from the scrubbing. A gob of green peas was mashed into her collar. She nudged his knee with hers and he straightened to allow her on his lap.

She rested her head on his shoulder and toyed with the buckles on his collar for what seemed like an eternity, cradling the beer against her breast, pulling from it occasionally. He thought she might hand it over to him at some point, but whatever she had to say must have required the whole bottle.

"Did you watch the game today?" she asked.

"I'm sorry. We got back from the beach late and they were hungry."

"It's okay." She sighed. "I realized something today."

"What's that?"

"I figured out what my pull is."

Auron only frowned at the ocean, uncertain where this was leading.

Her head came off his shoulder. "Did you forget already?"

"Refresh me."

"That night at Rin's. I said Blitzball is Tidus' pull, guarding is your pull. You asked me what my pull was."

"I remember now. Do you still think it's Summoning?"

She snorted. "I think we both know it's not."

"So what is your pull?" Don't say Colton, don't say Colton, don't say Colton.

"Being a mother."

He kissed her hair in relief, detecting a little perfume on her still. "Of course it is."

"I quit my job today," she whispered.

Auron's heart stopped. "You what?"

"I…didn't get the show."

Auron internally sighed and his arms tightened around her. "I'm sorry. I know how hard you worked."

"I hardly ever see the girls anymore."

"I thought you loved being a Blitzball anchor."

"It was fine, but it's not who I am." She snagged his gaze. "Are you angry? You look angry."

He relaxed his face. "I'm…surprised."

She groaned. "I know the timing isn't good. The plumbing needs replacing and the air is doing that clicking thing again and we have those plans for a second bathroom—"

"We'll be fine. I'll swing by the docks tomorrow and see if there's any work."

"Oh," she said and her eyebrows knit together as she shook her head. "No, I have a meeting tomorrow with the manager of the Abes. She may have a job for me."

"Not playing Blitzball, I hope."

"No," she giggled. "I'm thinking about being a scout."

"A scout?"

"It's less money, but at least I can make my own hours. I mean, tournaments will get kind of crazy—"

"A scout…" Auron said again with a half-smile, getting used to the idea. She'd make a great scout.

"I know it's not as exciting as being a Guardian, but I appreciate you doing the stay at home dad thing."

"I like doing it, but they miss their mother. Will you be home by dinner?"

"By dinner? Baby, some days I'll be home in time to make dinner."

"That's a relief. Willow's looking a little deficient nutritionally."

"That will happen if you only know how to grill meat. I'll be home in time for other things, too." Her eyes softened on him. "You're looking a little hungry yourself."

"I've been keeping busy."

"Grilling all that meat?"

Auron tipped his head. "Mostly cold showers."

Her lips found his blind spot and his hand vanished up the front of her skirt, but when she started doing that swirling thing on his eye with her tongue, he knew they weren't going to make it to the bed.

Later, slipping naked and flushed under their covers, Raine stayed up late with him, chatting with him the details of the day: the snarky things she told her boss, the conversation she had with the Abes manager and how all the make-up artists told her she should have been the one to get the show.

"Who got it?" Auron asked.

"Oh," Raine said, shifting uncomfortably against him. "Colton."

The silence seemed very long in the darkness. Auron said, "I thought you were friends with Colton."

He felt her nod on his arm and a moment later, he felt her tracing the hair on his belly, stirring him. "I thought so too, but I think he just wanted the promotion. It is okay if we don't talk about that right now?"

"What would you like to talk about?"

"Nothing." She patted his chest. "Now lie back. Let me do the work this time."

In the morning, Raine had left early for her meeting with the Abes manager. Auron got the girls ready to leave the house and dropped them off at Aunt Naya's with a bag of extra diapers and snacks. "I won't be gone long," he told the older woman. "I just need to run some errands." He took the train to Raine's network station and when he left, he was escorted out by security. Colton's nose had been reset before the show's premiere, but the warning Auron had given would last him forever: "Stay away from my family."

Never again would Auron think he wasn't enough for Raine and the girls.

Already Auron could feel Raine and the girls fading from his mind, as though he had dreamed them up, their faces clouding over from holes in his memory. Wandering the Farplane, Auron never tired and never needed a break unless it was to disrupt the monotony of travel, but he was suddenly aware of the difference in scenery. Instead of the crunch of gravel, he heard the grassy whisper on each foot fall. Peering down at his boots, Auron found they were crushing several delicate flowers. The fog bowled around him like steam, ribbons of Pyreflies everywhere, but he had roamed into a meadow of lavender, red tulips and buttercups. At least he felt like he was getting somewhere; the landscape hadn't changed in several thousand foot-treads, but now the first signs of insanity were beginning to settle, starting with the laughter he heard in his head.

He ignored it at first, avoiding the downward spiral he was apparently heading to, but when he heard it again, it sounded nearer. Wading through the colorful blossoms, he forked off in another direction in attempt to follow it. A shadow appeared in the mist, small and dancing, and when Auron went closer, saw tiny fingers reaching for the playful Pyreflies as they jostled around, just out of her grasp. Messy blond hair swayed at the child's back as she jumped, disturbing the vapor around her.

"Raine?" Auron said. The horrible sink of his heart was unbearable as he realized this place was not the Farplane, but his own private hell. What kind of place would make him spend eternity with the love of his life…as a child?

The little girl turned around, the dark mirrors of his own sunglasses finding him, and her face lit up like a spark. Dropping to his knee, Auron's arms extended to her as Basil charged into him, crushing his collar, a mighty squeeze for such small arms, and stamping her feet in excitement. His hug was brief before he drew her back by the shoulders for a confirmatory inspection and then collected her again to resume the reunion.

"Have you seen Mom? Or Willow?" Auron asked.

Stepping back, his little girl nodded emphatically. At least she had enough of her mother in her to convey dialogue in her gestures, even through the added buffer of his sunglasses, which had always made Auron impervious to interpretation. That wasn't the only reason he had handed them down to his daughter; the truth was he just couldn't stand looking through them anymore.

"Where are they?"

Something in her expression bordered desolate.

"You were separated?" Auron guessed.

Sadly, she nodded.

"We'll find them," Auron said quickly and before she waned too far into grief, he wrapped his arms around her and planted noisy kisses on the side of her face until her legs buckled and she giggled. "Besides, I have a bet to settle with your mother."

She squinted at him, slanting her head in question, and Auron chuckled.

"Your mom doesn't believe in the Farplane," he said. Although Auron suspected when Raine saw his own Pyreflies departing his body after almost sending him, it was enough evidence to tip her over to the agnostic side.

With a keen nod of understanding, Basil smiled, furtive, as if to say: we'll show her.

Auron had never been overly happy about Basil's vow of silence, but Raine convinced him it was another phase, like taping down her eye and wearing her mother's turtle-necks with the collar fully drawn-out to hide the lower half of her face. Internally sighing, Auron pinched the eyewear she was wearing by the nose clamps and carefully slid them off her face. Basil could have been Raine's twin, except for Auron's amber eyes, which were now looking at him quizzically.

He folded them, tucked them away in an inside pocket of his cloak and said, "Trust me, everything looks better without these."

End