FicWad

I Hate Him

I hate him.
I mean I don’t, but really I do.
I feel trapped in a box with four equal walls
when I’m with him
love and hate, hate and love.

I left my heart with him
it’s in a locked box that I left on his door step
I don’t think he’s realized it’s still there.
I love his unknowing modesty
but I hate it too.

I love it when he smiles,
because of me.
I love it when he laughs,
because of me.
I love his everything.
Simultaneously, I hate his everything

I’m always with him and he’s always with me,
physically, verbally, mentally.
I want to hate that,
but his presence, true or illusion, lets me breathe easy
he’s not with me as much now though.
He’s near but he might as well as be across the other side of the Earth.
And that I really do hate.

His presence is unmatchable.
I can’t help but compare and contrast others to him.
All the dull brown leafs together could never stand a chance against the one golden leaf.
He’s my golden leaf, well not exactly mine,
but still I don’t want to settle for any droll brown leaf
Because of him,
I hate how selfish I’ve become.

Now that he’s far away and we don’t speak often
I can tell he’s moving on, changing.
I don’t want that.
If he moves on, he’ll leave me completely.
And I’ll be alone, and that scares me.
I hate being alone

I need him and he’s leaving.
He can’t see that,
he’s leaving me behind.
It’s not intentional.
At least I don’t think it is.
I am uncertain.
Uncertainty terrifies me,
and I hate being scared.

I need him.
Why can’t he see that?
Why can’t he see that he’s leaving me behind?
Why is he walking so fast?
Why are my feet so heavy?
I can’t keep up and he’s not going to walk backwards.
I hate that I can’t move forward like him.

I’ve become so dependent on him.
I wish he would de dependent on me.
But he’s not,
with me at least.
I hate depending so heavily on him.

He loves me though he tells me,
from time to time.
I love when he says he loves me,
but deep down inside I know his love isn’t like mine.
And when he leaves, he’ll forget his love for me.
I won’t forget mine.
Never.
I hate that my love lasts forever while his won’t

His name,
His laugh,
His smile,
His everything,
is carved into my mind like two lovers initials on an old withering tree.
Except this carving will never wear back down to where the bark is all even,
nor will this tree ever be cut down.
It will stand forever,
In my mind,
In my heart.
I hate not having the ability to forget like him.

I say I hate you,
but I don’t think I’m being entirely truthful.
I wish it was you though,
I think that would be easier if it was.
But in the end it’s not you that I hate,
but what I’ve become from loving you to dearly.
I hate myself as I am now,
but I’ll always love you.
And that is the truth.