FicWad

I would have thought at twenty, one would feel stronger than their younger selves, but it’s like this: Underneath all my years, I’m still four, still ten, and still thirteen. I’m a timeline, page after page stacked. I can be twenty in my application but I’m sixteen again later, digging into a tub of ice cream when they don’t respond.

I am seven tonight. When I walk down the unlit hallway, it’s a long forgotten name I’m calling out.

“Dad…?” The shadows stretch and I am afraid. “Daddy?”

The room on the end is the one he sleeps in. My heart is fluttery in my chest as I turn the knob. He’s another shadow in this room, tall and dark. But I’m not afraid. One light illuminates in the space, his frame outlined in iridescence. I feel safe.

“Daddy, I was lost.” I say finally.

He comes closer. I can see crystalline trails running from his eyes. “It’s alright to be lost, honey,” he murmurs. “You just have to find your way back.”

I expect him to gather me up in his arms and rock me to sleep, but he only stands before me, stoic and unmoving.

“Dad, tuck me in,” I demand. My hand shoots out to tug on his shirt.

In an ephemeral burst, he ruptures into stardust, particles twinkling languidly in the hazy light like gold.

I am eight and Dad doesn’t live with us anymore. I’m livid with tears.

Twenty again for a split second, rough around the edges, but now there’s no hand holding mine. I’m torn, mind scattered in the layers of my age like fossil.

I’m exhausted when I jump awake, confused. The bed in the half-empty apartment is too soft; my weight sinks into the mattress. The air is stuffy. The valley next to me once to held the warmth of a body.

They’ve both left, I realize.

The sheets are suffocating and I smother my face in them, hide my eyes from the darkness, from the twinkling stardust that used to be the people who loved me.














"thanks":https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luM6oeCM7Yw
-az