Categories > Original > Humor
Winter Horrorland
0 reviewsThe Smith Family receive a mysterious invitation to a ski resort. Which pleases Roger who missed the winter due to a coma.
0Unrated
After a six month hiatus, I am finally back to American Dad fanfics! Check out this brand spanking new one I wrote that I hope you fellow Ficwiddians will enjoy!
American Dad!
Fanfic Title:
Winter Horrorland
by: Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Day Care Center Lady from Steve and Snot's Testubluar Adventure.
Scene 1:
The CIA Jet landed in Langley Falls from Iceland on a cold winter's day. The jet landed in front on the Smith house. Francine was there to greet Stan as he came out with Roger who was incased in a block of ice and dressed like an Olympic ice skater.
Stan (to Roger): Were you trying to be Chex Lemmoux again?
Francine: Hey, Stan. How was Iceland......(gasps) What happened to Roger?
Stan: He followed me to Iceland and he was training for the 2014 Sochi Olympics. Then he did a triple spin and the ice broke and down he went.
Francine: I'll go run a bath! (runs into the bathroom)
Stan drags Roger into the living room.
Klaus: Oh, mein gosh! My dream came true! Roger's dead! Does this mean you're going to put me in his body and make _him_ be a fish?
Stan: In your dreams, fish ass!
Klaus: Damn!
Steve (walks in): Hi, Dad. How was Iceland......(sees Roger) What happened to Roger?
Stan: He was training for the Olympics and he jumped into a patch of thin ice.
Steve: Did he do drugs again?
Stan: Doesn't he always?
Francine: Bath's ready. Let's thaw his frozen ass! Stan, Steve, get on the back end.
Steve and Stan help Francine carry the ice Roger was incased in. They all put him in the bathtub. The ice block melted but Roger was still frozen.
Francine: I don't get it. This always works.
Steve: Think I know. Roger once told me that if his spieces gets frozen, he can go into a coma for the whole winter. Once the weather warms up, he will awaken.
Stan: Thanks for telling us. Think it's for the best to have Roger out of the way.
Francine: Why do you say that? Sure he can be a high flying bitch at times....
Stan: Because he's always hatching up some kind of scheme that usually puts us in danger, debt, and face possible deportation or prison time.
Francine: I see your point. Maybe it's good we do get a break from him.
Steve: Let's put him in the attic.
Stan carries Roger into the attic and Francine tucks him into bed.
Steve: See you in the spring, Roger. Good Night, Sweet Prince.
Stan (whispers in Roger's ear): I have bad news. Your hopes and dreams of attending the Winter Olympics in that Commie Country have gone down the toilet. What do you say we watch the Super Bowl, Steve?
Steve: Uhhh, I don't think so...
Stan: What do you want to watch? (mockingly) Mr. Wizard?
Scene 2:
After a long cold boring winter, spring has finally arrived in Langley Falls. Roger awakens from his coma unaware he is covered in bloody bruises.
Roger: Where am I? Is it time for the Olympics yet?
Francine: Rise and shine, Roger!
Roger: Franny! I assume you have my continential breakfast ready?
Francine: It's 5 in the afternoon.
Roger: Wow! I've been gone a long time.
Stan: Indeed you have! You missed the whole winter! It's spring already!
Roger: WHAT?!!?! Oh, no! Does that mean I missed the Sochi Olympics?
Stan: You bet your (beep) you did!
Roger: Holy (beep)! I can't believe I missed the whole winter! How will I make up for it?
Then Roger sees himself covered in bloody bruises.
Roger: What's all this.....
Steve: Never mind that right now. You can still train for the next Olympics....
Roger: You're right, Steve! But there's so many things I wanted to do this winter.
Francine: Why do you care about winter? It's so boring.
Stan: These past few months without you have been blissfull! We didn't have to put up with your lame ass hijinks for once! Now forget about winter and come on and watch TV with us!
Roger: No! Over Klaus's dead bloody corpse! I demand to have some winter fun! You all owe me a winter vacation!
Stan: Plan for summertime time fun instead Why don't you and Klaus play Battleship in the pool? You can be Rihanna!
Roger: Something will come my way.
Steve: I hired a hooker to give you hickeys, by the way.
Roger: You're a good friend.
Somewhere in a distance, a mystery person was watching the Smith family from his computer.
Person: Hmmmmm.......He'll have the time of his life once I'm with this family.....
Scene 3:
The next day, The Smiths receive a mysterious invitation in the mail. Francine goes to get the mail.
Francine: What? We won a winter getaway in Aspen?
Greg and Terry walk by.
Terry: Aspen? Oh, you silly silly goose! You're so lucky!
Greg: Why is it everybody gets to go to Aspen accept us?
Terry: I am so jealous!
Greg: If we ever go, we have some fab outfits to wear!
Terry: We were thinking of renting a cabin there....
Francine: I have no idea where this is from.
Terry: Send us a postcard!
Greg: We sure could've used that trip to improve our sex life!
Francine (runs inside): GREAT NEWS! GREAT NEWS! We're going to Aspen!!!!
As Francine screamed and ran inside, the whole neighborhood heard. Buckle and Shari were outside walking Kisses.
Buckle: Big deal!
Shari: When will you ever take me and Kisses in a vacation?
Buckle: Now Shari we've been through this. If we took a vacation, I'll have flashbacks to when I was a Disney engineer....
Shari: Sometimes I wonder why I married you....
Meanwhile at the Smith's house, Francine holds up in invitation.
Francine: We're going to Aspen!
Stan: Aspen? Where did you get that?
Francine: Just found this in the mail.
Stan (sees the invitation): Looks like this was made my EVITES. Oh, what the hell! Let's go to Aspen! Roger!
Roger: Yes, Stanley?
Stan: Don't call me that. Looks like you're going to have some wintertime fun after all! We're going to Aspen!
Roger: That is slick, dawg! Holla attacha boyee! (jumps up and down) I'll finally train for the next Olympics!
Steve: Aspen! Wow! There's a lot of hot chicks there! As I've seen in those 80's ski movies!
Francine: Let's invite Hayley!
They all walk into Hayley's room who was crying over a picture of Jeff.
Hayley: What do you guys want?
Francine: We just won a trip to Aspen for no reason at all! Want to come?
Hayley: No, I'm not going! I am staying here...
Stan: Come on! This is Colorado we're talking about! Weed's legal there! That's something up your alley.
Steve: Why don't you want to come? Not the same without you, big sis!
Hayley: You all know very well why I am not going....
Klaus: Actually, no we don't....
Hayley: Do you even have to ask?
A flashback scene is shown from Naked To The Limit One More Time of Roger pushing Jeff into the spaceship.
Jeff: HAYLEY!
The scene is back in Hayley's room.
Hayley: This will be my first family vacation without Jeff....That's why.
Francine: You went to Familyland with us, and you never even mentioned old 'whatshisname'.
Steve: That's the name of the Princess from Earthworm Jim.
Stan: You know what you need? A vacation by yourself. You should go to Massachutes! You'll find a lot of Jeffs there!
Roger: Yeah, you can hang around with all the Massholes! (laughs)
Hayley: Shut up and leave me alone! (walks up to Roger): This is all your fault this happened to Jeff in the first place. If you hadn't pretended to be his imaginary friend.....in fact, I was so mad at you for what you did, I beat you up when you were in your coma!
Roger: That's why I was covered in bloody bruises? Steve told me he hired a prosititute to give me hickeys.
Steve: I lied. (to Hayley) You've been doing good without Jeff. Remember that fake ID business we had...
Roger: You've had a lot of other boyfriends since then...
Hayley: You all don't understand! Jeff and I had this deep connection that none of you can comprehend...
Roger: You're both left wing political nut jobs! Nuts as in testicles....
Hayley (growling): Fine! I'll go! But I won't do anything there!
Stan: All right! Let's all go give Roger the winter vacation he deserves!
Steve: And help him train!
Stan: That's right son! Maybe we'll get that hotel room Kobe Bryant stayed in!
Francine: Think we'll be staying at a lodge. That's what the invite said.
Hayley: Like he deserves a vacation.
After a while, the Smiths were on an airplane going to Aspen. In the corgo hold, Steve finds himself waking up in a bed.
Steve: What's going on here? What is this? Am I supposed to be like that kid from The Client?
Roger: You mean, Brad Renfro? No.
Steve: Why am I on a bed?
Roger: I'm going to give you a lipo!
Steve: A lipo!!????
Roger: Right you are! I saw this on 1000 Ways To Die. Someone was giving a friend a lipo, and now I'll do it to you!
Steve: I don't need a lipo!
Roger: You will if you're going to train for ice skating!
Steve: I thought _you_ were the ice skater!
Roger: I gave up on being an ice skater, so now I'm pushing YOU to be one!
Steve: Why do I need this? I'll train for you, but not this way!
Roger: You have to be extra skinny to be an icy skater!
Steve: Now, this is gone too far, I won't do it if you're going to resort to....
Roger gives Steve a shot in his stomach to numb the area. Then Roger makes an incesion into Steve's stomach and gets a Shop Vac to suck out some of Steve's guts.
Steve: How were you able to get those on the plane?
Roger: I have my ways. (inserts the Shop Vac into Steve's stomach)
Steve: No, please! I'm already skinny and......(screams as Roger turns on the Shop Vac)
Roger: I have Stage Mom syndrome! I demend perfection! Why do you think The Marx Brothers made it so big?
Scene 4:
The Smith family were now in Aspen. They approach a log cabin that looks like a motel. It was called Valley Lodge. A mysterious old man in a tuxedo invites them in.
Man: Come in, ladies and gentlemen. Come in.
They all look around inside and see a desk, computer, and some rooms.
Steve: This looks like the Bates Motel.
Francine (angerly): What did Mommy tell you about watching scary movies? (slaps Steve upside the head)
Klaus: Oh, no! This is going to be like that South Park episode! They'll probably pressure us to buy a timeshare!
Hayley: I just want to be left alone, so nobody talk to me.
Stan: I'll check us in. Doubt they'll be selling us a timeshare. The day the Smith's buy a timeshare is the day when hell freezes over.
Hayley: Timeshares are just a way to take people's money. They only live in them once a year. That's a waste on the working class Average Joe.
Francine: Do you have to take your liberal jaded political views everywhere you go?
Stan: Give it a rest, it's so annoying!
As Stan was checking them in, Roger sees the Valley Lodge.
Roger: Hey! I think we're in the house of Manos: The Hands of Fate! Francine and Hayley will become wives and Klaus will be the new Torgo!
Klaus: I've seen that movie. Manos lived in El Paso, not Aspen! Watch the closing credits next time, dipstick!
Man: All checked in? I'll show you to your suites.
The man in the tuxedo showed them their rooms.
Man: Rules first. No men in the women's quarters. No women in the men's quarters. No coed.
Roger: And No Sex In The Champange room! (laughs) An underrated Chris Rock song. He tried too hard to be like Eddie Murphy.
Steve: No coed? For a minute there I was hoping....
Hayley: With your family?
Steve: Eeep!
Man: So, all of you go to sleep. Men in pajamas, girls in gowns. Good-a-night.
Stan: This place has a Hitchcock feel to it. Guess we better do as he says.
Francine and Hayley go into their room. And Steve, Stan, Roger, and Klaus go into their room.
Hayley (looks around): Everywhere I look, it's brand name nail polish, makeup, hair bands, jewels, and crass materialism and captialism all over the place!
Francine: Lighten up, Hayley. This place is like a girl's dream come true! What do you say we give each other makeovers? It'll be like a slumber party!
Hayley (groans): Whatever. Jeff would agree with me......
Meanwhile, in the men's quarters. Steve and Roger were in their pajamas that were provided in the room, as Stan was looking for his pajamas in the closet.
Stan: Still don't get why we got an invitation to this place out of the blue.
Steve: I know. It's not like we entered a contest or something.
Roger: Who cares! All I want is to have a winter adventure I've been longing for. Missed the whole winter being in that coma.
Steve: My stitches still hurt thanks to you.
Roger: Well, you have to play through the pain if you're going to train for ice skating.
Steve: I only agreed to train for ice skating is so I can meet a girl and get laid!
Stan: Attaboy, son! You just might be a man after all! Wrong choice sport through. (looks side to side) Huh.....Something about this just doesn't add up.....However, too bad I can't do a panty raid on Francine......
Roger (looks around): Balloons, whoopie cushions, silly string, too bad we can't play pranks on the girls.....
Stan: Anyway, Steve. Roger can train you to win a gold medal! Then you can have 6 months of fame and accidently kill your girlfriend thinking she's an intruder!
Steve: Gold medal? Me?
Klaus: We're not allowed in the girl's room. (sees a gun) I see a gun.
Then Roger goes into the closet and finds a gun.
Roger: Stan! Get a load of this!
Stan: Is it loaded?
Roger shoots the gun and Stan's pajamas get shot.
Steve (screams): His jim jams!
Roger: At least we know it's loaded! If you went inside those pajamas, your dick would've been blown off! (laughs)
Stan (grabs gun away from Roger): Get into bed. (disgustedly) Inside them.
The Smith family all went to bed.
Scene 5:
The next day they decide to hit the slopes. Stan and Francine were trying out skiing.
Francine: Never taken a winter vacation before. Always so used to summer.
Stan: Could be my CIA instincts, but I must get to the bottom of this.
Francine: Relax and try to have fun.
Stan: A terrorist could be behind this.
Francine: You think terrorists are everywhere. You never should have seen Fahrenheit 9/11.
Stan: That movie was so five minutes ago. Don't you remember that part about the training camp in Oregon? How do we know THIS isn't one....
Klaus walks up to them.
Francine: Hey, Klaus.
Klaus: Howdy, Stan. How about we all go skiing together?
Stan: After that Flippity Flop nonsense you put me through? No way.
Then Stan sees an empty snowboard and puts Klaus in it.
Klaus: Zey. Maybe we should try snowboarding? I'm up for that.
Stan: I got a better idea, let's try THIS!
Klaus gets pushed down a steep snowy slope and screams in agony.
Stan: Consider that revenge! Like Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda...(calls out to Klaus) ASSHOLE!!!!!!
Klaus: NNNNEEEEEIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!
Stan: Let's go skiing!
Francine and Stan go skiing down the slope. Klaus is far away from them.
Scene 6:
At a frozen pond, Roger is training Steve to ice skate.
Steve: Why did you give me the liposuction again?
Roger: So you can be extra skinny so you can skate better. Natalie Portman did in Black Swan. If you train hard enough, I'll let you pig out on a cake!
Steve was ice skating around the pond doing spins and jumps.
Roger: Now's the time to do my Dick Buttons impersonation, "Triple SalCal!"
As Steve continues to skate, Roger gets a radio and plays the Perfection Song from the Black Swan soundtrack.
Steve: I thought you had to lose weight for ballet....
Roger: Less talk, more skate! You'll never meet a girl or get to the Olympics with that blabbermouth! You want this to be like Hot Dog The Movie? Then shut up and concentrate!
Steve then skates, spins, and then falls.
Roger: BBAAAHHH!!!!! You call that ice skating? More like ice tripping! Are you on (beep) drugs?!
Steve: Taking it off right here, boss!
Roger: Starting to talk like black folk, there! Now, start over from the top! Don't make me get my Joe Jackson whip on you!
Steve (scared): I don't want that!
Roger watches Steve as he continued to skate. Steve is on the verge of perfecting his moves.
Steve (spins and stops): Yes! I did it! Did you see that, Roger?
Then Steve tries to look for Roger, and turns around and sees a Yeti.
Steve (screams in terror): A YETI! They're real! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Roger: Don't you give me that bull(beep) about a Yeti, Steve......
Steve: Behind you!
Roger (looks behind him): Son of a bitch! YETI!
Steve and Roger run away from the Yeti as best the could. The Yeti chased them around the ski resort.
Scene 7:
At the ski slope, Stan and Francine were skiing downhill. Unaware that a giantic snowman is secretly headed their way.
Francine: Isn't this wonderful, Stan? Snow, fresh clean mountain air, skiing, skating, boarding, and most of all being with the family. If we didn't come here, we'd be channel surfing and we'll see The Green Mile again on AMC.
Stan: Even on vacation, you can't shut your trap. Sorry, about that. As much fun as this is, I'm still flaming gut suspicious about this....
Francine: Weed is legal here, so what do you say we roll up a few joints after this?
Stan: Out of the question! I am a straightlaced, conservative Republican and I will NOT resort to smoking any hippie weed!
Francine: Oh, please! We get drunk together on special occasions and we have sex. I want to have sex high for a change!
Stan: Alcohol is different, drugs are bad! Drugs are for the CIA to hand out not take!
Francine: You're a hippocrate about that anyway, former crackhead! You know, Don Draper did speed on Mad Men....
Stan: And shame on him!
Francine and Stan continue to ski downhill and then they are cornered by a giantic snowman. They both scream.
Stan and Francine: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Snowman: FE FI FO FUM! I smell the blood of a conservative Republican!
As Francine stands by, Stan tries to stand up to the snowman.
Stan (putting up his dukes): You gotta beef with me? Wanna piece of me? Wanna fight? Be a man and take me on! What's wrong, too slow for ya?
Then Stan tries to do a little dance to elude the snowman.
Snowman: Huh?
Stan: A little too speedy, are we? Can you take it? Can you take it? Can you take it?
Francine: I hate it when he has to resort to Shemp Howard impressions....
The Snowman then grabs Stan with his fist and carries him away.
Stan: HHHEEEELLLLPPP!!!!! Francine! Get help! I'm having flashbacks from the Holodeck I stuck Steve and his friends in that one time.
Francine: Oh, no! What will I do?
Stan: Call the CIA, call the fire department, call the police, ANYTHING!
Francine: Got it!
As the Snowman terrorizes Stan and tries to eat him, Francine takes off her coat, shirt, and bra. She puts the shirt and coat back on and Francine gets a rock and puts it in her bra. Then Francine spins the bra with the rock inside.
Francine: Saw Darryl Hannah do this in Clan Of The Cave Bear....
Stan: You'll regret eating me! I'm going to taste like (beep) Or be (beep) and give you indigestion!
Francine throws the bra and rock at the Snowman and succeeds in defeating him. The Snowman explodes and there's springs, wires, and computer chips all around. Stan is saved, but embarrassed.
Stan: You know, this situation would be a lot better if it had been in reverse...
Francine: What does that mean?
Stan: The snowman was supposed to get you and then I come in to rescue YOU!
Francine: Stop it, Stan! Me saving you doesn't make you any less of a man. I rescued you from that Scarlet bitch.
Stan (picks up computer chip): Knew it! Someone IS behind this......
Francine: Let's investigate! We'll be like McMillian and Wife. Or Hart to Hart in case we already referenced that.
Scene 8:
Steve and Roger were still running away from the Yeti.
Roger: What is this, a Sid and Morty Croft production?
Steve: I have no idea what you're talking about!
Roger: This isn't what I had in mind for a winter adventure!
Steve: No wonder Mom is so protective of me.....and my Dad thinks I'm a wimp! They were right all along!
Roger: This really sucks! Why can't I be at home watching RiffTrax on Youtube! Maybe winter isn't so cool after all.
Steve and Roger stop running and the Yeti backs them up against a tree.
Roger: So, any last words?
Steve: That thing looks like he wants to eat us. You have my back, right? We made a pact that you'll protect me for danger.
Roger: I do have your back, and I remember that pact. I'll think of something to protect you. I'll kill of this Yeti and fight for you honor as a friend!
Steve: Awesome! What do you have in mind?
Roger (terrified): If I don't think of a way to fight, first he's going to chew us, then he's going to swallow us, then he's going to dissolve us, then we'll all going to be (beep)
Steve: Comforting thoughts! Do something!
Roger burrows under the snow leaving Steve with the Yeti.
Steve: Nice going you selfish bastard! You were going to save me and you saved yourself!
The Yeti then begins to chase Steve.
Steve: Mom! Dad! Hayley! Mark Hamill! Harrison Ford! Wait. (stops running) I have to be with the times. (continues running) Phil Robertson! Honey Boo Boo! Bruce Jenner! Obama! Anybody! HELP!
Scene 9:
In another part of the ski resort that looked like a civil war military base. Hayley was walking by herself.
Hayley: Oh, Jeff. (sobs) So full of memories of you.....All of this stuff here is what we used to do. Skiing, hiking..........Nobody cares you're gone but me. (sobs)
As Hayley was walking around crying, she sees a two story fort.
Hayley: We even used to watch F Troop reruns and complain about how racist those Indians were. That fort and this base reminds me of it. We had plans to move here to Colorado, to sell weed......
Then Hayley gets an even better look and sees someone inside.
Hayley: Wait a minute....
Steve runs by Hayley and screams, and she sees him getting chased by a Yeti. Roger comes up to her. Roger doesn't want to let Hayley on he wimped out on saving Steve.
Roger: Hey, Hayley! What are you doing here on the set of F Troop? Will you get me Frank De Kova's autograph? If you see him make it say, "Wise Old Indian Saying".
Hayley: Roger! What is going on here? Are YOU behind this? You're the one who wanted a winter vacation so it would not surprise me in the least! Considering you're such a sadistic sociopath who enjoys putting this family in danger! Why is Steve being chased by a Yeti?
Roger: Find out for yourself! I'm not sticking around to find out......
Hayley then climbs up the ladder and into the fort. Inside the fort, she sees some control panels, computers, TVs, cameras, and a keyboard. Then a mysterious person comes up to her.
Person: You there! What are you doing in my private sector?
Hayley: I am trying to get to the bottom of.....
The person sees Hayley and it's revealed that he is Ethan.
Hayley: Ethan?!?!? Say, I remember you! You held me and my ali....I mean, professor friend hostage when you killed your father and made us play Pictionary!
Ethan: Right you are!
Hayley: Thought you went to prison?
Ethan: I didn't. After I killed my father I came here to Colorado and took over this ski resort here.
Hayley: What happened to cooking school?
Ethan: Gave up on it! After I realized I enjoyed killing my father so much! Then after that, I came here to Aspen and I found this ski resort. So I figured.....hey! I can kill more people. So I send fake invites to unsuspecting people and I built these mechanical Yetis and Snowmen to torture, maim, and murder people! My mechanical snowman and yeti killed many here who came and they all died bloody violent deaths. And boy did I enjoy it! I sent one to you so I can kill you and your family so you won't turn me in for killing my father.
Hayley: I can't believe I liked you once! I'm having you reported!
Ethan then pulls a gun on her.
Hayley: You're insane.
Ethan: Now that you know my little secret, I'm going to have to kill you.....
Hayley: Go ahead. (gulps) Shoot me. I have nothing left to live for anymore since my husband is dead.
Ethan: Husband?
Hayley: I married Jeff Fischer. Know him?
Ethan: In that case, you're about to have a reunion with him........IN HELL!
Scene 9:
Stan and Francine kept skiing until they too reached the fake civil war military base. Hayley was still being held hostage by Ethan.
Francine: This must be the finish line.
Stan: From the looks of this, we might be treated to a civil war reenactment!
Roger: Staniel and Franny! Thank (beep)! Where have you been?
Francine: We went downhill skiing.
Stan: Then we were almost mauled by an electronic Snowman.
Roger: Me and Steve got chased by a Yeti. Then I promised him I was going to fight it for him, and then petered out....
Stan: As George S. Patton once said, 'Somebody get me a gun I'm going to shoot this coward'!
Roger (sobbing): I know! I'm a coward! Don't rub it in! I let Steve down!
Francine: Well make it up to him and tell us where he is! (picks up Roger and angerly shakes him) Where is Steve?
Roger: Over there....
Stan, Francine, and Roger all see Steve get chased by the Yeti.
Steve: Help! Help! I can't take it anymore! Don't know how much far I can get!
Francine: Oh, my baby! My poor helpless sweet baby! Somebody save him!
Roger gets the gun from the closet in the men's quarters. Then Roger sees Hayley in the fort being held at gunpoint by Ethan.
Stan: Is that the gun from the closet?
Roger: Sure is! I'm going get all James Arness on that (beep)head Yeti!
Francine (sees Hayley in the fort): Ehhhh. Don't care that much about her. She's a dissapointment! (grabs Stan by the collar) BUT PLEASE! Save my precious baby STEVE!
Roger: Shut up already, Frannie! Are you trying to make me induce vomiting with that 'my baby' crap?
Stan: Hayley's in trouble, too! Come on, Smiths! We're going to save our kids!
Roger: I'll save Steve!
Stan: I'll save Hayley!
Roger aims the gun at the Yeti as Steve was being chased by it. Stan goes up the ladder to the fort and confronts Ethan.
Ethan: Did I ever tell you Out of Time with Denzel Washington is my favorite movie? The ending is what inspired me to hold you hostage like this.
Hayley: If you're going to shoot me, you should've done it a little while ago.
Stan breaks in and it causes Ethan to fall to the ground and drop his gun.
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: Miami Vice......FREEZE! (tackled Ethan) Wait, that didn't come out right. You're under arrest, scumbag!
Ethan: Who the hell are you, ass?
Stan: Stan Smith, CIA! Did you know Hayley's father worked for them?
Hayley: He's the one that orchestrated this whole thing. He also killed his father years ago.
Stan: He did, did he?
Outside, Roger and Francine see Steve still being chased, Roger shoots the gun and misses.
Roger: Marshmallows! Wouldn't you know, I missed!
Francine: Concentrate!
Steve: I used to think Yetis were cool sci-fi creatures, but not anymore! Save me, Roger! SAVE ME!
Out of the blue, Klaus was on his snowboard and comes behind the Yeti at full speed and makes the Yeti trip. Then the Yeti turns to Klaus, and he jumps out of his bowl and whips the Yeti with his tail.
Klaus: Beat it, BOZO!
The Yeti is then smashed into electronical pieces. Steve is please because he assumed Roger saved him. Stan, Hayley, and Ethan come out of the fort.
Stan: I expect total ass kissing from you, Hayley! You owe me a debt of gratitude!
Scene 10:
The danger was over now. Stan has Ethan in handcuffs. Steve runs to Francine.
Stan (to Ethan): You killed your father, too? You pathetic cocksucker! I dreamed of killing my father, but I never did it. And my father was a thief!
Hayley: His father would not let him go to cooking school, and after he killed his father he moved to this ski resort and built those robotic yetis and snowmen to lure innocent people here to kill them.
Stan: Knew something with suspicious about this from the start! My CIA instincts win again!
Steve: Oh, Mommy! It was terrible! (sobs) I just wanted to be a skater so I can impress girls.
Francine: Mommys here for you now, honey!
Steve (turns to Roger): Thank you, Roger! That was awesome and kick-ass how you shot that Yeti. You are a true friend who has my back.
Klaus: Actually, I was the one that saved you.
Roger: Afraid he's right. I missed.
Steve: No way?!?!?! Get out! (turns to Klaus) You saved me?
Klaus: Jahvole I did!
Steve: Roger was supposed to save me, not YOU!
Ethan: So you arrested me. What are you going to do with me?
Stan: I got a suitable punishment for you.
Steve walks away disapointed as Klaus tries to catch up to him.
Klaus: You really put your faith and hope in Roger? I'm a better friend to you then he ever was...
Steve: Leave me alone!
Klaus: I made the Yeti slip! I whipped him with mein tail!
Steve: That's supposed to impress me?
Roger: I was the one who tried to shot it!
Klaus: Come on, Steve. What do you say? Give Klaus a BIG HUG!
Steve angerly screams and kicks Klaus in his bowl and he goes flying 10 feet into the air.
Klaus: NNNNEEEEEEEIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!
Roger: Ethan. So you were the one that lured us here and tried to kill us? What do you have planned for him, Stan?
Stan: Since he likes Colorado so much.....
Scene 11:
The Smiths were back home in Langley Falls thinking of their adventure.
Stan: That was quite an ordeal we had in Aspen.
Roger: Finally feel like my winter has been fulfilled. We were training, being chased, almost killed...best winter ever! Who could ask for anything more!
Steve: Next time I'm in danger, you save me.
Roger: That'll do, pig! That'll do!
Francine: Heard they tore down that ski resort after what happened.
Hayley: Wonder what became of Ethan?
Stan: Well, Mrs. Stockholm Syndrome, let's just say I gave him a punishment he deserves. Jon Gotti has something to do with it.
The next scene shows Super Max. Ethan is there in the prison with a sign that says, 'Child Killer' on his back.
Ethan: Since I'm here for the rest of my life. This place don't look too bad....who the hell is Jon Gotti? And why am I in his cell?
The buzzer rang and Ethan's cell door opens, and as soon as he walks out, all of the inmates gang up on him to beat him up.
Inmate #1: Child Killer!
Inmate #2: We hate those people here!
Inmate #3: Let's kick his ass!
Ethan: Aw, man! I'm dead!
THE END
American Dad!
Fanfic Title:
Winter Horrorland
by: Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Day Care Center Lady from Steve and Snot's Testubluar Adventure.
Scene 1:
The CIA Jet landed in Langley Falls from Iceland on a cold winter's day. The jet landed in front on the Smith house. Francine was there to greet Stan as he came out with Roger who was incased in a block of ice and dressed like an Olympic ice skater.
Stan (to Roger): Were you trying to be Chex Lemmoux again?
Francine: Hey, Stan. How was Iceland......(gasps) What happened to Roger?
Stan: He followed me to Iceland and he was training for the 2014 Sochi Olympics. Then he did a triple spin and the ice broke and down he went.
Francine: I'll go run a bath! (runs into the bathroom)
Stan drags Roger into the living room.
Klaus: Oh, mein gosh! My dream came true! Roger's dead! Does this mean you're going to put me in his body and make _him_ be a fish?
Stan: In your dreams, fish ass!
Klaus: Damn!
Steve (walks in): Hi, Dad. How was Iceland......(sees Roger) What happened to Roger?
Stan: He was training for the Olympics and he jumped into a patch of thin ice.
Steve: Did he do drugs again?
Stan: Doesn't he always?
Francine: Bath's ready. Let's thaw his frozen ass! Stan, Steve, get on the back end.
Steve and Stan help Francine carry the ice Roger was incased in. They all put him in the bathtub. The ice block melted but Roger was still frozen.
Francine: I don't get it. This always works.
Steve: Think I know. Roger once told me that if his spieces gets frozen, he can go into a coma for the whole winter. Once the weather warms up, he will awaken.
Stan: Thanks for telling us. Think it's for the best to have Roger out of the way.
Francine: Why do you say that? Sure he can be a high flying bitch at times....
Stan: Because he's always hatching up some kind of scheme that usually puts us in danger, debt, and face possible deportation or prison time.
Francine: I see your point. Maybe it's good we do get a break from him.
Steve: Let's put him in the attic.
Stan carries Roger into the attic and Francine tucks him into bed.
Steve: See you in the spring, Roger. Good Night, Sweet Prince.
Stan (whispers in Roger's ear): I have bad news. Your hopes and dreams of attending the Winter Olympics in that Commie Country have gone down the toilet. What do you say we watch the Super Bowl, Steve?
Steve: Uhhh, I don't think so...
Stan: What do you want to watch? (mockingly) Mr. Wizard?
Scene 2:
After a long cold boring winter, spring has finally arrived in Langley Falls. Roger awakens from his coma unaware he is covered in bloody bruises.
Roger: Where am I? Is it time for the Olympics yet?
Francine: Rise and shine, Roger!
Roger: Franny! I assume you have my continential breakfast ready?
Francine: It's 5 in the afternoon.
Roger: Wow! I've been gone a long time.
Stan: Indeed you have! You missed the whole winter! It's spring already!
Roger: WHAT?!!?! Oh, no! Does that mean I missed the Sochi Olympics?
Stan: You bet your (beep) you did!
Roger: Holy (beep)! I can't believe I missed the whole winter! How will I make up for it?
Then Roger sees himself covered in bloody bruises.
Roger: What's all this.....
Steve: Never mind that right now. You can still train for the next Olympics....
Roger: You're right, Steve! But there's so many things I wanted to do this winter.
Francine: Why do you care about winter? It's so boring.
Stan: These past few months without you have been blissfull! We didn't have to put up with your lame ass hijinks for once! Now forget about winter and come on and watch TV with us!
Roger: No! Over Klaus's dead bloody corpse! I demand to have some winter fun! You all owe me a winter vacation!
Stan: Plan for summertime time fun instead Why don't you and Klaus play Battleship in the pool? You can be Rihanna!
Roger: Something will come my way.
Steve: I hired a hooker to give you hickeys, by the way.
Roger: You're a good friend.
Somewhere in a distance, a mystery person was watching the Smith family from his computer.
Person: Hmmmmm.......He'll have the time of his life once I'm with this family.....
Scene 3:
The next day, The Smiths receive a mysterious invitation in the mail. Francine goes to get the mail.
Francine: What? We won a winter getaway in Aspen?
Greg and Terry walk by.
Terry: Aspen? Oh, you silly silly goose! You're so lucky!
Greg: Why is it everybody gets to go to Aspen accept us?
Terry: I am so jealous!
Greg: If we ever go, we have some fab outfits to wear!
Terry: We were thinking of renting a cabin there....
Francine: I have no idea where this is from.
Terry: Send us a postcard!
Greg: We sure could've used that trip to improve our sex life!
Francine (runs inside): GREAT NEWS! GREAT NEWS! We're going to Aspen!!!!
As Francine screamed and ran inside, the whole neighborhood heard. Buckle and Shari were outside walking Kisses.
Buckle: Big deal!
Shari: When will you ever take me and Kisses in a vacation?
Buckle: Now Shari we've been through this. If we took a vacation, I'll have flashbacks to when I was a Disney engineer....
Shari: Sometimes I wonder why I married you....
Meanwhile at the Smith's house, Francine holds up in invitation.
Francine: We're going to Aspen!
Stan: Aspen? Where did you get that?
Francine: Just found this in the mail.
Stan (sees the invitation): Looks like this was made my EVITES. Oh, what the hell! Let's go to Aspen! Roger!
Roger: Yes, Stanley?
Stan: Don't call me that. Looks like you're going to have some wintertime fun after all! We're going to Aspen!
Roger: That is slick, dawg! Holla attacha boyee! (jumps up and down) I'll finally train for the next Olympics!
Steve: Aspen! Wow! There's a lot of hot chicks there! As I've seen in those 80's ski movies!
Francine: Let's invite Hayley!
They all walk into Hayley's room who was crying over a picture of Jeff.
Hayley: What do you guys want?
Francine: We just won a trip to Aspen for no reason at all! Want to come?
Hayley: No, I'm not going! I am staying here...
Stan: Come on! This is Colorado we're talking about! Weed's legal there! That's something up your alley.
Steve: Why don't you want to come? Not the same without you, big sis!
Hayley: You all know very well why I am not going....
Klaus: Actually, no we don't....
Hayley: Do you even have to ask?
A flashback scene is shown from Naked To The Limit One More Time of Roger pushing Jeff into the spaceship.
Jeff: HAYLEY!
The scene is back in Hayley's room.
Hayley: This will be my first family vacation without Jeff....That's why.
Francine: You went to Familyland with us, and you never even mentioned old 'whatshisname'.
Steve: That's the name of the Princess from Earthworm Jim.
Stan: You know what you need? A vacation by yourself. You should go to Massachutes! You'll find a lot of Jeffs there!
Roger: Yeah, you can hang around with all the Massholes! (laughs)
Hayley: Shut up and leave me alone! (walks up to Roger): This is all your fault this happened to Jeff in the first place. If you hadn't pretended to be his imaginary friend.....in fact, I was so mad at you for what you did, I beat you up when you were in your coma!
Roger: That's why I was covered in bloody bruises? Steve told me he hired a prosititute to give me hickeys.
Steve: I lied. (to Hayley) You've been doing good without Jeff. Remember that fake ID business we had...
Roger: You've had a lot of other boyfriends since then...
Hayley: You all don't understand! Jeff and I had this deep connection that none of you can comprehend...
Roger: You're both left wing political nut jobs! Nuts as in testicles....
Hayley (growling): Fine! I'll go! But I won't do anything there!
Stan: All right! Let's all go give Roger the winter vacation he deserves!
Steve: And help him train!
Stan: That's right son! Maybe we'll get that hotel room Kobe Bryant stayed in!
Francine: Think we'll be staying at a lodge. That's what the invite said.
Hayley: Like he deserves a vacation.
After a while, the Smiths were on an airplane going to Aspen. In the corgo hold, Steve finds himself waking up in a bed.
Steve: What's going on here? What is this? Am I supposed to be like that kid from The Client?
Roger: You mean, Brad Renfro? No.
Steve: Why am I on a bed?
Roger: I'm going to give you a lipo!
Steve: A lipo!!????
Roger: Right you are! I saw this on 1000 Ways To Die. Someone was giving a friend a lipo, and now I'll do it to you!
Steve: I don't need a lipo!
Roger: You will if you're going to train for ice skating!
Steve: I thought _you_ were the ice skater!
Roger: I gave up on being an ice skater, so now I'm pushing YOU to be one!
Steve: Why do I need this? I'll train for you, but not this way!
Roger: You have to be extra skinny to be an icy skater!
Steve: Now, this is gone too far, I won't do it if you're going to resort to....
Roger gives Steve a shot in his stomach to numb the area. Then Roger makes an incesion into Steve's stomach and gets a Shop Vac to suck out some of Steve's guts.
Steve: How were you able to get those on the plane?
Roger: I have my ways. (inserts the Shop Vac into Steve's stomach)
Steve: No, please! I'm already skinny and......(screams as Roger turns on the Shop Vac)
Roger: I have Stage Mom syndrome! I demend perfection! Why do you think The Marx Brothers made it so big?
Scene 4:
The Smith family were now in Aspen. They approach a log cabin that looks like a motel. It was called Valley Lodge. A mysterious old man in a tuxedo invites them in.
Man: Come in, ladies and gentlemen. Come in.
They all look around inside and see a desk, computer, and some rooms.
Steve: This looks like the Bates Motel.
Francine (angerly): What did Mommy tell you about watching scary movies? (slaps Steve upside the head)
Klaus: Oh, no! This is going to be like that South Park episode! They'll probably pressure us to buy a timeshare!
Hayley: I just want to be left alone, so nobody talk to me.
Stan: I'll check us in. Doubt they'll be selling us a timeshare. The day the Smith's buy a timeshare is the day when hell freezes over.
Hayley: Timeshares are just a way to take people's money. They only live in them once a year. That's a waste on the working class Average Joe.
Francine: Do you have to take your liberal jaded political views everywhere you go?
Stan: Give it a rest, it's so annoying!
As Stan was checking them in, Roger sees the Valley Lodge.
Roger: Hey! I think we're in the house of Manos: The Hands of Fate! Francine and Hayley will become wives and Klaus will be the new Torgo!
Klaus: I've seen that movie. Manos lived in El Paso, not Aspen! Watch the closing credits next time, dipstick!
Man: All checked in? I'll show you to your suites.
The man in the tuxedo showed them their rooms.
Man: Rules first. No men in the women's quarters. No women in the men's quarters. No coed.
Roger: And No Sex In The Champange room! (laughs) An underrated Chris Rock song. He tried too hard to be like Eddie Murphy.
Steve: No coed? For a minute there I was hoping....
Hayley: With your family?
Steve: Eeep!
Man: So, all of you go to sleep. Men in pajamas, girls in gowns. Good-a-night.
Stan: This place has a Hitchcock feel to it. Guess we better do as he says.
Francine and Hayley go into their room. And Steve, Stan, Roger, and Klaus go into their room.
Hayley (looks around): Everywhere I look, it's brand name nail polish, makeup, hair bands, jewels, and crass materialism and captialism all over the place!
Francine: Lighten up, Hayley. This place is like a girl's dream come true! What do you say we give each other makeovers? It'll be like a slumber party!
Hayley (groans): Whatever. Jeff would agree with me......
Meanwhile, in the men's quarters. Steve and Roger were in their pajamas that were provided in the room, as Stan was looking for his pajamas in the closet.
Stan: Still don't get why we got an invitation to this place out of the blue.
Steve: I know. It's not like we entered a contest or something.
Roger: Who cares! All I want is to have a winter adventure I've been longing for. Missed the whole winter being in that coma.
Steve: My stitches still hurt thanks to you.
Roger: Well, you have to play through the pain if you're going to train for ice skating.
Steve: I only agreed to train for ice skating is so I can meet a girl and get laid!
Stan: Attaboy, son! You just might be a man after all! Wrong choice sport through. (looks side to side) Huh.....Something about this just doesn't add up.....However, too bad I can't do a panty raid on Francine......
Roger (looks around): Balloons, whoopie cushions, silly string, too bad we can't play pranks on the girls.....
Stan: Anyway, Steve. Roger can train you to win a gold medal! Then you can have 6 months of fame and accidently kill your girlfriend thinking she's an intruder!
Steve: Gold medal? Me?
Klaus: We're not allowed in the girl's room. (sees a gun) I see a gun.
Then Roger goes into the closet and finds a gun.
Roger: Stan! Get a load of this!
Stan: Is it loaded?
Roger shoots the gun and Stan's pajamas get shot.
Steve (screams): His jim jams!
Roger: At least we know it's loaded! If you went inside those pajamas, your dick would've been blown off! (laughs)
Stan (grabs gun away from Roger): Get into bed. (disgustedly) Inside them.
The Smith family all went to bed.
Scene 5:
The next day they decide to hit the slopes. Stan and Francine were trying out skiing.
Francine: Never taken a winter vacation before. Always so used to summer.
Stan: Could be my CIA instincts, but I must get to the bottom of this.
Francine: Relax and try to have fun.
Stan: A terrorist could be behind this.
Francine: You think terrorists are everywhere. You never should have seen Fahrenheit 9/11.
Stan: That movie was so five minutes ago. Don't you remember that part about the training camp in Oregon? How do we know THIS isn't one....
Klaus walks up to them.
Francine: Hey, Klaus.
Klaus: Howdy, Stan. How about we all go skiing together?
Stan: After that Flippity Flop nonsense you put me through? No way.
Then Stan sees an empty snowboard and puts Klaus in it.
Klaus: Zey. Maybe we should try snowboarding? I'm up for that.
Stan: I got a better idea, let's try THIS!
Klaus gets pushed down a steep snowy slope and screams in agony.
Stan: Consider that revenge! Like Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda...(calls out to Klaus) ASSHOLE!!!!!!
Klaus: NNNNEEEEEIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!
Stan: Let's go skiing!
Francine and Stan go skiing down the slope. Klaus is far away from them.
Scene 6:
At a frozen pond, Roger is training Steve to ice skate.
Steve: Why did you give me the liposuction again?
Roger: So you can be extra skinny so you can skate better. Natalie Portman did in Black Swan. If you train hard enough, I'll let you pig out on a cake!
Steve was ice skating around the pond doing spins and jumps.
Roger: Now's the time to do my Dick Buttons impersonation, "Triple SalCal!"
As Steve continues to skate, Roger gets a radio and plays the Perfection Song from the Black Swan soundtrack.
Steve: I thought you had to lose weight for ballet....
Roger: Less talk, more skate! You'll never meet a girl or get to the Olympics with that blabbermouth! You want this to be like Hot Dog The Movie? Then shut up and concentrate!
Steve then skates, spins, and then falls.
Roger: BBAAAHHH!!!!! You call that ice skating? More like ice tripping! Are you on (beep) drugs?!
Steve: Taking it off right here, boss!
Roger: Starting to talk like black folk, there! Now, start over from the top! Don't make me get my Joe Jackson whip on you!
Steve (scared): I don't want that!
Roger watches Steve as he continued to skate. Steve is on the verge of perfecting his moves.
Steve (spins and stops): Yes! I did it! Did you see that, Roger?
Then Steve tries to look for Roger, and turns around and sees a Yeti.
Steve (screams in terror): A YETI! They're real! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Roger: Don't you give me that bull(beep) about a Yeti, Steve......
Steve: Behind you!
Roger (looks behind him): Son of a bitch! YETI!
Steve and Roger run away from the Yeti as best the could. The Yeti chased them around the ski resort.
Scene 7:
At the ski slope, Stan and Francine were skiing downhill. Unaware that a giantic snowman is secretly headed their way.
Francine: Isn't this wonderful, Stan? Snow, fresh clean mountain air, skiing, skating, boarding, and most of all being with the family. If we didn't come here, we'd be channel surfing and we'll see The Green Mile again on AMC.
Stan: Even on vacation, you can't shut your trap. Sorry, about that. As much fun as this is, I'm still flaming gut suspicious about this....
Francine: Weed is legal here, so what do you say we roll up a few joints after this?
Stan: Out of the question! I am a straightlaced, conservative Republican and I will NOT resort to smoking any hippie weed!
Francine: Oh, please! We get drunk together on special occasions and we have sex. I want to have sex high for a change!
Stan: Alcohol is different, drugs are bad! Drugs are for the CIA to hand out not take!
Francine: You're a hippocrate about that anyway, former crackhead! You know, Don Draper did speed on Mad Men....
Stan: And shame on him!
Francine and Stan continue to ski downhill and then they are cornered by a giantic snowman. They both scream.
Stan and Francine: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Snowman: FE FI FO FUM! I smell the blood of a conservative Republican!
As Francine stands by, Stan tries to stand up to the snowman.
Stan (putting up his dukes): You gotta beef with me? Wanna piece of me? Wanna fight? Be a man and take me on! What's wrong, too slow for ya?
Then Stan tries to do a little dance to elude the snowman.
Snowman: Huh?
Stan: A little too speedy, are we? Can you take it? Can you take it? Can you take it?
Francine: I hate it when he has to resort to Shemp Howard impressions....
The Snowman then grabs Stan with his fist and carries him away.
Stan: HHHEEEELLLLPPP!!!!! Francine! Get help! I'm having flashbacks from the Holodeck I stuck Steve and his friends in that one time.
Francine: Oh, no! What will I do?
Stan: Call the CIA, call the fire department, call the police, ANYTHING!
Francine: Got it!
As the Snowman terrorizes Stan and tries to eat him, Francine takes off her coat, shirt, and bra. She puts the shirt and coat back on and Francine gets a rock and puts it in her bra. Then Francine spins the bra with the rock inside.
Francine: Saw Darryl Hannah do this in Clan Of The Cave Bear....
Stan: You'll regret eating me! I'm going to taste like (beep) Or be (beep) and give you indigestion!
Francine throws the bra and rock at the Snowman and succeeds in defeating him. The Snowman explodes and there's springs, wires, and computer chips all around. Stan is saved, but embarrassed.
Stan: You know, this situation would be a lot better if it had been in reverse...
Francine: What does that mean?
Stan: The snowman was supposed to get you and then I come in to rescue YOU!
Francine: Stop it, Stan! Me saving you doesn't make you any less of a man. I rescued you from that Scarlet bitch.
Stan (picks up computer chip): Knew it! Someone IS behind this......
Francine: Let's investigate! We'll be like McMillian and Wife. Or Hart to Hart in case we already referenced that.
Scene 8:
Steve and Roger were still running away from the Yeti.
Roger: What is this, a Sid and Morty Croft production?
Steve: I have no idea what you're talking about!
Roger: This isn't what I had in mind for a winter adventure!
Steve: No wonder Mom is so protective of me.....and my Dad thinks I'm a wimp! They were right all along!
Roger: This really sucks! Why can't I be at home watching RiffTrax on Youtube! Maybe winter isn't so cool after all.
Steve and Roger stop running and the Yeti backs them up against a tree.
Roger: So, any last words?
Steve: That thing looks like he wants to eat us. You have my back, right? We made a pact that you'll protect me for danger.
Roger: I do have your back, and I remember that pact. I'll think of something to protect you. I'll kill of this Yeti and fight for you honor as a friend!
Steve: Awesome! What do you have in mind?
Roger (terrified): If I don't think of a way to fight, first he's going to chew us, then he's going to swallow us, then he's going to dissolve us, then we'll all going to be (beep)
Steve: Comforting thoughts! Do something!
Roger burrows under the snow leaving Steve with the Yeti.
Steve: Nice going you selfish bastard! You were going to save me and you saved yourself!
The Yeti then begins to chase Steve.
Steve: Mom! Dad! Hayley! Mark Hamill! Harrison Ford! Wait. (stops running) I have to be with the times. (continues running) Phil Robertson! Honey Boo Boo! Bruce Jenner! Obama! Anybody! HELP!
Scene 9:
In another part of the ski resort that looked like a civil war military base. Hayley was walking by herself.
Hayley: Oh, Jeff. (sobs) So full of memories of you.....All of this stuff here is what we used to do. Skiing, hiking..........Nobody cares you're gone but me. (sobs)
As Hayley was walking around crying, she sees a two story fort.
Hayley: We even used to watch F Troop reruns and complain about how racist those Indians were. That fort and this base reminds me of it. We had plans to move here to Colorado, to sell weed......
Then Hayley gets an even better look and sees someone inside.
Hayley: Wait a minute....
Steve runs by Hayley and screams, and she sees him getting chased by a Yeti. Roger comes up to her. Roger doesn't want to let Hayley on he wimped out on saving Steve.
Roger: Hey, Hayley! What are you doing here on the set of F Troop? Will you get me Frank De Kova's autograph? If you see him make it say, "Wise Old Indian Saying".
Hayley: Roger! What is going on here? Are YOU behind this? You're the one who wanted a winter vacation so it would not surprise me in the least! Considering you're such a sadistic sociopath who enjoys putting this family in danger! Why is Steve being chased by a Yeti?
Roger: Find out for yourself! I'm not sticking around to find out......
Hayley then climbs up the ladder and into the fort. Inside the fort, she sees some control panels, computers, TVs, cameras, and a keyboard. Then a mysterious person comes up to her.
Person: You there! What are you doing in my private sector?
Hayley: I am trying to get to the bottom of.....
The person sees Hayley and it's revealed that he is Ethan.
Hayley: Ethan?!?!? Say, I remember you! You held me and my ali....I mean, professor friend hostage when you killed your father and made us play Pictionary!
Ethan: Right you are!
Hayley: Thought you went to prison?
Ethan: I didn't. After I killed my father I came here to Colorado and took over this ski resort here.
Hayley: What happened to cooking school?
Ethan: Gave up on it! After I realized I enjoyed killing my father so much! Then after that, I came here to Aspen and I found this ski resort. So I figured.....hey! I can kill more people. So I send fake invites to unsuspecting people and I built these mechanical Yetis and Snowmen to torture, maim, and murder people! My mechanical snowman and yeti killed many here who came and they all died bloody violent deaths. And boy did I enjoy it! I sent one to you so I can kill you and your family so you won't turn me in for killing my father.
Hayley: I can't believe I liked you once! I'm having you reported!
Ethan then pulls a gun on her.
Hayley: You're insane.
Ethan: Now that you know my little secret, I'm going to have to kill you.....
Hayley: Go ahead. (gulps) Shoot me. I have nothing left to live for anymore since my husband is dead.
Ethan: Husband?
Hayley: I married Jeff Fischer. Know him?
Ethan: In that case, you're about to have a reunion with him........IN HELL!
Scene 9:
Stan and Francine kept skiing until they too reached the fake civil war military base. Hayley was still being held hostage by Ethan.
Francine: This must be the finish line.
Stan: From the looks of this, we might be treated to a civil war reenactment!
Roger: Staniel and Franny! Thank (beep)! Where have you been?
Francine: We went downhill skiing.
Stan: Then we were almost mauled by an electronic Snowman.
Roger: Me and Steve got chased by a Yeti. Then I promised him I was going to fight it for him, and then petered out....
Stan: As George S. Patton once said, 'Somebody get me a gun I'm going to shoot this coward'!
Roger (sobbing): I know! I'm a coward! Don't rub it in! I let Steve down!
Francine: Well make it up to him and tell us where he is! (picks up Roger and angerly shakes him) Where is Steve?
Roger: Over there....
Stan, Francine, and Roger all see Steve get chased by the Yeti.
Steve: Help! Help! I can't take it anymore! Don't know how much far I can get!
Francine: Oh, my baby! My poor helpless sweet baby! Somebody save him!
Roger gets the gun from the closet in the men's quarters. Then Roger sees Hayley in the fort being held at gunpoint by Ethan.
Stan: Is that the gun from the closet?
Roger: Sure is! I'm going get all James Arness on that (beep)head Yeti!
Francine (sees Hayley in the fort): Ehhhh. Don't care that much about her. She's a dissapointment! (grabs Stan by the collar) BUT PLEASE! Save my precious baby STEVE!
Roger: Shut up already, Frannie! Are you trying to make me induce vomiting with that 'my baby' crap?
Stan: Hayley's in trouble, too! Come on, Smiths! We're going to save our kids!
Roger: I'll save Steve!
Stan: I'll save Hayley!
Roger aims the gun at the Yeti as Steve was being chased by it. Stan goes up the ladder to the fort and confronts Ethan.
Ethan: Did I ever tell you Out of Time with Denzel Washington is my favorite movie? The ending is what inspired me to hold you hostage like this.
Hayley: If you're going to shoot me, you should've done it a little while ago.
Stan breaks in and it causes Ethan to fall to the ground and drop his gun.
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: Miami Vice......FREEZE! (tackled Ethan) Wait, that didn't come out right. You're under arrest, scumbag!
Ethan: Who the hell are you, ass?
Stan: Stan Smith, CIA! Did you know Hayley's father worked for them?
Hayley: He's the one that orchestrated this whole thing. He also killed his father years ago.
Stan: He did, did he?
Outside, Roger and Francine see Steve still being chased, Roger shoots the gun and misses.
Roger: Marshmallows! Wouldn't you know, I missed!
Francine: Concentrate!
Steve: I used to think Yetis were cool sci-fi creatures, but not anymore! Save me, Roger! SAVE ME!
Out of the blue, Klaus was on his snowboard and comes behind the Yeti at full speed and makes the Yeti trip. Then the Yeti turns to Klaus, and he jumps out of his bowl and whips the Yeti with his tail.
Klaus: Beat it, BOZO!
The Yeti is then smashed into electronical pieces. Steve is please because he assumed Roger saved him. Stan, Hayley, and Ethan come out of the fort.
Stan: I expect total ass kissing from you, Hayley! You owe me a debt of gratitude!
Scene 10:
The danger was over now. Stan has Ethan in handcuffs. Steve runs to Francine.
Stan (to Ethan): You killed your father, too? You pathetic cocksucker! I dreamed of killing my father, but I never did it. And my father was a thief!
Hayley: His father would not let him go to cooking school, and after he killed his father he moved to this ski resort and built those robotic yetis and snowmen to lure innocent people here to kill them.
Stan: Knew something with suspicious about this from the start! My CIA instincts win again!
Steve: Oh, Mommy! It was terrible! (sobs) I just wanted to be a skater so I can impress girls.
Francine: Mommys here for you now, honey!
Steve (turns to Roger): Thank you, Roger! That was awesome and kick-ass how you shot that Yeti. You are a true friend who has my back.
Klaus: Actually, I was the one that saved you.
Roger: Afraid he's right. I missed.
Steve: No way?!?!?! Get out! (turns to Klaus) You saved me?
Klaus: Jahvole I did!
Steve: Roger was supposed to save me, not YOU!
Ethan: So you arrested me. What are you going to do with me?
Stan: I got a suitable punishment for you.
Steve walks away disapointed as Klaus tries to catch up to him.
Klaus: You really put your faith and hope in Roger? I'm a better friend to you then he ever was...
Steve: Leave me alone!
Klaus: I made the Yeti slip! I whipped him with mein tail!
Steve: That's supposed to impress me?
Roger: I was the one who tried to shot it!
Klaus: Come on, Steve. What do you say? Give Klaus a BIG HUG!
Steve angerly screams and kicks Klaus in his bowl and he goes flying 10 feet into the air.
Klaus: NNNNEEEEEEEIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!
Roger: Ethan. So you were the one that lured us here and tried to kill us? What do you have planned for him, Stan?
Stan: Since he likes Colorado so much.....
Scene 11:
The Smiths were back home in Langley Falls thinking of their adventure.
Stan: That was quite an ordeal we had in Aspen.
Roger: Finally feel like my winter has been fulfilled. We were training, being chased, almost killed...best winter ever! Who could ask for anything more!
Steve: Next time I'm in danger, you save me.
Roger: That'll do, pig! That'll do!
Francine: Heard they tore down that ski resort after what happened.
Hayley: Wonder what became of Ethan?
Stan: Well, Mrs. Stockholm Syndrome, let's just say I gave him a punishment he deserves. Jon Gotti has something to do with it.
The next scene shows Super Max. Ethan is there in the prison with a sign that says, 'Child Killer' on his back.
Ethan: Since I'm here for the rest of my life. This place don't look too bad....who the hell is Jon Gotti? And why am I in his cell?
The buzzer rang and Ethan's cell door opens, and as soon as he walks out, all of the inmates gang up on him to beat him up.
Inmate #1: Child Killer!
Inmate #2: We hate those people here!
Inmate #3: Let's kick his ass!
Ethan: Aw, man! I'm dead!
THE END
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