FicWad

I was walking back and forth in my room, glancing at my phone, hoping it would ring, just so i could apologize, apologize for being an asshole, for going off on him like it was my mere purpose in life, but truly the only purpose in it was to love, and to love no other than Frank Iero, i looked around my room with that small, yet most important thought in mind, feeling the poster filled walls stare at me with discontent, it was as if the walls felt my sadness, its shade of lavender, began to seem darker and darker by the second, so thats when i reached for the phone, stomach squirming, and doing somersaults of all sorts, heart pumping at an abnormal speed, i dialed the number i knew by heart, the number forever imprinted in my brain, waiting for a response, -ring-....-ring-...my stomach was getting worst and so was my heart i felt as though it was ready to go straight up my throat and lay on the floor...-ring-...it never took so long for him to answer and finally at the third ring he did...-hel- i heard the screeching of wheels, and honestly thought it was nothing, up until i heard a thump and it wasn’t simply on the other line, i turned to the sound right outside my window, an image, i knew would never leave my mind, the corpse, of the one person i ever loved, my best friend, my life, was now sprawled on the floor looking lifeless as ever, right in front of my house, i ran down the seemingly endless stair and out the door, hoping, simply hoping, and begging to a god, i never even believed in up until that moment up until I wanted it all to be a dream, that my Frankie was not harmed that he’d get right up, that my heart hadn't been yanked out and thrown into fire, and given to dogs as supper, i couldn't do anything but stare and hold him, he was my very life, and i had yanked it out of him, if i hadn't called, he would have payed attention, if i hadn't argued with him he wouldn't even have been crossing this goddamn street, he wouldn’t be fucking dead in my arms.


“It’s a new beginning,” they said. It didn’t feel like it though everything just felt, i don’t even know how to classify the feeling, it was as if there was a void, a sudden emptiness, a hole in my chest, but then again, my heart had been ripped out and it was all my fucking fault, and now i was expected to go to school, and not just any school a new one, in which i had no one, mostly because the one person who was always there was now gone, yes i had my brother, but it just wasn't the same, everyone wanted me to act like he never happened like i hadn't fallen in love and hadn't lost him, like it was worth living without the love of your life, maybe some it was mostly because maybe they haven’t met them, or they were not the cause of their death.

I woke up this morning covered in sweat, sweat and tears,just like every night, i was now deeply into antidepressants, mostly because everyone was scared i would do the unthinkable, though it was one of the things i thought of the most, finishing it off, and at least die thinking i would be with my Frankie again, and this time it’d be forever.

My thoughts were disturbed by my mother, who put french toast in front of me, giving me a small smile and patting my back, for a while now, everyone was acting really careful, as if scared anything would cause me to break, and truly i was scared of it myself. I had a two month break of school, given my depression, and the move.

‘The move’ it wasn't that big of a move we were still in new jersey just a different city, we went from Belleville, to Newark. But now i was expected to start ‘fresh’ just the thought made me feel worse. When we moved to Belleville, it was the same thing, the reason for the move different, though the same as the ones before, i was never ‘cool’ and i was never ‘normal’ and when i met frank everything had changed everything was somehow alright, and now with the simple thought of things going back to how they were before, and life without frank it was simply unbearable, even though it had to be done, because one of the things that was imprinted in my brain was that life goes on without you, and that didn't just mean frank, mostly because a part of me was now stuck and the other died with Frank, but the world expected my life to go on.

I finished ‘eating’ more of like cutting and playing with my food, and got up as my dad walked silently down the stairs, giving me a nod, “ You ready?”

I simply nodded, though i didn't mean? it I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready to go to my new hell, a hell without a little angel to guide me through it. and it was as if the world didn't feel ready either, simply because that breeze, the breeze i felt at frank's funeral, as a sign that was saying i wasn't ready to let go, and now here it was again, telling me school wasn't going to help, that nothing would ever make me forget Frank, sighing, i opened the door and headed towards the car, to await my father, as he led us, mostly me to a new hell.