FicWad

By some miracle I was up early Sunday morning. Twelve beers were obviously not nearly enough to keep me satisfied or to knock me out cold. My first instincts were to go straight to Sarah’s house and apologize for my shameful behavior Friday night, but I realized that she was probably in church. Instead I killed time cleaning up my apartment. My clothes haven’t been washed in ages and rubbish, mostly empty alcohol containers, littered the floor. All this being done, the place was as clean as I was ever going to get it without actually spring cleaning.

I arrived at Sarah’s apartment still early and waited, hoping that the sermon put her in a positive state of mind. Churches always preached about forgiveness and second chances, didn’t they?

When the elevator doors opened and Sarah stepped out, she didn’t look too thrilled to see me. I stood up and dusted off my clothes.

“Hi,” I greeted a little self-consciously.

She unlocked the door without looking at me and walked inside. Her silence was worse than if she had been shouting. I took the fact that she left the door open behind her as an invitation to enter and did so without hesitating. There was no need to give her a chance to reconsider.

Sarah turned on the coffee maker and removed two cups from a cupboard still without a word. Once we were finally, thank goodness, seated with our coffees, she looked at me expectantly.

“I want to apologize for my behavior Friday night,” I got straight to the point.

She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to continue.

“I shouldn’t have gotten drunk and passed out,” I continued. I didn’t want to do all the talking. I wanted her to tell me how she felt about the whole matter. I wanted her to forgive me.

“You weren’t the only one,” she pointed out. “But then again, you were a lot more than just drunk.”

This was the point where I should have hung my head in shame, but I felt the need to say more. “Yes, I know, but I wasn’t alone. You invited me to keep you company and I totally screwed up. I hurt you.”

“No, Gerard I was more disappointed than hurt,” she corrected me. “It was really the last thing I expected from you.”

“Do you remember when I wanted to tell you something right before the party started? Well, the thing is… My friends told me that if I liked you I should tell you about my problems and let you decide if I was worth a chance. Right then I wanted to tell you. I was going to tell you everything, including the fact that I’m…” I took a deep breath as if to encourage myself before continuing, “I’m an alcoholic.”

She closed her eyes for a few seconds breathing deeply. She was obviously shocked by that revelation and who could blame her? “Why didn’t you tell me the truth from the start? I trusted you.”

“I know, I know,” I replied apologetically. “You know, for once in my life I wanted to do something right. I really like you and I wanted to take a chance on us, if you had wanted to, but I always screw things up. I always…” my voice trailed off.

“Please stop feeling sorry for yourself, okay?” Her eyes were wide as she said this. “You had a choice, Gerard. You always have a choice and you chose this road.”

That was the harsh truth and something no one has ever put so bluntly.

“I told you the truth,” I murmured almost uncertainly, because something in the back of my mind told me that I was about to make everything worse.

“When???” she demanded incensed.

“That time when we were here in your apartment. I told you that I was a liar…”

“Oh, get over it, Gerard! You’ve been lying to me all along! Since that day I asked you about alcoholics, before that even, straight through until now.” She was on her feet and pacing in front of me, though her movements were slightly hindered by the small cramped space.

”I’m trying, okay? I just need a little help here,” I pleaded, looking up at her regretfully.

Sarah stopped what she was doing and sighed deeply. “What do you want from me?”

“Just your forgiveness…”

“Gerard, I’m not mad at you. I just… I wish you had told me sooner,” she quietly spoke.

This time my head hung in shame. Sarah was the first good thing to happen to me in a very long time and this was how I showed my gratitude, by hurting her.

“But, I am willing to help you.”

My head snapped up. “What?”

“You have a problem. You said it yourself: all you need is help,” she explained.

I got up, “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“But…”

“I knew it. I knew that the second you found out about my addiction you were going to try to change me,” I nearly yelled, waving my arms around angrily. It hurt that she couldn’t just accept me for who I was. Why wasn’t I good enough the way I was?

“It’s not about changing you, Gerard,” she responded heftily. “It’s about helping you turn your life around. You’re better than this.”

It might have been my imagination, but I could’ve sworn the unexpected rejection caused me physical pain.

“Maybe I’m not. And you know, it was a party. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. I just had a little too much fun.” I exclaimed a little hysterically. I had no idea why I was freaking out like this, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself.

“I might believe you if it were only the alcohol that got the better of you, but we both know that’s not all you took,” Sarah argued sadly.

“How would you know? You were too busy catering to everyone else’s needs,” I shot back. My anger had turned to her now.

“Fine then, Gerard. You’re such a great liar. Lie to me!” Sarah yelled. She was done being nice to me. “Lie to me and tell me that you only had a few beers. Tell me that you’ve never done cocaine in your life and that Friday night was an anomaly concerning the marijuana joint in hand. Go on, lie to me!” She repeated irately.

“You’re so fantastic at it.”

“I can’t! Sarah…”

“What?” she cut me short. “You’ve been doing it so well this entire time. Can’t think of another lie now that the truth has come out?”

“I’m not ready!” I shouted, causing her to take a step away from me and stay quiet. “I can’t change who I am.” This last part was almost a whispered confession.

It was quiet for a long time after that. I felt her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll help. Please let me help you, Gerard. I know people who’ve dealt with these kinds of things. This will be for the best.”

“No, you don’t know that.” I pulled away from her. “I have problems and I admit it, but they’re my problems. I deal with them in my own way…”

“By going out and getting drunk every night???” she demanded.

“It doesn’t matter.” I retorted, heading for the door. “I’m not changing who I am.”

“Gerard!” she called after me, but I kept on walking.

I pulled up my hoodie and stuffed my hands in my pockets, walking down the street. I was stubborn as hell, but this was my life and I’ll lead it the way I wanted to.

*

I downed a shot of tequila. I felt pretty low. Of course I was smiling, but it was only on the outside. I shot back another glass. My friends knew I suffered from depression and they’ve learned to deal with it – just ignore it. I did.

I didn’t want to be out with everyone tonight. I didn’t want to be alone either. In the end it was a coin toss about which one appealed to me less and eventually I found myself in the bar. I didn’t trust myself to stay home alone. In my current state of mind there was no telling what I was capable of. At least here there were people keeping an eye on me if only barely.

The alcohol wasn’t enough tonight. I needed more.

I got up and made my way to the restrooms. Once inside I removed a small bag containing white powder from my jacket pocket. I bought it off a guy near my apartment. After I was done I made sure that there were no traces left of my indiscretion and headed back to the guys.

I sometimes did crack – no big deal. It was just another way of dealing with my problems. Without fail, not long after I returned from the bathroom, my spirit was already lifted and I was ready to be the life of the party again. People let you down, but the drugs never did. There would always be something you could count on and that was that the substances had your back covered.