FicWad

When I get big I want to be just like my big sister. She is so pretty, look at how all the boys want her. When she goes on dates she comes back and gives me the gifts. I love the flowers. One time I got a beautiful locket she did not want. I love the way she always speaks up for me when Momma makes me go with her on her dates. Momma says that I am the insurance policy. Hehehee.
Her dates would say let’s just leave her at such and such or with this person or that. But, she never left me. Not one time. Her date had to buy me ice cream too on one occasion. He would say, you going to give me a kiss too? Sissy would give him such a scowl that it rivaled satan. Followed by take me home you weirdo. He apologetically said he was sorry which I accepted. Nothing wrong with a kiss, I told her. Not the kind of kiss he wanted. Okay Sissy, I would say.
Momma would question me to high Heaven when we got back. Momma, Sissy is good Momma. She didn’t do nothing wrong. Yeah, that is because you was with her. Heathen, Momma would yell. You don’t be like her. You be good, wait till you are married before you go running around all kinds of mens. Yes Momma. Doing all kinds of nasty heathenness things.
Momma we just had some ice cream. I felt bad for my sister, Momma was so hard on her. And Daddy forget about it. He gave her spanking just for looking cross eyed.
I liked playing dress up with Sissy, she let me try on all her beautiful clothes. She says when I get big I can wear them anytime. Before going to sleep we would always say our prayers. Sissy would say do not forget about this person and that person. I would get tired of praying we would be on our knees so long. But, Sissy would say do not forget one person. Because I am so special to God that he would hear my prayers for someone, their names needed only to fall off my lips. He listens to you, should would say with a smile.
She always made me feel special like the Lord really cared about little old me. I always felt special when I was out and about and she would be with her friends and she would come over and introduce me. This is my little sister isn’t she something, knows the Bible inside out she going to be preacher one day. I would giggle. Because I told her a million times, I don’t want to be no preacher; I want to be a Secretary like Ms. Dessa at church.
My big Sister is like a movie star, she is something special. Can’t wait to grow up I want to be just like her.
She was coming in later and later every night. Momma would be up with her belt and beat her up the steps. But, Sissy was getting bigger, and the belt did not even affect her anymore. Ooh Sissy, what is that smell? It is horrible, it is alcohol you don’t try it. I want to do everything you do I said joyfully. She looked at me like death, you don’t’ do it. You hear me. You let me do it first I will let you know. I was like okay whatever. She came over to me and began shaking me. I said you let me do it, let me deal with this you don’t try. She shook me so hard that I began to cry. However, it wasn’t the shaking it was that she was angry with me.
Let’s say our prayers to take away from the tense moment. No she said you say them by yourself. I began and ended and headed for bed. You didn’t pray for me, Sissy said? You angry at me. No, I didn’t. Lord please keep Sissy safe and sound. And deliver me, Sissy added. Say deliver Sissy, of course Sissy. And please deliver Sissy from satan any wickedness, I pray in Jesus name. Now, he will listen to you. Sissy said relieved.
I was getting older and looking kind of cute if I must say so myself. I got a real cute boyfriend captain of the High school football team. But, I had not finished middle school yet, not until next year. Sissy found a condom in my pocketbook. She what the hell are you doing you are going to get it. I got it from school, I will be fine I know what I am doing, besides if I don’t he will date one of the high school girls.
Just then Momma barreled opened the door. What is going on. I was petrified because Sissy was holding the condom in her hand. Momma went off. And began beating Sissy across the head, I said Momma don’t. Shut up and sit down in here with this heathen, Momma yelled. Momma pulled her out of the room by her hair. Momma don’t. Sissy said to Momma, “Isn’t it better that I have safe sex, Momma.” I gotttt the condom from school Momma, Sissy explained. You a heathen and God is not in you, she said while dragging Sissy down the hallway, you could hear them fighting. Listening was worse than the spanking itself. I could hear Momma say in front of your little sister, you supposed to be setting the example. Momma I had never seen a condom before certainly not from Sissy, I said quietly in my heart. Oh Lord forgive me for not speaking up so sorry.
When Sissy got back her hair was totally out of place blouse ripped. I said am I so sorry Sissy. She looked at me never raise your hand to your Momma, it can be deadly and they never forgive you. I never want her to hate you like she do me.

I am so sorry Sissy I am so ashamed. Sissy said don’t be you will probably have to take a beating for me one day. She smiled faintly and turned over and went to bed. I prayed and prayed must have been for 40 minutes straight. Begging the Lord to forgive me.
Later that night Daddy barreled in the room, going to Sissy closet throwing all her things on the floor. You get out, you are no longer going to taint this family. You hear me get out. He pulled Sissy right out of the bed to her knees. She began picking up her things. This time I decided I was going to speak up. I said Daddy it was my condom, I got it from school. Sissy was chastising me for it. He looked at me in a fit of rage. He said don’t you see satan is trying to taint you. He is trying to tempt you into sin, because we have allowed it with Sissy. I got up began packing my suitcase too, I am going with Sissy. As I headed to the bedroom door exit Daddy threw me down in a nearby chair so hard, that my whole inside was shook up. I stood back up and he pushed me back down. He called me satan and told satan that you can’t have this daughter. I do not know what happened but I passed out.
I saw Sissy on late night out the window. She said shhh, and pointed to the back fence. We talked and talked. She said what about your boyfriend. I do not want no boyfriend. Get pregnant and be stuck like Momma. No way, no family no children for me. When I get big and can leave here you and I are gonna get a place together. Listen, little Helen, I just came to say goodbye. I am going to New York with some friends, fellow heathens they have a peace movement I am going to get in involved try to make sense of all. I just wanted to say you will not be seeing me around anymore. I love you remember that. Where you going Sissy? I have got to go. Listen, she turned around before leaving the yard, you listen to Momma always. She is absolutely right and Nana too. But, what they don’t teach is what to do how to make your way back when you have been classified as a heathen. What do you do?
Don’t worry Sissy I will keep praising you I cried, do not give up. And I did when Sissy mailed a Christmas Card, Momma would say don’t want nothing from that heathen, and threw it in the trash can. I picked it out of the trash and told Momma wasn’t it nice that she remembered Jesus birthday and sent a card. Momma was quiet. I was angry and called her an Old Bitty under my breath. I tried to remember what Sissy said to obey Momma and that she was right. But, if the Lord can forgive her why can’t Momma. It doesn’t make sense. And every time Sissy reached out her hand to Momma, Momma would just slap it away.
I just yearn for my sister to be safe here with us, and every time Momma shewed her away, an anger built up in me. That I did not know was even know that I was holding a fit of rage, when one time Sissy remembered my birthday and sent me a birthday gift. I was so Happy. Momma can I open it. Momma said sure, I opened it and it was a ton of barrettes. Some combs, a brush and a beautiful vanity mirror. It was shaped like a giant triangle surrounded by beautiful shiny wood. It was so pretty. Momma snatched the whole thing away and headed outside for the trash. Momma stop it. What are you doing that for? It’s for me. She is a heathen and you know what the Bible says. You will be condoning her behavior. Momma why don’t you forgive her you’re not perfect! I have heard you say a curse word before! What is the difference, God is no respecter of persons. I am your Momma!!! And she is my Sister I yelled so Loud it surprised me. And you are going to get a licking for your Sister, Momma yelled back at me. I don’t care!, I want my gift. Before I knew it I was the floor, but this was a blessing, because one of the barrettes fell on the floor, and I hurriedly grabbed it before Momma could see it. I put it in my Mouth while Momma was wailing on me. God is so good, I do not even remember the spanking.
Every time I went out I would put the barrette in my hair. It was a way to be close to Sissy. While at church I would pray that I would be a somebody someday so that I can help a bunch of people.
Before, I knew it I was married with several children, my husband was a rising minister in the church. I did not care, bunch of old Bittys concerned about my dress too long, too short. They have no idea that there is a war going on right out the front steps of the church. But, I must have on the right dress, guess the drug dealers might give me a compliment.
I was out at the market one morning with my children saw a women sticking something up her shirt. I said hey do not do that, we have food at my church. She said yeah sniffing her nose like you can’t help me. I took her to the register and asked her to put whatever she wants in the cart and that we would pay for it.
She thanked me outside the market. I said that she should visit our church sometime. I will she said sincerely.

And surprisingly, a few months later she finally showed up at our church. I was so excited to see her. I waved at her from the pulpit. I was like a little kid who had seen an old friend from the school yard. It was a wonderful service and I was hoping that the lady was going to stay. I wanted to tell her about all the different ministries available. But, I had gotten held up talking to so many different members. I guess she just tired of waiting, hopefully she will come back again, I said hopefully.
But, she did not and I asked around the church if anyone had gotten that young ladies telephone number address or contact information. But, no one could remember who it was. Sadly, I walked to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. As I was walking back down the hall, I could hear people talking around the bend. I stopped because my heals would have alerted them. Next thing you know the pimp, the crack addicted children and the whole lot of them here at the church. Then we are known as the drug addict church and the like.
Furious I rounded the corner and yelled she’s my Sister!