FicWad

As the darkness rises
Deep in your mind
At first, you welcome it warmly
It seems so kind
It wants to help
You don't realize how much it hurts
How confusing it is
It's scary
It consumes everything.Your whole life.
No one seems to notice. If they did they wouldn't care.
It's not fun. It doesn't help anything.
But now it's too late

By the time you know it's trying to destroy you from the inside out and take everything you care about away from you
It has consumed your mind and soul. It's working on doing the same to your body and the rest of your life.
Wearing you out. Day by day.
It controls everything you do.
The way you walk
They way you talk
What you talk about
Where you go
Who your friends are
What you look like
How you dress
How you see yourself
You aren't you anymore.
Your life is being taken over
You're scared
You're dizzy and confused
You're tired. So fucking tired.
You're in constant pain.
You become hateful and grumpy. You'll snap at the smallest things.

You start to wonder if it's all worth it. It remindsyou how far you've come. Do you want to give it all up? It tells you it is the only thing that will ever matter.

You lose most of your friends. You can't trust the ones that stayed. They make it worse. That's the only reason it let you keep them.
They're better than you. Prettier. Smarter. Happier. The hell your mind has become makes an extra effort to remind you constantly.
They hate you
They only stay around you out of pity.
They wouldn't really care if you disappeared and they never saw you again.

Even your family is sick of you. They never see you. Not because you party or spend time with your friends. That they would be able to handle. You hide in your room all day so you don't mess up or let anyone know. Your room becomes a torture chamber designed especially for you. You're never really alone. Always being watched. You can never relax.
All you want is for it to stop. Even just for a second. To gather your thoughts . To have a small chance to calm the fuck down. To get a slight grasp on reality for a moment. But it never stops. Never. Not even when you sleep. You've started dreaming about it.
It's all you can think about. All you want to think about.
It's the only thing you're still good at.
The darkness thickens. You can't see through to reality anymore.
You don't know what to do. You blindly follow any direction it gives you. It's the only thing that's stuck with you this long. All you can trust.
You're scared. You want help. You want to tell someone. It convinces you no one will believe you or care. Even if they did, what would you say to them?
You're afraid of everyone. What if they agree with it that you deserve it? You deserve all of it. It has you convinced you are weak and a sorry excuse for a human.

You feel yourself sinking. Slowly at first. Like a frog being eased into a pot of boiling water. Before you even know what's going on it has you trapped. You feel lost and sad. You're lonely and depressed all the time. It's almost like you've forgotten how to smile. It hurts to laugh. It hurts to talk. Your head hurt. Everything hurts.
But it's all worth it. You'll feel like a weakling if you stop now. You have no willpower. You suck. If you stop now it'll just get worse. That's what it says anyway.

It's the only thing you can pay attention to anymore.
Everything else becomes fuzzy in your brain.
Nothing helps it.
You hate yourself. Almost as much as you hate it. But you love it. Its helping you. If not for it, you would still be stuck where you were before.

You start to notice a few small changes. Negative and positive.
It's all you've ever wanted.

Mistakes are not an option.
They never have been.

It will progress.
It will get worse.
It gets stronger.
Maybe even stronger than you.
Eventually it becomes your entire life.
It will happen.
Don't worry.
It won't let you down.
It will infect every part of your mind. It will take over. Feed on your fear. Kill you with imperfections and dreams of beauty.
You wouldn't believe what you'd do for it.
You would give your life for it. And one day, you will.