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Bigfoot Valley CIA
0 reviewsStan wants to prove to his naysayer CIA co-workers he is the ultimate wekeend warrior by hunting Bigfoot with his family.
0Unrated
Always wished American Dad would do a Bigfoot plot. Since American Dad never did one, here's a fanfic about it! Hope you all like it.
American Dad!
Fanfic Title:
Bigfoot Valley CIA
by: Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Genevieve Vavance
Scene 1:
One Monday morning at the CIA in Langley Falls, Deputy Director Bullock, agents Jackson, Saunders, and Dick Reynolds were all talking until their voices overlapped, just as Stan Smith walked in.
Stan: So, what's on our agenda today? Did anyone hear about those Isis terrorists?
Bullock: Nope, we're not going to do anything about that today, Smith.
Stan: What are we doing?
Jackson: We're having an assignment called "What Did We Do This Weekend!"
Stan: The hell? Are we in grade school?
Bullock: We should let Stan in about our fun weekend.
Dick: You missed it, Stan! You should've been there!
Jackson: Tell him where we went!
Saunders: We went to Mexico!
Stan: Mexico? And you people didn't let me in on it?
Jackson: We never told you because you don't like partying.
Stan: I do so like to party! I have fun on weekends. Who told you I didn't? My daughter, Hayley?
Bullock: We went to the beach and went boating....
Jackson: We got high on cocaine and heroin and we vandalized houses and neighborhoods.....
Saunders: We climbed mountains.....we even beat up Mariachi bands......and we also had a Fast and the Furious style car race against each other in Baja California! It was so awesome!
Dick: And we saw naked ladies riding on donkeys! Bareback! If you know what we mean....
Stan: I get that....
Bullock: Where were YOU this weekend, Smith?
Stan: You know, I had a fun weekend, too! My family and I went on a picnic. We had to take along Francine's retarded uncle Tao.......
Dick: Have any iPhone videos of it?
Stan: Really funny story. We were having our picnic and uncle Tao disappeared and climbed up a tree. Then Tao started screaming in a stereotypical Chinese accent, "I Want Woman Now! I Want Woman Now! I Want Woman Now!"
Saunders: Tell us more about this (sarcastically) exciting adventure......
Stan: We spent the whole night trying to get Uncle Tao down from the tree. Then Francine got a nurses aid to coax him down and now her uncle Tao is in a assisted living facility! Did I mention her uncle Tao was still peeing in his pants at the age of 40?
The CIA agents laughed at Stan.
Jackson: Oooooh, what fun! (points finger at his temple and imitates gunshot)
Saunders: You do know we don't believe you...Hell, we're all on the Weekend Warrior Hall of Fame, which is a place you'll never be in!
Stan: It's true....
Bullock: Why didn't you take any pictures of it? We took pictures of our Mexico trip.
Then Bullock shows Stan on his iPhone all of the pictures of the CIA agents living it up in Mexico.
Dick: Face it, Smith! You're a stiff! You'll never be a weekend warrior!
Bullock, Jackson, Dick, and Saunders continued to laugh as Stan walks away and sighs despondantely.
Stan: Awwwwww.....
Bullock: Smith is so desperate to prove to us he's a weeekend warrior, he uses Federico Fellini movies as references!
Jackson (laughs): His movies are boring!
Dick: Surprised he didn't say nothing from 8 1/2!
Saunders: I didn't know Stan was Italian!
Jackson: Maybe he's in the Mafia!
Dick: Let's ask him to 'Make us an offer we can't refuse'! (laughing)
Bullock (calling out): By the way, Smith! You're not invited to our next trip to Nepal to climb Mt Everest. Since you're a stiff and all.....
Stan goes to the conference room and sees everyone's pictures on the Weekend Warrior Hall of Fame. Stan sighs despondentely.
Scene 2:
That afternoon, Francine was cleaning house as Stan walked in bawling and crying. Klaus was there, too. At first, Francine thought it was Steve. Stan crashed onto the couch in the livng room and incoherentely sobbed.
Francine: Steve, honey! Did Vince Chung beat you up again......(sees Stan) Oh, it's you.
Klaus: As Barney Rubble once said, "I hate to see a grown man cry."
Stan (sobbing): Do you wifely duties and comfort me.
Francine: Calm yourself and tell me what happened....
Stan (sobbing): I hate those sons of bitches at the CIA.....
Klaus: Is it me or does Stan sound like a cross between Jimmy Swaggart and Jonah Hill when he cries?
Francine: Blow it out your ass, Klaus! Can't you see Stan is going ape(beep) crazy? What happened?
Stan (sobbing): Bullock and the others were bragging about their Mexican vacation...
Francine: Yes, and....
Stan (Sobbing): I told them I had a fun weekend, and they didn't believe me.....
Francine: Awwww, sweetie. What do those CIA agents know?
Stan (sobbing): They know how to have a good time. (sobbing) Why is it everyone gets to have super adventures on the weekend expect me?
Francine: Well, how about you do something very fun this weekend, and you can have something to show for it.
Stan: Where do I begin? Bullock and the gang were right, I don't know how to have fun at all....damn those assholes to hell!
Francine: I can help you with that....
Stan: What's your ideas?
Francine: How about we go on that new reality show The Quest? You know, sneak on the set....
Stan (pouting childishly): I don't want to go on a reality show...(sniffles)
Francine: An archological dig! You can be like Indiana Jones...
Stan: Dumb.....
Francine: We can stay overnight at a haunted house and try to talk to ghosts!
Stan: Do I look like Marlon Wayans to you?
Klaus: Hey, I know!
Stan: Great. I need a fish to tell me how to have a fun weekend?
Klaus: If you're going to be a prick about it, I won't tell you.
Stan: All right! All right! Tell me your suggestion...
Klaus: Was watching this TV Show on Youtube called In Search Of...
Francine: That was a show from the 1970's with Leonard Nimoy.
Klaus: This lunatic was trying to catch Bigfoot. And he used fish as bait.
Francine: Where are you going with this?
Klaus: You can spend this weekend trying to catch Bigfoot, Stan!
Stan: You're right! This IS something I can do! I'll show that Bullock, Jackson, Dick, and Saunders that I CAN be the ultimate weekend warrior! And they will cry and tremble when I show them Bigfoot's severed bloody head!
Francine: That is something we can all do!
Stan: Wait until I get my hands on Bigfoot! Bullock and the guys are going to be so jealous! (laughs evilly) And they will never exclude me from anything ever again! Like that inner circle thing from a while back...
Francine: This is why I'm glad to be a stay at home housewife.
Scene 3:
The following Friday night. Steve was watching TV. Roger came in.
Roger: What the hell is this (beep) you're watching?
Steve: My Little Pony Friendship is Magic! My friends and I joined a Bronies club at our school!
Roger (scoffs): Talk about a cry for help. You really ought to go on Dr. Phil. He can only tell you that liking something for girls to impress them is a sign that you're possibly gay.
Steve: It's not gay! If you must know Snot, Barry, and Toshi and I thought if we joined a Bronies club and liked something girls normally like, we can get some ding-a-long-ding-dong with some upper classgirls! And also girls from our grade, too.
Roger: Liking a girly cartoon isn't going to increase your chances of doing the horizontal mambo, Steve....
Steve: Mark my words, yes it will!
Roger: Well this is MY time on the TV. So we're going to watch something more mature....
Steve looks on as Roger changes the channel to Showtime. The show that is being shown is Penny Dreadful.
Roger: This show is called Penny Dreadful!
Steve: Ick! It's all dark and gloomy! Not colorful at all.
Roger: It takes place in Victorian England. This show is like Dowtown Abbey if Wes Craven and Eli Roth directed it.
Steve: Put back on My Little Pony! Mom will kill me if she knew I was watching horror shows.....
Roger: Too bad for you.
Steve tries to fight with Roger over control of the remote. Steve manages to take the remote and changed the channel back to My Little Pony.
Roger (takes the remote from Steve): You just earned yourself a bitch slapping, boy!
Steve growns in anger when Roger puts back on Penny Dreadful.
Roger: Don't you want to see a buck naked Frankenstein? It shows is dick and testicles!
Steve (take the remote from Roger): No! I want to watch My Little Pony! My friends and I are on Twitter to talk about it.
Roger: Well, I want to see that cutie pie Josh Hartnett! He's one of my many man crushes.....He has such a cute ass!
Steve: I don't want to see actors, I want to socialize with girls...
Roger and Steve fight again over the remote and Roger pushes the button back on Showtime, then punches Steve and takes the batteries out of the remote and Penny Dreadful played on the TV.
Steve (angerly): You son of a whore! Now I can't talk to my friends on Twitter! You ruin everything!
Roger: Looks like you have no choice but to watch Penny Dreadful!
Stan walks into the room
Steve: Dad! Roger's making me watch horror shows....
Stan (turns off TV): Guess what? No TV for anyone this weekend!
Roger: Say whaaaaaa......
Stan: That's right. We're all spending the weekend in the woods haunting for Bigfoot! So pack your bags, we're leaving tommorow!
Roger: Bigfoot, eh? Can I be part of this?
Stan: Of course. I need all the help I can get so I can make those asswipes at the CIA know that Stan Smith will indeed be the poster child for super fun adventurous weekends!
Scene 4:
It was the next morning. Stan, Francine, Steve, Roger, Klaus, and along with Snot, Barry, and Toshi were all getting ready for their Bigfoot hunting adventure. Roger was dressed as Russell from the Disney movie Up.
Stan: Who's ready to kick some Bigfoot ass and stick it to the CIA?
Francine: I'm all set and packed! Where's Hayley? She ought to come with us, too.
Stan: Are you THAT naive, Francine? She'd never go with us. If Hayley found out we were hunting Bigfoot, she would be starting a Facebook campaign to let him live and not be exploited! (sees Roger's disguise) Who are you supposed to be?
Roger: I'm that little boy Russell from the Disney Pixar Movie Up. Since we're going into the woods, thought I'd put on something a little more rustic!
Stan: And that's what you came up with?
Roger (shouting): Don't stifle my creativity!
Klaus: Hayley is back locked in her room.
Stan: All because she misses Jeff and Millionaire Matt Davis. (shakes his fist at Roger): I will never forgive you for killing Matt Davis! You destroyed on what might've been the perfect son in law for me!
Roger (cowering): Thought we moved on from that!
Stan (to Steve): Hey, champ! You all going to help us track down Bigfoot, too?
Snot: Why? So you could try to turn us into your delusional idea of what a 'real man' should be?
Stan: Call me delusional one more time, I'm using Barry as target practice!
Barry (scared): Oh, no! He's really going to kill me! Knew this day would come! Stan has always had it out for me! (hides behind couch)
Toshi (in Japanese): Typical fat dumb idiot. Bumbling and buffoonish! Believes anything anybody tells him!
Steve: Nope! We won't be joining you, Dad! My friends and I are going to have a peaceful, non-violent campout!
Stan: Greaaaat... think Hayley's liberalness is starting to rub off on Steve.
Francine: What are we waiting for! Are we ever going to go?
Roger: Are we going to get a move on or are we just going to sit around and talk? You know how much I hate all talk and no action!
Stan, Francine, Roger, Klaus, Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all gathered into Stan's SUV and set out into the woods.
Scene 5:
Everyone was in the woods. It was the early afternoon. While Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi were camping out somewhere else in the woods, Stan was pitching a tent. There was a campfire, backpacks, guns, and bags of food. Roger and Klaus were outside the tent.
Stan (sighs contently): Camping! The wilderness, fresh air, water, and best of all hunting! What else can a man ask for? Feel like Paul Bunyan! A sexier version of Paul Bunyan!
Francine: You know Stan. A lot of people believe Bigfoot don't exist.
Stan: He DOES exist! He's as real as beer gets! I will finally show my CIA buddies that I am a weekend party animal by shoving my hand up Bigfoot's ass and tearing out his entrails!
Francine (sarcastically): Uh Hmmmm. And then what?
Stan: Then finish him by giving him a fatal head wound off JFK style! Then everyone at the CIA will have to (singing): Gimme Some Lovin' Gimme Gimme Some Lovin'! Gimme Some Lovin'! Gimme Gimme Some Lovin! Everyday! And get my place and picture on the Weekend Warriors Hall of Fame.
Francine: What if you don't get Bigfoot and you become a laughingstock of the CIA all over again?
Roger (walking by with a machete): Won't be a problem for me. I love it people laugh at the expense of others.
Stan: Bigfoot is going down, tonight! He usually comes out at night, though. Did not think this through.....
Francine: What will we do until then?
Stan hears some pounding outside the tent.
Francine: That could be him! (squeals) This is so cool to be part of this!
Stan: Ha! Now to get my moment in the.........(grabs a gun and walks out) Wait, this is too easy, was expecting more of a challange and.....
Then Stan sees Roger and Klaus throw knives at a pieces of plywood. The plywood had an outline of a cowboy drawn on it. Roger and Klaus kept throwing knives at the crotch area of the outline of the cowboy.
Stan: What is this? You guys trying to do a Western porno S&M murder movie?
Roger: We're training ourselves to catch Bigfoot, Stan! We're doing the old Ed Ames approach! I loved it when Johnny Carson told him, "Let's see how Indian you really are"! (laughs)
Klaus: Roger told me he was in the audience that day Johnny Carson had Ed Ames on his show.
Roger: This is where I got my inspiration from to train ourselves to help you on your quest.
Stan (takes knives out of the plywood): No! Catching Bigfoot is going to be MY glory!
Roger: He won't come until nightfall.....
Klaus: What will we do in the meantime?
Stan: Make yourselves useful and stop screwing around! Go out into the woods and look for clues!
Roger: We're going! Sheesh! Is it such a cardinal sin to try to have some fun with this! Maybe the CIA was right about you, maybe you are a stiff! And by stiff I mean that erect patootie between your legs that you jizz from!
Stan (strangles Roger): I am NOT A STIFF!!!!!!
Klaus: Woah! This is like George Bush and Sam Donaldson!
Stan lets go of Roger and he and Klaus go off into the woods.
Francine: Give him some good evidence!
Roger and Klaus were walking through the woods looking for any sign of Bigfoot.
Klaus: What does Bigfoot look like?
Roger: Wait, what? You kidding? You don't know what he looks like? After all those documentaries we saw of him?
Klaus: Does anybody REALLY know what he looks like?
Roger: Let's drop the subject and give Stan a run for his money!
Out of his backpack, Roger takes out some cake mix and mixes it into a bowl.
Klaus: Cake mix? Is this what's going to cut the deal with Bigfoot? Has this been your plan all along? Are you going to catch him before Stan does?
Roger: No. I saw Justin Long do this in that movie "The Sasquatch Gang".
Klaus: Don't know what that is. Was that an Independent movie?
Roger: Shut up and follow my lead! I'm going to prank Stan!
Roger puts the cake batter into the ground and mixes it with grass and mud. Meanwhile, back at the tent, Stan and Francine were having lunch.
Klaus (calling out): We found a clue! We found a clue!
Stan: You did? Excellent!
Roger had a picnic basket with the cake batter inside.
Klaus: Roger just found some Bigfoot droppings!
Francine: Eewwwww, gross! Don't say that while I'm eating.
Stan: Droppings, eh? And to think you had no faith in me that Bigfoot really exists!
Roger: The proof is in the pudding! (hands Stan the basket)
Stan: Yes! I was right. (opens the basket and smells chocolate) Chocolate?!?!
Roger: That's right! A tisket, a tasket, Bigfoot (beep) in a basket! (laughs) Fooled you!
Klaus: It's really cake batter, Stan! And to think you fell for it! (laughs)
Then Stan punches Roger and he goes flying until he lands on a tree brunch.
Stan: Go suck some donkey sperm you drunken promiscuious tranny!
Francine: I think Roger and Klaus were right to prank you. They were trying to show you how silly you're being!
Stan: Oh, yeah! And you're no better than them and my CIA co-workers! Bigfoot's groin will soon be mine! All mine! I will not be mocked or persecuted!
Francine: This is beside the point, but does it really matter what your co-workers think of you?
Stan (whining): But Francine.....I don't want to be left out again....you don't know how mean they can be......
Francine: We'll continue this wild goose chase if it will make you feel better!
Stan: WWWEEEEE!!!!! YIPPIEEE!!!! (skips back and forth childishly)
Scene 6:
In another part of the forrest, Steve and his friends were sitting around their campfire roasting marshmallows.
Steve: This is so wonderful! Hanging around with my fellow geeks. Who needs popularity?
Snot: Ditto for me, Steve. No chaos or confusion, nobody bullying us or trying to turn us into tough guys. Making S'mores with Nestle's crunch bars.....
Barry: We're deviating from the stereotype! (making S'Mores with Steve, Barry, and Toshi)
Toshi (in Japanese): I would prefer we made rice cakes instead.
Steve: Think this calls for a sing-a-long!
Snot: Great idea. We can sing in peace and harmony amoung the woodland animals.
Barry: Let's sing 'Ode To Billy Joe'.
Snot: Yeah, or David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust! Sounds very sci-fi!
Barry: Or what about Strange Magic from ELO? My parents play that when they smoke crack.
Steve: I know a better 1970's song fitting for this situation. (takes out a guitar) Rainbow Connection! You know from The Muppet Movie!
Snot (hands the guitar to Toshi): You know that one, don't you, Toshi?
Toshi: (in Japanese): You all assume I can play any musical instrument just because I am Japanese? And have a Tiger Mom who forces me to practice? Perhaps I should do something that's offensive to whites!
Steve: I wish this peaceful moment never has to end!
Snot: It doesn't have to, hit it, Toshi!
Toshi starts playing Rainbow Connection on the guitar. Steve, Snot, and Barry sing along.
Steve, Barry, and Snot (singing): Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions. But only illusions. And rainbows have nothing to hide!
In the pond of the forrest, Principal Lewis comes swimming out and is out of breath.
Lewis: At last. Civilization! All I need is some shelter!
Principal Lewis continues to run through the woods until he sees Stan's tent.
Lewis: Perfect!
Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus were in the tent. Stan and Francine were playing cards as Roger and Klaus were playing with an iPAD. Prinicpal Lewis comes bursting in!
Lewis: Smith family! Thank God!
Stan: Prinicipal Lewis? You here to mooch off my family again?
Lewis: You need to hide me, please!
Klaus: Prinicipal Lewis is back? To steal the spotlight from us again?
Francine: What's your excuse this time?
Lewis: I'm on the run from the cops!
Roger: Black guy running away from the cops? Puh-leese! That's nothing new.
Lewis: No, you don't understand. I was running away from a riot.
Stan: A riot? Let me guess? A race riot.
Lewis: Correct. Once the police spotted me, they tried to shoot me, and they thought I was participating in the riot. Got in my car, and the cops were chasing me in their cars. I went through two states until I drove back here to Virginia.
Francine: There was a high speed chase? And Shepard Smith wasn't all over that?
Stan: All right, I'll ponder about this. Where exactly was this 'riot' you were running away from?
Lewis: Ferguson Missouri!
There was a license plate on Prinicpal Lewis's pants.
Roger: Hmmm, story checks out.
Francine: You can stay, but we're not enabling you.
Klaus: You can help us catch Bigfoot!
Lewis: Bigfoot, eh? I'm in!
Just then a dark shadowy figure was running through the woods miles away from Stan's campsite.
Scene 7:
Nightfall finally came as Roger and Prinicipal Lewis see a mysterious dark figure walking around miles away from Stan's campsite.
Roger: Think we see him! That's Bigfoot!
Lewis: No, it's not. I think it could be Slenderman!
Stan (running up to the tent): Bigfoot? Where? Where? Where!
As Stan grabs his binocoulers he looks at Bigfoot from a distance.
Francine: Did you finally see him?
Stan (looks though his binocoulers): Yes! It's him! Looks like Bigfoot! Feels like Bigfoot! (sniffs) Smells like Bigfoot! Tastes like Bigfoot!
Roger: Don't just stand there and talk! Shoot him!
Stan (slaps Roger): You don't tell me what to do on my haunting expedition! Sometimes I think you have ODD!
Roger: ODD? Is that some kind of female genital disease?
Stan: Oppositional Defiant Disorder!
Francine: Stop fighting you two! Bigfoot is way far away from here. Think of something to get him!
Klaus: I remember seeing on the Youtube video of that episode of In Search Of, the guy who wanted to catch him used some bait and lit it under a flashlight.
Lewis: That's great! Let's find some kind of lure!
Stan: Yes, we do need some bait!
They all look at Klaus.
Klaus: What are you looking at me for?
Roger: Ehhh, don't think Klaus would be good for bait. We need to think of something bigger!
Stan goes to get his gun and some rope. Then Stan goes to talk to Francine.
Francine: Did you figure out what you want to use as bait?
Stan: We should use Prinicipal Lewis as bait.
Francine: Really? Why?
Stan: Come on, Francine. We need to get rid of him. Aren't you tired of his black ass always butting in on our family and making everything be about him? I swear he's like the black Sofia Vegara!
Francine: But, I thought he was the friend of the family. We can't do this, he's black!
Stan: He's not! He's a pathetic loser moocher! Don't matter what color he is! He was on drugs for God's sake! If we don't act now, he'll take over our family and possibly our whole show! Who knows? If he let him take over our lives, there could be a spin off in the picture!
Francine: You're right, Stan! Let's do this! I'm done enabling him.
Roger: We're going to use Lewis as bait?
Stan (hushes): Quiet Roger! Shut your mouth and don't say anything!
Francine, Roger, and Stan walk up to Prinicipal Lewis.
Lewis: Did you guys find something?
Stan: Yes we have. Come with us! (smiling slyly)
Francine, Roger, and Stan lead Prinicipal Lewis to a tree.
Scene 8:
Prinicipal Lewis was advised to stand next to a tree.
Stan: You'll be fine right here. (calling out) Okay, NOW!
Francine and Roger come out of nowhere and tie up Prinicipal Lewis!
Lewis: What is (beep) is this!
Roger: We're using YOU as bait! Shocking plot twist, eh?
Lewis: This is an outrage! I'm calling my lawyer! I'm calling the NAACP! I'm calling the National Guard, I'm calling ACLU, I'm calling Jesse Jackson! Better yet! I'm calling Al Sharpton! And then I'm calling....
Roger tied up Prinicipal Lewis from his neck down to his ankles. Francine gags Prinicipal Lewis's mouth as Stan gives Roger a gun. Stan gets a flashlight.
Lewis (voice muffled): Mmmmmm! Mmmmm! Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm!
Roger: What's that Prinicipal Lewis? Are you singing that Crash Test Dummies song? Can I join? (singing) Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm! Once there was this kid who.....
Stan: STOP! Am I the only one who's serious about this? This is how it's all going down. Roger, you hold the gun and be on standby. And I'll light the flashlight on Prinicipal Lewis!
Roger: Aye Aye Your Hiney!
Francine: Don't let Bigfoot get away! He's coming!
The myseterious figure believed to be Bigfoot sees Stan, Francine, Roger, and a bound and gagged Prinicipal Lewis.
Roger: Are we racist for this? (holds gun)
Francine: No.
Stan (calling out): Bigfoot! We know it's you! Come on down and get some food! (lights flashlight on Prinicipal Lewis). Get ready to shoot Roger!
Roger was calling out to Bigfoot as Stan lit the flashlight on Prinicipal Lewis repeatedly.
Stan: We have a nice delicious black guy for you to eat!
Roger (calls out): Come and get your lunch! Black guy! Black guy! Black guy! Black guy! Black guy!
The mysterious figure turned out to be Bigfoot who was running towards the campsite and finally arrived on the scene.
Stan: All right! Awesome! Radical dude! Bigfoot is here! We did it! Roger SHOOT HIM!
The mysterious figure walks it's way to Prinicipal Lewis and breathes on him. Roger shoots at Bigfoot but misses, and Bigfoot carries the tree Prinicipal Lewis is tied to and runs away. Prinicipal Lewis's gag falls off and screams on top of his lungs
Roger: Awww, son of a bitch, I missed!
Stan: How could you miss that? We were so close!
Roger: I have horrible aim.
Bigfoot carries Prinicipal Lewis and runs away until he finds a cave.
Stan: Let's chase him!
Francine: I think he went that way!
Roger: (sighs) Must admit. I'm attracted to Bigfoot's brute strength!
Stan: Must be your gay side talking. After him!
And with that, Stan, Francine, and Roger chased Bigfoot into the night. Meanwhile, Klaus is left alone in the tent.
Klaus: Uhhh, hello! Klaus is still here. Don't you forget about me! This whole Bigfoot thing was mein idea!
Scene 9:
In a cave 2 miles away from Steve's campsite. Bigfoot has Prinicipal Lewis trapped inside.
Lewis: You'll never get away with this! I'll escape! You'll go to prison for false imprsionment of a black man!
Bigfoot has the cave enterence blocked.
Lewis: You don't scare me you big fat Eegah wannabe! I was powerful connections! I'm more than just a high school Prinicipal!
Bigfoot roars in Prinicipal Lewis's face.
Lewis: Ohhh, if only someone can save me. Hey, I know. My insurance can save me! (singing) We are Farmers! Ba Da Da Da Da Da Da Da!
Bigfoot gets a big pot of water and lights a fire. Prinicipal Lewis struggled against his constrants.
Lewis: Dammit! Wrong insurance. It usually appears before me. I got another one. (singing) Like a Good Neighbor! State Farm is There! (beep) Nothing! That usually works.
Prinicipal Lewis jumped to the enterance as he was still tied to a tree. Bigfoot won't let him leave as he was blocking his path.
Lewis: What I wouldn't give to be Drew Barrymore in Charlie's Angels by now.
Meanwhile at Steve's campsite. Snot, Steve, Barry, and Toshi were still singing around the campfire. Toshi was playing guitar.
Steve, Snot, and Barry (singing): Well, life's on a farm is kinda laid back, ain't much an old country boy like me can't
hack. It's early to rise, early in the sack thank God I'm a geeky boy!
Then Steve and his friends heard a scream.
Snot: Did you hear that scream?
Steve: I sure did. That sounded like Prinicipal Lewis.
Barry: It was. Know that scream anywhere.
Toshi (in Japanese): Now you're getting smart.
Steve: Come on, let's go save Prinicipal Lewis!
Then Bigfoot comes onto Steve's campsite.
Snot: Say, isn't that Bigfoot! That dude your father is after?
Steve: It sure is. But what can we do? We're just a bunch of geeky wimps.
Barry: We don't know hand to hand combat.
Snot: How can we save Prinicipal Lewis if this guy is blocking our path?
Steve, Snot, Barry and Toshi stood helpless as Bigfoot was standing over them. Stan, Francine, and Roger were following Bigfoot's tracks and they were approaching both the cave and Steve's campsite.
Scene 10:
Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi find themselves facing the wrath of Bigfoot who was standing next to them about to roar.
Snot: I guess this is why people keep telling us geeks to 'man up'!
Steve: This was supposed to be peaceful and non-violent!
Barry: What'll we do?
Toshi takes out a sword.
Snot: My religion is a very vengeful one. We Jews tend to be violent once in a while.
Steve: You know what? Let's not stand around like a bunch of fraidy cats anymore! Let's fight!
Barry: Kick some Bigfoot ass!
Toshi (in Japanese): I'll be the one that does all the fighting!
Steve: We'll do this for Prinicipal Lewis! That dickhead kidnapped him and now we'll fight together to rescue him! Let's GO!!!!
Barry: For Prinicipal Lewis!
Snot: For Lewis!
Snot, Steve, Barry, and Toshi all fought Bigfoot with sticks, rocks, and even punched and kicked him. Toshi did karate until he finished off Bigfoot by decapatating it's head. Then Stan, Francine, and Roger arrived at the boy's campsite.
Francine: Steve! Are you okay, sweetheart?
Steve: We're fine, Mom.
Roger: Looks like those geeks beat you to the punch!
Stan: Steve, why did you.......this was supposed to be.....
Steve: We did it because he abducted Prinicipal Lewis.
Snot: We're sorry!
Stan: Am I supposed to tell the CIA that a bunch of geeks killed Bigfoot when I was going to?
Then they see the decapatated head and body had no blood. It turns out to be a costume.
Stan: Hmmmm, that's odd. Why isn't there blood? There should be blood and organs rushing out like a sea of humanity!
Roger: As Velma from Scooby Doo would say, 'Jinkies'! It's a costume!
Francine: You're onto something there, Roger! I know who it is! It's Krungel!
Stan: What are you talking about?
Francine: If you look at it closely, that costume looks more like a dog than it is Bigfoot!
Roger: Who the (beep) is Krungel?
Francine: He's an evil god from a cult called 'The Flock of The Grey Shepard!' You know from the final season of Wilfred!
Stan: Francine, Krungel and Wilfred were just figments of some mentally ill character's imagination!
Roger: If you had watched the series finale, you would know that.
Francine: I didn't want to see the last episode because I was just too sad to see Wilfred go!
The costume starts to move.
Steve: Oh my gosh look!
Barry: It's being resurrected!
The costume stands up and a black hooded head comes out of it.
Roger: It's Mammee!
Hooded Man in Costume: The blond bimbo infidel is correct! Where is her barqa anyway?
Stan: Who are you?
Hooded Man in Costume: I am a leader of a cult. The cult I am in charge of is for the terrorist group Isis!
Stan: Judas!
Hooded Man in Costume: I dressed up as Bigfoot so people would stay away.
Then the Hooded Man clapped his heads and a bunch of Isis members come to surround everyone.
Francine: AAAHHHHHH!!! I want to faint!
Hooded Man in Costume: I based this cult here in America in this town called Langley Falls, a small hick town where nobody knows anything. We wanted people out of these woods so we can plan terrorist attacks! And now that you all know my little secret, you all shall die! Now, who was the one that wanted to hunt me down?
Roger: Eeeep! Him! (points to Stan)
Hooded Man in Costume: We will kill you and your wife! After them!
Roger: Hey, terrorists! Why don't you go take a shi-ite?! (chuckles) Just thought I'd try out that joke.
The Isis cult members chase Stan and Francine with Roger following. Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot decide to save Prinicipal Lewis. The hear Prinicipal Lewis scream for help.
Lewis: PLEASE! PLEASE!! HELP ME!!
Steve: No need to worry about my Dad. He is good at stuff like outsmarting terrorists, so how about we rescue Prinicipal Lewis from that cave?
Snot: If we do, he could give us special privledges!
Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot found the cave Prinicipal Lewis was being held in. They see him all tied up to a ripped out tree.
Lewis: Thank god the calvary is here! Save me! Save me! (high pitched squeal) SAVE ME!
Snot: What did he say?
Barry: Think he said (imitates Lewis's pleas incoherentely)
Toshi slaps Barry.
Snot: We'll have you out of here, Lewis!
Barry: We're here to save you.
Steve (walking up to Lewis): Calm down! Rest assured you're saved!
Snot, Barry, and Toshi watched as Steve untied Prinicipal Lewis.
Lewis: Your parents used me as bait to catch Bigfoot.
Steve: That's my Dad all right. (to Snot, Barry, Toshi) Why are you guys watching me untie him? You all sickos?
Snot: Say now that we saved you, will you promote us to the next grade?
Barry: Will you? Being a freshman is no picnic.
Prinicipal Lewis was untied now.
Lewis: I'll definately think about it.
Steve and his friends lead Prinicipal Lewis out of the cave.
Lewis (singing The Who's I'm Free): I'M FREE- I'm free, And freedom tastes of reality, I'm free-I'm free... Feel like Harriet Tubman!
Scene 11:
Porno For Pyros Tahitian Moon plays
Stan and Francine were being chased though the woods as the Isis Cult Members were chasing them. The Isis Cult Members also had torches, pitchforks, and swords.
Isis Members: Must kill infidels! (ulvulating) Death to America! We must kill you for Allah!
Stan: Roger! Call for help!
Roger was filming the chase on his iPhone. And was singing to the tune of Huey Lewis's Doing It All For My Baby.
Francine: Call 911!
Roger (singing): Filming this all on my iPhone! Gonna post this to my Facebook!
Stan and Francine stopped as soon as they reached the ending that lead to a cliff.
Francine: This is how it's all going to end for us.
Stan: It doesn't have to. (sees the bottom of the cliff) We'll have to jump.
Francine: Are you insane? We'll get killed!
Stan: Trust me, Francine.
Francine and Stan see the Isis members running and catching up with them.
Stan: Ahhh, good. Keep it coming, terrorists...
Francine: I don't like the looks of this. I can't jump off the cliff!
Stan: We have no choice!
As the Isis Members were still chasing them, they were yards away from the edge of the cliff where Stan and Francine were.
Stan (carries Francine): Hold on tight! We're about to reanact the closing credits to.....
Francine screams as Stan jumps off the cliff while carrying her.
Stan (yelling as he was falling off the cliff): EEEEKKKKK!!!! THE CAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!
As Stan and Francine were falling off the cliff, the Isis members too jumped off the cliff and plummeted to their deaths.
Isis Members: KILL THE AMERICANS! DEATH TO THE INFID....AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Then Stan presses a button on his American Flag pin on his coat and a parachute saves them. They watched as the Isis Members fell and landed to their bloody deaths.
Stan: My calcutions were correct!
Francine: You had a parachute all along?
Stan: We CIA agents always need to carry one with us! Guess you can say this is a Parachuting Pickle! (laughs) Take THAT Tennessee Tuxedo!
Steve and Roger watched, Prinicipal Lewis, Snot, Barry, and Toshi were back at their campsite.
Roger: How dare Stan make fun of one of my favorite cartoons!
Steve: Tennesse Tuxedo?
Roger: No! Eek! The Cat! Tennessee Tuxedo was that penguin who was gay for that dumbass walrus Chumley.
Steve: I getcha!
Stan and Francine were at the bottom of the cliff. They were suurounded by the bloody corpses of the Isis Members. Stan's parachute had a picture of Jay Z and Beyonce on it.
Song Ends.
Francine: Wow! This has been an epic weekend for you, hasn't it?
Stan: The best, Francine! Epic indeed! Got to lead some Mideastern terrorists to their deaths! And I can't wait to see the looks on Jackson's, Bullock, Saunders, and Dick's faces!
Francine (sees the parachute): Jay Z and Beyonce?
Stan: Hip Hop saved my life once again!
Francine: It always has.
Stan: These Mideasterns aren't called suicide bombers for nothing! (laughs)
That following Monday, Stan was bragging to his CIA Coworkers about his adventuresome weekend. This time Saunders, Bullock, Dick, and Jackson were all impressed.
Stan: ...and then Bigfoot turned out to be a leader of a terrorist cult! Isis to be exact.
Bullock: Oooooh, my! What happened then?
Stan: Francine and I were being chased by the Isis cult members and we made them plummet to their deaths as we jumped off the cliff! Luckily I had a parachute. And THAT was what I did this weekend!
Jackson: Wow! Now I'M jealous!
Bullock: Well done, Smith!
Saunders: Guess you are a weekend warrior!
Dick: Damn, wish I could kill some terrorists on a weekend!
Bullock: You know what, Smith? Since you've proven to us you're not a stiff, you can come with us to Nepal to climb Mount Everest!
Stan: YAY!! I get to have a fun weekend with you guys! Oh, and put that on my record. "Not a Stiff"!
Jackson: Consider it done! You earned yourself a place on the Hall of Fame!
Then outside the CIA building, Stan was getting his picture taken. He had a severed bloody head of the Isis Cult Member. Then Stan's picture was on the Hall of Fame for 'Weekend Warriors'.
THE END
Closing Credits Scene
American Dad!
Fanfic Title:
Bigfoot Valley CIA
by: Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Genevieve Vavance
Scene 1:
One Monday morning at the CIA in Langley Falls, Deputy Director Bullock, agents Jackson, Saunders, and Dick Reynolds were all talking until their voices overlapped, just as Stan Smith walked in.
Stan: So, what's on our agenda today? Did anyone hear about those Isis terrorists?
Bullock: Nope, we're not going to do anything about that today, Smith.
Stan: What are we doing?
Jackson: We're having an assignment called "What Did We Do This Weekend!"
Stan: The hell? Are we in grade school?
Bullock: We should let Stan in about our fun weekend.
Dick: You missed it, Stan! You should've been there!
Jackson: Tell him where we went!
Saunders: We went to Mexico!
Stan: Mexico? And you people didn't let me in on it?
Jackson: We never told you because you don't like partying.
Stan: I do so like to party! I have fun on weekends. Who told you I didn't? My daughter, Hayley?
Bullock: We went to the beach and went boating....
Jackson: We got high on cocaine and heroin and we vandalized houses and neighborhoods.....
Saunders: We climbed mountains.....we even beat up Mariachi bands......and we also had a Fast and the Furious style car race against each other in Baja California! It was so awesome!
Dick: And we saw naked ladies riding on donkeys! Bareback! If you know what we mean....
Stan: I get that....
Bullock: Where were YOU this weekend, Smith?
Stan: You know, I had a fun weekend, too! My family and I went on a picnic. We had to take along Francine's retarded uncle Tao.......
Dick: Have any iPhone videos of it?
Stan: Really funny story. We were having our picnic and uncle Tao disappeared and climbed up a tree. Then Tao started screaming in a stereotypical Chinese accent, "I Want Woman Now! I Want Woman Now! I Want Woman Now!"
Saunders: Tell us more about this (sarcastically) exciting adventure......
Stan: We spent the whole night trying to get Uncle Tao down from the tree. Then Francine got a nurses aid to coax him down and now her uncle Tao is in a assisted living facility! Did I mention her uncle Tao was still peeing in his pants at the age of 40?
The CIA agents laughed at Stan.
Jackson: Oooooh, what fun! (points finger at his temple and imitates gunshot)
Saunders: You do know we don't believe you...Hell, we're all on the Weekend Warrior Hall of Fame, which is a place you'll never be in!
Stan: It's true....
Bullock: Why didn't you take any pictures of it? We took pictures of our Mexico trip.
Then Bullock shows Stan on his iPhone all of the pictures of the CIA agents living it up in Mexico.
Dick: Face it, Smith! You're a stiff! You'll never be a weekend warrior!
Bullock, Jackson, Dick, and Saunders continued to laugh as Stan walks away and sighs despondantely.
Stan: Awwwwww.....
Bullock: Smith is so desperate to prove to us he's a weeekend warrior, he uses Federico Fellini movies as references!
Jackson (laughs): His movies are boring!
Dick: Surprised he didn't say nothing from 8 1/2!
Saunders: I didn't know Stan was Italian!
Jackson: Maybe he's in the Mafia!
Dick: Let's ask him to 'Make us an offer we can't refuse'! (laughing)
Bullock (calling out): By the way, Smith! You're not invited to our next trip to Nepal to climb Mt Everest. Since you're a stiff and all.....
Stan goes to the conference room and sees everyone's pictures on the Weekend Warrior Hall of Fame. Stan sighs despondentely.
Scene 2:
That afternoon, Francine was cleaning house as Stan walked in bawling and crying. Klaus was there, too. At first, Francine thought it was Steve. Stan crashed onto the couch in the livng room and incoherentely sobbed.
Francine: Steve, honey! Did Vince Chung beat you up again......(sees Stan) Oh, it's you.
Klaus: As Barney Rubble once said, "I hate to see a grown man cry."
Stan (sobbing): Do you wifely duties and comfort me.
Francine: Calm yourself and tell me what happened....
Stan (sobbing): I hate those sons of bitches at the CIA.....
Klaus: Is it me or does Stan sound like a cross between Jimmy Swaggart and Jonah Hill when he cries?
Francine: Blow it out your ass, Klaus! Can't you see Stan is going ape(beep) crazy? What happened?
Stan (sobbing): Bullock and the others were bragging about their Mexican vacation...
Francine: Yes, and....
Stan (Sobbing): I told them I had a fun weekend, and they didn't believe me.....
Francine: Awwww, sweetie. What do those CIA agents know?
Stan (sobbing): They know how to have a good time. (sobbing) Why is it everyone gets to have super adventures on the weekend expect me?
Francine: Well, how about you do something very fun this weekend, and you can have something to show for it.
Stan: Where do I begin? Bullock and the gang were right, I don't know how to have fun at all....damn those assholes to hell!
Francine: I can help you with that....
Stan: What's your ideas?
Francine: How about we go on that new reality show The Quest? You know, sneak on the set....
Stan (pouting childishly): I don't want to go on a reality show...(sniffles)
Francine: An archological dig! You can be like Indiana Jones...
Stan: Dumb.....
Francine: We can stay overnight at a haunted house and try to talk to ghosts!
Stan: Do I look like Marlon Wayans to you?
Klaus: Hey, I know!
Stan: Great. I need a fish to tell me how to have a fun weekend?
Klaus: If you're going to be a prick about it, I won't tell you.
Stan: All right! All right! Tell me your suggestion...
Klaus: Was watching this TV Show on Youtube called In Search Of...
Francine: That was a show from the 1970's with Leonard Nimoy.
Klaus: This lunatic was trying to catch Bigfoot. And he used fish as bait.
Francine: Where are you going with this?
Klaus: You can spend this weekend trying to catch Bigfoot, Stan!
Stan: You're right! This IS something I can do! I'll show that Bullock, Jackson, Dick, and Saunders that I CAN be the ultimate weekend warrior! And they will cry and tremble when I show them Bigfoot's severed bloody head!
Francine: That is something we can all do!
Stan: Wait until I get my hands on Bigfoot! Bullock and the guys are going to be so jealous! (laughs evilly) And they will never exclude me from anything ever again! Like that inner circle thing from a while back...
Francine: This is why I'm glad to be a stay at home housewife.
Scene 3:
The following Friday night. Steve was watching TV. Roger came in.
Roger: What the hell is this (beep) you're watching?
Steve: My Little Pony Friendship is Magic! My friends and I joined a Bronies club at our school!
Roger (scoffs): Talk about a cry for help. You really ought to go on Dr. Phil. He can only tell you that liking something for girls to impress them is a sign that you're possibly gay.
Steve: It's not gay! If you must know Snot, Barry, and Toshi and I thought if we joined a Bronies club and liked something girls normally like, we can get some ding-a-long-ding-dong with some upper classgirls! And also girls from our grade, too.
Roger: Liking a girly cartoon isn't going to increase your chances of doing the horizontal mambo, Steve....
Steve: Mark my words, yes it will!
Roger: Well this is MY time on the TV. So we're going to watch something more mature....
Steve looks on as Roger changes the channel to Showtime. The show that is being shown is Penny Dreadful.
Roger: This show is called Penny Dreadful!
Steve: Ick! It's all dark and gloomy! Not colorful at all.
Roger: It takes place in Victorian England. This show is like Dowtown Abbey if Wes Craven and Eli Roth directed it.
Steve: Put back on My Little Pony! Mom will kill me if she knew I was watching horror shows.....
Roger: Too bad for you.
Steve tries to fight with Roger over control of the remote. Steve manages to take the remote and changed the channel back to My Little Pony.
Roger (takes the remote from Steve): You just earned yourself a bitch slapping, boy!
Steve growns in anger when Roger puts back on Penny Dreadful.
Roger: Don't you want to see a buck naked Frankenstein? It shows is dick and testicles!
Steve (take the remote from Roger): No! I want to watch My Little Pony! My friends and I are on Twitter to talk about it.
Roger: Well, I want to see that cutie pie Josh Hartnett! He's one of my many man crushes.....He has such a cute ass!
Steve: I don't want to see actors, I want to socialize with girls...
Roger and Steve fight again over the remote and Roger pushes the button back on Showtime, then punches Steve and takes the batteries out of the remote and Penny Dreadful played on the TV.
Steve (angerly): You son of a whore! Now I can't talk to my friends on Twitter! You ruin everything!
Roger: Looks like you have no choice but to watch Penny Dreadful!
Stan walks into the room
Steve: Dad! Roger's making me watch horror shows....
Stan (turns off TV): Guess what? No TV for anyone this weekend!
Roger: Say whaaaaaa......
Stan: That's right. We're all spending the weekend in the woods haunting for Bigfoot! So pack your bags, we're leaving tommorow!
Roger: Bigfoot, eh? Can I be part of this?
Stan: Of course. I need all the help I can get so I can make those asswipes at the CIA know that Stan Smith will indeed be the poster child for super fun adventurous weekends!
Scene 4:
It was the next morning. Stan, Francine, Steve, Roger, Klaus, and along with Snot, Barry, and Toshi were all getting ready for their Bigfoot hunting adventure. Roger was dressed as Russell from the Disney movie Up.
Stan: Who's ready to kick some Bigfoot ass and stick it to the CIA?
Francine: I'm all set and packed! Where's Hayley? She ought to come with us, too.
Stan: Are you THAT naive, Francine? She'd never go with us. If Hayley found out we were hunting Bigfoot, she would be starting a Facebook campaign to let him live and not be exploited! (sees Roger's disguise) Who are you supposed to be?
Roger: I'm that little boy Russell from the Disney Pixar Movie Up. Since we're going into the woods, thought I'd put on something a little more rustic!
Stan: And that's what you came up with?
Roger (shouting): Don't stifle my creativity!
Klaus: Hayley is back locked in her room.
Stan: All because she misses Jeff and Millionaire Matt Davis. (shakes his fist at Roger): I will never forgive you for killing Matt Davis! You destroyed on what might've been the perfect son in law for me!
Roger (cowering): Thought we moved on from that!
Stan (to Steve): Hey, champ! You all going to help us track down Bigfoot, too?
Snot: Why? So you could try to turn us into your delusional idea of what a 'real man' should be?
Stan: Call me delusional one more time, I'm using Barry as target practice!
Barry (scared): Oh, no! He's really going to kill me! Knew this day would come! Stan has always had it out for me! (hides behind couch)
Toshi (in Japanese): Typical fat dumb idiot. Bumbling and buffoonish! Believes anything anybody tells him!
Steve: Nope! We won't be joining you, Dad! My friends and I are going to have a peaceful, non-violent campout!
Stan: Greaaaat... think Hayley's liberalness is starting to rub off on Steve.
Francine: What are we waiting for! Are we ever going to go?
Roger: Are we going to get a move on or are we just going to sit around and talk? You know how much I hate all talk and no action!
Stan, Francine, Roger, Klaus, Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all gathered into Stan's SUV and set out into the woods.
Scene 5:
Everyone was in the woods. It was the early afternoon. While Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi were camping out somewhere else in the woods, Stan was pitching a tent. There was a campfire, backpacks, guns, and bags of food. Roger and Klaus were outside the tent.
Stan (sighs contently): Camping! The wilderness, fresh air, water, and best of all hunting! What else can a man ask for? Feel like Paul Bunyan! A sexier version of Paul Bunyan!
Francine: You know Stan. A lot of people believe Bigfoot don't exist.
Stan: He DOES exist! He's as real as beer gets! I will finally show my CIA buddies that I am a weekend party animal by shoving my hand up Bigfoot's ass and tearing out his entrails!
Francine (sarcastically): Uh Hmmmm. And then what?
Stan: Then finish him by giving him a fatal head wound off JFK style! Then everyone at the CIA will have to (singing): Gimme Some Lovin' Gimme Gimme Some Lovin'! Gimme Some Lovin'! Gimme Gimme Some Lovin! Everyday! And get my place and picture on the Weekend Warriors Hall of Fame.
Francine: What if you don't get Bigfoot and you become a laughingstock of the CIA all over again?
Roger (walking by with a machete): Won't be a problem for me. I love it people laugh at the expense of others.
Stan: Bigfoot is going down, tonight! He usually comes out at night, though. Did not think this through.....
Francine: What will we do until then?
Stan hears some pounding outside the tent.
Francine: That could be him! (squeals) This is so cool to be part of this!
Stan: Ha! Now to get my moment in the.........(grabs a gun and walks out) Wait, this is too easy, was expecting more of a challange and.....
Then Stan sees Roger and Klaus throw knives at a pieces of plywood. The plywood had an outline of a cowboy drawn on it. Roger and Klaus kept throwing knives at the crotch area of the outline of the cowboy.
Stan: What is this? You guys trying to do a Western porno S&M murder movie?
Roger: We're training ourselves to catch Bigfoot, Stan! We're doing the old Ed Ames approach! I loved it when Johnny Carson told him, "Let's see how Indian you really are"! (laughs)
Klaus: Roger told me he was in the audience that day Johnny Carson had Ed Ames on his show.
Roger: This is where I got my inspiration from to train ourselves to help you on your quest.
Stan (takes knives out of the plywood): No! Catching Bigfoot is going to be MY glory!
Roger: He won't come until nightfall.....
Klaus: What will we do in the meantime?
Stan: Make yourselves useful and stop screwing around! Go out into the woods and look for clues!
Roger: We're going! Sheesh! Is it such a cardinal sin to try to have some fun with this! Maybe the CIA was right about you, maybe you are a stiff! And by stiff I mean that erect patootie between your legs that you jizz from!
Stan (strangles Roger): I am NOT A STIFF!!!!!!
Klaus: Woah! This is like George Bush and Sam Donaldson!
Stan lets go of Roger and he and Klaus go off into the woods.
Francine: Give him some good evidence!
Roger and Klaus were walking through the woods looking for any sign of Bigfoot.
Klaus: What does Bigfoot look like?
Roger: Wait, what? You kidding? You don't know what he looks like? After all those documentaries we saw of him?
Klaus: Does anybody REALLY know what he looks like?
Roger: Let's drop the subject and give Stan a run for his money!
Out of his backpack, Roger takes out some cake mix and mixes it into a bowl.
Klaus: Cake mix? Is this what's going to cut the deal with Bigfoot? Has this been your plan all along? Are you going to catch him before Stan does?
Roger: No. I saw Justin Long do this in that movie "The Sasquatch Gang".
Klaus: Don't know what that is. Was that an Independent movie?
Roger: Shut up and follow my lead! I'm going to prank Stan!
Roger puts the cake batter into the ground and mixes it with grass and mud. Meanwhile, back at the tent, Stan and Francine were having lunch.
Klaus (calling out): We found a clue! We found a clue!
Stan: You did? Excellent!
Roger had a picnic basket with the cake batter inside.
Klaus: Roger just found some Bigfoot droppings!
Francine: Eewwwww, gross! Don't say that while I'm eating.
Stan: Droppings, eh? And to think you had no faith in me that Bigfoot really exists!
Roger: The proof is in the pudding! (hands Stan the basket)
Stan: Yes! I was right. (opens the basket and smells chocolate) Chocolate?!?!
Roger: That's right! A tisket, a tasket, Bigfoot (beep) in a basket! (laughs) Fooled you!
Klaus: It's really cake batter, Stan! And to think you fell for it! (laughs)
Then Stan punches Roger and he goes flying until he lands on a tree brunch.
Stan: Go suck some donkey sperm you drunken promiscuious tranny!
Francine: I think Roger and Klaus were right to prank you. They were trying to show you how silly you're being!
Stan: Oh, yeah! And you're no better than them and my CIA co-workers! Bigfoot's groin will soon be mine! All mine! I will not be mocked or persecuted!
Francine: This is beside the point, but does it really matter what your co-workers think of you?
Stan (whining): But Francine.....I don't want to be left out again....you don't know how mean they can be......
Francine: We'll continue this wild goose chase if it will make you feel better!
Stan: WWWEEEEE!!!!! YIPPIEEE!!!! (skips back and forth childishly)
Scene 6:
In another part of the forrest, Steve and his friends were sitting around their campfire roasting marshmallows.
Steve: This is so wonderful! Hanging around with my fellow geeks. Who needs popularity?
Snot: Ditto for me, Steve. No chaos or confusion, nobody bullying us or trying to turn us into tough guys. Making S'mores with Nestle's crunch bars.....
Barry: We're deviating from the stereotype! (making S'Mores with Steve, Barry, and Toshi)
Toshi (in Japanese): I would prefer we made rice cakes instead.
Steve: Think this calls for a sing-a-long!
Snot: Great idea. We can sing in peace and harmony amoung the woodland animals.
Barry: Let's sing 'Ode To Billy Joe'.
Snot: Yeah, or David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust! Sounds very sci-fi!
Barry: Or what about Strange Magic from ELO? My parents play that when they smoke crack.
Steve: I know a better 1970's song fitting for this situation. (takes out a guitar) Rainbow Connection! You know from The Muppet Movie!
Snot (hands the guitar to Toshi): You know that one, don't you, Toshi?
Toshi: (in Japanese): You all assume I can play any musical instrument just because I am Japanese? And have a Tiger Mom who forces me to practice? Perhaps I should do something that's offensive to whites!
Steve: I wish this peaceful moment never has to end!
Snot: It doesn't have to, hit it, Toshi!
Toshi starts playing Rainbow Connection on the guitar. Steve, Snot, and Barry sing along.
Steve, Barry, and Snot (singing): Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions. But only illusions. And rainbows have nothing to hide!
In the pond of the forrest, Principal Lewis comes swimming out and is out of breath.
Lewis: At last. Civilization! All I need is some shelter!
Principal Lewis continues to run through the woods until he sees Stan's tent.
Lewis: Perfect!
Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus were in the tent. Stan and Francine were playing cards as Roger and Klaus were playing with an iPAD. Prinicpal Lewis comes bursting in!
Lewis: Smith family! Thank God!
Stan: Prinicipal Lewis? You here to mooch off my family again?
Lewis: You need to hide me, please!
Klaus: Prinicipal Lewis is back? To steal the spotlight from us again?
Francine: What's your excuse this time?
Lewis: I'm on the run from the cops!
Roger: Black guy running away from the cops? Puh-leese! That's nothing new.
Lewis: No, you don't understand. I was running away from a riot.
Stan: A riot? Let me guess? A race riot.
Lewis: Correct. Once the police spotted me, they tried to shoot me, and they thought I was participating in the riot. Got in my car, and the cops were chasing me in their cars. I went through two states until I drove back here to Virginia.
Francine: There was a high speed chase? And Shepard Smith wasn't all over that?
Stan: All right, I'll ponder about this. Where exactly was this 'riot' you were running away from?
Lewis: Ferguson Missouri!
There was a license plate on Prinicpal Lewis's pants.
Roger: Hmmm, story checks out.
Francine: You can stay, but we're not enabling you.
Klaus: You can help us catch Bigfoot!
Lewis: Bigfoot, eh? I'm in!
Just then a dark shadowy figure was running through the woods miles away from Stan's campsite.
Scene 7:
Nightfall finally came as Roger and Prinicipal Lewis see a mysterious dark figure walking around miles away from Stan's campsite.
Roger: Think we see him! That's Bigfoot!
Lewis: No, it's not. I think it could be Slenderman!
Stan (running up to the tent): Bigfoot? Where? Where? Where!
As Stan grabs his binocoulers he looks at Bigfoot from a distance.
Francine: Did you finally see him?
Stan (looks though his binocoulers): Yes! It's him! Looks like Bigfoot! Feels like Bigfoot! (sniffs) Smells like Bigfoot! Tastes like Bigfoot!
Roger: Don't just stand there and talk! Shoot him!
Stan (slaps Roger): You don't tell me what to do on my haunting expedition! Sometimes I think you have ODD!
Roger: ODD? Is that some kind of female genital disease?
Stan: Oppositional Defiant Disorder!
Francine: Stop fighting you two! Bigfoot is way far away from here. Think of something to get him!
Klaus: I remember seeing on the Youtube video of that episode of In Search Of, the guy who wanted to catch him used some bait and lit it under a flashlight.
Lewis: That's great! Let's find some kind of lure!
Stan: Yes, we do need some bait!
They all look at Klaus.
Klaus: What are you looking at me for?
Roger: Ehhh, don't think Klaus would be good for bait. We need to think of something bigger!
Stan goes to get his gun and some rope. Then Stan goes to talk to Francine.
Francine: Did you figure out what you want to use as bait?
Stan: We should use Prinicipal Lewis as bait.
Francine: Really? Why?
Stan: Come on, Francine. We need to get rid of him. Aren't you tired of his black ass always butting in on our family and making everything be about him? I swear he's like the black Sofia Vegara!
Francine: But, I thought he was the friend of the family. We can't do this, he's black!
Stan: He's not! He's a pathetic loser moocher! Don't matter what color he is! He was on drugs for God's sake! If we don't act now, he'll take over our family and possibly our whole show! Who knows? If he let him take over our lives, there could be a spin off in the picture!
Francine: You're right, Stan! Let's do this! I'm done enabling him.
Roger: We're going to use Lewis as bait?
Stan (hushes): Quiet Roger! Shut your mouth and don't say anything!
Francine, Roger, and Stan walk up to Prinicipal Lewis.
Lewis: Did you guys find something?
Stan: Yes we have. Come with us! (smiling slyly)
Francine, Roger, and Stan lead Prinicipal Lewis to a tree.
Scene 8:
Prinicipal Lewis was advised to stand next to a tree.
Stan: You'll be fine right here. (calling out) Okay, NOW!
Francine and Roger come out of nowhere and tie up Prinicipal Lewis!
Lewis: What is (beep) is this!
Roger: We're using YOU as bait! Shocking plot twist, eh?
Lewis: This is an outrage! I'm calling my lawyer! I'm calling the NAACP! I'm calling the National Guard, I'm calling ACLU, I'm calling Jesse Jackson! Better yet! I'm calling Al Sharpton! And then I'm calling....
Roger tied up Prinicipal Lewis from his neck down to his ankles. Francine gags Prinicipal Lewis's mouth as Stan gives Roger a gun. Stan gets a flashlight.
Lewis (voice muffled): Mmmmmm! Mmmmm! Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm!
Roger: What's that Prinicipal Lewis? Are you singing that Crash Test Dummies song? Can I join? (singing) Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm! Once there was this kid who.....
Stan: STOP! Am I the only one who's serious about this? This is how it's all going down. Roger, you hold the gun and be on standby. And I'll light the flashlight on Prinicipal Lewis!
Roger: Aye Aye Your Hiney!
Francine: Don't let Bigfoot get away! He's coming!
The myseterious figure believed to be Bigfoot sees Stan, Francine, Roger, and a bound and gagged Prinicipal Lewis.
Roger: Are we racist for this? (holds gun)
Francine: No.
Stan (calling out): Bigfoot! We know it's you! Come on down and get some food! (lights flashlight on Prinicipal Lewis). Get ready to shoot Roger!
Roger was calling out to Bigfoot as Stan lit the flashlight on Prinicipal Lewis repeatedly.
Stan: We have a nice delicious black guy for you to eat!
Roger (calls out): Come and get your lunch! Black guy! Black guy! Black guy! Black guy! Black guy!
The mysterious figure turned out to be Bigfoot who was running towards the campsite and finally arrived on the scene.
Stan: All right! Awesome! Radical dude! Bigfoot is here! We did it! Roger SHOOT HIM!
The mysterious figure walks it's way to Prinicipal Lewis and breathes on him. Roger shoots at Bigfoot but misses, and Bigfoot carries the tree Prinicipal Lewis is tied to and runs away. Prinicipal Lewis's gag falls off and screams on top of his lungs
Roger: Awww, son of a bitch, I missed!
Stan: How could you miss that? We were so close!
Roger: I have horrible aim.
Bigfoot carries Prinicipal Lewis and runs away until he finds a cave.
Stan: Let's chase him!
Francine: I think he went that way!
Roger: (sighs) Must admit. I'm attracted to Bigfoot's brute strength!
Stan: Must be your gay side talking. After him!
And with that, Stan, Francine, and Roger chased Bigfoot into the night. Meanwhile, Klaus is left alone in the tent.
Klaus: Uhhh, hello! Klaus is still here. Don't you forget about me! This whole Bigfoot thing was mein idea!
Scene 9:
In a cave 2 miles away from Steve's campsite. Bigfoot has Prinicipal Lewis trapped inside.
Lewis: You'll never get away with this! I'll escape! You'll go to prison for false imprsionment of a black man!
Bigfoot has the cave enterence blocked.
Lewis: You don't scare me you big fat Eegah wannabe! I was powerful connections! I'm more than just a high school Prinicipal!
Bigfoot roars in Prinicipal Lewis's face.
Lewis: Ohhh, if only someone can save me. Hey, I know. My insurance can save me! (singing) We are Farmers! Ba Da Da Da Da Da Da Da!
Bigfoot gets a big pot of water and lights a fire. Prinicipal Lewis struggled against his constrants.
Lewis: Dammit! Wrong insurance. It usually appears before me. I got another one. (singing) Like a Good Neighbor! State Farm is There! (beep) Nothing! That usually works.
Prinicipal Lewis jumped to the enterance as he was still tied to a tree. Bigfoot won't let him leave as he was blocking his path.
Lewis: What I wouldn't give to be Drew Barrymore in Charlie's Angels by now.
Meanwhile at Steve's campsite. Snot, Steve, Barry, and Toshi were still singing around the campfire. Toshi was playing guitar.
Steve, Snot, and Barry (singing): Well, life's on a farm is kinda laid back, ain't much an old country boy like me can't
hack. It's early to rise, early in the sack thank God I'm a geeky boy!
Then Steve and his friends heard a scream.
Snot: Did you hear that scream?
Steve: I sure did. That sounded like Prinicipal Lewis.
Barry: It was. Know that scream anywhere.
Toshi (in Japanese): Now you're getting smart.
Steve: Come on, let's go save Prinicipal Lewis!
Then Bigfoot comes onto Steve's campsite.
Snot: Say, isn't that Bigfoot! That dude your father is after?
Steve: It sure is. But what can we do? We're just a bunch of geeky wimps.
Barry: We don't know hand to hand combat.
Snot: How can we save Prinicipal Lewis if this guy is blocking our path?
Steve, Snot, Barry and Toshi stood helpless as Bigfoot was standing over them. Stan, Francine, and Roger were following Bigfoot's tracks and they were approaching both the cave and Steve's campsite.
Scene 10:
Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi find themselves facing the wrath of Bigfoot who was standing next to them about to roar.
Snot: I guess this is why people keep telling us geeks to 'man up'!
Steve: This was supposed to be peaceful and non-violent!
Barry: What'll we do?
Toshi takes out a sword.
Snot: My religion is a very vengeful one. We Jews tend to be violent once in a while.
Steve: You know what? Let's not stand around like a bunch of fraidy cats anymore! Let's fight!
Barry: Kick some Bigfoot ass!
Toshi (in Japanese): I'll be the one that does all the fighting!
Steve: We'll do this for Prinicipal Lewis! That dickhead kidnapped him and now we'll fight together to rescue him! Let's GO!!!!
Barry: For Prinicipal Lewis!
Snot: For Lewis!
Snot, Steve, Barry, and Toshi all fought Bigfoot with sticks, rocks, and even punched and kicked him. Toshi did karate until he finished off Bigfoot by decapatating it's head. Then Stan, Francine, and Roger arrived at the boy's campsite.
Francine: Steve! Are you okay, sweetheart?
Steve: We're fine, Mom.
Roger: Looks like those geeks beat you to the punch!
Stan: Steve, why did you.......this was supposed to be.....
Steve: We did it because he abducted Prinicipal Lewis.
Snot: We're sorry!
Stan: Am I supposed to tell the CIA that a bunch of geeks killed Bigfoot when I was going to?
Then they see the decapatated head and body had no blood. It turns out to be a costume.
Stan: Hmmmm, that's odd. Why isn't there blood? There should be blood and organs rushing out like a sea of humanity!
Roger: As Velma from Scooby Doo would say, 'Jinkies'! It's a costume!
Francine: You're onto something there, Roger! I know who it is! It's Krungel!
Stan: What are you talking about?
Francine: If you look at it closely, that costume looks more like a dog than it is Bigfoot!
Roger: Who the (beep) is Krungel?
Francine: He's an evil god from a cult called 'The Flock of The Grey Shepard!' You know from the final season of Wilfred!
Stan: Francine, Krungel and Wilfred were just figments of some mentally ill character's imagination!
Roger: If you had watched the series finale, you would know that.
Francine: I didn't want to see the last episode because I was just too sad to see Wilfred go!
The costume starts to move.
Steve: Oh my gosh look!
Barry: It's being resurrected!
The costume stands up and a black hooded head comes out of it.
Roger: It's Mammee!
Hooded Man in Costume: The blond bimbo infidel is correct! Where is her barqa anyway?
Stan: Who are you?
Hooded Man in Costume: I am a leader of a cult. The cult I am in charge of is for the terrorist group Isis!
Stan: Judas!
Hooded Man in Costume: I dressed up as Bigfoot so people would stay away.
Then the Hooded Man clapped his heads and a bunch of Isis members come to surround everyone.
Francine: AAAHHHHHH!!! I want to faint!
Hooded Man in Costume: I based this cult here in America in this town called Langley Falls, a small hick town where nobody knows anything. We wanted people out of these woods so we can plan terrorist attacks! And now that you all know my little secret, you all shall die! Now, who was the one that wanted to hunt me down?
Roger: Eeeep! Him! (points to Stan)
Hooded Man in Costume: We will kill you and your wife! After them!
Roger: Hey, terrorists! Why don't you go take a shi-ite?! (chuckles) Just thought I'd try out that joke.
The Isis cult members chase Stan and Francine with Roger following. Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot decide to save Prinicipal Lewis. The hear Prinicipal Lewis scream for help.
Lewis: PLEASE! PLEASE!! HELP ME!!
Steve: No need to worry about my Dad. He is good at stuff like outsmarting terrorists, so how about we rescue Prinicipal Lewis from that cave?
Snot: If we do, he could give us special privledges!
Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot found the cave Prinicipal Lewis was being held in. They see him all tied up to a ripped out tree.
Lewis: Thank god the calvary is here! Save me! Save me! (high pitched squeal) SAVE ME!
Snot: What did he say?
Barry: Think he said (imitates Lewis's pleas incoherentely)
Toshi slaps Barry.
Snot: We'll have you out of here, Lewis!
Barry: We're here to save you.
Steve (walking up to Lewis): Calm down! Rest assured you're saved!
Snot, Barry, and Toshi watched as Steve untied Prinicipal Lewis.
Lewis: Your parents used me as bait to catch Bigfoot.
Steve: That's my Dad all right. (to Snot, Barry, Toshi) Why are you guys watching me untie him? You all sickos?
Snot: Say now that we saved you, will you promote us to the next grade?
Barry: Will you? Being a freshman is no picnic.
Prinicipal Lewis was untied now.
Lewis: I'll definately think about it.
Steve and his friends lead Prinicipal Lewis out of the cave.
Lewis (singing The Who's I'm Free): I'M FREE- I'm free, And freedom tastes of reality, I'm free-I'm free... Feel like Harriet Tubman!
Scene 11:
Porno For Pyros Tahitian Moon plays
Stan and Francine were being chased though the woods as the Isis Cult Members were chasing them. The Isis Cult Members also had torches, pitchforks, and swords.
Isis Members: Must kill infidels! (ulvulating) Death to America! We must kill you for Allah!
Stan: Roger! Call for help!
Roger was filming the chase on his iPhone. And was singing to the tune of Huey Lewis's Doing It All For My Baby.
Francine: Call 911!
Roger (singing): Filming this all on my iPhone! Gonna post this to my Facebook!
Stan and Francine stopped as soon as they reached the ending that lead to a cliff.
Francine: This is how it's all going to end for us.
Stan: It doesn't have to. (sees the bottom of the cliff) We'll have to jump.
Francine: Are you insane? We'll get killed!
Stan: Trust me, Francine.
Francine and Stan see the Isis members running and catching up with them.
Stan: Ahhh, good. Keep it coming, terrorists...
Francine: I don't like the looks of this. I can't jump off the cliff!
Stan: We have no choice!
As the Isis Members were still chasing them, they were yards away from the edge of the cliff where Stan and Francine were.
Stan (carries Francine): Hold on tight! We're about to reanact the closing credits to.....
Francine screams as Stan jumps off the cliff while carrying her.
Stan (yelling as he was falling off the cliff): EEEEKKKKK!!!! THE CAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!
As Stan and Francine were falling off the cliff, the Isis members too jumped off the cliff and plummeted to their deaths.
Isis Members: KILL THE AMERICANS! DEATH TO THE INFID....AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Then Stan presses a button on his American Flag pin on his coat and a parachute saves them. They watched as the Isis Members fell and landed to their bloody deaths.
Stan: My calcutions were correct!
Francine: You had a parachute all along?
Stan: We CIA agents always need to carry one with us! Guess you can say this is a Parachuting Pickle! (laughs) Take THAT Tennessee Tuxedo!
Steve and Roger watched, Prinicipal Lewis, Snot, Barry, and Toshi were back at their campsite.
Roger: How dare Stan make fun of one of my favorite cartoons!
Steve: Tennesse Tuxedo?
Roger: No! Eek! The Cat! Tennessee Tuxedo was that penguin who was gay for that dumbass walrus Chumley.
Steve: I getcha!
Stan and Francine were at the bottom of the cliff. They were suurounded by the bloody corpses of the Isis Members. Stan's parachute had a picture of Jay Z and Beyonce on it.
Song Ends.
Francine: Wow! This has been an epic weekend for you, hasn't it?
Stan: The best, Francine! Epic indeed! Got to lead some Mideastern terrorists to their deaths! And I can't wait to see the looks on Jackson's, Bullock, Saunders, and Dick's faces!
Francine (sees the parachute): Jay Z and Beyonce?
Stan: Hip Hop saved my life once again!
Francine: It always has.
Stan: These Mideasterns aren't called suicide bombers for nothing! (laughs)
That following Monday, Stan was bragging to his CIA Coworkers about his adventuresome weekend. This time Saunders, Bullock, Dick, and Jackson were all impressed.
Stan: ...and then Bigfoot turned out to be a leader of a terrorist cult! Isis to be exact.
Bullock: Oooooh, my! What happened then?
Stan: Francine and I were being chased by the Isis cult members and we made them plummet to their deaths as we jumped off the cliff! Luckily I had a parachute. And THAT was what I did this weekend!
Jackson: Wow! Now I'M jealous!
Bullock: Well done, Smith!
Saunders: Guess you are a weekend warrior!
Dick: Damn, wish I could kill some terrorists on a weekend!
Bullock: You know what, Smith? Since you've proven to us you're not a stiff, you can come with us to Nepal to climb Mount Everest!
Stan: YAY!! I get to have a fun weekend with you guys! Oh, and put that on my record. "Not a Stiff"!
Jackson: Consider it done! You earned yourself a place on the Hall of Fame!
Then outside the CIA building, Stan was getting his picture taken. He had a severed bloody head of the Isis Cult Member. Then Stan's picture was on the Hall of Fame for 'Weekend Warriors'.
THE END
Closing Credits Scene
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