Categories > Original > Humor
Photographers R Us
By Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: The Innkeeper from Turkey Bacon
It was late in the day in Langley Falls. But not all is well for Stan at the Smith House. Stan is bored with the CIA, and feels he has no more excitement in his life. Stan now just sits in the living room and channel surfs. Stan is watching Investigative Discovery.
Stan: This will hold my attention. Always enjoyed this criminal justice shows. Even though Oprah is responsible for channels like this....
TV: Up next on Homicide Hunters with Sgt. Joe Kenda....
Stan: Hmmmmm. Joe Kenda usually attracts my attention. Like his style..... (in a mocking child's voice): When I gwow up, I wanna be a homicide detective just like Joe Kenda. (Back in normal voice) (beep) Can't even make myself laugh, anymore.
Joe Kenda: We have a black widow killer here who poisoned her cop husband who was one day away from retirement. All because she was thinking he was keeping her from going to Boca Raton....
Stan (sadly changes the channel): Mehhhh, guess I'm not in the mood......(sigh) Even THAT don't excite me anymore.
As Stan continues to channel surf, he sees the same shows and movies over and over again. Even commercials Francine walks into the living room.
TV: Introducing, Empire Floors.....
Stan: Damn! (changes channel)
Then a Rosland Capital commercial with William Devaine
TV: Hi, I'm William Devaine....
Stan: Grrrr! Should've stayed dead in 24! (changes channel)
The TV turns to Comedy Central.
TV: Tonight on Comedy Central, we got Broad City! And then Drunk History. After that, 24 hours of Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore shown back to back!
Francine: Dinner's ready!
Stan: What's the use? This must be how teenage slackers feel like.
Francine: For the past week or so, you've been plopping yourself on the couch and did nothing but channel surfed.
Stan: You could be right. So bored with the CIA. It doesn't turn me on like it used to. Even the missions have gone sour.
Francine: Why don't you start by going somewhere else when you come home? Like your study. Or help me in the kitchen!
Stan: What Goes Up, Must Come Down, as Blood Sweat and Tears once said. Like my career at the CIA. And worst yet, your idea of my helping you in the kitchen! Look at this, Francine. Even television doesn't offer an escape. CMT is showing movies from the 1980's and 1990's. Since when does Ghostbusters, Twister, Speed, and Rocky belong on a country music channel? I've passed Cartoon Network so many times and all I see is The Amazing World of Gumball or Teen Titans.....
Francine: Thought Adventure Time was their most popular show? Come to think of it. TV is losing viewers to the internet......
Stan: I love the CIA, but I feel like I've hit a slump.
Francine: Maybe you can read the bible again.
Stan: Want to be like Stella and get my Groove back! If only there was some way......
Francine and Stan then hear Roger pull up in the driveway. Roger's car sounds like it's rattling.
After turning off his car, Roger runs out of his car and calls out. Steve, Klaus and Hayley enter the living room as they hear Roger.
Roger: AUNT CLAM!!!! AUNT CLAM!!!!
Steve: It's Roger! There's always excitement whereever he's concerned!
Hayley: Yes, Dad. Maybe he's your ticket to get some fun back in your life.
Stan: Still feeling like my best years are behind me....
Francine: Who the (beep) is Aunt Clam?
Steve: He's been watching Las Vegas Hillbillies.
Stan: That steaming pile of shit of a movie with Ferlin Husky?
Steve: That's the one.
Hayley: Wonder what he's up to this time.
Roger: Got some fantastic news!
Both Klaus and Stan team up to insult Roger.
Stan: You married Charlie Manson!
Klaus: You have a malignant brain tumor and you have six months to live?
Stan: You got raped by Bill Cosby!
Klaus: You have rectal cancer!
Stan: Seriously, Klaus? Is cancer funny to you, sicko?
Roger (scoffs): You wish there, Klaus you dick! First (looking morbid) some bad news.....
Francine: What's the bad news?
Roger (sobbing): Uncle Woodrow died!
After 40 seconds of grief, Roger's sobbing turns into happiness.
Hayley: Is this for real?
Roger: Then I inherited a million dollars from his estate and now I'm going to Vegas and going to bang and (beep) Jayne Mansfield.
Hayley: Cut to the chase and tell us what it really is.
Roger: Fine! You guys never fell for my hilarious B-Movie references.
Getting out a backpack, Roger takes out a camera.
Steve: That camera looks old fashioned, why not just get an iPHONE?
Roger: I am the new tabloid photographer for the Weekly Standard!
Stan (gasps in excitement): Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! That's like my favorite magazine EVER! (jumping up and down) Can I join? Can I join? Can I join?
Roger hands Stan a second camera.
Francine: All right, Stan! Think you found an emotional outlet!
Stan: Emotional outlet? Nah! Think I found some excitement! This is exactly what I need to get back on track and on the road again! No more Cartoon Network reruns!
Roger: Cartoon Network? (laughs) Boy you really off your rocker! What do you say we start some political scandals? Against Democrats!
Stan: Sounds like a competition to me! You're ON!
Roger and Stan run off and get into Roger's car. Then they go to take pictures for the Weekly Standard.
Francine (sighs): Was hoping he'd stick around for a while. It's only the second act and Stan found some kind of quest to find himself already.
Hayley: It is like him to jump at the chance. To go off to further the Conservative Republican Agenda!
Klaus: The libreal bitch is back! Guess Stan's not the only one who.....
Hayley: Go to hell, Klaus!
Stan and Roger were at the Weekly Standard building. Stan and Roger were in their Editor's office awaiting for their first assigment.
Roger: Want to know what would be fun? How about we use fake names? How about you be Mortimer James?
Stan: Going to expose yourself to the world, want to relive that? Put me through that shit, again! Don't think so! We're going to be our usual normal selves! Want to make a good impression on these people who write for my favorite magazine!
Roger: I know! Let's use TV show character names like Jim Carrey in Cable Guy! I'll be Chip Douglas!
Stan: We'll do nothing of the kind! We need a make a good impression for the Republican party!
Roger (disgustedly): All right! Moving on! Wonder who our boss is going to be?
Stan: Someone patriotic we can hope!
The editor of the Weekly Standard is a Japanese Guy.
Roger: Better put on the subtitles.
Stan looks at Roger as he presses a button and get subtitles and the Editor spoke to them in Japanese from far away.
Editor: (speaking Japanese)
Stan (looks at his boss): That's who our boss is? A Japanese guy?
Roger: Maybe he loves America!
The Editor was still far away slowly apporaching his desk, and Stan mocks him behind his back.
Stan: Damn! Those orientals are taking over the country! What is he going to do? He'll probably be like this.. (in mocking oriental accent) I want to buy Weekry Standard and whorle Repubrican Poll-Tee!
Roger: Here he comes, this is going to be so funny! (snickers)
Editor: (speaking Japanese and sits down at this desk)
Roger: Is this going to be like Goldmember? If it is, what a bad time to forget my Foxy Cleopatra outfit.
The subtitles say, "Welcome to the Weekly Standard, Yes."
Stan and Roger both bow to him.
Roger: Pleased to meet you, chopsticks! My name is Jack Meoff!
Stan (embarrased sigh): My name is Stan Smith. I'm a CIA agent, and a HUGE fan of your magazine!
Editor: (speaking Japanese)
The subtitles say, "What brings you here to work for us".
Stan: Hit a wall in my life and want some excitement.
Editor: (speaking Japanese and offers Stan and Roger food)
The subtitles say, "Please have some dung....." But the rest of the words were blocked.
Roger: That's not what he's saying, he's saying, (unblocked the words) 'please have some dungeness crab'.
Stan: Awww, ha ha ha ha ha ha! That scared me for a minute!
Editor: (speaking Japanese)
The subtitles say, "Your assignment is a happy one. You will both sneak into....."
The letters were blocked and it looked like it said, "Your Ass Is A Happy One". Stan screamed in fear.
Roger: I'm on this! (unblocks the letters): It says, :Your assignment is a happy one"
Then the Editor decides to speak English.
Editor: Know what? Why don't I just speak English!
Stan: You're in America. You ought to! You've seen those bumper stickers that suggest that!
Editor: You will both sneak into the Red Roof in. Barney Frank is there sleeping with a prostitute! You will both go into the hotel room, and get a picture of it for our magazine!
Roger: We get to degrade Barney Frank!
Stan: He's a democrat! How cool is this job! Putting wimpy whiny ass PC librals in their place! If we do this right, nobody will want to vote democrat in 2016!
Editor: If you succeed, we'll have you take pictures of Dick Morris next!
Stan: You got your man, Domo Arigoto!
Editor: That's offensive to our people! Not all Japanese say that! Damn that band Styx! They disgrace Japan! Here's a fair warning....If you fail....
Roger: Don't worry, we'll bet your $100 we'll torch his ass very bad!
Roger and Stan were about to walk out of the room. Then Stan says something in Japanese to the editor.
Stan: By the way, (speaking Japanese)
The subtitles Stan was saying said, "In America we have really huge rods......I wish!" Then Stan and Roger set out of their first tabloid article.
At the scene of the Red Roof In. Barney Frank is in a hotel room with a black prostitute named Desiree. Stan and Roger are outside waiting to make their movie. Stan and Roger watched with binoculours.
Stan: Hmmm. Barney Frank with a prostitute? Democrats have sex drives that just won't quit.
Roger: They have Bill Clinton to thank for that!
Stan: She's a black one too!
Roger: Democrats sure love their minorities! So much so they'd (beep) one. They all go batshit crazy on the news when one gets shot by a cop.
Stan: Quiet Roger! Want to make myself look good for the Weekly Standard and set a good example for the GOP! We must catch this filthy peace monger in the act!
Barney Frank (cracking up): Aww, Desiree! You are a blast, girl! Can you believe we ran away from the Pentagon so we can party?
Desiree: Sho' glad I talked you into that!
Stan: He's with a prostitute named Desiree?
Roger: My gosh! She went down bad these past 20 years!
Stan: What are you talking about? You knew her? The prostitute?
Roger: Well, yeah. More like the R&B singer from 1994. I was her manager. . She sang that stupid, "You Gotta Be Fast, You Gotta Be Tough You Gotta be Stronger!"
Stan: Uh, hated that awful song. You're thinking of Des'ree!
Roger: Ohh, THAT'S it. (laughs) Keep getting that name mixed up.
Stan: Too bad nobody sang that song to Kurt Cobain back then!
Roger: No shit there! Let's watch what's going on.
Barney Frank: Let's turn on the TV!
Desiree: Hope there's a porno on!
The TV turns on and it was the Disney Channel showing Sofia The First.
Stan (laughing): This'll really give him a bad rep. He's watching Sofia the First! Damn, what are they trying to do to little girls these days with this princess shit?
Roger: Ha! You sounded like Hayley just now!
Stan: Oh, CRAP! (slaps himself in the face) Must concentrate!
Desiree: Let's forget TV!
Barney Frank: Agreed! Who needs porn when you can do the real thing!
Desiree: That's what I'm talkin' about!
Barney Frank (imitates train conduction): All aboard! Next stop! Vibrating bed!
Desiree (laughing): I love it when you imitate a conductor! Do a real train!
Barney Frank: All right! Choo! Choo! Choo! Choo!
Desiree (joins in) Choo Choo Choo Choo Choo!
Then Desiree sets up some cocaine on the night stand.
Roger: We'll break in when they least suspect it. Like Cedric the Entertainer in Intolerable Cruelty. On my count.....one....two.....
Stan: What are they doing? A Marion Barry thing in there?
Barney Frank: What are you doing there?
Desiree: Let's do some cocaine!
Barney Frank: Uhhh, no. I don't think so....
Desiree: What's tha mattah? Chicken????
Barney Frank than snorts the cocaine, and Stan and Roger break in with a camcorder and a camera.
Desiree and Barney Frank: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Roger (running around with a camera): Gonna nail yo' ass! Gonna nail yo' ass! Gonna nail yo' ass! Gonna nail yo' ass!
Stan: Miami Vice! Freeze! Oops! Wrong concept out of context! (points to Barney Frank) Gotcha loser democrat! I'm going to do character assassination on you!
Barney Frank: Who are you?
Stan: We're from the Weekly Standard! (flapping his arms and talks in a high pitched voice) Greatest magazine in the world!
Roger: We nailed your ass, good! We're going to put an article in our magazine about this!
Stan: Your fellow Americans are going to laugh at you! Right now, you brought great shame and scandal to your own party!
Roger and Stan run around and take pictures of Barney Frank and Desiree in the hotel room
Stan and Roger were back at the Weekly Standard building. They were watching a home video DVD of themselves breaking into the hotel room to terrorize Barney Frank and Desiree. The chairman in chief was there to lambaste them.
Chairman (talking gibberish): This isn't how we do thing at the Weekly Standard.
Stan: We did everything to the exact point.
Chairman (talking gibberish): You were not supposed to break in and take pictures like that.
Roger: Sheesh, he talks like Crazy Dave from Plants vs Zombies.
Chairman (talking gibberish): What kind of conservative magazine do you take us for?
Stan (begging): I need this! I'm at a crossroads in my life. And I'm not talking Bones Thugs and Harmony.
Chairman (talking gibberish): We are a political magazine. Not a Hollywood one. Perhaps you can go work for OK! Magazine! They accept that stuff you did there!
Roger: Just let me say this......it's all his fault! He put me up to it!
Stan (raising his hand to Roger): Put the blame on me!
Chairman (talking gibberish): The blame is on both of you. You are both fired from our magazine. You both are going to be banished!
Roger: Oh, guess we got off easy that doesn't sound so........(jumps into the air and his eyeballs pop out)..........BANISHED?!?!?!?!
Stan: To where? Not Saudi Arabia. Because I've been there, done that.
Chairman (talking gibberish): Bulgaria!
Stan: Bulgaria? What if we don't want to go?
Chairman (talking gibberish): Have to go anyway!
Then two security guards drag Stan and Roger off the premises and both are forced into a jet headed to Bulgaria.
Song: The Orwells The Righteous One plays.
The jet plane lands in Bulgaria. Stan and Roger walk around.
Stan: Why were we banned to here I wonder?
Roger: Your guess is as good as mine.
Stan: If it weren't for your Intolerable Cruelity technique we'd still at the Weekly Standard. Embarrassing Democrats being in silly sitautions.
They are stopped by a tour guide. The song ends.
Tour Guide: Hello, outsiders. Welcome to our country. It's a democracy only we have two strict laws.
Stan: You can count on me for that one! I am AWESOME at following laws.
Tour Guides: You cannot take pictures, and you cannot tell jokes about African American celebrities!
Stan: You won't have to worry about law breakers with us. I'm a man of the law myself!
Tour Guide: Good. Please let us take you on a tour.
The Tour Guide takes Stan and Roger around the city on a bus. Roger starts to take pictures around the city. Then Roger takes a pictures of an interracial couple!
Roger: Interracial couple at 4:00!!!! (clicks camera 100 times)
Stan: Roger! What the (beep)! Didn't you hear what he said?
Roger: Want these pictures for my Facebook as proof Ive seen an interacial couple in a different country!
Tour Guide: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! You both broke our law! Call the Police! (blows whistle)
When the whistle is blown a bunch of soliders surround Stan and Roger.
Soliders: HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP!
Stan: Dammit Roger! First the Weekly Standard, now THIS?
Roger: Take it easy Stan maybe they'll go easy on us. Thought it was a joke.
Solider: Our laws and country are not a joke. What did these degenerates do?
Tour Guide: They took pictures of our city! And a interacial couple!
Roger: Just wanted to put them on Facebook and show off to my friends!
Solider: Shut up! For taking pictures in Bulgaria! You are both arrested! Now fall in!
Roger cries as he and Stan are being lead away by the soliders. Later on, Stan and Roger were at a Courthouse and they were both found guilty and sentence to be shot.
Judge: The Bulgarian court here finds you both guilty and you are both sentenced to by shot at sunrise!
The baliffs take Stan and Roger to jail.
Stan: You can't do this to me! You cant do this to me! I'm CIA! I'm CIA I'm CIA!
As time went on, Stan and Roger being arrested in Bulgaria makes International Headlines. FOX News, CNN, Headline News, and CNBC were all doing the report of Stan Smith. Everyone from Shepard Smith, Nancy Grace, and Don Imus were doing news reports.
Italian Newsanchor: (speaking Italian) Stan Smith (speaking Italian)
French Newsanchor: (speaking French) Stan Smith (speaking French)
German Newsanchor: (speaking German) Stan Smith (speaking German)
Hasidic Jewish Newsanchor: (speaking Hebrew) Stan Smith (speaking Hebrew)
Arabian Newsanchor: (speaking Arabic) American Infidel Stan Smith (speaking Arabic)
All the news in all seven continents all talk about Stan Smith. An African News Anchor tells the news of Stan Smith arrested in Bulgaria by drums. Even Inside Edition talks about it.
Deborah Norville: Tonight, American CIA Agent Stan Smith and his friend are both arrested in Bulgaria for taking pictures. We have the story tonight on Stan Smith Digest!
Back in Langley Falls, Francine, Hayley, Klaus and Steve were watching the whole thing on TV.
Francine: OH NO! What'll we do?!!?!?!?
Hayley, Steve, and Klaus laugh at Stan being arrested on international news.
Francine: KIDS! STOP THAT! This isn't funny!
In a cell, Stan and Roger were in the cell of a Bulgarian prison. Stan was depressed and hopeless. They were awaiting their execution.
Roger: When do the rapings and sodomizing begin?
Stan: All I wanted to do was get my CIA groove back. Now looks at us. Locked up in a forgein prison. To be shot at sunrise! This is like the 1980's Soviet Union all over again when Sergei had me arrested.
Roger: Boy, you sure are depressing when you are incarcerated! Remind me never to take you to San Quentin or Tent City!
Stan: (beep) off Roger! The only mistake I made was coming along on your expeditions!
Roger: Yeah, sure! Pin it on me! Nothing is ever your fault, is it? You were the one who wanted to come work for me for the Weekly Standard, could've tried to find another way to get your spark back. Maybe dance the night fanastic with Francine! If anything, YOU (pointing at Stan) brought this amoungst yourself! If you're so depressed, why don't you take some prozac, dickhead!
Stan: No! YOU are responsible for this mess! The only reason why we're here, is because of YOU!!!!!
Roger: Know what? You're a terrible cellmate! I'll go find someone else to be my bitch!
Stan: Oh, really? And where are you going to go? You have no one else, know nobody else, and nothing else!
Roger: Bo Burgudal had more guts then you! Guard!
A guard comes to Roger's aid.
Roger: Take me away from this desponant shithead!
A guard gladly takes Roger out of Stan's cell and moves him in with other cellmates.
Roger: Ha! Pretty soon, these cellmates will be my friends! Go get shot at sunrise by yourself!
Stan (calling out to Roger): Luck to you with that! Hope you get a shiv up your (beep). (To himself) Good, they ought to shoot him in the balls at sunrise.
Hours later as Stan and Roger were still awaiting their execution, Roger was telling jokes to the cellmates. Stan, surprised was listening.
Roger: This old boy got busted, you dig......
Cellmate #1: Yes go on!
Cellmate #2: I can see where this is going!
Roger: And he gets tossed into Sing Sing! First night he's there, his cellmate walks over to the bars and yells out, 'Number 9'!
Cellmate #3: (chuckling) Ooooh! I can tell this is going to be awesome!!
Roger: The whole prison breaks out laughing. The old boy down in the hall yells out, 'Number 12'! The whole place breaks out again, ya see!
Cellmate #4: What happens then?
Cellmate #5 (hits Cellmate #4): Shut up and let him tell!
Roger: This new boy turns to his cellmate and asks, 'what is with these numbers?' The old con says, 'that's the way we tell jokes around here'. Everyone here knows all the jokes, so we just give them a number.
Cellmate: #1: Are they dirty jokes?
Roger: Can image they are. But anyway, back to the joke. The cellmates tell the new guy , 'When we feel like telling a joke, we just yell out a number!' Now later on that night, this new boy, decides he's going to tell himself a joke you see....
Stan: GRRRRR!!!!!! Him and his 1960's biker films! Hated Sidehackers!
Roger: So he walks up to the bars, and he yells out, 'Number 8'! (breaks out laughing) And there is not a peep out of the whole cellblock!
The cellmates laugh along with Roger. Stan is disgusted.
Roger: He turns to the old con and says, "how come nobody laughs, man?" (laughs) So the old con looks at him and says, "that's not one of the numbers, shitass!" (laughs prolongingly) The old con goes onto say 'let's face it boy!' (cracks up) 'let's face it boy! There's some people who can tell a joke, and there's some people who can't!
The cellmates explode in laughter over Roger's joke.
Cellmate #1: Did you ever hear the one about the gay guy and the dog?
Roger: The gay guy and the dog? You're putting me on. Explain it to me.
Cellmate #2: I know it, A homosexual comes into a bar with his dog.....
Roger: Is that the one about the dog humps the bartender into the floor and says, " I'm having sex, doggy style?"
Cellmate #3: Yes that's the one! Very popular here in Bulgarian prison!
Roger: Yes, I have heard it! (screaming cheerfully) THAT WAS NUMBER 5!!!!!! (explodes in laughter along with the other cellmates)
As he is listening to Roger tell jokes. Stan sits in his prison cell and sighs in repugance.
Stan: I'm going to make you pay for this, Roger!
It is sunrise in Bulgaria. Stan and Roger are out of their cells and being lead to by the guards to the firing squad.
Guard: We're taking you to the firing squad!
Stan: We know!
The cellmates wave goodbye to Roger.
Cellmates: Goodbye Roger! We'll miss you and your prison number jokes!
Roger: We'll always have this time together, as Thelma and Louise once said! Don't forget, (yells) NUMBER #5! (laughs)
Cellmates: We'll carry on your legacy! Number 5! Goodbye! Maybe you can make people laugh in heaven!
Roger: See Stan! I have an ability to make friends!
Stan (cyncially): Whatever! Heaven. You. Yeah right!
Minutes go by. Stan and Roger were now in the execution field outside of the prison. A general of the Bulgarian army confront them.
General: Do you know why you're here?
Stan: We got banished here because we didn't do a political scandal right for a magazine right. We had to take a picture of a democrat doing a sexual act..... (grabs Roger): He's the reason why we're here.
Roger: Just wanted a picture of an interracial couple in a different country to put on my Facebook!
General: We're okay with social media, as long as your write about it and not take pictures. Now, do any of you have any last confessions or requests?
The firing squad and General were making preparations to shoot Stan and Roger.
General: This will teach you (beep)s to take pictures in Bulgaria!
Roger: Well.....as long as we're going to die. I got a confession.
Stan: You going to tell me why you're such a narracisstic sociopathic asshole who keeps getting innocent people sucked into your schemes and into trouble?
Roger: No, not that at all. Remember when I told you I used to be a writer for Hollywood?
Stan: Mentioned that on occassion.....
Roger: Had this movie planned for David Spade and Chris Farley. Obviously, before he died. It was going to be called 'Alcohol, Tabacco, and Granny Arms'. It was about an elderly old lady who was an arms and drug dealer....
Stan: Sounds like it's little ahead of it's time, even for the 1990s.
Roger: The Grandmother calls her grandson on the phone to go on a cross-country road trip from Charleston South Carolina to LA. They were going to deliver gun and drugs to the Granny. Chris Farley was the grandson.
Stan: So what happens then?
Roger: The movie project got scrapped because....In the movie, I was going to make David Spade be dumb and bumbling, and Chris Farley be the smart and snarky one!
Stan: WHAT?! Are you insane? That never would've (beep)ing worked! It's supposed to be the opposite. David Spade: smart. And Chris Farley: dumb! No wonder it ended up on the cutting room floor! Where it belongs! THat wasn't a movie, that sounded like shit!
Roger: Just wanted to go a different route with it.
Stan: That's like making James Franco be a geek and Seth Rogan be the cool hipster!
General: Shut up! Enough of the American Pop Culture references! Any last requests?
Stan looks on as Roger picks up a bottle of Rain Duck Wine from his shirt.
Roger: Drink this! Holy communion!
Stan: Isn't that Rain Duck?
Roger: Sure is! I clobbered Francine with a wrecking ball for it, once.
Stan: So I saw!
Roger (whispers to Stan): Got a plan.
Stan: He was saying 'Goodbye Stan'! We are getting shot after all.....(laughs nervously)
Roger drinks the bottle real slow. Stan is wondering what Roger is up to. Roger's plan was to help them both escape by having Roger choke on the bottle then swallow it. Even though Stan didn't know what Roger's plan was, yet.
General: Remember, when the drink is finished, so are YOU!
Stan: We get ya!
Roger hiccups and the force of the hiccup causes him to accidentally shove the Rain Duck Wine down his throat.
Stan: Roger! What the hell did you do?
Roger (muffling): Accidentally shoved the bottle down my throat!
Stan: Stand back! I know CPR!
As Roger was choking on the bottle, Stan did CPR on him with no luck. Roger started laughing hysterically.
Roger: Cut that out, I'm ticklish!
Stan: It's a fine time to be ticklish! (punches Roger)
After being punched, Roger makes choking sounds that sound like Jungle Boy by Baltimora. The fire squad soliders grow impatient.
Stan: I'll help you, even though you screwed me. When I say 'heave' and 'ho', cough it up!
Roger starts to cough up the bottle but doesn't succeed.
Stan: Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho! Heave Ho!
Roger swallowed the whole bottle.
Stan: Oh, no! What the (beep) happened?
Roger: I swallowed it on the heave!
Stan (kicks Roger all around): Well, heave! Ho! Heave! Ho!
The firing squad sees Stan kick Roger around the prison field, and the General orders them to shoot.
General: Shoot them now!
The firing squad misses! Stan and Roger get away with their heads inside their shirt collars. Stan and Roger both run away from the prison execution field.
Stan: Was that your plan for escape?
Roger: Sure was!
Roger: See! You're lucky to have Roger for a friend! I get you into trouble, only to get you out!
Stan: Your ego is bigger than Flava Flav's!
Back in Langley Falls, Francine, Hayley, Steve, and Klaus were trying to think of some ideas to save Stan and Roger.
Francine: There just has to be a way to go to Bulgaria! But what?
Hayley: As a CIA agent's wife, you have connections with them, too. Why not burrow the CIA jet from them or something?
Francine: None of us knows how to fly!
Hayley: Bullock can take us! He's taken me on plane trips when I dated him.
Steve: Of all the times Dad has been embarrassed of me for being a geek! Now I'm embarrassed of him for being arrested in a different country. Are my friends going to rip on me and am I going to get my ass kicked for this, or what!
Klaus: At least they didn't get arrested for drug trafficking like in Brokedown Palace.
Francine: Put all of your pettiness aside! We need to find a way to bring your father home!
Klaus: Pretty funny when you get around to it! Getting arrested for a silly law like taking pictures! C'mon man! What kind of damage would that cause! I thought America had strict and silly laws!
Francine: Make a moot point about that, Klaus! It's like everything is illegal now.
Hayley: What's more than that is he kept complaining about how liberal the media is. Now he's a media blitz.
Steve: A situation that can only happen to Dad and Roger! (laughs) It was hilarious that news stations in Africa and the Mideast were reporting on his arrest! (laughs)
In the sky, there is a UFO shaped escape pod flying and coming in for a landing.
Francine: Look up in the sky! Wave to it! That could be our hope to save Stan and Roger!
Steve: Is it a bird or a plane?
Hayley (gasps): Think I know who it is! He's come back! Jeff!
Klaus: Don't get your hopes up to high, Hayley! And I mean a 'drug' high! Better yet! 'Contact high'! (laughs!) Should just give up. Nobody _ever_ laughs at mein jokes.
The UFO escape pod lands in the backyard of the Smith House. Francine, Hayley, and Steve run to it.
Francine: We have a visitor!
Steve: Maybe it's aliens from Roger's planet!
Hayley: Jeff! I'll be so happy to see you again! Let it be him! Been waiting for this day.....
The UFO opens and Jeff and the ghost of Sinbad come out of it.
Jeff: Finally! Back home! Hayley! (runs to Hayley)
Hayley (runs to Jeff): Jeff! I missed you so much!
Steve (to the Sinbad ghost): Who are you?
Sinbad: I'm Sinbad! duh! Don't you younger generation types know me?
Francine: Why are you a ghost?
Sinbad: I got brutally murdered on that alien slave ship Jeff and I were on.
Jeff: SInbad was right! That slave spaceship waas brutal! Was forced to work in a mall! We have so much catching up to do, protests, and fighting for causes.
Hayley: Poor thing! You're back now! Even other planets have to have capitalism! (sighs) You should know....I did move on....only because I thought you were dead.
Jeff: Understood. Told you to, anyway.
Sinbad: Damn straight, dawg! You were all he could talk about, Hayley! Great to finally meet you. We even went into the future! Your father was an ape! DAMN that was scary!
Hayley: What do you say we plan our lives? We can go to Colorado and go to the weed selling business like we talked about!
Jeff: That was the one thing that kept me going! One more thing...where's that alien son of the bitch, ROGER?!
Francine: He knew you were coming back one day. Last week, he got so scared that he fled the country.
Steve: Think he ran away to Haiti or Tahiti something!
Jeff: So what! Who cares about him! Already forgot about Roger! Loser isn't worth it! Don't believe in revenge! All I care about is being with you. Let's pack our stuff, Hayley!
Hayley: Sure thing. (holds hands with Jeff and kisses him)
Jeff and Hayley were finally reunited. And they were making plans to move to Colorado. Leaving Francine kind of sad.
Francine: Can we use your spaceship? Stan's in trouble in a different country.
Jeff: Sure can! It's voice controlled. Oh, and it's called a UFO escape pod.
Francine: Was hoping Hayley can come along. Wanted us all to find Stan together... Knew I was going to lose her someday.....
Steve: What are you getting at, Mom?
Francine (hugging Steve): At least I still have you little baby!
Steve: Mom! Knock it off! I'm fourteen!
Francine: What do you say, you and I go in uncle Jeff's UFO go fly to Bulgaria! It can be a fun mother and son adventure!
Steve (embarrased): Awww, like I have a choice? Wish I was bringing a hot girlfriend with me.
Francine: You and I had fun before! Remember that shop lifting adventure we had! It'll be just like that!
Steve: FINE! I'll go! This will be worse than that Halloween where Roger dressed as Inspector Gadget, and you dressed me up like Penny!
Francine and Steve go into Jeff's UFO Escape Pod and fly away.
UFO Escape Pod: Destination?
Francine: Certainly not space! Bulgaria! My husband needs my help!
UFO Escape Pod: Bulgaria it is!
Steve: We're in a _real_ UFO! Impressive, dude! Snot, Barry, and Toshi would be so jealous!
Francine: Never tell them we were in a UFO!
Steve: Maybe going with you won't be so bad after all!
Francine (laughs): That's me! The fun wife and the cool Mom!
The UFO flies into the sky and goes to Bulgaria.
Sinbad: Think my job here is done!
Back in Bulgaria, Stan and Roger were on the run from the Bulgarian Army. They sneak into an abandoned hotel.
Roger: This must be how Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid felt.
Stan: Roger! Something is happening?
Roger: What is it?
Stan: My lust for adventure! It's back! I'm not feeling the slump anymore!
Roger: Hate to spoil your moment, but we GOTTA HIDE!!!!
Stan and Roger run into a hotel room. Roger hides behind a radio, and Stan struggles to look for a place to hide.
Stan: Feels like I'm in like Taken 2! Only I'm not a giddy teenage girl. Hey, I got it! I'll disguise as a lamp!
The Bulgarian army marched into the abandoned hotel room. Stan put a lampshade on his head, and Roger was still behind the radio.
Solider #1: They must be in here, somewhere!
Solider #2: I saw them come in here!
Solider #3: Take a look around.
One of the soliders who was searching for Stan and Roger turned on a lamp that Stan was hiding. He tugged on Stan's tie, and the lamp lit up.
Solider #4: Stop wasting time! We must bring the fugitives back to the general for execution!
Stan blows out the bulb on the lamp. The Soliders sit down to strategize.
Solider #1: How about we turn on the radio for news reports?
The Soliders turn on the Radio, and Roger starts singing. The song Roger was singing was Becky G's Shower.
Roger (singing): I don't know, it's just something about ya Got me feeling like I can't be without ya Anytime someone mention your name .....
Solider #2: Must be a forgein station!
Solider #3: Possibly from America. Could be that Miley Cyrus slut!
Solider #2: And this is why other countries hate America!
Solider #4: So true. What gives Americans the right to come into other countries and break the law?
Solider #1: Which is the reason we must find these photographers at once!
Roger (singing): And people ask me how /Well your the reason why/I'm dancing in the mirror and singing in the shower/Ladade ladada ladada/Singing in the shower/Ladade ladada ladada/Singing in the shower.......
Solider #4: Stop that music!
Solider #2: Yes sir!
The soliders tried to change the radio channel to now avail.
Solider #1: It's on every station! Dammit! I'm switching to iPODS!
Solider #2: Let's try the news!
Solider #4: OKay.
When the soliders turn the knob, Roger stops singing the song. Then he imitates a news reporter.
Roger: Breaking News! Breaking News! Breaking News! Calling all stations! Calling all cars! Be on the lookout for 2 American photographers! (normal voice): They ain't in here....
Solider #1: Wonder where those American assholes are?
Roger: Last time I saw them, they were headed down Main Street! Then they were going to Electric Avenue. Or it might've been two other dudes!
The Soliders look behind the radio and see Roger and pull him out!
Solider #1: Gotcha with the goods, huh?
Solider #2: Before we shoot you up, we're going to give you the ass kicking of your life!
Roger escapes the solider's grip by ripping out of his jacket, then he taunts one as he passes by. The Soliders chase Roger who slides out a window. Stan comes out of hiding and slams the window on their heads. Then Roger comes out with xyolophone drumsticks and hits the soliders on the heads until they bled.
Soliders: AHHH!!! AHHHH!!! AHHHH!! HEY!! HEY!!! HEY!! HEY!!!!
Scene 12 Conclusion:
Stan and Roger were out of the hotel room. Now they were disguised as Bulgarian soliders they stole from the ones who hunted them down in the hotel room and pretended to march. The spectators all looked at them.
Roger: Why are they staring at us?
Stan: It's called respect, Roger. You should learn it sometime.
Roger: Want to do a dance?
Stan: I'm okay with that. Then afterwards we're going to think of a way to get home.
Roger turned on his iPOD and Muse's Supermassive Blackhole plays. Stan and Roger dance to the song for about 3 minutes. The spectators clap for them.
Stan: Thank you! Thank you! And that's what we call a Handbangers Ball!
Roger (following Stan): Thought you were going to think of a way to take us home?
Stan: In due time. But first we are going to eat!
Then Stan and Roger head into a resturant. Stan goes to sit at a booth, and Roger is at the bar. A Chef comes to greet him.
Chef: Today we got goat testicle stew! What do you have?
Roger: Goat ball stew!
The chef gives Roger a bowl of goat testicle stew. Roger tries to eat it. The testicles open and keep squirting at Roger.
Roger (surprised scream): BLLLAAHHH!!!!! What is this? Oyster stew? Let's try something.....
Then Roger gets some string, and gets one of the testicles to bite on it. Then the testicle closes and swallows the string!
Roger (shocked): What the (beep)!
Stan: Roger! Just order something else, okay?
Roger: No! Want to have this! Hmmm, should write to Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern about this.....
Stan: Stop wasting your time. Let's just get some food, and go home! Want to go back to the CIA now that I am not bored with it, anymore!
Roger (frustrated): Trying to outsmart some testicles here!
Stan sits there and watches Roger play with the goat testicle stew. Roger puts his finger in it, and the testicles bite him.
Roger: OOOOUUUCCCHHH!!! Those testicles are deadly!
Stan: What is your problem?
Roger: These testicles in this soup keep biting me.
Stan: Bullshit! How in the (beep) can testicles bite you?
Roger: See for yourself! Maybe I ought to order some chilled monkey brain instead......
Stan: Stop screwing around! Here, let me see.
Roger: Never thought balls would do such a thing.
Stan then puts his finger in the goat ball stew, and he, too gets bitten by the testicles. Stan screams in pain.
Roger: Told ya!
Stan: We must destroy this soup, Roger! That's the bad thing about foreign countries! Their food is shit!
Roger: Let's shoot the soup!
Stan and Roger both got out their guns and shot up the soup. The people in the resturant screamed. The Bulgarian armies along with the General at their execution earlier were outside the resturant about ready to break in.
Roger: Take that, goat ball stew! Your broth looks like Kayne West's ejaculated sperm!
Stan: Oh no! We broke another law!
The Bulgarian soliders break in to confront Stan and Roger.
General: Right you did!
Stan: What law did we break now?
General: You told a joke about an African American celebrity! Now you're really under arrest and going to get executed now! Seize them!
Roger (gulps): Rut-Roh!
Stan: I feel a Scooby-Doo style chase going on! RUN!!!!!
Indeed, a Scooby-Doo style chase does ensue. The General and the Bulgarian Armies chase Stan and Roger all through Bulgaria. The song Mr. Noah by Panda Bear is played as Stan and Roger get chased by the soliders. The chase goes on for 10 minutes. Then the soliders stop them.
General: We execute you right here, right now! Any more confessions?
Roger: I got one!
Stan (rolls eyes): Great! What is it now?
Roger: Back in the 1988 Republican National Convention, I was the spectator that held up that 'Assassinate Bush' sign! You know, the one with his face in the target!
Stan (angerly): Okay, shoot him!
Just as the General and the Bulgarian armies were about to shoot Stan and Roger, they were all shot in a bloody mess from behind by lasers.
Roger: Saved by the bell! (laughs)
The UFO lands next to Stan and Roger.
Stan: Roger? Did you call some aliens from your planet to help you?
Roger: Stan, you know I am against helping people. Do you really expect that from me?
Out comes Francine and Steve as the UFO opens.
Stan: Francine! Boy am I glad to see you! Where did you get the UFO? From Bullock? He has a fake UFO.
Francine: Actually, no. We saw on the news that you were in trouble. Then this UFO fell from the sky.
Steve: It's true. We shit you not. And Jeff was in it! And some ghost of a black guy....
Roger (scared): Oh, no! Jeff's back?
Steve: He is, but.......
Francine: We told him you left the country. And him and Hayley moved to Colorado together. They decided to not come after you.
Stan: That's good to hear. No more hippies in our house! heh heh. Looks like you're off the hook Roger!
Roger: Whew! What a relief!
Francine: Let's all go home!
Stan: Got some great news!
Roger, Stan, Francine, and Steve all go inside Jeff's old UFO Escape Pod.
Francine: What is it?
Stan: I finally got my love for adventure back!
Francine: All right! That's so wonderful! And to think I was going to go back to my dildo!
Roger: You don't need to now!
Everyone laughs as the UFO flies into the sky and goes back to Langley Falls. Two days later, Stan is sitting on the couch, this time gung ho about what exciting adventures the CIA has to offer.
Stan: Oh, boy! Wonder what mission Bullock has planned for us, now?
Roger drives into the driveway and runs into the house.
Klaus: Great! Looks like Roger is on another shenanigan!
Roger: Awesome news Stan!
Stan: Dare I ask?
Roger: I am going to Paris France to make political cartoons for a magazine called Charlie Hebdo! Would you like to come?
Roger: But, we always have fun together.
Stan: Not this time.
Francine: Take someone else with you. Stan got his CIA groove back! Good thing he got his mojo back. I was on the verge of becoming bored with him again.
Stan: Absolutely I did! Sorry, Roger. No more zany overseas adventures with you. Time for me to move on! And have some journeys to go on for the CIA! As I was meant to be.
Roger (despondant): But you're my best friend....Who am I going to have adventures with now? (sighs) All right.
Steve: I'll go with you! Want to see where French kissing originated.
Roger: Cool! Awesome! YOU can be BFF, now!
Steve: Now that Dad is fed up with your goofiness, I'll be your go-to guy! You can introduce me to some French prostitutes......
Stan goes to the CIA, and Roger and Steve go to France to write for Charlie Hebdo.
Sinbad (voiceover): And there you have it! Stan finally got his spark back and is no longer bored with the CIA. Roger and Steve are having an adventure in France. Francine and Klaus are at home doing housewife things. And Jeff and Hayley are happily reunited and are now living in Colorado working in the weed business. But what about me? Whatever became of all Sinbad?
The scene shows location shots of Las Vegas. Then it shows the ghost of Sinbad singing Frank Sinatra's My Way on Stage:
Sinbad (singing): I've lived a life that's full. I've traveled each and ev'ry highway; And more, much more than this, I did it my way.
Closing Credits scene.
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