Categories > Original > Drama
(#) LadyLunatheStrange 2015-01-31"In you, I see everything I wish I could be, and everything my atoms cry out to leave alone."
I've read everything you've put out tonight so far, and I think this one has got to be the clunkiest, most fragmented piece I've read so far. It's just clumsy! But there were a few things I liked and I'll point them out.
"Angry gashes on your arms wept crimson and I thought about how the linoleum wouldn't even stain."
I don't know if you intended this, but it seems to me that this friendship was nothing but a bitter jealousy/rivalry thing. And I think it's awesome how the line above perfectly states how almost totally detached the protagonist was from the boy, except to later point out how beautiful he was in that moment. It's positively chilling!
"Your brilliant mind lay scattered all over everything, but I held you all the same"
I was rather taken with the imagery of the nameless boy laying on the hood of his car, his brain exposed and matter scattered up the tree and another person holding him. It's just vague enough for me to paint my own picture.
"I failed and I hate you for it. No one who knew us will ever let me forget that you were better. You fixed it for good that day. You're a six-foot-under diva, still not letting me step out of your shadow. And sometimes, I think that's exactly what you had in mind."
The implication here is rather unsettling. Either the protagonist is such an egotist that they believe someone would kill themselves to set them up for failure... or the protagonist is right and that's what the boy did. Not very good, but unsettling either way.
I can't say that I liked this story. In fact, I'm a little disappointed after the last couple that I read from you, but it wasn't terrible and I liked some of the sort of "between the lines" implications and some of the scenes.
Author's responseThank you for your review, I really appreciate your honesty! Yeah, definitely not my best and you are pretty much dead on about the rivalry thing. I'm not entirely sure of which unsettling implication is correct. I feel like the narrator is crazy, but on the other hand, so was he. So, I can't really answer for that one. I'm sorry I disappointed you, and I'll try not to let you down again!
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