FicWad

He wanted to die. That's why he let himself fall off that cliff, and he's the only one that knew the reasons why. They were very clear to him, yet he didn't want to even admit they existed. It disgusted him and made him ashamed even though he couldn't do anything about it. As he fell into the river, he thought about the first time he'd tried to commit suicide.

Several months ago was when it happened. It was late at night, and he was sitting on his bed, practicing his flute skills when he felt his brother's chi nearby. It called out to him, summoning him to the garden. He obliged with no hesitance. How could he resist his beloved brother? They hadn't seen each other in months after all. He set his flute down and walked into the courtyard. The moon was high and very white, casting light over the trees and grass. Near the wall, he spotted a shadow that he immediately recognized as his brother Suboshi's.

"I thought I told you not to come here," Amiboshi said, despite his excitement. He kept his face neutral, even though he wanted to smile and cry and hug all of the air out of his brother. This was most certainly a business call.

"I just had to see you." Suboshi whispered, stepping closer. The phrase sent a chill through Amiboshi's spine and his breath left him. There were so many things he wished his brother meant. "I missed you, aniki."

His brother kept walking closer. Tears stung Amiboshi's eyes. He closed the final distance and swept him into his arms. He held him tightly, as if he would disappear if he let go. It surprised Suboshi at first, but he soon understood and held him back. They stayed there for a while.

Amiboshi had felt attraction to his brother for a long time. He tried to ignore it, but it always came to him during unexpected instances. But for all he knew, it was just something sexual. He didn't want to think that there was any more than that. Any more would mean trouble. Incestuous feelings are already taboo, he didn't need more of them getting in the way. It was already hard enough to not take advantage of his brother. So, usually, he pushed away any impulses he had and tried to forget.

He remembered the beginning. They were orphans as children. Always hungry and scared and caught in the middle of battle. They knew how bad it was, and they also knew they were better off than others since they had each other. Even if no one else could be depended on, they always had the other. Every night in whatever shelter they'd found, Amiboshi would play a song on his flute to soothe his brother to sleep. After that, he'd fall asleep to the sound of crickets. Their life wasn't terribly good, but it wasn't terribly bad either.

And then they met Nakago. That wasn't too bad at first. They had been taken in, cared for and fed. Why would they ever pass up the chance? Even though they had both sensed something dangerous about the man, they never said anything for fear of losing their right to stay. So, they went along with whatever they said and got a roof over their heads in return. And thus began the battle between two priestesses and her constellations. Nakago collected all of the other warriors and finally, the priestess arrived. It was joyous and seemed fine, even as they prepared for battle and trickery.

It was dangerous to send Amiboshi undercover. Suboshi knew it, the others knew it, and Nakago knew it, of course, even though it was evident he didn't care what happened to him. It infuriated Suboshi. The fact that Nakago cared so little for Amiboshi's safety would have been troubling anyhow, but the fact that he was like this after caring for him for so long made it worse. Now it was clear they were just being used. That night, Suboshi had tried to convince his brother of it.

"Aniki, listen to me! Nakago requests something ridiculous of you! If you were ever found out, you know what they'd d—!" a finger touched his lips to silence him.

"Shush. I know this, and I'm willing to take the risk. What I'm hoping to gain from this mission is his trust. Maybe… Maybe if he sees how loyal I am, he'll care more for us. Also… I want to find a way for us to escape. I can't be here to do that."

"Amiboshi! Don't you see? He's a cruel, cold-hearted bastard! He won't ever care if you die. And… And I do care! I love you, aniki." Suboshi looked at the ground, tears in his eyes, while Amiboshi's heart leapt into his throat. Did my brother just confess his love? Wait a minute. He's my brother. He just meant brotherly love. Oh. Okay. He thought, trying to ignore his rapidly beating heart. Then why do I feel so disappointed? He pushed the thought away.

"I understand, and I know it's true. But this is our only way out. I promise I'll return." he smiled, gently touching Suboshi's tear-stained cheek.

That was the last time they had seen each other—until two months ago. That night had been the night when he'd realized… Realized truly how he felt about his brother.

After their embrace, Amiboshi couldn't calm his heart. Even if it meant nothing to his brother, it meant everything to him. Thoughts of Suboshi filled his head. He loved every part of him. His personality was shining and bright, and his body was… well, he didn't really want to think about that. He might not be able to control himself.

But the thoughts came anyway.

First, he thought about his brother's hands. They were strong, like his own, but calloused in different places. Amiboshi had them all over his fingertips and in other little creases from playing the flute all the time, but Suboshi had them in the spaces between his index finger and his thumb from holding his weapons. It was a small thing to notice, but everything was noticeable.

Second, he thought about his brother's legs. They made him very agile, so much that it seemed he could defy gravity. He longed to—no, he couldn't even think about that. It was too dangerous.

He kept thinking about Suboshi. Not anything specific, just him. But soon he grew restless and his thoughts settled on his face. The skin was soft and pale, without a single blemish. His nose was finely pointed and his eyes were perfect in size and shape. Amiboshi tried not to think about how all of this was the same for his own face. It only made it more terrifying.

Another thing he noticed were (and to his dismay) Suboshi's lips. It was hard to tell what they would feel like in the moonlight. He knew Suboshi was messy and didn't usually care for his health unless someone told him to, so they very well could be chapped, but somehow Amiboshi knew otherwise. Even so, his fingers felt the need to test his theory. They were indeed soft.

Amiboshi tried not to think about what he was doing or how it was making him feel. He tried not to think about how it was making his brother feel. He slid his hand onto Suboshi's cheek while his thumb slowly moved back and forth across his lower lip. He wondered what it would be like to kiss them.

He knew he should stop himself before things went any further, but it was like he just couldn't control his body anymore. Like an unseen force was directing him. It had happened before, but he knew that it wasn't the case this time. He felt totally in control and helpless at the same time. It was an awful feeling, and it only got worse when he realized what he would do next.

He moved his face towards his brother's, like he was in a dream, until they were just a centimeter apart. He hesitated. It was so very wrong, what he was doing. Of course, he hadn't even done anything yet but the fact that he wanted to and was about do didn't make the situation any better. He knew with his very soul that under no circumstance should a person feel this way about his own brother but what was he supposed to do about it? It wasn't like he could just tell his brain to shut up and move on. Especially not with the reality presented before him. His dear brother Suboshi was right there, frozen to the spot and waiting. It was a chance that would only come once in a lifetime.

This time, he knew what he was doing. He moved his thumb out of the way and gently pressed their lips together. The light pressure made it feel like an ocean of emotions had just crashed through his body. Suboshi's lips were even softer to feel against his own.

He snapped out of it for a minute and waited for some kind of resistance from his brother, but there was none. He kept kissing him, moving his lips and tilting his head to reach them from a better angle. Kissing him felt like everything he had ever dreamed of crammed into one moment, and it felt great. He wanted more. He wanted Suboshi's hands to reach up and tangle in his hair. To untie his bandana. He wanted those hands to move down his body barely touching, a tease. He wanted so, so much.

He would never get it.

He pushed himself away from Suboshi, realizing what he had done. The euphoria had stopped him for mere seconds until he was forced back into reality. Panic flew through him like a hurricane, and he stepped back a couple steps, trembling.

"I-I'm sorry! I don't know what I…!" Amiboshi flushed red and covered his mouth in shame. "I have to go!" he turned without even looking his brother in the face and ran straight to his room, almost slamming the door behind him. He leaned against it and panted, trying to catch his breath. He knew that this time, no matter how much he wanted to forget, no matter how much he pushed the thoughts away, that they'd be here to stay. Now that he'd gotten a taste… how could he ever forget?

Amiboshi moved away from the door to sit on his bed. He was almost paralyzed in shock. How could he have cracked? He thought he'd held up his walls so well… and in the end, it turned out that it was for nothing. Surely, he thought, Surely Suboshi hates me now.

There was a knock at the door. It couldn't be him, he thought, but he knew otherwise. Who else could it be, at this hour? It was nearly midnight. He hesitantly walked over to the door and slid it open. His eyes were beautiful, and his heart leapt all over again.

"Aniki…"

"Go away, Suboshi!" tears threatened to emerge again.

"Not until you tell me why you… did that."

"I can't," he said, closing his eyes, "not now."

"Please, Amiboshi!" his voice was desperate to know. Oh, how innocent he is.

"I'll tell you soon, okay? But not now. I need to be alone." he faked a smile that he was absolutely sure his brother saw through and closed the door in his face.

There was no way in hell he could tell his brother. He could just explain that it was a mistake, that he looked like a girl he liked, that he just wasn't thinking clearly from lack of sleep, that he was being controlled, or so many other excuses. He knew Suboshi wouldn't believe one of them.

Shit… he thought, What am I going to do? His thoughts played ping-pong all night, going from excuse to excuse until he found one he thought would work, and his mind finally settled on the one he least wanted to try.

Suicide was not the answer. At least, that's what he always tried to tell himself. But today, it seemed, it was. He thought about how alone his brother would be. How sad he would be. Well, if he hates me, he might not be sad that I died. He thought, but he knew it wasn't true. Suboshi could never hate his brother, and vice versa.

Amiboshi's thoughts wandered closer and closer to suicide. He thought about what a despicable person he was. How someone like him did not deserve to live. Anyone that thought things like that about their own brother shouldn't live. And now that he had broken his own sacred law, there was no way around it. No one would miss him anyway. He had just arrived at Suzaku anyway. None of them even knew him that well. They all loved his flute playing, even though he was poisoning them, and they accepted him as a friend in general, but did they really even know him? They didn't know his name, where he came from, or that he had a twin brother. So how could they miss him when he was practically a stranger? None of the Seiryu members would miss him. Especially not Nakago. And Suboshi? Well, what right did Amiboshi have to receive his brother's love? After everything? He deserved nothing. Not. One. Bit.

So he pulled the small blade he kept for self-defense out of his drawer and sat in the middle of the floor, staring at it. Just a couple of slices and I'm finished. It'll be over. He kept repeating it, like some sort of mantra. He turned it a little in his hands and it caught the moonlight. So beautiful… he thought, and he took it by the handle and cut his left wrist. The pain was agonizing. It was so much that he couldn't cry out if he tried. He really pushed the blade in hard so the cut was deep and he would die soon. He moved the blade to his other hand and proceeded to do the same with the right wrist. He was vaguely aware of the blood as he fell onto his back and stared at the thatched ceiling as he died. If he ignored the pain, it was kind of nice.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Mitsukake came in. His eyes immediately took in the scene and he rushed with lightning speed to Amiboshi's side. You idiot! What have you done! He thought as he trembled and tried to heal his friend. There was no way he could go out like this. He tried very, very hard and focused all of his chi on the cuts in Amiboshi's wrists. He thought he would bleed to death before they were sealed, but fate was on his side and that was not the case.

The cuts sealed quickly, and Amiboshi's blood was regained through the healing. He lay on the floor, staring at Mitsukake like he was an alien.

"Why…?" he whispered feebly. "I wanted to die. Why did you have to save me?" he choked back a sob.

"I don't want you to die! You're my friend, and you're everyone else's friend too. We all care about you, and I know for certain that everyone would cry if you had successfully killed yourself." he took a deep breath. "Why would you do this, anyway?"

"I…" he couldn't speak through the sobs. Mitsukake helped him sit up, and he hugged him tightly, letting Amiboshi sob into his shoulder. "Please… just don't… tell anyone!" he said between sobs.

"I won't… but I'm sure they felt your chi weaken. That's why I came in the first place. I happened to be nearby, and I suddenly felt your chi weaken immensely. I thought you might just be ill, but then it almost disappeared completely and I panicked." he stoked Amiboshi's back soothingly and tried to calm him down. It wasn't working. He just kept sobbing and sobbing, clutching onto Mitsukake's shirt for dear life. He realized that now was not the time to interrogate him. He was too fragile. So he just comforted him until he could breathe again.

"Please tell me what happened; I'm worried about you." Mitsukake said. Amiboshi wouldn't look him in the eyes.

"I can't." Please understand. He thought.

"…" He sighed, "Okay, I won't pry. But please don't try this again. It's not worth it…"

Amiboshi didn't respond. He just looked at his now healed wrists, wishing there were still cuts there so he could just die. But he couldn't try it again. He couldn't let Mitsukake down after he'd used too much of his chi to heal him. After he'd said that they were… friends.

"I'm going to leave now, okay? Take care, Chiriko." Amiboshi flinched when he said that. How could you consider me your friend when you don't even know the real me? He thought sadly. It was all just a big lie.

Amiboshi remembered this like it was yesterday. The first time he tried to kill himself. It was such a horrible thing to have accomplished, he almost laughed. And somehow he remembered every detail as he fell into the river for his second attempt at death. He felt himself fall backwards off the cliff and he started into the faces of his "friends" before splashing into the icy water. He rushed through the current for a few seconds before bumping his head on a rock and passing out.

He felt warm. That was the only way he could describe it. Like a hug or a blanket. He smiled instinctively. This reminded him of his brother, of when they were children and they huddled together in a box. He tried opening his eyes. If his brother was there he wanted to see him once more before he died. He felt his eyelids opening, but what he saw didn't change. All he saw was black.

The blackness was very unnerving. He couldn't see or feel anything. It wasn't cold or hot or even neutral. He couldn't even feel his own limbs. Suddenly it occurred to him that this must be what it feels like to be dead. He didn't at all feel at peace. It felt like he was stuck in the middle of a hurricane of confusion. He tried getting free but couldn't. It was like he was really paralyzed. He wanted to get out. He wanted to be alive again.

He tried to call out to his brother's warmth. It was the only thing he could still sense. Aniki, help me! He wanted to scream. He couldn't. If he could cry, he would be sobbing. I don't want to die, Aniki! Please help me! He cried in his mind.

He spent what felt like years in this isolation, crying and screaming silently. He knew there was no hope. This is what death was, and it was horrible. Absolutely horrible. Why would anyone ever want to die? He thought. This was a horrible mistake.

It wasn't too bad though, since that warmth was still lingering, but it was too far away to reach. He wanted it so badly but it kept gravitating away from him, farther into the abyss. He wished he could reach out his hand and grab on to it, to stop it from leaving him forever. He couldn't stop it and it infuriated him. So he just existed there, doing nothing, feeling nothing. He knew he'd be there for all time.

His prediction was snuffed immediately when he felt something cold on his face. Cold?! He thought. On my face?! It was he first feeling he'd had in a while and he got more excited than necessary. What does this mean? What is that cold thing? What's happening? He tried to open his eyes again, and found that he could. His eyelids were heavy, but he forced them open and was faced with blinding light. It was a lot more painful than he'd expected.

He closed his eyes again and waited.

"Amiboshi? Are you awake?" It was his brother's voice. Instantly, relief flooded through him.

"Suboshi! Where are you?" he tried to move his arms and feel around for his brother, but it was like there were lead weights attached to them.

"I'm right here, brother. I'm right here." a hand enclosed around his. It was just like that warmth he felt in the horrible abyss.

"I can't open my eyes. It hurts."

"It's fine. Keep them closed. It'll be better that way."

"But I need to see you. I need to see you before I—." before I die. That's what he wanted to say but he didn't finish the sentence. He was here with his brother. There was no way he could be dead. Relief flooded through him once more.

"No. It's okay. Don't open your eyes," his brother's voice sounded odd.

"…Aniki… What's wrong? You sound funny."

"I'm fine."

"I'm going to open my eyes now." Amiboshi forced his eyelids open again, ignoring the blinding light to find his brother's face. He looked around before seeing his face (though blurry) to his left. "See, brother? It's fine. Now I can see you." he started to smile as his vision focused. Then, his heart stopped.

Suboshi's face was mangled. It was still him of course, but one of his eyes was missing and there was a gaping hole in return. There were slashes all over his face and his lips were missing, revealing his teeth. His skin was bluish and rotting and his left arm had been torn off from the shoulder. He looked like a demon.

Amiboshi heard a scream. It was loud and sudden, and genuinely terrified. He wondered for a moment whose it could possibly be until he realized it was his. The sight of his brother was indescribable. It was so horrifying to see… and that's what made it so unbelievable. This person… no, this thing before him was not his brother.

"You're not my brother. Get away from me." his voice was hoarse and he had started to sweat. He realized the fake Suboshi was still clinging to his hand and he tried to shake it off. He would not let go. "I said get away from me!" his voice was shrill and he started tugging his hand away. Maybe blunt force would separate them.

It sure did, but not in the way Amiboshi expected it to. He tugged exceptionally hard and felt no resistance; he'd freed himself. But then, he realized that fake Suboshi's hand was still there. He looked at it like it was a parasite until he realized that the thing's hand had been torn off at the wrist. Now it was stuck to him like a leech.

He screamed again.

"Brother… why are you doing this to me? It hurts, brother. It hurts so much. Why, brother? I just wanted to be here for you and this is what you do to me?" the thing looked as sad as it could be with that mangled expression.

"YOU'RE NOT MY BROTHER!" he shrieked.

"Why can't you see, brother? It's me, Suboshi. I wish you didn't hurt me, brother." then something very, very terrifying happened. His flesh started melting off. It was slow and agonizingly sick. It glopped off his face like cottage cheese until you could see his skull underneath. The other eye was still in there, staring at him without emotion. Suddenly the thing's entire body lurched towards Amiboshi.

"I'm dying, brother! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME! WHY WOULD YOU HURT ME? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" he screeched like a demonic banshee with his skull mouth. It wasn't even his brother anymore. "GIVE ME A KISS, BROTHER! IT'S WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED ISN'T IT! SO GIVE BROTHER A KISS!" it tried shoving its face into Amiboshi's while it laughed manically.

"NOOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Amiboshi kept screaming and screaming and screaming. The thing finally made contact with his face. The skull was sharp on the edges and rough and it scratched him all over. The little bits of flesh still left smeared all over his face. Unconsciously, Amiboshi realized he was still dead, and he was in hell for what he had done. This was his punishment. He couldn't think about it clearly now, of course, with this… this thing in his face but he knew the truth.

He started to see black spots around the edges of his vision, and knew he was passing out. Thank everything, he thought. I can't stand to be in the presence of this thing anymore. The last thing he heard before he blacked out was, "I'll never forgive you."