Categories > Original > Romance
Why Do You Care So Much?
1 reviewPhil had been dealing with a lot of hate on the Internet recently. He was also keeping it from everyone; including Dan. But no secret stays secret forever. Warning: Triggers
1Moving
"Dan, why do you care to be my friend?" Dan Howell averted his eyes from the Tumblr page on his laptop, befuddled at his best friend's sudden appearance. "What?" Dan closed the page as Phil padded in, still in his hoodie, t-shirt, and black skinny jeans. despite the late hour of 9:30PM.
"I, um, was just wondering why you care to live with me after so long after everything.." Phil averted his gaze to the floor, curious and hoping Dan would take him seriously.
The YouTuber raised a confused eyebrow at first, but then snorted, assuming Phil was up to his old shenanigans again. "Oh Phillip, you know i'm just using you to get close to your mum," Dan laughed light-heartedly. The latter felt his heart sink at his friend's oblivion.
But Phil smiled anyway and he nodded before he realized what he had just done. "Okay," Phil smiled.
Liar.
"Um, I think i'm going to turn in early tonight.." And Phil was making his way towards the hall before Dan could even get a word out. Truth be told, that was a little strange, but Dan just assumed it was Phil being, well, Phil.
And with that thought out of the way, the Brit resumed his Tumblr browsing as the blaring of the TV sounded in the background. Phil returned to his bedroom and all but collapsed onto his bed. He was so exhausted, and he dreaded opening his laptop that lied on his bedside table.
Groping for his pillow, the YouTuber held it close and curled himself into a ball. He was such an idiot for being such a wuss to his friend. As well as terrified of what waited for him on his social media feed.
A few minutes later, Phil reluctantly grabbed his laptop and set it on his lap, troubled. For the past couple of weeks it seemed everything someone tried to comment or post on his social media, was resentment. On the Internet, and in his daily life.
He could feel people, staring and scrutinizing him behind his back. There was some that tried retaliating against them, and Phil knew he should be ignoring them. YouTubers get hate comments all the time, including his flatmate. But they had started to pick up a lot more recently. (Most of them was from his lack of a video). He started losing sleep, eating less, and his self esteem far lower than normal.
In fact, Phil had been dreading this all day, confused to why he couldn't be strong for once and suck it up. If Dan was so impervious to hate, why couldn't he be?
Phil put aside his pessimistic way of thinking, and logged onto his Twitter first. Maybe things got better. He was wrong. The first comment Phil even glanced at was hate.
@AmazingPhil is SO FUCKING STUPID. that idiot doesnt know how to post youtube vids?? Ugh im gonna unsub if he doesn't post soon
The second.
Hey @AmazingPhil is such a stupid gay dumbass. I just wish hed go kill himself already ://
The third.
God i HATE @AmazingPhil. Hes not even funny. The only reason he has subs is cuz of Dan. I just wish hed quit youtube and go die somewhere
For weeks, this had been reoccurring, but Phil still felt sick to his stomach when he read new ones. He knew these things weren't true, he had many other fans who appreciated his videos. But the more these comments showed up, the more he began to believe them.
What if they were true? Dan was a far better Youtuber than him. At least he could shoot new video's within the month. Phil was always busy, or had another excuse. That was it. It had to be. Everyone was just lying to make him feel better.
He was a poor excuse for a person, especially when it came to his job. He didn't deserve Dan, or any of the fantastic things he had thanks to Youtube. There were billions of other people who could do the same thing, and be better than Phil ever tried to be. He was just an idiot, and the whole world knew it.
Phil couldn't believe he hadn't come to this conclusion before, when it was obviously the truth. Tears welled up in Phil's dull blue eyes, but he wiped them away quickly. He had skimmed through his replies for a couple minutes before shutting his laptop, and rubbing his baggy eyes.
He couldn't go to sleep when he should be editing a video. Phil was afraid of being resented more if he waited. So, with a heavy weight in his chest, Phil sat up.
He made his way to his other computer on his desk, and slumped into the chair. Phil decided to work on his unedited mess until it was finished so he could sleep easier that night.
A few hours later..
3:35AM. The bold clock lettering mocked him. The new video was almost finished, though. Although Phil caught himself starting to doze off every couple seconds, and had to strain his eyes once more to stay awake.
Phil was sore, and also hungry. He had forgotten to eat dinner. and lunch. And breakfast. He could've used some coffee right now, but he decided to give Dan the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his flatmate had gone to his own room to sleep already. Phil didn't want to wake him.
The brunette went back, and rewatched the video for the fourth time, trying to decide for the third time that night if he like it. Phil winced at the sound of his annoying voice. Then squirmed in his chair at his disproportionate, ugly features.
Shaking his head, he paused it, and minimized the tab. He'd never be finished with the editing at this point, but he couldn't help imagining who else would be pissed at him. Or even worse, recognize him more for who he really was if he didn't.
Then, Phil was overcome with hacking coughs, roughly tearing at his parched throat. The YouTuber groaned, rubbing his face, and retreating underneath the dark refuge of his desk to hack there.
Phil wasn't entirely sure how long this went on for. All he was sure of was that his eyes were watering, and his throat ached by the time he could breathe again. Then, a rapping knock sounded from outside his door. "Phil? Are you awake..? I can hear you all the way from the living room," Dan's worried voice sounded, muffled outside the door.
Phil squeezed his tired eyes shut, waves of unjust grief washing over him. So Dan was awake. They both knew the YouTuber had trouble sleeping at night. Maybe if he had checked in on him instead of editing the stupid-
"Open the door, Phil. You can't hide in there forever," Dan interrupted. More jiggling of the doorknob sounded for a few seconds before it ceased, and the padded footfalls faded. Phil was aware of his unleveled breathing now, more concerned of his flatmate finding him so pathetic.
For a moment, Phil even thought his friend had left, before the footsteps returned, and a key was unlocking his door. The older stifled a whimper and tried to make himself look smaller, which, of course, was a pretty useless plan to begin with. While Phil's anxiety worsened, the door creaked open, and light flooded into the room.
"Philly? Wait, where are- Phil?" Dan's padded footsteps ceased where the YouTuber was still curled up underneath the desk. There was no hiding now, and he knew it. Dan could just make out his friend's shaking form underneath the desk. The most he saw was slightly illuminated by the computer screen. "Hey, hold on." And Dan's form was gone again, and the large lamp next to his bed was switched on.
Phil grimaced and hid his face in his pulled up knees from the sudden brightness. Yet, Dan seemed to be used to it, and quickly made his way back to Phil's curled up form. At the sight of his friend, guilt surged through him. The brunette was curled up, arms hiding his face, and shaking.
"Phil, what's wrong?" Dan asked softly, kneeling down on his knees. The older heaved a dry sob and wiped his eyes with his hands, shaking his head. "You weren't editing a video, were you?" When Phil made no sign to respond, he sighed.
Dan got down beside Phil and wrapped his arms around his friend's shaking frame, despite the awkward position. Phil stifled a gasp as Dan hugged him, dragging him into his lap as well. The difference Dan made effected him immediately. It surrounded Phil in a warmth he caved into without question.
It seemed to be just fine with the latter, who pulled him closer still. Phil couldn't believe how good Dan was at pretending to care. "Dan," the brunette choked, and was sobbing into his friends shoulder. Chest heaving, wrenching sobs that he couldn't stop.
But this still didn't seem to bother Dan. In fact, he rubbed comforting circles into Phil's back, and whispered sweet nothings in his ear as he just let him cry. Phil didn't hold back, either. All the pent up frustration and pain of the last month just came tumbling out on Dan's shoulder as they held each other tight.
And Phil knew he would leave after this was over, so who was he to stall? It was about ten minutes later that Phil began to calm down, leaving him a pathetic, trembling mess in Dan's arms.
The first words that left the brunette's mouth was an apology. "S-Sorry, sorry. I got y-your shirt we-et," he sniffled, pushing himself off of Dan's shoulders. The YouTuber just stared, and pulled him back. "Phil, hey." Dan patted Phil's cheek as he avoided his gaze. "I could care less about the stupid shirt. Okay? What's wrong?"
The brunette could just meet Dan's wide brown eyes without bursting into tears again. Phil wiped his eyes and laughed dryly, shaking his head. "Pf, you don't c-care. You're jus' lying to p-pity me. It's always b-been like t-that. You don't h-have to make up e-excuses to be my friend a-anymore."
Dan looked like he was about to cry himself. "Wh- you were being serious earlier, weren't you?" Phil sniffed and hid his face in Dan's shoulder. "But it is! You w-would be much better o-off without me. No-no amount of-of recognition you h-have now was c-contributed because of me. I'm a-a useless twat, Dan. In fact, I'll kick m-myself out now so you w-won't have to."
Phil shifted to get up, but Dan was having none of it. The wide eyed man pulled Phil back, and held on as if he were afraid he'd disappear right in front of him. "God, Phil. No. No, you're wrong," Dan asserted, his voice cracking. "How long have you thought this? Whatever triggered you- those assholes on the Internet, or-or YouTube, they're so fucking wrong."
Phil's bloodshot eyes bored into Dan's. The brunette held his breath, waiting for the 'but-'. "Phil, your imperfections are what make you perfect. Your dopey smiles are what light up the entire fucking room. Your stupid jokes, and the way you always make everyone smile on the shittiest days.. I get lost in your eyes, Phil. I know you don't realise, but you're perfect the way you are," Dan finished.
Tears were streaming down Phil's cheeks now, and he was having breathing problems. His arms were hooked around Dan's neck the next second so sudden the desk jolted. The brunette couldn't believe what Dan had just told him, holding his hand so tight it was like he was making a promise.
A moment later, the younger pulled back and cleared tear tracks from Phil's face with the pad of his thumb. The brunette was a trembling, shocked mess in Dan's arms. All the while clinging to him like glue as his flatmate's wide brown eyes bore into Phil's.
The older wouldn't exactly meet Dan's eyes, and was (accidentally) nosing his cheek as a headache swept over him. "Phil?" Dan muttered a few minutes later as he still hadn't said anything. "Hey, Phil. Talk to me." Phil was still hugging Dan as he patted him on the cheek.
"I'm-I'm sorry. All these-th-these people, they w-were-" Phil could barely hold it together. Not any longer before he was being brought into another hug. How had he gotten so lucky, holy Hell. Dan rubbed his friend's back, and whispered sweet nothings into his neck. "Shh, it's okay. S'okay, Phil. You don't have to think like that anymore. Not while I'm here. Jus' tell me how long," Dan cooed as he met Phil's eyes.
The brunette squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "Four, um, four weeks, I think." Phil felt Dan tense in his arms and his breath hitch. The brunette was about to console his flatmate himself when something happened. Dan sniffled, and then he was leaning in.
Phil's eyes were wide with shock, and he found himself to be paralysed. Then Dan's lips pressed against his shyly. Phil stifled a gasp, but he didn't pull away. Neither did Dan. In fact, the older leaned in to the kiss and wrapped his arms around Dan's neck.
Out of the last four months, Phil has never felt happier. His heart felt like it was exploding. And his tummy was alive with butterflies. As if fearing he'd break him, Dan caressed Phil's jaw, and tangled his fingers in his hair. Phil sighed happily against Dan's mouth.
They finally separated only when they were panting for air. Phil didn't get a single word out. "I love you," Dan panted, his brown doe eyes glimmering. They were pressed so close together, Phil could feel Dan's hot breath against his cheek.
The brunette found himself overjoyed, and a bit unable to breathe. "I-," Phil grinned.
"I love you too."
"I, um, was just wondering why you care to live with me after so long after everything.." Phil averted his gaze to the floor, curious and hoping Dan would take him seriously.
The YouTuber raised a confused eyebrow at first, but then snorted, assuming Phil was up to his old shenanigans again. "Oh Phillip, you know i'm just using you to get close to your mum," Dan laughed light-heartedly. The latter felt his heart sink at his friend's oblivion.
But Phil smiled anyway and he nodded before he realized what he had just done. "Okay," Phil smiled.
Liar.
"Um, I think i'm going to turn in early tonight.." And Phil was making his way towards the hall before Dan could even get a word out. Truth be told, that was a little strange, but Dan just assumed it was Phil being, well, Phil.
And with that thought out of the way, the Brit resumed his Tumblr browsing as the blaring of the TV sounded in the background. Phil returned to his bedroom and all but collapsed onto his bed. He was so exhausted, and he dreaded opening his laptop that lied on his bedside table.
Groping for his pillow, the YouTuber held it close and curled himself into a ball. He was such an idiot for being such a wuss to his friend. As well as terrified of what waited for him on his social media feed.
A few minutes later, Phil reluctantly grabbed his laptop and set it on his lap, troubled. For the past couple of weeks it seemed everything someone tried to comment or post on his social media, was resentment. On the Internet, and in his daily life.
He could feel people, staring and scrutinizing him behind his back. There was some that tried retaliating against them, and Phil knew he should be ignoring them. YouTubers get hate comments all the time, including his flatmate. But they had started to pick up a lot more recently. (Most of them was from his lack of a video). He started losing sleep, eating less, and his self esteem far lower than normal.
In fact, Phil had been dreading this all day, confused to why he couldn't be strong for once and suck it up. If Dan was so impervious to hate, why couldn't he be?
Phil put aside his pessimistic way of thinking, and logged onto his Twitter first. Maybe things got better. He was wrong. The first comment Phil even glanced at was hate.
@AmazingPhil is SO FUCKING STUPID. that idiot doesnt know how to post youtube vids?? Ugh im gonna unsub if he doesn't post soon
The second.
Hey @AmazingPhil is such a stupid gay dumbass. I just wish hed go kill himself already ://
The third.
God i HATE @AmazingPhil. Hes not even funny. The only reason he has subs is cuz of Dan. I just wish hed quit youtube and go die somewhere
For weeks, this had been reoccurring, but Phil still felt sick to his stomach when he read new ones. He knew these things weren't true, he had many other fans who appreciated his videos. But the more these comments showed up, the more he began to believe them.
What if they were true? Dan was a far better Youtuber than him. At least he could shoot new video's within the month. Phil was always busy, or had another excuse. That was it. It had to be. Everyone was just lying to make him feel better.
He was a poor excuse for a person, especially when it came to his job. He didn't deserve Dan, or any of the fantastic things he had thanks to Youtube. There were billions of other people who could do the same thing, and be better than Phil ever tried to be. He was just an idiot, and the whole world knew it.
Phil couldn't believe he hadn't come to this conclusion before, when it was obviously the truth. Tears welled up in Phil's dull blue eyes, but he wiped them away quickly. He had skimmed through his replies for a couple minutes before shutting his laptop, and rubbing his baggy eyes.
He couldn't go to sleep when he should be editing a video. Phil was afraid of being resented more if he waited. So, with a heavy weight in his chest, Phil sat up.
He made his way to his other computer on his desk, and slumped into the chair. Phil decided to work on his unedited mess until it was finished so he could sleep easier that night.
A few hours later..
3:35AM. The bold clock lettering mocked him. The new video was almost finished, though. Although Phil caught himself starting to doze off every couple seconds, and had to strain his eyes once more to stay awake.
Phil was sore, and also hungry. He had forgotten to eat dinner. and lunch. And breakfast. He could've used some coffee right now, but he decided to give Dan the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his flatmate had gone to his own room to sleep already. Phil didn't want to wake him.
The brunette went back, and rewatched the video for the fourth time, trying to decide for the third time that night if he like it. Phil winced at the sound of his annoying voice. Then squirmed in his chair at his disproportionate, ugly features.
Shaking his head, he paused it, and minimized the tab. He'd never be finished with the editing at this point, but he couldn't help imagining who else would be pissed at him. Or even worse, recognize him more for who he really was if he didn't.
Then, Phil was overcome with hacking coughs, roughly tearing at his parched throat. The YouTuber groaned, rubbing his face, and retreating underneath the dark refuge of his desk to hack there.
Phil wasn't entirely sure how long this went on for. All he was sure of was that his eyes were watering, and his throat ached by the time he could breathe again. Then, a rapping knock sounded from outside his door. "Phil? Are you awake..? I can hear you all the way from the living room," Dan's worried voice sounded, muffled outside the door.
Phil squeezed his tired eyes shut, waves of unjust grief washing over him. So Dan was awake. They both knew the YouTuber had trouble sleeping at night. Maybe if he had checked in on him instead of editing the stupid-
"Open the door, Phil. You can't hide in there forever," Dan interrupted. More jiggling of the doorknob sounded for a few seconds before it ceased, and the padded footfalls faded. Phil was aware of his unleveled breathing now, more concerned of his flatmate finding him so pathetic.
For a moment, Phil even thought his friend had left, before the footsteps returned, and a key was unlocking his door. The older stifled a whimper and tried to make himself look smaller, which, of course, was a pretty useless plan to begin with. While Phil's anxiety worsened, the door creaked open, and light flooded into the room.
"Philly? Wait, where are- Phil?" Dan's padded footsteps ceased where the YouTuber was still curled up underneath the desk. There was no hiding now, and he knew it. Dan could just make out his friend's shaking form underneath the desk. The most he saw was slightly illuminated by the computer screen. "Hey, hold on." And Dan's form was gone again, and the large lamp next to his bed was switched on.
Phil grimaced and hid his face in his pulled up knees from the sudden brightness. Yet, Dan seemed to be used to it, and quickly made his way back to Phil's curled up form. At the sight of his friend, guilt surged through him. The brunette was curled up, arms hiding his face, and shaking.
"Phil, what's wrong?" Dan asked softly, kneeling down on his knees. The older heaved a dry sob and wiped his eyes with his hands, shaking his head. "You weren't editing a video, were you?" When Phil made no sign to respond, he sighed.
Dan got down beside Phil and wrapped his arms around his friend's shaking frame, despite the awkward position. Phil stifled a gasp as Dan hugged him, dragging him into his lap as well. The difference Dan made effected him immediately. It surrounded Phil in a warmth he caved into without question.
It seemed to be just fine with the latter, who pulled him closer still. Phil couldn't believe how good Dan was at pretending to care. "Dan," the brunette choked, and was sobbing into his friends shoulder. Chest heaving, wrenching sobs that he couldn't stop.
But this still didn't seem to bother Dan. In fact, he rubbed comforting circles into Phil's back, and whispered sweet nothings in his ear as he just let him cry. Phil didn't hold back, either. All the pent up frustration and pain of the last month just came tumbling out on Dan's shoulder as they held each other tight.
And Phil knew he would leave after this was over, so who was he to stall? It was about ten minutes later that Phil began to calm down, leaving him a pathetic, trembling mess in Dan's arms.
The first words that left the brunette's mouth was an apology. "S-Sorry, sorry. I got y-your shirt we-et," he sniffled, pushing himself off of Dan's shoulders. The YouTuber just stared, and pulled him back. "Phil, hey." Dan patted Phil's cheek as he avoided his gaze. "I could care less about the stupid shirt. Okay? What's wrong?"
The brunette could just meet Dan's wide brown eyes without bursting into tears again. Phil wiped his eyes and laughed dryly, shaking his head. "Pf, you don't c-care. You're jus' lying to p-pity me. It's always b-been like t-that. You don't h-have to make up e-excuses to be my friend a-anymore."
Dan looked like he was about to cry himself. "Wh- you were being serious earlier, weren't you?" Phil sniffed and hid his face in Dan's shoulder. "But it is! You w-would be much better o-off without me. No-no amount of-of recognition you h-have now was c-contributed because of me. I'm a-a useless twat, Dan. In fact, I'll kick m-myself out now so you w-won't have to."
Phil shifted to get up, but Dan was having none of it. The wide eyed man pulled Phil back, and held on as if he were afraid he'd disappear right in front of him. "God, Phil. No. No, you're wrong," Dan asserted, his voice cracking. "How long have you thought this? Whatever triggered you- those assholes on the Internet, or-or YouTube, they're so fucking wrong."
Phil's bloodshot eyes bored into Dan's. The brunette held his breath, waiting for the 'but-'. "Phil, your imperfections are what make you perfect. Your dopey smiles are what light up the entire fucking room. Your stupid jokes, and the way you always make everyone smile on the shittiest days.. I get lost in your eyes, Phil. I know you don't realise, but you're perfect the way you are," Dan finished.
Tears were streaming down Phil's cheeks now, and he was having breathing problems. His arms were hooked around Dan's neck the next second so sudden the desk jolted. The brunette couldn't believe what Dan had just told him, holding his hand so tight it was like he was making a promise.
A moment later, the younger pulled back and cleared tear tracks from Phil's face with the pad of his thumb. The brunette was a trembling, shocked mess in Dan's arms. All the while clinging to him like glue as his flatmate's wide brown eyes bore into Phil's.
The older wouldn't exactly meet Dan's eyes, and was (accidentally) nosing his cheek as a headache swept over him. "Phil?" Dan muttered a few minutes later as he still hadn't said anything. "Hey, Phil. Talk to me." Phil was still hugging Dan as he patted him on the cheek.
"I'm-I'm sorry. All these-th-these people, they w-were-" Phil could barely hold it together. Not any longer before he was being brought into another hug. How had he gotten so lucky, holy Hell. Dan rubbed his friend's back, and whispered sweet nothings into his neck. "Shh, it's okay. S'okay, Phil. You don't have to think like that anymore. Not while I'm here. Jus' tell me how long," Dan cooed as he met Phil's eyes.
The brunette squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "Four, um, four weeks, I think." Phil felt Dan tense in his arms and his breath hitch. The brunette was about to console his flatmate himself when something happened. Dan sniffled, and then he was leaning in.
Phil's eyes were wide with shock, and he found himself to be paralysed. Then Dan's lips pressed against his shyly. Phil stifled a gasp, but he didn't pull away. Neither did Dan. In fact, the older leaned in to the kiss and wrapped his arms around Dan's neck.
Out of the last four months, Phil has never felt happier. His heart felt like it was exploding. And his tummy was alive with butterflies. As if fearing he'd break him, Dan caressed Phil's jaw, and tangled his fingers in his hair. Phil sighed happily against Dan's mouth.
They finally separated only when they were panting for air. Phil didn't get a single word out. "I love you," Dan panted, his brown doe eyes glimmering. They were pressed so close together, Phil could feel Dan's hot breath against his cheek.
The brunette found himself overjoyed, and a bit unable to breathe. "I-," Phil grinned.
"I love you too."
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