FicWad

It wasn't the heat or the musty air that made it miserable; it was the horrible stench. As more bodies began to pile up, so did the billows of black smoke into the air.

As another unconscious Killjoy was set aflame, I heard Poison curse beside me. The two of us were hidden from view behind a giant boulder not far from where all the action was taking place.

I tried to see him through his frame of tangled red hair, but he was more focused on the Draculoids. They didn't notice us as they continued dragging bodies.

Poison had his bandanna pulled up around his nose, with fear clear as day plastered on his face. It wasn't his fault that we had stumbled across a slaughterhouse in the middle of Zone 3. It was my great idea to turn around and scavenge around the area for more food and water.

As more screams echoed into the air, I heard Poison stifle a sob beside me. I turned my attention away from the inferno, and grabbed his hand. Poison's panicked gaze snapped to mine. I interlocked out hands, and tried to make what I wanted to say evident in my eyes.

Poison clenched his jaw, and squeezed his eyes shut. "Gee. Please, we have to go." I spoke so quietly I wasn't sure if he had heard me. All the sudden, the first voice that wasn't one of the desperate burning Killjoys only a few yards away sounded across the desert.

"We've got a breather here!"

Both of our gazes snapped in the direction of a Draculoid, kneeling on the sand. It seemed to be peering down at a woman, but it was too dark to make out.

"Then burn it!" Another retaliated. It has the voice of a girl that couldn't have been older than sixteen. My throat dried and my breath hitched in desperate means of responding. No, not here.

It was Poison who gripped my hand this time. I didn't stop though. My heart thrumming in my ears was too loud; too frantic. The Killjoy who was still struggling to be let free, the 'breather', was yanked up by Drac #1.

I didn't really pay mind when my partner's hands were hooked right around my forearm. Everything was moving too fast, and I couldn't tear myself away from the scene. Drac #2 grabbed a gas can with BLI's name written all over it nearby, and spilled more fuel for the evergrowing blaze.

On instinct, my muscles tensed. I needed to get out there; somehow. Before it was too late, I needed to- Poison yanked me back, catching me by surprise. My leg muscles seized frantically.

Too quickly, I sent us both tumbling back onto the cracked ground. I was aware of Gerard, up in a second, and hand clamped around my arm as he dragged me off the baked earth, and onto my knees. He might've been saying something, but I wasn't listening.

The flames rose higher than ever, like a flare shooting into the sky. That one living Killjoy was pleading. Then screaming. Howling in pain and agony that split my eardrums, and seemed to drone on for hours on end. The air was no longer musty, but reeked of burning flesh.

I wanted to go out there, torture those Draculoids for the murders they just committed. Those people didn't deserve to die like that. It was unfair. While zombies in the city lived the luxury life, the ones who knew what freedom really meant were ignored, and spit on like roadkill.

I felt Poison trying to pull me up to no avail. I made an attempt, but it was in vain. My breathing became frantic, and I was shaking. I couldn't get my legs to respond long enough to stand up anyways.

I was doing nothing but squirming in his arms, trying to wriggle free of Party's grip to give those assholes a piece of my mind. The Dracs were too preoccupied watching the bodies burn to notice our struggle. If it weren't for the massive inferno, we would be in the middle of a firefight right now.

Poison must've had enough, because he was pulling my face away from the wall of fire, and forced me to focus on him. I struggled to calm my ragged breathing, let alone focus on my partner.

Poison's hands were on my shoulders, and his mouth was moving. 'Trying to calm me down probably,' I thought as the cracking of burning bodies grew louder around me. All I could hear was my heartbeat pounding like a kick drum in my ears.

Then Poison was kissing me on the lips. I gasped, and instantly fell into them, the heat a white noise around me. Gerard's lips were hot and chapped against my own as I groped for my arms around his hips. It felt like something akin to an atomic bomb.

We had kissed before, but I knew I would never get used to it. It was over too fast though, and Poison was pulling me to my feet as soon as I could move them right.

I stumbled to my feet right after him. Then, Poison had gripped my hand tight, and we started running. Sprinting as fast as our legs could carry us back to the Trans-Am.
-
Poison stomped on the gas pedal as soon as the Am roared to life, and we were in our seats. We didn't speak a word, and for once I was grateful for the staticky broken car radio. My racing heart was finally beginning to slow, and I felt my throat close up as exhaustion began to sink in.

What the fuck just happened? We were watching all the death unfold, then I just.. Lost it. I had a panic attack in the middle of a slaughter-fire-whatever-the-fuck. Even as I ran it through my head a million more times back to Zone 4, I don't think what really happened had sunk into my head yet. A Killjoy had just burned to death in front of me. But no, I couldn't be strong, everything had to go spiraling out of control like it always did.

I almost got us killed. I almost got Gerard killed. With that in mind, I didn't glance Poison's way once the entire ride back. In fact, I just wanted to curl up in a ball, and disappear forever. But the only thing I could do then was stare out into the deserted fallout.

Hours later, Poison and I had met back with Kobra and Jet. Kobra's arms were pinned around his brother the next second, of course. I couldn't really blame him. When Jet, exasperated, asked where we were, Poison just shrugged and told him we got in a firefight. No big deal. I could hide how guilty I felt in the almost pitch darkness.

So when Jet had looked to me for confirmation, I nodded without a word. The three of them kind of looked at me before I shrugged, and turned to walk back inside.

Stepping through the doorway, I didn't grab a can a soupy dog food off the counter. Nor did I take off my army vest. It was best for everyone that I stay isolated for a long while. I couldn't deny to myself that I felt like an endangerment to my friends.

Like a child, I walked into the small storage-like room Poison and I were sharing while the four of us were crashing there. I didn't give too much attention to the grafitti and grime lining its walls. In fact, all that we really owned and kept in there was a mattress, and some comic books we kept when we stayed in different places. Among the other things people just left behind.

I needed a smoke, or to run away for awhile. But Poison was a crafty motherfucker after a situation like this. He'd catch me before I made it out the front door. With that in mind, I leaned against the back corner of the room, the slid down the wall until my ass was on the floor.

Poison would want to sleep soon enough, and it would be nowhere next to me. My carelessness had almost gotten both of us killed. What would Kobra and Jet have done? Mikey would overdose again, that's what.

For a fleeting second, my chest ached, and I pulled my knees up a bit more in submission. Poison. Gerard almost died, and it was because of me. My fault. I couldn't be strong like Jet or Kobra. Not even when it was the most important thing.

I had known him for what, almost eight years now? I loved him more than anything in the world, and I almost got him burned or shot down because of my own stupidity. Because I couldn't control a damn panic attack. You already got your entire family burned to death, you must be good at it.

ShutupshutupSHUTUP

I clenched my fists close to my chest, and my breaths were coming out ragged and quick. Stupid Dracs, stupid Better Living, stupid fucking brain. Maybe if I made myself small enough I'd be able to disappear. But nothing happened.

The silence ate away at my head, and I wouldn't let myself stop thinking about Gerard dying and screaming for help. His body nothing but charred remains. Ray and Mikey leaving me behind. Behind all alone. Dead, you would be dead because THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

Poom! My fist slammed into the wall. I suppressed a groan as pain spiked up my hand. Fuck. I brought my shaking hand up to my face to examine it. The knuckles were split and scratched. But not bleeding.

The guys had to have heard that. They're have ears, and the place where I punched the wall nearly went straight through. Fuck. A few tense seconds passed before I could breathe again. The same muffled sound of conversation never stopped. No one was coming, thank fuck.

I sighed in quiet desperation and let my head fall against the side wall. Why couldn't I just vanish? It would make people far better off. I was sure. For minutes on end, I kept my eyes shut. And totally not wallowing in my own self pity.

I would be fine. Poison and I never had to talk about how cowardly I was. He would never have to convince himself that I wasn't a train wreak. I wou- Footfalls sounded down the hallway, interrupting my thoughts so suddenly I jolted.

I didn't have much time to think of a place to hide before someone rapped on the failing wood. "Ghoul?" Party. Shit. I huddled in on myself as the door creaked opened to reveal my partner. Because of my stupid eyesight, I couldn't see his expression. Which didn't help the situation at all from my point of view.

Sighting my form, Poison closed the door behind him, and padded towards me quietly. He must've taken off his jacket and boots earlier. But to my surprise, he didn't seem angry, or at all upset. Poison sat down beside me Indian style with a confused look on his face.

"Hey," he greeted, and laced my hand with the one I hadn't punched into the wall. I looked at him with my good eye. "Hey," I murmered so quiet I wasn't sure if Poison had heard me.

My lover sighed in the stillness, and dragged me into his lap once he was sitting against the wall. I guess I was still small enough for him to do that. My mouth was agape as Poison embraced me. He was still alive. Gerard was still as warm and breathing as always.

My arms found their place hooked around Poison's neck like a second nature. I hugged him as close as I could, and Poison did the same. Breathing. I ignored the throbbing in my fist. "Frankie." I sucked in a breath as my partner's voice broke through the silence.

I made some kind of disgruntled humming noise, and buried my head in his neck. I was not going to cry. "Hey, hey look at me." I squeezed my eyes shut and looked at him. Poison's eyes were red and irritated from the smoke, I noticed, and the color looked like it matched his hair.

Party met my eyes and looked like he was trying to say something, but he was conflicted. On instinct, I shifted back a little. My fault. Poison unfortunately knew me too well. "Frankie, it's okay," my friend assured, and kissed me on the cheek. I bit the inside of my cheek and looked down.

When he saw I wasn't looking up at him, Poison tilted my head up. "I wanted to ask you something, and apologize." Finally, I perked up a little, and let out a breath I didn't notice I had been holding. I must've looked pitiful. "Listen," Poison pecked me softly on the lips. He tasted like old cigarettes.

"I-I should've listened to you when you said to leave, I just, I needed to see. What those Dracs, for myself I guess, I dunno. And w-" I couldn't take it anymore, and slammed my lips into Gerard's. My boyfriend yelped in surprise, and kissed back. "Gee, Gee-" I pressed closer. "Why're you- It's fuckin' not-" Poison moaned loudly in my mouth as pressed him against the wall and I pulled back. His cheeks were flustered and beautiful.

"Don't be sorry, it's, not your fault. If you think so, you're fucking stupid," I blurted out without a plan. Party raked his fingers through my tangled hair.

"Fuck, you, fuck," my partner sighed, and kissed the side of my mouth. My breathing was still shaky, and it wasn't from the kiss.

"No, I am. I'm fucking sorry as Hell, Frankie. Remember, I dragged you out there-"

"So?" I interrupted. "I made us stay, and it almost got you killed. And you would be fucking dust too because of me." As soon as my voice began to quake, I had to bite my tongue.

Party gazed through me sympathetically, and I wondered if he noticed the way he was holding me tighter. He was probably too busy watching tears pricking at my eyes.

"Frank, what-what do you mean 'too'?" Poison questioned, his voice soft. I squeezed my eyes shut and just leaned into his embrace. He would hate me. I hate me. If this is what remembering the past was gonna be like, I would never had have stuck around to live it in the first place.

Poison gave in, and we just sat in a cramped corner hugging for a few minutes until I manned up enough to say anything at all. "My fault." I felt my partner shaking his head.

"No. Fuck no. I don't know why-why you would, but it's not. You panicked out there, Frankie. But that was, wasn't fucking right, even by those assholes' standards." Poison's sentences got a bit shaky for him as well, and I almost though we were both about to bawl our eyes out for a moment.

When my love stayed silent for another long moment, I sighed. "People, okay?" Poison looked at me with a confused expression plastered on his face.

"I just-just don't let Kid or Jet know. They were close, uh, to me. C-Close people who burned to death b-because of me." My voice got so quiet and shaky, I feared Poison couldn't hear me, which he proved wrong with ease. He nodded as if he were keeping an oath or something.

"I won't." And then he was holding my jaw and kissing me passionately on the lips. I sighed and let my eyes float closed as I leaned into his tender touch. Still breathing.

Gerard moaned softly as I nibbled his lip, and I knew I didn't deserve to hear it. But a moment later, all my coherent thoughts flew out the window. Poison tugged at my messy hair and pushed my vest off my shoulders beside us. I whined and pulled back a little with one hand on his slender hip and the other under his chin. "S-Sorry, I-" I shook my head and kissed him again, the both of us too warm and out of breath.

I bit his jaw and Poison squirmed under me. "I love you," I whimpered into his neck, and I knew I didn't deserve it. It felt so fucking amazing to have him and kiss, to fucking joke around and help patch his wounds and

"'Love you too, Frankie." My breath hitched as Poison whispered into my hair. "So fucking in love with you sugar." I moaned at his words and then pulled me by my hair up to eagerly meet my lips.

"Fuck." was the first thing I panted as I met his eyes again and just fuck. "Please believe me, Frank. None of this shit is on you," Poison stated.

"Even if, no matter how guilty you feel about it, you can't change the past. M'kay?" Party gazed into my eyes for an answer. Maybe he was right, but no matter how far behind me the past got, it would never let me forget.

"Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay." I didn't wanna think or talk about this for a long time.

"What, um, what did you tell Jet and Kobra after I got all weird?" I asked with no real plan. Poison rolled his eyes and cradled my body close to his. "You're not weird," he sighed fondly.

"I told Jet not to worry 'bout it. You don't have to say anything if you don' want to," he smiled. I breathed in relief and stifled a giggle. Gerard's face was flushed red and he had the stupidest lopsided smile I'd ever seen.

"I love you," I restated. I never wanted to stop saying it. Poison grinned and pecked me on the nose. "Ditto."

Gerard groped for one of my hands to hold, and I cringed at the touch. Party was confused until he studied my fist. "Fuck, Frank." I cringed again for a different reason.

Poison looked back up at me with my throbbing fist held up limply between us. "Were you-you punched the wall didn't you?" He sighed and kissed the scratched skin. I closed my eyes in relaxation and nodded. It was stupid to think I'd be able to hide it; especially from Gerard.

"Yeah, I, I was pissed off at myself," I mumbled and leaned against him for more support. My friend pecked every one of my tattooed knuckles, and pressed his lips to mine gently.

"Mhm, if you wanna take your mind off all this shit, we can do something super cheesy like lay on the hood of the Am and look for stars." Gerard offered all that in one breath. I snorted and tried to hide my childish grin.

"So now you're a gentleman?" I raised an eyebrow. "Only for you, baby," he winked. I will never understand how Poison always found a way to cheer me up.