FicWad

I’d like to say that things got better from here. They didn’t, no matter how hard I tried to pretend that they did. Mikey and I met each other all over the compound in secret trying to avoid Frank and Bob and whomever else might be reporting back to Gerard. We partied harder each night, and paid for it in the morning. We woke up in random rooms all across the compound, if we were lucky. A few times we woke up freezing cold and soaking wet on the banks of the lake, or under trees in the greens that made up the edges before the giant metal walls.

At first it was a game, trick the older brother and have a good time. It continued after we returned to school. Sneaking out under the bleachers, getting completely wasted and playing kickball on the baseball diamond. Soon we were the highlight of every rager and pill party on campus and off. After one night of hardcore drinking and some hilariously bad karate moves, Mikey earned the name Karate Kid, which we shortened to simply Kid.
We started skipping classes until the day came that we were called to the administrative building. Gerard and Ray were there looking angry. Mikey and I were placed on academic probation, and Gerard and Ray were given a dressing down for not keeping us in check. We had 30 days to get our acts straightened out, or we’d be kicked out of school.
The four of us walked in silence. I felt utterly humiliated. Mikey looked like he might cry. Ray spoke first, “Mikey, you are not to go anywhere near Sam. Do you understand me? Any minute that you’re not in class, I want you in my room. You will catch up on all the work you’ve missed and you will walk the straight and narrow.” Mikey nodded but didn’t speak.
“So, that’s how it goes? I’m the bad guy now?” I pouted.
“Sam,” Gerard said, quietly, “You just do whatever the fuck you want. I give up.” The three of them walked away, leaving me behind.
“Fine!” I shouted after them. “I don’t need you anyways. I never needed you.” But it sounded hollow, even to me.

I started drinking alone in my room while I tried to catch up on my school work. I did pretty well. I felt like I could take on the world. My friends had betrayed me, but I was strong I could do this. I completed my work each night and drank myself to sleep.

One night after our academic probation was up, Mikey knocked on my door. Reluctantly, I let him in. I was already half drunk and feeling morose.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t have a choice.” I hugged him and we spent the rest of the night drinking. In the morning we went to class hungover.

During the day, Mikey wouldn’t talk to me. There always seemed to be one of the guys around. They stood like a fence between us. Frank wouldn’t look me in the eye, but the others glared at me like I was the villain, but at night, Mikey would come to my room or I’d sneak out to his. We’d drink and carry on. Until one night....

Mikey came to my room late, it was after midnight. I’d given up on waiting for him hours ago and had been drinking alone. A heady mix of sedatives and booze coursed through my veins. Mikey was eager to catch up. We were talking about something, drunken ramblings that would seem so deep as you spoke them but were gibberish, and the next thing I knew we were kissing. Mikey pulled away from me, smiling at first but a look of horror shuttered his face. He shoved me away. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.”
He never came to my room at night again. I was utterly alone.

I stopped partying. I don’t mean that I stopped drinking or the drugs. I just stopped going to parties. I stayed in my room whenever I wasn’t in class. The more I drank, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more I drank, the more drugs I took to chase away the pain. I went to class drunk. I’d sit in the cafeteria and see the guys eating lunch and fooling around. Their happiness was like a knife to the heart. I drank more. I ate less. I blacked out a lot.

In the midst of one blackout I came too, standing on the edge of the roof of the tallest building on campus. How easy it would be to jump. To just end it all. I thought to myself. Horrified, I threw myself backward away from the edge I landed on my back in the gravel that covered the roof top. Bleary eyed and staggering, I walked across the campus. I stumbled up the stairs of one of the dorms, and tripped up the stairs. When I found the door I was after, I pounded on it, not caring whom I awoke.

Gerard answered the door in his boxers and a t-shirt. He looked half asleep until he saw me. Anger clouded his features as soon as he saw who had awoken him.

“Please, Gerard,”I sobbed. “I need help.” He shook his head and lead me into his room. I spent the night sobbing into his shoulder. He held me and let me cry as I told him that I just couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t want to live anymore. I passed out at some point. I don’t remember what Gerard said to me that night, if he said anything at all.

When I woke up the next morning, Gerard was sitting in the chair across from his couch. He was watching me.
“I’m sorry.” I said, my voice still rough from sleep.
He held up his hand to stop me. “Did you mean it when you said that you can’t live like this anymore?”
I nodded.
“Then I’ll help you.”
“Thank you.”
He shook his head. “Don’t thank me yet.” He got up and left the living room. He came back with one of his shirts and a pair of pajama pants. “First things first, go take a shower. you stink.”
I used his shower and let the warm water wash away my tears along with the stink of booze and vomit and days of not bathing. I came out dressed in his clothes and there was food laid out on the table.
“Eat.” was all he said.
I ate in silence terrified that at any second, he’d kick me out of his room and turn his back on me again. I jumped when someone knocked on the door.
Gerard answered it, holding it open wide so Mikey, Ray, and last of all Frank could enter the room. I shrank back against the couch cushions. Panic filled my mind. I drew my knees up to my chest. Mikey sat down next to me and I shrank away from him.
“You were right, Gerard. She’s a mess.” Ray said. For the first time since we returned from summer break, he didn’t look angry. He looked sad. Anger I could have dealt with, but the pitying look he gave me was too much. I started to cry silently, trying not to let them see.
“I don’t see why I’m here.” Frank spat out. Clearly he was still angry.
“I told you. It’s all or nothing. We either all help her, or we send her to the infirmary and they send her home. Those are the only options. You know the rules Frank.”
I looked up at Frank. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I really didn’t.”
Mikey reached out and rubbed my back. I flinched like I expected him to hit me. Mikey looked up at Gerard in shock. “You said once Frank, that we’d always be friends. If you didn’t mean it, I understand. I’ll go home, if that’s what you want.”

Everyone in the room stared at Frank. The anger crumbled away from him. “I meant it, Sammie. I’m sorry.” I threw myself off the couch and hugged him. All I’d ever wanted was my friends back. I’d never meant to hurt any of them, I loved them.

I was kept under constant watch. One of the guys was always with me. Gerard slept on my couch, or I slept in his room. Ray sat with me while I did my school work in the afternoons. Mikey and Frank followed me around all day to and from classes. The jovial nature of our previous relationship was gone. We obviously still cared about each other, but the joy we’d shared was gone. I wasn’t their friend anymore. I was their project, a misbehaving pet that needed constant correction and teaching. I grew quieter and quieter as the weeks stretched on. Being isolated in a group is worse than being alone.

One night, when Gerard showed up at my room, as had become our habit. I told him that I thought I was ready to spend the night alone. He nodded and left. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned tormented by the demons of my own making. I called Ray at 2 am. He came over and listened to me as I talked. He didn’t say much. Ray had never been much of a talker. I told him finally that I wanted to go home.
“I’ll handle it.” he said and he left.

The next morning Gerard showed up. He seemed agitated. He paced the room and couldn’t seem to figure out what to do with his hands.
“Ray says you want to go home.”
I nodded.
“Why, Sam? You’ve told me about your life there. Why would you want to go back?”
“Because, I think it’ll be better for me.” I told him honestly.
“How could it be? They don’t care about you, not like they should.”
“That’s exactly why. They don’t care about me, and I don’t care about them. I can’t stand feeling like the odd man out. I thought we were all friends, but I guess I ruined that. I appreciate all the help, but I think home is best.”
“But we do care, Sam, of course we do.”
I shook my head.
“No, you pity me and you walk around on eggshells all the time. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t hang with Mikey because we’re not allowed to be alone together. I can’t go into town and watch a movie without one of you with me. It would be fine if I felt like you wanted to be there, but it feels more like a being escorted by a prison guard, than a night out with friends, and I see you guys having fun around me and I just can’t watch that anymore. I know it’s my own fault. I’ve fucked up, big time, I get that.”
He held his hand up to stop me. “I’m so sorry, Sam. We never meant to make you feel that way. I’ll offer you a compromise. Give it two weeks. If things don’t change, I’ll pack your bags myself, and you can go home.”
I nodded, “Two weeks.”


Things did change, for the better. Gerard introduced us to the game, Magic and Mazes, a tabletop roleplaying game. We played two or three times a week. Gerard still spent a lot of nights with me, but it was usually because we were up late watching movies or talking. One day, no one showed up to walk me to class, and no one freaked out over it later. It was nice being trusted again.