FicWad

This is it, this is my final goodbye. I'm sick and tired of all this pain and this hatred I feel. It's a love hate relationship, we either love one another or we're at each other's necks. He's been so distracted lately, not wanting love from me and not wanting comfort. He's bitter now, cold and bitter. I can see it's reflecting onto me.

I can remember one night he went out for a drink, didn't come back until midday the next day. Where had he been, what had he done? I didn't know, he wouldn't talk to me about it.

Why can't you see?
I'm not so real anymore
I just haven't been me
Since you walked out that door

I can't help but still love him. I chose him to love until the end of all time, and I just think sometimes that he doesn't want me anymore, not like I want him. He'll shout and he'll yell at me but I'll still love him. Am I a stress toy to him? What am I to him?

All this yelling gets to me, all this love he's throwing back to me, messes me up. I don't know what to think now. I know I still love him, but I have to wonder if he loves me back. I wonder whether he sees what he's doing to me.

Why are your eyes shut?
When you told me they were open
I know you lie to me but
I can't stop you, I'm broken

Perhaps he doesn't care anymore. When I break down crying, he leaves me until my sobs annoy him too much. He'll shout at me again, I know he will; he always does. He doesn't even ask what's the matter with me, why I'm crying. Later, he tells me he loves me and that he truly does care about me, but I see through these lies of his. I know he doesn't love me anymore, and he doesn't care for me at all.

I can tell he was lying to me all along. He would accuse me of loving another, and then would guess who it was. Always thinking it was a member of our band. I don't understand where all of this came from. He knows I love him. I tell him it every day when we wake up, I tell him several times during the day and again before we go to bed at night, if he's staying at my place. Those times are few and far between now though. He prefers to be alone. Space for his head he will say, I don't believe him.

Maybe it is he who is having an affair, maybe it is he who is being unfaithful and is trying to get me to leave; cowardice, trying to make me leave for fear of hurting my feelings. If he actually cared like he said he did, he would know that I'm hurting inside anyway.

Why do you tell me you care?
False accusations of love!
As if you would dare,
You'll never rise above

There may still be some hope for us, though it is only a flickering flame now. There may still be some warmth within his freezing heart, the kisses. Do they show his love for me? Or are they all for show? All for the rest of the band to see and believe, to make them think that we are still in love. Is it for the rest of the world to see and think that our relationship is adorable, that the two of us being in love is cute? I'm not sure, but each and every kiss sends my mind into a frenzy of questions. What did this kiss mean this time? Is he happy with me, is he going to shout at me tonight? Is he going to talk to me at all? All it takes is a phone call, but I don't think he even has that much love for me in his heart. So many questions, so much wonder and so many worries, so much pain.

He will never see how much he is hurting me. I can't take the pain inside anymore, so now there is pain on the outside. It is not equal, I still hurt more inside, but I cannot let him see. Perhaps his frigidness is working to my advantage. He never has to see me naked, never has to know the horrors he is inflicting upon me. I love him too much to let him know. But still I ask why.

Why do you torture me like this?
Killing me softly now
With something so simple as a kiss
Sometimes I wonder how

I stayed late after rehearsals that evening, to run some lyrics past our manager and discuss the photo shoot for the album artwork. What it was going to be like, how we wanted it all set out. After our chat, I went on my way home, back to the apartment that Kaoru sometimes shared with me, hoping he would be there for a change, the flames crackling tenderly behind the grate. I doubted it though; he was probably at home or on the phone doing band leader stuff.

I often passed a quaint café on my way home from the practice studio and sometimes went in to grab a coffee. I would sit there many an hour, drinking coffee and writing lyrics, the marvellous lyrics that our fans adored.

I was humming away a riff that Kaoru had come up with during that day's rehearsals when I saw them. Sitting there in that quaint little café I adored, their fingers intertwined with one another's. Kaoru and Die were together, holding hands and sharing coffee together. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, so stood there, eyes wide with shock until they saw me.

Kaoru jumped from his seat, pulling his hands from Die's and running after me as I hurried off home. I couldn't believe he would do this to me.

"Kyo, Kyo wait!" he shouted after me. I wasn't listening to him. How could I believe anything that he said to me now? He had said he loved me and that he still cared, but obviously I was wrong to listen. He loved Die and was using me as a cover-up.

But I've seen through your game
And I know I was right
I know you're just the same
So it's time to say goodnight

I run into my apartment, unlocking and locking the door with great speed. I sunk down onto my haunches, head in hands and crying silently. It seemed I had forgotten that I had given Kaoru a key to the apartment as I soon heard the door being unlocked and opening to me.

"Kyo, I can explain." I said, his face stricken with shame.

"NO!" I yelled to him, "No, there'll be no need for explanations." I didn't look at him at that point, to afraid of what I might see. Would I see the kind and loving man I had fallen in love with, or would I see the frightening, bitterly cold man I now knew? I wasn't sure "Just get whatever stuff you have here and leave Kaoru, I don't care that you're with him, just go."

And so he did as I told him to. He went through to the bedroom and retrieved a rucksack left there from the summer we had spent together; found the things he could fit into the bag and left, telling me he would be back for the rest on another day.

I know this is how you kill me
This is your torture device
I know I was blind, could not see
That this is your torture device

So it's finally over, he's no longer mine. Do I care? Yes, I care very much, for he is the man I love and the man who my heart is eternally devoted to. I'm not sure I will ever recover from this.

There is one place where I know I can escape to, but I won't. There'll be no coming back from there and I know I need to show him I am stronger than that. I need to let him know that he didn't completely break me down, even though he did break me. Maybe one day he will realise that I meant something to him, though I think not. And maybe one day he will tell me he still loves me and that Die was just a fling brought on by confusion.

I doubt it though, so I just continue with my life. We will be a band still, though how long is undetermined. We all promise each other and ourselves that so long as there are five of us in this band, we will be a band. If one person left, Dir en Grey will be no more.

I think I can get over him. We have history, but more importantly, we have a friendship. There are five of us in the band and I'm not about to let the other four members down by quitting the band or life. I'm here to stay.

So stop playing me
You can't hurt me anymore,
I'm immune to your attacks
You and your torture device