FicWad

I handed off all the information to Doctor D the next weekend. I felt bad sneaking off in the middle of they guys’ show, but my routine was well known. I wish I’d thought to start taking random trips around town before I became involved with the Killjoys but it was too late for that now. Doctor D advised me to further conceal my identity when I traveled to see him.
Somethings were getting harder and harder to come by lately. Simple things that we’d always taken for granted; batteries, computer parts, radios, hair dye, makeup, birth control, cigarettes, alcohol, canned food, chocolate, first aid spray, and paper. A black market in these items of course sprang up, so did counterfeits. The counterfeits proved to be dangerous even deadly at times, and very few people could afford the prices demanded by the black market.
It took some doing, and most of the money I’d saved to assemble my secret identity. The black cargo pants and a black knit tank top were easy to get. The silver/gray hair extensions were much harder. Show Pony managed to find the silver lace up boots I wanted, I asked him how but Show Pony didn’t answer not that I expected him to, I’d never heard him speak. Two silver vinyl belts with makeshift holsters were surprisingly easy to find. I found a neoprene half mask painted to look like the lower half of a skull on the floor after one of the guys’ shows, a silver paint marker was all it took to make it perfect. By far the hardest item to procure was the black eyeliner. What used to cost about a dollar now cost well over 100. Taking such a large amount out of my account at once would have drawn suspicion. I had to slowly withdraw the money in keeping with my usual spending habits, 10 to 20 dollars at a time. Even after I had the money, waiting for a zonerunner to actually find what I wanted took time.
After a particularly nasty encounter with a Ritalin Rat, I started carrying a laser blaster. The streets were getting more and more dangerous every day. It wasn’t just the Ritalin Rats either, but the streets would suddenly fill with Pigs. More and more people took to concealing their identities when out on the streets. It was too dangerous between the Pigs and the flies to walk around even in broad daylight, even if your task was totally legal or mundane.

While assembling my costume, I continued to gather what information I could from Umbrella’s computers. Umbrella was quite pleased that while I had ‘no memory’ my intellect was not all affected by ‘my condition’. They wasted no time in putting me back to work under the guise of work study on top of my usual classes.
I siphoned information from the computers and stored them on a micro drive that Doctor D would periodically empty for me before sending me out to get even more information.

The guys’ band was doing well. They were playing better venues in Battery City. Soon word spread that a foreign talent scout was watching them. Sneaking out of their shows was becoming more and more difficult for me. They were playing further and further away from the Killjoy Sympathizers that I relied on to hold my gear for me. I couldn’t be seen suddenly carrying a backpack when I hadn’t before. The trips were taking me away for longer and longer periods of time. Ray covered for me when he could, but I knew Gerard or Mikey was bound to notice at some point.

My relationship with Gerard was weird to say the least. About halfway through the school year, I’d told him that I loved him. I’d never seen him happier, but he continued to walk on eggshells around me. We’d hang out and watch movies like always but he’d leave as soon as the others did. No more sharing a bed, no more love making, no more waking up in his arms in the morning. I couldn’t tell him that I noticed a change. I wasn’t supposed to be able to remember the past, but it bothered me.

One night Franks and I were sitting on the bleachers, enjoying the warm spring night. Just talking and wasting time before we went to bed.
“Hey Frank, can I ask you something? A personal type something?”
“Sure, Sammie, what’s on your mind?”
“Well, you know that I don’t remember anything that happened before I woke up in the hospital.”
“Yeah.” He seemed to tense suddenly.
“Can you tell me what Gerard and I were like, before that?”
Frank sighed and leaned back against the riser behind us. “Jesus, Sammie, I’m probably the worst person to ask.”
I realised my faux pas. I’d been so wrapped up in Gerard, and the Killjoys that it had literally slipped my mind that Frank and I had dated, but it was too late now. All I had wanted to know was if Gerard seemed different to him too.
“Why? I mean, You said I’ve known you since our first year here, you had to have been around.” Oh how I hated myself for doing this to him.
“Because,” He paused. “I know you don’t remember, and we’ve all kind of decided not to talk about the bad times, but.” He stopped and ran his hands nervously through his hair. “Listen, Sam, we dated. You and I.”
“I’m sorry, Frank. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“No, you deserve to know.” He took my hand in his. “It was great, until it wasn’t. It turned into a really bad time for both of us, and it was all my fault. I messed up. I got jealous and I ruined everything. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for a long time, but I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

What the hell was he talking about? That’s what happened at all.
“I’m sure it wasn’t all your fault, Frank. That’s not how relationships work. It takes two, you know. I must have done something too.”

“There’s something you don’t know. This is so hard to tell you.”

“Really, you don’t have to. Whatever it is, I’m sure I’d have forgiven you.”

He shook his head. “No, I need to tell you, if you’ll listen.”
I nodded. If he needed to tell me his version of what happened, I’d listen. I knew that what had gone on between us was all my fault.

“So, I said that we had dated.” I couldn’t tell if he lost his train of thought or if he was hesitating. “We were together most of our first year here and part of our summer break. We were sent to the Arklay Mountains. It was nice at first. We taught you how to swim. We’d hang out during the day and at night we’d sit around the fire pits and play music or tell stories. It was just the three of us, you, me and Mikey. Then they expected us to work during the day. We were assigned to different labs and we spent less and less time together. You started hanging out with the party kids. I knew it, in a vague kind of way, but it didn’t bother me much. I’d hung out with them a few times before the summer. Anyways, Mikey found this chick he liked. We grew apart, all of us. I didn’t really think it was a big deal.”

He paused again, my hand still in his. He sat there for a moment, staring at the back of my hand as if the rest of his tale was written on it.

“Anyways, we were drinking one night, the three of us. I don’t remember how it came about, but by the end of the night Mikey was trashed. We decided to stay in his room. You were nearly as wasted as he was by the time we climbed into bed. At first all three of us were in Mikey’s bed but he decided that laying on the bathroom floor would make the room stop spinning.”

He looked up at me with pleading eyes. “This is where it gets embarrassing. We were snuggling in his bed. I can still remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms.” he sighed then and it torn at my heart. I really wished I’d thought harder before asking him. “ We were kissing, making out, you know that kind of thing. My memory is a bit blurry. I was pretty drunk that night. The next thing I knew, we were both naked. I remember thinking, Finally we get to the sex! Immature I know.”

I could feel the heat my cheeks gave off as I blushed. I really didn’t remember any of this, but I shrugged.
“You were 16, none of us were very mature then.”

“It gets worse.” He looked away from me. “We were fooling around and you called me Gerard. I realize now that you were so drunk that you didn’t really know what was going on. You passed out soon after that. If I hadn’t been so drunk, I never would have touched you like that. I fell asleep but I was pretty hurt. When we first woke up, I really didn’t remember the night before. I was shocked by your careless attitude towards sex, but I would have handled it much better if I hadn’t remembered you calling me ...his name the night before. I was mean and you didn’t deserve it. I kept thinking that you’d have remembered what had happened, that it would have been special to you if I had been him. I called Gerard after I left. I told him everything and I let him think that we’d slept together. I knew it would hurt him and that he was innocent in all of this but I did it anyways.”

I wanted to be mad at him. I tried to be angry, but it seemed so long ago and so unimportant when you considered all that had happened since.

“I forgive you Frank. You were hurt and you lashed out. We all do that sometimes.”

He shook his head sadly. “No, after that you and Mikey really got out of control. You two were almost kicked out of school, and then Mikey wasn’t allowed to be around you. You went into a downward spiral. We used to sit across from you in the lunch room or in classes and I could see that you were hurting. It made me happy. I wanted you to feel like I’d felt that night. After a while the anger turned into bitterness and hating you became a habit. I don’t think I was even really mad anymore, it just became normal.” He pushed away from me, sliding further down the seat. “And then one morning, Gerard called. I was with Mikey. He told us that you were with him. I mocked him for taking you back, I called him pussy whipped.”
I cringed. I’d always hate that particular phrase.
“I know, I was terrible. He ignored me. He told us that you’d showed up at his room the night before completely wasted and suicidal. He was really worried about you. Mikey asked where you were and when he said you were in the shower, I said that it hadn’t taken him long to get you naked. He got really serious then. I could tell that I’d gone too far. He called me a cold hearted bastard. He reminded me that despite how angry I was, as far as he could see all you’d done was gotten drunk and had sex with me, and he didn’t really see why that was something to be a complete douche about. Before that comment, he’d always respected my feelings even if he didn’t understand them. Then he said we were either all on board to help you or he’d have to turn you over to the administration and they’d send you home.”

He slid closer to me and grabbed my shoulders tightly. “I went there intending to bail on you. You have to understand, Sammie. I had been so hurt. I wanted you to go home. I saw you sitting on the couch, Gerard’s clothes nearly swallowing you up. You looked so small and so frail. I started to feel bad, but I reminded myself how much you had hurt me. Then you flinched away from Mikey like he might hurt you, and I cracked. You and Mikey always had such a special bond. You two were like twins. To see you react like that, I just couldn’t keep it up. When you reminded me that I’d said we’d always be friends, I realized that I was the bad guy.”

I couldn’t speak. It hurt to know that he’d actually hated me.

“I thought we were good friends. I didn’t realize you’d ever hated me.” I whispered.

“I didn’t, not really. I hated me. I hated the jealousy that was eating me up inside, but I didn’t want to admit that it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t really do anything.” He sighed in frustration. “I’m explaining this poorly. I never really hated you. I hated me, the monster that I’d become, but I took it out on you. The others, they didn’t notice what was happening to you. I did. I should have said something to them.”
I nodded, I was still so shocked by all of this.
“Just stick with me, okay? After that morning, when I was forced to really think about how I felt, I realized that I still loved you.”
“You did?” I squeaked out.
He laughed. “I did. I kept waiting for the right moment to tell you, but it never worked out. At first we were never alone. It was always you, me, and Mikey. Then after it was always you and Gerard. I figured if I just waited long enough, my moment would come, but I was wrong. Long after things were back to normal it was always you and him. Anyways, that’s not important now.”

“I appreciate you telling me, Frank. I really do forgive you.”

He hugged me tightly. “Thank you. I know I don’t deserve it.”

“Of course you do, Frank. You’ve been a great friend since the accident. I don’t think any of us would have made it through without you.” I meant it to. For days it was Frank that made everyone laugh, who reassured me and our friends that I’d be fine.

“That’s the problem you know.” He brushed a strand of hair off of my cheek. “Between you and Gerard, I mean. He was so scared when we found out that you’d been hurt. We really thought that we were going to lose you. He’s still afraid. Life's too short as is and your accident, it really hit him hard. He’s still terrified that he’ll wake up one morning and you’ll be gone.”

I laughed, “I’m not going anywhere. not by choice anyways.”

“That’s the point, Sam. You don’t always get a choice.” he said seriously.

“You’re right, Frank, but we can make the most of the time we do have. My father wasted the time we could have had together, I’m not going to do the same thing.”

I was rushing down the bleachers to find Gerard when Frank called out to me. “Samara Winters, I...”

I started to turn back to him, but he said, “Nevermind, I’ll talk to you later.”
I waved goodbye to him and grabbed my phone to text Gerard.

I paced my room. Gerard should be here any minute now. He said he was just across the campus when I texted him. I was so nervous. I wanted this to go well. I needed him to understand that while our time may be short, we needed to make the most of it.
He looked nervous when he arrived.
“Relax, I just want to talk to you.”
“I know. That’s why I’m so nervous.” He fidgeted a lot. Putting his hands in his pockets and taking them back out again.
I patted the seat next to me on the couch “Come sit down. You’re making me nervous.”
He sat down reluctantly. He looked like he was about to jump up and bolt from the room.
“Listen, I’ve been talking with the Frank. I thought something was off about our relationship. I talked to him about the past and he confirmed what I thought. Why are things so weird between us?”

“What do you mean weird?” He was looking down at his shoes.

“Weird as in we never spend any time alone. Ever. We don’t go on dates, or hang out, anything like that. Frank said that we used to sleep in each other’s rooms every night before we even started dating, and now we don’t even go to the movies with out a few tag alongs. So, I’m asking you, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Gerard, listen to me, if you don’t want to be together, that’s okay. You can just tell me. I’ll understand.”

His head snapped up suddenly. “That’s not what I want at all.”

“Then what do you want? I really want to know.”

“You. All I want is you.” He was looking at me now. He didn’t look nervous anymore. He looked sad.

“But, I’m right here, Gerard.”

“But for how long?” he asked.

“For forever, Gerard. For as long as I have left.”

Gerard shook his head sadly. “I almost lost you once. I don’t know if I can deal with that again.”

“There’s no guarantees in life. I can’t promise that I’ll be around for another 50 years. I can’t promise that I won’t die tomorrow, and neither can you.”

“I know.”

“But, Gerard, I can promise to make the most of the time that we do have together.”

“I’m just so scared. It’s like I’m stuck in the moment I saw you in that hospital bed. You looked so small and frail. When we’re alone it’s worse. It’s like we’re here, but in my mind, we’re still in that hospital room.”

I took his hands in mine. “If you don’t choose to step out of that room, you’ll be trapped there forever. You know that don’t you?”

He nodded, “ But I just don’t know how.”

“You live in the moment, Gerard, and you go to bed each night thankful for each second we had together.”

He pulled me to him, suddenly yanking me onto his lap, and crushing me to him. “I’ve missed you so much, Sammie.”

I kissed his forehead. “I’ve been here the whole time, just waiting for you to see me.”

He held me so tightly that it started to get uncomfortable. “I do need to breathe.”

He nuzzled against my neck and loosened his grip on me. “Nope, I’m not letting you go. You’re stuck here forever.”
“Okay.” I rested my head on his and revelled in the feel of his arms around me. It had been so long, and I had missed him so much.
The shift from emotional reconnection to sexually charged was subtle at first. The gentle kisses on my neck and shoulders became little nips. Gentle hands that caressed my back soon tantalized my breasts. I shifted my position so that I was straddling him and the real frenzy began.
Consumed by the need to join our bodies clothing was hastily shoved aside. His hands gripped my hips tightly as I slowly slid down onto to him. The sex was frenzied. Quiet gasps and murmurs became uninhibited moans.

Afterwards, I leaned against him feeling wonderfully exhausted.
“I love you, Sammie.”
“I love you too, Gerard.” He placed a gentle kiss on my collar bone. “Stay with me tonight. I can’t bear to watch you leave.”
He nodded. “I don’t think I could leave even if you wanted me to.”
“Good.” I stood up and grabbed his hand, tugging him along with me. “We could both use a shower.” We spent the night talking and making love. We finally fell asleep as the sun was rising.

The ringing of a phone pulled me from a deep sleep. I fumbled for my phone on the nightstand.
“Hello?”
“Sam?”
“Yeah. What?”
“It’s Mikey. I meant to call Gerard.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a moment.
“You did. He’s asleep. What do you want?”
“I was just wondering where he was. I got worried when I didn’t see him all day, but I guess he’s with you, so no worries.”
“All day? What time is it?”
“It’s almost 2, Sam.”
“Oh. We were up late last night.”
“Enough said, Sam. Eww.”
“Grow up, Mikey. We were talking and stuff.”
“It’s the and stuff that I don’t want to know about.”
“Goodbye, Mikey.” I hung up the phone let it fall onto the bed.

“What did Mikey want?” Gerard’s sleepy voice asked from behind me.
“He was worried because he hadn’t seen you. We’ve slept nearly all day.” He draped his arm over my side and pulled me against him.
“Don’t care. I could stay like this forever.” He buried his face in my hair. “You smell good.”
I laughed. “No I smell like sex and sweat.”
“Mmmhmm” he answered as he began nibbling at my ear.
“Oh, no, lover boy. I need a shower and something to eat.” I said scrambling out of bed and bolting towards the bathroom.
The hot water relaxed my sore muscles. Soon I was singing while I shampooed my hair. In that moment everything was right with the world and I could forget all of my problems and the danger we were all in. Feeling much refreshed, I stepped out of that bathroom wrapped in a towel and humming happily to myself. I stopped short when I saw Gerard.
He was sitting on the edge of my bed, talking on the phone. He was frowning and his usually pale skin was flushed.
“Yes, Mom. I remember. Do we really have to talk about this?” The red in his face intensified. “Jesus, Mom, I’m 19 years old. I know all of that already.”
He ran his hands through his hair, clearly agitate. “Yes, Mom. Love you too. Bye.” He dropped his phone back down on the bed.

“Everything okay?” I asked tentatively.
“I may have to kill my brother, but yeah everything is fine.” He said. He flopped back onto the bed.
“I’m confused. You were talking to your mom. What does that have to do with Mikey?”
“He’s an idiot.”
“Still confused.”
Gerard groaned. “Mikey was looking for me because our mom called him earlier. She asked where I was and he didn’t know. Of course she got worried because she’d called my phone earlier and I didn’t hear it ring. After you talked to him, he called her back to tell her where I was.”
“Oh.”
“I never told her that I had a girlfriend.She interrogated me while you were in the shower. She was pretty upset that I hadn’t told her about you.”
I nodded. I was slightly upset that he hadn’t told her about our relationship and didn’t know what to say.
“That would have been fine, except that Mikey told her I’d spent the night here. She decided that I needed, The Talk.”
“The Talk?” I asked confused.
“You never had The Talk? You know? About sex.”
“No. When I was 9 or 10 my parents gave me a book that covered all that stuff. We never actually talked about it.”
“You have no idea how lucky you are. It was embarrassing enough but then.” He shook his head.
“What? Seriously, what could she have said to make it worse?”
“I’m not sure you really want to know.” he said. He suddenly became very interested in the view outside my window.
“Oh, come on, just tell me.”
“Before we hung up, she reminded me that she’s too young to be a grandmother.”
“Oh.” I did some quick math in my head. “Well I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s not a good time for...”I paused trying to find the right words. “that kind of thing.”
“I mean, I agree with her. We’re not ready for a baby just yet. Someday though, we’ll have a few kids.”
“We will?” I squeaked.
I sat down on heavily on the edge of the bed in shock.
“Well, yeah. Don’t you want kids someday?” He asked me looking puzzled.
“I guess I never thought of it. I don’t think I’d know how to be a mother. I have nothing to reference.”
“You’ll be a great mom, Sammie. You’re always taking care of us all. Besides after we’re married, you can spend time with my mom. She’ll teach you anything you could possibly want to know.” He was grinning at me with his eyes sparkling.
“Wait a sec. We’re getting married? When did that happen?”
His face fell. “You don’t want to marry me?”
“I didn’t say that. This is just all very sudden. It’s like I went to take a shower and you planned our whole lives. I haven’t even thought of what I want to do when I’m done with school.”
He drew me into his arms. “It doesn’t matter to me, Sammie, as long as we’re together. You can be a doctor or a scientist or you can stay home and raise our kids. Whatever you want.”
It sounded perfect. Going home after work to our little house, a few kids, family dinners, Gerard and I talking in bed after the kids were asleep. I admit that I was wrapped up in the fantasy he’d woven for us. If I hadn’t been I’d have thought harder before I answered his next question.
“Marry me, Sam. Say you’ll spend the rest of your life with me.”
“Yes,Gerard. I will.”