FicWad

Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes

Tears were flowing down his face as he covered his mouth and shook with silent sobs. He didn’t want to look in the mirror as he slumped over the counter, his eyes shut tightly. He didn’t want to see his broken form, his depressed face, his grieving tears that gushed from his eyes. Gritting his teeth, he put his head in his hands and kept crying, making tiny whimpers as his tears dropped onto the marble sink underneath him.
His nails dug deep into his palms as he stood there hunched over, sobbing. Slowly he raised his head and finally stared at his red eyes in the mirror. He winced at the sight and rubbed an arm over his face. Biting his lip, the young man numbly opened the drawer to his left and shakily held up one of its contents.
A razor.
He had done this many times. He had scars to prove it. But of course, he was careful to make sure no one had seen them. So many times Jordan had cut, watching dark red blood stream out for a few seconds before bandaging it after finding grim satisfaction.

But it’s the only thing
That I know

It hurt, of course. But he really didn’t care. Pain was the only thing that he had felt in the past few weeks. No regret. No guilt. And no love. No love for his boyfriend, Tom Cassell. An unfaithful man who couldn’t keep his word. A man who stole Jordan’s heart and gave it away. Jordan did this because of him. He did this because Tom never showed him love. Affection. Passion. Nothing but simple words, quick hugs, and excuses to get out of the house. To get away from Jordan.

And when it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes

Jordan didn’t know what he had done. He had tried for so long to stay loyal, to try to win back Tom’s love and heart. But Jordan knew, deep in his broken heart that had been shattered so long ago, that Tom was meeting other guys. Or even other girls. Jordan had no idea what Tom’s sexuality was anymore. All he knew was that Tom’s heart was no longer devoted to him as it had been months and months ago when they first started dating. But now here Jordan was, sobbing in the bathroom with a razor in his hand while Tom was vomiting up the contents of his stomach, hungover from his little excursion the night before.

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

Jordan had felt like some part of him had died. Like half of his heart was ripped out from his chest, leaving the other half to weakly beat by itself in an attempt to keep its body alive. In a twisted, dark way, this was how Jordan kept himself alive. Every time he ran the blade over his skin, watching blood bloom out from the clean cut he made, the pain that he received from it jarred his pathetic heart just enough to remind him that he was still a human being in the world who had a soul, never mind how tainted with grief and confusion it was. But now it was beginning to really weigh down on Jordan. Even his YouTube career wasn’t helping anymore. Sure, all of his fans were incredibly supportive of him, especially when he told them that he was dating Tom. There was the expected few hate comments from those salty individuals, but for the most part, everyone shipped Syndisparklez. But how was Jordan supposed to tell them that they were falling apart? That he was falling apart?

We keep this love in a photograph
We make these memories for ourselves

It was hard enough for him to get out of bed each day and continue his life. Tom was never there to greet him, to say good morning to him while flipping a pancake happily. He used to do that. He used to make breakfast for Jordan after a comfortable night of cuddling and warmth. Tom hardly even slept with Jordan anymore — partly because his heart just wasn’t in it, and because he was almost always out at a nightclub or a bar and came back at about five or six in the morning, sick and hungover. Jordan tried to show him sympathy, but he just couldn’t push the memories of the times when Tom would slip into bed beside an exhausted Jordan and spoon him, drawing him in close to his chest with Tom’s arms locked tightly around Jordan’s chest. Tom would pepper Jordan’s head, neck, and face with light kisses until finally landing one on his lips and whispering an affectionate ‘goodnight’ in his ears before closing his eyes with his head nestled in the crook of Jordan’s neck. Jordan would kiss his cheek and fall asleep soon after Tom did in his embrace.
But now Jordan would toss in turn in a cold, sleepless night in a bed all alone, and he’d have to get up in the morning early enough to clean himself up and film one of his two daily videos while focusing on maintaining a fake happiness and what used to be his usual bright energy. And on his computer that he always opened up to play Minecraft on, unbeknownst to everyone but him, was a desktop with a selfie that Jordan had took one night when they were out at the annual Fall Festival one year before.

Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Time’s forever frozen still

Jordan would stare at it every morning, gazing through longing vision at the picture of himself grinning wildly with one eye closed in a giddy wink while Tom captured him in a tight hug, his lips turned upwards in a smile as he was frozen in time with his lips pressed against Jordan’s cheek. One could see the fireworks behind them, frozen forever in the motion of their beautiful starbursts of light.
That was when Jordan was still happy. Back in the days when Tom still loved him, and Jordan loved him back with a burning, passionate love that no one could ever match. Jordan wished that he still felt that kind of love. The inferno that used to blaze in his heart for Tom was now reduced to a faint candle, barely alive as it flickered weakly, battered by the harsh wind of resentment and a guilt for a sin never committed.
And as Jordan stood there now, bent over the bathroom sink while he stared at the razor in his trembling hand, he felt his heart crack once again. A physical, incredibly depressed shudder shook violently through his chest, and Jordan heard himself gasp. He sank to the floor, bumping his chin on the sink in the process. His knees crumpled beneath him, and he heard the first cry manage to break free from his mouth.

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Jordan rubbed the already growing bruise on his chin as he tried to contain his sobs, breathing heavily as he tried to hide it. Surprisingly, Tom was actually in the house right now. It was about three in the afternoon, and Tom had woken up at last at twelve from another night of partying. The thing that had set Jordan off was Tom’s eyes. Those blank, dull brown eyes that had used to be warm and passionate, a bright cocoa color with specks of gold. Tom had once been able to capture Jordan in his gaze, holding him in his deep brown stare. But now, because of alcohol, endless partying, and lack of sleep, Tom’s eyes had been reduced to a clouded, faded version of the eyes that Jordan had fell in love with at first glance.
Tom had come home with tattered jeans and a shirt that was unbuttoned halfway, staggering into the house with a bottle of heavy beer in his hand. Jordan had taken one look at him and dashed up to his room, trying to get lost in the world of Minecraft. But when Tom woke up and called for him to do some stupid favor, Jordan had actually looked into Tom’s eyes when he answered, desperate for some sort of the old warmth. But all he saw was the colorless brown eyes that he could hardly believe were Tom’s.

Holding me closer till our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

As Jordan sat there, whimpering and crying, legs splayed out in front of him and his sleeve already rolled up, he couldn’t help but recall the first time that they had met. The first time that he had fully fallen in love with Tom and Tom’s eyes. The first time that they had kissed.

Jordan stood there, hands gripping the wooden beam in front of him, the only thing keeping him from tumbling into the water below. His eyes were focused on the slowly darkening sky that would soon be alive with fireworks. It was nearly time for them to set off the brilliant lights.
His hair waved in the warm July breeze as he grinned, anticipation growing. Someone’s arm brushed around his back as a hand wrapped around him to hang over his shoulder. “Excited, huh?” breathed a British voice in his ear.
Jordan turned around and smiled at Tom, whose eyes were glittering. “Yeah,” he chuckled. “I know you are, too.”
Tom gave him a crooked smile and nodded. “I’ve seen a lot of fireworks, but I’ve never seen them with my best friend,” he remarked solemnly.
Jordan gazed at Tom. ‘Best friend’ was a lie. They both knew that they wanted to both be more than friends. They both loved each other in all the different ways, including the one that really mattered. And yet, they hadn’t truly come out to each other yet for some reason. They hadn’t professed their love quite yet. But Jordan didn’t care, as long as he didn’t have to give up these moments that he spent with Tom.
They were on the California coast, waiting for the fireworks to be set off for the Fourth of July. Jordan liked to think that it was a date, but he wasn’t about to ask. Not unless Tom acknowledged that they were dating. Casually Jordan leaned into Tom, placing his head on his shoulder. He knew that Tom didn’t mind, but he didn’t want to be so obvious with his movements that the people around them suspected that they were together or whatnot. He felt Tom’s head move slightly onto his, but then suddenly Tom jerked away.
Disappointed and mildly startled, Jordan moved away from Tom and gave him a confused look. “Sorry,” he muttered. I guess he didn’t want me to do that.
“No, it’s not that,” Tom said quickly. His eyes seemed distracted, as if his mind was somewhere else. “I just thought — I mean, I had this idea…”
“What?” Jordan’s heart began to pound. Maybe it was finally time for Tom to take the first step — Jordan himself was terrible with those kind of things.
Tom gave him a sheepish look. “I mean…you and I both know…how…” Tom searched for the right words. “…how…”
Jordan bit his lip and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. Keep talking,” he insisted gently.
Tom smiled apologetically and sighed. “I’m bloody terrible at this, Jordan,” he laughed dryly. “So…” Tom gave him a deep, meaningful look, and Jordan suddenly found his eyes widening as Tom moved forward, his hand moving from his shoulder to his cheek. Jordan’s throat burned as he stared into Tom’s beautiful, rich brown eyes as his companion murmured while lightly brushing his thumb over Jordan’s cheek, “I guess it’ll be easier to explain this way. Because I think we’ve both waited long enough.”
Jordan’s eyes widened as Tom leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against Jordan’s. Jordan suddenly realized that he didn’t care how many people were watching and taking pictures of them — two famous YouTubers kissing obviously was a pretty big deal — or how cliché this was. Because as Jordan relaxed and accepted the affectionate kiss that he had been waiting for for far too long, he heard the familiar wail of shooting fireworks and the gasp of the crowd around them. He didn’t dare move from the kiss, but instead he put his hand around Tom’s neck and pulled him closer, finding confidence in the sound of booming fireworks above them. Jordan could feel Tom smiling into the kiss, drunk on happiness, and Jordan knew that he was too. Their foreheads touched as they kissed, hands around each other’s waists and necks, fireworks bursting above them. Jordan had never been happier, because he knew he had finally found the home that he had been looking for all his life.
Tom Cassell’s heart.

Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul

Jordan realized that he was sobbing openly now, and he covered his mouth in horror. I shouldn’t have remembered that, he scolded himself through tears. Tom definitely heard me.
He could still feel Tom’s warm lips on his. It had been months since Tom had last kissed him. Jordan missed it dreadfully, but he tried to cope with it. And now this had become his coping mechanism. Jordan stared at the rough lines on his arm, slightly paler than his normal skin tone. Scars. Reminders of what he had done. Reminders of what Tom had made him do.
Jordan didn’t know what he wanted, truthfully. He kept glancing at the door as he bit down on his lip hard, forcing himself to stay silent. Did he want Tom to come up and see what he was doing or no? It wasn’t like Tom cared, right? All he wanted to do was drink and drink and party and drink. There was ‘never any time’ for his boyfriend. But deep inside, Jordan heard a tiny voice that told him that Tom could heal him. That Tom could fix everything, if only he found the love to do so. Jordan doubted that Tom could ever love again. His love for Jordan had been long relinquished, separated and given to various other men and women alike. Everyone had a share of Tom’s love — everyone except for Jordan.
All Jordan wanted was rest. He wanted peace. He wanted love. Love from someone. He wanted someone to fix him. He wanted someone to mend his broken heart and soul. And he knew, sadly, that the only person he could do that was the person he had always loved and always will love, even through everything that he had done to Jordan. That person was Tom.
Only Tom could save him.

And it’s the only thing
That I know

Jordan kept running his thumb over the blade on the razor, not even cringing when his thumb slipped and the blade sliced shallowly into his skin, causing dark red blood to slowly bubble up in the wound. He stared at it with expressionless eyes, his pupils slowly dilating. Was this what he was reduced to? A depressed YouTuber who cut without anyone knowing?
But maybe Tom did know. Maybe Tom heard him. Maybe Tom knew exactly what Jordan was doing. And yet…Jordan hoped that he didn’t. Not just because of the shame that he’d feel because of it. Not because of the embarrassment he’d suffer through. Not because of the anger and bitter rebuking he knew that he’d receive from Tom. No, Jordan hoped that Tom didn’t know that he was cutting because of one thing — if Tom knew, he hadn’t even tried to stop Jordan. And that put just one question in Jordan’s mind.
Does Tom want me dead?

I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of you

Jordan blinked tears out of his eyes as his mind rested on that one awful, deadly thought. Did Tom wish nothing but death upon Jordan? Did he want Jordan gone? Did he want Jordan to get out of his life?
Jordan covered his mouth as he heard a whimper escape. His chest heaved as his shoulders kept shaking, and this time he couldn’t suppress the cries that came from his mouth. And this time, Jordan let them. He didn’t hold back. He didn’t stay silent. He stopped hiding from Tom. This time, he wanted to know for sure. Jordan wanted to know if Tom actually knew. Tom couldn’t deny the cries coming from the master bathroom. Jordan knew that Tom knew that it was him. And now it was time to see if Tom actually cared. If Tom truly wanted Jordan gone and dead.

And it's the only thing
We take with us when we die

Jordan tilted his head to the side, lost in the feeling of tears dripping down his face and running onto his shoulder. Then his gaze landed on the razor still in his hand. Blood was still dripping from his thumb. Jordan stared at it, and he began to feel a dark but somehow liberating thought slowly drift into his head. What if he just ended it? What if he just did this right here and now? What if he just did what Tom probably wanted anyway?
It’s not like I matter.
It’s not like Tom cares.
It’s not like he’ll miss me.
I’ll finally be free.
He’s moved on already.
I’m already as good as dead.
I’m already dead.
Thoughts flashed through Jordan’s mind as he focused on the razor that could take his life right now. He could actually do this. He could finally set himself free. This could be it. No more pain. No more heartbreak. No more suffering. Nothing but happy memories that would be left with him when he died.

We keep this love in a photograph
We make these memories for ourselves

Jordan heard the activity downstairs cease. He could sense Tom pausing in his work, and he could almost see Tom tilting his head up, listening to his sobbing. Jordan had begun to cry even harder as the idea of suicide came into his head.
But were those tears of joy and anticipation of his freedom, or tears of guilt and regret that he could never live the life that he thought that he would have?
Did it even matter, at the end of the day?
Jordan looked up at the door knob, making sure that it was locked. It was. Jordan allowed himself a grim smile. Tom couldn’t reach him now. Tom couldn’t scold him for being a coward and running away from a broken relationship. It was just him, now. And that’s how it’d always be.
Just Jordan.
Alone.
No one else.
But Jordan accepted it. He didn’t care. He had always lived by himself, never many friends. And the friends that he did have hardly played with him. And in the times that Jordan did feel lonely, all he had to do was look at his scrapbook of the times when he was younger and far freer than he was now. And recently, when Jordan felt completely rejected, he’d look at the picture of him and Tom on his laptop. Then he’d get lost in a sea of memories and kisses, and he’d only ever resurface when he choked on one of his tears.
Jordan would leave all those tears behind when he did this. All he’d take were the memories and the broken heart. But that broken heart would finally be mended. And everything would be fine again.

Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen still

He swallowed as he raised the razor and suspended it over his upturned wrist. It was the same as it always was. But this time, Jordan wouldn’t stop the flow of blood. He’d let it stream out like the tears on his face. And slowly, Jordan would lose consciousness. He vowed that his last words would be for Tom, no matter if his ‘boyfriend’ was there or not. But he just wanted Tom to know that he still loved him. The memories kept Jordan from fully giving up. Not Tom himself. It was only the fading hope of a better tomorrow that kept Jordan alive.
And now it wasn’t enough.
Jordan took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was ready. Ready to go. Ready to leave this world. Ready to give Tom the peace he wanted. Ready to die. He had nothing to miss, anyway. He felt a small pang of guilt for his family that would be heartbroken, but Jordan dismissed it easily. They’d manage with out him. His viewers would be extremely depressed and probably wouldn’t stop screaming at his unmanned channel for months. But Jordan didn’t care.
Another violent shudder ran through his body as his heart cracked once more. And in that shudder, Jordan gritted his teeth and sliced the blade across his wrist.

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans

Pain burst in his arm, but it was so familiar to Jordan that he didn’t even care. He didn’t open his eyes as he slashed the razor further up his arm. He could feel blood gushing down his arm from the shallow yet deadly cuts, and Jordan knew that he had done the deed. It was too late now.
Jordan weakly opened his eyes as he dropped the blade and collapsed onto the floor. He watched his arm bleed out through hazy, lightheaded vision. He could feel the blood lapping at his shirt sleeve. He smiled faintly. Tom would be happy now. Tom would finally feel free to fill his pockets with beer and tickets to crazy concerts and nightclubs, wearing those ripped jeans from the night before.
I just hope you’re happy with what you’ve done.
Jordan could hear someone calling his name. “Jordan?” came a muffled, echoing voice in the house. “Jordan?”
Jordan opened his mouth automatically, but then hesitated and closed it. Let him suffer the consequences, then, if he really does care, Jordan thought bitterly, finding sudden anger towards Tom. See what you’ve done to me.

Holding me closer
Till our eyes meet

As Jordan began to close his eyes, feeling the life slowly drain out of him into a crimson puddle, he knew that those eyes that had once looked at him with love and tenderness were now scanning the house, looking for him. But Jordan wouldn’t answer. And when Tom finally found him, it’d be too late. He’d be gone. When Tom finally picked him up and held him like Jordan had dreamt for so long, it’d be a lifeless body in Tom’s arms.
But then why was Jordan suddenly trying so hard to stay alive, just long enough for Tom to find him?

You won't ever be alone

He knew it was because he wanted Tom to be there to hear his last words. He wanted Tom to watch him take his last breath. And Jordan found himself suddenly terrified of being alone in death. He wanted Tom to be there.
Jordan’s eyes widened, and he heard himself gasp for breath and then quietly cry out hoarsely.
“Tom!”

And if you hurt me
Well that's okay baby only words bleed

Through shuddering breaths and rasping gasps, Jordan called out for Tom. He didn’t stop. But he despaired at his dying voice. He was losing blood fast. The blood of a broken man. The blood of a depressed boyfriend. The blood of a victim who had fallen to the words and actions of an unfaithful partner. The blood of a desperate lover who had invested his passion in a hopeless young man. Jordan could taste the salt of his tears as he opened his mouth over and over again to cry for his old boyfriend.
Where are you?!

Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

Jordan drew his arms in towards his body, slipping as they slid through the blood. Jordan let out a wail as he fell on his injured arm, the excruciatingly burning pain unlike anything he had felt before. He was able to shakily get to his knees before he lost strength, and he fell back into the pool of his blood. He just wanted Tom to hold him. To be there. But he was no where to be found. Jordan let out a remorseful, incredibly lonely moan as he realized that Tom would not be there, even while he was dying.
Of course Tom wasn’t. Because he had never loved Jordan. And this was what he wanted.
Right?

Wait for me to come home

“Jordan!”
Suddenly the voice sounded closer. Jordan barely opened his eyes. Unconsciousness was so close. But he didn’t want to go just yet.
“Tom…”

Wait for me to come home

His life was quickly going. Jordan crawled towards the door, struggling to keep his eyes open. “Tom,” he whispered, sinking to the floor once again.

Wait for me to come home

Finally Jordan stopped fighting it. He stopped trying to get to Tom, who Jordan could easily hear running through the house.
So he does care. Even the smallest bit.

Wait for me to come home

But it was too late. The damage had been done.
He never showed it, anyway.
His fault.
Tom’s fault.
My fault.
It was all my fault.

Oh you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were 16

Jordan’s cries had long been reduced to a quiet whimper. He raised his bloody hands to his face, and he groaned as a wave of near-death pain shook his body. His heart was beginning to fail, and his mind was struggling to keep his body going. His head throbbed horribly. The blood loss was beginning to mount up. Soon it’d be too much for his body to handle.
Suddenly Jordan remembered something that he had in his pocket. Something he always carried with him to give him the slightest bit of comfort. Something Tom had given to him as a gift and sign of his love.
Jordan scrambled to reach his pocket, finding a small burst of determined energy and strength in his rapidly failing veins. His hand closed on something metal, and Jordan drew out the contents of his pocket.
It was a locket with the amulet in the shape of a heart with the pattern of a yin-yang on it — it was a symbol that two people as different as Tom and Jordan could still find love. It was also a memento of Mianite, with the common explanation behind a yin-yang being justice and equality — Ianite, Jordan’s roleplay goddess.
With trembling hands, Jordan unclipped the locket. And there, in the tiny necklace locket, was a picture took by an anonymous person that Sonja had sent. It was of Tom and Jordan kissing happily during the 4th of July, their first kiss. Their hands were around each other’s necks, their eyes closed and a smile on their face.

Next to your heartbeat
Where I should be

Jordan’s heart was pounding in his ears. He could no longer see straight. His vision swam before him, and the loud beating of his head and his heart was deafening. He could barely hear himself breathing. Everything was a haze of red, and his hand with the locket dropped to the floor numbly, limp as death. At least he got one last glimpse of Tom before he died.

Keep it deep within your soul

And then he heard something that shook his very heart and soul. He felt his body lurch as the one voice that really mattered to him shouted right on the other side of the door.
“JORDAN MARON!”

And if you hurt me
Well that's okay baby only words bleed

The words entered Jordan’s head in a shaky wave of sound. He wanted to answer. To scream at Tom. But the words seemed to seep right back out of him with the uncorked waterfall of blood coming from his arm. Jordan knew he should be dead. But his very soul refused to.
Tom was pounding hard on the door, and Jordan could feel the floor shaking beneath him. His name was getting screamed over and over again. “LET ME IN, JORDAN!” yelled Tom, his voice cracking. “JORDAN!”
Jordan guessed that the pool of blood was probably slowly leaking out from underneath the door. He wanted to laugh. Now Tom knew what he had done to Jordan. Now he’d pay.
And then the door burst open in a shower of splinters and wood.

Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

Jordan barely registered the wail of his old boyfriend as Tom found himself standing over a puddle of blood and a broken man lying in the middle of it all. He heard an agonized cry, and then he heard Tom sob, “Jordan, what have I done?!”
He felt arms wrap around him, ignoring the blood all over him. Jordan opened his eyes weakly, and he saw something he had never thought he’d see again.
The incredibly concerned and terrified face of Tom Cassell. And even more important…
Clear, dark brown eyes that finally understood what they had done.

When I'm away
I will remember how you kissed me

Jordan drew in a rattling breath, and he knew it was nearly time for him to go. He reached up shakily and touched Tom’s face, his fingers leaving a bloody streak on Tom’s cheek. But Tom didn’t care. The British man sobbed, crying, “I did this to you…you didn’t think I cared…I-I-I was always so drunk…I-I should have paid more attention to you…I-I’m so sorry…”
Jordan wanted to say something. Anything to tell Tom that he still loved him. But then something happened. A sensation flooded through him as he realized that lips were pressed against his.
A kiss filled with agony, regret, and incredible guilt.

Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street

Jordan inhaled Tom’s cologne, filling his lungs with the sweet smell of his ex boyfriend. That one last breath was the best one Jordan had ever taken. And it was the only one that mattered. It felt like the energy of a million stars burst inside of him, and it gave him the strength to say one last thing.

Hearing you whisper through the phone
Wait for me to come home

Tom slowly pulled away from the kiss, as he was still crying heavily. Jordan found the energy to concentrate, and he locked eyes with Tom one last time. With his last, dying breath, Jordan whispered, “I’ll wait for you forever to join me, Thomas Cassell.”
And then the candle inside of him was blown out.