FicWad

Chapter 3: Resignation

My last week in the hospital flew by. I learned how to shower if provided with a little bench to sit on and to help me transfer into the tub. Jim taught me the finer points of moving stuff around from place to place without dropping it from my lap or injuring myself and how to safely reach items just above me and on the floor. Winry had thought of everything on her masterpiece, I even had a little bag under my seat and a cargo net attached to the frame in case I had lots of stuff to carry. Getting Winry's wonder chair and myself in and out of the car was on the agenda as well. The final and most complicated task was the dreaded "floor to chair" transfer. This was physically taxing and to my chagrin not the prettiest sight. I decided right then that not many people would witness that stunning feat.

Early on the morning of the appointed day I packed up the small cache of belongings I had accumulated during my three month stay, got my list of home care instructions from "Dr. Prick", who I had come to know as Dr. Parker and I waited for Gracia and Elysia to come. Before they arrived to take me to their home two visitors who hadn't been by in awhile surprised me.

I had been dozing on the bed, as I was pretty tired from the flurry of activity, when I was awakened by a familiar voice.

"Second Lieutenant Havoc, you look well," Mustang said from the hall. He entered the room and was followed by Hawkeye.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, self-consciously straightened my hair, and did my best to look dignified while moving from lying on my side to a sitting position. At this point this action was at best difficult and at worst just damned awkward looking.

When I'd finally gotten my legs straightened out and my body upright I saluted him and said, "That's Jean Havoc to you, I'm a civilian now, remember?"

My tone was more severe than I had intended it to be. I looked down and said, "That didn't come out right. I'm a civilian now, and it's ok. Thank you for everything and thank you for the space. I needed it." Looking up at them again I said, "Now about you, how are you two? Hawkeye, I hear you are the Fuhrer's secretary. That has to be horrible. You can't very well take aim at him without consequences." I winked and they knew that a bit of the old Havoc was back.

We talked for about a half hour and I got the update on the state of Amestris and it was not good, but what could I do? I knew Mustang would get it under control eventually, he always had. I'd help him however I could, even if it was just by rooting for him from the wings. It was not long before I heard Gracia and Elysia in the hall. I smiled and said, "That's my ride."

Elysia skipped into the room, looked at Hawkeye and Mustang, gave a cute little salute and promptly planted herself on the bed next to me. I think as far as Elysia was concerned this whole situation was a pretty good thing. She had her own adult with lots of time on his hands, with a constantly unoccupied lap. I chuckled at that thought.

At observing this image of happiness, Hawkeye gave me a knowing smile, and I caught Mustang smiling a bit too.

When Gracia entered the room the Colonel turned a shade paler, saluted the widow Hughes and inquired about the necessaries. He was clearly very uncomfortable, but I had known about that months ago. You don't drive a man around Central or serve under him for as long as I had without knowing the small nuances of his behavior.

He took his leave and Hawkeye had to get back to Headquarters, as her lunch break would be over shortly. I mused to myself that Mustang's stack of paperwork must be huge without his First Lieutenant to keep him in line.

"You ready to blow this pop stand Jean?" Gracia said.

"You know it! Let's get out of here." I said.

"Mommy, this isn't a pop stand, this is a hospital. Jean, you grown ups are so silly!"


*

As we got to the hospital entrance I noticed a military car and driver. I looked at Gracia questioningly.

"Gracia, did Mustang arrange this?"

"No Jean, this is how it's been. I told you we're under guard, I guess I am just used to it. We have a car and driver at our disposal. Roy really has seen to everything at least the practical aspects." That said Gracia looked away.

The driver opened the car door for Gracia and Elysia and they got in and I set to work getting myself in. The driver motioned to help me but I waved him away. I disassembled my chair and instructed the driver to just put it in the trunk and to bring it to me when we got to our destination. Awkward, but bearable, and Winry was a genius for the quick release wheels. In just a few minutes I was in, my chair was in the trunk and I was on my way to my new digs. The Tank would have barely fit in the trunk of even this spacious sedan and I know as a driver I would not have relished attempting to lift it into the trunk.

*

The sedan arrived at the Hughes' residence and I waited in the car while Gracia gave the driver instructions on how to help me get out of the car and Elysia jumped out of the car and ran for the front porch and started bouncing up and down with impatience. The driver went around the back of the car, popped the trunk and brought my chair without a word. I quickly assembled it, transferred as gracefully as I could since this was only my second "out of captivity" transfer and made my way to the front porch. Someone had built a small ramp to traverse the step onto the porch and from there it would be a smooth trip. Elysia excitedly waved something in my face, and I gently took it from her and admired it. She had given me a small, crudely formed clay bowl painted in riotous colors with my name on it. Gracia put a hand on my shoulder, patted it and said, "That Jean, is your ashtray."

I laughed, placed it on the little table that was new to the porch, like the ramp and said, "Thank you Gracia for putting up with my vices, even if I am made to indulge outside. I am a little disturbed that you used child labor to produce an ashtray."

Elysia clambered up into my lap facing me and said, "Jean, do you like your present?"

I replied, "I love my present, you are such an artist already, but an ashtray? Smoking is a filthy habit young lady, don't ever let me catch you doing it," and I gave her a mock stern look.

Elysia scrunched up her button nose and parroted back at me, "Filthy Habit". It was all I could do to keep from cracking up right there. After all, I did have to be a role model.

From there I rolled the Princess and myself into the entryway. I looked into the living room and everything had been moved around, apparently for my convenience. There was a clear path for me to everything. I had my own little accessible utopia. I just sat there taking it in.

Gracia had come up behind me, and I said, "Gracia, really, you shouldn't have."

"I needed a change. We needed a change. You were as good a reason as any to make some change. Really, it's nothing."

I was shown to my room, a private and quiet airy little room at the back of the house. I realized that it had been Maes' study and paused a bit. Maybe this would be good for all of us. My apartment had been packed up and what wasn't here arranged thoughtfully so I could get to it I was told was in storage. Gracia instructed Elysia to go clean up her many babies and stuffed animals in her room and to get washed up for lunch. This gave me a little time to explore on my own.

*

My first stop was the closet. I found civvies, some calisthenics gear that I had been favoring lately, winter coat, shoes, but no uniforms or combat boots. They really had thought this move through, locking most painful remembrances of my past life in storage. Next I moved on to the chest of drawers. Upon inspection I discovered new, neatly folded boxer briefs and undershirts, pairs of socks, and a few of my less grungy standard issue wool sweaters. The top of the chest held a mirror, my toiletries, prescriptions and some framed photographs of my friends and myself. I noted that most of the photos were close-ups if I was in them. Wouldn't want to see myself standing, right?

Just off of my bedroom was my own personal bathroom. It was spacious, new looking and perfectly appointed. It was too perfectly appointed, as in almost identical to the occupational therapy bathroom. They had to have assumed I'd do this, or just done the construction in case I did. Mustang sometimes knew me better than I knew myself, and he had certainly run some amazing propaganda to get things to work out. Gracia, the Elric brothers, and even Winry were in on it. Within easy reach of the bathroom counter was a box of all my "stuff" that I had really hoped no one I knew had unpacked. I later learned, to my relief, that Jim had been working overtime consulting on this. Roy was truly amazing at subterfuge, even while planning a coup d'etat he'd managed to micromanage my life. I remembered that it was time to take care of hygiene manners and decided that I would have to thank Mustang for his thoroughness at some point when I wasn't feeling utterly controlled by him from afar.

*

I chided myself for such petty thoughts after all the effort on my behalf, and decided to see what else had changed since the last time I'd been to the Hughes' house. The smell of something wonderful helped me find the kitchen and it too was spacious and easy to get around in. Gracia was at the stove and Elysia was setting the table. When I came in I thanked Gracia again for her hospitality and then I wondered to myself, "So what do I do, do I help? How can I help? This was a bad idea, truly... Gracia is not a waitress."

Elysia saved me just as my doubts began to get louder. "Come here Jean, you can do the silverware."

Gracia and I exchanged small smiles and I retrieved the silverware from the drawer Gracia pointed at. That hadn't been hard, now how to get it to the table?

I wracked my brain for occupational therapy wisdom and remembered: the lap. I thought about it, and really, it didn't seem that bad. Worse things happen to silverware than being placed on someone's lap. I decided it would sound obsessive for me to ask if that was unsanitary, so I just put three place settings on a clean dishtowel in my lap and went over to the table to set it.

There, I smiled inwardly, Jean Havoc being a normal guy, and setting the table. You'd have thought I'd received a medal or something I was so proud.

By this time lunch was ready and I pulled up to the table, noting that one chair had been moved to the other side of the table to clear a space for me. Gracia had not spared any details, but she and Maes had always been thoughtful hosts.

*

After lunch Elysia announced that it was time to color and asked me to join her. How could I refuse a request like that? I asked Gracia if she needed any help clearing the table and she answered that the best help would be if I kept Elysia out from underfoot. Just then I noticed the noise of my water glass shaking on the table, I looked down and realized I was having a muscle spasm in my left leg. I'd had spasms before in therapy. Jim and Dr. Parker had explained that muscle spasms occur when peripheral nerves that I couldn't feel got irritated fired and caused movement in my legs, which rightfully shouldn't move on their own. At first they caused me to be hopeful, then they were worrisome and now they were just annoying. Gracia noticed it. She looked hopeful.

"No Gracia, those are just spasms I'll tell you about it after Elysia goes to bed. It's not return it's a symptom. Nothing urgent. Mostly it means I've been sitting too long today." I shook my head and sighed a bit.

"Elysia, do me a favor and bring your coloring books and crayons out to the living room." I said. I had an idea that would possibly stop the spasm, and help Gracia at the same time.

I pointed to the middle of the floor for Elysia to set up her "art studio" and parked my chair and transferred to the floor, it was slow, and definitely not the most graceful transfer but Elysia was already engrossed in coloring. I then got down on my stomach so I could stretch and rest whatever muscles and nerves were bothered while I was coloring. Jim had been right about the creativity thing.

We settled in to color and I let Elysia "hog" the pink crayon. One moment I was coloring and the next thing I knew I woke up with my face resting on a coloring book, inhaling the waxy aroma of crayons. I looked up and panicked when I discovered that Elysia was nowhere to be seen and that it was awfully quiet in the house. The little bit of information I had on raising children told me that quiet children were often up to no good.

I rolled myself over and propped myself up on my elbows. When I called for Elysia, I got no answer. My next move was to call for Gracia, again no answer. It wasn't time to panic yet; Gracia had probably gone upstairs. I instinctively worked my way up to a sitting position and reached back for where my chair was and met air and landed flat on my back. My chair was A.W.O.L. along with Elysia.

I pulled myself back up to an upright position, dragged myself over to the couch and leaned against it for support.

I called Elysia's name a little louder, with a little more urgency and I finally got an answer.

"Yes Jean, you fell asleep coloring. I went to my room to play. I have a surprise for you. Come here." she called from her playroom.

I called back to her, "Elysia, you'll have to come here to show me the surprise." I answered wondering just what the hell had happened to my chair, though I was beginning to get some good ideas about what had happened to it.

"No Jean, you come here!" Elysia called back stubbornly. "If I come out there it will ruin the surprise."

I lost it. There I was, a grown man stuck on the floor, apparently at the mercy of a preschooler.

"Elysia come here right now and bring my chair!" I barked, regretting my tone of voice as soon as the words left my mouth.

Slowly I heard her emerge from her playroom and when she arrived in the living room she was on the verge of tears, pushing my wheelchair covered in hair ribbons and stuffed animals in front of her.

"I'm sorry Jean, I just wanted it to be nice since you didn't have a party when you came here. You should have a party. I'm happy to have you here. Mommy is happy to have you here."

With that her little face crumbled and I opened my arms and luckily she ran to them.

I cooed to her and patted her hair as she cried and eventually calmed down. When she was calm enough to listen I said, "Elysia, you did such a nice thing for me and I'm so sorry I sounded mad. I wasn't mad, just scared. I wondered where you had gone and with my chair gone, and you in the other room I couldn't get to you."

She looked at me perplexed. Apparently the whole chair thing was not sinking in with her. It had barely sunk in with me so I couldn't blame her for not understanding.

I asked, "Why do you think I use that chair Elysia?"

She replied, "Well, I have a tricycle and it has streamers, so I thought that you should have streamers too."

I chuckled and messed up her hair and said, "Elysia, no, that was a nice idea, but I need that chair to get around, not just for fun. Did your Mommy tell you that I got hurt?"

She nodded yes, and looked a bit worried.

I continued, "Well, I did, but it's ok. The doctors fixed me as best as they could but they couldn't fix my legs. They don't work so hot now. So now I need that chair to get around. That's why it was so special that Winry made one for me. Winry is pretty great, isn't she?"

Elysia brightened and agreed that Winry had indeed made the best racecar ever.

"I'm glad you know I'm not mad at you. I'm sad and mad that I'm hurt, but it will be ok. But I need you to promise me a few things, ok?"

Elysia nodded and put up her pinky. This was some serious business to be a pinky promise.

"Please promise me that you won't take my chair again, even to make it pretty, and please come when I call you because it worries me when you don't answer and I can't get to you."

We locked pinkies and she gave me a hug. It turns out that Gracia had been watching the whole thing from the entry way and she came in, kneeled on the floor and hugged us both. Thankfully it was dinnertime. All this activity had worked up an appetite and I was ready for the distraction of polite conversation.

*

Dinner came and went without major event. I had even saved the day and set the whole table and put some of the cold stuff out. It was little stuff, but at this point in my life it was all little stuff. A month prior I had been helpless and now I was helpful, even they were token gestures. Next time Gracia hosted a party, I would be more useful than most of my Comrades as usually they could found at the buffet emptying it, rather than filling it. I joked with Gracia about that, and this time my self-mocking sense of humor was appreciated.

After dinner I checked out the bookshelves and picked out a book to read on the couch while Gracia helped Elysia with her bath and got her ready for bed. I was halfway through an exceedingly dry chapter on the founding of Amestris when Elysia crept up onto the couch and curled up next to me with her book of fairy tales and pretended to read herself.

"What'cha reading Jean?" she asked looking up from her book, which was upside down.

"A very dull book Princess Elysia, and what may I ask are you reading?" I asked while furrowing my brow and cocking my head to pretend to read her upside down book.

"Your Majesty, I think we have a problem, your tale is upside down. Would you like me to fix it?" I teased.

Elysia giggled, nodded in the affirmative and planted herself in my lap. I then proceeded to read her a story about a prince who was cursed and turned into a frog by an evil witch. She knew the book by heart in places it had been read so many times, and the pages had begun to get dog eared. By the last few pages of the story her voice began to trail off and head was nodding, fighting off sleep. Gracia came in and picked Elysia up to take her to bed. Elysia roused just long enough to request to be tucked in.

"Sorry, but your goodnight kisses and tuck in will have to be delivered by butterfly," I said and blew her a kiss. She was pacified and the question of why I couldn't go upstairs to tuck her in could wait until another day. I was far too content with our new bedtime ritual to explain.

*

Gracia came back down and asked if I'd like tea, and that sounded wonderful. She made two cups and brought them out. We started discussing the day's minutiae, making small talk as she sat in the armchair under a throw and I stretched out on the couch.

I changed the subject abruptly from the mundane to the very serious in my mind.

"I'm sorry I lost it this afternoon, you know, with the streamers. That was so sweet of her, and I wrecked it because I panicked when I felt trapped in the living room. What's more, what if it was an emergency and something like that had happened?"

"Jean, today was a very tiring day, a huge change for everyone and you both had a misunderstanding. It was sweet and funny in the end. You explained that very well. I held off on explaining everything to her when I saw how she just launched herself at you that first visit. I didn't want to wreck it, you looked so happy." Gracia said, then paused, took a sip of tea and thought a bit. "She handled it well, didn't she? I'm proud of her, and I'm proud of you. You even got a pinkie promise out of it."

"Ok, so I flipped out and that didn't traumatize her, but what if there was an emergency? Gracia, a preschooler held me hostage! It really hit home just how powerless I am now." I trailed off at the end and hung my head.

"There are guards outside. You must have noticed that this is the safest place in Central next to Headquarters, right? It is going to be ok. If something happened, we would get help, end of story. Is there anything else eating you alive? Talking about it with someone helps."

I hesitated and finally summoned the nerve to speak, "There is so much I have to say and I think it will come out all wrong and it is a very confusing jumble right now. Even if I did find the words to convey what is going on with me, I don't think anyone would be able to relate. With Maes...I mean you've noticed, everyone dances around the subject, right?"

Gracia's eyes welled up and I winced at the thought of hurting her by bringing Maes up. After all her kindness I did not want to cause her any more pain than she had already endured.

"Jean, you don't know how much it means to me that you WILL actually talk about him, it. Everyone inquires about our health, the weather, and tells me what a great person Maes was. Of course I know how wonderful he was. No one is there to talk about how much I miss him." Gracia wiped her eyes and regained her composure and smiled.

"I've found something that helps, and I think that it might be just the thing for you too." with that she grabbed a small book from the side table next to her and handed it to me.

"Religion? A book?" I puzzled and I wondered if Gracia had gone off the deep end.

"No, gosh, for someone as smart as you are, you can be thick headed. Look at it. Really look at it," with this announcement she opened the front cover for me. I instantly recognized it to be a small standard issue notebook that alchemists used to compile field notes in and that I had used to log shifts, intelligence and most often phone numbers for Mustang.

"You want me to write reports? Keep records? Get phone numbers for Mustang? What would I possibly keep track of Gracia? How many times I flip out over nothing, or I have a better one, how about how long it takes me to do something that I didn't even think about before... " I trailed off as I noticed she was frowning at me.

She then said, "Write it down. Write it all down. Read it later, bury it at the bottom of your underwear drawer, heck burn it when you fill a notebook. Just get it out. You will feel better. Trust me."

I was dubious, but I smiled at her, and thanked her sincerely.

"No Jean, thank you. I have not had 'grown-up time' in ages," she said and grabbed our mugs to put them in the kitchen. "Oh, and hey, the spasms earlier, are you ok?"

I sighed and she sat down at the end of the couch. "It's like this, for me they don't hurt, for others I guess they're not too comfortable. Dr. Parker said I was fortunate when I brought it up to him that I couldn't feel them. So I'm lucky, eh? But they're no big deal. They just mean I have to slow down a little and rest and figure out what is uncomfortable where I can't feel. I'm just a mess."

Gracia leaned over and patted my arm, in an almost motherly way, and I wasn't bothered by her mother hen instinct. It was comforting. She didn't pity me, couldn't know what it was like to be me, but it seemed like she might understand enough to help me figure it all out for myself.

After a day like that it was bedtime. Gracia went up to her room and I went to my room to prepare for bed. As I brushed my teeth and as I started the "bathroom hygiene" routine I chuckled to myself that maybe I should start timing myself. I chided myself for being an ass after Gracia's kindness, and decided that maybe a wise addition to my nighttime schedule would be some journal writing. It certainly couldn't hurt. I fell asleep with the notebook wide open and a stub of pencil in my hand, several pages filled with many of the thoughts that had been creeping in around the edges and brought more questions than answers. That night I slept the soundest I had since the accident.