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Hermione poked her head around the corner, eyes sweeping the expanse of corridor. It was empty. Remus said it would be.
Turning back around, she nodded, “Empty.”
Remus met her gaze, before turning to address the other three. “You know the plan,” he said. “Infiltrate. Guard. Spike. Leave.”
“Simple and succinct,” Sirius commented refreshingly. James turned to look at him in surprise.
“Succinct,” he repeated. “That’s new for you, Pads.”
“I’ve tried this new thing. You know, learn a new word every day and then it use it in a sentence?”
“And let me guess,” Peter said. “Today’s word was ‘succinct’?”
“Oh no. That was last Wednesday’s word,” Sirius replied, before adding hastily at the other’s looks, “I’m a little behind, okay?”
Before Remus could open his mouth, a sharp whistling broke the emptiness of the corridor and Hermione frowned, peaking around the corner again. Her eyes widened and she managed to hold back a gasp, before her head reappeared.
“Professor McGonagall!” She hissed incredulously.
“What’s she doing here?”
“Weren’t you supposed to monitor the goings-on of the kitchen, Pete?”
Peter stepped back, arms raised in surrender as he said defensively, “Hey! I did as I was told! I haven’t seen her for the past couple of weeks!”
“Couple of weeks? Jesus, Pete, I thought we said a couple of months!”
Freezing, Peter’s mouth opened, before he gritted his teeth, seemingly deep in thought. As he reached his conclusion, he sucked in his lips, nodding and said, “Yeah. You know, now you mention it- that rings a bell.”
“Does it?” Sirius asked sarcastically. Peter merely smiled and nodded again.
“Fuck,” Remus muttered and Hermione’s eyes widened as her previous teacher cursed in front of her. He noticed her reaction, grinning sheepishly, before it fell and he peered around the corner. “Okay. We’re going to need a change of plan.”
James nodded, folding his arms. “What do you suggest?”
“We still need to infiltrate… It’s just we might need a slight detour…” Remus frowned, trailing off.
“A distraction!” Hermione announced, her voice an excited whisper. “We need a distraction.” Her mind was on overdrive, and she knew she was working against the clock as the clicking footsteps of the deputy Headmistress loomed nearer. She felt that familiar spiking of adrenaline and had to admit that she had missed this feeling; this bated trepidation of thinking on her feet. “We need a distraction,” she repeated and her gaze fell on Sirius and James.
“No,” James refused straight away. “Not again.”
Hermione winced. “Please, James…”
“Why us? Why are we the bait? Why are we always the bait? Is there something prematurely baitable about us?! Am I expendable to you people?! What is it??” His arms flung about wildly, eyebrows wagging, voice ranging on high-pitched.
“Because you’re too incompetent to be anything else,” Remus muttered, rubbing his eyes with his fingers, as though he were stressed. Hermione heard this and couldn’t stop herself from laughing. Although he didn’t look at her, his lips seemed to curve and widen.
“Well, better acquiesce to the lady’s plan with alacrity!” Sirius said, clapping his hands together. At four blank looks, he dropped his arms and said, “Thursday and Friday’s word.”
Peter nodded in understanding.
*
With that hesitant and somewhat unofficial agreement, Sirius dragged a still mumbling James around the corner, and Peter, Hermione and Remus heard a far too gleeful, “Alright, Minnie? How’s the cat-thing going?”
Counting to five, the three of them peaked around to take in the scene. Professor McGonagall had her back to them, and Sirius and James were retelling a story of when James tried to convince the heard of centaurs in the Forbidden Forest to adopt him because he wanted to be ‘in touch with his inner horse’.
As James animatedly re-enacted running away, he skilfully manoeuvred their professor to turn to allow the three of them a safe pass. As they made it through, Hermione turned back to look and saw Sirius now playing an angry centaur and running after James, who was screaming and waving his arms above his head. She couldn’t hold back her bewilderment.
They rounded the corner and only stopped when they were in front of the fruit portrait, which Hermione knew concealed the kitchens.
Remus clapped Peter on the back and said, “Remember the signal. If anyone comes-”
“Yeah, yeah,” he interrupted. “I know, Moony. Calm down. I won’t screw this up.”
“We know you won’t, Peter,” Hermione said. “Remus is just a worrywart.”
Peter’s eyes softened, falling to his feet, and his lips formed a smile. But as she tickled a pear and the two of them stepped back, Peter’s back straightened and his eyes became alert.
Offended, the worrywart in question shot her a perturbed glance and asked in disbelief, “Did you just call me a worrywart?”
“Yes, Remus dear, now do concentrate. Infiltration complete.”
And she stepped into the kitchen, Remus couldn’t help shaking his head in wonder before grinning and following her in.
A chorus of cheerful House Elves greeted them as soon as the portrait had swung shut.
“Hello Master Remus!”
“What can I do for you today, Master Remus?”
“Who’s the Miss, Master Remus?”
“We made some more chocolate tart for you, Master Remus!”
Hermione, overwhelmed by this display, turned to him and said, “Master Remus?”
Blushing slightly, Remus rubbed the back of his neck and said to the House Elves, “Not now, thank you. I just came to do that thing we talked about.” All of their perked ears drooped, before he added quickly, “But save me some of that chocolate tart, won’t you? We can’t let your exceptional cooking go to waste, Minky.”
The elf Hermione assumed was Minky beamed with blatant delight.
“Of course, Master Remus. If Master Remus and Miss would follow Minky, I’s will show you.”
With a shared glance, they followed the little elf through the kitchen until they stopped at a heavy wooden door. All Minky did was touch it with her little finger, and it opened, revealing one of the strangest views Hermione had ever seen.
It appeared upon first glance to be an empty basement, with dark walls and floor, but an undeniable warmth flooded the room. Upon second glance, one noticed the four long tables clinging to the ceiling with an absurd ease. The house tables, Hermione realised when she took in their specific décor.
She gasped suddenly. “Oh my,” she breathed. “This is how they get the food up.”
Remus chuckled. “Yes. Quite extraordinary, wouldn’t you say?”
“Exceptionally. Oh wow…”
She trailed off, spinning around, her eyes glued to the tables above her head. Even the utensils and plates were in their correct positions.
Frowning, a question popped into her mind. “But how do they get the food up?”
Her eyes fell on Remus, who was leaning against the wall and smiling. “Minky, why don’t you show Hermione how brilliant you are?”
“Yes, Master Remus!”
With a motion that looked easy to the eye, Minky held up the plate of bacon she had been holding, scrunched up her face and pushed it into the air, before moving her hands. For a split second, Hermione was convinced the plate would come smashing back down, but it didn’t. Slowly, but surely, it hovered up and up until it reached one of the tables, where it halted, spun upside down and attached itself to the wood.
Hermione couldn’t help but laugh. “What-? How? That’s amazing!”
“They are, aren’t they?” Remus agreed, smiling eyes looking at Minky, who rubbed her hands bashfully.
He regained his composure, and said, “Well, down to business.”
Moving over to stand next to her, he retrieved four glass vials from his pocket which each held a gloopy solution she recognised immediately, “Polyjuice Potion!”
Remus looked at her. “You’re familiar with it?”
Pausing, she licked her lips and tried to prevent the stutter that threatened to give her away as she said, “Vaguely. We had to learn it. Awfully deceiving… Which brings to question why you have four vials of the stuff?”
He blushed then. “Part of the plan.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow, and he hurriedly continued. “It’s been altered slightly. So the effects are lessened.”
“In what way?” She questioned curiously. “Like a partial transformation or a shorter time restriction?”
“Both?”
“Oh, you seem sure! That’s really encouraging!”
Remus just laughed, offering her the red-tinted potion. She took it unsurely. He then gave Minky the blue and yellow-tinted ones, keeping the green for himself.
“Now, did you see what Minky did?” He began, moving away from her to the far table. She started to follow, but he stopped her. “Ah ah, stay there.”
Tilting her head to the side, she did as she was told. Minky took her stance underneath the other two. “I… vaguely remember.”
“Good, good. So, lift it above you head. Yes, just like that. Now, focus on what you want it to do.”
“And what is that exactly?” Hermione asked, her arms stretched above her head, the vial clutched in her sweaty fingers.
“You want it to float. You want it to stay in the bottle until it gets close enough to the table above you, and then you want it to disperse equally into every single glass on that table,” Remus explained.
“Oh, okay. That’s a- er- very aspirational desire.”
He laughed. “You could say that.”
She let her mind imagine the vial floating above her heads, let the craving overtake it, focused on the magic and sparks that fizzled in her bloodstream. Hermione closed her eyes, screwing her face up in concentration. And the glass bottle left her grip.
Gasping, she looked up, just in time to see it falter as her focus drifted. But she had it under control again soon enough, and the vial floated placidly upwards, towards the table. Once it got mere inches away from the wood, she pictured it opening and flying into every goblet. Reality complied.
Once this was done, the vial drifted down and back into her awaiting hand and she smiled proudly, looking at Remus, who was doing what she had just done.
“Bit slow, aren’t we Lupin?” Hermione teased.
His eyes shot to her and the beaker wobbled in the air, but it maintained its position. He huffed a laugh and said, “That’s because I was watching-”
He broke off, chuckling uncomfortably, as his vial met his fingers once more.
“Is that all?” She asked, surprised as he started walking to the door where Minky was waiting.
“Is that all?” Remus repeated incredulously. “Is that all? My lovely Hermione, you do not even know the extent to your actions!”
“Well, no I wouldn’t, since you boys hardly told me anything!”
He grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets. “You need to see it. Telling you would ruin it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, I see,” she said sardonically.
Remus started laughing until a loud whale sound cut through the bustle of the kitchen. His expression dropped and he met her gaze.
“Peter,” was all he said and they rushed, dodging House Elves to get to the front.
“Did he just make a whale sound?” Hermione asked incredulously.
“Sirius likes whales.”
The elves stopped to watch them pass and only when they got to the exit, did one of them say, “Already going, Master Remus?”
Knocking on the door, Remus said, “Yes, Dot, I’m afraid I’ve got to get going. Thank you all, though. Your work is exceptional and I’m coming back for some chocolate tart later!” A reply knock came and, after Hermione had practically beamed at all of the elves, they both disappeared through the hole in the wall.
Peter was pacing, and his head shot up when they came into view. “Thank Merlin! McGonagall is coming! Turns out she does a monthly inspection of the kitchens!”
“Well, that would have been such useful information to have,” Remus said sarcastically. Peter just stuck his tongue out.
They dashed along the corridor, turning the corner with caution where McGonagall was stood with James and Sirius, who looked to be desperately vying for her attention. When they noticed the three others, they both straightened up, grinning from ear to ear and said, “Well, Minnie. We’d better be going. Wouldn’t want to miss breakfast!”
“Most important meal of the day!”
“Actually helps you lose weight!”
“Not that you need to lose weight, Minnie. You’re perfect! You’re positively glowing!”
“Why, that’s not at all sycophantic- he’s right, you know.”
James leaned into Sirius and asked, “Was that Saturday’s word?”
“Damn right.”
Hermione, Remus and Peter had used this time to edge around their professor and duck around the next corner. James and Sirius appeared moments later, their eyes wide.
“Executed,” Remus affirmed.
“Flawlessly,” Hermione added.
James grinned. “Well, that does make things smashing, doesn’t it? C’mon.” He slung his arm around Hermione’s shoulders, “Don’t want you to miss it, do we?”
They reached the Great Hall, to find it full of students. As they sat down at the Gryffindor table, the five of them made sure to not touch anything, too excited to eat and too aware to drink.
Remus began counting down under his breath.
“1.”
James bounced.
“2.”
Sirius’ eyes shot to the Slytherin table with a barely concealed eagerness.
“3.”
Peter couldn’t stop smiling, his teeth wide and bright.
“4.”
The anticipation in his voice made Remus tense.
“5.”
Hermione held her breath…

And chaos erupted.
Every student leapt from their seats, or cried out in outrage as their features were replaced with animal assets. The Slytherin’s, as true to their name, either adopted forked tongues, or grew patches of scales, or could speak in only Parseltongue. The Ravenclaw’s sprouted wings, or spat up feathers, or had their fingers replaced with talons, their noses with beaks. The Hufflepuff’s had black and white fur growing in tufts, or snouts protruding from their faces. And finally, the Gryffindor’s roared audaciously, with their luxurious manes or sleek golden skin, or whiskers or paws.
The Houses were, after all, embodied by their students, and oh, how the tables had turned!
Hermione couldn’t stop herself from laughing. It seemed everyone had had a drink that morning, and she now understood the brilliance in their simplicity, the absolute, sheer awesomeness in their ideas.
Remus looked around in awe, before banging on the table and saying, “You know what, I refuse to sit down and not take credit for this.” And he stood up on the table and bowed.
The other three Marauders followed suit, bowing and applauding themselves and cheering for tomorrow, and when Sirius offered her his hand, Hermione took it and allowed him to pull her up to bask in their brilliant aftermath.
She honestly couldn’t believe it, and as the Great Hall swarmed with half-human, half-animal hybrids, she laughed and felt euphoric.
Sirius, grinning like a maniac, jumped up and down, raising his arms wide and shouting, “Embrace your House! Embrace your House, you dodgy bastards and know that this was brought to you by the Marauders!”