FicWad

There's a list of things that I will never be
Like skinny, or the best, or easy to love
There's a list of things I never want to be
Like depressed to the point of suicide, locked in an airport bathroom, or divorced at the age of 30
These things, though they seem relevant, really aren't
Because of the fact that I have never been
Relevant
And the fact that these are all things in my head
That I can't fix or control
There are a lot of things wrong with my head
And there are a lot of things wrong with me as a person
I lash out at people, I ache and ooze with sadness, I get by with mediocracy
My own body fights against itself, going between purge, binge, starve, cry, sleep, fight
And the anxiety of the consequences of doing all or doing nothing overwhelms me
I am overwhelmed
Maybe the explanation isn't as simple as that
There are a lot of factors to consider as to why I feel this way
But I don't look to those factors for answers
I'd much rather prefer to blame myself for what I am and for what I'm not
For what I want to be and for what I'll never be
I scold myself for a lot of things
Which is why I have scars of abuse
From myself