Categories > Original > Humor

Arnold vs. Amazon

by IcedHope 0 reviews

Arnold has an issue publishing his first book.

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Parody - Published: 2016-06-01 - 1513 words - Complete

It had been a long night. Arnold spend many hours over his computer, he focused on the screen as his fingers turned words into paragraphs. He had been working on his novel since the filming of his last movie. Arnie had taken many roles, and many jobs: Governor, Actor, Athlete, and this time he was going to be an author. He had spent many years in front of the cameras, he decided it was time to take a little time to himself, what better way than to write a book.
He wanted his story to be simple and sweet, not like the tough rugged characters he portrayed on screen. He smiled and laughed.
"Dis is goin ta be gud!", he said as he lit up his favorite cigar.
His novel takes place in a suburban setting, the main characters' daughter has been kidnapped by aliens bent on taking over the world, and the only person who is able to save his daughter: The tough and charming actor Carl Weathers. The protagonist along with weathers was named. "Mac Dandy" a lawyer/cop from Chicago. It was set in the not so distant future.
Arnold was on the last page of the manuscript, one more paragraph and it was off to Amazon to be published. He thought back about every little detail about the book, finally something he was doing was making him happy. Not that acting hadn't, he was tired of reprising the same old roles, with the same old people. If he was going to make another name for himself, publishing this book would make it so.
He smiled again, the last paragraph was finally written, and he briefly looked over the 17,000,000 word manuscript. He nodded and uploaded it to Amazon. And now it was time for bed.
He dreamt quietly that night of cigars, and nannies, the occasional gun and chopper too.
His eyes were blurry when he awoke the next morning; he had fantastic dreams, and now he had hopes of being a trillionaire. He yawned a few times and headed into the bathroom, he flexed and oiled himself, but not before screaming.
"Nice night for a walk!"
He exited the bathroom and ran into the closet. The only thing cared about wearing today was a leather jacket and slacks. Once he was dressed he ran to the computer to see the sales of his novel: 0 Sold copies. Arnold stared at the computer confused, shocked, even a little angry. He jumped from his seat and made unintelligible noise.
When his anger subsided, he caught something from the corner of his eye. An envelope blinking red. He quickly double clicked his mouse, the screen popped up.

Dear Honorable Mr. Swartzenegger.
We here at Amazon wish to inform you that your book: "Suburban Assault" has been held for copyright review, as we feel this novel is very, very, very, similar to a film called suburban commando, which features an amazing actor: Hulk Hogan. While we read through your manuscript, please be aware that your book will not be published on the date you requested. If you have any further concerns please feel free to contact us.
CEO of
Arnold couldn't believe it, they held his book hostage. He flipped his computer desk, and stomped out of his house. He quickly looked around to see what car was available. None. His ex-had taken them all during the divorce, however, he knew of one such vehicle she didn't want: His tank.

It had been a quiet day at the Amazon publishing house, not an intern was stirring. All the office workers wore the same uniform: White shirt, black slacks, black tie and thick black glasses. It seemed they didn't know how to communicate with each other at first, and constant sniffling and nodding. The interns had two function, to read manuscript submissions, and read other books to find similarities and block their publishing. Amazon had a way to ensure books that had value by famous authors were always published, when an indie writer would submit a manuscript. The interns would squawk, and bark at each other - the creatures were so afraid of something new and inventive, they would always hit the block button.

Suddenly, a loud crash echoed through the room. Several of the interns went flying through the air landing on the cold floor. A few of them reacted with the only defense they knew, flinging paperclips at the intruder. They bounced off the armor of the tank, dust rising from the debris, suddenly the hatch swung upwards, and Arnold revealed himself, smoking his favorite brand of cigar. Carrying two .45 Caliber hand pistols, he opened fire on the masse of interns.
"Publish me, if you want to live." He said in a serious tone. Arnold jumped from his tank, feet landing on the ground. He scanned the area to see if he could find the S.O.B. in charge. He had no luck, he did notice one of the interns crawling on the ground, he ran over and picked him up by the collar, lifting him to face level.
" Where is da editor?"
The frightened intern squawked. " Up the stairs and to the left."
"Tell me his name! Tell me!", he said in anger. He knew he was close to snapping the poor bastards neck, maybe he would let him live. He started to feel a warm liquid travel down his jacket and onto his pant legs. The idiot pissed himself.
"Bennet...his name is Bennet."
Arnold smiled, but not before throwing the intern across the room. He slowly moved over the bodies to a large steel door, with one mighty kicked, the door flew from the hinges. He quietly up the stairs, checking his corners. He opened a second door on the top slowly, ahead, he could see a large oak double door. This must be da editor's office. He charged the door, smashing through with his hulking muscles, the door shredded like paper. The office was nice and plush, a giant glass window overseeing the printing process of thousands of books. Bennet stood there watching the process, smiling. He did not even turn around to see the man who had ripped his door apart, he didn't even laugh.
"So, I see you had no problem finding my office. You made a real mess of my interns, maybe even punishing the best authors from publishing their work, how does that make you feel? To know that you single handedly destroyed someone's career, their dreams."
Arnold's eyes narrowed, he puffed on his cigar. Smoke filling the room.
"What the hell are you?", he said as he slowly puffed his cigar.
"I am what all men want to be. Power, pure power! I know why you are here, your upset that I didn't publish your work, I will continue not publish your manuscript. You see if you publish something that makes you someone, and we can't have a washed out actor and governor just saying what he thinks, can we?"
"Publish me! Come on publish me!"
"No, I will not. If you want your work published, you must fight me. Hand to hand, with no bars. If you kill me, my interns will make sure your trash is publishes." The editor suddenly ripped off his shirt, revealing his well-toned muscular body. He charged at Arnie swinging. Arnold side stepped, as soon as the editor stumbled, he elbowed him in the back. The editor grunted, but not before turning, and landing a fist in Arnolds face. Arnold tried to move back, the editor kept landing punches on Arnold's face. He landed one more punch that caused the governor to stumble over the man's desk. Arnold now lay inches from the glass, and the printing press below, he knew if the editor knocked him through, he would be squeezed to death, and his blood would be the ink for the next best seller.
The editor hopped on his desk, looking down on the actor/writer.
"Now listen to me...this is the end my friend, you and your friends will never see another indie book released. You may have killed my interns, but I will kill you.", he laughed, before jumping down on the actor.
With Arnolds quick reflexes he lifed his knee ever, so slightly causing the editor to flip through the glass and into the press below, crushing his body, his blood replacing the ink.
Hasta La Vista to my heart.
Arnold got up as quickly as he could, he peered over the broken glass and into the press below. Before leaving the office, he pressed the publish button, the world would get to see his words, and make him the bestselling author of all time.
"Looks like you are out of print, bennet."

Arnold arrived back at his castle, sitting in front of his computer. He could see on the monitor his book sales were starting to rise, he felt good knowing that he had saved the indie author, now they were free to publish whatever they liked.
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