Categories > Movies > Newsies > Mikey and Me
Mikey and Me
It seemed like the right thing to do, so I kissed my best friend. I think it was the worst day of my life.
As it turns out, kissing one's best friend is rarely the right thing to do, especially not when, like me, one is gay and madly in love with said best friend. And said best friend is straight, and was in the process of pouring out his woes over breaking up with his girlfriend at the time.
In fact, kissing him was just the wrong thing to do.
What happened was this: Mikey was depressed about breaking up with Jess. Neither of them really wanted to break up—they had been together for three years, were the Prom King and Queen, and were generally perfect. Except she's going to college in North Carolina, and he's going to college in California, and neither one wants to start college with so many strings attached. Apparently, they prefer horrible depression.
So Jess left for her orientation week yesterday, and Mikey turned to his best friend in the world to mope to. And, despite the fact that I love him, my status as best friend requires me to listen and be supportive. I'd much rather tell him he'll be fine without her and kiss his brains out to prove it, but, well, Mikey isn't gay, and he definitely doesn't think of me that way.
In order to get his mind off it, we went to a movie, his choice of what to see. And because Mikey is, shall we say, a sensitive new age guy, his favorite kind of movie is romantic comedy. So we went to see a cheesy chick flick—you know the kind, I'm sure. What's odd is that out of the two of us, I'm the gay one, but I'm also the jock and the one who likes to see action movies with little plot but lots of explosions; Mikey, the straight guy, goes to see chick flicks and bawls his eyes out. Even when he hasn't just broken up with his girlfriend. There's a reason our friends started calling him Mush—all that mushy stuff gets to him. That's probably why Jess and about half the girls in our grade fell for him... and, I realize, probably why I did, too.
But I digress.
The movie was, of course, about life, love and loss; in the end, the girl and boy who were obviously meant for each other got together, but the various other love interests they spurned along the way were forgotten. Because no one cares about other hapless characters who might be in love with the leads. Story of my life. I'll bet in ten years, Jess and Mikey run into each other and realize they're still meant to be.
But while the whole 'loss' section of the movie made Mikey realize how much he loves and already misses Jess, the same section of the movie made me realize how much I love and am going to miss Mikey.
He's the best friend I've ever had. I've known him since I was five, and we've just been... together since then. Michael-and-Ryan, who do everything together, go everywhere together, finish each other's sentences and have never once had a major fight. I know all of his secrets, and he knows basically all of mine. All except the one about me being madly in love with him.
And I can't bring myself to tell him that one. Because even though I doubt he'd let thirteen years of being best friends go just over that, well, who knows? I mean, when I told him I was gay he was a little startled, and then a day later he tried to convince me to ask out the cute grocery bagger at the supermarket. (Didn't happen.) And a week after that, when one of our local neighborhood bullies started calling me names, Mikey was the one who shut him up. And I can't stand the thought that he might be freaked out by me, and I really can't stand the thought that things might be awkward between us. And Mikey, who's perfect in so many ways—he's sweet, thoughtful, caring, adorable, has a smile that could melt butter and a body like a movie star—has two major flaws, and the first is that he's seriously oblivious. It took Jess six months to make him realize she liked him; he's never noticed that I do.
Closely related is flaw number two, which is that he's entirely heterosexual. I know, the crying at chick flicks thing threw me for a loop, but no. Despite stereotypes, he's never once showed any interest in anyone male, let alone me. Sadly.
Anyway. The point is, despite the fact that I've been in love with him for at least three years now, Mikey never realized. And the movie we saw made me realize that him leaving for California, us being separated for the first time since we were five, is going to be the hardest thing in the whole world.
So when he said he was going to miss Jess and didn't know what to do about it, and he'd miss me, I told him I'd miss him too, and kissed him.
It seemed like the right thing to do.
Mikey stared at me for a second, and I realized what I'd done. I'd just kissed my best friend. Three years I'd managed to not clue him in, and with one week left before we head off to college, there goes the neighborhood.
"Ryan?" he finally said, his voice strained.
"Mikey..."
"Why?" He didn't look at me as he asked it, he stared to the left of my head. Too upset to make eye contact. I almost wish I didn't know him so well, so I wouldn't have picked up on that.
"It seemed like the right thing to do," I said, my voice cracking. I laughed a little, tried to play it off as a joke, but no go. He knows me too well, too.
"I'd better... I mean, Mom wanted to go out shopping tonight for new luggage so I can get packing, so I'd better get home. You know. See you, Ryan." And the rush of words is what happens when he doesn't know what to say.
My best friend in the world had no idea what to say to me, and I watched him hurry away, the feeling of his lips on mine still fresh in my mind. And I let him go.
Yeah, that was all six days ago. Mikey's plane to California leaves in about twelve hours. He hasn't called me.
*
I always knew leaving for college would be hard. But I never realized I'd have to do it without my best friend. I mean, well, yes, technically, as I'm going to school in California and he's sticking it out in New York, I knew it would be without him—but I figured he'd be right there with me until the last minute, drive me to the airport along with my folks, and be the very last goodbye.
I didn't figure I'd be leaving without saying goodbye at all
Okay, I admit this is partially my fault. Ryan kissed me last week, I flipped out, and, as I had no idea what to say to him, I didn't call him. I didn't call him that night, I didn't call him the next day.
And you know how that is, right? It just gets embarrassing, the longer you wait. And even after I stopped flipping out, there were still a lot of questions I didn't know the answers to.
Like, why in god's name would Ryan kiss me? "It seemed like the right thing to do," he said. It seemed like what? Why?! I mean, I know Ryan better than I know myself, and I don't get it. He's never done anything like that before—he's never kissed anyone so far as I know. And believe me, I'd know if Ryan kissed someone; we don't have any secrets from each other.
Maybe kissing me really did seem like the right thing to do at the time. I was freaking out about breaking up with Jess; he got my mind off it. All I've been able to think about is Ryan. Ryan kissing me, the look on Ryan's face when I ran out, Ryan trying to laugh it off. And the fact that he tried to laugh it off means he knows something was wrong, I know him that well, but...
He knows I'm not homophobic, he knows he's my best friend. He knows we can talk about anything, so why didn't he call me? The way I see it, there are three possible reasons:
1) he's really upset about my reaction, since I did walk out on him and all, or;
2) he thinks I'm really upset with him, and doesn't know how to talk to me, or;
3) he died, and no one told me.
Three seems highly unlikely.
If I had some way to guess if it was one or two, I would be way happier about calling him. I mean, if it's the first, I should be calling him and begging him to forgive me. What kind of a guy lets his gay best friend think he's homophobic or, I guess, not totally supportive? When Ryan came out, I told him he was my best friend and nothing could change that, ever. And as soon as he kissed me, for whatever reason he did it, I let something come between us. God, I'm a jerk.
On the other hand, if it's the second one, I should call him and tell him I'm not upset at all. Confused, yes, but he is my best friend.
Either way, I should call him.
But either way, you know, he should call me. He's never not called me for a week before, which makes me think I must be leaving something out. There must be some reason why he's more upset than he should be, that I just don't see. And how can I face him if I don't know why he's upset? Oh man, I am the worst best friend ever.
How can I face him?
So as I lie down to sleep, my plane leaving in twelve hours, I tell myself firmly that he'll call in the morning. Whatever's bothering him, it can't be so bad that he won't call before I leave.
He'll call.
He will.
He's my best friend, he wouldn't let thirteen years of friendship go out the window like this. He'll call me.
But he doesn't.
In the morning, he doesn't call. I load my bags in to the car, he doesn't call. The whole way to the airport he doesn't call Mom's cellphone, and he doesn't call while I wait for the plane.
He doesn't call.
Ryan not calling me for a week, not bothering to flag me down to say goodbye, pretty much means he hates my guts. And I know that I wanted to go off to college with no strings attached, but the only reason I thought I'd be able to let Jess go was because Ryan was there for me. Now I have no bestfriend, no girl friend, and I'm moving across the country to where I won't know anyone at all.
Oh, man. I knew leaving for college would be hard, but I never figured I'd end up going without saying goodbye to Ryan. What happened? Why didn't you call me?
*
AN: Thanks to the people who encouraged me to continue this when I posted the original cracked out, insane rough draft in my writing journal, and double thanks to Harmony for beta reading it. As always, feedback is highly appreciated. :)
It seemed like the right thing to do, so I kissed my best friend. I think it was the worst day of my life.
As it turns out, kissing one's best friend is rarely the right thing to do, especially not when, like me, one is gay and madly in love with said best friend. And said best friend is straight, and was in the process of pouring out his woes over breaking up with his girlfriend at the time.
In fact, kissing him was just the wrong thing to do.
What happened was this: Mikey was depressed about breaking up with Jess. Neither of them really wanted to break up—they had been together for three years, were the Prom King and Queen, and were generally perfect. Except she's going to college in North Carolina, and he's going to college in California, and neither one wants to start college with so many strings attached. Apparently, they prefer horrible depression.
So Jess left for her orientation week yesterday, and Mikey turned to his best friend in the world to mope to. And, despite the fact that I love him, my status as best friend requires me to listen and be supportive. I'd much rather tell him he'll be fine without her and kiss his brains out to prove it, but, well, Mikey isn't gay, and he definitely doesn't think of me that way.
In order to get his mind off it, we went to a movie, his choice of what to see. And because Mikey is, shall we say, a sensitive new age guy, his favorite kind of movie is romantic comedy. So we went to see a cheesy chick flick—you know the kind, I'm sure. What's odd is that out of the two of us, I'm the gay one, but I'm also the jock and the one who likes to see action movies with little plot but lots of explosions; Mikey, the straight guy, goes to see chick flicks and bawls his eyes out. Even when he hasn't just broken up with his girlfriend. There's a reason our friends started calling him Mush—all that mushy stuff gets to him. That's probably why Jess and about half the girls in our grade fell for him... and, I realize, probably why I did, too.
But I digress.
The movie was, of course, about life, love and loss; in the end, the girl and boy who were obviously meant for each other got together, but the various other love interests they spurned along the way were forgotten. Because no one cares about other hapless characters who might be in love with the leads. Story of my life. I'll bet in ten years, Jess and Mikey run into each other and realize they're still meant to be.
But while the whole 'loss' section of the movie made Mikey realize how much he loves and already misses Jess, the same section of the movie made me realize how much I love and am going to miss Mikey.
He's the best friend I've ever had. I've known him since I was five, and we've just been... together since then. Michael-and-Ryan, who do everything together, go everywhere together, finish each other's sentences and have never once had a major fight. I know all of his secrets, and he knows basically all of mine. All except the one about me being madly in love with him.
And I can't bring myself to tell him that one. Because even though I doubt he'd let thirteen years of being best friends go just over that, well, who knows? I mean, when I told him I was gay he was a little startled, and then a day later he tried to convince me to ask out the cute grocery bagger at the supermarket. (Didn't happen.) And a week after that, when one of our local neighborhood bullies started calling me names, Mikey was the one who shut him up. And I can't stand the thought that he might be freaked out by me, and I really can't stand the thought that things might be awkward between us. And Mikey, who's perfect in so many ways—he's sweet, thoughtful, caring, adorable, has a smile that could melt butter and a body like a movie star—has two major flaws, and the first is that he's seriously oblivious. It took Jess six months to make him realize she liked him; he's never noticed that I do.
Closely related is flaw number two, which is that he's entirely heterosexual. I know, the crying at chick flicks thing threw me for a loop, but no. Despite stereotypes, he's never once showed any interest in anyone male, let alone me. Sadly.
Anyway. The point is, despite the fact that I've been in love with him for at least three years now, Mikey never realized. And the movie we saw made me realize that him leaving for California, us being separated for the first time since we were five, is going to be the hardest thing in the whole world.
So when he said he was going to miss Jess and didn't know what to do about it, and he'd miss me, I told him I'd miss him too, and kissed him.
It seemed like the right thing to do.
Mikey stared at me for a second, and I realized what I'd done. I'd just kissed my best friend. Three years I'd managed to not clue him in, and with one week left before we head off to college, there goes the neighborhood.
"Ryan?" he finally said, his voice strained.
"Mikey..."
"Why?" He didn't look at me as he asked it, he stared to the left of my head. Too upset to make eye contact. I almost wish I didn't know him so well, so I wouldn't have picked up on that.
"It seemed like the right thing to do," I said, my voice cracking. I laughed a little, tried to play it off as a joke, but no go. He knows me too well, too.
"I'd better... I mean, Mom wanted to go out shopping tonight for new luggage so I can get packing, so I'd better get home. You know. See you, Ryan." And the rush of words is what happens when he doesn't know what to say.
My best friend in the world had no idea what to say to me, and I watched him hurry away, the feeling of his lips on mine still fresh in my mind. And I let him go.
Yeah, that was all six days ago. Mikey's plane to California leaves in about twelve hours. He hasn't called me.
*
I always knew leaving for college would be hard. But I never realized I'd have to do it without my best friend. I mean, well, yes, technically, as I'm going to school in California and he's sticking it out in New York, I knew it would be without him—but I figured he'd be right there with me until the last minute, drive me to the airport along with my folks, and be the very last goodbye.
I didn't figure I'd be leaving without saying goodbye at all
Okay, I admit this is partially my fault. Ryan kissed me last week, I flipped out, and, as I had no idea what to say to him, I didn't call him. I didn't call him that night, I didn't call him the next day.
And you know how that is, right? It just gets embarrassing, the longer you wait. And even after I stopped flipping out, there were still a lot of questions I didn't know the answers to.
Like, why in god's name would Ryan kiss me? "It seemed like the right thing to do," he said. It seemed like what? Why?! I mean, I know Ryan better than I know myself, and I don't get it. He's never done anything like that before—he's never kissed anyone so far as I know. And believe me, I'd know if Ryan kissed someone; we don't have any secrets from each other.
Maybe kissing me really did seem like the right thing to do at the time. I was freaking out about breaking up with Jess; he got my mind off it. All I've been able to think about is Ryan. Ryan kissing me, the look on Ryan's face when I ran out, Ryan trying to laugh it off. And the fact that he tried to laugh it off means he knows something was wrong, I know him that well, but...
He knows I'm not homophobic, he knows he's my best friend. He knows we can talk about anything, so why didn't he call me? The way I see it, there are three possible reasons:
1) he's really upset about my reaction, since I did walk out on him and all, or;
2) he thinks I'm really upset with him, and doesn't know how to talk to me, or;
3) he died, and no one told me.
Three seems highly unlikely.
If I had some way to guess if it was one or two, I would be way happier about calling him. I mean, if it's the first, I should be calling him and begging him to forgive me. What kind of a guy lets his gay best friend think he's homophobic or, I guess, not totally supportive? When Ryan came out, I told him he was my best friend and nothing could change that, ever. And as soon as he kissed me, for whatever reason he did it, I let something come between us. God, I'm a jerk.
On the other hand, if it's the second one, I should call him and tell him I'm not upset at all. Confused, yes, but he is my best friend.
Either way, I should call him.
But either way, you know, he should call me. He's never not called me for a week before, which makes me think I must be leaving something out. There must be some reason why he's more upset than he should be, that I just don't see. And how can I face him if I don't know why he's upset? Oh man, I am the worst best friend ever.
How can I face him?
So as I lie down to sleep, my plane leaving in twelve hours, I tell myself firmly that he'll call in the morning. Whatever's bothering him, it can't be so bad that he won't call before I leave.
He'll call.
He will.
He's my best friend, he wouldn't let thirteen years of friendship go out the window like this. He'll call me.
But he doesn't.
In the morning, he doesn't call. I load my bags in to the car, he doesn't call. The whole way to the airport he doesn't call Mom's cellphone, and he doesn't call while I wait for the plane.
He doesn't call.
Ryan not calling me for a week, not bothering to flag me down to say goodbye, pretty much means he hates my guts. And I know that I wanted to go off to college with no strings attached, but the only reason I thought I'd be able to let Jess go was because Ryan was there for me. Now I have no bestfriend, no girl friend, and I'm moving across the country to where I won't know anyone at all.
Oh, man. I knew leaving for college would be hard, but I never figured I'd end up going without saying goodbye to Ryan. What happened? Why didn't you call me?
*
AN: Thanks to the people who encouraged me to continue this when I posted the original cracked out, insane rough draft in my writing journal, and double thanks to Harmony for beta reading it. As always, feedback is highly appreciated. :)
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