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Island Fortress Scientology Brigade
0 reviewsCelebrity Parody Fanfic. Can Charlie Sheen and Kanye West work together to take down the evil Tom Cruise?
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Since there's no category for Charlie Sheen or Tom Cruise. I'm putting this fanfic is this category. If that is okay with the FICWAD admins. Know you were all probably expecting me to write another South Park fanfic, truth is, I gave up on the show. It's gone on long enough. Wanted to try my hand at a genre I have never done before and I've seen people on A03 write Celebrity Fanfics, so it inspired me to do one. Without further ado, here is my first Celebrity Parody fanfic!
Actor Real Person Fiction
Fanfic Title:
Island Fortress Scientology Brigade
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
In Los Angeles on a fateful day. There lived a family called The Kardashians who were famous for being famous. Actually, their late father Robert Kardashian was a lawyer for the infamous O.J. Simpson trial that plagued the media in 1994 and 1995. That's the real reason why this family is famous in the first place. After getting done filming a season of their reality show on E Entertainment Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim was running out to the mailbox and she saw she received a mysterious invitation. Kim ran inside her LA mansion to show her family. Kanye West was doing PR work in Las Vegas.
Kim (excited and cheering): You guys! You guys! You guys! Lookee what I got!
Khloe: What did you get in the mail?
Kourtney: Please do tell us!
Kim: I got an invitation!
Kris: An invitation? To what?
Kim: From Point Grey pictures!
Khloe: Isn't that Seth Rogan's company?
Kim: It is! It says they want me to make a cameo appearance in an upcoming Seth Rogan movie! (cheering)
Khloe, Kim, Kris, and Kourtney all cheered together when they read the invitation!
Kourtney: You should go for it, Kim! This is exactly what we need! Do it for whatever publicity we can get! Do what it takes for us to boost our popularity through the roof!
Kris: Go ahead and audition! It will be good for the new season for our show!
Khloe: Let us know how it goes!
Kim: Sure will! Watch North and Saint for me!
Kris, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kris see Kim off as she goes to Point Grey Productions to audition for the cameo apperance. Little did they realize, it was going to be the last time they will ever see Kim.
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Scene 2:
Kim Kardashian was at Point Grey Pictures. It was a cattle call. Much to her surprise, she sees Jon Cryer former Two and a Half Men star there. She goes to say hi to him. Neither of them knew this was a trap.
Kim: Jon Cryer? Hi, it's me Kim Kardashian! (shakes his hand)
Jon: Oh, yes! I know you! Famous for being famous! I saw you in that sex tape from 2007! Why are you here?
Kim: Trying out for a cameo appearance in Seth Rogan's new upcoming movie.
Jon: What a coincidence, so am I!
Kim: Are you for for a cameo as well?
Jon: No, for a big part. I'm trying to get all the acting gigs as I can since Two and a Half Men ended. Hopefully, I won't have to sell my ass for this role.
Kim: That's Hollywood for you, you have to take what you can get! I'm doing this for more publicity for my reality show and my family will be popular even more!
Jon: Agree with that!
A voice over the intercom called for Jon and Kim.
Intercom: Would Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer report to the back room, please? Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer! Thank you!
Jon: That's us!
Kim and Jon went into the back room. Everyone else who was auditioning was groaning in disgust. When they were in the back room, everything was dark. They didn't know what was going on.
Jon: What's going on here? Why is this room so dark?
Kim: If anything, where are some people? Maybe someone my sisters and I can party with?
Jon and Kim try to investigate even more. The light turns on, and some people in robes walk up to them.
Kim (trembling in fear): This is so creepy!
Jon: Who are you guys?
People in Robes: We're the C people! You're coming with us!
Then they are both knocked on the heads. They disappear. When they both woke up, they found themselves tied back to back by their hands and feet. They were both in a dungeon like place. Waves were crashing against the walls of the fortress they were in. Some voices are heard in their direction.
Voice: See you two have woken up.
Jon: What is this?
Kim: Why did you kidnap us? What do you want?
The voices are Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers.
Tom: Welcome Kim and Jon.
Jon: Tell us where we are!
Mimi: You are on an island fortress in the middle of the Pacific.
Tom: Welcome to Hail L. Ron! Scientology Fortress! (laughs evilly)
Mimi and Tom: We are the Scientology Brigade!
Kim: Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers? What do you have against us? We're fellow celebrities!
Mimi: You gave television a bad name. For that.....for that......we will indoctrinate you into being like us! Scientologists!
Tom: Your life will change for the better if you convert! Once you do, you will both make tv shows and movies with good moral scientology values!
Jon: What if we refuse!
Mimi: Then you'll be our prisoners forever unless you agree to have us take out all those body theatens that are destroying your body.
Kim: This is insane! I need to get back to my family! Thought this was in audition for a new Seth Rogan movie.
Tom: That was a ruse to lure you so we can capture you! In the meantime, play with our pet gorilla. Dianetics!
Mimi and Tom both laugh diabolically as Dianetics growls in Jon's and Kim's face. Will Smith comes to see the prisoners.
Will: Did you capture them?
Tom: They're here, aren't they?
Will (going into the cell): Welcome to Hail L. Ron! (punches Jon Cryer in the face).
Mimi: This is going to be a great day for scientology! Today, Jon Cryer and Kim Kardashian! Tommorow, we will kidnap everyone in Hollywood!
Tom: That's right! Soon we will take over all of LA until everyone's state of mind is clear!
Mimi: By the way, if anyone tries to come save you.....
Tom: They will be killed on the spot by our Gun Turret!
Jon and Kim shiver in fear as Tom and Mimi laugh at their expense. Tom, Will and Mimi leave the dungeon area where they were holding Kim and Jon Cryer prisoner. Then they all go into a throne room where Jada Pinkett Smith, Jon Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Kirsty Alley were all present.
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Scene 3:
Forty Eight hours have passed. No sign of Kim Kardashian or Jon Cryer. It was front page news, and all the major news stations on Television were talking about Kim Kardashian's and Jon Cryer's disapperance.
Lester Holt: Kim Kardashian along with Jon Cryer from Two and a Half Men, vanished without a trace.
Shephard Smith: What happened to Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer? They never came back from a Seth Rogan movie audition.....
Maria Menounous: We will hear what Ryan Seacrest has to say in a moment. But first, Still no word on what happened to Jon Cryer and Kim Kardashian......we now go over to an island in the middle of the Pacific where Ross Matthews is going to tell us about a fortress? Ross?
People began to take notice that neither of them had come back from their movie audition.
E! Entertainment Correspondent Ross Matthews is at the island in the middle of the Pacific doing a report about the Island Fortress.
Ross: I'm standing here in what appears to be an Island Fortress where the celebrity Scientologists supposedly gather together. (sees Tom Cruise walk out) Here's one of them now.
Tom: Yes you are right. Welcome to Hail L. Ron! If you're a Scientologist, come on over! We have a wonderful palace here filled with awesome stuff, and we use this place to spread the great word about Scientology! (under his breath) And take over the world! We also have a Gun Turant!
Ross: Okay, whatever!
Tom: Would you like to join us, Ross?
Ross: (laughs nervously): Maybe some other time. Back over to you Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan Seacrest: Thanks Ross. It has been over two days since Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer came back from what was a movie audition for a new Seth Rogan movie. Both are missing in action. We go over live to a press conference in hopes of Kim's and Jon's safe return. Caitlyn Jenner will now speak.
Everyone in the Kardashian family Kris, Khloe, Kourtney, Rob, Black Chyna, Lisa Joyner, and the cast of Two and a Half Men sans Charlie Sheen were at the press conference. Caitlyn came up to the podium to give a speech. She was in tears.
Caitlyn (sobbing): I loved Kim as if she were my own. (sobs) I am very sad and devestated that she disappeared. Lets all hope for Kim's safe return. (sobs) Whoever has her, is a coward. Please release her back to our family. (sobs uncontrollably) This is a terrible tragedy that has happened to our family! (sobs) Bring back Kim! Bring back Kim! (walks off the podium)
Rob and Black Chyna come up the the podium.
Black Chyna: We are very sorry for Kim. Wish we'd never let her go to that audition! We were going to have her come to our show.....
Rob and Black Chyna were cut off as Kanye West runs into the press conference. And goes to the podium.
Kanye: Got back from doing PR work in Vegas when I heard the news about my ho Kim going missing! I am going to bring her back myself! Those Scientologists have her! I know it! For I am Kanye West! Supreme being and all knowing! With help from some of my ghetto homies in South Central LA, Kim will be found! I will not stop or rest until Kim is back with me and her family! I am going to need the yacht!
The Kardashians cheer at Kanye's vow. Kanye does a Ninja style jump out of the window in the Press Conference building, and then blows a whistle and a bunch of gang bangers wearing gang colors, tattoos and are armed with all sorts of weapons come to his aid.
Gang Banger #1: We saw your press conference, man! We wanna help!
Gang Banger #2: Yes, we love you Kanye! Your music speaks to us and has true meaning!
Kanye: And you will! Fall in troops! We must find Kim! Are you with me!
Gang Bangers: YES!!
Kanye: Are you with me!
Gang Bangers: YES!!
Kanye: Are you with me!
Gang Bangers: YES!!!
Kanye: Then let's go! But first, I have to make a stop.
The Kardashians give Kanye their yacht. Kanye puts a sign on the boat that says, SS Yeezus!
Kris: Have a safe mission, and bring Kim back alive!
Kanye: Don't worry, from this day forward, I am Captain Kanye West! This is the SS Yeezus!
As the Kardashians see Kanye off, he goes to Taylor Swift's house first.
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Scene 4:
In downtown LA, at a rehab center in LA, Charlie Sheen sees the whole press conference.
Charlie: Can't believe this! My ex co-star! Kidnapped! There must be something I can do.
An orderly walks into Charlie's room.
Orderly: Sorry to hear about Jon Cryer. Used to be in the TV Show with him? Correct?
Charlie: I was. Want to go out there, back Jon Cryer back and take those Scientologists down! Just know Tom Cruise has him.
Orderly: You know the rules, Charlie. You can't go anywhere until your court ordered 30 days stint of rehab is up.
Charlie: Have to be out there! Instead I'm in here! Don't you understand I have the DNA of Adonis?
Orderly: Let Kanye West do it. He will be the hero who saves the day. Just concentrate on getting clean first, Charlie.
Charlie: I'm going out there, come hell or high water! I can take down those Scientologists and save Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer better than Kanye West ever could! I have Tiger Blood after all.....
Orderly: You're the one who got yourself in here. You made your bed now you lay in it you little shit head!
Charlie: FUCK YOU! (clobbers the orderly with a bedpan)
Once the Orderly was subdued, Charlie dons on his clothes and gets a calls out a bunch of rehab patients. They all gather around to where Charlie is.
Charlie: My ex co-star Jon Cryer has been kidnapped by Tom Cruise and his Scientologists! Who wants to help me get him back!
The patients cheer and agree to help him.
Charlie: If you all help me take down, I will make sure you all will get all the drugs and alcohol you want! And I will personally see to it that none of you will ever have to go to rehab!
The patients cheer again.
Charlie: As an extra added bonus, I will give you the guys all the prostitutes they want so they can have sex! The girls will have endless sex, too!
The Patients are beginning to like what Charlie was saying!
Charlie: All of you and myself don't have a problem with drugs and alcohol anyway! We're not addicts like people say we are! We were sent here against our own free will! Society wants us to think there's something wrong with drugs to punish us for not being sober!
The Patients murmur in agreement.
Charlie: Come join me in my crusade! In the end, when we defeat Tom Cruise and save Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer, we're all going to be Duh Winning!
Patients: DUH WINNING!
Charlie: Let's GGGOOOOOO!!!!!!
Patients: DDDUUUHHHH WWWIIIINNNNIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!
The Rehab Patients were lead out of the Rehab building by Charlie Sheen. They all run down the street going out the emergency exit and Charlie orders them to break into a gun store and grab as many weapons as they can. Then Charlie and the rehab patients go down to a pier and see an old man fishing.
Old Man: Who are you nutjobs?!
Charlie: Sheen! Charlie Sheen! (under his breath) always known I'd make a good James Bond! We need to commander your ship!
Old Man: Fuck off! I'm not giving my ship to a celebrity druggie!
Charlie: It's for a good cause! I can give you....
Old Man: Out of my face you son of a bitch!
Charlie throws the old man aside and the rehab patients all stomp on him and boarded the boat. Charlie gets some spray paint and writes "SS Tiger Blood" on the front side of the boat.
Patients: For sex and drugs!
Charlie: Indeed for sex and drugs! Most importantly, FOR TRIUMPH OF THE SPIRIT!!!!! TIGER BLOOD SPIRIT!!!!
Patients: SEX AND DRUGS!!!! TRIUMPH OF THE TIGER BLOOD SPIRIT!!!
Charlie: If Kanye West can be a ship captain, so can I! We will get there before him, and I will be the hero and go down in history! I will get endless acting gigs and people will love me! I will regain the popularity I once had when I did those Major League and Hot Shots movies! From this day forward and on, You will address me as...........(puts on a Captain's hat) Captain Charlie Sheen! Welcome to the SS Tiger Blood!
The SS Tiger Blood sails off into the Pacific to Tom Cruise's Scientology Fortress Hail L. Ron.
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Scene 5:
At the Scientology Island Fortress Hail L. Ron. Tom Cruise was looking out the balcony. John Travolta and Kelly Preston join him.
Tom: I love the smell of clear in the morning, smells like victory!
Then Tom starts to reminisce about Katie Holmes and Suri.
Kelly: Remembering what you had with Katie Holmes, eh? You miss them, don't you?
Tom: To hell with Katie! Why did I even bother with that Catholic former teeny bopper bitch! All that money I spent on that cocksucking wedding we had in Italy! A WASTE! (slams his fist) Damn her for not staying with Scientology! Might send the C People to take Suri away from her someday.....
John: We all make mistakes in the love department! But look at it this way! Soon, everyone in Hollywood's state of mind will be clear!
Kelly: We're here, we're clear! Get used to it! WWWWWWOOOOOOOO (jumpes and laughs)
John: You know Tom, people might find out about us.....
Tom: What do you mean?
Kelly: Ross Matthews was sent here by E! Entertainment to do a report about this fortress.
Tom: I know he was....
John: What if someone tries to take us down?
Tom: Let them come, we will defeat them! With Scientology!
Kelly: Like the sound of that! At least nobody knows Kim and Jon are here as prisoners.
Mimi Rogers summons everyone inside with an air horn.
Will: Is this a meeting?
Jada Pickett: Why did you call us?
Mimi (opens a door with a remote): This door has lots of weaponry. So if someone does try to take us down, they won't get past!
The weapons room had a sonar, fighter jets, machine guns, uzis, bazookas, and every other weapon one can imagine.
Mimi: We can track someone down who tries to come near us with this sonar radar! (points to the radar)
John: I want those planes! I can fly them you know! (does the disco dance from Saturday Night Fever)
Will: Cool! There's some weapons in there from when I did those Men in Black movies! Some from Enemy of the State, and Bad Boys! Seeing those weapons takes me back.......
Mimi: Exactly. So, rest assured, we are safe!
Jada Pickett: Nobody will ever see Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer again!
Kelly: Anyone seen Kirsty?
Kirsty: Here I am! Was trying to indoctrinate the prisoners with my Earthquake powers!
John: Did it work?
Kirsty (sadly): No it didn't.
Meanwhile, at Taylor Swift's mansion, Kanye West and his gang bangers break in.
Taylor (screams in terror): WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!!! (sees Kanye) YOU AGAIN!!!!
Kanye: Taylor, you're coming with us!
Taylor: WHY? WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME ALL THE TIME?!?!?!?!
Kanye: Taylor, you're a very talented white country girl, but Beyonce is WAY more talented then YOU!
Taylor: You just won't give up on that, will you? Ever since you dissed me at the 2009 MTV Awards.....
Kanye: Gang bangers, grab her! And put her on the SS Yeezus!
Taylor: YOU'RE INSANE!!!!
The Gang Bangers did as they were told and grabbed Taylor Swift and forced her into the Kardashians' Yacht which was now called the SS Yeezus. Taylor Swift screamed in protest.
Kanye: Tie her up!
The Gang Bangers tied up and gagged Taylor Swift.
Kanye: Good work! We can use her for a shield! Let's set sail, Ghetto Homies! FOR KIM! FOR THE KARDASHIANS! FOR SAINT AND WEST! AND MOST OF ALL........FOR YEEZUS!
Taylor Swift was bound and gagged at the bottom of the SS Yeezus hidden away. Kanye West and the Gang Bangers were sailing off into the Pacific to take down Tom Cruise and his Scientology Fortress, Hail L. Ron!
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Scene 6:
Jon Cryer and Kim Kardashian were still being held in the dungeon. They try to break free but fail. Tom Cruise was on his way to check on them, and the gorilla guard Dianetics was standing by the door.
Kim: Did Kirsty Alley try to kill us earlier?
Jon: No, she used some kind of Earthquake power to get us to convert. Keep refusing!
Kim: Want nothing to do with this Scientology nonsense. Sure hope someone will notice what happened to us.
Jon (sadly): They'll notice you're gone, but not me so much.
Kim: Gotta get back in time to tape the new season of my show.
Jon: That's easy for you to say. People pretty much have forgotten about me....
Kim: That's not true....
Jon: Oh yes it is. Ever since Two and a Half Men ended, nobody has wanted to have anything to do with me. Even my fans. Fame is fleeting, Kim. Someday, the same thing will happen to you.
Kim: That's scary. Don't want to think about that happening to me or my family......
Jon: We tried everything to get out of here, and nothing worked.
Kim: You think people will forget about me too?
Jon: Your legacy will live on....(sarcastically)...everybody just loves you!
Tom Cruise appears in the window of the door to the dungeon.
Kim: Tom Cruise, you bastard! I demand you let us go!
Tom: Not until you agree to convert to Scientology!
Jon: NEVER!
Tom: OKay, then. You will both stay our prisoners forever!
Kim: You'll never turn us into Scientologists!
Tom: You can have enternal fame if you convert! Worked for me! You have no idea how much Scientology can change your life! For the better! (throws a book into their dungeon) Maybe this will make you change your mind. The only way to be set free is to agree to join us!
Dianetics the Gorilla Guard was being lead away by Tom.
Tom: Come Dianetics! Mimi Rogers is about to make a big speech! As for you two, someday you will realize just how wonderful it is to have a state of mind be clear!
Jon and Kim fear the worst as Tom Cruise goes to here Mimi Rogers's speech.
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Scene 7:
In the Pacific Ocean, Kayne West was on his yacht aboard the SS Yeezus, and miles behind him, Charlie Sheen was on his boat the SS Tiger Blood. Charlie drives up on his boat to Kanye. They shout at one another as they race against each other!
Charlie: Hey, Kanye! I'm getting there before you!
Kanye: WHAT? You want to take down Tom Cruise, too?
Charlie: Yes! I'm doing this to be a hero! And for my fellow rehabbers!
Taylor Swift mumbled in protest!
Kanye: SHUT UP, REDNECK BITCH! Anyway, So am I! My ghetto homies are ready to fight! Wanna save my bitch ho wife, Kim!
Charlie: I'm rescuing my former co-star!
Kanye: Put a cork in it, asshole! Your honky white ass won't ever get the credit for this!
Charlie: My army of rehab patients will beat you to the punch!
Kanye: Some army you got! Bunch of pathetic acid heads.
Charlie: You're not stealing my glory for this! For I am (in a sing song voice) CAPTAIN CHARLIE SHEEN OF THE SS TIGER BLOOD!
Kanye: When we take down the Scientology Fortress, they're going to give me all the reverence and acclaim! And your sorry honky ass will go back to rehab, or jail!
Charlie: Not if I can help it!
Kanye and Charlie race against each other in their boats. Kayne even bumped his boat into Charlie's boat. Charlie in a vengeful and bold move, he retaliates by ramming into Kanye's yacht!
Charlie: I'm going to get great rememberance for this! In the end, I will get more acting gigs! Chicks will want to have sex with me! I will make a great big huge enormous comeback! Because I am DUH WINNING!
Kanye: You're getting something enormous all right! In your pants! And don't you dare diss the SS Yeezus! Face it, Charlie! I've accomplished a lot in my life! I'm more popular than you! I'm the voice of a generation! You're just a has been washed up has been dope fiend!
Charlie and Kanye continue to argue. Then a jet ski races up to both their boats. It was Justin Bieber.
Justin: Hey, dudes! What's up dawgs! Heard about Tom Cruise's Scientology Fortress! Room for one more?
Charlie and Kanye both hit Justin Bieber over the head with bazookas. Justin Bieber flies off and lands in the deep Pacific Waters.
Justin (gurgling); Baby.......baby.......baby.........
Back at the Scientology Fortress, Mimi Rogers was making a speech.
Mimi: A lot of people like to think Scientologists are insane, demented, and dillusional. And want an outside voice to tell them what to do....
Will: You tell it like it is!
Jada Pickett: Preach it loud, sistah!
Mimi: They are wrong. Scientology is tranquil. Scientology is harmony. Scientology is pacification! Scientology is peace!
The sonar radar was blipping. Kelly Preston goes to check it.
Kelly: My gosh! John, honey! Come look!
John Travolta sees on the sonar radar that someone was coming.
Kelly: What could it mean?
John: I know what it means. Somebody's coming!
Tom Cruise begins to panic, wriggle, writh, and squirm. Dianetics the guard gorilla was looking at Tom Cruise with such concern in his eyes.
Will: Uh, Tom. Dianetics wants to know what you're doing!
Tom (fidgets and squeals): Check and see who's coming!
Kirsty: It appears to be.......Kanye West......and Charlie Sheen.
Tom and Mimi: Battle stations!
Mimi, Tom, Will, Jada Pickett, Kirsty, John, and Kelly grab as many weapons as they can. John Travolta goes inside the fighter jet. Charlie Sheen and Kanye West have both reached their destination. Charlie Sheen's army of rehab patients have their weapons ready, as do Kanye West's army of Gang Bangers with Taylor Swift in their clutches. The Celebrity Scientologists prepare for battle.
Tom: If all else fails, use the gun turret!
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Scene 8:
Captains Charlie Sheen and Kanye West have finally reached the Pacific Island. They parked their boats at the shoreline of the Hail L. Ron Scientology Fortress. They advise their armies of Rehab patients and Gang Bangers to shoot at whatever comes their way.
Kanye: By the power of Yeezus, I command all to kick some ass!
Charlie: What makes you think you're going to get praise for this, Kanye?
Kanye: Because I'm a black man, and I'm associated with the Kardashians!
Charlie: You blacks get credit for everything these days.
Kanye: Shut up, that's racist! Let's focus on taking these fucker Scientologists down! Use Taylor Swift as a sheild!
Charlie: Only thing we can agree on for now! Okay, armies, listen up! Kanye and me are going to shoot at that sign, and you all shoot at everything else, got it!
Gang Bangers: Hooray for Yeezus!
Rehab Patients: DUH WINNING!
Kanye and Charlie both notice the Hail L. Ron Sign out front of the Scientology Fortress. Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Jada Pickett Smith, Kirsty Alley, and their army of C People were outside the fortress. John Travolta was up in a fighter jet. Taylor Swift sat helplessly and watched the whole war.
Tom: Give it up you losers! You won't win with wretched pitiful armies like that! Why don't you both surrender and join us in the wonders of Scientology!
Mimi: Afraid they won't agree with that, Tom! All right, C People, Tom Cruise and everyone else! Let's waste these ego driven assholes! FIRE!!!!
Taylor: HELP!! CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Kanye: Shut up, bitch! (slaps Taylor)
Gunfire was exchanged! A battle ensues! The Rehab Patients and Gang Bangers were shooting up the C People. Some were even killed. Tom Cruise, Mimi Rogers, Will Smith, Jada Pickett, Kelly Preston were shooting up the Rehab Patients and Gang Bangers. John Travolta was up in the air with the fighter jet and shoots up The Kardashian's yacht! Kanye was pissed! Kirsty Alley was jumping up and down causing Earthquakes.
Kirsty: I don't need weapons, I got my fat! Who needs Weight Watchers!
Taylor (screams in terror): THIS IS PURE INSANITY! I'M WRITING A SONG ABOUT THIS!
John: HA HA! TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
Will (shooting his weapons): Check me out! I'm gettin' Jiggy with it!
Tom: Great job! Keep doing what you're doing! (shoots machine guns)
Kanye: You'll pay for that, Travolta! You honky Italian son of the bitch!
Charlie (at this army of Rehab Patients): Don't let them win! Think of all the drugs and prostitutes you'll get!
Kanye and Charlie both shoot at the Hail L. Ron Sign. Some Rehab Patients shot John Travolta down, and he crashes into the Gun Turret but is okay. The Gun Turret shoots at maximum capacity. Taylor Swift continues to scream her head off.
Charlie: Holy fucking shit! Rahabbers fire away!
Kanye (motivating his troops): Stop being lazy assholes, Gang Bangers! Shoot at the C People, and that Gun Turret!
Gang Banger: Yes sir, Yeezus!
Kanye: By the end of the day, I'm going to be the new religious prophet! And I'm running for President in 2020! I will build a wall that will keep honkies out of the USA! Like you, Taylor!
Taylor: HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!
Rehab Patients, Gang Bangers, and C People were shooting at each other and some were getting killed. Charlie and Kanye got some mortors and bazookas.
Charlie: Useless armies!
Kanye: They're all rehab patients, what do you expect!
Charlie: Now let's shoot at the Gun Turret!
Kanye: We're bringing in the big guns now, dawg!
Charlie and Kanye shoot at the Gun Turret and it exploded, then they shot at the Hail L. Ron sign and it crushed into smithereens. Charlie and Kanye run inside to rescue Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer. But they kept falling over due to Kisty Alley's earthquake powers.
Kelly: They shot our Gun Turret! We're defenseless now!
Jada Pickett: We can't let them win! What do we do?
Kanye: Gang Bangers, Yeezus orders you...(falling over)...woah!..... all to keep shooting at those shithead..(falling over)....woah! C People! Try to get Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers, too!
Charlie: We're going in!.. (falls over)...woah! Must have my Tiger Blood power. (falls over)......woah! To overcome this!
Kirsty: Feel the wrath of my earthquakes, bitches! (jumps up and down)
In the dungeon where Kim and Jon were being held. They heard the commotion outside but had no faith they were going to be rescued. Charlie has a bag of freebase on him.
Jon: Why us! Why us! Why us! (sobs)
Kim: There you go again with the crying.....
Jon: Why couldn't this have happened to Branangelina instead? (sobs)
Kim: Agree with that, but why not BenJen?
Charlie and Kanye managed to find Jon and Kim tied up in a dungeon. Charlie used the freebase on the walls to make the Island Fortress explode.
Kim (sees Kanye): Kanye! You saved me!
Kanye: I'm here for you, baby! (opens the dungeon door)
Jon: Charlie! You're here, too!
Charlie: Of course, you're my ex co-star!
Kanye and Charlie untie Kim and Jon. Then they run out of the dungeon.
Kim: Why are we running?
Kanye: No time to explain, ho!
Jon: Do we follow then?
Charlie: Yes! There's a reason why we're running, though!
Jon: Why is that?
Charlie: I put freebase on the walls, as soon as we run out, I will light a match and blow this place up!
As soon as they were headed for the exit, Charlie lit a match on the walls where he put the freebase. Jon, Kim, Kanye, and Charlie all run out of Hail L. Ron Scientology Fortress in slow motion! Whatever was left of the Gang Bangers and the Rehab Patients were still fighting with C People and Tom Cruise and his goons. Jon, Kim, Charlie and Kanye make it out of the Fortress in time and thanks to Charlie Sheen's freebase, the whole Fortress exploded. Tom Cruise screamed in anguish. Taylor Swift threw up.
Tom: NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!! MY FORTRESS!!! MY BEAUTIFUL SCIENTOLOGY FORTRESS!
John: I think we need to retreat!
Kelly: Good idea!
Mimi: Don't worry, Tom! We'll go back to the Church of Scientology in LA.
Will: Even though we're defeated for now, we'll come back stronger!
Tom (sighs despondantly): Okay.
Kirsty: Let's get out of here before we're swiss cheese. mmmmmm! Swiss cheese!
So, John Tom, Kelly, Jada Pickett, Will, Mimi, and Kirsty all went into a hot air balloon to retreat. The Hail L. Ron Scientology Fortress was no more. It was in ruins. Charlie and Kanye tell their troops to cease fire.
Jon: Great job, Charlie! You saved our asses back there.
Kim: Oh, Kanye! I thought I'd never see you again! Thanks for saving me.
Kanye: It was my pleasure babe! I did marry you for publicity after all!
Kim: That's the way I like it!
Kanye: Let's go home and do another season of your show!
Charlie: I blew up that fortress thanks to good all fashioned freebase! Who says drugs are bad for you and destroy lives!
Kim cried in Kanye's arms as she was being taken home and saw their yacht was destroyed.
Charlie: We'll take my boat. You're rich Kim, you can always get a new family yacht.
Taylor (still tied up and jumps to catch up): What about me! I was abducted by that lunatic! Wait up! Wait up! Don't I count, too?
Dianetics the Gorilla Guard comes up from behind Taylor Swift and grabs her as she yells. Kim, Jon, Charlie, Kanye, and what was left of the rehab patients and gang bangers all boarded Charlie's boat to go back to LA. Taylor Swift eventually caught up, and the Kardashians took her home. The next day, Tom Cruise, Mimi Roges, Will Smith, Jada Pickett Smith, Dianetics the Gorilla Guard, Kelly Preston, John Travolta, and Kirsty were all back in the Church of Scientology in disgrace. A ticker take parade took place honoring the heroics of Kanye West and Charlie Sheen. Kris, Kaitlyn, Khloe, Kourtney, Kylie, and Kendra were in the audience cheering for Kanye. And they bought a new family yacht. Kanye West and Charlie Sheen were in a motorcade waving to everybody. The LAPD came and the parade stopped.
Policeman: Charlie Sheen, come with us, please?
Charlie (stepping out of the motorcade): What can I do for you officers?
Three LAPD policemen apprehended Charlie Sheen.
Charlie: Why are you doing this to me? I'm the hero!
Policeman: You're under arrest for public intoxication, robbery of a gun store, and stealing a boat!
Charlie: NO!!!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M TIGER BLOOD! I HAVE ADONIS DNA! HHEEELLLPPP!!!
Policeman: Back to jail and rehab for you, asshole! (hits Charlie Sheen with a nightstick)
The parade went back on. Kanye West got his wish and he took all the credit for saving Kim Kardashian, taking down The Scientology Fortress Hail L. Ron, and he went down in history for being a hero. Kanye West was basking in the glow of his over inflated ego. Kanye even gave a concert after the parade was over. Even the newspapers were talking about him taking down Tom Cruise's evil scheme. Kayne West was on the cover of every magazine and the newspaper's front page. The front page of the LA Times read:
THE LA TIMES WOULD LIKE TO THANK AND COMMEMORATE KAYNE WEST! FOR HIS HEROICS, BRAVERY, DIGNITY, AND HONOR. FOR RUBBING OUT TOM CRUISE'S EVIL SCIENTOLOGY PLOT AND A JOB WELL DONE!
THREE MONTHS LATER:
At the Pacific Island where the Scientology Fortress once stood, Donald Trump was there making a speech with a huge audience.
Donald: In order to make America Great Again, I am going to get rid of these stupid fairy tale style religions!
The audience cheered at Trump's speech.
Donald: This will be the place where I will make the border! When I become your new President!
Trump now owned the Pacific Island. Trump was free to do whatever he wants with it!
THE END
Actor Real Person Fiction
Fanfic Title:
Island Fortress Scientology Brigade
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
In Los Angeles on a fateful day. There lived a family called The Kardashians who were famous for being famous. Actually, their late father Robert Kardashian was a lawyer for the infamous O.J. Simpson trial that plagued the media in 1994 and 1995. That's the real reason why this family is famous in the first place. After getting done filming a season of their reality show on E Entertainment Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim was running out to the mailbox and she saw she received a mysterious invitation. Kim ran inside her LA mansion to show her family. Kanye West was doing PR work in Las Vegas.
Kim (excited and cheering): You guys! You guys! You guys! Lookee what I got!
Khloe: What did you get in the mail?
Kourtney: Please do tell us!
Kim: I got an invitation!
Kris: An invitation? To what?
Kim: From Point Grey pictures!
Khloe: Isn't that Seth Rogan's company?
Kim: It is! It says they want me to make a cameo appearance in an upcoming Seth Rogan movie! (cheering)
Khloe, Kim, Kris, and Kourtney all cheered together when they read the invitation!
Kourtney: You should go for it, Kim! This is exactly what we need! Do it for whatever publicity we can get! Do what it takes for us to boost our popularity through the roof!
Kris: Go ahead and audition! It will be good for the new season for our show!
Khloe: Let us know how it goes!
Kim: Sure will! Watch North and Saint for me!
Kris, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kris see Kim off as she goes to Point Grey Productions to audition for the cameo apperance. Little did they realize, it was going to be the last time they will ever see Kim.
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Scene 2:
Kim Kardashian was at Point Grey Pictures. It was a cattle call. Much to her surprise, she sees Jon Cryer former Two and a Half Men star there. She goes to say hi to him. Neither of them knew this was a trap.
Kim: Jon Cryer? Hi, it's me Kim Kardashian! (shakes his hand)
Jon: Oh, yes! I know you! Famous for being famous! I saw you in that sex tape from 2007! Why are you here?
Kim: Trying out for a cameo appearance in Seth Rogan's new upcoming movie.
Jon: What a coincidence, so am I!
Kim: Are you for for a cameo as well?
Jon: No, for a big part. I'm trying to get all the acting gigs as I can since Two and a Half Men ended. Hopefully, I won't have to sell my ass for this role.
Kim: That's Hollywood for you, you have to take what you can get! I'm doing this for more publicity for my reality show and my family will be popular even more!
Jon: Agree with that!
A voice over the intercom called for Jon and Kim.
Intercom: Would Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer report to the back room, please? Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer! Thank you!
Jon: That's us!
Kim and Jon went into the back room. Everyone else who was auditioning was groaning in disgust. When they were in the back room, everything was dark. They didn't know what was going on.
Jon: What's going on here? Why is this room so dark?
Kim: If anything, where are some people? Maybe someone my sisters and I can party with?
Jon and Kim try to investigate even more. The light turns on, and some people in robes walk up to them.
Kim (trembling in fear): This is so creepy!
Jon: Who are you guys?
People in Robes: We're the C people! You're coming with us!
Then they are both knocked on the heads. They disappear. When they both woke up, they found themselves tied back to back by their hands and feet. They were both in a dungeon like place. Waves were crashing against the walls of the fortress they were in. Some voices are heard in their direction.
Voice: See you two have woken up.
Jon: What is this?
Kim: Why did you kidnap us? What do you want?
The voices are Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers.
Tom: Welcome Kim and Jon.
Jon: Tell us where we are!
Mimi: You are on an island fortress in the middle of the Pacific.
Tom: Welcome to Hail L. Ron! Scientology Fortress! (laughs evilly)
Mimi and Tom: We are the Scientology Brigade!
Kim: Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers? What do you have against us? We're fellow celebrities!
Mimi: You gave television a bad name. For that.....for that......we will indoctrinate you into being like us! Scientologists!
Tom: Your life will change for the better if you convert! Once you do, you will both make tv shows and movies with good moral scientology values!
Jon: What if we refuse!
Mimi: Then you'll be our prisoners forever unless you agree to have us take out all those body theatens that are destroying your body.
Kim: This is insane! I need to get back to my family! Thought this was in audition for a new Seth Rogan movie.
Tom: That was a ruse to lure you so we can capture you! In the meantime, play with our pet gorilla. Dianetics!
Mimi and Tom both laugh diabolically as Dianetics growls in Jon's and Kim's face. Will Smith comes to see the prisoners.
Will: Did you capture them?
Tom: They're here, aren't they?
Will (going into the cell): Welcome to Hail L. Ron! (punches Jon Cryer in the face).
Mimi: This is going to be a great day for scientology! Today, Jon Cryer and Kim Kardashian! Tommorow, we will kidnap everyone in Hollywood!
Tom: That's right! Soon we will take over all of LA until everyone's state of mind is clear!
Mimi: By the way, if anyone tries to come save you.....
Tom: They will be killed on the spot by our Gun Turret!
Jon and Kim shiver in fear as Tom and Mimi laugh at their expense. Tom, Will and Mimi leave the dungeon area where they were holding Kim and Jon Cryer prisoner. Then they all go into a throne room where Jada Pinkett Smith, Jon Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Kirsty Alley were all present.
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Scene 3:
Forty Eight hours have passed. No sign of Kim Kardashian or Jon Cryer. It was front page news, and all the major news stations on Television were talking about Kim Kardashian's and Jon Cryer's disapperance.
Lester Holt: Kim Kardashian along with Jon Cryer from Two and a Half Men, vanished without a trace.
Shephard Smith: What happened to Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer? They never came back from a Seth Rogan movie audition.....
Maria Menounous: We will hear what Ryan Seacrest has to say in a moment. But first, Still no word on what happened to Jon Cryer and Kim Kardashian......we now go over to an island in the middle of the Pacific where Ross Matthews is going to tell us about a fortress? Ross?
People began to take notice that neither of them had come back from their movie audition.
E! Entertainment Correspondent Ross Matthews is at the island in the middle of the Pacific doing a report about the Island Fortress.
Ross: I'm standing here in what appears to be an Island Fortress where the celebrity Scientologists supposedly gather together. (sees Tom Cruise walk out) Here's one of them now.
Tom: Yes you are right. Welcome to Hail L. Ron! If you're a Scientologist, come on over! We have a wonderful palace here filled with awesome stuff, and we use this place to spread the great word about Scientology! (under his breath) And take over the world! We also have a Gun Turant!
Ross: Okay, whatever!
Tom: Would you like to join us, Ross?
Ross: (laughs nervously): Maybe some other time. Back over to you Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan Seacrest: Thanks Ross. It has been over two days since Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer came back from what was a movie audition for a new Seth Rogan movie. Both are missing in action. We go over live to a press conference in hopes of Kim's and Jon's safe return. Caitlyn Jenner will now speak.
Everyone in the Kardashian family Kris, Khloe, Kourtney, Rob, Black Chyna, Lisa Joyner, and the cast of Two and a Half Men sans Charlie Sheen were at the press conference. Caitlyn came up to the podium to give a speech. She was in tears.
Caitlyn (sobbing): I loved Kim as if she were my own. (sobs) I am very sad and devestated that she disappeared. Lets all hope for Kim's safe return. (sobs) Whoever has her, is a coward. Please release her back to our family. (sobs uncontrollably) This is a terrible tragedy that has happened to our family! (sobs) Bring back Kim! Bring back Kim! (walks off the podium)
Rob and Black Chyna come up the the podium.
Black Chyna: We are very sorry for Kim. Wish we'd never let her go to that audition! We were going to have her come to our show.....
Rob and Black Chyna were cut off as Kanye West runs into the press conference. And goes to the podium.
Kanye: Got back from doing PR work in Vegas when I heard the news about my ho Kim going missing! I am going to bring her back myself! Those Scientologists have her! I know it! For I am Kanye West! Supreme being and all knowing! With help from some of my ghetto homies in South Central LA, Kim will be found! I will not stop or rest until Kim is back with me and her family! I am going to need the yacht!
The Kardashians cheer at Kanye's vow. Kanye does a Ninja style jump out of the window in the Press Conference building, and then blows a whistle and a bunch of gang bangers wearing gang colors, tattoos and are armed with all sorts of weapons come to his aid.
Gang Banger #1: We saw your press conference, man! We wanna help!
Gang Banger #2: Yes, we love you Kanye! Your music speaks to us and has true meaning!
Kanye: And you will! Fall in troops! We must find Kim! Are you with me!
Gang Bangers: YES!!
Kanye: Are you with me!
Gang Bangers: YES!!
Kanye: Are you with me!
Gang Bangers: YES!!!
Kanye: Then let's go! But first, I have to make a stop.
The Kardashians give Kanye their yacht. Kanye puts a sign on the boat that says, SS Yeezus!
Kris: Have a safe mission, and bring Kim back alive!
Kanye: Don't worry, from this day forward, I am Captain Kanye West! This is the SS Yeezus!
As the Kardashians see Kanye off, he goes to Taylor Swift's house first.
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Scene 4:
In downtown LA, at a rehab center in LA, Charlie Sheen sees the whole press conference.
Charlie: Can't believe this! My ex co-star! Kidnapped! There must be something I can do.
An orderly walks into Charlie's room.
Orderly: Sorry to hear about Jon Cryer. Used to be in the TV Show with him? Correct?
Charlie: I was. Want to go out there, back Jon Cryer back and take those Scientologists down! Just know Tom Cruise has him.
Orderly: You know the rules, Charlie. You can't go anywhere until your court ordered 30 days stint of rehab is up.
Charlie: Have to be out there! Instead I'm in here! Don't you understand I have the DNA of Adonis?
Orderly: Let Kanye West do it. He will be the hero who saves the day. Just concentrate on getting clean first, Charlie.
Charlie: I'm going out there, come hell or high water! I can take down those Scientologists and save Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer better than Kanye West ever could! I have Tiger Blood after all.....
Orderly: You're the one who got yourself in here. You made your bed now you lay in it you little shit head!
Charlie: FUCK YOU! (clobbers the orderly with a bedpan)
Once the Orderly was subdued, Charlie dons on his clothes and gets a calls out a bunch of rehab patients. They all gather around to where Charlie is.
Charlie: My ex co-star Jon Cryer has been kidnapped by Tom Cruise and his Scientologists! Who wants to help me get him back!
The patients cheer and agree to help him.
Charlie: If you all help me take down, I will make sure you all will get all the drugs and alcohol you want! And I will personally see to it that none of you will ever have to go to rehab!
The patients cheer again.
Charlie: As an extra added bonus, I will give you the guys all the prostitutes they want so they can have sex! The girls will have endless sex, too!
The Patients are beginning to like what Charlie was saying!
Charlie: All of you and myself don't have a problem with drugs and alcohol anyway! We're not addicts like people say we are! We were sent here against our own free will! Society wants us to think there's something wrong with drugs to punish us for not being sober!
The Patients murmur in agreement.
Charlie: Come join me in my crusade! In the end, when we defeat Tom Cruise and save Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer, we're all going to be Duh Winning!
Patients: DUH WINNING!
Charlie: Let's GGGOOOOOO!!!!!!
Patients: DDDUUUHHHH WWWIIIINNNNIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!
The Rehab Patients were lead out of the Rehab building by Charlie Sheen. They all run down the street going out the emergency exit and Charlie orders them to break into a gun store and grab as many weapons as they can. Then Charlie and the rehab patients go down to a pier and see an old man fishing.
Old Man: Who are you nutjobs?!
Charlie: Sheen! Charlie Sheen! (under his breath) always known I'd make a good James Bond! We need to commander your ship!
Old Man: Fuck off! I'm not giving my ship to a celebrity druggie!
Charlie: It's for a good cause! I can give you....
Old Man: Out of my face you son of a bitch!
Charlie throws the old man aside and the rehab patients all stomp on him and boarded the boat. Charlie gets some spray paint and writes "SS Tiger Blood" on the front side of the boat.
Patients: For sex and drugs!
Charlie: Indeed for sex and drugs! Most importantly, FOR TRIUMPH OF THE SPIRIT!!!!! TIGER BLOOD SPIRIT!!!!
Patients: SEX AND DRUGS!!!! TRIUMPH OF THE TIGER BLOOD SPIRIT!!!
Charlie: If Kanye West can be a ship captain, so can I! We will get there before him, and I will be the hero and go down in history! I will get endless acting gigs and people will love me! I will regain the popularity I once had when I did those Major League and Hot Shots movies! From this day forward and on, You will address me as...........(puts on a Captain's hat) Captain Charlie Sheen! Welcome to the SS Tiger Blood!
The SS Tiger Blood sails off into the Pacific to Tom Cruise's Scientology Fortress Hail L. Ron.
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Scene 5:
At the Scientology Island Fortress Hail L. Ron. Tom Cruise was looking out the balcony. John Travolta and Kelly Preston join him.
Tom: I love the smell of clear in the morning, smells like victory!
Then Tom starts to reminisce about Katie Holmes and Suri.
Kelly: Remembering what you had with Katie Holmes, eh? You miss them, don't you?
Tom: To hell with Katie! Why did I even bother with that Catholic former teeny bopper bitch! All that money I spent on that cocksucking wedding we had in Italy! A WASTE! (slams his fist) Damn her for not staying with Scientology! Might send the C People to take Suri away from her someday.....
John: We all make mistakes in the love department! But look at it this way! Soon, everyone in Hollywood's state of mind will be clear!
Kelly: We're here, we're clear! Get used to it! WWWWWWOOOOOOOO (jumpes and laughs)
John: You know Tom, people might find out about us.....
Tom: What do you mean?
Kelly: Ross Matthews was sent here by E! Entertainment to do a report about this fortress.
Tom: I know he was....
John: What if someone tries to take us down?
Tom: Let them come, we will defeat them! With Scientology!
Kelly: Like the sound of that! At least nobody knows Kim and Jon are here as prisoners.
Mimi Rogers summons everyone inside with an air horn.
Will: Is this a meeting?
Jada Pickett: Why did you call us?
Mimi (opens a door with a remote): This door has lots of weaponry. So if someone does try to take us down, they won't get past!
The weapons room had a sonar, fighter jets, machine guns, uzis, bazookas, and every other weapon one can imagine.
Mimi: We can track someone down who tries to come near us with this sonar radar! (points to the radar)
John: I want those planes! I can fly them you know! (does the disco dance from Saturday Night Fever)
Will: Cool! There's some weapons in there from when I did those Men in Black movies! Some from Enemy of the State, and Bad Boys! Seeing those weapons takes me back.......
Mimi: Exactly. So, rest assured, we are safe!
Jada Pickett: Nobody will ever see Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer again!
Kelly: Anyone seen Kirsty?
Kirsty: Here I am! Was trying to indoctrinate the prisoners with my Earthquake powers!
John: Did it work?
Kirsty (sadly): No it didn't.
Meanwhile, at Taylor Swift's mansion, Kanye West and his gang bangers break in.
Taylor (screams in terror): WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!!! (sees Kanye) YOU AGAIN!!!!
Kanye: Taylor, you're coming with us!
Taylor: WHY? WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME ALL THE TIME?!?!?!?!
Kanye: Taylor, you're a very talented white country girl, but Beyonce is WAY more talented then YOU!
Taylor: You just won't give up on that, will you? Ever since you dissed me at the 2009 MTV Awards.....
Kanye: Gang bangers, grab her! And put her on the SS Yeezus!
Taylor: YOU'RE INSANE!!!!
The Gang Bangers did as they were told and grabbed Taylor Swift and forced her into the Kardashians' Yacht which was now called the SS Yeezus. Taylor Swift screamed in protest.
Kanye: Tie her up!
The Gang Bangers tied up and gagged Taylor Swift.
Kanye: Good work! We can use her for a shield! Let's set sail, Ghetto Homies! FOR KIM! FOR THE KARDASHIANS! FOR SAINT AND WEST! AND MOST OF ALL........FOR YEEZUS!
Taylor Swift was bound and gagged at the bottom of the SS Yeezus hidden away. Kanye West and the Gang Bangers were sailing off into the Pacific to take down Tom Cruise and his Scientology Fortress, Hail L. Ron!
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Scene 6:
Jon Cryer and Kim Kardashian were still being held in the dungeon. They try to break free but fail. Tom Cruise was on his way to check on them, and the gorilla guard Dianetics was standing by the door.
Kim: Did Kirsty Alley try to kill us earlier?
Jon: No, she used some kind of Earthquake power to get us to convert. Keep refusing!
Kim: Want nothing to do with this Scientology nonsense. Sure hope someone will notice what happened to us.
Jon (sadly): They'll notice you're gone, but not me so much.
Kim: Gotta get back in time to tape the new season of my show.
Jon: That's easy for you to say. People pretty much have forgotten about me....
Kim: That's not true....
Jon: Oh yes it is. Ever since Two and a Half Men ended, nobody has wanted to have anything to do with me. Even my fans. Fame is fleeting, Kim. Someday, the same thing will happen to you.
Kim: That's scary. Don't want to think about that happening to me or my family......
Jon: We tried everything to get out of here, and nothing worked.
Kim: You think people will forget about me too?
Jon: Your legacy will live on....(sarcastically)...everybody just loves you!
Tom Cruise appears in the window of the door to the dungeon.
Kim: Tom Cruise, you bastard! I demand you let us go!
Tom: Not until you agree to convert to Scientology!
Jon: NEVER!
Tom: OKay, then. You will both stay our prisoners forever!
Kim: You'll never turn us into Scientologists!
Tom: You can have enternal fame if you convert! Worked for me! You have no idea how much Scientology can change your life! For the better! (throws a book into their dungeon) Maybe this will make you change your mind. The only way to be set free is to agree to join us!
Dianetics the Gorilla Guard was being lead away by Tom.
Tom: Come Dianetics! Mimi Rogers is about to make a big speech! As for you two, someday you will realize just how wonderful it is to have a state of mind be clear!
Jon and Kim fear the worst as Tom Cruise goes to here Mimi Rogers's speech.
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Scene 7:
In the Pacific Ocean, Kayne West was on his yacht aboard the SS Yeezus, and miles behind him, Charlie Sheen was on his boat the SS Tiger Blood. Charlie drives up on his boat to Kanye. They shout at one another as they race against each other!
Charlie: Hey, Kanye! I'm getting there before you!
Kanye: WHAT? You want to take down Tom Cruise, too?
Charlie: Yes! I'm doing this to be a hero! And for my fellow rehabbers!
Taylor Swift mumbled in protest!
Kanye: SHUT UP, REDNECK BITCH! Anyway, So am I! My ghetto homies are ready to fight! Wanna save my bitch ho wife, Kim!
Charlie: I'm rescuing my former co-star!
Kanye: Put a cork in it, asshole! Your honky white ass won't ever get the credit for this!
Charlie: My army of rehab patients will beat you to the punch!
Kanye: Some army you got! Bunch of pathetic acid heads.
Charlie: You're not stealing my glory for this! For I am (in a sing song voice) CAPTAIN CHARLIE SHEEN OF THE SS TIGER BLOOD!
Kanye: When we take down the Scientology Fortress, they're going to give me all the reverence and acclaim! And your sorry honky ass will go back to rehab, or jail!
Charlie: Not if I can help it!
Kanye and Charlie race against each other in their boats. Kayne even bumped his boat into Charlie's boat. Charlie in a vengeful and bold move, he retaliates by ramming into Kanye's yacht!
Charlie: I'm going to get great rememberance for this! In the end, I will get more acting gigs! Chicks will want to have sex with me! I will make a great big huge enormous comeback! Because I am DUH WINNING!
Kanye: You're getting something enormous all right! In your pants! And don't you dare diss the SS Yeezus! Face it, Charlie! I've accomplished a lot in my life! I'm more popular than you! I'm the voice of a generation! You're just a has been washed up has been dope fiend!
Charlie and Kanye continue to argue. Then a jet ski races up to both their boats. It was Justin Bieber.
Justin: Hey, dudes! What's up dawgs! Heard about Tom Cruise's Scientology Fortress! Room for one more?
Charlie and Kanye both hit Justin Bieber over the head with bazookas. Justin Bieber flies off and lands in the deep Pacific Waters.
Justin (gurgling); Baby.......baby.......baby.........
Back at the Scientology Fortress, Mimi Rogers was making a speech.
Mimi: A lot of people like to think Scientologists are insane, demented, and dillusional. And want an outside voice to tell them what to do....
Will: You tell it like it is!
Jada Pickett: Preach it loud, sistah!
Mimi: They are wrong. Scientology is tranquil. Scientology is harmony. Scientology is pacification! Scientology is peace!
The sonar radar was blipping. Kelly Preston goes to check it.
Kelly: My gosh! John, honey! Come look!
John Travolta sees on the sonar radar that someone was coming.
Kelly: What could it mean?
John: I know what it means. Somebody's coming!
Tom Cruise begins to panic, wriggle, writh, and squirm. Dianetics the guard gorilla was looking at Tom Cruise with such concern in his eyes.
Will: Uh, Tom. Dianetics wants to know what you're doing!
Tom (fidgets and squeals): Check and see who's coming!
Kirsty: It appears to be.......Kanye West......and Charlie Sheen.
Tom and Mimi: Battle stations!
Mimi, Tom, Will, Jada Pickett, Kirsty, John, and Kelly grab as many weapons as they can. John Travolta goes inside the fighter jet. Charlie Sheen and Kanye West have both reached their destination. Charlie Sheen's army of rehab patients have their weapons ready, as do Kanye West's army of Gang Bangers with Taylor Swift in their clutches. The Celebrity Scientologists prepare for battle.
Tom: If all else fails, use the gun turret!
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Scene 8:
Captains Charlie Sheen and Kanye West have finally reached the Pacific Island. They parked their boats at the shoreline of the Hail L. Ron Scientology Fortress. They advise their armies of Rehab patients and Gang Bangers to shoot at whatever comes their way.
Kanye: By the power of Yeezus, I command all to kick some ass!
Charlie: What makes you think you're going to get praise for this, Kanye?
Kanye: Because I'm a black man, and I'm associated with the Kardashians!
Charlie: You blacks get credit for everything these days.
Kanye: Shut up, that's racist! Let's focus on taking these fucker Scientologists down! Use Taylor Swift as a sheild!
Charlie: Only thing we can agree on for now! Okay, armies, listen up! Kanye and me are going to shoot at that sign, and you all shoot at everything else, got it!
Gang Bangers: Hooray for Yeezus!
Rehab Patients: DUH WINNING!
Kanye and Charlie both notice the Hail L. Ron Sign out front of the Scientology Fortress. Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Jada Pickett Smith, Kirsty Alley, and their army of C People were outside the fortress. John Travolta was up in a fighter jet. Taylor Swift sat helplessly and watched the whole war.
Tom: Give it up you losers! You won't win with wretched pitiful armies like that! Why don't you both surrender and join us in the wonders of Scientology!
Mimi: Afraid they won't agree with that, Tom! All right, C People, Tom Cruise and everyone else! Let's waste these ego driven assholes! FIRE!!!!
Taylor: HELP!! CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Kanye: Shut up, bitch! (slaps Taylor)
Gunfire was exchanged! A battle ensues! The Rehab Patients and Gang Bangers were shooting up the C People. Some were even killed. Tom Cruise, Mimi Rogers, Will Smith, Jada Pickett, Kelly Preston were shooting up the Rehab Patients and Gang Bangers. John Travolta was up in the air with the fighter jet and shoots up The Kardashian's yacht! Kanye was pissed! Kirsty Alley was jumping up and down causing Earthquakes.
Kirsty: I don't need weapons, I got my fat! Who needs Weight Watchers!
Taylor (screams in terror): THIS IS PURE INSANITY! I'M WRITING A SONG ABOUT THIS!
John: HA HA! TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
Will (shooting his weapons): Check me out! I'm gettin' Jiggy with it!
Tom: Great job! Keep doing what you're doing! (shoots machine guns)
Kanye: You'll pay for that, Travolta! You honky Italian son of the bitch!
Charlie (at this army of Rehab Patients): Don't let them win! Think of all the drugs and prostitutes you'll get!
Kanye and Charlie both shoot at the Hail L. Ron Sign. Some Rehab Patients shot John Travolta down, and he crashes into the Gun Turret but is okay. The Gun Turret shoots at maximum capacity. Taylor Swift continues to scream her head off.
Charlie: Holy fucking shit! Rahabbers fire away!
Kanye (motivating his troops): Stop being lazy assholes, Gang Bangers! Shoot at the C People, and that Gun Turret!
Gang Banger: Yes sir, Yeezus!
Kanye: By the end of the day, I'm going to be the new religious prophet! And I'm running for President in 2020! I will build a wall that will keep honkies out of the USA! Like you, Taylor!
Taylor: HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!
Rehab Patients, Gang Bangers, and C People were shooting at each other and some were getting killed. Charlie and Kanye got some mortors and bazookas.
Charlie: Useless armies!
Kanye: They're all rehab patients, what do you expect!
Charlie: Now let's shoot at the Gun Turret!
Kanye: We're bringing in the big guns now, dawg!
Charlie and Kanye shoot at the Gun Turret and it exploded, then they shot at the Hail L. Ron sign and it crushed into smithereens. Charlie and Kanye run inside to rescue Kim Kardashian and Jon Cryer. But they kept falling over due to Kisty Alley's earthquake powers.
Kelly: They shot our Gun Turret! We're defenseless now!
Jada Pickett: We can't let them win! What do we do?
Kanye: Gang Bangers, Yeezus orders you...(falling over)...woah!..... all to keep shooting at those shithead..(falling over)....woah! C People! Try to get Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers, too!
Charlie: We're going in!.. (falls over)...woah! Must have my Tiger Blood power. (falls over)......woah! To overcome this!
Kirsty: Feel the wrath of my earthquakes, bitches! (jumps up and down)
In the dungeon where Kim and Jon were being held. They heard the commotion outside but had no faith they were going to be rescued. Charlie has a bag of freebase on him.
Jon: Why us! Why us! Why us! (sobs)
Kim: There you go again with the crying.....
Jon: Why couldn't this have happened to Branangelina instead? (sobs)
Kim: Agree with that, but why not BenJen?
Charlie and Kanye managed to find Jon and Kim tied up in a dungeon. Charlie used the freebase on the walls to make the Island Fortress explode.
Kim (sees Kanye): Kanye! You saved me!
Kanye: I'm here for you, baby! (opens the dungeon door)
Jon: Charlie! You're here, too!
Charlie: Of course, you're my ex co-star!
Kanye and Charlie untie Kim and Jon. Then they run out of the dungeon.
Kim: Why are we running?
Kanye: No time to explain, ho!
Jon: Do we follow then?
Charlie: Yes! There's a reason why we're running, though!
Jon: Why is that?
Charlie: I put freebase on the walls, as soon as we run out, I will light a match and blow this place up!
As soon as they were headed for the exit, Charlie lit a match on the walls where he put the freebase. Jon, Kim, Kanye, and Charlie all run out of Hail L. Ron Scientology Fortress in slow motion! Whatever was left of the Gang Bangers and the Rehab Patients were still fighting with C People and Tom Cruise and his goons. Jon, Kim, Charlie and Kanye make it out of the Fortress in time and thanks to Charlie Sheen's freebase, the whole Fortress exploded. Tom Cruise screamed in anguish. Taylor Swift threw up.
Tom: NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!! MY FORTRESS!!! MY BEAUTIFUL SCIENTOLOGY FORTRESS!
John: I think we need to retreat!
Kelly: Good idea!
Mimi: Don't worry, Tom! We'll go back to the Church of Scientology in LA.
Will: Even though we're defeated for now, we'll come back stronger!
Tom (sighs despondantly): Okay.
Kirsty: Let's get out of here before we're swiss cheese. mmmmmm! Swiss cheese!
So, John Tom, Kelly, Jada Pickett, Will, Mimi, and Kirsty all went into a hot air balloon to retreat. The Hail L. Ron Scientology Fortress was no more. It was in ruins. Charlie and Kanye tell their troops to cease fire.
Jon: Great job, Charlie! You saved our asses back there.
Kim: Oh, Kanye! I thought I'd never see you again! Thanks for saving me.
Kanye: It was my pleasure babe! I did marry you for publicity after all!
Kim: That's the way I like it!
Kanye: Let's go home and do another season of your show!
Charlie: I blew up that fortress thanks to good all fashioned freebase! Who says drugs are bad for you and destroy lives!
Kim cried in Kanye's arms as she was being taken home and saw their yacht was destroyed.
Charlie: We'll take my boat. You're rich Kim, you can always get a new family yacht.
Taylor (still tied up and jumps to catch up): What about me! I was abducted by that lunatic! Wait up! Wait up! Don't I count, too?
Dianetics the Gorilla Guard comes up from behind Taylor Swift and grabs her as she yells. Kim, Jon, Charlie, Kanye, and what was left of the rehab patients and gang bangers all boarded Charlie's boat to go back to LA. Taylor Swift eventually caught up, and the Kardashians took her home. The next day, Tom Cruise, Mimi Roges, Will Smith, Jada Pickett Smith, Dianetics the Gorilla Guard, Kelly Preston, John Travolta, and Kirsty were all back in the Church of Scientology in disgrace. A ticker take parade took place honoring the heroics of Kanye West and Charlie Sheen. Kris, Kaitlyn, Khloe, Kourtney, Kylie, and Kendra were in the audience cheering for Kanye. And they bought a new family yacht. Kanye West and Charlie Sheen were in a motorcade waving to everybody. The LAPD came and the parade stopped.
Policeman: Charlie Sheen, come with us, please?
Charlie (stepping out of the motorcade): What can I do for you officers?
Three LAPD policemen apprehended Charlie Sheen.
Charlie: Why are you doing this to me? I'm the hero!
Policeman: You're under arrest for public intoxication, robbery of a gun store, and stealing a boat!
Charlie: NO!!!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M TIGER BLOOD! I HAVE ADONIS DNA! HHEEELLLPPP!!!
Policeman: Back to jail and rehab for you, asshole! (hits Charlie Sheen with a nightstick)
The parade went back on. Kanye West got his wish and he took all the credit for saving Kim Kardashian, taking down The Scientology Fortress Hail L. Ron, and he went down in history for being a hero. Kanye West was basking in the glow of his over inflated ego. Kanye even gave a concert after the parade was over. Even the newspapers were talking about him taking down Tom Cruise's evil scheme. Kayne West was on the cover of every magazine and the newspaper's front page. The front page of the LA Times read:
THE LA TIMES WOULD LIKE TO THANK AND COMMEMORATE KAYNE WEST! FOR HIS HEROICS, BRAVERY, DIGNITY, AND HONOR. FOR RUBBING OUT TOM CRUISE'S EVIL SCIENTOLOGY PLOT AND A JOB WELL DONE!
THREE MONTHS LATER:
At the Pacific Island where the Scientology Fortress once stood, Donald Trump was there making a speech with a huge audience.
Donald: In order to make America Great Again, I am going to get rid of these stupid fairy tale style religions!
The audience cheered at Trump's speech.
Donald: This will be the place where I will make the border! When I become your new President!
Trump now owned the Pacific Island. Trump was free to do whatever he wants with it!
THE END
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