Categories > Original > Drama
Many people suffer from depression or anxiety. Dan Howell suffered from both. Since the age of ten, he had suffered from severe depression and since the age of fourteen he had suffered from anxiety. At sixteen, his parents pulled him out of school when it all became too much for him, and now, at eighteen it still hadn't improved. If anything, in fact, it had worsened. However, since some time just after his eighteenth birthday, he had been trying to persuade his parents to let him go to university in the coming September. He told them that it would give him a chance to meet people and perhaps gain more confidence, and he completely forgot that the whole reason that he was supposed to go there was to study, something that caused him to actually get pulled out of school. It took a lot of debating, but eventually his parents begrudgingly agreed.
Dan’s parents went with him to Manchester station to wait for his train with him. His mum pulled him into a tight hug and whispered
“If you ever need antything, even if just to talk, remember we're available at any time.” Dan nodded – the action restricted slightly by the fact that his mum was hugging him tightly – instead of saying anything in fear of his parents hearing that he was on the verge of tears. Dan pulled away and went in to hug his dad who said
“Remember, we’re spending a fair amount of money on this, so remember to work hard enough that it's worth your while.” Dan’s mum shot his dad a look that told him to be more sensitive. At times, it was almost as if his dad forgot about his depression and he actually seemed taken aback slightly whenever Dan had one of his – relatively frequent – panic attacks.
Dan's train pulled into the station and he hugged each of his parents again and then boarded the train, scannning his ticket as he did so. When he sat down, he let his tears fall. It wasn't that he was worried about being away from home – he'd done that numerous times in previous years – it was just nerves. And anxiety. A couple of minutes later, a girl who only looked a few years older than Dan came up to him and tapped him nervously on the shoulder.
“Um, excuse me,” she said, seemingly nervously, “um, are you alright? It's just that you've been crying for the last ten minutes or so.” Somehow, Dan had forgotten that he had been crying and hastily wiped his eyes.
“No, yeah, I'm fine. It's just nerves. I'm starting uni today and I'm just nervous.” Dan replied, trying to make that the girl’s cue to leave, which she obviously didn't understand.
“Oh it's fine, don't worry. I'm in uni too – my second year in fact – I was really nervous when I started but I'm fine now. Which uni are you going to?” The girl asked hurriedly.
“Manchester,” Dan sighed’ “I'm going to study law.” At this statement, the girl’s eyes seemed to light up slightly for some unknown reason.
“Oh that's where I go! I study English language and literature. Wait, where are my manners? I forgot to introduce myself, my name’s Alison.” She held her hand out to shake it and Dan reluctantly shook it.
“You have a very firm grip,” Alison stated, “you're hot, cute, intelligent and have a nice, firm grip. You're just my type.. Hey, can I get your number?” Alison asked, very rushed. Dan had noticed that she talked very fast – almost incoherently.
“About that though,” Dan replied, speaking far less rushed than Alison had as if to get a point across to her, “as nice as you are, I don't feel like talking to anyone at the moment, and not like that either, no offence. So I might see you around or not but I'm sorry, that's the way it is.” On hearing this, Alison walked back to her seat feeling rather embarrassed and Dan decided to catch up on some sleep.
When Dan woke up, the train was just pulling into the station. He quickly gathered his stuff up and then ran off the train as soon as the doors opened. It wasn't as if he was in a rush to go anywhere but, for some unknown reason, he wanted to get out of that place. Of course, he wasn't looking where he was going, so of course he managed to run into someone who was, of course, carrying a cup of coffee.
“Ow, fuck!” Dan shouted after he'd been covered in the hot liquid. He looked up to see whose breakfast he'd managed to spill all over himself and saw a man who looked a bit older than him with jet-black hair and beautiful blue eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” Dan said, him being the one to speak hastily now, “I ruined your coffee, do you want me to get you a new one?” The man just shook his head and laughed slightly,
“Don't worry, I wouldn't have had enough time to drink it anyway and it was very cheap.” For some reason, Dan felt oddly disappointed. He'd wanted to buy this random stranger a coffee and then possibly get to talk to him a little more. When he ran that through his head, he realised how weird that actually sounded; this man was a complete stranger, he may have been quite an attractive stranger, but he was a stranger nonetheless. Probably a straight stranger too, he added in his mind. Dan kept on walking, looking where he was going this time so as not to run into anyone else – literally.
When Dan finally made it to the university, he had bumped into a further two people in his haste and had dropped his phone a running total of three times, so it wasn't exactly going well for him so far. He checked in and got his flat and room number, and found out that he'd be sharing a flat with three other people. He was nervous yet excited to share a flat. Nervous because they might all hate him and he really cared about what people thought about him, but also excited because they might also be people he could potentially make friends with. When he got to the flat, there were already two people there, two girls who already seemed to be in a deep conversation. Upon seeing him enter, of the girls, one who had brown hair and glasses, said in a very cheerful voice:
“Hi! My name is Sara, this is Rubing.” She gestured to the other girl who smiled shyly, “Rubing was telling me all about her hometown in China just as you walked in, it's so fascinating.” Sara carried on.
“Well it's nice to meet you both. Uh, I'm Dan. Is anyone else going to be sharing this room?” Dan replied.
“Well,” Sara continued, “we will be sharing this part of the room with these two beds and you will be sharing the other part of the room over there with a boy called Phil, he's also in his fourth year, like me.” Dan didn't know what it was, but for some reason, all the young people he had encountered recently seemed to have a tendency to speak really fast, as if people would stop listening if they took too long on a sentence.
Once Dan had unpacked his bag, the door to their room opened and in came the man he'd managed to run into before; the one from the station whose coffee he had spilled, the one Dan recalled as having very pretty blue eyes. The boy walked over to Dan.
“Hi, are you new here?” He asked Dan. Dan didn't turn his head in fear of this boy finding out that Dan was the person who spilt his coffee, so Dan just nodded.
“Ah, okay. I'm Phil Lester.” Phil held out his hand for Dan to shake it. What's with all the hand shaking? Dan thought. Oh well, he might as well shake this guy’s hand. He might as well turn and face him too because, if he was going to share a room with this man, he would have to eventually face him.
“I'm Dan. Dan Howell, not that that's important.” Dan shook Phil's hand and Phil's face seemed to light up when Dan locked eyes with him. Has he recognised me? Dan worried, he knew Phil said it didn't matter at the time, but he still would rather Phil didn't remember him as ‘the boy who spilt my coffee by running too fast’
“Have I seen you somewhere before?” Phil asked, his face going from smiling in recognition to mildly confused. Oh shit, Dan thought.
“Um, yes, I think you might've. I, uh, spilt your coffee earlier. On me.” Dan went slightly red at this statement and couldn't bring himself to look anywhere besides the floor. Phil laughed slightly,
“I thought you looked familiar. Hey, do you want to go get a coffee?” Phil asked. Dan just about managed to make eye contact with him and he smiled slightly. It may only have been a small smile, but it was a genuine smile nonetheless.
“Yeah, that'd be nice, give us a chance to get to know each other better...” Dan trailed off, worried he'd said the wrong thing. Dan had to admit, even though he'd only just met him, he actually felt nervous and self-conscious around Phil. He seemed to worry whether what he did or said was right. Come on, pull yourself together, you've only just met him, Dan though to himself, he could even be an axe murderer, you never know.
So Dan went with Phil to the closest café to get a coffee and, on the way there, discovered four things about him:
1: he was 22
2: he was studying English language
3: he was hoping to get a masters’ degree
4: he was in his fourth year there
Phil, on the other hand, only found out about Dan's depression and the fact that he was eighteen. It wasn't as if Phil was one of those people to only talk about himself, it was just that Dan didn't want to talk much about himself and kept asking more about Phil, and when Phil asked about Dan, he seemed reluctant to actually tell Phil anything. Phil could somehow sense this and so didn't press on.
They both ordered coffees and sat and talked more and Dan found himself growing very fond of Phil, despite the fact that they had just met. It was all going smoothly until a waitress came up to them to take their empty coffee cups away and said
“What a cute couple you guys are! How long have you been together?” Dan said nothing, he just looked down and went red, hoping to god that Phil didn't notice his redness, and he on the other hand was very quick to correct her.
“Oh, we’re not together,” he said’ “we’re just friends from university. We've actually only just met.” Upon hearing this, the waitress looked seemigly embarrassed, and Phil noticed this and picked up upon it,
“It's okay though, it doesn't matter.” The waitress pulled a slight sigh of relief, and proceeded to take away their coffee cups.
When they got back to uni a bit later, they arrived in their room and saw three more girls in there, along with Sara and Rubing.
“Um, can I ask what's going on here?” Phil said to the girls, two of whom seemed to blatantly ignore him, even after having reigistered that they'd heard him and the third one who looked like she might genuinely not have heard him, and Rubing just looked at him shyly. Sara, however, was polite and quick to answer.
“Well, this is May,” she said, gesturing to a girl with bright blue hair that came about shoulder length, “this is Sofia,” she gestured to a brunette girl who Dan thought looked like the female equivalent of him, “and this is Christina,” she pointed to the third girl, a girl with jet-black hair, bright green eyes and a septum piercing.
“Call me Chrissy,” she said and smiled seductively at Dan. Dan just smiled back, trying to convey to her that he wasn't interested in girls ‘like that’. He was used to it though, all the girls thought he was attractive, which he was, but he didn't particularly consider himself attractive, especially when he stood next to Phil.
“It's nice to meet you,” Phil said, “I'm Phil and this is Dan,” he gestured to Dan who kind of just stood there not knowing whether he should say anything.
Later, Dan and Phil were in their section of the room and they were discussing things that they had found out they had in common. They were currently discussing anime, something that they both loved, and Dan could feel himself getting more and more fond of Phil as time went by. He kept looking into Phil's eyes and finding himself unable to draw his gaze away because they were – as cliché as he knew that sounded – the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen. He seemed to be so fixated on Phil's eyes that he didn't noticed that Phil had asked him a question.
“Dan? Can you hear me?” Phil looked at him, slightly confused.
“No, sorry, what did you say? I didn't hear you.” Dan said. This must be the point where he thinks I'm a freak. Dan thought, except he didn't realise that Phil actually thought it was kind of cute, Dan getting all flustered and lost like this. Phil repeated his question.
“I said ‘do you want to watch an anime now?’” Dan looked up and locked eyes with Phil again and smiled,
“Yeah, I'd like that.” For some reason, he liked it when Phil asked him if he wanted to do something with him, despite the fact that they had only known each other for a day. Dan liked Phil, there was no other way of putting it, he just felt that he was moving too fast with him, that he should get to know Phil more because, quite frankly, Phil was practically still a stranger to him.
Some hours later, after they'd watched as much anime as their brains could put up with, Phil announced that he was going to bed, leaving Dan alone with his thoughts, which wasn't particularly good. You like him, Dan’s thoughts told him, you like him and you know it. Dan found himself mentally arguing with his brain to the point that he found himself shouting “shut the fuck up!” out loud, earning some strange looks from Sara and Rubing.
“Are you alright?” Rubing asked. First time she’s spoken, Dan thought, then registered that she'd asked him a question.
“Oh, um, I’m fine thank you.” Dan said awkwardly, mentally facepalming himself. Rubing seemed to look at him in a way that seemed almost as if she was pitying him for being so awkward, as if she felt sorry for him because he came across as a social wreck.
The next few weeks went by in a blur, and before Dan knew it, he was starting his first class, and he was nervous. No, he wasn't nervous, that was very much of an understatement; he was terrified. He was nervous to the point where he felt as if he might throw up or pass out at any moment, and he had to keep telling himself that it would be fine, to stop worrying, that it's only the first lesson so it shouldn't be too difficult, that no-one else would know what to do either, that it would be just like school again. This last bit however, instead of giving him confidence, scared him shitless. School was exactly the thing – one of the things at least – that had made him sink into depression: all the school work, tests, homework, they'd all stressed him out too much, to the point where he couldn't go on with any of it. In all fairness though, the people in the school had been another strong thing that made him break down like he did, and he trusted that people in university would be perhaps more mature, at least to the extent that they wouldn't be assholes to him. If they had any ounce of decency within themselves, they would, if anything, at least try to be nice to him, even if just to help prevent him from having a panic attack. After telling himself this, he felt surprisingly better and was able to go off to his first lecture with his head held high.
As predicted, his first lecture was more of an introduction. First an introduction to the lecturer who, even from only one experience with him, Dan could tell he was going to like, and then a general introduction to the subject of law, which, despite choosing with a high amount of enthusiasm, Dan knew very little to nothing about, and finally, something that would help Dan in the long run, tips on how to stop yourself procrastinating your homework, something Dan was the master of. On his way back to his flat, he noticed it was starting to go dark, even though it was only – Dan checked his phone – 18:37. That's England for you, he thought. He was right too, English winters are dark at the stupidest times. Once back at the flat, he noticed that the door to the balcony was open, and Phil was standing outside on the balcony. Dan walked out and joined him.
“Aren't the stars pretty?” Phil said, not removing his gaze from the sky.
“Yeah,” Dan agreed, except his brain was saying not as pretty as you but he ignored it. Dan did the typical girl-with-her-crush thing, wherein he started faking being cold so that maybe, just maybe, he could cuddle up with Phil.
“Wow, it’s cold out though,” Dan feigned shivering, even though he was actually quite warm.
“Want my coat?” Phil offered. Of course he would.
“No thanks, you keep it,” Dan replied. Phil then subconsciously put his arm around Dan, causing Dan to have an internal freak-out with joy, and then he leaned into Phil. Maybe they had only known each other for a couple of weeks or so, but Dan really liked Phil, he really, really liked him. He could probably make a list of 100 reasons why he liked Phil and still have more, but he'd probably save that for another time, he thought, and just enjoy this moment while it lasted.
“I’ll miss this,” Phil said suddenly, keeping his gaze on the stars. Dan just looked at him.
“Miss what?” Dan asked, hoping he meant that he'd miss the cuddling rather than the stargazing. Phil turned to look at him.
“This,” he said, “being out here with you, watching the stars. I'm gonna miss it a lot, even though we haven't known each other that long.” Instantly, Dan thought Phil meant when he left, which was half right, but at the end of the year because it was his last.
“Well, it's the beginning of the year, you have ages yet.” Dan said carelessly. With that, Phil's face dropped, and, upon seeing Phil's drop, so did Dan's.
“What's wrong?” Dan asked.
“Didn't I tell you, Dan?” Dan shook his head. “I’m leaving. Phil said. Dan didn't think this world could come crashing down in just two words. Phil Lester, the person whom he had grown to be very close to in such a short amount of time, was leaving. And there was nothing Dan could do about it.
“You're… what?” Dan said, his voice small and sounding like he was holding back tears. Well, he was.
“I'm so sorry Dan. My parents don't like this university, they never did, and they've been trying for ages to transfer me to another one. I was okay with that, but then I met you and I was trying to persuade them to let me stay but it didn't work.” Phil seemed to be on the verge of tears at this point, and Dan actually had tears running down his face silently.
“Why did my existence make any difference though?” Dan sniffed. Phil sighed.
“Because Dan… because, I think… I think I love you…” Phil trailed off and stared guiltily at the ground.
“What?” Dan said stupidly. I must've heard him wrongly, there's no way he could love me, Dan told himself.
“I love you, Dan, I love you. And I'm sorry.” Phil was unaware of the tears currently running down face at this point. Dan didn't say anything. Instead he turned so he and Phil were facing and pressed his lips to Phil's, kissing him softly. Phil didn't respond at first, but once he did, he was kissing back with a slow, rhythmic movement in time with Dan's, before suddenly pulling away. Dan just looked at him, confused and slightly hurt.
“Dan, this isn't helping me to get over you, please don't make this any harder than this has to be.”
“Phil, you didn't wait for my response. I love you too. Why else would I have kissed you?” Dan said, smiling slightly, despite the news he had just previously got. Phil smiled back at him and pulled him in for another kiss, a more passionate one this time, and then backed them both up into the flat so they were on Dan’s bed, Dan lying on it and Phil on top of him, and they were kissing passionately, hot, open-mouthed kisses, without even breaking away for air. Soon, they were a mass of bodies and sweat, and they went at it with a passion neither of them had ever experienced, except it was Dan's first time, and Phil had only done it once before, but it was filled with some kind of passion you wouldn't be able to place with most relationships. Afterwards, they were just lying together, Dan having forgotten about Phil's crushing news from previously, when Phil said
“You know Dan, I think I've liked you from the first day we met,” and kissed him on the top of the head. Both of the boys had forgotten that a: they were lying together in Dan’s bed without any clothes on, and that b: they lived in a shared flat with two girls who could just walk in at any moment to see them lying like that, but neither of them cared enough to think about it. This was something that came easily, Dan thought. He'd liked Phil for a while and, even though he'd had a girlfriend before, (who, needless to say, turned out to be a total bitch) he'd never found a relationship this easy before. Breaking the silence, Dan said:
“Are we boyfriends now?” To which Phil kissed him again.
“Do you want to be?” He replied.
“Of course I do,” Dan said, “ I really want that.” And Phil smiled at him with that, pressing a third kiss to his forehead.
“This is the most fun I've ever had.” Dan said.
“Me too,” Phil smiled, “me too.”
The next morning, Phil woke up and instantly smiled when he remembered what had happened. He smiled even more when he remembered that he was now Dan's boyfriend. Dan was his boyfriend and no-one else's. When he thought about this, he kissed Dan on his neck, something that made him fidget slightly in his sleep as if it seemed to irritate him. Phil smiled again and decided to get up to make a coffee.
When his coffee was brewing, he was suddenly aware of the lack of people in the house. He and Dan seemed to be alone in their four-person flat, meaning Sara and Rubing had seemingly disappeared last night. Phil shrugged, however, and carried on with his coffee. There were more important matters here, as selfish as that sounded, and they'd probably be back soon. Once his coffee was ready, he took it back to the bedroom where Dan was just waking up, and sat down on the bed.
“Hey,” Dan said, still sounding half asleep.
“Good morning,” Phil responded, “I made coffee, want some?”
“Yes please,” Dan replied, and Phil got up to pour him some. When Phil was getting the coffee, Dan reminisced everything that had happened the previous night, and a smile crept over his face. Then he remembered Phil's crushing news and suddenly his mood completely changed. When Phil came back with Dan’s coffee, Dan thanked him and then said
“When are you leaving?” Phil looked at him sadly, swallowed his current mouthful of coffee, and said
“Two months.” Dan wasn't sure whether he was thankful for this or not. On the one hand, it could've been weeks until Phil was leaving, however on the other hand, two months go by very quickly. Dan just sighed and looked at Phil who just gave a look that said “I'm sorry”.
They sat in near silence whilst they drank their coffee, until Dan said
“Which university are you going to?”
“UCL,” Phil replied, “my parents say it's really good and they've been trying to get me in there for ages.”
“Where is it? And what does UCL stand for anyway?” Dan knew but he wished he didn't know. He and Phil had only just confessed their feelings for each other, yet they were already being torn apart.
“It's in London,” Phil replied, “and it stands for University College London.” Of course, Dan thought that sounded quite pretentious, but who was he to complain. He could already feel tears gathering in his eyes and blinked hard to try to stop them from falling, but to no avail. It, in fact, did quite the opposite, and tears were suddenly pouring down his cheeks.
“Oh, Dan.” Phil said sympathetically, before putting his coffee down and pulling Dan a warm hug, a hug like no other he'd had before.
“I'm so sorry, Dan,” Phil whispered, “I wish there was something I could do to stop it, but once my parents have made up their minds – my dad especially – there's no changing them. I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry Dan. I love you so much.” Dan said nothing, he just buried his face further into Phil's chest, inhaling his scent as a source of comfort, the tears still pouring down his face like a waterfall. Dan sniffed and said
“I love you Phil.”
“I love you too, Dan.”
Two months passed by quickly, and before they knew it, it was Phil's last day. Dan and Phil were sitting on Phil's bed and Dan was in tears.
“I’ll only be in London, Dan, you can visit me anytime, or I can visit you.” Phil said, rubbing Dan's shoulders trying to comfort him.
“But it's not the same. I love living with you Phil. I love waking up in the morning and seeing you next to me. I love being able to come back from a shitty lecture and have you here to comfort me. It won't be the same. You were the main reason my depression was seemingly going away.” Dan cried. He was almost full-on sobbing at this point now. Phil sighed and started stroking Dan's hair gently, trying to soothe him, and wrapped his arms around Dan's shoulders, squeezing slightly. Dan sniffed and leaned into Phil's touch, more tears rolling down his face. Phil took his phone out and displayed the time. 21:24. They'd been sitting there for about an hour at this point and still hadn't had dinner or anything. At this point though, neither of them could care less, both of them wanted to spend all the time Phil had left at the university together. Dan was still crying silently at this point and Phil was beginning to cry a bit now. It wasn't the fact that he was leaving, it was the fact that he was
leaving Dan. He was leaving Dan. Tears threatened behind his eyelids, but he tried to hold them back. He needed to compose himself for Dan’s sake.
“We should probably go to bed,” Dan sniffed, wiping his eyes, “you have to be up early tomorrow.”
“Do you want to sleep in with me tonight?” Phil asked Dan, wiping some of the tears off his blotchy face. Dan nodded, both of them ignoring the fact that it was a single bed and there would be no way in hell that they'd both be able to fit comfortably in it. Phil kissed Dan's forehead and got up to go to the bathroom. Dan lay down on Phil's bed, tears still running down his cheeks, put his hands over his eyes and let out a loud sigh. This was happening. This was actually happening. Dan sighed again and pulled his knees up to his chest and rolled onto his side, lying in a foetal position, and closed his eyes. A few minutes later, he heard the bathroom door open, heard Phil walk over to where he was lying, and then felt the bed dip next to him. Phil put a hand on his arm and rubbed gently.
“It'll be okay Dan. I promise I'll come and visit you as much as I can. And in the holidays you could stay with me…” Phil trailed off when he noticed it was no use trying to console him. There obviously was no cheering Dan up; he seemed to be broken beyond repair. Phil just lay down next to Dan and rolled him over so that Dan’s head was lying on Phil's chest, and Phil ran his hand through his hair, which was, at this point, losing its straightness and was going back to its natural curls which Phil loved but Dan hated, and they fell asleep like that.
Phil woke up at around 06:30 the next morning, and even though he didn't want to disturb Dan, he knew Dan wouldn't forgive him if he left without a goodbye, so he shook him gently awake.
“Dan,” he said quietly, “I'm leaving now.” And as soon as Dan heard these words, he sat up suddenly and threw his arms around Phil and hugged him tightly, not wanting to ever let go. Phil hugged him back and tried to hold back tears.
“I love you Phil, please visit me often.” Dan said, in tears again, and hugged Phil even more tightly, if that was possible at this point.
“I love you too, and I promise I'll try to visit you as much as I can.” Phil was in tears too now.
Phil's departure was hard, to say the least. When his parents arrived to collect him, Dan threw his arms around Phil and began sobbing into his jacket and Phil hugged Dan tightly as if they'd never see each other again. Well, that's certainly how they felt. Once Phil had left, Dan walked back into the flat and lay face-down on Phil's bed, inhaling his scent, and sobbed again. The one person he had become close to and who had made this less of a living hell had just left to go to practically the other end of the country. Dan thought about how they'd probably lose contact, how he'd probably never see Phil again, how Phil would probably settle down very easily in his new place, how he'd probably find someone else and probably forget all about Dan. With these thoughts, and some other ones, in mind, he sobbed harder, gripping Phil's pillow to give himself some comfort, imagining it was Phil himself. At no point did it occur to Dan that he would probably see Phil sometime soon.
About three hours later, Dan woke up, having realised he'd fallen asleep, to feel someone sitting next to him on the bed.
“Are you alright?” A small voice asked. Dam turned his head to see Rubing sitting next to him. Dan just shook his head. He wasn't alright, far from it.
“I’m so sorry we didn't tell you, we thought he'd have told you,” she continued. Great, so both my other roommates found out beforehand but I only found out by accident? I probably wouldn't even have found out if we hadn't been on the balcony that day, Dan thought, but stopped himself. He couldn't be angry with Phil.
“It's okay,” Dan mumbled, “it wasn't up to you, but thanks anyway.”
“Are you going to be okay? Do you want breakfast or something?” Rubing asked. Dan wondered why she'd suddenly started being so nice to him. Granted, it wasn't as if he'd been an asshole towards her or anything, but he didn't speak to her that much, and she barely ever said anything. The first time she did speak, Dan recalled being quite taken aback by hearing her voice for the first time. He also recalled being quite awkward towards her too, but then, what was new with that. That was when Dan had suddenly realised she'd asked him to go have breakfast with them, and, as much as his mind was saying no, his stomach was begging yes because he hadn't eaten for two days, so he mumbled a faint “okay…” and got up to go with her.
Dan made himself a coffee and helped himself to some cereal before sitting down at the table, only to be greeted by an unusually somber-looking Sara. She and Rubing exchanged pitying glances at each other, and that was when Dan realised they were pitying him.
“Are you okay?” Sara asked, and even though they were being genuinely nice to him, he just wanted to scream. Mainly because Phil had left, but also partly because he hated it when people pitied him. ‘Hey, look at him the depressed kid who got worked up all because someone transferred to another university even though they can still see each other.’ That's what they're thinking, freak. They're all judging you for missing someone. You're an idiot, that’s what they think. Dan’s thoughts weren't much help to him, his anxiety had the power to convince him that even the closest people to him hated him, which is what it was trying to do now. However, he managed to repress these thoughts deep down so they didn't affect him too much.
“Yeah, I'm okay,” Dan said, “pretty fucking depressed, but apart from that, I'm fine.” There was a hint of sarcasm in Dan's words, which wasn't a rare occurrence, only this time he managed to come across as slightly rude.
“Sorry,” he said, “I just really miss him, okay?” And with this, tears started rolling down his face again and he buried his face in his hands, letting out dry sobs. Rubing and Sara just exchanged awkward glances at each other, when Sara leaned over and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.
“It's okay, I'm sure you'll be able to see him again soon.” She tried to soothe the crying Dan, but to no avail.
“It's not that though!” Dan sniffed “it’s just the fact that he was making me happier just by being around. Just his existence made me happier. I don't know why, I just… I loved him, okay? He told me he loved me too and I couldn't believe it at first but he actually did and… he only told me this when he accidentally told me that he was leaving…” Dan stopped short, suddenly realising he was rambling a bit. “Sorry, I'm ranting, aren't I?”
“It's okay, no worries. Just as long as it makes you feel better.” Sara said. Well, Dan thought, Phil may have gone but I still have good friends.
The next few days weren't any better. If anything in fact, they seemed to be worse. Dan seemed to get a lot of sympathy from the few friends he had, people who were also good friends of Phil's. At the back of Dan's mind, there was a thought that was telling him that he was being melodramatic, that it wasn't as if Phil was dead or anything, that the others were right when they said that he could easily go and visit Phil whenever he wanted. But that was the rational part of his brain that he didn't want to speak to. He decided to go with the part of his brain that decided to make him act as though Phil was dead. This continued for a long time too, Dan would just sulk in a bubble of misery, kind of like when he was at school and was struggling with the worst of his depression. Slowly, he felt himself sink back into the worst of his depression, until he didn't remember what it felt like to be happy, like he was with Phil.
TWO YEARS LATER
“Hey Dan!” Came the voice of Dan's cheery new roommate, Hayley, “they said there's gonna be a new person joining us today. They said it's a guy, but they didn't say what his name was.” She said it with a lot of enthusiasm, but Dan showed none.
“That's… great,” he mumbled. Nothing seemed to please him anymore. It wasn’t really Phil's absence that made Dan the way he was. Well, that was what triggered it, but truthfully, he had got over Phil now. Or at least, that's what he told himself. In all fairness, he still missed Phil, he missed him a lot, and they hadn't even contacted each other since Phil left. You'd think you'd stop missing someone after they leave and don't contact you for two years, wouldn't you? Well you'd be wrong. You'd be wrong in Dan's case at least. Dan still missed Phil as if a day hadn't passed since that fateful day when Phil left.
A couple of hours later, Hayley was in the kitchen when a car pulled up outside the window.
“Oh, that'll be the new guy probably!” She called out to Dan, who was, as per usual, lying on the sofa on his laptop in his ‘browsing position’.
“Good, why don't you welcome him in then?” Dan said in reply. He wasn't the most enthusiastic of people at the best of times, and he didn't like socialising, so the thought of another human coming to live in the same flat as him made him groan audibly. He didn't even like Hayley that much. Well, that was an unfair statement, he liked her enough, she was just completely the opposite of him. She was outgoing and confident, seemingly always happy and she liked people. She literally seemed happy when she found out she would get to meet people, something Dan could never get his head around.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door and Hayley said
“That must be him! I'll go and let him in.” You do that, Dan thought. Hayley opened the door and in came a man looking just a bit older than Dan and… a lot like Phil… No, he looks nothing like him, shut up. Dan thought. He did seem to resemble Phil slightly, he had the same build and black hair. If only Dan could see his face. He would soon though probably, it was just a matter of waiting.
“Have you got that?” Hayley asked. That was another thing about her, she was overly-helpful, as in she would be determined to help people even when they didn't need it.
“Yeah, I've got it. There we go. Thanks by the way.” The man said. He even sounds like Phil! Dan thought. Seconds later, the man turned around and he and Dan locked eyes, and Dan thought he might have had a mini heart attack.
“Phil… is that… actually you?” Dan said. The person just looked at him with a sense of longing and fondness.
“Yes Dan, it’s really me.” Phil just stood there and seemed like he didn't know how to react. Dan just ran over to him and wrapped his arms around Phil, engulfing him in the tightest hug ever.
“Oh Phil, I thought I'd never see you again, I've missed you so much.” Dan whispered to Phil. Phil just held on to Dan more tightly than before, if that was possible, and stroked his hair softly, the way he used to do before they split up.
“I can't believe you're actually here, oh my god I have missed you so much.” Dan was almost crying at this point. When they finally pulled away, Phil went to put his bags in the room and Dan followed him.
“So what made you come back here? I thought your parents didn't like this place…” Dan said to Phil, feeling slightly confused but not really caring about much besides the fact that Phil was back with him.
“Well,” Phil began, “I wasn’t doing very well in the other university. I failed the year and had to repeat.”
“I thought that was only something that happened in schools. Repeating the year, I mean,” Dan said, watching Phil as he placed his bags down on the bed.
“That's what I thought too,” Phil began, “I was doing quite well there for the first few months or so, and then, as time went by, I started to gradually go downhill and I actually seemed to fail the year. I didn't actually though you could fail the year in uni.” Phil sighed and carried on, “and then my parents suddenly decided that I'd be better off here, because at least I was doing well here.” Phil started to unpack his bags, placing neatly folded items of clothing on his bed. Dan just kind of stood there, too overwhelmed to know what to do. Dan had noticed that Phil looked different from the last time they saw each other. Granted, it was two years ago, but Dan didn't expect Phil to have changed at all. For a start, Phil's haircut was the same, but instead of it being the wild, long hair that Dan had once known, it was now shorter and neater and fell to just below his chin. Phil also wore glasses now, although he knew Phil had needed glasses last time they saw each other, but Phil wasn't too blind then. He'd either have worn contact lenses, or, before he put them on in the morning or after he took them off, he'd just be marginally blind. Phil had noticed Dan seemed to have changed too. His hair, unlike Phil's, was longer. Instead of it reaching his neck like it used to, it now almost reached his shoulders, to the point where it was only just missing them.
Phil had unpacked all of his stuff and was sitting in the living room with Dan, the two of them talking about what had happened since Phil had left two years ago. Phil had noticed Dan's personality had changed too. Instead of the boy he seemed to have been before, who talked to Phil with some sort of haste in his voice that suggested he was nervous about whether what he said was right or not, he now seemed like an adult, well, strictly, he was an adult, considering the fact that he was twenty years old now, but, before, he had seemed much younger than he was, a child at heart, so it seemed strange to Phil, talking to Dan like he was any other adult.
Some hours later, Dan was standing outside on the balcony, reminiscing about the time when the two boys confessed their love for one another, when Phil walked outside.
“Remember that night?” Phil said, “y’know, the one where we were standing outside on the balcony like this?” Dan looked at him, and he got a feeling of longing that he hadn't felt since Phil had left, and said
“Yes, that was the best night of my life, despite the fact that you told me you were leaving.” Dan blushed and looked down. He knew how cliché all of this was but at this point, he honestly couldn't care less. Phil's eyes met his and they both smiled. Phil walked over to Dan and kissed him squarely on the lips. Dan kissed him back passionately, and then it occurred to him that, as long as Phil was around, his depression would be something forgotten about because, quite frankly, whenever he was with Phil, nothing else bothered him. Phil deepened the kiss before suddenly pulling away and pulling Dan in for a hug.
“I've missed this,” he whispered.
“Me too,” Dan whispered back, smiling to himself, “so much.” Dan buried his face into Phil's shoulder and breathed in his scent. It was true, he had missed this, and he hadn't actually realised how much he had missed it until it was actually happening. It was then that Dan realised that he probably would have a full-on breakdown if Phil left him again, so he whispered
“Don't leave me again, please. I don't think I'd be able to handle it.” On hearing that, Phil hugged him tighter, then pulled away and looked him in the eyes.
“Listen to me,” Phil said solemnly, “I promise that I will never leave you ever again. I love you so much Dan.”
“I love you too, Phil.” Dan said. He didn't need Phil to swear that he would never leave him because he trusted Phil with his life.
And let's just say that Phil kept his promise.
A/N: I apologise if it's shit, it's the first thing I've ever written, fanfic-wise.
Dan’s parents went with him to Manchester station to wait for his train with him. His mum pulled him into a tight hug and whispered
“If you ever need antything, even if just to talk, remember we're available at any time.” Dan nodded – the action restricted slightly by the fact that his mum was hugging him tightly – instead of saying anything in fear of his parents hearing that he was on the verge of tears. Dan pulled away and went in to hug his dad who said
“Remember, we’re spending a fair amount of money on this, so remember to work hard enough that it's worth your while.” Dan’s mum shot his dad a look that told him to be more sensitive. At times, it was almost as if his dad forgot about his depression and he actually seemed taken aback slightly whenever Dan had one of his – relatively frequent – panic attacks.
Dan's train pulled into the station and he hugged each of his parents again and then boarded the train, scannning his ticket as he did so. When he sat down, he let his tears fall. It wasn't that he was worried about being away from home – he'd done that numerous times in previous years – it was just nerves. And anxiety. A couple of minutes later, a girl who only looked a few years older than Dan came up to him and tapped him nervously on the shoulder.
“Um, excuse me,” she said, seemingly nervously, “um, are you alright? It's just that you've been crying for the last ten minutes or so.” Somehow, Dan had forgotten that he had been crying and hastily wiped his eyes.
“No, yeah, I'm fine. It's just nerves. I'm starting uni today and I'm just nervous.” Dan replied, trying to make that the girl’s cue to leave, which she obviously didn't understand.
“Oh it's fine, don't worry. I'm in uni too – my second year in fact – I was really nervous when I started but I'm fine now. Which uni are you going to?” The girl asked hurriedly.
“Manchester,” Dan sighed’ “I'm going to study law.” At this statement, the girl’s eyes seemed to light up slightly for some unknown reason.
“Oh that's where I go! I study English language and literature. Wait, where are my manners? I forgot to introduce myself, my name’s Alison.” She held her hand out to shake it and Dan reluctantly shook it.
“You have a very firm grip,” Alison stated, “you're hot, cute, intelligent and have a nice, firm grip. You're just my type.. Hey, can I get your number?” Alison asked, very rushed. Dan had noticed that she talked very fast – almost incoherently.
“About that though,” Dan replied, speaking far less rushed than Alison had as if to get a point across to her, “as nice as you are, I don't feel like talking to anyone at the moment, and not like that either, no offence. So I might see you around or not but I'm sorry, that's the way it is.” On hearing this, Alison walked back to her seat feeling rather embarrassed and Dan decided to catch up on some sleep.
When Dan woke up, the train was just pulling into the station. He quickly gathered his stuff up and then ran off the train as soon as the doors opened. It wasn't as if he was in a rush to go anywhere but, for some unknown reason, he wanted to get out of that place. Of course, he wasn't looking where he was going, so of course he managed to run into someone who was, of course, carrying a cup of coffee.
“Ow, fuck!” Dan shouted after he'd been covered in the hot liquid. He looked up to see whose breakfast he'd managed to spill all over himself and saw a man who looked a bit older than him with jet-black hair and beautiful blue eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” Dan said, him being the one to speak hastily now, “I ruined your coffee, do you want me to get you a new one?” The man just shook his head and laughed slightly,
“Don't worry, I wouldn't have had enough time to drink it anyway and it was very cheap.” For some reason, Dan felt oddly disappointed. He'd wanted to buy this random stranger a coffee and then possibly get to talk to him a little more. When he ran that through his head, he realised how weird that actually sounded; this man was a complete stranger, he may have been quite an attractive stranger, but he was a stranger nonetheless. Probably a straight stranger too, he added in his mind. Dan kept on walking, looking where he was going this time so as not to run into anyone else – literally.
When Dan finally made it to the university, he had bumped into a further two people in his haste and had dropped his phone a running total of three times, so it wasn't exactly going well for him so far. He checked in and got his flat and room number, and found out that he'd be sharing a flat with three other people. He was nervous yet excited to share a flat. Nervous because they might all hate him and he really cared about what people thought about him, but also excited because they might also be people he could potentially make friends with. When he got to the flat, there were already two people there, two girls who already seemed to be in a deep conversation. Upon seeing him enter, of the girls, one who had brown hair and glasses, said in a very cheerful voice:
“Hi! My name is Sara, this is Rubing.” She gestured to the other girl who smiled shyly, “Rubing was telling me all about her hometown in China just as you walked in, it's so fascinating.” Sara carried on.
“Well it's nice to meet you both. Uh, I'm Dan. Is anyone else going to be sharing this room?” Dan replied.
“Well,” Sara continued, “we will be sharing this part of the room with these two beds and you will be sharing the other part of the room over there with a boy called Phil, he's also in his fourth year, like me.” Dan didn't know what it was, but for some reason, all the young people he had encountered recently seemed to have a tendency to speak really fast, as if people would stop listening if they took too long on a sentence.
Once Dan had unpacked his bag, the door to their room opened and in came the man he'd managed to run into before; the one from the station whose coffee he had spilled, the one Dan recalled as having very pretty blue eyes. The boy walked over to Dan.
“Hi, are you new here?” He asked Dan. Dan didn't turn his head in fear of this boy finding out that Dan was the person who spilt his coffee, so Dan just nodded.
“Ah, okay. I'm Phil Lester.” Phil held out his hand for Dan to shake it. What's with all the hand shaking? Dan thought. Oh well, he might as well shake this guy’s hand. He might as well turn and face him too because, if he was going to share a room with this man, he would have to eventually face him.
“I'm Dan. Dan Howell, not that that's important.” Dan shook Phil's hand and Phil's face seemed to light up when Dan locked eyes with him. Has he recognised me? Dan worried, he knew Phil said it didn't matter at the time, but he still would rather Phil didn't remember him as ‘the boy who spilt my coffee by running too fast’
“Have I seen you somewhere before?” Phil asked, his face going from smiling in recognition to mildly confused. Oh shit, Dan thought.
“Um, yes, I think you might've. I, uh, spilt your coffee earlier. On me.” Dan went slightly red at this statement and couldn't bring himself to look anywhere besides the floor. Phil laughed slightly,
“I thought you looked familiar. Hey, do you want to go get a coffee?” Phil asked. Dan just about managed to make eye contact with him and he smiled slightly. It may only have been a small smile, but it was a genuine smile nonetheless.
“Yeah, that'd be nice, give us a chance to get to know each other better...” Dan trailed off, worried he'd said the wrong thing. Dan had to admit, even though he'd only just met him, he actually felt nervous and self-conscious around Phil. He seemed to worry whether what he did or said was right. Come on, pull yourself together, you've only just met him, Dan though to himself, he could even be an axe murderer, you never know.
So Dan went with Phil to the closest café to get a coffee and, on the way there, discovered four things about him:
1: he was 22
2: he was studying English language
3: he was hoping to get a masters’ degree
4: he was in his fourth year there
Phil, on the other hand, only found out about Dan's depression and the fact that he was eighteen. It wasn't as if Phil was one of those people to only talk about himself, it was just that Dan didn't want to talk much about himself and kept asking more about Phil, and when Phil asked about Dan, he seemed reluctant to actually tell Phil anything. Phil could somehow sense this and so didn't press on.
They both ordered coffees and sat and talked more and Dan found himself growing very fond of Phil, despite the fact that they had just met. It was all going smoothly until a waitress came up to them to take their empty coffee cups away and said
“What a cute couple you guys are! How long have you been together?” Dan said nothing, he just looked down and went red, hoping to god that Phil didn't notice his redness, and he on the other hand was very quick to correct her.
“Oh, we’re not together,” he said’ “we’re just friends from university. We've actually only just met.” Upon hearing this, the waitress looked seemigly embarrassed, and Phil noticed this and picked up upon it,
“It's okay though, it doesn't matter.” The waitress pulled a slight sigh of relief, and proceeded to take away their coffee cups.
When they got back to uni a bit later, they arrived in their room and saw three more girls in there, along with Sara and Rubing.
“Um, can I ask what's going on here?” Phil said to the girls, two of whom seemed to blatantly ignore him, even after having reigistered that they'd heard him and the third one who looked like she might genuinely not have heard him, and Rubing just looked at him shyly. Sara, however, was polite and quick to answer.
“Well, this is May,” she said, gesturing to a girl with bright blue hair that came about shoulder length, “this is Sofia,” she gestured to a brunette girl who Dan thought looked like the female equivalent of him, “and this is Christina,” she pointed to the third girl, a girl with jet-black hair, bright green eyes and a septum piercing.
“Call me Chrissy,” she said and smiled seductively at Dan. Dan just smiled back, trying to convey to her that he wasn't interested in girls ‘like that’. He was used to it though, all the girls thought he was attractive, which he was, but he didn't particularly consider himself attractive, especially when he stood next to Phil.
“It's nice to meet you,” Phil said, “I'm Phil and this is Dan,” he gestured to Dan who kind of just stood there not knowing whether he should say anything.
Later, Dan and Phil were in their section of the room and they were discussing things that they had found out they had in common. They were currently discussing anime, something that they both loved, and Dan could feel himself getting more and more fond of Phil as time went by. He kept looking into Phil's eyes and finding himself unable to draw his gaze away because they were – as cliché as he knew that sounded – the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen. He seemed to be so fixated on Phil's eyes that he didn't noticed that Phil had asked him a question.
“Dan? Can you hear me?” Phil looked at him, slightly confused.
“No, sorry, what did you say? I didn't hear you.” Dan said. This must be the point where he thinks I'm a freak. Dan thought, except he didn't realise that Phil actually thought it was kind of cute, Dan getting all flustered and lost like this. Phil repeated his question.
“I said ‘do you want to watch an anime now?’” Dan looked up and locked eyes with Phil again and smiled,
“Yeah, I'd like that.” For some reason, he liked it when Phil asked him if he wanted to do something with him, despite the fact that they had only known each other for a day. Dan liked Phil, there was no other way of putting it, he just felt that he was moving too fast with him, that he should get to know Phil more because, quite frankly, Phil was practically still a stranger to him.
Some hours later, after they'd watched as much anime as their brains could put up with, Phil announced that he was going to bed, leaving Dan alone with his thoughts, which wasn't particularly good. You like him, Dan’s thoughts told him, you like him and you know it. Dan found himself mentally arguing with his brain to the point that he found himself shouting “shut the fuck up!” out loud, earning some strange looks from Sara and Rubing.
“Are you alright?” Rubing asked. First time she’s spoken, Dan thought, then registered that she'd asked him a question.
“Oh, um, I’m fine thank you.” Dan said awkwardly, mentally facepalming himself. Rubing seemed to look at him in a way that seemed almost as if she was pitying him for being so awkward, as if she felt sorry for him because he came across as a social wreck.
The next few weeks went by in a blur, and before Dan knew it, he was starting his first class, and he was nervous. No, he wasn't nervous, that was very much of an understatement; he was terrified. He was nervous to the point where he felt as if he might throw up or pass out at any moment, and he had to keep telling himself that it would be fine, to stop worrying, that it's only the first lesson so it shouldn't be too difficult, that no-one else would know what to do either, that it would be just like school again. This last bit however, instead of giving him confidence, scared him shitless. School was exactly the thing – one of the things at least – that had made him sink into depression: all the school work, tests, homework, they'd all stressed him out too much, to the point where he couldn't go on with any of it. In all fairness though, the people in the school had been another strong thing that made him break down like he did, and he trusted that people in university would be perhaps more mature, at least to the extent that they wouldn't be assholes to him. If they had any ounce of decency within themselves, they would, if anything, at least try to be nice to him, even if just to help prevent him from having a panic attack. After telling himself this, he felt surprisingly better and was able to go off to his first lecture with his head held high.
As predicted, his first lecture was more of an introduction. First an introduction to the lecturer who, even from only one experience with him, Dan could tell he was going to like, and then a general introduction to the subject of law, which, despite choosing with a high amount of enthusiasm, Dan knew very little to nothing about, and finally, something that would help Dan in the long run, tips on how to stop yourself procrastinating your homework, something Dan was the master of. On his way back to his flat, he noticed it was starting to go dark, even though it was only – Dan checked his phone – 18:37. That's England for you, he thought. He was right too, English winters are dark at the stupidest times. Once back at the flat, he noticed that the door to the balcony was open, and Phil was standing outside on the balcony. Dan walked out and joined him.
“Aren't the stars pretty?” Phil said, not removing his gaze from the sky.
“Yeah,” Dan agreed, except his brain was saying not as pretty as you but he ignored it. Dan did the typical girl-with-her-crush thing, wherein he started faking being cold so that maybe, just maybe, he could cuddle up with Phil.
“Wow, it’s cold out though,” Dan feigned shivering, even though he was actually quite warm.
“Want my coat?” Phil offered. Of course he would.
“No thanks, you keep it,” Dan replied. Phil then subconsciously put his arm around Dan, causing Dan to have an internal freak-out with joy, and then he leaned into Phil. Maybe they had only known each other for a couple of weeks or so, but Dan really liked Phil, he really, really liked him. He could probably make a list of 100 reasons why he liked Phil and still have more, but he'd probably save that for another time, he thought, and just enjoy this moment while it lasted.
“I’ll miss this,” Phil said suddenly, keeping his gaze on the stars. Dan just looked at him.
“Miss what?” Dan asked, hoping he meant that he'd miss the cuddling rather than the stargazing. Phil turned to look at him.
“This,” he said, “being out here with you, watching the stars. I'm gonna miss it a lot, even though we haven't known each other that long.” Instantly, Dan thought Phil meant when he left, which was half right, but at the end of the year because it was his last.
“Well, it's the beginning of the year, you have ages yet.” Dan said carelessly. With that, Phil's face dropped, and, upon seeing Phil's drop, so did Dan's.
“What's wrong?” Dan asked.
“Didn't I tell you, Dan?” Dan shook his head. “I’m leaving. Phil said. Dan didn't think this world could come crashing down in just two words. Phil Lester, the person whom he had grown to be very close to in such a short amount of time, was leaving. And there was nothing Dan could do about it.
“You're… what?” Dan said, his voice small and sounding like he was holding back tears. Well, he was.
“I'm so sorry Dan. My parents don't like this university, they never did, and they've been trying for ages to transfer me to another one. I was okay with that, but then I met you and I was trying to persuade them to let me stay but it didn't work.” Phil seemed to be on the verge of tears at this point, and Dan actually had tears running down his face silently.
“Why did my existence make any difference though?” Dan sniffed. Phil sighed.
“Because Dan… because, I think… I think I love you…” Phil trailed off and stared guiltily at the ground.
“What?” Dan said stupidly. I must've heard him wrongly, there's no way he could love me, Dan told himself.
“I love you, Dan, I love you. And I'm sorry.” Phil was unaware of the tears currently running down face at this point. Dan didn't say anything. Instead he turned so he and Phil were facing and pressed his lips to Phil's, kissing him softly. Phil didn't respond at first, but once he did, he was kissing back with a slow, rhythmic movement in time with Dan's, before suddenly pulling away. Dan just looked at him, confused and slightly hurt.
“Dan, this isn't helping me to get over you, please don't make this any harder than this has to be.”
“Phil, you didn't wait for my response. I love you too. Why else would I have kissed you?” Dan said, smiling slightly, despite the news he had just previously got. Phil smiled back at him and pulled him in for another kiss, a more passionate one this time, and then backed them both up into the flat so they were on Dan’s bed, Dan lying on it and Phil on top of him, and they were kissing passionately, hot, open-mouthed kisses, without even breaking away for air. Soon, they were a mass of bodies and sweat, and they went at it with a passion neither of them had ever experienced, except it was Dan's first time, and Phil had only done it once before, but it was filled with some kind of passion you wouldn't be able to place with most relationships. Afterwards, they were just lying together, Dan having forgotten about Phil's crushing news from previously, when Phil said
“You know Dan, I think I've liked you from the first day we met,” and kissed him on the top of the head. Both of the boys had forgotten that a: they were lying together in Dan’s bed without any clothes on, and that b: they lived in a shared flat with two girls who could just walk in at any moment to see them lying like that, but neither of them cared enough to think about it. This was something that came easily, Dan thought. He'd liked Phil for a while and, even though he'd had a girlfriend before, (who, needless to say, turned out to be a total bitch) he'd never found a relationship this easy before. Breaking the silence, Dan said:
“Are we boyfriends now?” To which Phil kissed him again.
“Do you want to be?” He replied.
“Of course I do,” Dan said, “ I really want that.” And Phil smiled at him with that, pressing a third kiss to his forehead.
“This is the most fun I've ever had.” Dan said.
“Me too,” Phil smiled, “me too.”
The next morning, Phil woke up and instantly smiled when he remembered what had happened. He smiled even more when he remembered that he was now Dan's boyfriend. Dan was his boyfriend and no-one else's. When he thought about this, he kissed Dan on his neck, something that made him fidget slightly in his sleep as if it seemed to irritate him. Phil smiled again and decided to get up to make a coffee.
When his coffee was brewing, he was suddenly aware of the lack of people in the house. He and Dan seemed to be alone in their four-person flat, meaning Sara and Rubing had seemingly disappeared last night. Phil shrugged, however, and carried on with his coffee. There were more important matters here, as selfish as that sounded, and they'd probably be back soon. Once his coffee was ready, he took it back to the bedroom where Dan was just waking up, and sat down on the bed.
“Hey,” Dan said, still sounding half asleep.
“Good morning,” Phil responded, “I made coffee, want some?”
“Yes please,” Dan replied, and Phil got up to pour him some. When Phil was getting the coffee, Dan reminisced everything that had happened the previous night, and a smile crept over his face. Then he remembered Phil's crushing news and suddenly his mood completely changed. When Phil came back with Dan’s coffee, Dan thanked him and then said
“When are you leaving?” Phil looked at him sadly, swallowed his current mouthful of coffee, and said
“Two months.” Dan wasn't sure whether he was thankful for this or not. On the one hand, it could've been weeks until Phil was leaving, however on the other hand, two months go by very quickly. Dan just sighed and looked at Phil who just gave a look that said “I'm sorry”.
They sat in near silence whilst they drank their coffee, until Dan said
“Which university are you going to?”
“UCL,” Phil replied, “my parents say it's really good and they've been trying to get me in there for ages.”
“Where is it? And what does UCL stand for anyway?” Dan knew but he wished he didn't know. He and Phil had only just confessed their feelings for each other, yet they were already being torn apart.
“It's in London,” Phil replied, “and it stands for University College London.” Of course, Dan thought that sounded quite pretentious, but who was he to complain. He could already feel tears gathering in his eyes and blinked hard to try to stop them from falling, but to no avail. It, in fact, did quite the opposite, and tears were suddenly pouring down his cheeks.
“Oh, Dan.” Phil said sympathetically, before putting his coffee down and pulling Dan a warm hug, a hug like no other he'd had before.
“I'm so sorry, Dan,” Phil whispered, “I wish there was something I could do to stop it, but once my parents have made up their minds – my dad especially – there's no changing them. I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry Dan. I love you so much.” Dan said nothing, he just buried his face further into Phil's chest, inhaling his scent as a source of comfort, the tears still pouring down his face like a waterfall. Dan sniffed and said
“I love you Phil.”
“I love you too, Dan.”
Two months passed by quickly, and before they knew it, it was Phil's last day. Dan and Phil were sitting on Phil's bed and Dan was in tears.
“I’ll only be in London, Dan, you can visit me anytime, or I can visit you.” Phil said, rubbing Dan's shoulders trying to comfort him.
“But it's not the same. I love living with you Phil. I love waking up in the morning and seeing you next to me. I love being able to come back from a shitty lecture and have you here to comfort me. It won't be the same. You were the main reason my depression was seemingly going away.” Dan cried. He was almost full-on sobbing at this point now. Phil sighed and started stroking Dan's hair gently, trying to soothe him, and wrapped his arms around Dan's shoulders, squeezing slightly. Dan sniffed and leaned into Phil's touch, more tears rolling down his face. Phil took his phone out and displayed the time. 21:24. They'd been sitting there for about an hour at this point and still hadn't had dinner or anything. At this point though, neither of them could care less, both of them wanted to spend all the time Phil had left at the university together. Dan was still crying silently at this point and Phil was beginning to cry a bit now. It wasn't the fact that he was leaving, it was the fact that he was
leaving Dan. He was leaving Dan. Tears threatened behind his eyelids, but he tried to hold them back. He needed to compose himself for Dan’s sake.
“We should probably go to bed,” Dan sniffed, wiping his eyes, “you have to be up early tomorrow.”
“Do you want to sleep in with me tonight?” Phil asked Dan, wiping some of the tears off his blotchy face. Dan nodded, both of them ignoring the fact that it was a single bed and there would be no way in hell that they'd both be able to fit comfortably in it. Phil kissed Dan's forehead and got up to go to the bathroom. Dan lay down on Phil's bed, tears still running down his cheeks, put his hands over his eyes and let out a loud sigh. This was happening. This was actually happening. Dan sighed again and pulled his knees up to his chest and rolled onto his side, lying in a foetal position, and closed his eyes. A few minutes later, he heard the bathroom door open, heard Phil walk over to where he was lying, and then felt the bed dip next to him. Phil put a hand on his arm and rubbed gently.
“It'll be okay Dan. I promise I'll come and visit you as much as I can. And in the holidays you could stay with me…” Phil trailed off when he noticed it was no use trying to console him. There obviously was no cheering Dan up; he seemed to be broken beyond repair. Phil just lay down next to Dan and rolled him over so that Dan’s head was lying on Phil's chest, and Phil ran his hand through his hair, which was, at this point, losing its straightness and was going back to its natural curls which Phil loved but Dan hated, and they fell asleep like that.
Phil woke up at around 06:30 the next morning, and even though he didn't want to disturb Dan, he knew Dan wouldn't forgive him if he left without a goodbye, so he shook him gently awake.
“Dan,” he said quietly, “I'm leaving now.” And as soon as Dan heard these words, he sat up suddenly and threw his arms around Phil and hugged him tightly, not wanting to ever let go. Phil hugged him back and tried to hold back tears.
“I love you Phil, please visit me often.” Dan said, in tears again, and hugged Phil even more tightly, if that was possible at this point.
“I love you too, and I promise I'll try to visit you as much as I can.” Phil was in tears too now.
Phil's departure was hard, to say the least. When his parents arrived to collect him, Dan threw his arms around Phil and began sobbing into his jacket and Phil hugged Dan tightly as if they'd never see each other again. Well, that's certainly how they felt. Once Phil had left, Dan walked back into the flat and lay face-down on Phil's bed, inhaling his scent, and sobbed again. The one person he had become close to and who had made this less of a living hell had just left to go to practically the other end of the country. Dan thought about how they'd probably lose contact, how he'd probably never see Phil again, how Phil would probably settle down very easily in his new place, how he'd probably find someone else and probably forget all about Dan. With these thoughts, and some other ones, in mind, he sobbed harder, gripping Phil's pillow to give himself some comfort, imagining it was Phil himself. At no point did it occur to Dan that he would probably see Phil sometime soon.
About three hours later, Dan woke up, having realised he'd fallen asleep, to feel someone sitting next to him on the bed.
“Are you alright?” A small voice asked. Dam turned his head to see Rubing sitting next to him. Dan just shook his head. He wasn't alright, far from it.
“I’m so sorry we didn't tell you, we thought he'd have told you,” she continued. Great, so both my other roommates found out beforehand but I only found out by accident? I probably wouldn't even have found out if we hadn't been on the balcony that day, Dan thought, but stopped himself. He couldn't be angry with Phil.
“It's okay,” Dan mumbled, “it wasn't up to you, but thanks anyway.”
“Are you going to be okay? Do you want breakfast or something?” Rubing asked. Dan wondered why she'd suddenly started being so nice to him. Granted, it wasn't as if he'd been an asshole towards her or anything, but he didn't speak to her that much, and she barely ever said anything. The first time she did speak, Dan recalled being quite taken aback by hearing her voice for the first time. He also recalled being quite awkward towards her too, but then, what was new with that. That was when Dan had suddenly realised she'd asked him to go have breakfast with them, and, as much as his mind was saying no, his stomach was begging yes because he hadn't eaten for two days, so he mumbled a faint “okay…” and got up to go with her.
Dan made himself a coffee and helped himself to some cereal before sitting down at the table, only to be greeted by an unusually somber-looking Sara. She and Rubing exchanged pitying glances at each other, and that was when Dan realised they were pitying him.
“Are you okay?” Sara asked, and even though they were being genuinely nice to him, he just wanted to scream. Mainly because Phil had left, but also partly because he hated it when people pitied him. ‘Hey, look at him the depressed kid who got worked up all because someone transferred to another university even though they can still see each other.’ That's what they're thinking, freak. They're all judging you for missing someone. You're an idiot, that’s what they think. Dan’s thoughts weren't much help to him, his anxiety had the power to convince him that even the closest people to him hated him, which is what it was trying to do now. However, he managed to repress these thoughts deep down so they didn't affect him too much.
“Yeah, I'm okay,” Dan said, “pretty fucking depressed, but apart from that, I'm fine.” There was a hint of sarcasm in Dan's words, which wasn't a rare occurrence, only this time he managed to come across as slightly rude.
“Sorry,” he said, “I just really miss him, okay?” And with this, tears started rolling down his face again and he buried his face in his hands, letting out dry sobs. Rubing and Sara just exchanged awkward glances at each other, when Sara leaned over and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.
“It's okay, I'm sure you'll be able to see him again soon.” She tried to soothe the crying Dan, but to no avail.
“It's not that though!” Dan sniffed “it’s just the fact that he was making me happier just by being around. Just his existence made me happier. I don't know why, I just… I loved him, okay? He told me he loved me too and I couldn't believe it at first but he actually did and… he only told me this when he accidentally told me that he was leaving…” Dan stopped short, suddenly realising he was rambling a bit. “Sorry, I'm ranting, aren't I?”
“It's okay, no worries. Just as long as it makes you feel better.” Sara said. Well, Dan thought, Phil may have gone but I still have good friends.
The next few days weren't any better. If anything in fact, they seemed to be worse. Dan seemed to get a lot of sympathy from the few friends he had, people who were also good friends of Phil's. At the back of Dan's mind, there was a thought that was telling him that he was being melodramatic, that it wasn't as if Phil was dead or anything, that the others were right when they said that he could easily go and visit Phil whenever he wanted. But that was the rational part of his brain that he didn't want to speak to. He decided to go with the part of his brain that decided to make him act as though Phil was dead. This continued for a long time too, Dan would just sulk in a bubble of misery, kind of like when he was at school and was struggling with the worst of his depression. Slowly, he felt himself sink back into the worst of his depression, until he didn't remember what it felt like to be happy, like he was with Phil.
TWO YEARS LATER
“Hey Dan!” Came the voice of Dan's cheery new roommate, Hayley, “they said there's gonna be a new person joining us today. They said it's a guy, but they didn't say what his name was.” She said it with a lot of enthusiasm, but Dan showed none.
“That's… great,” he mumbled. Nothing seemed to please him anymore. It wasn’t really Phil's absence that made Dan the way he was. Well, that was what triggered it, but truthfully, he had got over Phil now. Or at least, that's what he told himself. In all fairness, he still missed Phil, he missed him a lot, and they hadn't even contacted each other since Phil left. You'd think you'd stop missing someone after they leave and don't contact you for two years, wouldn't you? Well you'd be wrong. You'd be wrong in Dan's case at least. Dan still missed Phil as if a day hadn't passed since that fateful day when Phil left.
A couple of hours later, Hayley was in the kitchen when a car pulled up outside the window.
“Oh, that'll be the new guy probably!” She called out to Dan, who was, as per usual, lying on the sofa on his laptop in his ‘browsing position’.
“Good, why don't you welcome him in then?” Dan said in reply. He wasn't the most enthusiastic of people at the best of times, and he didn't like socialising, so the thought of another human coming to live in the same flat as him made him groan audibly. He didn't even like Hayley that much. Well, that was an unfair statement, he liked her enough, she was just completely the opposite of him. She was outgoing and confident, seemingly always happy and she liked people. She literally seemed happy when she found out she would get to meet people, something Dan could never get his head around.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door and Hayley said
“That must be him! I'll go and let him in.” You do that, Dan thought. Hayley opened the door and in came a man looking just a bit older than Dan and… a lot like Phil… No, he looks nothing like him, shut up. Dan thought. He did seem to resemble Phil slightly, he had the same build and black hair. If only Dan could see his face. He would soon though probably, it was just a matter of waiting.
“Have you got that?” Hayley asked. That was another thing about her, she was overly-helpful, as in she would be determined to help people even when they didn't need it.
“Yeah, I've got it. There we go. Thanks by the way.” The man said. He even sounds like Phil! Dan thought. Seconds later, the man turned around and he and Dan locked eyes, and Dan thought he might have had a mini heart attack.
“Phil… is that… actually you?” Dan said. The person just looked at him with a sense of longing and fondness.
“Yes Dan, it’s really me.” Phil just stood there and seemed like he didn't know how to react. Dan just ran over to him and wrapped his arms around Phil, engulfing him in the tightest hug ever.
“Oh Phil, I thought I'd never see you again, I've missed you so much.” Dan whispered to Phil. Phil just held on to Dan more tightly than before, if that was possible, and stroked his hair softly, the way he used to do before they split up.
“I can't believe you're actually here, oh my god I have missed you so much.” Dan was almost crying at this point. When they finally pulled away, Phil went to put his bags in the room and Dan followed him.
“So what made you come back here? I thought your parents didn't like this place…” Dan said to Phil, feeling slightly confused but not really caring about much besides the fact that Phil was back with him.
“Well,” Phil began, “I wasn’t doing very well in the other university. I failed the year and had to repeat.”
“I thought that was only something that happened in schools. Repeating the year, I mean,” Dan said, watching Phil as he placed his bags down on the bed.
“That's what I thought too,” Phil began, “I was doing quite well there for the first few months or so, and then, as time went by, I started to gradually go downhill and I actually seemed to fail the year. I didn't actually though you could fail the year in uni.” Phil sighed and carried on, “and then my parents suddenly decided that I'd be better off here, because at least I was doing well here.” Phil started to unpack his bags, placing neatly folded items of clothing on his bed. Dan just kind of stood there, too overwhelmed to know what to do. Dan had noticed that Phil looked different from the last time they saw each other. Granted, it was two years ago, but Dan didn't expect Phil to have changed at all. For a start, Phil's haircut was the same, but instead of it being the wild, long hair that Dan had once known, it was now shorter and neater and fell to just below his chin. Phil also wore glasses now, although he knew Phil had needed glasses last time they saw each other, but Phil wasn't too blind then. He'd either have worn contact lenses, or, before he put them on in the morning or after he took them off, he'd just be marginally blind. Phil had noticed Dan seemed to have changed too. His hair, unlike Phil's, was longer. Instead of it reaching his neck like it used to, it now almost reached his shoulders, to the point where it was only just missing them.
Phil had unpacked all of his stuff and was sitting in the living room with Dan, the two of them talking about what had happened since Phil had left two years ago. Phil had noticed Dan's personality had changed too. Instead of the boy he seemed to have been before, who talked to Phil with some sort of haste in his voice that suggested he was nervous about whether what he said was right or not, he now seemed like an adult, well, strictly, he was an adult, considering the fact that he was twenty years old now, but, before, he had seemed much younger than he was, a child at heart, so it seemed strange to Phil, talking to Dan like he was any other adult.
Some hours later, Dan was standing outside on the balcony, reminiscing about the time when the two boys confessed their love for one another, when Phil walked outside.
“Remember that night?” Phil said, “y’know, the one where we were standing outside on the balcony like this?” Dan looked at him, and he got a feeling of longing that he hadn't felt since Phil had left, and said
“Yes, that was the best night of my life, despite the fact that you told me you were leaving.” Dan blushed and looked down. He knew how cliché all of this was but at this point, he honestly couldn't care less. Phil's eyes met his and they both smiled. Phil walked over to Dan and kissed him squarely on the lips. Dan kissed him back passionately, and then it occurred to him that, as long as Phil was around, his depression would be something forgotten about because, quite frankly, whenever he was with Phil, nothing else bothered him. Phil deepened the kiss before suddenly pulling away and pulling Dan in for a hug.
“I've missed this,” he whispered.
“Me too,” Dan whispered back, smiling to himself, “so much.” Dan buried his face into Phil's shoulder and breathed in his scent. It was true, he had missed this, and he hadn't actually realised how much he had missed it until it was actually happening. It was then that Dan realised that he probably would have a full-on breakdown if Phil left him again, so he whispered
“Don't leave me again, please. I don't think I'd be able to handle it.” On hearing that, Phil hugged him tighter, then pulled away and looked him in the eyes.
“Listen to me,” Phil said solemnly, “I promise that I will never leave you ever again. I love you so much Dan.”
“I love you too, Phil.” Dan said. He didn't need Phil to swear that he would never leave him because he trusted Phil with his life.
And let's just say that Phil kept his promise.
A/N: I apologise if it's shit, it's the first thing I've ever written, fanfic-wise.
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