Categories > Anime/Manga > Naruto > The Journal
Warning: Yaoi, sadness, and incest kinda not really but whatever.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, that one guy who's name I can't remember right now does.
The Journal
Sasuke had been reading the journal for weeks and still he wasn't even close to finishing it. When he wasn't reading it he was thinking of it, and when he was reading it he couldn't put it down. So many sleepless nights began to add up and yet he was still tormented by this longing to keep reading the journal. Naruto was so much like him in many ways, but so different. His inner turmoil kept him from functioning correctly and many times he would find himself feeling emotion and thinking.
His horrible past would sometimes reappear in his mind, when Naruto was having a pretty difficult time in the journal. He could remember his brother's cruel red eyes watching in delight as the house burned and the shrieks of pain pierced the air. The emotions he had felt that day returned, he could feel the same pain and fear coursing through his veins. The cold arms that embraced him and held him back from running back to his parents burning to death in the mansion, and the tears that had spilled down his cheeks. A cruel laugh filled his ears.
Sasuke was surprised to feel the tears running down his face. He slowly reached his hands up to his face and felt the warm tears. The shock for the Uchiha was great and he began to shake as he realized that he still cared and was hurt over what had happened. Sasuke hadn't cried since that day, and thought that he never would again. The journal had changed him already so drastically.
The Uchiha whipped the tears from his eyes and stood from his bed. He had been running from his past, but he never thought he would actually have to ever face it. He turned to look at the journal and picked it up. Thoughts ran through his head and he realized what he had to do. Throwing on some clothes he walked quickly into the hall and down the stairs. The maids and butlers who saw him were shocked to see their master actually leaving the house so abruptly. Sasuke walked out of the house to his car and began driving down the road.
As he drove he thought back to the most recent entries he had read.
December 27, 2002
I still can't believe I've had this diary for a year. So many things have happened and I don't know how to feel about them. Haku got cancer and then survived and then started going out with Zabuza. Gaara going out with Neiji, it all has changed for them. I have to wonder why my life continues to stay the same. I'm not as sad as I used to be, but I still am sad. I have stopped cutting, but the scars still remain. I still smile, but the frowns always return. It's like there is something missing inside of me. I know that I've changed, but I still feel the same.
December 29, 2002
Today, Sakura, Ino, and I are all going to go shopping. I'm kind of afraid, because last time we went, I ended up in girl's clothes. Don't even ask it's a long and scary story. Even though a lot of people still hate me for being a monster, I am a little happier with all the new people who are my friends.
January 1, 2003
I can't stop the tears. I am really happy for Haku I am, but I can't help but feel upset and angry that he is leaving me. Zabuza is moving to the United States, and Haku is going with him. Is it wrong for me to be mad and sad? I mean, I'm trying to feel happy for him, I just can't. Haku means so much to me! I ALMOST LOST HIM ONCE AND NOW IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! WHY! WHY? Why? Why Haku why? Doesn't he know what this does to me? I am so hurt and feel so sad. I keep on crying and crying. Haku may not be dieing this time, but once he leaves to America...He will be dead to me. I love Haku, but he hurts me so much. I am so ugly! I am jealous of Haku's happiness! I'm such an ugly person, I don't deserve and love or happiness! I should just die! Kill me! KILL ME! MAKE ME BLEED! I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN! I DON'T WANT THIS UGLYINESS! WHY AM I ALIVE! WHY? WHY WILL NO ONE ANSWER ME! WHY? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I WANT IT ALL TO DISSAPPEAR! I WANT TO FADE AWAY INTO BLACK AND NEVER COME BACK! EVERYTIME I FEEL HAPPY FOR REAL, SOMETHING HAPPENS AND IT ALL FALLS APART! THE HIGHER I GO THE MORE IT HURTS WHEN I FALL BACK DOWN! I HATE YOU HAKU! HATE YOU! HATE!
Tears slipped silently down the blonde boy's cheeks as he wrote in the journal. His hand was shaking and lip quivering. Every once in awhile Naruto would wipe the back of his hand across his sore, blood-shot eyes and try to clear his vision. The boy eventually began to write furiously before slamming it shut and throwing it at his wall.
Covering his face with his hands, the broken boy began to sob quietly. He was so sad and angry, but he didn't know what to do. He was confused and just wanted to be comforted and held. He was losing his best friend and brother, and he could do nothing about it. The blonde boy brought his knees to his chest and cried himself to sleep.
January 2, 2003
I don't hate Haku. I hate what he is doing to me. I'm so sad and confused now. I still want to die. Just fade away and never have to feel again. It would be so much easier that way, but I don't want to run away from my problems. They will just haunt me until I go insane. I'm going to tell Haku how I feel, and I hope he'll understand.
January 3, 2003
Haku understands. He knows how painful it is for me, because he is going through the same pain. Last night he held me until I fell asleep and this morning he told me something. "Naruto, no matter what happens, I'll always love you, Aniki. No matter where I am, I'll always be there for you. I am so sorry that I'm leaving you. I hope that one day you'll forgive me and understand why I am leaving. Remember, this isn't goodbye, because this isn't forever. We'll see each other again, don't worry, I promise we will." I will miss Haku, but I want him to be happy, so I'll wait for the day that we meet again.
Sasuke frowned as he found himself thinking of the blonde boy again. He would obsess over the blonde later, right now he had to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He pulled his car into the parking lot of a seemingly lifeless building. Not many cars graced the parking lot and Sasuke shivered at the thought of whom he was going to see.
The Uchiha took a deep shaky breath before opening the car door and walking to the entrance of the building. Inside it was completely white. He felt like the white walls of the sterile and almost empty building were swallowing him. Walking to the information desk he felt the dread building in his stomach, he knew he had to do this though. He then asked the man there.
"I am here to see my brother, Itachi Uchiha."
The man nodded and handed him directions to where his brother was kept. Sasuke walked down the empty halls of the mental asylum and felt sicker with every step he took. When he finally came upon the room his brother resided in all thought and breath left his body for a moment. Then he came to and opened the door.
Itachi Uchiha had many problems. First being he was clinically insane. He had been in the mental asylum since he was thirteen, right after his family's murder. Itachi had freaked out in the questioning room when they asked him if Sasuke had started the fire and he attacked the police officer. They quickly hauled him off to the mental asylum after the incident, but there was no evidence on who started the fire.
Another of many problems was his love for his brother. Itachi was in love with Sasuke, not in the brother way. He had wanted Sasuke when they had been younger, but Sasuke was eight and still naïve and innocent. Itachi wanted to be the one to corrupt him, but his parents figured out what Itachi was doing and was going to separate them. Itachi refused to let his parents take Sasuke away from him. This led many to believe Itachi had started the fire.
"Sa...Sasuke?"
What Sasuke saw before him wasn't the same older brother he remembered. The man before him was frowning and looked scared. His brother was always confident and stoic. This man looked ready to cry. Sure physically they looked the same, the man and his brother, but this man couldn't be Itachi.
"Itachi?" Sasuke questioned kneeling in front of the man.
"Yes," Itachi began. "It's me, and I have something I must tell you."
"What?"
"I love you Sasuke. I'm in love with you, and I have been since we were children." Itachi looked down ashamed. "I loved you so much that I killed our parents so I wouldn't lose you. I'm so sorry Sasuke; I know you'll never forgive me. I know you hate me, and that you'll never have and never will love me."
Sasuke looked at his broken brother and couldn't feel the hate he had once felt before. He didn't fear his brother like when they were younger. Sasuke could only feel pity, for the brother he had once had. The Itachi he had known had died the day they were separated. He gently rested a hand on Itachi's shoulder.
"Itachi, I'm sorry," Sasuke began. "I never even tried to forgive you and I might never forgive you, but you are still my brother and I can't help but care for you."
Itachi looked up and Sasuke saw the tears trailing down his face. A picture of Naruto flashed in his mind and he shook his head to clear his thoughts. His brother wasn't dead he was just lost. Sasuke gently wrapped his arms around his older brother and whispered.
"I missed you Aniki."
The visit didn't last much longer, but Sasuke promised to come back and visit. The younger Uchiha had no idea that his brother had fallen so far from what he had been. The sadness in his eyes was equal to or more than what was in Sasuke's. Itachi hadn't wanted to be alone, but Sasuke had. The pain must have been much worse for his brother and Sasuke couldn't even imagine what it was like.
On his drive home his thoughts were once again filled with Naruto. Everything in life seemed to remind him of the boy. Naruto was everywhere but nowhere at the same time. Sasuke couldn't prevent the thoughts and had come to realize it was easier if he just let them run through his head. He was tired of fighting the impossible battle and now he was sitting back and trying to figure out what all these thoughts meant.
As soon as he arrived home Sasuke went straight back to his room and grabbed the journal settling down to read through the night again.
February 1, 2003
Haku is gone. He is in America now. It feels so different here without him around. I don't have anyone to criticize my clothing. Gaara is sad and misses Haku too, though he'll never admit it. I've been thinking and realized that I don't have any meaning in my life. Gaara, Haku, Iruka, Sakura, and everyone all have something that they are living for. I have figured out that I don't. It's rather hard to come to terms with something like that and have now decided that I will create meaning for my life, by living to make other people happy. I like it when other people smile and laugh, and I like it when I'm the one that causes the smiles or laughter. I hate it when other people are sad or mad because of me. I don't like making people that way, but I always do. Those families of my parents' victims are the worst, they hurt my feelings so badly. Every time I see them they glare and call me a monster or freak. I always apologize, but they never forgive me. I don't even know what I'm apologizing for I wasn't born yet. I just have always been hated, but all I want to do is make people happy. Why can't we all just be happy?
February 2, 2003
Gaara hasn't left my side since Haku left, unless he had to. He'll hug me every time I frown and smile at me whenever I look sad. I know Gaara misses Haku just as much as I do, and I wonder why he is able to make me so happy, when he is sad as well. I admit that I need the comfort Gaara is giving me, but something is still missing. It's that emptiness I feel inside me. I have felt it for as long as I can remember, it has always been with me. I want it to go away, I really need it to be filled. I wonder if the emptiness I feel is the emptiness of not having love. I don't know what it is like to be in love, but I know how to love someone. I am not in love with anyone, but I do love people. I don't really understand what love is, and if you don't either I decided to look it up in the dictionary. This is what I found:
Love noun 1: a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for and dedication to another
2a: attraction based on sexual desire
2b: a beloved person: DARLING:
3a: warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion
3b: the object of attachment or devotion
4: a score in tennis (this one made me laugh)
-In love: feeling love for and devotion
Love verb loved; loving 1: to hold dear: CHERISH
2a: to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for
2b: to touch or stroke lightly
3: to like or desire actively: take pleasure in
4: to grow well in
I read through these and realized that I have never been in love before. I have had crushes on people but they didn't mean that much nor lasted very long. Most people hate me any way so it doesn't matter if I ever did fall in love with someone, my affections and feelings wouldn't be returned. I know what hate feels like and I have experienced hate for others, but like before I decided to look it up in the dictionary.
Hate noun 1: strong dislike
2: something or someone that is hated
Hate verb hated: hating 1: to feel strong dislike toward
2a: to have a strong feeling of disgust for
2b: to find distasteful: DISLIKE
-Hater-hate one's guts: to hate someone to an extreme degree
I hate people like my old foster parents in a strong dislike way. People, who hate me, hate me in the hate one's guts way. They hate me to an extreme degree. I never knew how simple it would be for me to understand a word by only looking it up. I know still that I don't know what it feels like to be in love, but I have a better understanding. I also know what it means to hate a person, and I find that most people do hate me.
Naruto searched through the house trying to find it. Gaara and Iruka watched him with confused and amused expressions on their faces. The blonde boy was looking for something and hadn't bothered to ask either for help, so they decided to watch until Naruto realized that he needed help.
He looked in the living room, checking under the couch, behind the television, under the rug, and on the coffee table. But it wasn't there. Next he searched the kitchen, he looked in the fridge, on the table, under the sink, in the drawers, and on the counters. It was still nowhere to be found. He then checked the bathroom, but realized that it probably would never be in a bathroom.
Naruto sat down on the couch frustrated and upset. His mouth set in a pout and his head resting atop his drawn up knees. Iruka and Gaara looked at each other and nodded. They walked over and sat on either side of the blonde. The boy looked at one then the other confused at what they were doing.
"Naruto," Gaara said.
"Yes," Naruto asked looking at his brother.
"What are you looking for?" Iruka said. Naruto's gaze then went to his father.
"A dictionary."
Iruka and Gaara then looked away from the blonde trying not to smile or laugh. For you see the dictionary right in front of the blonde. They knew that the boy didn't know that it was the dictionary was the fact that it didn't say dictionary on it. Gaara reached over and picked it up handing it to the blonde.
"Here."
"What? Is this the dictionary?" Gaara nodded and Naruto blushed embarrassed.
"It's okay," Gaara said smiling a little and hugging the blonde. "People make silly mistakes all the time."
Naruto nodded his head but looked down, it was really embarrassing for him despite his brother's comforting words. Naruto then smiled and turned his face to look at Gaara.
"Thank you." Gaara just smiled and stood to leave with Iruka. Naruto sat there smiling for although Gaara hadn't realized it, Naruto's thank you was for everything. He was saying thank you for being there, thank you for understanding me, thank you for being my brother, thank you for always helping me, and most importantly thank you for loving me. Naruto knew that even though he didn't say anything Gaara would understand eventually what he had meant.
This last entry left Sasuke to ponder in fact just what love was. Naruto had explained it and yet he still didn't understand. He understood the hate however. Sasuke hated most things in life and there were only a couple things he didn't hate. He didn't hate silence, working, or solitude. Sasuke also didn't hate Naruto. This got Sasuke to thinking, if he didn't hate Naruto, how did he feel about him? What word could he use to describe the feelings that he felt when thinking of the blonde? He knew he cared for the blonde, but he didn't know how to explain what he felt. He racked his brain trying to figure out whom he could ask.
Of course, the only person who came to mind was Itachi. He sighed and accepted the fact that he would have to talk about his feelings with his brother. Sasuke sighed and could hope Itachi didn't get the wrong idea, talking about love with someone who was in love with him may not be the best idea. The Uchiha pushed those thoughts away and continued reading the journal until he fell asleep.
March 10, 2003
It's not the same without Haku here, but I have found that I still able to feel happy. Well only as long as I don't think of Haku being gone. I don't know if anyone is going to ever read this journal of mine, but if they do there is something I want to tell you. It's really important and something I have never really talked about with anyone. I hate myself. I am so ugly. I don't deserve to live. I should just die and be gone forever! Everyone would be happier with me gone. No one will miss me... That's what scares me most at night when it's completely dark and I'm swallowed by the darkness. Every time the darkness overwhelms me I don't know if I'll be alive the next day. I am so scared of death. I don't want to die and be forgotten. There is no one I can talk to this about. I don't want to worry Iruka or Gaara and Sakura and Ino aren't close enough to me. All I can do is just try to make everyone happy and hope that they don't figure out how sad I really am. I don't want them to learn of my loneliness. I am going to keep up with this happy façade. I am going to smile and laugh and hide my pain. I hate having to hide it, but I don't want people to worry and get hurt too, because of me. I don't cut myself anymore, but I also don't mind getting hurt. Many bruises cover my skin, so I have started wearing long sleeve shirts and pants all the time. I let the kids at school who hate me beat me up. I love the feeling of the pain, because when I feel the pain I know I'm still alive.
March 12, 2003
I think Gaara is getting suspicious. He keeps giving me odd looks, and asking if anything is wrong. I don't want to tell him though. He'd be so hurt. You see yesterday after school Neiji came up to me and punched me. Then he pulled me into a hug and kissed me. I was so confused, but Neiji said that they had had a fight and Gaara was already cheating on him. I can't believe Gaara would do something like that. Neiji didn't seem like the type to cheat either, especially on his boyfriend's brother! I was so mad! I pushed Neiji away but then he said something. "What you don't want to at least feel kind of loved for once in your life?" I didn't know what to say to him. How did he know? Does everyone already know? I want to find out, and I need to get Neiji and Gaara back together. They were so happy together, but then they fought because Neiji was mad that he kept blowing him off to spend time with me. I feel so guilty, I didn't mean to cause them problems. I didn't know what Gaara was doing, and now I need to solve this somehow. I need to figure out a plan.
Naruto walked out the back exit of the school that was rarely used. He didn't feel like going home just yet, in fact he didn't really feel like doing much of anything. He looked up when he heard footsteps coming towards him. A pissed off looking Neiji was walking up to him.
"Nei-agh," Naruto tried to say before the brown haired boy punched him hard in the stomach. He grabbed his abused stomach and doubled over in pain. His breathing came in irregular gasps as he tried to stand.
Neiji grabbed the blonde and pulled him tightly to his chest. Naruto looked up confused at the sudden change, but before he could say anything lips were crushed against his. The blonde was shocked and tried to struggle loose of the boy's grip but to no avail. Eventually Neiji broke for air and Naruto finally managed to push him away.
"What do you think your doing? You're going out with Gaara! My brother!"
"What you don't want to at least feel kind of loved for once in your life? Besides he's already cheating on me. We broke up."
"What?" Naruto said as Neiji walked away cursing under his breathe.
March 13, 2003
I found out whom Gaara decided to cheat on Neiji with. Kakashi Hatake, a senior at Kohona High School. I have to admit that the silver haired guy is hot, but he is a major pervert. I can't believe Gaara is with him. I talked to Neiji and apologized for taking his time that he could spend with Gaara. He also said sorry, because he knew that I had it worse off in life than he did. We are somewhat of friends now.
March 14, 2003
I JUST SAW THEM KISSING! THEY WERE EATING EACH OTHER'S FACES OFF! That was really something I didn't need to see, ever. Although it was kind of hot... I can't believe I just admitted that. I think seeing Gaara and Kakashi kiss has fried my poor brain. I was ready to smack Gaara; he is ruining his chances of getting back together with Neiji! I know he doesn't love Kakashi, but he does love Neiji. Gaara keeps asking about Neiji and spying on us when we hang out at school. Sakura and Ino don't mind him hanging with us, they say they like staring at him, because Neiji is hot. I started laughing when they said that and then they said that they didn't care if he was gay, he was still hot. I hope Gaara and Neiji make up soon.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, that one guy who's name I can't remember right now does.
The Journal
Sasuke had been reading the journal for weeks and still he wasn't even close to finishing it. When he wasn't reading it he was thinking of it, and when he was reading it he couldn't put it down. So many sleepless nights began to add up and yet he was still tormented by this longing to keep reading the journal. Naruto was so much like him in many ways, but so different. His inner turmoil kept him from functioning correctly and many times he would find himself feeling emotion and thinking.
His horrible past would sometimes reappear in his mind, when Naruto was having a pretty difficult time in the journal. He could remember his brother's cruel red eyes watching in delight as the house burned and the shrieks of pain pierced the air. The emotions he had felt that day returned, he could feel the same pain and fear coursing through his veins. The cold arms that embraced him and held him back from running back to his parents burning to death in the mansion, and the tears that had spilled down his cheeks. A cruel laugh filled his ears.
Sasuke was surprised to feel the tears running down his face. He slowly reached his hands up to his face and felt the warm tears. The shock for the Uchiha was great and he began to shake as he realized that he still cared and was hurt over what had happened. Sasuke hadn't cried since that day, and thought that he never would again. The journal had changed him already so drastically.
The Uchiha whipped the tears from his eyes and stood from his bed. He had been running from his past, but he never thought he would actually have to ever face it. He turned to look at the journal and picked it up. Thoughts ran through his head and he realized what he had to do. Throwing on some clothes he walked quickly into the hall and down the stairs. The maids and butlers who saw him were shocked to see their master actually leaving the house so abruptly. Sasuke walked out of the house to his car and began driving down the road.
As he drove he thought back to the most recent entries he had read.
December 27, 2002
I still can't believe I've had this diary for a year. So many things have happened and I don't know how to feel about them. Haku got cancer and then survived and then started going out with Zabuza. Gaara going out with Neiji, it all has changed for them. I have to wonder why my life continues to stay the same. I'm not as sad as I used to be, but I still am sad. I have stopped cutting, but the scars still remain. I still smile, but the frowns always return. It's like there is something missing inside of me. I know that I've changed, but I still feel the same.
December 29, 2002
Today, Sakura, Ino, and I are all going to go shopping. I'm kind of afraid, because last time we went, I ended up in girl's clothes. Don't even ask it's a long and scary story. Even though a lot of people still hate me for being a monster, I am a little happier with all the new people who are my friends.
January 1, 2003
I can't stop the tears. I am really happy for Haku I am, but I can't help but feel upset and angry that he is leaving me. Zabuza is moving to the United States, and Haku is going with him. Is it wrong for me to be mad and sad? I mean, I'm trying to feel happy for him, I just can't. Haku means so much to me! I ALMOST LOST HIM ONCE AND NOW IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! WHY! WHY? Why? Why Haku why? Doesn't he know what this does to me? I am so hurt and feel so sad. I keep on crying and crying. Haku may not be dieing this time, but once he leaves to America...He will be dead to me. I love Haku, but he hurts me so much. I am so ugly! I am jealous of Haku's happiness! I'm such an ugly person, I don't deserve and love or happiness! I should just die! Kill me! KILL ME! MAKE ME BLEED! I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN! I DON'T WANT THIS UGLYINESS! WHY AM I ALIVE! WHY? WHY WILL NO ONE ANSWER ME! WHY? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I WANT IT ALL TO DISSAPPEAR! I WANT TO FADE AWAY INTO BLACK AND NEVER COME BACK! EVERYTIME I FEEL HAPPY FOR REAL, SOMETHING HAPPENS AND IT ALL FALLS APART! THE HIGHER I GO THE MORE IT HURTS WHEN I FALL BACK DOWN! I HATE YOU HAKU! HATE YOU! HATE!
Tears slipped silently down the blonde boy's cheeks as he wrote in the journal. His hand was shaking and lip quivering. Every once in awhile Naruto would wipe the back of his hand across his sore, blood-shot eyes and try to clear his vision. The boy eventually began to write furiously before slamming it shut and throwing it at his wall.
Covering his face with his hands, the broken boy began to sob quietly. He was so sad and angry, but he didn't know what to do. He was confused and just wanted to be comforted and held. He was losing his best friend and brother, and he could do nothing about it. The blonde boy brought his knees to his chest and cried himself to sleep.
January 2, 2003
I don't hate Haku. I hate what he is doing to me. I'm so sad and confused now. I still want to die. Just fade away and never have to feel again. It would be so much easier that way, but I don't want to run away from my problems. They will just haunt me until I go insane. I'm going to tell Haku how I feel, and I hope he'll understand.
January 3, 2003
Haku understands. He knows how painful it is for me, because he is going through the same pain. Last night he held me until I fell asleep and this morning he told me something. "Naruto, no matter what happens, I'll always love you, Aniki. No matter where I am, I'll always be there for you. I am so sorry that I'm leaving you. I hope that one day you'll forgive me and understand why I am leaving. Remember, this isn't goodbye, because this isn't forever. We'll see each other again, don't worry, I promise we will." I will miss Haku, but I want him to be happy, so I'll wait for the day that we meet again.
Sasuke frowned as he found himself thinking of the blonde boy again. He would obsess over the blonde later, right now he had to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He pulled his car into the parking lot of a seemingly lifeless building. Not many cars graced the parking lot and Sasuke shivered at the thought of whom he was going to see.
The Uchiha took a deep shaky breath before opening the car door and walking to the entrance of the building. Inside it was completely white. He felt like the white walls of the sterile and almost empty building were swallowing him. Walking to the information desk he felt the dread building in his stomach, he knew he had to do this though. He then asked the man there.
"I am here to see my brother, Itachi Uchiha."
The man nodded and handed him directions to where his brother was kept. Sasuke walked down the empty halls of the mental asylum and felt sicker with every step he took. When he finally came upon the room his brother resided in all thought and breath left his body for a moment. Then he came to and opened the door.
Itachi Uchiha had many problems. First being he was clinically insane. He had been in the mental asylum since he was thirteen, right after his family's murder. Itachi had freaked out in the questioning room when they asked him if Sasuke had started the fire and he attacked the police officer. They quickly hauled him off to the mental asylum after the incident, but there was no evidence on who started the fire.
Another of many problems was his love for his brother. Itachi was in love with Sasuke, not in the brother way. He had wanted Sasuke when they had been younger, but Sasuke was eight and still naïve and innocent. Itachi wanted to be the one to corrupt him, but his parents figured out what Itachi was doing and was going to separate them. Itachi refused to let his parents take Sasuke away from him. This led many to believe Itachi had started the fire.
"Sa...Sasuke?"
What Sasuke saw before him wasn't the same older brother he remembered. The man before him was frowning and looked scared. His brother was always confident and stoic. This man looked ready to cry. Sure physically they looked the same, the man and his brother, but this man couldn't be Itachi.
"Itachi?" Sasuke questioned kneeling in front of the man.
"Yes," Itachi began. "It's me, and I have something I must tell you."
"What?"
"I love you Sasuke. I'm in love with you, and I have been since we were children." Itachi looked down ashamed. "I loved you so much that I killed our parents so I wouldn't lose you. I'm so sorry Sasuke; I know you'll never forgive me. I know you hate me, and that you'll never have and never will love me."
Sasuke looked at his broken brother and couldn't feel the hate he had once felt before. He didn't fear his brother like when they were younger. Sasuke could only feel pity, for the brother he had once had. The Itachi he had known had died the day they were separated. He gently rested a hand on Itachi's shoulder.
"Itachi, I'm sorry," Sasuke began. "I never even tried to forgive you and I might never forgive you, but you are still my brother and I can't help but care for you."
Itachi looked up and Sasuke saw the tears trailing down his face. A picture of Naruto flashed in his mind and he shook his head to clear his thoughts. His brother wasn't dead he was just lost. Sasuke gently wrapped his arms around his older brother and whispered.
"I missed you Aniki."
The visit didn't last much longer, but Sasuke promised to come back and visit. The younger Uchiha had no idea that his brother had fallen so far from what he had been. The sadness in his eyes was equal to or more than what was in Sasuke's. Itachi hadn't wanted to be alone, but Sasuke had. The pain must have been much worse for his brother and Sasuke couldn't even imagine what it was like.
On his drive home his thoughts were once again filled with Naruto. Everything in life seemed to remind him of the boy. Naruto was everywhere but nowhere at the same time. Sasuke couldn't prevent the thoughts and had come to realize it was easier if he just let them run through his head. He was tired of fighting the impossible battle and now he was sitting back and trying to figure out what all these thoughts meant.
As soon as he arrived home Sasuke went straight back to his room and grabbed the journal settling down to read through the night again.
February 1, 2003
Haku is gone. He is in America now. It feels so different here without him around. I don't have anyone to criticize my clothing. Gaara is sad and misses Haku too, though he'll never admit it. I've been thinking and realized that I don't have any meaning in my life. Gaara, Haku, Iruka, Sakura, and everyone all have something that they are living for. I have figured out that I don't. It's rather hard to come to terms with something like that and have now decided that I will create meaning for my life, by living to make other people happy. I like it when other people smile and laugh, and I like it when I'm the one that causes the smiles or laughter. I hate it when other people are sad or mad because of me. I don't like making people that way, but I always do. Those families of my parents' victims are the worst, they hurt my feelings so badly. Every time I see them they glare and call me a monster or freak. I always apologize, but they never forgive me. I don't even know what I'm apologizing for I wasn't born yet. I just have always been hated, but all I want to do is make people happy. Why can't we all just be happy?
February 2, 2003
Gaara hasn't left my side since Haku left, unless he had to. He'll hug me every time I frown and smile at me whenever I look sad. I know Gaara misses Haku just as much as I do, and I wonder why he is able to make me so happy, when he is sad as well. I admit that I need the comfort Gaara is giving me, but something is still missing. It's that emptiness I feel inside me. I have felt it for as long as I can remember, it has always been with me. I want it to go away, I really need it to be filled. I wonder if the emptiness I feel is the emptiness of not having love. I don't know what it is like to be in love, but I know how to love someone. I am not in love with anyone, but I do love people. I don't really understand what love is, and if you don't either I decided to look it up in the dictionary. This is what I found:
Love noun 1: a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for and dedication to another
2a: attraction based on sexual desire
2b: a beloved person: DARLING:
3a: warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion
3b: the object of attachment or devotion
4: a score in tennis (this one made me laugh)
-In love: feeling love for and devotion
Love verb loved; loving 1: to hold dear: CHERISH
2a: to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for
2b: to touch or stroke lightly
3: to like or desire actively: take pleasure in
4: to grow well in
I read through these and realized that I have never been in love before. I have had crushes on people but they didn't mean that much nor lasted very long. Most people hate me any way so it doesn't matter if I ever did fall in love with someone, my affections and feelings wouldn't be returned. I know what hate feels like and I have experienced hate for others, but like before I decided to look it up in the dictionary.
Hate noun 1: strong dislike
2: something or someone that is hated
Hate verb hated: hating 1: to feel strong dislike toward
2a: to have a strong feeling of disgust for
2b: to find distasteful: DISLIKE
-Hater-hate one's guts: to hate someone to an extreme degree
I hate people like my old foster parents in a strong dislike way. People, who hate me, hate me in the hate one's guts way. They hate me to an extreme degree. I never knew how simple it would be for me to understand a word by only looking it up. I know still that I don't know what it feels like to be in love, but I have a better understanding. I also know what it means to hate a person, and I find that most people do hate me.
Naruto searched through the house trying to find it. Gaara and Iruka watched him with confused and amused expressions on their faces. The blonde boy was looking for something and hadn't bothered to ask either for help, so they decided to watch until Naruto realized that he needed help.
He looked in the living room, checking under the couch, behind the television, under the rug, and on the coffee table. But it wasn't there. Next he searched the kitchen, he looked in the fridge, on the table, under the sink, in the drawers, and on the counters. It was still nowhere to be found. He then checked the bathroom, but realized that it probably would never be in a bathroom.
Naruto sat down on the couch frustrated and upset. His mouth set in a pout and his head resting atop his drawn up knees. Iruka and Gaara looked at each other and nodded. They walked over and sat on either side of the blonde. The boy looked at one then the other confused at what they were doing.
"Naruto," Gaara said.
"Yes," Naruto asked looking at his brother.
"What are you looking for?" Iruka said. Naruto's gaze then went to his father.
"A dictionary."
Iruka and Gaara then looked away from the blonde trying not to smile or laugh. For you see the dictionary right in front of the blonde. They knew that the boy didn't know that it was the dictionary was the fact that it didn't say dictionary on it. Gaara reached over and picked it up handing it to the blonde.
"Here."
"What? Is this the dictionary?" Gaara nodded and Naruto blushed embarrassed.
"It's okay," Gaara said smiling a little and hugging the blonde. "People make silly mistakes all the time."
Naruto nodded his head but looked down, it was really embarrassing for him despite his brother's comforting words. Naruto then smiled and turned his face to look at Gaara.
"Thank you." Gaara just smiled and stood to leave with Iruka. Naruto sat there smiling for although Gaara hadn't realized it, Naruto's thank you was for everything. He was saying thank you for being there, thank you for understanding me, thank you for being my brother, thank you for always helping me, and most importantly thank you for loving me. Naruto knew that even though he didn't say anything Gaara would understand eventually what he had meant.
This last entry left Sasuke to ponder in fact just what love was. Naruto had explained it and yet he still didn't understand. He understood the hate however. Sasuke hated most things in life and there were only a couple things he didn't hate. He didn't hate silence, working, or solitude. Sasuke also didn't hate Naruto. This got Sasuke to thinking, if he didn't hate Naruto, how did he feel about him? What word could he use to describe the feelings that he felt when thinking of the blonde? He knew he cared for the blonde, but he didn't know how to explain what he felt. He racked his brain trying to figure out whom he could ask.
Of course, the only person who came to mind was Itachi. He sighed and accepted the fact that he would have to talk about his feelings with his brother. Sasuke sighed and could hope Itachi didn't get the wrong idea, talking about love with someone who was in love with him may not be the best idea. The Uchiha pushed those thoughts away and continued reading the journal until he fell asleep.
March 10, 2003
It's not the same without Haku here, but I have found that I still able to feel happy. Well only as long as I don't think of Haku being gone. I don't know if anyone is going to ever read this journal of mine, but if they do there is something I want to tell you. It's really important and something I have never really talked about with anyone. I hate myself. I am so ugly. I don't deserve to live. I should just die and be gone forever! Everyone would be happier with me gone. No one will miss me... That's what scares me most at night when it's completely dark and I'm swallowed by the darkness. Every time the darkness overwhelms me I don't know if I'll be alive the next day. I am so scared of death. I don't want to die and be forgotten. There is no one I can talk to this about. I don't want to worry Iruka or Gaara and Sakura and Ino aren't close enough to me. All I can do is just try to make everyone happy and hope that they don't figure out how sad I really am. I don't want them to learn of my loneliness. I am going to keep up with this happy façade. I am going to smile and laugh and hide my pain. I hate having to hide it, but I don't want people to worry and get hurt too, because of me. I don't cut myself anymore, but I also don't mind getting hurt. Many bruises cover my skin, so I have started wearing long sleeve shirts and pants all the time. I let the kids at school who hate me beat me up. I love the feeling of the pain, because when I feel the pain I know I'm still alive.
March 12, 2003
I think Gaara is getting suspicious. He keeps giving me odd looks, and asking if anything is wrong. I don't want to tell him though. He'd be so hurt. You see yesterday after school Neiji came up to me and punched me. Then he pulled me into a hug and kissed me. I was so confused, but Neiji said that they had had a fight and Gaara was already cheating on him. I can't believe Gaara would do something like that. Neiji didn't seem like the type to cheat either, especially on his boyfriend's brother! I was so mad! I pushed Neiji away but then he said something. "What you don't want to at least feel kind of loved for once in your life?" I didn't know what to say to him. How did he know? Does everyone already know? I want to find out, and I need to get Neiji and Gaara back together. They were so happy together, but then they fought because Neiji was mad that he kept blowing him off to spend time with me. I feel so guilty, I didn't mean to cause them problems. I didn't know what Gaara was doing, and now I need to solve this somehow. I need to figure out a plan.
Naruto walked out the back exit of the school that was rarely used. He didn't feel like going home just yet, in fact he didn't really feel like doing much of anything. He looked up when he heard footsteps coming towards him. A pissed off looking Neiji was walking up to him.
"Nei-agh," Naruto tried to say before the brown haired boy punched him hard in the stomach. He grabbed his abused stomach and doubled over in pain. His breathing came in irregular gasps as he tried to stand.
Neiji grabbed the blonde and pulled him tightly to his chest. Naruto looked up confused at the sudden change, but before he could say anything lips were crushed against his. The blonde was shocked and tried to struggle loose of the boy's grip but to no avail. Eventually Neiji broke for air and Naruto finally managed to push him away.
"What do you think your doing? You're going out with Gaara! My brother!"
"What you don't want to at least feel kind of loved for once in your life? Besides he's already cheating on me. We broke up."
"What?" Naruto said as Neiji walked away cursing under his breathe.
March 13, 2003
I found out whom Gaara decided to cheat on Neiji with. Kakashi Hatake, a senior at Kohona High School. I have to admit that the silver haired guy is hot, but he is a major pervert. I can't believe Gaara is with him. I talked to Neiji and apologized for taking his time that he could spend with Gaara. He also said sorry, because he knew that I had it worse off in life than he did. We are somewhat of friends now.
March 14, 2003
I JUST SAW THEM KISSING! THEY WERE EATING EACH OTHER'S FACES OFF! That was really something I didn't need to see, ever. Although it was kind of hot... I can't believe I just admitted that. I think seeing Gaara and Kakashi kiss has fried my poor brain. I was ready to smack Gaara; he is ruining his chances of getting back together with Neiji! I know he doesn't love Kakashi, but he does love Neiji. Gaara keeps asking about Neiji and spying on us when we hang out at school. Sakura and Ino don't mind him hanging with us, they say they like staring at him, because Neiji is hot. I started laughing when they said that and then they said that they didn't care if he was gay, he was still hot. I hope Gaara and Neiji make up soon.
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