FicWad

Bongo did not like the intercom on his desk. It sat there, square and squat, and smirked at him. He knew it did, the smug electronic bastard. It knew him, and it knew the power it had over him. It was just biding its time, waiting for him to relax - even, god forbid, enjoy himself. And then it would pounce. It would buzz, ushering in some godawful problem that he had no clue how to solve but was expected to deal with anyway.

It buzzed.

Bongo put down his trashy novel (the cover replaced with a cover torn from the Space Corps Directives manual) and sighed. He winced as he pushed the button that would connect him with his infuriatingly pleasant secretary.

"Yes, Mellie?"

Mellie's smooth-as-butter tones floated through the intercom. "Corporal Hargrave of Titan Base is on line 2, sir."

"Well, find out what he wants, and take care of it." What good is a staff, he groused internally, if they don't do your job for you?

"It's about Ace, sir."

Bongo groaned. Ace was his ticket to redemption and promotion - but was also a damnable headache. It was not simply his general disregard for authority and tendency towards maverick action. Ace never did anything, not even wiping his ass, without a lofty and noble reason, and nobody was better at soothing any feathers he might ruffle in the process than Ace himself. No, the annoying situations that Bongo had to deal with tended more towards... He sighed.

"Put him through."

Bongo picked up the phone on his desk. "Hargrave?"

"Bongo!" the voice on the other end said with false cheeriness. "How's the wife?"

"How would I know? What's the story, Hargrave?"

A sigh hissed through the receiver. "You know that Captain Rimmer is here on a drive-test mission?" Of course he knew. Half of his staff had requested vacation time on Titan this week. "We caught a lower-echelon officer, a certain," the sound of paper rustling was faintly audible, "Ensign Sloaken, attempting to scale the wall outside of Captain Rimmer's temporary quarters. She had tropical fruit basket, a bottle of cologne, a one-liter bottle of Astroglide, and a camcorder. The guards brought her in for questioning, and she said that it was part of a research experiment currently being conducted at your experimental facility. Can you confirm or deny?"

"Yes, I can confirm that there is no bl... hold on, Hargrave - please tell me Ace is already on his way back."

"No, sir; he heard the hullabaloo last night, and wanted to make sure that the officer in question was being treated fairly. He's here as well, actually, if you would like to sp..."

"Hargrave! Get him out of there, now!"

The sounds of a disturbance came over the phone. Bongo rested his elbow on the table and started to knead his forehead with his fingertips.

"Ah, sir... Ensign Sloaken seems to have, er, grabbed Ace by his... great Scott, I think that should hurt... Wait! I say! You can't do that in here! I could get in trouble - and that's absolutely not hygenic!"

"Hargrave, just get Ace back here. Turn a hose on them or something."

"Ah, Bongo... Are you sure Sloaken is not involved in a medical experiment? I seem to be contracting her symptoms. I'm having the urge to throw her out of the room and take over."

"It's Ace," Bongo grated; "he has that effect. He's been known to make even confirmed heterosexuals very interested. Look - just put them both in a cargo transport and ship them freight. We'll deal with it over here."

"Yes, sir!" Hargrave cut the connection.

Bongo hung up, as well, and stabbed the evil intercom's Call button savagely. "Mellie!"

"Yes?"

"Tell Spanners that Ace is coming on the next freight transport. He'll know what to do."

He cut the connection and picked his book back up. Thank God for Spanners. Yes, he always knew what to do.