FicWad

The Ace business - Rimmer had to admit to himself that it was not bad. No, not at all. He might look like a schmuck, but nobody seemed to notice; men admired him, women loved him. He had more sex on an average night than he had managed in his entire lifetime. Certainly, doing the right thing instead of the sensible thing took some getting used to. But after the first time in the AR machine, the learning curve had been steep, and it became easier with each mission. Not that he didn't have a step back now and then, when he squeaked and ran instead of being heroic, but they were becoming increasingly rare. Positive reinforcement, when delivered in the form of shy maidens with dew-like eyes and gentle mouths, the latter capable of all kinds of interesting things, was a powerful motivator.

What do you know, he thought; the git was right.

"What's next, Computer?" He was even getting the hang of the voice.

"Dimension 875/C7," replied the Computer, in sultry tones. He wondered about her. Hell, she was an electronic lifeform; they should be able to interface, somehow, shouldn't they? But he had not yet had the nerve to bring it up. "We will be at the ship in forty-eight minutes."

"Ship, eh?" Rimmer asked. "Some stranded, nubile maiden?"

"No," said the Computer, her voice almost obstinately sexy. "An alternate Red Dwarf, with an alternate Lister, Cat, and Kryten. Lister is missing something."

"Another smegging Red Dwarf?" Rimmer squeaked. "With a smegging Lister missing... something? A lager can? A cigarette? He's missed many baths, I'm sure, but it would be beyond even a space hero to reunite them!"

"Ace, enjoy these milk-runs you've been having while you can," the Computer said, her voice still sensual. Milk-runs? Rimmer thought, with incredulity. "We have to graduate you to important missions soon, for the good of the universe. Make ready for shipfall," she purred, doggedly. "They've never met Ace before, so you'll have to explain yourself."

"Right," Rimmer muttered, feeling sullen.


If Rimmer were honest with himself, he would have to admit that the Red Dwarf in this universe was a cut above the one in his own. The corridors that an enthusiastic Kryten led him along were bright and sparkling clean, painted colors that were soothing to the eye rather than a dull, mind-numbing grey. Kryten himself was a study in shimmering gold, and the Lister that awaited at the control center was as neatly turned out as Rimmer had been, but with an ease to his manner that set off the neatness far better than Rimmer's uncomfortable stiffness had.

But Rimmer felt no need to be honest with himself when it involved saying anything positive about smegging Lister, and so he felt superior and acted grand. Cat was grooming in a corner, immaculate as always, but he seemed impressed with, rather than disgusted by, Rimmer. All three of them, actually, deferred to Rimmer with suspiciously excessive enthusiasm, and Rimmer basked in it - although a part of him wondered if it were all the buildup to some massive jape, and stayed wary.

"Well, fellahs," Rimmer said, grandly, after Cat had asked him searching questions about the seam-work on his flight-suit, "great to meet all you chaps, it really is. Top-notch, all of you." Rimmer had found that flattery was a very useful tool - the less it was deserved, the more useful it was. "But I think this fellow," he gingerly clapped Lister on the shoulder, "has something he'd like a hand with."

Lister's face fell - very slightly. "Yep, that's right. I don't know how you know that, man, but - yeah." Cat and Kryten sobered, as well. "I'm a hologram. I was brought back to keep Kochanski sane. She was in stasis; she survived the blast. She was taking the blame for me; I tried to smuggle a cat on board." Lister rubbed the H on his forehead, sighing deeply. Rimmer knew that name. Smegging Kochanski; Lister dated her for three weeks, and on the basis of that, fell deeply and stupidly in love with her. Goit. Lister continued. "In some ways, my death was the best thing that happened to me. We were forced together, yes, and it wasn't easy - but I loved her, I did, and so I let her... mold me." Rimmer quickly stifled a condescending snort. "She taught me to talk better, dress better, enjoy the cultural..." Lister waved his hand vaguely, "things she enjoyed. I had loved her before, but man," Lister shook his head, his lip quivering, "I loved her so much more afterwards."

Kryten quickly ran forwards with a tissue he had pulled from somewhere. Lister blew his nose on it noisily. "Well, never mind all of that." He checked the tissue, folded it, and drew himself up. "We found a dimensional tear, and met alternate versions of ourselves. Kochanski ended up with them after a GELF attack destroyed the linkway, but we found her again. As we were taking her back home with us, though, she..." Lister blew his nose into the tissue again, checked it, and continued, heaving a deep sigh. "She ran back to the other Lister." Some bitterness seeped into his voice. "She fell into a tear in the linkway. I don't know if she died or not!" Kryten patted Lister gently on the shoulder, and Lister heaved a heavy, slightly phlegm-y sigh. "That's all, man. I wish I could just find that alternate universe again. Find out if she made it, or if she's... dead. Ya know, it'd be fine even if she wanted that other Lister, and wanted to stay with him. I just want... to know." Lister looked up at Rimmer, his brown eyes glistening.

Rimmer heaved a heavy sigh. He could not give less of a smeg about some alternate Lister and his alternate smegging Kochanski. But the Computer would not be happy if he just turned and left. He was never quite sure how far to push her; she had not been pleased the times he had run, he could tell, and this mission - well, there was nothing dangerous about it, nothing at all. He had no reason to turn tail.

"Righto," Rimmer said, scratching his chin. He realized that did not look manly, and so stuck his hand on his hip. Too froufrou! He crossed his arms. Yes, that was appropriately macho. "Tell you what. I have a hell of a Computer on my ship. Let's see if she can figure out where that dimension is. I'll give you a lift, and we can discover the fate of your lovely lady."

"Thanks, man." Rimmer had expected Lister to be excited, but he seemed melancholy instead. Ungrateful twonk. "I appreciate it, really, I do. I just want to know."

"I'll pack your things, sir!" Kryten said, trotting off to do just that.

"I won't," Cat said, then walked over to Lister. "Hey, good luck, bud. I hope she's not dead, even if it does mean she's shacked up with some better-hung Lister from another dimension."

"Thanks, Cat," Lister muttered. He walked over to Rimmer, and suddenly enfolded him in a hug. Rimmer tried to jump out of his skin.

"Er, nothing... no problem, none at all," Rimmer muttered, pushing at Lister.

Lister pulled back, leaving Rimmer with a last gentle clap on the shoulder. "You're a good man, Ace. A really good man. You're... I can't tell you how grateful I am." He sighed. "What a guy."

Holly's blonde head suddenly popped up on the screen, looking as daft as the Holly Rimmer remembered. "'Ere, whot's happened?"

"This shiny dude has a spaceship that can cross dimensions, and he's going to take Lister off to see if Kochanski's dead or if she's happy to be gone," Cat replied.

"Oh, as long as it isn't important," she said, popping back off.