FicWad

Axl

Yeah, I saw him with the girl. I saw a glimpse of a guy I knew a very long time ago. A person that I basically thought was gone, or at least heavily shielded by smack. But watching him with that girl...well I know he still has some compassion left in that barely beating heart of his. Maybe he wasn't completely gone yet. But I'm not optimistic at what this current path will bring him. Its a dead end street. A one way. And in the end Izzy ends up in a pine box.

I came down here to find Izzy. I just had to see him after last night. When he was standing at the top of those stairs with Tommy pounding away behind him I almost fucking lost it. But then our eyes met. From downstairs I could see him crying. I could see the pain in his eyes, both mental and physical. When he flipped me off it looked like he was about to crumble into ash. He only did it to get back at me. Just a clever ploy to show me how in control he was.

Izzy and I had always had dominate personalities. However I'm more in your face and Izzy is more behind your back. I was like police sirens and ambulances, loud, bright, and distracting. Izzy was like a black widow spider, beautiful. Then it seduces the male, busts a nut and then eats the motherfucker. Izzy had being subtile down to a unique art form. Plus Izzy never takes anything lying down, he's a fighter and survivor, and street smart like you wouldn't fucking believe. You could dump Izzy naked in the middle of some city he's never been to and the fucker would find a way to get whatever he needed. One thing about Izzy, when he's made up his mind, that's fucking that. He was damn well going to make sure I felt his pain.

What should I even say to him? What the fuck was there left to say? I'm sorry you choose dope over us? I'm sorry you think I'm being a dick? No. That would never do because we are way past I'm sorry. Sorry couldn't fix any of our problems any more than confession and prayer could save our souls. Sorry couldn't undo the damage we had done to one another. I guess the better question would be, what could fix us? Is that even a possibility now? Or was it too late?

My thoughts drift off to Erin. She made me feel 16 again. Like I was with Izzy, my Izzy. When I was with her the pain just didn't cut as deep. She made me feel safe. She made me smile and for a short time forget all about Izzy. Not being able to feel Izzy festering inside of me was exactly what I had needed. It was an addictive feeling that I wanted more of.When I walked her home I didn't want to leave. And when I kissed her goodnight I didn't want to stop.

I stand back in the shadows until the girl is out of sight. Izzy leans back into the wall with a sigh and fishes a cigarette from his pocket. He lights it and reclines his head back on the bricks. He closes his eyes for a moment letting the shit sink in and trying to shake it off all at the same time. He exhales and runs his hand over his face. His eyes open and he fixes his sight on nothing and just stares blankly, but deeply in thought. I for a split second want to just turn around and walk away. But I'm not without compassion. He was hurting. I didn't want him to hurt, honestly.

I shove my hands into my pockets and look down as I emerge from the shadows. Izzy sees me and drags from his cigarette. "Come to bust my other fucking lip?" He huffs, "Or you looking to score for old times sake?"
I just look at him and shake my head no. I literally watch as the weight of the world crashes down on his shoulders. Yeah, I know I'm the one that put it there. But he had done it to me too.

"Then what the fuck do you want?" He impatiently exhales as his eyes scan up and down the alley.

"I...I just wanted to make sure you were ok," I stammer.

He smirks slightly and shakes his head, "Yeah, I bet." He is in full on defensive mode. I can smell the liquor on his breath from here. In his hairline I see a light sweat from a quickly fading fix. His eyes look like a spun off raccoon or something.

"Seriously Izz, I didn't come down here to fight with you. I just wanted to talk," I explain as my eyes flutter, wanting to look at him but too afraid of what I see lurking just behind his black eyes.

"What the fuck could there possibly be to talk about?" He questions in an agitated tone. "Planning on telling me all about your new fucking girlfriend? We supposed to kiss and make up? Or is this where you oh so delicately inform me of exactly what I fucking am again?"

He's drunk. I hated to try to talk to him when he was like this. Alcohol made him such a fucking asshole. "No," I shake my head, "like I said, I just wanted to make sure you were ok after last night."

"Why wouldn't I be? I'm the one who got laid. Bet you didn't even get to second base did ya? We know I did," he gives me a sideways smirk and a knife in the fucking chest. "But then you always did like to watch me cum."

I draw in a deep breath, determined to not loose my cool. "Well from where I was standing you didn't look like you were having much fun to me. But I must commend you on your acting skills, you put on one hell of a convincing show. I'm sure it worked just fine on Tommy and whoever else was watching. But did you really think I wouldn't see what you were doing?"

"Not everything is about you," he sighs and leans back into the wall smoking his cigarette.

"But that shit with Tommy was," I say softly and will my eyes to look into his. "He was hurting you Izzy, you just didn't care because you knew you were hurting me. You were so blinded by revenge that you let him fuck you like you were some fucking whore off Sunset. Yeah Izzy, it hurt me, but who's the one limping today?"
Izzy's eyes narrow at me as he thumps his cigarette at me, "Fuck off to your new girlfriend, and work on rounding second," he seethes at me.

"Shes not my girlfriend," I say as I shake the burning embers from my chest.

"What, yet?" he rolls his eyes. "Man, just leave me the fuck alone."

"Why dont you ask me Izzy?"

"Ask you fucking what?" He questions in an exasperated sigh staring up at the black sky.

"What it is I see in Erin."

"Remind me again why I give a fuck," he almost growls.

I smirk, "Well you almost got into a fucking fist fight with her last night...I think you just might care a little bit."

"We've got no ties anymore...remember? I could honestly give a fuck less what you see in some chick. Not like we're going to discuss how shit's progressing with her over a fucking beer."

"I'd like it if we could, you are my best friend."

He shakes his head, "No you just want to rub the shit in."

"She makes me feel the way you used to. Like when Id climb through your window at night all bruised and bloody and you'd hold me and make it all go away."

Izzy stares back up into the sky and I can see him fighting off tears. "Thanks for smearing shit in my face Axe."

. "Izzy...don't hate me for falling with for someone who reminds me of something I once loved."

A tear rolls from the corner of his eye and he quickly wipes it away with a sniffle, "Now I've been reduced to just 'something' huh?"

"Izzy...you know you're more than that. We're in the same fucking band. You know this is it Izzy. This is the band we always dreamed of. I'm willing to fight for it and so are you too. We have to at least try to be civil."I do my best to reason with him but at this point I don't think he's listening. I don't think he's even here at all. It's like he's tranced himself in some day dream. A daydream that takes him from the reality of a situation he doesn't want to deal with. One of his many fucked up coping skills.

Izzy's head slightly drops as he whispers, "I miss you Axe."

And with that the little fucker brings tears to my eyes. Dear god I missed him too. But it would be foolish of me to just undo all that had been done. As much as I hated it all it was doing something to Izzy. Eventually he had to hit the bottom. You can't come up until you reach the bottom. If I took him back right now at this moment nothing would fucking change. I couldn't keep repeating this insanity!

I wipe away a tear and nod, "I know you do Izz, I miss you too."

"Do you?" He asks as his eyes dart to Axl's. He seems so hopeful.

"Yes," I nod. Izzy takes a step closer to me trying to take me in his arms. I throw my hands up and stiffen. "No Izzy." More tears are about to roll down my cheeks.

Izzy's eyebrows furrow as he looks at me. His thumb brushes away a tear from my cheek. He stares at me in silence for what feels like for fucking ever. He's realizing that this isn't a make up. He slightly huffs and lets his eyes fall to the ground.

"Oh I get it," he says faintly, "Im still just a fucking junkie, right?"

Well at least one important fact was becoming fucking clear to him. "I said I didn't want to fight with you Izzy," I sigh.

"This isn't fighting, believe me," he cuts his glare over at me and I feel a shot of heat race through me. He's looking at me the same way he did at Nikki's party last night. Like he's ready to roll me down one side of this alley and back up the other.

"Would you fucking feel better if I let you just fucking hit me?" I ask.

"I've never tried to make it a habit of hitting you," his glare softens. "That was always your thing, never mine."

"Really Isbell? You're going to stand there and pretend you've never fucking hit me?" I raise an eyebrow at him. "Are you believing that lie yet Because I fucking remember a slightly different Izzy than you do apparently!" I shout at him. Fuck me, was this the kind of shit he told the guys? That I was some abusive basket case? "Yeah, seems to me I remember Being thrown around a few fucking times for trying to monitor your smack intake! And let's not forget all the fucking times you got so drunk you had no business shooting up, and when I tried to stop you..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Izzy yells at me as his hand clamps around my throat. His completely black eyes are capsized in rage. It's a rage I have seen before.Its one that I know is directed solely at me. I struggle to breathe as I can see nothing but the vacant anger in his eyes. His teeth clench together behind a snarl and soon I feel my back hitting the wall as he shoves me away. He looks down in a brief moment of remorse. He clenches fists fulls of his hair and struggles to hold himself together. "Get the fuck out of here Axl," he says as he turns his back to me and stares at a brick wall.

"Izzy..." I say as I rub at my throat.

"Save it," he holds his hand up, "There's nothing fucking left to say...just go."