FicWad

Axl

I sit in silence there on mine and Izzy's bed. My sedated eyes glance down as I run my hand over the white leather jacket that lays in my lap. I visited this jacket in the window at the store for months. I never said to the guys that I wanted it or anything. But somehow Duff knew. He made it a stipulation to all the other things he demanded before he and the kid...It was a very selfless act and it really made me respect Duff for it.

But it also made me feel like fucking dog shit. That night when those Avi guys showed up, I knew they would try something on Duff, and I had wanted to be malicious like that because of my stupid jealous pride. But I never thought they would do to him what they did. I wouldn't have sent him had I known. Izzy and I would have went. But I sent him and... Then there was what I had to do with the kid. Duff should hate me. But he thought enough of me to see to it that I got this jacket. Yeah, I felt pretty fucking low.

I had even hurt the one person on this earth who could love me. Izzy say's he's fine, but I know him better than that. Izzy had always been my protector, this bands protector. Truly our Dark Angel who always made everything right. But he couldn't save Duff that night. He tried so hard to tell me not to send Duff. But I was so mad at him for fucking Tommy for a second time. I was so mad and I made him leave and I threw Duff to the wolves. Then I proceeded to get rape charges pressed on me and the kid.

I turn my head to look at Izzy on the other side of the bed. His new guitar is stretched out between us and his head is slowly starting to droop. It's smack again. He's doing so much more. Possibly more than ever. I guess he probably feels about like I do. I haven't given him any shit for it. He plays when he needs to. He does everything I need him to. He's entitle I suppose in killing this guilt. I mean I was staying loaded too. The whole band was. We all had guilt, shame, pains, and regrets to try to put behind us.

A tear falls from my eye and splats onto the leather jacket. I wipe it away and stand up to go hang it back in the closet. I return and stand at the side of the bed where Izzy nods. I run my hand over his cheek.

"Wake up my dark Angel."

He lifts his head and looks at me with his heroin inebriated eyes. "Mmmm, you ok darlin?" He mumbles.

I shake my head no.

Izzy sits up and reaches for a cigarette. "Wanna talk about it?"

I sit next to him with my hands in my lap. "I've become some monster," I shake my head.

"I don't see any humps or claws or fur or any shit," he drags from his cigarette as he looks at me.

A tear rolls down my cheek. "I'm serious Izz. I did some horrible things to Duff and Slash."

"They understand it was just for the band Fireball. They aren't even mad at you." He reaches over to ash his cigarette.

"They should be...and then there's what I've done to you..."

"Axe," he cuts me off, "The shit's over. We're both right here."

"I love you Izzy. I mean it. I've never loved anyone but you. I don't see how I could ever love anyone else. I'm so fucking sorry for everything I've done to us. I've caused you so much pain. How...how can you even still be here with me after everything I did?"

He faintly smiles, "Cause you're my Fireball and life without just ain't what I want. A part of you lives inside me. A part that can't ever leave. You're everything to me Axe. Nothing means more to me than you. All that time without you felt like I was just slowly dying. It didn't get easier as the days passed, it got harder because half my heart was gone. My body was just slowly wasting away without you...not to mention my sanity."

I look into his dilated pupils. "I would die for you Izz."

He nods with a glimmer of a smile, "I would do the same."

"I miss the way we used to treat each other. The way we cuddled and held hands watching Murder She Wrote. I miss the sweet kisses in those Indiana summer storms. I miss seeing forever in your eyes. I miss the poems I used to write you. The way you used to come up behind me and kiss my shoulder. I miss the way we used to make each other laugh. The way we always knew exactly what the other was thinking...what happened to us Izz? When did it all start to fall apart?"

Izzy snuffs out his cigarette and turns to face me but his eyes shift to the floor. "Having to watch each other suck off and fuck other people to achieve a dream made parts of us close down darlin. They had to to be able to do that shit. We just got desensitized to shit is all. We had to. But hopefully that shit is over soon and we can find our way back to that."

"Do you even still want me?" I ask as another tear falls.

He wipes it away, "I told you I cant live without half a heart."

"Can you ever forgive me?" I whisper as more tears fall.

Izzy strokes them away one by one, "I never had any feelings toward you that required forgiveness. I love you. Dont you get that? I'll never leave you, no matter what a dick you are sometimes."

"I don't deserve you," I softly shake my head.

"Come on now, I'm the drug dealing, junkie, arsonist, pimp, thief...you're the preachers son...Think you got that deserving part backwards." He takes my hand and brings it to his lips for a gently kiss. "You will never get rid of me Axe. I'm in this forever. You and me...forever. Even our presumed girlfriends aside, it's always going to be just you and me in each other's hearts."

Izzy hadn't talked to me like this in years. I was surprised on heroin he still could. But something in his words comforted and reassured me. Izzy and I belonged to one another. But what about our band? Could they stick it out through these tough times? Or were they just glass waiting to shatter? I couldn't let that happen.