Categories > Comics > Spider-Man

Cast Off

by Pearsforgranite 0 reviews

Peter just wants to stay under the radar - avoiding attention and complete embarrassment. Unfortunately, between Flash and the Hulk, that just isn't a wish that's getting granted.

Category: Spider-Man - Rating: G - Genres: Crossover,Humor - Characters: Peter Parker - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2017-10-24 - 4465 words - Complete

"Is this actually happening or are we actually having a communal stroke as a team?" Tony questioned the ridiculous scene before him and the rest of the Avengers.

Sam replied, sounding faint and incredulous, "No, it's actually happening. This is real life."

"I should probably pinch Barton, just to be sure though, right?...OW!" Tony rubbed his arm where Clint had reached over and punched him.

"There. Proof you're not dreaming or stroking out."

"So then what exactly am I looking at right now?"

Silence met Tony's question. Nobody on the team knew how to adequately explain so they all just continued to stand inside the training room's entryway and watch.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor like a toddler was the Hulk patiently learning how to arm-knit using reinforced webbing supplied by Peter. By binding several strands of non-sticky webbing together, Peter was able to produce a thread thick enough for the Hulk to navigate into a pretty decent scarf.

"Awesome, man! This is gonna look so great!" Peter encouraged as he stood beside the Hulk, directing him through a simple knit and purl technique.

The Hulk just grumbled, but it was obvious he was thoroughly enjoying himself. He clearly had a soft spot for the youngest Avenger, even allowing him to climb up on his legs to help him correct a mistake.

"No, like this." Peter slowly showed him the over-under pattern again, guiding his hands through the motions.

Peter couldn't believe this was his life right now. He had been training by himself (okay, so maybe just taking videos of himself doing really cool parkour and sending them to Ned) when all of a sudden the Hulk busted through the doors, roaring his head off.

Peter and Bruce got along really well. He couldn't be 100%, but he was pretty sure Bruce actually liked it when he hung around the labs soaking up everything like a sponge. He'd met the Hulk a few times – they got along in battle really well, but never had the Hulk been alone with just Peter and definitely never when he'd been out of the suit.

Peter had been dangling upside down on the ceiling when the Hulk spotted him. He had made to charge Peter and probably rip him off the ceiling, but stopped as soon as Peter started frantically waving his arms and spoke.

"Big Green! Hey! It's me – Spiderman! No smashy! Please, god, no smashy!"

"Spider?" Hulk's vocabulary was limited and each word was kinda garbled, but he got his point across more often than not. He knew Bruce really liked the little spider and Hulk himself thought he was a lot of fun during a battle – always webbing bad guys towards him to smash. He didn't recognize him without the red and blue skin though, but he knew that voice.

"Yeah, yeah, that's right! It's me – Spiderman! I'm just not in my normal suit is all, but it's still me – Peter! See!" He proceeded to web himself across the room before flipping down and landing in front of Hulk.

"Spider!" Never one to shy away from displaying his rare affection, he grabbed Peter "Oof!" and carted him off to sit in corner of the room which had a bunch of padding on the floor. He plopped down and proceeded to hold him in a weird combination of death choke and cuddle. Three minutes in and Peter was seriously worried about his ability to continue breathing.

"Umm…so, this…uh, this is really nice, big guy, but I kinda can't breathe. I mean, it's no biggie, death – who cares? but maybe you could let me go…please?"

Hulk grumbled his displeasure and hugged him a little tighter. "Nice."

"Yeah, no, it is nice. The nicest. Nice and cozy." Peter was quick to reassure and blurted out the first alternative his oxygen deprived brain could think of, "Wanna know what's even more nice and more cozy? A scarf or blanket! I could show you how to knit one! It'll be super fun!"

Making a curious noise, the Hulk released him. After a good 30 seconds of panting and heaving in air, Peter then somehow began the craziness of teaching the Hulk how to knit using his gigantic green arms. About 2 minutes in, the Hulk began grumbling his impatience and frustration over the complex task and Peter decided to play some classical music, a genre he knew Bruce liked. Immediately the grumbling stopped and the Hulk calmed down. Eventually he began swaying while listening to Peter. Peter was sure Bruce would reappear any minute now that the Hulk was calm, but 30 minutes and a decent sized scarf/blanket thing later, Bruce was still Hulked out.

Not that Peter minded – the Hulk was awesome, but he could see the rest of the team by the doors taking pictures and video of him. No doubt collecting enough fodder to embarrass both him and Bruce for months. He figured there was no harm in asking nicely.

"Hey! So now that you've made a kick-ass web scarf/blanket…thing…could I talk to Bruce?" Hulk immediately started grumbling. "Only I need his help with some homework! I can totally show you some more awesome knitting stuff next time! I promise!" He tried to throw in some puppy-eyes for good measure, which had the Hulk huffing out a breath with some unintelligible mumbling. After patting Peter on the head with a "Good Peter Spider", the Hulk immediately began shrinking and de-greening.

As soon as a purple, stretch-panted Bruce was revealed, the team immediately burst into the room, laughing their asses off.

"What the?" Bruce lifted off what appeared to be a white blanket made out of Peter's webbing.

He looked up to see a red-faced Peter put his head in his hands and the rest of his team with their phones out.

"Don't tell me. I don't want to know."


"Hey Penis!"

Peter ignored Flash as he whispered behind him in his Engineering class while Mr. Harrington said something about something.

"Penis! Hey Penis! I'm talking to you!"

Only ten minutes left until school let out for the day. He could make it without turning around and punching Flash, no problem.

"PenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenis Parker."

Okay, maybe not. In an uncharacteristic show of frustration, Peter turned around and was about to say something detention-worthy when the teacher interrupted him.

"Mr. Parker! What did I just say?"

Ugh, he could never catch a break. Sighing, Peter turned around, but not before seeing Flash's smug, smirking face.

"Umm, there's a field trip in a week?"

Mr. Harrington raised an eyebrow, "And where are we going?"

Peter cringed internally and slumped low in his seat, "Uh, I don't know. Sorry."

"Yes, that's what I thought. Next time - detention."


The teacher then handed out fieldtrip forms, which Peter crammed into his bag without reading, and dismissed them.

Barely five steps out the door and he was mocked with, "Penis! You must be thrilled we're going to see your best buddy Tony Stark. Maybe you should give us the tour, seeing as you're so familiar with the tower, right?"

Confused, Peter looked at Flash, "What?"

Ned jumped in excitedly, waving his fieldtrip form, "The field trip next week is to the Avengers Tower! We're going to get to see some of Stark's R&D floors!"

Feeling the blood drain from his face, Peter ripped the form out of Ned's hand, "What?!" Reading it over confirmed what Ned had said. With the additional information of a meet and greet with Tony Stark and Dr. Bruce Banner.

"What's the matter, Parker? Afraid your best friend Tony won't recognize you? That we'll all have concrete proof that the ridiculous internship is a lie?"

Peter completely ignored Flash, more focused on the potential embarrassment Tony and the rest of the team will unleash upon him during the field trip.

Dragging Ned away from a grandstanding Flash, Peter filled him in, "I can't go!"

"What? Why?! This is going to be awesome. The school has been asking for years for a tour and this is the first year they've said yes!"

"Yeah, because of me! I can just imagine what kind of stuff Mr. Stark and the team have planned to embarrass me."

"Peter. You are way over-reacting. Calm down. Mr. Stark can't say anything because your identity is a secret. What is the worst he could do?"

Peter groaned, "That's what I'm afraid of."


The next day was thankfully a Saturday, so no school. Unfortunately, he had training all day at the tower. A fact he normally loved. He and the team were gelling way better than he could've ever hoped, even though he knew the team looked at him as a surrogate nephew or something. He tried to be serious and act more grown-up, but it was hard to keep in his excitement when he was learning so much awesome stuff. Unfortunately, he was compared to an over-eager puppy more often than not.

That camaraderie unfortunately brought with it torment in the form ribbing, and today he was going in, heart in hand, to meekly ask his teammates not to embarrass him.

Entering the elevator, he addressed Friday, "Hey Friday! How's it going?"

"Hello Peter. As always, it is going."

"Good. That's good. Where is everybody?"

"They are all in the communal kitchen. Shall I take you up?"

"Yes, please. Thank you."

"You are very welcome, Peter." He was probably imagining it, but it could've sworn Friday's voice became a little softer when speaking to him. He liked to think she had a soft spot for him.

Stepping off the elevator, Peter was immediately greeted warmly.

"Spiderweb! Welcome back!" Clint.

"Маленький паук." (Little Spider) Natasha.

"Hi Peter. " Steve and Bruce.

"Hey kiddo. Come and eat." Tony waved him over, holding out a plate of pasta for him.

"Hey guys!"

He couldn't help the stars in his eyes. It had been months since he started training as part of the team and he still couldn't pretend to be even a little cool around them. It usually took about 10 minutes for him to collect himself after arriving. It helped that they all looked so normal – just a bunch of people sitting around, eating pasta. Nevermind that it was Captain America who had pasta stains on his shirt, or that it was the guy who turned into the Hulk attempting to twirl gluten-free pasta on his fork, or that it was Black Widow threatening Hawkeye when he kept trying to steal her last meatball.

"See, this is why he's afraid we'll embarrass him in front of all his little friends next week." Tony said as he watched the two world class spies devolve into a couple of children.

Clint let out a muffled, yet triumphant, "Ha!" when he was able to snag a bite of the meatball, quickly followed by a yelp when Natasha then fork-stabbed him in the leg.

Peter paused, meatball mid-way to his mouth. He hadn't told Tony that. "W-what?"

Tony smirked at him. "A little, hot Italian birdie told me you didn't want to come to the tower next week because you're afraid we'll be anything other than cool around you and your classmates."

"Peter, is this true?" Captain America's disappointed face was brutal.

Peter could feel himself start to redden and tried to stutter out a denial.

"N-no! Of course not! You guys are awesome! I-" He cut himself off when he realized the Steve and the team were laughing at him. "You guys suck!" He stuffed the meatball in his mouth and spewed out, "This is why I don't want to come!"

"Ugh. Jesus, kid. Manners. And that's coming from me!" Tony held up his hand as if shielding himself from Peter's see-food.

Bruce, ever the voice of calming reassurance, laid his fears to rest. "Peter, you don't have anything to worry about. We promise we won't do anything embarrassing to you. Outside of Tony, none of us are even supposed to know you, technically." Looking around at his teammates, he continued, "We wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your identity or safety."

Everyone nodded. Even Clint was serious as he said, "Yeah Spiderweb, don't worry about it. Just come and enjoy the trip. You won't even see us."

Smiling sheepishly, he let out a small, "Thank you." and proceeded to stuff his face with the best pasta he'd ever eaten.


Peter felt like Ned was going to rip his arm off he kept shaking it so hard with excitement.

"OhmygodohmygodohmyGOD! This is so amazing!" Ned, along with the rest of the 30some other students in attendance, stood gaping at the lobby of the Avenger's tower.

"Yes, yes, I know, Ned. I know. But could you maybe let go of my arm? I kinda need it." Peter gently removed Ned's hand from his bicep.

"Oh, sorry, dude. But OMG! I can't believe you come here all the time!"

Peter was about to shush him (he didn't want to be bombarded with questions or disbelieving ridicule from his classmates) when Flash spoke up,

"Yeah, Penis, that's right. Why don't you go ahead and lead the tour. You're the expert after all."

Ignoring all the mean chuckles from his classmates, Peter opted for a strategic retreat and made his way to the back of the group, dragging Ned along with him.

He could see Flash making his way towards him to continue his jeering, when all of a sudden Friday's voice came over the lobby.

"Good day students."

The group immediately stilled in surprise and looked up at the ceiling as the voice continued.

"My name is Friday. I am Mr. Stark's Artificial Intelligence program charged with the daily operations of the tower. If you would please make your way to the elevators on the far west wall, I will take you to the R&D levels where Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner are awaiting you arrival."



"I want one."

There were enough elevators that Ned and Peter were able to snag one by themselves unseen by the rest of the class who were sardined into the 5 remaining elevators.

Taking a deep breath, Peter greeted the AI, "Hey Friday! How's it going?"

"Hello Peter! As always, it is going."

"She knows you?! This is awesome. Why didn't you tell me you were on a first name basis with an AI?"

Peter just shrugged. "Hey Friday, uh, where is the rest of the team? Are they on the R&D floors too?"

"The rest of the team is on the communal floor. Would you like me to take you up?"

"YES!" Ned all but shouted at the elevator's ceiling.

"No! No, thank you, Friday. We need to stick with the rest of the class."

"Very well. Here you are."

"Thank you Friday."

"You're very welcome, Peter."

"Yeah, thanks Friday!" Ned waved and smiled at the ceiling.

"You're also very welcome, Mr. Leeds."

Ned gasped in amazement. "How does she know my name?!"

Peter laughed, his mood brightening, "You're my best friend, of course she knows your name." He didn't bother mentioning that she knew everyone's name because she was an AI with almost unlimited access to everyone's information.

Exiting the elevator, they joined the rest of the students as they waited in the R&D department. Spanning 3 floors, they stood on the mezzanine level, looking up towards two sets of escalators leading up to labs encased in glass walls. It looked like a mall more than a Research and Development Department.

"That's an awful lot of shock and awe for someone who is supposedly an intern here."

Peter's shock and awe was interrupted by Flash.

"Well, uh, I don't actually intern in these labs. I help Mr. Stark in a different lab."

Flash raised a mocking eyebrow, "Uh-huh. Cause you're such a genius that Tony Stark has you working on something not even his own R&D department knows about."

Ned groaned, "God, Flash. Would you just give it a rest already?"

"Oh, I would, but I just can't help thinking that Mr. Stark himself would like to know about his intern. He deserves to know the lies you've been spreading at his expense." Flash smirked evilly, "Who know, maybe I'll end up getting an internship out of it."

Turning around he finally left Peter and Ned alone and made his way to the front of the group.

"What a douchecanoe." Ned and Peter looked to their right where Michelle was standing by the wall reading at a book.

They were prevented from responding by the arrival of Peter's secret teammates and not so secret idols.

At the front of the group stood Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. Tony was wearing a flashy suit, while Bruce looked every bit the scientist in his lab coat, wire-rimmed glasses, and messy hair.

"Hello students of Midtown Tech! Welcome to my humble abode!" Tony spread his arms out grandly while Bruce gave a meek wave. Peter could see they were both scanning the group for him. He hunkered down a little lower, trying to hide behind Ned a little.

"Dude! What are you doing?" Ned whispered.

"SHH! Just ignore me! Pretend I'm not here."

Ned shook his head and paid attention to Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner.

"Here at Stark Industries we are at the forefront of innovation in engineering. Whether it's the latest in technology, from our Stark computers to our Stark phones (which each of you will be leaving with)-" this was met with cheers "-or our groundbreaking developments with green energy, it's all here at SI. Welcome!" He clapped his hands together and looked at Bruce as if asking what to do next. Bruce just shrugged. Tony turned back to the group and asked, "So…who wants to help blow stuff up?"

30some odd hands shot up into the air (Peter's included. He couldn't help it. Tony was just too charismatic.)

As Tony led the group towards the escalators, Bruce stepped off to the side, planning on bringing up the rear. He couldn't help but smile as he watched Tony interact with the kids. He could tell they were all extremely nervous around Tony, aka Ironman, but his friend had a way with putting even the shiest and most reserved people at ease. Bruce included.

He watched as an Asian boy stepped right up to Tony, introduced himself as Flash, and asked, "Mr. Stark, do you happen to know a Peter Parker?"

Tony paused and looked at the kid and then the rest of the group, finally spotting Peter hunkered down giving him big Bambi eyes. Assuming Peter didn't want anyone to know about their connection he said, "Peter who? Sorry, can't say the name rings any bells."

Bruce felt a little bit of unease, which was mirrored on Tony's face, at Flash's resulting smile, "Yeah, that's what I thought. Thank you very much, Mr. Stark."

Tony's eyes tracked Flash as he immediately left Tony's side and made his way towards Peter at the back of the group. Tony looked at Bruce and Bruce nodded. He'd go make sure nothing untoward happened at the back of the group.

He snaked around the back, trying to be stealthy, and was therefore privy to what a little shit Flash was, "Hey Penis Parker. Surprise of all surprises, Tony Stark has absolutely no idea who the hell you are!"

Ned looked at Flash like he was crazy, "What? What are you talking about? Mr. Stark and Peter are super tight. Peter even knows his AI, Friday!"

Flash looked at Ned with fake pity, "Poor Ned. Duped by your best friend. Must be tough knowing that the only thing that made you even remotely cool by association was a lie."

Peter looked completely mortified, like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. Especially as the majority of the group had stayed behind to listen to Flash. Tony hadn't noticed as he was at the top of the escalators enduring the TMI ramblings of Mr. Harrington and his divorce from his beloved Tabitha.

"So Penis, what do you have to say for yourself? Finally going to admit that you're a lying loser?"

Peter, bless him, tried to walk away from the confrontation. Stepping around Flash to make his way towards Tony, not yet having noticed Bruce. He didn't make it very far before Flash ran in front of him and shoved him backwards.

"Hey Penis! I asked you a question!" Flash shoved him again, amped on the attention from the crowd and his satisfaction at proving Peter wrong.

Bruce knew Peter had super strength and had obviously let himself be pushed back, but he could feel something inside him snap with anger at Flash's actions. He himself wasn't too phased by the happenings. Yes, Flash was a little punk who was bullying his teammate, but he was also a kid and Bruce wasn't about to get Hulk-angry over pubescent immaturity. The Hulk, however, adored Peter. As much as the Hulk can adore anything, anyway. Bruce was convinced of it ever since the knitting, the video of which he had unfortunately been forced to watch several times.

As Flash continued to ridicule and shove Peter, Bruce could feel anger that wasn't quite his own rising. As Peter once again tried to flee the scene, Flash tripped him. Peter was sent sprawling on the floor.

Feeling an overwhelming tidal wave of rage from deep within, Bruce had about one second to yell "Tony! Code Green!" before he lost all sense of himself.

Tony immediately shoved Mr. Harrington to the side (a moment he would enjoy later) and ran down the steps, already calling his suit to him. Thankfully, he had programed Friday to send out an SOS to the team and complete a lockdown on all departments whenever Bruce yelled 'Code Green'.

He watched in horror as the Hulk roared and focused on the Flash kid. He noticed Peter was sprawled on the floor for some reason, but ignored him in favour of yelling at the students to run as he made his way to them.

"Hey, Big Guy!" He said cheerfully to the Hulk, trying to calm him down. "What are you doing? Can we have Brucie back? We're just doing boring science stuff. Nothing to get all green over."

The students were terrified as they watched the Hulk send Tony sprawling to the floor with one sweep of his arm, getting him out of the way. He once again focused on Flash, who was standing stock still, petrified. There were several screams as the Hulk bent lower and roared in Flash's face. Flash had squeezed his eyes shut, clearly expecting to die.

The screaming stopped and Flash's eyes popped open in surprise when the soft sounds of classical music started playing. Peter Parker stood slightly in front of Flash with his phone held out in front of him.

"Hey Big Green! I'm okay! Flash and I were just playing. I'm not hurt!" Peter plastered the biggest and brightest smile he could muster up at the Hulk. Stepping closer he completely blocked Flash with his body.

"Peter Spider hurt?" The Hulk gently prodded Peter in the stomach as if to verify his well-being.

"No, no! I'm great! Never been better!" Peter danced away from his finger. To the disbelief and awe of his classmates, he then proceeded to take Hulk's hand and guide him away from Flash and over to Tony.

"But you hurt Tony. That wasn't very nice. We like Tony, remember?"

Peter bent over and helped Tony up. "You okay, Mr. Stark?"

"Yeah, I'm good, kiddo. But what's with your face?"

Confused, Peter put his hand up to his nose, which he just noticed was throbbing, only for his hand to come away bloody. "Ow."

At his soft expression of pain, the Hulk once again freaked out and turned on Flash.

"Where the hell is my suit and the rest of the team?! FRIDAY!" Tony yelled at the AI.

"They're all on their way, boss. ETA 1 minute."

Seeing the Hulk raise his fist to smash, Tony realized they didn't have 1 minute. They didn't even have 10 seconds.

Tony charged at the kid, fully intending to shove him out of the way and take the hit, but a familiar "swish" of webbing stopped him.

There stood Peter. In his dorky, long-sleeved science pun-riddled t-shirt, with a web shooter pointed out, connecting the Hulk's two fists. In front of everyone.

Completely surprised by the turn of events, the Hulk confusedly raised his joined hands and asked, "Spider Peter?"

"Hey Buddy! I was thinking we could knit again. Remember last week? You loved it. We could go finish that scarf/blanket…thing! Doesn't that sound fun!" Peter coaxed him away from the group, leading him by his webbed hands.

Contented grumbling erupted from the Hulk at the idea. He grabbed Peter "Oof!" and plopped over by the corner, still in front of everyone, and held out his arm, waiting for Peter to start.

A slightly hysterical Peter looked at the group, knowing his cover was blown, and let out an incredulous, "What is my life?!" while releasing strand after strand of webbing to make a thick thread for the Hulk to knit.

It was at that moment that the rest of the Avengers and Tony's suit finally made an appearance. Busting through the doors and vents were Captain America, Falcon, Black Widow, and Hawkeye. They all stopped to assess the situation.

"Again?!" Falcon.

"Who knew the Hulk was secretly an 80 year old lady." Clint.

"Wait, wait, wait. WAIT!" Flash shrilled out. "WHAT?!"

"Ha! I knew it!" Michelle yelled out victoriously.

"What? What do you know?!" Flash asked desperately. "It can't be what I think it is. There's no way. Absolutely no freaking way that Penis Parker is Spiderman."

He turned to Tony, "You said you'd never heard of him!"

Tony shrugged, "Yeah, I lied. Get over it." He looked at the rest of the group. "Get over it and out of my tower. All of you." They all ran for the door. "Don't forget about the nice little NDA you all signed, either. If any of you mention this event and what you've experienced, you'll all be buried under so many lawsuits, you'll be 80 before you can even think of going to college."

Ned watched as the rest of his class ran out the doors, Mr. Harrington in the lead. He looked at Peter, standing in front of the Hulk, saying ridiculous things like 'cast off' and 'knit twice, purl once.'.

"This. Is. AWESOME!"

Stepping closer to Peter, Tony said, "And you thought we would embarrass you."

Peter looked up at the now empty lobby, sighed, and went back to teaching the Hulk how to knit.
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