Categories > TV > Torchwood

The Anti-Eel Defense Squadron

by fukase 1 review

Harper's Jellied Eels are the biggest distributor of jellied eels in London. However, it also hunts and contains giant alien eels from the Cardiff Rift. With the opposition of the nefarious Weevil ...

Category: Torchwood - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody,Sci-fi - Warnings: [!!] [V] [?] - Published: 2018-01-12 - 521 words

Cardiff, Wales. Home of the jellied eel, a space-time rift, and eels in general. A semi-important location in this area was the Hub, the base for Torchwood Three, the guys who ordered pizza a lot. Within the Hub was Owen Harper, the man who owned Harper's Jellied Eels, the biggest distributor of jellied eels this side of the Mississippi River. He was operating on the corpse of Spider-Man from an alternate universe, who came from the rift and tried to eat all the babies in the planet. He was shot by Shrek, however, and the body was retrieved by Torchwood. 

Captain Jack Harkness, the guy who runs the show, was sneakin' around, ready to inform somebody about his love for sausages. He spooked over to Owen's spot thing, the little hole or whatever, where he does the thing. 

"ya like sausage owen" asked Jack from up top. 

"Yeah." said Owen, nervously drinking his coffee. The captain had been acting strangely lately. He had a sudden obsession with sausages, sausages of all kinds. He spent half of Torchwood's budget on sausage pizza and blood sausages, and he made the Hub a part-time sausage factory. He's been catching wild weevils and turning their bodies into sausages. The others were worried, and slightly terrified because he's started to stand outside their windows, sausage in hand, staring at them. Menacingly. 

"because I like sausages owen" said Jack, creeping down the stairs as Owen watched him intently, frozen with fear. 

"and you know what I do with sausages" 

"Jack, you're scaring me."

"I eat em', Owen. I eat the sausages." 

"Please, Jack, I-" Owen said, before Jack grabbed him by the collar and slammed him into the wall. Toshiko stared in the utmost spook from across the room, while writing a homosexual Fifth Doctor x Davros fanfiction on the batcomputer or whatever it is. 

"I EAT THEM, OWEN, I FUCKIN' EAT EM" screamed Jack, said screaming spitting sausage flavored saliva all over Owen's face. 

"JACK FOR GODS SAKE WOT ARE YE DOIN" Gwen screeched, racing down the stairs in incredibly hgih speeds. "GWEN" Jack screamed, turning his head. "SAUSAGES"

Suddenly, a giant eel appeared, everybody screaming in fear as it ate Jack and his big bones. It then spat him out, flying away like a majestic eagle. Gwen then dropped to her knees and sobbed, as a giant alien eel just ate Jack and spit out his mangled corpse. Owen got back to his feet, and pulled out his omega ultra advanced mega delta ultra walkie talkie, that was an alien artifact that was just a walkie talkie except better. 

"Specimen just spotted at the Hub. One casualty. It just flew away like a pretty lil' bird. Anybody got eyes on it?" he spoke into the thing, walking to the vault door like a Men in Black agent. 

"It's a rare red spaghetti eating eel, and yes, I've found it. It's heading towards the meatball factory." said John Hart, who joined Harper's Jellied Eels because he had an eel fetish. "Good. Fire up the anti-eel defense cannons, I'm on my way." 

To be continued or something
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