FicWad

The man stood in the corner of the yard, face pale, cheeks wet with tears. He was thin, and his eyes were streaming with pain, but his body remained still as a statue. In fact, the water leaking out of his eyes could have been rain on marble, the way it leaked down his smooth face, and yet he made no sound. He was clutching a rucksack which touched hard against his ankles, which were protected with trainers. He wore a delicate long-sleeved shirt exposed at the neck, and his slim legs were fitted with crisp jeans. He looked beautiful, but so sad.

He stood against the fence of a small garden, which backed onto the wall of a detached house. The day was drawing to a close, and the sun was sinking in the sky, although the air was still as cool and crisp as the pale blue sky. Eventually the man let out a small cry of sadness.
"Shinya."
Shinya slowly lifted his chin to look into the eyes of the man opposite him.
"Is it really that bad?"
The other's voice softened, and placed a strong hand on his arm. Shinya nodded, unable to speak for the moment.
"Hmm."
Kaoru frowned, biting his lip, and let out a breath. After a pause, he came to a decision, and spoke to the drummer, crossing his arms to give his usual commanding style of speech.
"Okay. I'm sorry. Well, I'm not going to give you the day off tomorrow, and I expect him to be at practice as well. Staying away from each other will just hurt you both more. This is a band, and music is more important than an individual. Do you understand?"
Kaoru's voice became kind.
"Dir en grey needs every one of you. We need you 100%, and separations and recovery time just prolongs the pain. If you want to move on, if you know what's best for you, you'll come tomorrow. Music completes us, and we can express emotion in every way through it. Even if he's there, music creates a new world. Okay? Shinya, you'll get through this if I know you at all."
Kaoru gave Shinya a firm pat on the arm.
"There you go. Now I've got to get going. I'll see you tomorrow, Shinya. Stay safe."
Kaoru gave him a nod, which Shinya feebly imitated in return.
"Ja ne, Kaoru..."
Kaoru responded with a firm thin-lipped smile, and strode away, reaching his car at the end of the yard. He lifted a hand at Shinya as he drove away. Shinya could only stare back.

He had never felt so lonely. He knew Kaoru always acted in everybody's best interests, and that was what made him so good at his job. But sometimes it was hard to find comfort in a man so good at what he did. Logic sometimes fails you, and then you are left grasping for air. With Kyo, there was always something there; behind the man and the screaming there was poetry and images and depth. There was so much there- or so he thought. He choked. He felt empty. Like... like one of Kyo's poems, like his heart had been ripped out. The space inside him felt empty and filled with air. All the times before he had felt darkness and destruction when events like this happened. He would turn the pain inwards onto himself and revel in the beauty of it, but this time...this was an unfamiliar, strange feeling. This clear emptiness...
He felt lost.

Eventually it grew dark, and Shinya picked himself up and went inside the house.

-------

The next day dawned bright and early, and Shinya went through his morning routines- feeding his little puppy Miyu, straightening his hair, dressing, washing- with the ease and smoothness of an automaton. He had shut off his mind from stressors- a rare talent, and good if you could get it. He stared right through his reflection in the mirror when he applied his makeup. He pinched his face like a doll or a model, and painted it like the statue he felt like. His beautiful blonde hair shone back at him, glittering in the morning sun. He turned away from the mirror apathetically, and laid out some food for Miyu. The little dog yapped, and Shinya looked at her. She had food and water, what else could she want? Miyu yapped little barks, and nudged Shinya's ankles with her nose. Suddenly a huge wave of emotion came upon him, and he missed her. Kneeling down, he let her climb into his hands.
"What d'you want, huh, Miyu?" he murmured, pressing his face into her fur. She murmured nonsense noises back at him, but Shinya understood...she was worried about him.
"It's okay, Miyu. Really it is."
She wasn't convinced. She yapped- where was Kyo?
"He's gone, Miyu."
Shinya felt that wave of sadness come back, and this time it hit his heart so hard he could hardly breathe. Shaking his head and trying to fight it off, he looked at his watch, and realized he would be late for practice if he didn't leave now. He slipped his keys off the kitchen surface into his pocket, gathered his things, and, in one last act of comfort, slipped Miyu into his bag, heading for the door.

When Shinya arrived outside the practice room, holding Miyu up in a shoulder bag, he was greeted by Toshiya and Die lounging against the wall outside, smoking. He felt grateful to see them, and welcomed by the normality. Kaoru was right, -as usual. He was reassured by the comfort of normality and routine, and greeted his band mates.
"Hey, Shinya!
Toshiya smiled cheerfully and seemed glad to see him. Shinya could have hugged him, and broke into a small smile himself. Die also greeted him kindly, saying he would offer him a cigarette, but...
"Actually," they heard a voice saying, "I...wouldn't mind one..."
Die was surprised, but tried not to show it.
"Sure thing, Shin."
"No," Toshiya piped up, "Don't be silly, Shinya...Because...hey, look!-"
Miyu's little head was poking out of Shinya's shoulder bag.
-"Miyu's protesting!"
Shinya let out a real smile this time.
"Well, I guess I can't object to that now, can I?"
"Nope." Toshiya said firmly, and grinned. "Hey, I'm going to go inside and see if the others have finished talking, I'll be back in a bit."
"Ja ne." replied Die, and Toshiya slipped inside the building. After he'd gone, Die still lounging on the wall, pushed himself up straight, and a serious expression came over his face.
"Shinya, are you alright? Kaoru told us. He's having a word with Kyo, presumably to tell him it's not to interfere with his work. But I know how hard and unfeeling Kao can be, so I just thought I'd ask. He's not as unfeeling as he seems, but I'd understand if you were upset."
Shinya blinked. He felt uncomfortable. All these people had been talking at him recently...but then he realized that Die's eyes were searching his face in genuine care, and he almost threw his arms around the guitarist and collapsed crying on his shoulder.
"Die...it's..." here Shinya's voice dropped right down to barely above a whisper, "...so hard."
Die's face crumpled with pity.
"I know Shin, I know."
Shinya turned his face away and closed his eyes in agony.
"Here, Shinya..."
...and he felt strong arms around him, lips on his forehead and hands on his hair.
"It's going to be okay."
Die's embrace rocked him gently, and Shinya felt his eyes grow wet with tears he still harboured. Die slowly pulled his upper body away from Shinyas, and brushed Shinya's soft fringe out of his eyes with a gentle hand.
"Trust me, Shinya, it is."
Shinya looked up into the man's face. Their bodies were so close, and Shinya could feel the familiar emotion that he used to have when he was with Kyo. He could see lips above him, and the two moved closer...and then they were pressed together, frantically, the heat from their mouths comforting each other, soft wet kisses overwhelming, eyes rolling into the back of their head with passion and heat, wanting each others embrace so badly...but then it was over. Die was pulling away, and Shinya was shaken and confused. Die?
"Die..."
Die's face was turned away, eyes closed in pain, his hands pressed on Shinya's upper arms.
"Shinya, I wish I could, but I can't..."
The red head turned his eyes to Shinyas, and smiled softly and sadly.
"This isn't good for you at this time, Shinya...I'm here if you need me...but we can't do that...much as you're cute."
Die flashed a cheeky wink at Shinya, and Shinya laughed, surprised and amused by Die's innuendos. He smiled, brushing his hair out of his eyes, forgetting what had just happened.
"Come on, let's go in. And don't forget Miyu!"
Shinya looked down at his dog, and found he was curled up in the corner of his bag. Die peered in.
"Ne, she's sleeping. Kawaii."
Shinya smiled up at Die, pleased that he would compliment his puppy. Silly animal. And by that he meant both of them, Miyu and Die. Die made a move to go inside, but Shinya touched his arm and held him back.
"Die...thanks."
"Anything for you, Shinya-sama." Die said, accompanying the statement with an outrageous wink. Shinya shook his head, laughing at his cheek, and followed the red head inside the building.

~owari