Categories > TV > Frasier > The Cousins Crane
The Good Cousin
0 reviewsA future fic taking the form of a pilot for a TV series focused on the next generation of the Frasier cast. As a humble adjunct professor, Freddy Crane's life hasn't exactly lived up to the promise...
0Unrated
FADE IN:
ACT ONE.
INT. ADJUNCT'S OFFICE - DAY
TITLE CARD: THE GOOD COUSIN
FREDDY CRANE, early 30's, fussily dressed, is sprawled on the couch in his university's adjunct office. His colleague, LEAH KEOH— 30's, Asian-American, intense —tries to work at her desk.
FREDDY
I guess I just feel like… this isn't the life I'm supposed to be leading, you know?
LEAH
I feel like you're going to tell me.
FREDDY
I was gifted kid. I don't mean to brag, but a really gifted kid. Spelling prodigy, chess champ. Marbury Academy, Philips Exeter, all the way to Harvard.
LEAH
Not that you're bragging or anything.
FREDDY
Yeah, it's not at all it's cracked up to be. Try telling that to a bunch of knuckle-draggers waiting for you behind the bleachers. And from the time I was a kid, everybody told me that I was going to do great things. So imagine what I felt like when it turned out… I just didn't.
He gets up and begins to pace.
FREDDY
My parents always figured I'd become a doctor or a lawyer or an Internet millionaire, but nope. A concentration in philosophy— a concentration, you see, they don't have majors at Harvard —leading to a series of underpaid adjunct teaching jobs where I have the honor of grading their boring, probably purchased papers. What could be worse?
Leah looks at him, offended.
LEAH
Oh, I don't know. You could also have to hear about it.
FREDDY
All from little snots whose parents pushed them into the gifted and talented track the same way my mom and dad pushed me.
LEAH
Oh, so they're the ones to blame. Well, it's not like you have to deal with them anymore, right?
FREDDY
My mother is your typical emotionless intellectual ice monster—
LEAH
Typical?
FREDDY
And my dad is a neurotic snob with a superiority complex concealing his inferiority complex, so… no, they never stop calling me.
LEAH
I can imagine how after a while it can get old hearing about it.
FREDDY
When at worst they can't stop wondering where they went wrong, or at best radiate a subtle but unmistakable disappointment? Yeah, you think?
LEAH
Well, Freddy… it can be tough when your expectations don't match up with your reality.
Freddy turns to stare at her.
FREDDY
That's it? That's the best you've got for me? The same first-year psycho babble you tell your students? Professor. My father is a psychiatrist. My mother is a psychiatrist. Uncle, grandmother, all psychiatrists. Do you honestly think that's something that's never occurred to me?
His pacing intensifies.
FREDDY
Now, if you'd said I had some kind of Millennial malaise, that would have been trite and dismissive, but at least had some evidentiary support. Or if you'd said I was crushed by the weight of my parents' hopes and dreams. My dad was a Freudian, even that might have had the ring of truth. But disappointed expectations? Really? After a childhood of behavior experiments and my every youthful quirk examined for all possible psychological phenomena? Really, Leah? Is that what they teach at west coast schools?
Leah slams her book closed and gets in his face.
LEAH
All right, all right, Lucien Freud. You want my expertise? Well, here it is, and I'm not even going to charge you for it. Why don't you try, for at least a minute or two, focusing on something, anything at all, besides yourself?
Freddy considers.
FREDDY
So you think my expectations are off, huh?
ACT ONE.
INT. ADJUNCT'S OFFICE - DAY
TITLE CARD: THE GOOD COUSIN
FREDDY CRANE, early 30's, fussily dressed, is sprawled on the couch in his university's adjunct office. His colleague, LEAH KEOH— 30's, Asian-American, intense —tries to work at her desk.
FREDDY
I guess I just feel like… this isn't the life I'm supposed to be leading, you know?
LEAH
I feel like you're going to tell me.
FREDDY
I was gifted kid. I don't mean to brag, but a really gifted kid. Spelling prodigy, chess champ. Marbury Academy, Philips Exeter, all the way to Harvard.
LEAH
Not that you're bragging or anything.
FREDDY
Yeah, it's not at all it's cracked up to be. Try telling that to a bunch of knuckle-draggers waiting for you behind the bleachers. And from the time I was a kid, everybody told me that I was going to do great things. So imagine what I felt like when it turned out… I just didn't.
He gets up and begins to pace.
FREDDY
My parents always figured I'd become a doctor or a lawyer or an Internet millionaire, but nope. A concentration in philosophy— a concentration, you see, they don't have majors at Harvard —leading to a series of underpaid adjunct teaching jobs where I have the honor of grading their boring, probably purchased papers. What could be worse?
Leah looks at him, offended.
LEAH
Oh, I don't know. You could also have to hear about it.
FREDDY
All from little snots whose parents pushed them into the gifted and talented track the same way my mom and dad pushed me.
LEAH
Oh, so they're the ones to blame. Well, it's not like you have to deal with them anymore, right?
FREDDY
My mother is your typical emotionless intellectual ice monster—
LEAH
Typical?
FREDDY
And my dad is a neurotic snob with a superiority complex concealing his inferiority complex, so… no, they never stop calling me.
LEAH
I can imagine how after a while it can get old hearing about it.
FREDDY
When at worst they can't stop wondering where they went wrong, or at best radiate a subtle but unmistakable disappointment? Yeah, you think?
LEAH
Well, Freddy… it can be tough when your expectations don't match up with your reality.
Freddy turns to stare at her.
FREDDY
That's it? That's the best you've got for me? The same first-year psycho babble you tell your students? Professor. My father is a psychiatrist. My mother is a psychiatrist. Uncle, grandmother, all psychiatrists. Do you honestly think that's something that's never occurred to me?
His pacing intensifies.
FREDDY
Now, if you'd said I had some kind of Millennial malaise, that would have been trite and dismissive, but at least had some evidentiary support. Or if you'd said I was crushed by the weight of my parents' hopes and dreams. My dad was a Freudian, even that might have had the ring of truth. But disappointed expectations? Really? After a childhood of behavior experiments and my every youthful quirk examined for all possible psychological phenomena? Really, Leah? Is that what they teach at west coast schools?
Leah slams her book closed and gets in his face.
LEAH
All right, all right, Lucien Freud. You want my expertise? Well, here it is, and I'm not even going to charge you for it. Why don't you try, for at least a minute or two, focusing on something, anything at all, besides yourself?
Freddy considers.
FREDDY
So you think my expectations are off, huh?
Sign up to rate and review this story