FicWad

Loud music echoed of her walls, wedding songs one after the other crept their way into her room. And no matter how hard she tried she couldn't turn deaf to it. The day had finally come, it was her wedding tonight. In an hour she would be another man's bride, a man she didn't love. A man she could never love but at least he was kind. One by one every member had come and sat beside her, giving her company, giving her advise, words of wisdom. Family, she thought, anything for family. For them she would walk on coals.

Everyone had come and left, now she waited for Idris Baba and Yamac to get her. Taking a deep breath she tried to hold onto herself and keep her calm even though everything inside her was silently falling apart and turning to ruins. She fought of the tears she couldn't cry, she fought them and still her eyes turned watery.

Taking another deep breath she walked into her little room. She wanted to go near her small window and stare at the dark house that stood at a distance. But she didn't, she wouldn't. All she wanted to do was curl up in her bed and hug herself instead she walked straight, to her dressing table and stood in front of her mirror. Looking at herself one last time as his Sadis. She would always be his no matter who she stood beside, no matter where she went, who she became. She would always be his even though he wasn't hers.

Staring at herself in the mirror she saw the door behind her close relieving the man who hid behind it. Turning around to face him, she stood still in disbelieve, paralyzed and shocked for a few short seconds. She hurried towards her door to press the lock and pushed him into a corner away from the window.

Salih, what are you doing here, she asked him with panic in her voice.

Nothing Sadis - ah your not going to be my Sadis anymore, he replied with sarcasm, Your going to be his, he continued with more bitterness to his voice this time.

Salih -

I'm here to congratulate you on your wedding Saadet hamin.

She took a step back from him not believing what she was hearing. How could he be so cruel? The boy she loved had never been cruel to her, he did nothing but make smile. Who was he?

Don't you look beautiful, is this for him. Were you thinking of him when you chose this dress, were you thinking of him just now when you stood in front of the mirror.

She didn't say a word. She couldn't stay a word, she was trying to fight off her tears that would give in any moment. Trying to keep control, trying to not break before him. He didn't deserve her tears. But her voice betrayed her when she spoke, the hurt in them so clear, why are you doing this?

Doing what? I'm just here to wish you, your getting married after all.

Level, please just leave.

Tamam but let me give you you're wedding present first.

He took hold of her hand, turned it around and placed her gift inside her palm. Saadet stared at her hand hard, closed her eyes, opened them again. She lifted her head to look at the cruel man in front of her and broke the silence between them with a slap to his face. And threw the red cherry seeds at him.

How dare you, how dare you, she screamed as she hit and pushed at his chest, How dare you, you heartless man, terrible terrible man, her anger turned to sobs, her voice cracking at every word she said. Tears streaming down her face staining her cheeks.

He didn't react, he just stood there, shocked, watching her tears and hearing her cry. He broke her, he broke her. He didn't come here to break her, he didn't come here to hurt her. All he wanted was to lurk in the shadows, to watch her from afar.

But he lost it, lost it the second he saw her in her wedding dress. The dress she should have been wearing for him. He lost it when he heard all those woman talk to her about the future she should have had with him. Nobody else but with him. He lost it. He let his jealousy and anger take control and so he hurt the woman he loved. The only woman he has ever loved. What have I done, he though, what have I done?

He held her in his arms, she pushed and shoved him but he didn't let go. He whispered with grave in his voice, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, over and over again He whispered until she stopped fighting him and he still whispered after.

Holding her in his arms, sliding slowing down against the wall he tacked her to his chest. And heard her break in his arms all over again and this time he cried with her.

*

They didn't know how long they set there, entwined in each others arms. It felt like it had been hours. Nothing felt more whole and at peace in each others touch and warmth. And they would stay like this forever but she knew better.

Removing his arms from her felt as if she was ripping her own arms off, walking away from him felt as if were was ripping her soul out from her body. She wondered if he felt the same. And if he did then how could he let her go so easily.

Standing in front of the mirror, she fixed her veil in place, graded a wet wipe and started wiping of her smudged mascara. Doing her best to avoid the dark eyes of the man standing in her mirror. There were back to square one.

Come with me.

You should leave.

The man in the mirror got closer to her, too close. She could feel his breath on her neck, sending goosebumps running down her body. He whispered the same words again, come with me. Come with me and be my happiness, his voice was velvet soft. She turned around, her eyes meeting his, her lips inches from his. And this time with more determination in her voice she replied, No.

You can't marry him Sadis, he spoke with gentleness and pain, you love me. You promised. You promised to marry me. Don't you remember.

I promised to marry Salih, to be his not Vartolu Saadattin's.

With a slightly harder tone in his voice Vartolu said out her name but before he could get another word she cut off.

Twice, twice I asked you to come with me. I was willing to give up everything, everyone for you. But you didn't Slaih, you didn't...Fine, one last chance. I'm ready to leave all this behind right now for you and go wherever you take me. Can you leave behind Cukur and come with me?

When he did he didn't answer she shook her head with a sad knowing smile. She wasn't surprised, she expected it but it did nothing to lessen the pain she felt amplifying inside her. She didn't think it was possible to break any farther but she was wrong, always wrong. You don't love me, you don't love anyone or anything more than Cukur. I can never be enough. Go, don't make this harder than this already is for me. Please, for Gods sake Salih, go.

With that she turned around and faced the mirror, he had been dismissed. She graded her mascara and twisted the cap. When she heard the door open and shut her legs gave out. She held on to her dressing table for support as she struggled to breath. This was the hardest thing she had ever had to do in her life. No, the hardest thing for her to do was yet to come, he was waiting for her at the alter. But first, she would allow herself to cry, she would grieve for her lost boy, her friend, her lover. She would mourn for the dreams that would die tonight. She would mourn for the girl who loved and only lost.