Categories > Original > Humor
Train Is Mightier Than The Sword
0 reviewsThis time Brickleberry takes on Strangers on A Train! Criss Cross!
0Unrated
Before we begin. To be honest, this was originally a South Park fanfic. Now thanks to Wordpad and a lot of cut and paste. It's now a Brickleberry fanfic. Found these floating around on the FICWAD Message Boards. So I decided to give these fanfics new life. If the Brickleberry characters seem out of character to any of you who read this. Don't let that bother you, it's supposed to be a spoof of Strangers of a Train.
Don't like South Park anymore. Gave up on the show because I think it's gone on long enough. Brickleberry was a MUCH better show that deserved to last for years to come. Damn Comedy Central for cancelling such a gem of a show. Brickleberry had so much potential to be Comedy Central's next big thing. Yet South Park keeps on lingering.
Let the fanfic begin!
Brickleberry
Fanfic Title:
Train Is Mightier Than The Sword
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
On the outskirts of Brickleberry there was the town of Hazelhurst. Steve Williams who is a reality TV show producer is at the gynecologists's office with his wife Ethel. They are both wondering why Ethel never got pregnant. They want to ask the gynecologist about the fertility pills Ethel was taking and why the pills haven't worked. Their gynecologist was Eric Woody.
Ethel: Hope the doctor can give us some answers. Want to have a baby so badly.
Steve: As do I, Ethel my love.
While they were waiting a long time in Woody's office, Steve decides to talk about his work.
Steve: Pitched a pilot for a new reality series.
Ethel: That's wonderful. Did it go through? What was it about?
Steve: Wanted to do one where college students to strive to pass their classes, then have to impress a dean so they can work in the jobs of their choices....Something inspiring and intellegent for once....
Ethel: Did the producers like it?
Steve: Not at all, I'm afraid. (facepalms) The Reality TV industry all it wants is pranks, singing shows, talent contests, and people doing humiliating things for 15 minutes of fame......either that or some rich family who's famous for doing nothing, or some religious trailer trash familes and one of the members turns out to be a rapist.
Ethel: That's total bullshit. That sounded like a really good idea. Something good for once.
Steve and Ethel both hear Woody approaching.
Ethel: Here he comes. shhhhhh.
Woody walks into the room and sits at his desk.
Steve: OKay, man. We want straight up answers.
Ethel: Why hasn't my fertility pills worked? Should be pregnant by now.
Woody: Hmmmm, fertility pills are the problem, ehhhh.
Steve (frustated): Well, duh! That's why the fuck we're here!
Ethel: You're the doctor. Tell us what the problem is.
Woody: The pills aren't working that's a quandry. If I had to make an educated guess.....The reason why you're not getting pregnant is because maybe you're not pleasuring your wife enough....
Ethel: If that's the case what do you suggest?
Woody: Try doing some sexual positions. Ever consider doing the Missionairy Position or a Hot Carl?
Steve (angerly): Don't even know what the hell that means!
Ethel: What does that have to do with the pills?
Woody: Since the pills I prescribed aren't working, thought maybe you can try that approach!
Steve: So you think doing kinky things is going to work?
Ethel: Are you even a doctor?
Woody(laughs): Can't believe you guys thought I was a real gynecologist!
Steve: You mean......
Woody(laughs): I'm a doctor all right! I'm a professor in comedy! (laughs) I mastered in pranks and minored in morality! (laughs)
Steve and Ethel get very angry at Woody.
Ethel: Suppose these pills are fake, too, huh?
Woody: They're really placebos! (laughs) In fact they're not even placebos....eat one.
Then Woody hands Steve and Ethel the fake fertility pills. Steve bits into the pills and Ethel does the same. Then they both find out it was really candy.
Ethel: Oh, my gosh! How could we have been so stupid!!!
Steve: Holy shit, dude! You've been giving us.....
Woody: It's candy! (laughs) You fell for it big!! Really gave you candy! You will never have kids!
Steve: What medical school did you go to? That I'd like to know....
Woody(laughs): Gone to Medical School all right...... Went to the School of Hard Knocks! (cracks up) You guys.....so gullible!
Steve: So, you're really a con man?
Woody: Sure am! Now get the fuck out of my office or you'll be forced to kiss my balls!
Ethel: Can't believe we wasted all our time on you! Thinking you can get us pregnant!
Steve: You have no respect for people at all! (shakes his fist Woody) If you were a real doctor, we'd sue your ass for malpractice!
Ethel: Let's get out of here. The nerve of that guy! He was our last resort......
Woody: You better not reveal my secret that I am not really a real doctor.....
Steve and Ethel both leave the gynecologist office in disdain.
Woody(evilly laughs): Can't believe they fell for all that!
Scene 2:
Meanwhile, at the Brickleberry National Bank, tennis player Denzel Jackson and his wife Connie were at the bank with their broker Malloy Bear.
Denzel: Just came back from Wimbledon. We played a great game, but I didn't win though.
Connie: That's okay. There's always other times.
Malloy: So, what brings you in my office today?
Denzel: We're here to pay my mortgage for the house.
Connie (hands Malloy the check): The check is right here.
Denzel: Good thing we're rich because we always pay on time...
Malloy: Thanks for paying. And making Brickleberry National Bank your prefered Choice in Home Loans.
Denzel: Always knew to have faith in you dude. Love it when you say that.
Malloy (goes over the computer files): Hate to tell you this. But the bank owns your house now....
Connie: What do you mean?
Denzel: Yeah, dude. We always pay our bills.
Malloy: According to your records, you haven't been paying off your loan.
Connie: Of course we have! There must be some mistake.....
Malloy: Doesn't matter if you do pay your bills and mortgage or you don't. Also, the real reason you're in debt because of the loan you have taken out 15 years ago.
Denzel: So that's the cause of it! Son of a bitch.
Malloy: You're both in foreclosure. You better pack up and downsize now.
Connie: That's not true. We paid that loan off long ago with Denzel's hard earned money. Something tells me you're conning us.
Denzel: When we bought our house, we hired you as our banker because we thought we can trust you.
Malloy: I am not a con, this isn't a joke. You're both in debt, you're going to lose your house. End of story.
Denzel: Hope somebody kicks your sorry ass someday. It may not be today, dude. So get ready. Someday you're going to get it.
Connie: That's right. My husband is a black and don't ever cross him!!
Malloy: I'll remember that the next time you come here.
Denzel: We're onto you!
Malloy: You both are the problem here. These debts you all own on your house are both your faults entirely. Have nothing to do with it.
Connie and Denzel go back home. Malloy goes to the bank vault and jumps into all the money he stole from Denzel and Connie. Both Denzel and Connie were right. Malloy really was stealing their money from them.
Malloy: Woo Hoo! Talk about an Indecent Proposal!
Scene 3:
The next week, Steve and Denzel were on a train headed to work. Steve was going to the studio to produce a reality TV show and Denzel was going to a Tennis Court to practice for his next big game. Denzel notices Steve is depressed.
Steve: Here I go. Off to produce the same shit for reality TV. That's what the people want.
Denzel: What's eating you, Steve?
Steve: My wife's gynecologist Woody played us for fools!
Denzel: You're telling me. My wife Connie and I are in foreclosure.
Steve: Won't believe what happened to us.
Denzel: You first.
Steve: Woody prescribed us these fertility pills and they didn't even work. Then we find out he was really giving us placebos. To add insult to injury, he revealed even a real doctor! He was a fraud! You haven't heard the worst part. Those pills turned out to be CANDY!!!!!
Denzel: Oh, hell no. You have my deepest sympathies. Here's my story. My wife and I are moving out because we're in foreclosure. All because we hired a banker we thought we trusted for years. We even confronted him that we think he might be a con man, but he denied it and made us feel like it was our fault we are losing our house.
Steve: Sounds like a Bernie Madoff type.
Denzel: Yes, dude! Exactly. (snaps his fingers and points to Steve)
Steve: Woody pissed me off so bad, wish we could do something very drastic.
Denzel: I ought to do the same with that banker of ours, Malloy.
Steve: It would be cool to waste them, dude. Only problem is.....our enemies who we thought were our friends know us.
Denzel: Say we kill them anyway!
Steve: Yes, but how....
Denzel: Got it!
Steve: What's the plan?
Denzel: How about I lure Woody into a trap, and you can do the same to Malloy!
Steve: Love it!
Denzel: I'll kill Woody! And you can kill Malloy!
Steve: It's the perfect crime! Malloy don't know me. And Woody don't know you!
Denzel: That's right! It will be a fucking criss cross!
Steve: Like the sound of that! Criss Cross!
Denzel: Criss Cross!
Steve: Criss Cross!
Denzel and Steve then orchestrate a plan to lure Woody and Malloy to their deaths.
Steve (hands Denzel a paper): Here's Woody's phone number.
Denzel (hands Steve a paper): This is the number to the Brickleberry National Bank.
The train gets off at the TV Studio and Steve goes to work. Eventually Denzel gets off at the Tennis Court. Both are feeling hopeful that their plans will work.
Scene 4:
That following weekend, Steve and Denzel decide to put their plans into motion. Denzel was on the phone with Woody.
Denzel (talking to Woody via phone): Hey, Man! Dr. Woody Johnson, today is your lucky day.
Woody (over the phone): Wow! Did I win anything?
Denzel: (over the phone) : You get to hang out with a famous tennis player, me! Denzel Jackson!
Woody (over the phone): GREAT!
Denzel (over the phone); What is something you like to do for fun?
Woody (over the phone): I like to go boating. In Hazelhurst Pond.
Denzel (over the phone): What do you say, this Saturday, you and I go boating in Hazelhurst Pond?
Woody (over the phone): I'll be there!
Denzel (over the phone): It's settled. Meet me at Hazelhurst harbor and I'll see you then.
Woody (over the phone): I know where that is. Won't miss this opportunity to hang out with a famous sports player!
Denzel (over the phone): See you Saturday, bye!
Woody (over the phone): Bye! (hangs up phone and jumps up and down): YAY!!!! YAY!!!!! YAY!!!! Going to spend some time with Denzel Jackson a famous tennis player! Much better than the time when I won a dinner at Benekins with Adrian Peterson.....And even better than that time when I was stuck in an elevator with Ray Rice.
Back at Denzel's house, when he hangs up the phone, another call comes though and Denzel answers it, and it's Steve on the other end.
Steve (over the phone): Did you do it?
Denzel (over the phone): Sure did, Steve. Woody is as good as dead by Saturday! I'll let you in on my plan. Fatass thinks I'm taking him boating in Stark's Pond. Little does he know, I'm really taking him boating on San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf.
Steve (over the phone): You are so cool, dude! I got a plan to dispose of Malloy on Saturday.
Denzel (over the phone): Really? Tell it to me....
Steve (over the phone): Let's just say, I'm going to play, "The Most Dangerous Game", and that swindler son of the bitch is the game!
Denzel (over the phone): What do you mean by that?
Steve (over the phone): I'm taking him hunting......the thing I'm killing is his sorry ass!
Denzel (over the phone): Ooooh, he's going to be the hunted, I get it! (giggles) Like it! Pretend he's Walter Palmer! That would be good motivation!
Steve (over the phone): Remember, dude. We can't let our wives know what we're doing.......
Denzel (over the phone): Know that, dwag. They'll never forgive us.
Connie walks by the master bedroom she shares with Denzel and notices he's on the phone.
Denzel (over the phone): OKay, Steve! Remember this Saturday.....(sees Connie in the doorway) We're going to go to the sports bar! Okay bye! (hangs up phone)
Connie: Who were you talking to on the phone?
Denzel: It was my friend, Steve.
Connie: Do you have anything planned this weekend?
Denzel: Why, yes. Him and I are going to a sports bar and watch some football. Is it okay if I go?
Connie: I never had a problem with you hanging out with your buddies. You're not a little kid, and I do not treat you as such.
Denzel: I'll be going now. When I get back, we'll have take out, so you don't need to make anything.
Connie: Bye, honey. Stay as long as you want.......
Denzel goes to meet Woody, and Steve goes to meet Malloy.
Scene 5:
At Hazelhurst harbor, Woody is anxiously pacing back and forth waiting for Denzel to arrive.
Woody (impatientely): Come on! Come on! When is this filthy stinkin.....
Denzel comes up from behind Woody and yells, 'boo'!
Woody (sees Denzel): BAHHH!! Godammit! What took you so long!
Denzel: Scared ya! Eh?! I'm here now, aren't I.
Woody: Yeah yeah. Whatever.
Denzel: Did you see me in Wimbledon?
Woody: Yes yes, I did. You played an awesome game.
Denzel: So, wanna go boating!
Woody (starstuck): Do I??!?!
Denzel: Then come follow me, and do everything I say.
Woody follows Denzel into his car.
Denzel: So, how long you've been a doctor?
Woody: Oh, about 13 years, I guess.
Denzel gets Woody into his car.
Woody: Just so we're clear on something. There's something you should know.
Denzel: All right. Tell me.
Woody: I only like whites. No one else.
Denzel (fearfully); Really? ha ha, of course you do. (blindfolds Woody)
Woody: Why am I blindfolded?
Denzel: It's going to be a surprise.
Woody: All right. Hope you're not taking me to San Francisco. That is the WORST place on Earth! Rather live in Afghanistan!
Denzel: You sure have a funny sense of humor. Very politically incorrect! Like that!
Woody: C'mon. Let's go to Stark's Pond and get out of hee-ya!
Denzel drives Woody to San Francisco without him knowing.
Woody: Are we still in Hazelhurst?
Denzel: Yes we are.
Woody: What's taking so long?
Denzel: There's a couple stops I have to make before we get to Hazelhurst Pond.
Woody: Hope we get there soon! Long rides make me impatient!
Denzel: Did anyone ever tell you that your ass is fatter than Nicki Minaj?
Woody: I'll have you know this beautiful bod right here? These pecs?! Courtesy of the millitary!
Denzel: I got a cruel sense of humor, too. Thought I'd prove it to you.
Woody: She has a hard time going up the stairs, had to have Rebel Wilson help her.....
A long ride it was. An hour and a half later, Denzel and Woody arrive at San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf, and Denzel gets on a boat with the still blindfolded Woody. Then Denzel drives the boat to the middle of the Pacific Ocean. It was nightfall so Woody believed he was at Stark's Pond and didn't know he was really in San Francisco.
Woody (smells the air): Smell that awesome pond air.
Denzel takes off the blindfold.
Woody: What a maginificent sight!
Denzel: Sure is. Gets better everytime I see it.
Woody: Did you hear Donald Trump's speech last night? Love his immigration policies. He wants to get Mexicans deported. He says they're full of disease, they're criminals....
Denzel (nervously laughs): Yeah, heh heh. He's getting my vote. (thinking) Dude, this fatass is racist. He deserves to die a horrible misterable death! But.....If he finds out I'm blackish I'm dead. Must not let down Steve and go through with this.
Woody: What Donald Trump should do is exterminate Mexicans! Like the Ghost Busters! Wouldn't that be funny! Mexican Busters! (laughs out loud) Can you see Trump sucking up Mexicans with that thing the Ghost Busters used? He should get rid of blacks, too!
Denzel sneaks up behind Woody with an oar and is ready to hit him overboard. Woody turns around and Denzel drops the oar.
Woody: What? Didn't like my joke.
Denzel: No, it was funny.
Woody: If you didn't like my joke, then that will prove to me you're a black. Or a hippie.
Denzel takes another opportunity to throw Woody overboard with an oar. But fails and Denzel drops the oar.
Woody: Hey, wait a minute......That was the second time you did that oar thing.....
Denzel (thinking): Holy shit, dude! He's onto me.
Woody: If I didn't know any better.....
Denzel: What are you getting at?
Woody: I've seen what you're doing, dude.
Denzel: What are you accusing me of?
Woody: You're doing a Talented Mr. Ripley thing on me, aren't you?
Denzel: No, I'm not. Where would you get an idea like that? You're paranoid..
Woody: You want to kill me so you can assume my indentity because you're a gay!
Denzel: No No No! Not true at all! I'm fucking married, dude!
Woody: You lured me here to kill me. And what to know what that tells me?
Denzel: What? What does it tell you?
Woody: You're jealous of me because of my American White Heritage.....That tells me...you're just like any other black! Thinking us whites are privledged! And we are!
Denzel: I ain't jealous of whites! I made something of myself! Tennis player! Blacks are awesome tennis players! Ever seen Venus or Serena Williams?
Woody (looks all around): This isn't the Hazelhurst lake. That explains the long ride! Which really pissed me off, by the way. This is really San Francisco! You took me to San Francisco to kill me! Trying to kill me in my least favorite place in the world! (points to Alcatraz) That's Alcatraz over there!
Denzel: Aww, man! You got it all wrong! I can't kill you, my wife will kick me out and I could go to prison. I don't want that.
Woody: Prepare to for an ass whopping, you fucking bastard!!!!!
Denzel and Woody get into a bloody, violent fight and Woody fell onto the boat motor and the boat drove at fast speeds and the boat crashes into Alcatraz.
Woody: Son of a bitch.
After the plan to try to kill Woody failed, Denzel and Woody swim on a raft that was left of the boat they used that crashed. Came back to Fisherman's Wharf, and drove back to South Park. Woody vows to never forgive Denzel.
Woody: I'll never forgive you for this, Denzel! NEVER!!!! You're on my shit list for LIFE!!!!!
Scene 6:
Meanwhile back in the South Park woods. Steve and Malloy are going hunting. Steve devises his plan to kill Malloy.
Steve: So, hunting is one of your favorite past times, huh?
Malloy: It's very fun.
Steve: Mine, too. My father who was Ranger of the Month before me liked to take me hunting.
Malloy: I grew up in the family of bears. But I broke away from them by going to college and becoming a banker. Still a bear at heart, though.
Steve: That's interesting. So, where do you want to start?
Malloy: Here is fine. Know these woods like the back of my hand.
Steve and Malloy were walking though the woods.
Malloy: Did you see Miley Cyrus at the MTV awards last night?
Steve: No, I don't watch that stuff. Too trashy for my taste.
Malloy: So you're a reality TV show producer?
Steve: Sure am. Now they want me to produce that Kardashians' Spin off, "I Am Cait". Hate how television has gone downhill.
Malloy: What do you mean television has gone downhill? It's better than ever. You should watch Orange is The New Black!
Steve: That's an internet show. On Netflix.
Malloy: I know it is. That is what I am saying. Television is better than ever now that you can watch it online. You should get Hulu and Netflix.
Steve then decides to knock off Malloy. Steve gets a deer outfit out of his suitcase.
Malloy: What's with the deer outfit.
Steve: We're going to play The Deer Hunter. I'll be Robert De Niro, and you be Christopher Walken. Hmmm, too bad we don't have mustard Twinkees....
Malloy: Sounds cool! Nothing I like more than hunting!
Steve watches Malloy as he puts on the deep outfit.
Malloy: Good idea you have here. We can attract a lot of deer like this.
Steve (takes out a gun and cocks it); Exactly....
Malloy starts running deep into the woods. And Steve gets ready to shoot.
Steve: You're going down, for fucking with my friend, Denzel! Forget Robert De Niro, I'm Dick Cheney!
As Malloy was still running around in the woods, Steve kept firing his rifle and failing to shoot Malloy.
Steve: What the hell? Who's the asshole that sold me this?
After a while, Malloy was still running around. Steve tries to shoot him some more but fails again.
Malloy: Wonder why he hasn't shot anything....it's like he actually shot Dick Cheney.
Steve: Dammit! The gun dealer told me this gun makes people expert marksmen.....
Malloy found the part of the woods where the deer hung out, and Steve climbs a tree hoping to get a better shot at Malloy.
Steve: You're mine, now.......
Malloy: I found some deer! Sooner you shoot their heads off the better!
Steve then takes his shot at Malloy and he shoots a tree that falls on Malloy.
Malloy: Uh, oh! SHIT!
The tree lands on Malloy, but he is okay. Steve thinks he's killed Malloy.
Steve: Oh, my God! I killed Malloy! I'm an awesome bastard!
Malloy gets up and rolls the shot down tree off of him.
Steve: WHAT?!?!?!!?
Malloy: This is a fun game, let's do this again, sometime.
Steve (dejectedly): Whatever.
Later on that day, Steve calls Denzel. To tell him their plans to kill Woody and Malloy have failed.
Steve (over the phone): Did you kill Woody.
Denzel (over the phone): Tried to, dwag. But it backfired......
Steve (over the phone): So did my plan. Malloy thought I was playing a fun game with him......
Denzel and Steve try to find other ways to kill Woody and Malloy. At Steve's house he was at his desk trying to strategize and Denzel was at a chalkboard in the basement of his house.
Scene 7:
At the Williams residence, Steve is at his desk looking for a way to kill off Malloy, and for Denzel to kill Woody in a clean sweep. Ethel enters his work room is what Steve likes to call it. It was past midnight. Steve and Denzel vowed to keep their plans to kill Woody and Malloy a secret.
Ethel: Hi, Steve. You coming to bed?
Steve: Yeah, in a minute.
Ethel: Why are you staying up so late in your work room?
Steve: Just pitching an idea for a new reality singing show. It's going to be an America's Got Talent clone. Which is what the public wants.
Ethel: America's Got Talent......isn't that with Adam Levine?
Steve: Yeah that's the one. He's so overrated. He's everywhere these days, like in those Acne Medicine commercials. He's like the new Ed McMahon.
Ethel: Next thing we'll know, Adam Levine be the face for Publishers Clearing House! (laughing)
Steve: Say, listen. Your birthday is coming up next week, isn't it?
Ethel: Why yes! Glad you remembered. And I got a great idea.
Steve: What do you have planned?
Ethel: How about we go on a double date with Denzel and Connie?
Steve: Sweet! Any clues on how should we spend it?
Ethel (shows Steve some tickets): We can go on a Murder Mystery Train Tour. It runs though Arizona, New Mexico and Nevada.
Steve: Awesome! I'll call Denzel and see if he's interested. Then I'll come to bed and make sweet love to you.
Ethel: Awwww, you've always been such a fanastic lover. That's why I fell in love with you in the first place.
Steve: Who knows? Maybe we'll even have sex on the train in private and you will finally be pregnant!
Ethel: Okay, we'll do! From now on, we'll try to get pregnant the old fashioned way instead of using drugs. We both know how that ended. Damned Woody....
Then Steve goes to call Denzel about the double date. Then he tells Denzel to let go of the plans they had to kill Woody and Malloy.
Steve (over the phone): Hey, Denzel. It's me, your pal, Steve. Would you and Connie like to go to a Murder Mystery Train Tour next weekend?.......You would? Cool! Kick ass! ........We can put our master plan on hold for now.......
Scene 8:
A week later, it was Ethel's birthday. Steve, Ethel, Connie, and Denzel were on the South Park Murder Mystery Train Tour. They were all sitting in with the rest of the passengers.
Steve: Happy Birthday my love!
Ethel: Thanks so much for this, Steve. This is exactly what we needed.
Denzel: It's fun to go on a couple's date, dude. Forget our troubles for a while.
Connie: Lets find out what the mystery will be.
Ethel: Maybe they will choose us to solve it.
Denzel (sitting cross armed): Perhaps we'll find out why we're in foreclosure......
The conductor comes into the room where the passengers are. Much to Steve's and Denzel's dismay, the conductor was Malloy Bear.
Malloy: Good afternoon, everybody!
Steve and Denzel try to keep their nervousness and their urges to kill a secret from their wives.
Malloy: A murder has been committed ladies and gentlemen.......and it's up to you all to solve it.
The passengers gasp.
Malloy: If you will all follow me this way, I will lead you to the first clue....
Steve, Ethel, Denzel, and Connie follow Malloy and the rest of the passengers do as well. Malloy leads everyone into a ballroom that had a stage in the back.
Malloy: This is the scene of the crime. While you all try to figure it out, allow me to present to you a Monkees cover band........The Dildos!
The Dildos came onto the stage. The lead singer was Eric Woody. Steve and Denzel didn't know it yet because they were way back. The other band members were Bobby Possumcods and Bodean. Bobby Possumcods played bass guitar. Bodean was on the drums.
Bodean: Hey, everyone! We're going to be your entertainment! We got a great show for you tonight. Badaddadadadadadadaadaadaadaadaadaaa......
Woody (slaps Bodean): Godammit Bodean! When you're in a band, you're supposed to be cool! Not talk so fast! Or else groupie girls won't want to fuck you!
Bodean: But, Woody, I.....
Woody: Stop acting like a lame-o retard! You're such an embarrasement! Good grief! (grabs his guitar)
Bobby Possumcods: Oh, leave him alone.
Woody: All right let's play. What song should we do hee-yah?
Bobby Possumcods: Let's do Valleri.
Woody: Good call, my fine black bass player.
Bobby Possumcods: My God, Woody, one of these days.. (shakes his fist at Woody).... getting sick of all these racial stereotypes of yours.....
The Dildos started to play The Monkees song 'Valleri'
Woody (singing): Vaaaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaa-llllariiiiiii! I love my, Vaaaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-llllariiiiii!
Steve and Ethel start to dance as does Denzel and Connie.
Woody (singing): There's a girl I know that makes me feel so good.......and I wouldn't live without her......
The song plays on as all the passengers were dancing.
Connie: How is this going to help us solve the mystery?
Denzel: It's all an act you know....
Connie: I know that.
Ethel: This was the song they played at our wedding, Steve.
Steve: Very romantic, dude. Brings back a lot of fond memories when we were first dating.
Ethel: Is this how we're going to look for clues? By dancing?
Steve: Guess we'll just have to wait and see what exactly the conductor wants us to do next.
The song is about to end. Then Woody, Bobby Possumcods, and Bodean start to play, "I'm Not Your Stepping Stone".
Woody (singing): I.I.I.I.I.I.I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone! I.I.I.I.I.I'm Not You're Stepping Stone!
Connie: I know. How about the four of us dance next to the stage.
Denzel: Kick ass, man!
Steve: That way we can hear the music better.
Ethel, Steve, Connie, and Denzel all go near the stage where The Dildos were playing.
Woody (singing): You're reading all those high fashion magazines....The clothes you're wearing girl are causing public scenes and I.I.I.I.I....
As the song played on, Steve and Denzel notice that the band leader was Woody.
Steve (whispers to Denzel): Over there! That's Woody!
Denzel (whispers to Steve and sees Woody): Son of a bitch! It IS that asswipe!
Steve (whispers to Denzel): We need to do something so our wives don't find out.....
Denzel (whispers to Steve): He's in a Monkees cover band? Oh, hell no, that is very fucked up! He told me he hated tree huggers. And their music was aimed at tree huggers. Why is he playing tree hugger music...
Steve (whispers to Denzel): No time to figure that out right now. I'll create a diversion.
Denzel dances with Connie and Steve takes off his shoe and throws it at Woody.
Woody (singing) When I first meet you girl you didn't have no...... OUCH!!!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!!
The music stops.
Woody (screaming into the microphone): Who the FUCK did that to me?!?!?!
The audience is quiet.
Ethel: What is this all about?
Woody: Who do you all think I am, a fallen Iraqi dicatator? (throws his guitar into the ballroom) Whoever did that, I'm gonna kick your ass and rip you out a new one. (runs off)
Steve and Denzel run off to get Woody.
Ethel: Where are you going?
Connie: What has happened? Is this part of the show?
Denzel: Stay right here, girls.
Steve: We have a mystery of our own to solve.
Denzel: We're going to find out who threw that shoe.
Ethel and Connie Steved by as their husbands run after Woody.
Scene 9 Conclusion:
Song: Theory of a Deadman's Angel Plays
Steve and Denzel go into the hallways of the train. They see Malloy Bear. And he blocks their path.
Malloy: There you are, you bastards! I am trying to run a tight business here.....
Denzel: I thought you were a bank teller? The one who foreclosed on us? Recall that fiasco?
Malloy: That's my day job. I am also a train conductor, too.
Steve: Where's Woody? He fucked with me and my wife....
Malloy; That's only for me to know and you to find out.
Woody runs up to Steve and Denzel.
Steve: There he is.
Woody: So you're the black asshole who threw that shoe at me?
Steve: Yes I did. Where do you come off calling yourself a doctor and giving people fake drugs?
Denzel: Yeah, dude! You're worst than Walter White.
Woody: As I recall, you tried to kill me in San Francisco you zippity doo daa bastard!
Malloy: You took me on a hunting trip and tried to kill me, too! Don't think I am stupid enough that you thought I wouldn't know you were trying to kill me.
Woody: Who's the real bad ones here?
Steve: We're not bad, you guys are! At least we're not con men!
Denzel: The only reason why we tried to kill you is because YOU were both the ones that fucking conned us! And to think we trusted you! Then we fell for your crazy ass schemes!
Malloy and Woody both bump into Steve and Denzel into dinner carts.
Woody: Here's your complementary dinner, dickheads! (laughs)
Steve and Denzel were both on the floor and they get up. They see a bazooka and a wooden mallet in glass boxes that have a sign that says, "In Case Of Emergency".
Denzel: Which one do you want?
Steve: The Mallet.
Denzel: I'll take the bazooka.
Steve and Denzel broke the glass and Steve got the Mallet and Denzel the Bazooka.
Denzel: Still recall our plan? I kill fatass, you kill Malloy!
Steve: Haven't forgotten, dude! Criss Cross! (high fives Denzel)
Denzel and Steve run around the train to track down Woody and Malloy.
Steve: This is like that Johnny Depp movie, Mortedaci! I'll clobber Malloy like with this mallet like he did in that movie.
Denzel: Movie deserved a lot more recognition than it got.
Armed with their weapons, Steve and Denzel run after Woody and Malloy.
Denzel: Come out come out...
Steve: Wherever you are.....
With no luck of finding them and no sign of them in sight, Steve and Denzel finally find Woody and Malloy opening a boxcar, trying to escape. The boxcar's couplings were a little loose.
Woody: You'll never take me alive, suckers!
Malloy: Great. Wasn't planning on getting my head blown off before a whore was about to give me a BJ.
Steve: Found you!
Denzel: Prepare to DIE!!!
Steve: You will never swindle or hornswaggle anyone again!
Malloy runs after Steve. As Malloy was about to attack Steve, he hits Malloy with a mallet decapatating him. Malloy's head comes off and it flies into the air leaving a bloody trail.
Steve: Sweet! Awesome!
Woody is about to jump off the train.
Denzel: Hold it right there. (aims bazooka at Woody)
Woody: Who are you supposed to be? Bazooka Jew? (laughs)
Denzel: You're not going to escape.
Woody: Oh, yeah, watch me....(about to jump from the boxcar)
Denzel: The one thing about my people is, we're a very vengeful kind.....
Woody: You won't kill me......
Denzel: Oh, yes I will. You messed with my friend Steve, and now we're going to fuck with you!
Woody: Go ahead and kill me. You will go to prison! The police will work day and night trying to find me. After all, I'm just an innocent gynceologist..
Denzel: No one will look for you in this hot Arizona desert......accept your fate.....you're about to become a rotting skeletal corpse, muthafucka!
Woody: If you're going to kill me do it already! You're almost as annoying as those vampires in Van Helsing!
Denzel: Not only did you screw with my friend, you insulted my black hertiage.....(aims bazooka at Woody's head) Eat shit, you fatass bastard!
Woody gets his head blown off in slow motion, and it explodes into a bloody mess as Denzel blew Woody's head clean off.
Steve: Awesome! Woody and Malloy are both dead!
Denzel: We did it! Got our revenge!
Ethel and Connie run up to Denzel and Steve.
Connie: There you guys are!
Ethel: Where have you been?
Connie: We've been looking all over for you.
Ethel: Did you find out who threw that shoe?
Connie and Ethel didn't notice the bloody mess and the loose boxcar.
Steve: Sorry, girls. Just had some business to take care of.
Denzel: Yep, it's done now.
Ethel: Can we please continue on with our date?
Steve: We sure can. Baby.
Denzel: No one will ever mess with us again.
Connie: What do you mean by that?
Steve and Denzel look at the bloody mess they made. They unhinged the boxcar Malloy and Woody were killed in and the boxcar crashed into the desert and exploded. Malloys corpse was in the boxcar and got incincerated. Woody's corpse was in the desert being eaten by vultures.
Steve: Oh, nothing.
Denzel: Let's just go.
Steve and Denzel have gotten away with murder. Nobody ever knew that Steve and Denzel killed Woody and Malloy. Joining their wives, Steve and Ethel along with Denzel and Connie enjoy the Murder Mystery Train Tour. In the days to come,
Ethel: Guess what Steve?
Steve: What is it!
Ethel shows Steve a positive pregnancy test!
Steve: I'm going to be a father! All right! Can't wait to tell Denzel and Connie
Ethel: So glad we made love on that Murder Mystery Train after that ballroom concert.
Steve: Not only that, they're going to do my College Professor reality show!
Everything was fine and good as Steve was thrilled Ethel was finally pregnant. Connie and Denzel got their house back from the Brickleberry National Bank.
Denzel goes to the door, and it was Kuziak.
Kuziak: Here's the deed to your house back. And all your money, too.
Denzel is pleased that Kuziak gave him the deed to their house and their money.
Connie: Did you find out Malloy Bear had stolen from us?
Kuziak: Yes we did. We did some investigating, and we found all your money and the deed in this vault. Have a nice day.
Denzel: We can finally move on!
Connie: I'll say! When is your next Tennis Tourament?
Denzel: I'm playing at the French Open!
Connie: Things are looking better all the time. (hugs Denzel)
After finding out Malloy really did steal their money from them. Denzel and Connie got their house back. Steve's reality show 'The College Professor' proved a huge success. Denzel got to play in the French Open. Malloy's and Woody's corpses were never found. Nor did notice they were gone, and nobody cared to look for them.
Scene changes. Malloy appears turning off a DVD player. Malloy is now in Woody's office.
Malloy: Me being a bad guy was pretty fucking badass! Always knew I'd make a better villain than Heath Ledger as the Joker. Denzel and Connie married? Ha! Not in this universe. Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Malloy's Horror Theater! Until next time. Suck my cock!
THE END
Don't like South Park anymore. Gave up on the show because I think it's gone on long enough. Brickleberry was a MUCH better show that deserved to last for years to come. Damn Comedy Central for cancelling such a gem of a show. Brickleberry had so much potential to be Comedy Central's next big thing. Yet South Park keeps on lingering.
Let the fanfic begin!
Brickleberry
Fanfic Title:
Train Is Mightier Than The Sword
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
On the outskirts of Brickleberry there was the town of Hazelhurst. Steve Williams who is a reality TV show producer is at the gynecologists's office with his wife Ethel. They are both wondering why Ethel never got pregnant. They want to ask the gynecologist about the fertility pills Ethel was taking and why the pills haven't worked. Their gynecologist was Eric Woody.
Ethel: Hope the doctor can give us some answers. Want to have a baby so badly.
Steve: As do I, Ethel my love.
While they were waiting a long time in Woody's office, Steve decides to talk about his work.
Steve: Pitched a pilot for a new reality series.
Ethel: That's wonderful. Did it go through? What was it about?
Steve: Wanted to do one where college students to strive to pass their classes, then have to impress a dean so they can work in the jobs of their choices....Something inspiring and intellegent for once....
Ethel: Did the producers like it?
Steve: Not at all, I'm afraid. (facepalms) The Reality TV industry all it wants is pranks, singing shows, talent contests, and people doing humiliating things for 15 minutes of fame......either that or some rich family who's famous for doing nothing, or some religious trailer trash familes and one of the members turns out to be a rapist.
Ethel: That's total bullshit. That sounded like a really good idea. Something good for once.
Steve and Ethel both hear Woody approaching.
Ethel: Here he comes. shhhhhh.
Woody walks into the room and sits at his desk.
Steve: OKay, man. We want straight up answers.
Ethel: Why hasn't my fertility pills worked? Should be pregnant by now.
Woody: Hmmmm, fertility pills are the problem, ehhhh.
Steve (frustated): Well, duh! That's why the fuck we're here!
Ethel: You're the doctor. Tell us what the problem is.
Woody: The pills aren't working that's a quandry. If I had to make an educated guess.....The reason why you're not getting pregnant is because maybe you're not pleasuring your wife enough....
Ethel: If that's the case what do you suggest?
Woody: Try doing some sexual positions. Ever consider doing the Missionairy Position or a Hot Carl?
Steve (angerly): Don't even know what the hell that means!
Ethel: What does that have to do with the pills?
Woody: Since the pills I prescribed aren't working, thought maybe you can try that approach!
Steve: So you think doing kinky things is going to work?
Ethel: Are you even a doctor?
Woody(laughs): Can't believe you guys thought I was a real gynecologist!
Steve: You mean......
Woody(laughs): I'm a doctor all right! I'm a professor in comedy! (laughs) I mastered in pranks and minored in morality! (laughs)
Steve and Ethel get very angry at Woody.
Ethel: Suppose these pills are fake, too, huh?
Woody: They're really placebos! (laughs) In fact they're not even placebos....eat one.
Then Woody hands Steve and Ethel the fake fertility pills. Steve bits into the pills and Ethel does the same. Then they both find out it was really candy.
Ethel: Oh, my gosh! How could we have been so stupid!!!
Steve: Holy shit, dude! You've been giving us.....
Woody: It's candy! (laughs) You fell for it big!! Really gave you candy! You will never have kids!
Steve: What medical school did you go to? That I'd like to know....
Woody(laughs): Gone to Medical School all right...... Went to the School of Hard Knocks! (cracks up) You guys.....so gullible!
Steve: So, you're really a con man?
Woody: Sure am! Now get the fuck out of my office or you'll be forced to kiss my balls!
Ethel: Can't believe we wasted all our time on you! Thinking you can get us pregnant!
Steve: You have no respect for people at all! (shakes his fist Woody) If you were a real doctor, we'd sue your ass for malpractice!
Ethel: Let's get out of here. The nerve of that guy! He was our last resort......
Woody: You better not reveal my secret that I am not really a real doctor.....
Steve and Ethel both leave the gynecologist office in disdain.
Woody(evilly laughs): Can't believe they fell for all that!
Scene 2:
Meanwhile, at the Brickleberry National Bank, tennis player Denzel Jackson and his wife Connie were at the bank with their broker Malloy Bear.
Denzel: Just came back from Wimbledon. We played a great game, but I didn't win though.
Connie: That's okay. There's always other times.
Malloy: So, what brings you in my office today?
Denzel: We're here to pay my mortgage for the house.
Connie (hands Malloy the check): The check is right here.
Denzel: Good thing we're rich because we always pay on time...
Malloy: Thanks for paying. And making Brickleberry National Bank your prefered Choice in Home Loans.
Denzel: Always knew to have faith in you dude. Love it when you say that.
Malloy (goes over the computer files): Hate to tell you this. But the bank owns your house now....
Connie: What do you mean?
Denzel: Yeah, dude. We always pay our bills.
Malloy: According to your records, you haven't been paying off your loan.
Connie: Of course we have! There must be some mistake.....
Malloy: Doesn't matter if you do pay your bills and mortgage or you don't. Also, the real reason you're in debt because of the loan you have taken out 15 years ago.
Denzel: So that's the cause of it! Son of a bitch.
Malloy: You're both in foreclosure. You better pack up and downsize now.
Connie: That's not true. We paid that loan off long ago with Denzel's hard earned money. Something tells me you're conning us.
Denzel: When we bought our house, we hired you as our banker because we thought we can trust you.
Malloy: I am not a con, this isn't a joke. You're both in debt, you're going to lose your house. End of story.
Denzel: Hope somebody kicks your sorry ass someday. It may not be today, dude. So get ready. Someday you're going to get it.
Connie: That's right. My husband is a black and don't ever cross him!!
Malloy: I'll remember that the next time you come here.
Denzel: We're onto you!
Malloy: You both are the problem here. These debts you all own on your house are both your faults entirely. Have nothing to do with it.
Connie and Denzel go back home. Malloy goes to the bank vault and jumps into all the money he stole from Denzel and Connie. Both Denzel and Connie were right. Malloy really was stealing their money from them.
Malloy: Woo Hoo! Talk about an Indecent Proposal!
Scene 3:
The next week, Steve and Denzel were on a train headed to work. Steve was going to the studio to produce a reality TV show and Denzel was going to a Tennis Court to practice for his next big game. Denzel notices Steve is depressed.
Steve: Here I go. Off to produce the same shit for reality TV. That's what the people want.
Denzel: What's eating you, Steve?
Steve: My wife's gynecologist Woody played us for fools!
Denzel: You're telling me. My wife Connie and I are in foreclosure.
Steve: Won't believe what happened to us.
Denzel: You first.
Steve: Woody prescribed us these fertility pills and they didn't even work. Then we find out he was really giving us placebos. To add insult to injury, he revealed even a real doctor! He was a fraud! You haven't heard the worst part. Those pills turned out to be CANDY!!!!!
Denzel: Oh, hell no. You have my deepest sympathies. Here's my story. My wife and I are moving out because we're in foreclosure. All because we hired a banker we thought we trusted for years. We even confronted him that we think he might be a con man, but he denied it and made us feel like it was our fault we are losing our house.
Steve: Sounds like a Bernie Madoff type.
Denzel: Yes, dude! Exactly. (snaps his fingers and points to Steve)
Steve: Woody pissed me off so bad, wish we could do something very drastic.
Denzel: I ought to do the same with that banker of ours, Malloy.
Steve: It would be cool to waste them, dude. Only problem is.....our enemies who we thought were our friends know us.
Denzel: Say we kill them anyway!
Steve: Yes, but how....
Denzel: Got it!
Steve: What's the plan?
Denzel: How about I lure Woody into a trap, and you can do the same to Malloy!
Steve: Love it!
Denzel: I'll kill Woody! And you can kill Malloy!
Steve: It's the perfect crime! Malloy don't know me. And Woody don't know you!
Denzel: That's right! It will be a fucking criss cross!
Steve: Like the sound of that! Criss Cross!
Denzel: Criss Cross!
Steve: Criss Cross!
Denzel and Steve then orchestrate a plan to lure Woody and Malloy to their deaths.
Steve (hands Denzel a paper): Here's Woody's phone number.
Denzel (hands Steve a paper): This is the number to the Brickleberry National Bank.
The train gets off at the TV Studio and Steve goes to work. Eventually Denzel gets off at the Tennis Court. Both are feeling hopeful that their plans will work.
Scene 4:
That following weekend, Steve and Denzel decide to put their plans into motion. Denzel was on the phone with Woody.
Denzel (talking to Woody via phone): Hey, Man! Dr. Woody Johnson, today is your lucky day.
Woody (over the phone): Wow! Did I win anything?
Denzel: (over the phone) : You get to hang out with a famous tennis player, me! Denzel Jackson!
Woody (over the phone): GREAT!
Denzel (over the phone); What is something you like to do for fun?
Woody (over the phone): I like to go boating. In Hazelhurst Pond.
Denzel (over the phone): What do you say, this Saturday, you and I go boating in Hazelhurst Pond?
Woody (over the phone): I'll be there!
Denzel (over the phone): It's settled. Meet me at Hazelhurst harbor and I'll see you then.
Woody (over the phone): I know where that is. Won't miss this opportunity to hang out with a famous sports player!
Denzel (over the phone): See you Saturday, bye!
Woody (over the phone): Bye! (hangs up phone and jumps up and down): YAY!!!! YAY!!!!! YAY!!!! Going to spend some time with Denzel Jackson a famous tennis player! Much better than the time when I won a dinner at Benekins with Adrian Peterson.....And even better than that time when I was stuck in an elevator with Ray Rice.
Back at Denzel's house, when he hangs up the phone, another call comes though and Denzel answers it, and it's Steve on the other end.
Steve (over the phone): Did you do it?
Denzel (over the phone): Sure did, Steve. Woody is as good as dead by Saturday! I'll let you in on my plan. Fatass thinks I'm taking him boating in Stark's Pond. Little does he know, I'm really taking him boating on San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf.
Steve (over the phone): You are so cool, dude! I got a plan to dispose of Malloy on Saturday.
Denzel (over the phone): Really? Tell it to me....
Steve (over the phone): Let's just say, I'm going to play, "The Most Dangerous Game", and that swindler son of the bitch is the game!
Denzel (over the phone): What do you mean by that?
Steve (over the phone): I'm taking him hunting......the thing I'm killing is his sorry ass!
Denzel (over the phone): Ooooh, he's going to be the hunted, I get it! (giggles) Like it! Pretend he's Walter Palmer! That would be good motivation!
Steve (over the phone): Remember, dude. We can't let our wives know what we're doing.......
Denzel (over the phone): Know that, dwag. They'll never forgive us.
Connie walks by the master bedroom she shares with Denzel and notices he's on the phone.
Denzel (over the phone): OKay, Steve! Remember this Saturday.....(sees Connie in the doorway) We're going to go to the sports bar! Okay bye! (hangs up phone)
Connie: Who were you talking to on the phone?
Denzel: It was my friend, Steve.
Connie: Do you have anything planned this weekend?
Denzel: Why, yes. Him and I are going to a sports bar and watch some football. Is it okay if I go?
Connie: I never had a problem with you hanging out with your buddies. You're not a little kid, and I do not treat you as such.
Denzel: I'll be going now. When I get back, we'll have take out, so you don't need to make anything.
Connie: Bye, honey. Stay as long as you want.......
Denzel goes to meet Woody, and Steve goes to meet Malloy.
Scene 5:
At Hazelhurst harbor, Woody is anxiously pacing back and forth waiting for Denzel to arrive.
Woody (impatientely): Come on! Come on! When is this filthy stinkin.....
Denzel comes up from behind Woody and yells, 'boo'!
Woody (sees Denzel): BAHHH!! Godammit! What took you so long!
Denzel: Scared ya! Eh?! I'm here now, aren't I.
Woody: Yeah yeah. Whatever.
Denzel: Did you see me in Wimbledon?
Woody: Yes yes, I did. You played an awesome game.
Denzel: So, wanna go boating!
Woody (starstuck): Do I??!?!
Denzel: Then come follow me, and do everything I say.
Woody follows Denzel into his car.
Denzel: So, how long you've been a doctor?
Woody: Oh, about 13 years, I guess.
Denzel gets Woody into his car.
Woody: Just so we're clear on something. There's something you should know.
Denzel: All right. Tell me.
Woody: I only like whites. No one else.
Denzel (fearfully); Really? ha ha, of course you do. (blindfolds Woody)
Woody: Why am I blindfolded?
Denzel: It's going to be a surprise.
Woody: All right. Hope you're not taking me to San Francisco. That is the WORST place on Earth! Rather live in Afghanistan!
Denzel: You sure have a funny sense of humor. Very politically incorrect! Like that!
Woody: C'mon. Let's go to Stark's Pond and get out of hee-ya!
Denzel drives Woody to San Francisco without him knowing.
Woody: Are we still in Hazelhurst?
Denzel: Yes we are.
Woody: What's taking so long?
Denzel: There's a couple stops I have to make before we get to Hazelhurst Pond.
Woody: Hope we get there soon! Long rides make me impatient!
Denzel: Did anyone ever tell you that your ass is fatter than Nicki Minaj?
Woody: I'll have you know this beautiful bod right here? These pecs?! Courtesy of the millitary!
Denzel: I got a cruel sense of humor, too. Thought I'd prove it to you.
Woody: She has a hard time going up the stairs, had to have Rebel Wilson help her.....
A long ride it was. An hour and a half later, Denzel and Woody arrive at San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf, and Denzel gets on a boat with the still blindfolded Woody. Then Denzel drives the boat to the middle of the Pacific Ocean. It was nightfall so Woody believed he was at Stark's Pond and didn't know he was really in San Francisco.
Woody (smells the air): Smell that awesome pond air.
Denzel takes off the blindfold.
Woody: What a maginificent sight!
Denzel: Sure is. Gets better everytime I see it.
Woody: Did you hear Donald Trump's speech last night? Love his immigration policies. He wants to get Mexicans deported. He says they're full of disease, they're criminals....
Denzel (nervously laughs): Yeah, heh heh. He's getting my vote. (thinking) Dude, this fatass is racist. He deserves to die a horrible misterable death! But.....If he finds out I'm blackish I'm dead. Must not let down Steve and go through with this.
Woody: What Donald Trump should do is exterminate Mexicans! Like the Ghost Busters! Wouldn't that be funny! Mexican Busters! (laughs out loud) Can you see Trump sucking up Mexicans with that thing the Ghost Busters used? He should get rid of blacks, too!
Denzel sneaks up behind Woody with an oar and is ready to hit him overboard. Woody turns around and Denzel drops the oar.
Woody: What? Didn't like my joke.
Denzel: No, it was funny.
Woody: If you didn't like my joke, then that will prove to me you're a black. Or a hippie.
Denzel takes another opportunity to throw Woody overboard with an oar. But fails and Denzel drops the oar.
Woody: Hey, wait a minute......That was the second time you did that oar thing.....
Denzel (thinking): Holy shit, dude! He's onto me.
Woody: If I didn't know any better.....
Denzel: What are you getting at?
Woody: I've seen what you're doing, dude.
Denzel: What are you accusing me of?
Woody: You're doing a Talented Mr. Ripley thing on me, aren't you?
Denzel: No, I'm not. Where would you get an idea like that? You're paranoid..
Woody: You want to kill me so you can assume my indentity because you're a gay!
Denzel: No No No! Not true at all! I'm fucking married, dude!
Woody: You lured me here to kill me. And what to know what that tells me?
Denzel: What? What does it tell you?
Woody: You're jealous of me because of my American White Heritage.....That tells me...you're just like any other black! Thinking us whites are privledged! And we are!
Denzel: I ain't jealous of whites! I made something of myself! Tennis player! Blacks are awesome tennis players! Ever seen Venus or Serena Williams?
Woody (looks all around): This isn't the Hazelhurst lake. That explains the long ride! Which really pissed me off, by the way. This is really San Francisco! You took me to San Francisco to kill me! Trying to kill me in my least favorite place in the world! (points to Alcatraz) That's Alcatraz over there!
Denzel: Aww, man! You got it all wrong! I can't kill you, my wife will kick me out and I could go to prison. I don't want that.
Woody: Prepare to for an ass whopping, you fucking bastard!!!!!
Denzel and Woody get into a bloody, violent fight and Woody fell onto the boat motor and the boat drove at fast speeds and the boat crashes into Alcatraz.
Woody: Son of a bitch.
After the plan to try to kill Woody failed, Denzel and Woody swim on a raft that was left of the boat they used that crashed. Came back to Fisherman's Wharf, and drove back to South Park. Woody vows to never forgive Denzel.
Woody: I'll never forgive you for this, Denzel! NEVER!!!! You're on my shit list for LIFE!!!!!
Scene 6:
Meanwhile back in the South Park woods. Steve and Malloy are going hunting. Steve devises his plan to kill Malloy.
Steve: So, hunting is one of your favorite past times, huh?
Malloy: It's very fun.
Steve: Mine, too. My father who was Ranger of the Month before me liked to take me hunting.
Malloy: I grew up in the family of bears. But I broke away from them by going to college and becoming a banker. Still a bear at heart, though.
Steve: That's interesting. So, where do you want to start?
Malloy: Here is fine. Know these woods like the back of my hand.
Steve and Malloy were walking though the woods.
Malloy: Did you see Miley Cyrus at the MTV awards last night?
Steve: No, I don't watch that stuff. Too trashy for my taste.
Malloy: So you're a reality TV show producer?
Steve: Sure am. Now they want me to produce that Kardashians' Spin off, "I Am Cait". Hate how television has gone downhill.
Malloy: What do you mean television has gone downhill? It's better than ever. You should watch Orange is The New Black!
Steve: That's an internet show. On Netflix.
Malloy: I know it is. That is what I am saying. Television is better than ever now that you can watch it online. You should get Hulu and Netflix.
Steve then decides to knock off Malloy. Steve gets a deer outfit out of his suitcase.
Malloy: What's with the deer outfit.
Steve: We're going to play The Deer Hunter. I'll be Robert De Niro, and you be Christopher Walken. Hmmm, too bad we don't have mustard Twinkees....
Malloy: Sounds cool! Nothing I like more than hunting!
Steve watches Malloy as he puts on the deep outfit.
Malloy: Good idea you have here. We can attract a lot of deer like this.
Steve (takes out a gun and cocks it); Exactly....
Malloy starts running deep into the woods. And Steve gets ready to shoot.
Steve: You're going down, for fucking with my friend, Denzel! Forget Robert De Niro, I'm Dick Cheney!
As Malloy was still running around in the woods, Steve kept firing his rifle and failing to shoot Malloy.
Steve: What the hell? Who's the asshole that sold me this?
After a while, Malloy was still running around. Steve tries to shoot him some more but fails again.
Malloy: Wonder why he hasn't shot anything....it's like he actually shot Dick Cheney.
Steve: Dammit! The gun dealer told me this gun makes people expert marksmen.....
Malloy found the part of the woods where the deer hung out, and Steve climbs a tree hoping to get a better shot at Malloy.
Steve: You're mine, now.......
Malloy: I found some deer! Sooner you shoot their heads off the better!
Steve then takes his shot at Malloy and he shoots a tree that falls on Malloy.
Malloy: Uh, oh! SHIT!
The tree lands on Malloy, but he is okay. Steve thinks he's killed Malloy.
Steve: Oh, my God! I killed Malloy! I'm an awesome bastard!
Malloy gets up and rolls the shot down tree off of him.
Steve: WHAT?!?!?!!?
Malloy: This is a fun game, let's do this again, sometime.
Steve (dejectedly): Whatever.
Later on that day, Steve calls Denzel. To tell him their plans to kill Woody and Malloy have failed.
Steve (over the phone): Did you kill Woody.
Denzel (over the phone): Tried to, dwag. But it backfired......
Steve (over the phone): So did my plan. Malloy thought I was playing a fun game with him......
Denzel and Steve try to find other ways to kill Woody and Malloy. At Steve's house he was at his desk trying to strategize and Denzel was at a chalkboard in the basement of his house.
Scene 7:
At the Williams residence, Steve is at his desk looking for a way to kill off Malloy, and for Denzel to kill Woody in a clean sweep. Ethel enters his work room is what Steve likes to call it. It was past midnight. Steve and Denzel vowed to keep their plans to kill Woody and Malloy a secret.
Ethel: Hi, Steve. You coming to bed?
Steve: Yeah, in a minute.
Ethel: Why are you staying up so late in your work room?
Steve: Just pitching an idea for a new reality singing show. It's going to be an America's Got Talent clone. Which is what the public wants.
Ethel: America's Got Talent......isn't that with Adam Levine?
Steve: Yeah that's the one. He's so overrated. He's everywhere these days, like in those Acne Medicine commercials. He's like the new Ed McMahon.
Ethel: Next thing we'll know, Adam Levine be the face for Publishers Clearing House! (laughing)
Steve: Say, listen. Your birthday is coming up next week, isn't it?
Ethel: Why yes! Glad you remembered. And I got a great idea.
Steve: What do you have planned?
Ethel: How about we go on a double date with Denzel and Connie?
Steve: Sweet! Any clues on how should we spend it?
Ethel (shows Steve some tickets): We can go on a Murder Mystery Train Tour. It runs though Arizona, New Mexico and Nevada.
Steve: Awesome! I'll call Denzel and see if he's interested. Then I'll come to bed and make sweet love to you.
Ethel: Awwww, you've always been such a fanastic lover. That's why I fell in love with you in the first place.
Steve: Who knows? Maybe we'll even have sex on the train in private and you will finally be pregnant!
Ethel: Okay, we'll do! From now on, we'll try to get pregnant the old fashioned way instead of using drugs. We both know how that ended. Damned Woody....
Then Steve goes to call Denzel about the double date. Then he tells Denzel to let go of the plans they had to kill Woody and Malloy.
Steve (over the phone): Hey, Denzel. It's me, your pal, Steve. Would you and Connie like to go to a Murder Mystery Train Tour next weekend?.......You would? Cool! Kick ass! ........We can put our master plan on hold for now.......
Scene 8:
A week later, it was Ethel's birthday. Steve, Ethel, Connie, and Denzel were on the South Park Murder Mystery Train Tour. They were all sitting in with the rest of the passengers.
Steve: Happy Birthday my love!
Ethel: Thanks so much for this, Steve. This is exactly what we needed.
Denzel: It's fun to go on a couple's date, dude. Forget our troubles for a while.
Connie: Lets find out what the mystery will be.
Ethel: Maybe they will choose us to solve it.
Denzel (sitting cross armed): Perhaps we'll find out why we're in foreclosure......
The conductor comes into the room where the passengers are. Much to Steve's and Denzel's dismay, the conductor was Malloy Bear.
Malloy: Good afternoon, everybody!
Steve and Denzel try to keep their nervousness and their urges to kill a secret from their wives.
Malloy: A murder has been committed ladies and gentlemen.......and it's up to you all to solve it.
The passengers gasp.
Malloy: If you will all follow me this way, I will lead you to the first clue....
Steve, Ethel, Denzel, and Connie follow Malloy and the rest of the passengers do as well. Malloy leads everyone into a ballroom that had a stage in the back.
Malloy: This is the scene of the crime. While you all try to figure it out, allow me to present to you a Monkees cover band........The Dildos!
The Dildos came onto the stage. The lead singer was Eric Woody. Steve and Denzel didn't know it yet because they were way back. The other band members were Bobby Possumcods and Bodean. Bobby Possumcods played bass guitar. Bodean was on the drums.
Bodean: Hey, everyone! We're going to be your entertainment! We got a great show for you tonight. Badaddadadadadadadaadaadaadaadaadaaa......
Woody (slaps Bodean): Godammit Bodean! When you're in a band, you're supposed to be cool! Not talk so fast! Or else groupie girls won't want to fuck you!
Bodean: But, Woody, I.....
Woody: Stop acting like a lame-o retard! You're such an embarrasement! Good grief! (grabs his guitar)
Bobby Possumcods: Oh, leave him alone.
Woody: All right let's play. What song should we do hee-yah?
Bobby Possumcods: Let's do Valleri.
Woody: Good call, my fine black bass player.
Bobby Possumcods: My God, Woody, one of these days.. (shakes his fist at Woody).... getting sick of all these racial stereotypes of yours.....
The Dildos started to play The Monkees song 'Valleri'
Woody (singing): Vaaaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaa-llllariiiiiii! I love my, Vaaaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-llllariiiiii!
Steve and Ethel start to dance as does Denzel and Connie.
Woody (singing): There's a girl I know that makes me feel so good.......and I wouldn't live without her......
The song plays on as all the passengers were dancing.
Connie: How is this going to help us solve the mystery?
Denzel: It's all an act you know....
Connie: I know that.
Ethel: This was the song they played at our wedding, Steve.
Steve: Very romantic, dude. Brings back a lot of fond memories when we were first dating.
Ethel: Is this how we're going to look for clues? By dancing?
Steve: Guess we'll just have to wait and see what exactly the conductor wants us to do next.
The song is about to end. Then Woody, Bobby Possumcods, and Bodean start to play, "I'm Not Your Stepping Stone".
Woody (singing): I.I.I.I.I.I.I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone! I.I.I.I.I.I'm Not You're Stepping Stone!
Connie: I know. How about the four of us dance next to the stage.
Denzel: Kick ass, man!
Steve: That way we can hear the music better.
Ethel, Steve, Connie, and Denzel all go near the stage where The Dildos were playing.
Woody (singing): You're reading all those high fashion magazines....The clothes you're wearing girl are causing public scenes and I.I.I.I.I....
As the song played on, Steve and Denzel notice that the band leader was Woody.
Steve (whispers to Denzel): Over there! That's Woody!
Denzel (whispers to Steve and sees Woody): Son of a bitch! It IS that asswipe!
Steve (whispers to Denzel): We need to do something so our wives don't find out.....
Denzel (whispers to Steve): He's in a Monkees cover band? Oh, hell no, that is very fucked up! He told me he hated tree huggers. And their music was aimed at tree huggers. Why is he playing tree hugger music...
Steve (whispers to Denzel): No time to figure that out right now. I'll create a diversion.
Denzel dances with Connie and Steve takes off his shoe and throws it at Woody.
Woody (singing) When I first meet you girl you didn't have no...... OUCH!!!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!!
The music stops.
Woody (screaming into the microphone): Who the FUCK did that to me?!?!?!
The audience is quiet.
Ethel: What is this all about?
Woody: Who do you all think I am, a fallen Iraqi dicatator? (throws his guitar into the ballroom) Whoever did that, I'm gonna kick your ass and rip you out a new one. (runs off)
Steve and Denzel run off to get Woody.
Ethel: Where are you going?
Connie: What has happened? Is this part of the show?
Denzel: Stay right here, girls.
Steve: We have a mystery of our own to solve.
Denzel: We're going to find out who threw that shoe.
Ethel and Connie Steved by as their husbands run after Woody.
Scene 9 Conclusion:
Song: Theory of a Deadman's Angel Plays
Steve and Denzel go into the hallways of the train. They see Malloy Bear. And he blocks their path.
Malloy: There you are, you bastards! I am trying to run a tight business here.....
Denzel: I thought you were a bank teller? The one who foreclosed on us? Recall that fiasco?
Malloy: That's my day job. I am also a train conductor, too.
Steve: Where's Woody? He fucked with me and my wife....
Malloy; That's only for me to know and you to find out.
Woody runs up to Steve and Denzel.
Steve: There he is.
Woody: So you're the black asshole who threw that shoe at me?
Steve: Yes I did. Where do you come off calling yourself a doctor and giving people fake drugs?
Denzel: Yeah, dude! You're worst than Walter White.
Woody: As I recall, you tried to kill me in San Francisco you zippity doo daa bastard!
Malloy: You took me on a hunting trip and tried to kill me, too! Don't think I am stupid enough that you thought I wouldn't know you were trying to kill me.
Woody: Who's the real bad ones here?
Steve: We're not bad, you guys are! At least we're not con men!
Denzel: The only reason why we tried to kill you is because YOU were both the ones that fucking conned us! And to think we trusted you! Then we fell for your crazy ass schemes!
Malloy and Woody both bump into Steve and Denzel into dinner carts.
Woody: Here's your complementary dinner, dickheads! (laughs)
Steve and Denzel were both on the floor and they get up. They see a bazooka and a wooden mallet in glass boxes that have a sign that says, "In Case Of Emergency".
Denzel: Which one do you want?
Steve: The Mallet.
Denzel: I'll take the bazooka.
Steve and Denzel broke the glass and Steve got the Mallet and Denzel the Bazooka.
Denzel: Still recall our plan? I kill fatass, you kill Malloy!
Steve: Haven't forgotten, dude! Criss Cross! (high fives Denzel)
Denzel and Steve run around the train to track down Woody and Malloy.
Steve: This is like that Johnny Depp movie, Mortedaci! I'll clobber Malloy like with this mallet like he did in that movie.
Denzel: Movie deserved a lot more recognition than it got.
Armed with their weapons, Steve and Denzel run after Woody and Malloy.
Denzel: Come out come out...
Steve: Wherever you are.....
With no luck of finding them and no sign of them in sight, Steve and Denzel finally find Woody and Malloy opening a boxcar, trying to escape. The boxcar's couplings were a little loose.
Woody: You'll never take me alive, suckers!
Malloy: Great. Wasn't planning on getting my head blown off before a whore was about to give me a BJ.
Steve: Found you!
Denzel: Prepare to DIE!!!
Steve: You will never swindle or hornswaggle anyone again!
Malloy runs after Steve. As Malloy was about to attack Steve, he hits Malloy with a mallet decapatating him. Malloy's head comes off and it flies into the air leaving a bloody trail.
Steve: Sweet! Awesome!
Woody is about to jump off the train.
Denzel: Hold it right there. (aims bazooka at Woody)
Woody: Who are you supposed to be? Bazooka Jew? (laughs)
Denzel: You're not going to escape.
Woody: Oh, yeah, watch me....(about to jump from the boxcar)
Denzel: The one thing about my people is, we're a very vengeful kind.....
Woody: You won't kill me......
Denzel: Oh, yes I will. You messed with my friend Steve, and now we're going to fuck with you!
Woody: Go ahead and kill me. You will go to prison! The police will work day and night trying to find me. After all, I'm just an innocent gynceologist..
Denzel: No one will look for you in this hot Arizona desert......accept your fate.....you're about to become a rotting skeletal corpse, muthafucka!
Woody: If you're going to kill me do it already! You're almost as annoying as those vampires in Van Helsing!
Denzel: Not only did you screw with my friend, you insulted my black hertiage.....(aims bazooka at Woody's head) Eat shit, you fatass bastard!
Woody gets his head blown off in slow motion, and it explodes into a bloody mess as Denzel blew Woody's head clean off.
Steve: Awesome! Woody and Malloy are both dead!
Denzel: We did it! Got our revenge!
Ethel and Connie run up to Denzel and Steve.
Connie: There you guys are!
Ethel: Where have you been?
Connie: We've been looking all over for you.
Ethel: Did you find out who threw that shoe?
Connie and Ethel didn't notice the bloody mess and the loose boxcar.
Steve: Sorry, girls. Just had some business to take care of.
Denzel: Yep, it's done now.
Ethel: Can we please continue on with our date?
Steve: We sure can. Baby.
Denzel: No one will ever mess with us again.
Connie: What do you mean by that?
Steve and Denzel look at the bloody mess they made. They unhinged the boxcar Malloy and Woody were killed in and the boxcar crashed into the desert and exploded. Malloys corpse was in the boxcar and got incincerated. Woody's corpse was in the desert being eaten by vultures.
Steve: Oh, nothing.
Denzel: Let's just go.
Steve and Denzel have gotten away with murder. Nobody ever knew that Steve and Denzel killed Woody and Malloy. Joining their wives, Steve and Ethel along with Denzel and Connie enjoy the Murder Mystery Train Tour. In the days to come,
Ethel: Guess what Steve?
Steve: What is it!
Ethel shows Steve a positive pregnancy test!
Steve: I'm going to be a father! All right! Can't wait to tell Denzel and Connie
Ethel: So glad we made love on that Murder Mystery Train after that ballroom concert.
Steve: Not only that, they're going to do my College Professor reality show!
Everything was fine and good as Steve was thrilled Ethel was finally pregnant. Connie and Denzel got their house back from the Brickleberry National Bank.
Denzel goes to the door, and it was Kuziak.
Kuziak: Here's the deed to your house back. And all your money, too.
Denzel is pleased that Kuziak gave him the deed to their house and their money.
Connie: Did you find out Malloy Bear had stolen from us?
Kuziak: Yes we did. We did some investigating, and we found all your money and the deed in this vault. Have a nice day.
Denzel: We can finally move on!
Connie: I'll say! When is your next Tennis Tourament?
Denzel: I'm playing at the French Open!
Connie: Things are looking better all the time. (hugs Denzel)
After finding out Malloy really did steal their money from them. Denzel and Connie got their house back. Steve's reality show 'The College Professor' proved a huge success. Denzel got to play in the French Open. Malloy's and Woody's corpses were never found. Nor did notice they were gone, and nobody cared to look for them.
Scene changes. Malloy appears turning off a DVD player. Malloy is now in Woody's office.
Malloy: Me being a bad guy was pretty fucking badass! Always knew I'd make a better villain than Heath Ledger as the Joker. Denzel and Connie married? Ha! Not in this universe. Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Malloy's Horror Theater! Until next time. Suck my cock!
THE END
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