Categories > TV > Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffie the Vampire Layer

by LadyFoxFire 6 reviews

On day a package was delivered to the Slayer house for Xander and one of the girls open it… And that was a bad thing.

Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Characters: Xander - Published: 2018-06-11 - 3156 words - Complete

Disclaimer: I do not own the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series nor do I make any money from this story

Bad Author Notes: Yes, Muse still talks to me, just not as often as she used to do.

Walking into the kitty poker hall, Xander headed towards Faith, who was playing a hand of kitty poker.

“What’s the emergency?” he asked as he looked around the room, noting all the off-duty Slayers that were present.

“Buffy’s blown a gasket,” Faith told him as she threw out two cards.

“Slayer pregnant gasket or STD gasket?” Xander asked, filled with dread.

“Neither,” one of the mini-Slayers answered from where she was watching the poker game.

“It’s Sarah’s fault,” another Slayer chimed in, nodding her head towards the girl in question.

“I didn’t know,” Sarah said in her defense, her face red.

“Didn’t know what?” Xander demanded as he turned his attention to the girl in question.

Sarah took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “You know how you had ordered some movies recently…”

“Yeah,” Xander nodded his head.

“Well you received a package today and it didn’t have the usual label of the place you order from but you know how they sometimes allow third-parties to supply stuff,” Sarah babbled in true Scooby fashion. “Well I opened it and the movie inside was unlabeled and unsealed, so I figured it was sent by a cheap S.O.B. who was pirating films but I figured ‘hey we can watch it and then report it.’ So we went into the TV room and started watching it.”

“I take it, it wasn’t one of the movies I had ordered,” Xander stated, the dread he was feeling came through his voice.

All the Slayers shook their heads as the demons in the hall listen in.

Sarah’s face grew redder. “Buffie, the Vampire Layer.”

Xander was silent for a moment before saying “Oh.”

Every human and demon the hall stared at him in silence.

“So I take it Buffy walked in on it,” Xander asked in an even, unemotional tone of voice.

The Slayers nodded their heads. “And flipped out.”

“I think you need do some explaining, Boy Toy,” Faith stated, throwing down her hand and turned to the one eyed man.

“Yeah” Xander ran his hand through his hair. “Anya,” he said simply. “She was mad at Buffy one day, so she decided to combine four things she knew best.”

“What were those?” one of the Slayers called out from her place among her sister slayers.

“Sex, demons, money and vengeance,” Xander replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

“So she wrote and sold the script for a porno,” Faith stated with a chuckle.

“I didn’t think pornos had script. Isn’t all about wham, bang, thank you ma’am,” one of the younger Slayers commented.

“It all depends on what you want,” one of the demons commented. “The Buffie series falls under the medium of script length. About equal measure of script to sex.”

“Of course the Chroniclers series tends to be more script but more intense sex,” another demon, who went by the name of Bob chimed in.

“Chroniclers?” Faith turned her attention back to Xander. “Watchers?”

Xander simply shrugged his shoulder in answer.

“So exactly how many series are there and how popular are they?” Faith asked, turning back to the demons.

“Well it all depends what you’re into as to how popular they are. I mean the Buffie series is basically the demon of the week and they’re pretty popular especially in Japan,” Bob explained.

“Are you talking about demons watching them or humans?” one of the Slayers asked. “I mean Japan is kind of… odd.”

“Odd doesn’t begin to describe it. Buffie vs Tintenfisch is still in the top 10 after all the years it’s been out,” a demon who could pass for a human except for the horns supplied.


“Tentacle demon. Looks a bit like a squid,” Xander put in. “They’re pretty harmless.”

“Gives a new meaning to eating calamari,” Faith said softly.

“Then there is the Chroniclers series which leans more towards the BDSM side. But if you’re into pain then you want the Bloody Willow series,” the Bob explained, turning a darker shade of blue as he talked about the different genres of porn movies. “She’s all sweetness and light until its play time. It’s the quiet ones you have to be careful of.”

“Anya was pissed?” Faith asked looking over at Xander.

“Bit of an understatement,” Xander replied with a snort.

“You have the Hope, the Demon Killer but those tend to be rather G-rated,” one of the demons at the poker table Faith was at put in.

“G-rated?” Faith said with a trace of steel in her voice.

“Yeah. Hope tends to kill the ‘bad guys’ and then goes have sex with some human. Tends to be someone she rescued or a fellow hunter,” the demon answered playing nervously with his chips. “They’re not the most popular ones among the demon community but they do fairly well among humans.”

“Anything for Boy Toy?” Faith asked with a nod towards Xander. “I’m sure there’s a series around him.”

“Well there are the Anya and Xander sex tapes,” one of the demons chimed in.

At this announcement, all the girls turned and looked at Xander.

“And you’re surprised?” Xander said with a shrug of his shoulders.

Faith blinked a couple of time before replying, “No. Just...,” Faith turned towards the demon who mentioned the tapes. “How popular are they?”

“I believe the term is cult following,” the Bob replied, since he seemed to be the expert on the movies based on the Scoobies.

All the girls once again turned back to Xander. “My Ahn was a flesh and blood energizer bunny and she saw no reason not to profit from it.”

“I think Anya could give the energizer bunny lessons on going and going and going,” one of the demons called out.

“Does Mr. Giles know about these movies,” one of the younger slayers asked. “I don’t think he would be happy if he knew there was one based on him.”

“You might be surprised,” Faith mumbled to herself just loud enough for those closest to her to hear.

Xander smirked at Faith’s comment before answering the young slayer’s question. “To put it simply… yes, he knows about them. He’s known since the first of the Chroniclers series came out, which was before Sunnydale sank. Believe it or not, he actual laid down some of the rules about what can and cannot be done in the series.”

“Like what?” Faith asked in surprise.

“No sleeping with the Buffie character. He looks at Buffy like a daughter along with Dawn, Willow and yourself, Faith. He didn’t want to see any of the Chroniclers movies to have relations with someone based off of his daughters,” Xander stated.

“He sees me as one of his daughters,” Faith said in a small voice.

Xander nodded his head before continuing. “Also none of the ladies that his character has relationship with will be based off of Miss Calendar or Mrs. Summers. They were the loves of his life, and he couldn’t see them treated as anything less than the ladies they were.”

“What about Tara and Cordelia? Does Giles see them as his daughters?” Faith asked.

A small, almost evil smile appeared on Xander’s face, the promise things left best unsaid. “Anya knew not to mess with them.”

“But what would have he done? I mean he’s Mr. Giles,” one of the younger Slayers asked.

Faith, Xander and a number of demons looked at the young slayer in surprise.

“Did anyone tell you about Ripper?” Faith asked.

“Yes,” the young slayer replied while a number of the girls nodded in agreement. “What about him?”

“He’s the same person,” Faith said bluntly.

The slayer shook their heads no while Faith and the demons nodded heads.

Xander sighed. “How many of you have ever heard the story of DR Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?”

“Wasn’t he the character in the movie with Sean Connery? There was a guy with a submarine and a girl who was a vampire,” one of the Slayers rattled off.

A dark hair slayer chimed in. “Ohhh… I know that movie. It was the League of… um... umm”

“The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” a dark grey demon. “It was an okay movie.”

“So the guy who was Dr Jekyll who changed in to a non-green version of the Hulk, is Mr. Hyde,” a blond Slayer said. “So you’re saying that Mr. Giles can beef up into Ripper who is like the Hulk.”

Many in the room shook his head, possibly to try to rid them of the image the slayer’s words had planted in them.

With a grimace, Xander replied “Not exactly. Ripper is Giles darker half. The half he only lets out when he has to.”

“So you mean he has multi-personality?” a slayer asked.

Faith started to pound her head against the poker table.

“No, child,” the oldest demon in the room spoke up. “What the Knight means is that when necessary the Watcher can be kind teacher to you girls and at other time he’ll do what he needs to do to protect all of you and this world.”

But then why did he named it Ripper?” one of the Slayers asked.

“Because he wanted to,” a demon stated before downing his drink. “Thought Slayers were smarter than that,” he mumbled to himself.

Those close to the demon turned a deaf ear to his comment since they didn’t want to have to explain to his mate why he died.

“So why was the movie sent to you, boy toy or did you order it for your own enjoyment?” Faith asked.

Xander shook his head. “My taste in movies don’t lean that way, Faith. Anya left me the rights to all of the movies she wrote, so they sent it to me for finally approval, choosing the artwork and a number of little things that are required before it can be marketed.”

“Does that mean you get money from those films?” one of more money oriented Slayers asked. “And if you do then we should get some since they’re based on us.”

Faith shot the greedy Slayer a look. “Why would you get any money, it’s not like the films were based on you.”

“Well, it makes us look bad,” the Slayer countered. “We’re Slayers, not Layers.”

“You’ll need to talk to Slayer Buffy about that, child,” the demon elder pointed out. “Besides didn’t I see you eyeing a few demons recently?”

The Slayer in question sat up straighter, “I was trying to figure out if they were dangerous and needed to be taken out.”

“You were drooling.”

The Slayer sputtered in reply.

“While she might be money grubbing she does have a point, Xan. Are you sharing the profit?” Faith asked.

“Have you every checked your paycheck?” Xander asked. “You’re not getting that much simply because you’re a senior Slayer.”

“It’s in our paycheck?” Faith asked in confusion.

“Would you rather get a check from Bang, Bang Baby Film company?” Xander asked with a smirked.

“Bang, Bang Baby… I don’t know who would react worse, Buffy or Willow,” Faith said out loud.

“Willow,” Xander stated firmly. “She’s of the opinion that pornography, is an exploitation of women. However if the photos are of men or if the film is of two or more guys going at it then it’s perfectly fine.”

“Isn’t that a double standard?” someone asked.

“Yeap, but that doesn’t matter to her. Willow like her stick driving time,” Xander replied simply.

Everyone looked at Xander in surprise.

“Seem to know a lot about Willow’s preferences there,” Faith pointed out.

Xander snorted. “Anya and Will got in the debate about that matter one night. I hear all about what the preference. Add in the fact that I’ve helped Willow move a couple times and saw her rather extensive collect of movies.”

“I thought Willow was like... gay. That she likes girls,” one of the Slayers commented.

Xander snorted. “From what I’ve seen Willow is more interested in the person than just the body, which is a good thing in my opinion. However, Willow also gets hooked on titles and being a lesbian is rebellious and she prefers to be known as one.”

“Won’t being bi-sexual also be rebellious?” someone asked.

“Nah. If you’re bi-sexual then you might end up forever with someone of the opposite sex versus being a lesbian who is only with another woman,” one of the demon commented.

“I have a question, Knight,” a demon towards the back of the poker hall called out.

“Yeah, what is it?” Xander replied.

“Actual it’s two questions. One what was in the movie that sent the girls running for safety? I mean we know it was a Buffie movie but a Buffie doing what?” the demon asked. “And second is there any chance of a Buffie/Willow/Hope team up?”

Those in the room familiar with the different series became excited at the last question.

“Ok, I don’t know the answer to the first one because I haven’t seen the film yet. I know there are a number of scripts that they would have picked from but I don’t know which one,” Xander answered. “As for a team up… probably not. I mean Hope never sleeps with a demon and Buffie does.”

“You could have them both do someone... maybe a demon who became human or more likely a human who became a demon,” someone suggested.

A far off look came to Xander’s eyes before he suddenly says, “Paper. Pen. I need to write this down.”

Someone hands Xander the requested items, which he immediately started to take notes on. One of the demons kindly led him to the poker table and sat him down.

The room was quiet as they watched Xander write down his idea on the paper.

“I need a man’s name?” Xander demanded without looking up.

The room was silent for a moment before the demon known as Bob suggested, “Bob?”

“Oh yeah, that works,” Xander let out a perverted giggle.

“Whatcha working on?” the demon to Xander’s right asked as she tried to look over his shoulder at the paper.

“The story of Bob who as a human slept with Hope and then as a vampire he slept with Buffie,” Xander explain as he continues to write. “It would be perfect for the comic books.”

“Comic books?” was on almost everyone’s lips.

Xander looks up from his notes. “Manga.”

A few in the room groan while the rest looked on in confusion.

“Are they available in English or do I need to learn Japanese,” one demon inquired.

“Japanese only. The publisher doesn’t think there would be a market for them elsewhere or there would be a problem selling them since they’re not exactly PG-13,” Xander explained. “It’s not like most places would carry these on the shelf with normal books.”

“So how involved are you in all this, Xan,” Faith asked with a dangerous undertone.

“I thought I saw his name listed as writer once,” a demon supplied.

Everyone once again looked at Xander as he tucked his notes away in a pocket. “Anya was horrible when it came to dialog.”

“Aha. So back to the manga and Bob the vampire… who will be better Hope or Buffie?” Faith asked.

Xander thought for a moment before pulling out his notes and jutting down some more notes before putting it away once again.

“Well?” Faith demanded. “Who’s better.”

“You’ll just have to wait until it comes out,” Xander answered. “For all you know I could stake him before he could tell.”

“That would be so evil,” a demon moaned. “But an excellent way to introduce a new character.”

Xander just smirked.

“So what are we going to do now?” the youngest of the Slayers in the room asked.

“What do you mean?” Faith asked.

“I mean Buffy and by now Willow are on the war path all because of him,’ the Slayer answered as she pointed at Xander.

Xander snorted. “You act like it’s a big deal.”

“It’s is a big deal. She’s really upset about it,” the Slayer stated.

Xander shook his head. “Yeah she’s upset about it, and she’ll probably be upset for about 24 hours and by that time she’ll be blaming me for all of this. She’ll be blaming me for Sarah opening my mail which by the way is a Federal offense.” Sarah seems to shrink in on herself. “She’ll blame me for all of you watching that movie. She’ll blame me for Anya writing and then selling the script for the pornos. She’ll blame me for all of that.”

“That’s hardly fair to say. Buffy won’t do anything of that… well most of it, after all you help write at least some of them,” a Slayer stated in Buffy’s defense.

“Ask Buffy or Willow about the Kiss,” Xander replied.

“What kiss?” the Slayers looked at Xander in confusion, demanding an answer.

“Xander and Willow kissed while both of them were dating someone else,” Faith supplied. “Of course Buffy and Willow decided that it was all Xander’s fault even though Willow was a willing participant in the act.” She turned to look at Xander. “So while her Highness and Witchy-ness are upset with you where are you planning on hiding?”

Xander smiled. “Plan 42.”

“Plan 42?” Faith echoed back to Xander.

“You can’t think I didn’t see this day coming, did you,” Xander replied as he stood up. “I have a nice safe place where they can’t find me.”

“Miss Willow can find anyone with her magic,” the youngest Slayer pointed out. “She’s that powerful.”

“As you get older you’ll learn exactly what magic can and can’t do and how to disrupt it,” Xander smirked. “Willow’s magic only works on me when I allow it.” He turned his attention to Faith. “Let Giles know that Plan 42 is in affect and that I’ll contact him later.”

“Will do,” Faith replied as Xander walked out of the poker hall.

Faith turned back to those at the table with a pleased smirk on her face. “So I not only do I have a porn star based off of me but I have my own series.”
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