Categories > TV > Red Dwarf


by Zekkass 0 reviews

A ficlet for each season.

Category: Red Dwarf - Rating: PG - Genres: Angst, Drama, Humor - Warnings: [!!!] - Published: 2006-09-21 - Updated: 2006-09-22 - 1192 words - Complete

Notes: Each segment is from a different Season. They're unconnected, so don't expect a common theme.


The first moments of Rimmer's death were not pleasant ones. He was ignorant for a second, then he knew what had happened.

Rimmer didn't have the cushioning Lister had gotten when he first heard the news. Lister had time to wander the ship and ask who was dead. Rimmer got hit with it all at once.

The first thing he did was drop to the floor and curl up, hugging his knees protectively. The floor didn't feel like the floor. The air didn't smell.

Everyone was dead, except for Lister.

Holly merely watched, recording the moment automatically. When they got back to Earth, he could give the psychiatrists there some more data on how holograms first reacted to being dead. George McIntyre had denied it all and burst into song, trying to tune out the false memories. Saunders had screamed at him and tried to prove that he wasn't dead. Every hologram shared the same experience - realizing that they were dead, not-living, and now ghosts. Holly wasn't supposed to examine this data, but around year Two million, five hundred and eight he had felt like breaking up the tedium for a while.

The only advice given on how to deal with freshly-minted holograms was to get them up and doing something. Otherwise you ended up with suicidal tendencies.


"Go away." Rimmer pulled his knees closer and tried to block it all out.

"Get up and go to the drive room." Holly ordered. Rimmer glared at him, but he got up and brushed his uniform off.

"Why the drive room?" He asked.

Holly nodded his headed sharply. Good. If he could keep Rimmer's thoughts away from his new status, maybe Rimmer wouldn't go into breakdown. "Lister's in there. I brought you back to keep him sane."

"You WHAT? Holly, you've gone computer senile. Me? Keep that smegger sane? He'll drive me crazy!"

Holly shook his head slightly. "You're the best one for the job."

Rimmer crossed his arms. "That's the only reason you brought me back? So I can keep slob-central sane?"


"...So if I don't, you'll turn me off?" He pursed his lips and prayed for the answer to be no.


Rimmer glared and left for the drive room.

Well. That went better than he had expected, thought Holly.


Lister hated doing puzzles. Absolutely despised figuring out where all the pieces went.

It was like knowing that your future was set in stone, and whatever you did was already foretold.

He did only one puzzle on the Red Dwarf. He had been bored, and after it was finished, he put all of the pieces back into the box and threw it out of an airlock.

Maybe some future generations of Space Adventurers would find the blasted thing and wonder who had left it there.

Lister hoped that they had fun with it.

His future was his own to make.


"Where did I get this shirt?"

Lister looked up from his magazine. "What shirt?"

Rimmer held up the 'Give Quiche a Chance' t-shirt. "I don't own any shirts like this one. Holly, did I have you make this?"

"No. That one came from personnel stores. It originally belonged to Flight Officer Eian Turner." Holly grinned. "You asked for it specifically, though."

"I did?"

"Yeah. You asked for 'that charming shirt that Turner used to wear - it mentioned Quiche, did it not'?"

"I must've seen it during one of those discos or something..." Muttered Rimmer.

"He never went to the discos." Holly supplied. "You bunked with him for a few weeks, remember? Then Lister got hired and he moved out."

"Oh." Rimmer had forgotten about Turner. He had been in his life, and then left. Just a nobody. "Well. Wasn't he the fellow with the rainbow posters? Repulsive."

Rimmer let go of the shirt and watched it dissolve in a flash of sparks.


Rimmer didn't get it.

Honor was an outdated concept! Only antiques or fools paid attention to it nowadays. Lister wasn't an antique, so he was a fool.

The modern world was no place for honor. If it came up to a life or death situation, Rimmer would willingly shoot someone in the back.

Hell, he would willingly shoot one of his crewmates, so long as he survived.

Lister might think him a dishonorable coward, but at least he was still living - er, existing. It was a little late for living.

Rimmer ditched Lister and quickly ran away from the simulant.


"So you don't mind me leaving, then." Last minute goodbyes.

Lister waved his hands vaguely. "Go, Rimmer. If it's what you want..."

"Are you sure?" Rimmer peered at Lister. (Hadn't Lister wanted to torment him for eternity and some more after that? Hadn't Lister kept him from officer hood to deny him happiness? Where was the Lister-who-held-him-back?)

"Go. It has to be better than here." Lister crossed his arms. (I'm not getting rid of him. I'm not getting rid of him. I'm not-)

"You aren't getting rid of me?"

"Yes." (No!)

Rimmer said nothing. Neither did Lister. Then, "I'm leaving the Red Dwarf. For good."


They looked at each other for a moment.

Rimmer turned and left the room.

"'bye, Rimmer." Lister muttered.


It was horribly unfair.

His first meal with a hard-light body, and he ends up pelted with all of the food on the table.

Then he gets attacked by Kryten the next day, and to top it all off, he ends up hanging onto Lister for life when the new space-drive punched out the wall.

Rimmer still wasn't sure if there was a benefit to the drive, especially after his experience with eating solid food.

However, in the end, the ability to sit on his chair in the cock-pit and maneuver it however he liked was worth all of it.


Rimmer did things like that - find traps and leave them alone, waiting for a chance to spring them on Lister.

Lister supposed he should be used to it all by now. At least this time he was left alone with boxes and boxes of curries. It could have been worse - had been worse, when he remembered the time Rimmer had convinced him to throw out a box of mysterious items that he had later found out to be his last stocks of curry.

Besides, the front half of the Starbug would be back soon.

This half had the fuel stocks.


Lister knew he shouldn't have done that. This Rimmer had screwed everything up, but no one deserved to be attacked by dozens of horny, hairy inmates.

Then again, Lister was angry. They had finally gotten Red Dwarf back, but the victory was spoiled - everyone was in prison, the crew thought he was insane, and Rimmer was back to square one.

Well, this Rimmer wasn't Rimmer. The real Rimmer was off being a hero and saving damsels.

Or was this Rimmer the real one, and the dead one a fake?

Lister found he didn't care anymore.

This Rimmer wasn't his Rimmer.

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