FicWad

Even as I reluctantly rise from bed and get ready for high school, I receive stares from every end of the halls. It’s honestly dreadful, but I muster the strength I need to push me forward. It works. Slipping on a black and white hoodie and grey jeans, I grab my contrastingly pink converse with some darker pink socks and hop on one foot to put them on — hopelessly — as I rush to the kitchen. I shove food in my mouth, somehow managing to put on my shoes and socks, before running back up the stairs to brush my teeth. Pearly white, I grab my bag off the living room couch and run out, meeting up with my ride. Sans the skeleton. He takes all the freshman in his — well, his brother’s, technically — beautiful red car. As red as my eyes. I scowl at my thoughts, before hopping in, next to Asriel. “Hey, Azzy.”

He doesn't say hello back.

After two whole years of being on the surface, the truth refuses to come forth. I probably deserve it, karma for killing him. Twice. But I didn’t kill everyone else. That was all Frisk.

But that girl had convinced everyone, who now allegedly knew of her Reset power and all the timelines, that it was by my hands that my beloved family had fallen. Nothing could be far from the truth. But I had killed Sans, Flowey, and Frisk. I’d finished what she couldn’t, while I was on the brink of insanity. But while I was part of the problem, I still think Frisk should pay the consequences, too. I don’t care as much as I used to.

That’s what I tell myself, anyway.

I frown and avert my eyes from everyone, staring out the window instead. And even if I hadn’t participated in Frisk’s little escapade, I still let her hurt them. I should’ve done something, anything. But I was a coward.

You were incorporeal. Cut yourself some slack.

That’s no excuse. When I was finally able to take over, I helped her finish off Sans. I could’ve Reset or spared Sans.

But Frisk had… made me watch her hurt my family, and it drove me over the edge. If you told me there was someone in the world I could hate more than her, I’d seriously doubt it.

At least isolating me after that ordeal was the worst she could do. After telling everyone I was still alive, Alphys gave me a body, and Asriel a permanent soul. I had half of Frisk’s soul, determination. And she couldn’t Reset anymore. My family is safe. And that’s all that matters. Not my happiness. Theirs. It’s always been this way.

And it gets me through everything.

The passengers are Frisk, Asriel, Monster Kid, and of course, me. All fourteen, all freshman at a new school. We’d been homeschooled last year. I’d say I look forward to it, but Frisk will find a way to isolate me even there, all while putting on an innocent face after spreading a nasty rumor. I smirk slightly at this, but feel someone’s eyes bore into me. I glance to the mirror, catching a certain skeleton’s pupils. I snarl, mouthing, “Eyes on the road, comedian,” before turning away again.

It’s not that I hate him — sure he’s lazy, he hates me, and he’s in love with Frisk — but his inquisitive gaze and insightful thoughts always get me on the edge. It’s like he’s plotting revenge. Maybe he just knows I killed him. I don’t know. He only saw Frisk with unmistakable red eyes, and connected it to me. Frisk wears blue contacts to hide her true color. She was smart enough to do so. He’s fooled by her innocent demeanor, and I must admit, I too was once fooled as well.

Until she started that wretched route. I was too blinded to see that, up until the first monster on the third Reset. Her first route, pacifist, had been ruined by her incompetence. She didn’t know what to do to help Undyne in Hotland. I realize now that her pouring out all the water on the ground was a form of sadism. An opportunity she didn’t want to waste. Then she Reset and did it right, so she could get the happy ending. And I thought that was it. But while I was confused as to why she Reset a third time, I never suspected anything until it was too late. The dummy? Gone. It had a monster in it — we both knew that — but it didn’t die, at the very least. It was a ghost, unable to die, but it was detached from what it wanted to be its body.

And that was still cruel.

When my mom had lectured her, asked her if she wanted to hurt anybody, the silence she gave in turn was all I needed. Granted, she was usually quiet, and soft-spoken, but it was an eerie silence, that screamed an answer. Yes, I want to hurt them.

I should’ve known a human like her was too good to be true.

I snap back to reality, realizing I’m on the brink of tears, and I force them to stay in my eyes. It stings to do so, but no one looks at me. And I’m fine with that.

Arriving at school, I practically scramble out and take off in a run, the burn in my legs, now built from training during these last two years, comforting and yet barely there. I smile back at Asriel, and Monster Kid, and Frisk, and Sans. Azzy and Monster Kid think it was a menacing smile, of course, and cower. Frisk grins right back, the expression hidden as she is farther back than the rest. And Sans still looks deep in thought. I turn back, scowling. Did he have to look at me that way? It felt as though he was trying to figure me out, everytime. What is there to figure out? He knows, for a fact, that I am a genocidal megalomaniac. Proof stood before his eyes, and I did kill him. I even smiled. Corrupted and crazy…

But the only reason these thoughts fill my head everyday, is because the problem has yet to be resolved. One more criminal walks free among us. Not just me.

And while I have no qualms being locked away for my actions, she wants to evade cuffs. She knew my being in a cell would not break me. There, I might only see some prison guards, Undyne, Papyrus, a few sentries and smaller guards. But no one would visit me, either afraid of or disgusted with me. Living free among my family tortured me, the way she’d tortured everyone. So she’d convinced everyone that even if I hadn’t changed, I couldn’t kill them again because I would face consequences. So I should be free. Free to go to school, apparently.

Except, even if Frisk left it alone, I would have driven everyone away by myself. I deserve it. I’d play her role willingly, just to torture myself. And she wouldn’t have to work so hard.

I make it to my first class, smiling as I set my bag down. People come up to me, introducing themselves. And I socialize for as long as time lets me. Soon, these people will follow Frisk. Everyone does.

After all these years, the racism and prejudice is mostly gone. Humans, at least in this country, have progressed to be better. While women were treated like property then, now they’re treated like human beings. It’s honestly so beautiful. Of course, the individual is different. Some people don’t agree with written law. But here, with plenty of teenagers that are moving with the times, I get friendly faces who love monster kind. I soon realize that Frisk might tell them what she told the Kingdom. I frown in the middle of a conversation, a mask going over my face, and tell some sweet girl to excuse me, as I rush out of the room.

Because I can’t attach myself. Because I want to cry. Because I’m about to heave what little breakfast I have.

I run to the bathroom and do so. When I begin to cry as well, I don’t stop myself, simply because I can’t. And, when my eyes run dry, I step out of the stall to see her.

A girl from my class. Deep brown eyes, tan skin, and dark, dark hair. She’s beautiful, even for a pubescent freshman. And her demeanor shows that she’s well aware of this fact. But not in a snobby, stuck-up way. Just a confident one.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“Ehhhh…” I avert my gaze and go to wash my hands. “I’m fine. Thank you.” My tone clipped and formal, I try my best to keep my distance.

“Are you sure? Your eyes are blood red.”

“Well, yeah, that’s sort of my natural color.”

“Oh, well, I sort of meant in general. Puffy, bloodshot. I heard muffled crying as well.” Her eyes hold concern, and it makes me laugh.

“Sweetheart, as soon as the sun hits the middle of the sky you’re going to know a little more about me than you bargained for. I’m assuming since monsters are back, you know magic exists, correct?”

“I know humans can’t use it anymore.”

“Well… that’s not entirely true.” I don’t know why I’m telling her this much… “All I know is, by the end of the school day, you might think me a murd3r3r.”

Her eyes widen. “Really?!”

“Nah, it’s going to be a rumor. That my entire family believes.”

Her confusion makes me smile. “Just hear it for yourself, and believe what you’d like. This, me tolerating this rumor, is part of my job. It’s to keep my family happy.” I smile again, warmly.

I walk out of the bathroom, and get to class. I’m late, but I don’t really care. I get to my seat and listen to the lecture. The day’s wheels turn at quite a slow pace, but eventually eyes stare, whispers in the halls emerge, and I plaster on a grin to keep up appearances. If it’s a maniac they want, it’s a maniac they’ll get. My red eyes help this.

I remember, even as a child before falling, how my red eyes were a symbol, a superstitious, ominous omen. I was a “demon.” And how this made my life less than happy. It had always been that way. No food, horrible clothes, neglecting guardians or guardians that punished demons. But it was fine.

Everything was fine.

Because I got through each day.

Because I found myself sleepwalking through each day.

Because when no one wanted me, I was finally left behind.

Because I fell.

Because I found them. My family.

And just when my happiness soared, I began to wonder if I could return the favor. Freeing them would be the greatest gift I could give. Except it wasn’t my gift to give. And I failed them. I failed him.

And I was left to the darkness.

It meant no more happiness, but I knew my family would be devastated. But I also knew they’d find a way out themselves, and be able to move on, so maybe my death was for the best. A demon didn’t deserve life.

But now that I’m older, I realize I’d deserved happiness. I don’t now, of course. My mistakes weigh on me, and so I’d rather be miserable. But then, I was young, naive, and it wasn’t my fault I’d been born with this curse.

And everyone stays away, as I get my food and sit apart from the rest. But soon Frisk beckons for me to sit with her and her friends, so I sigh and walk over. Sans, Monster Kid, Asriel, and a few humans. It’s the freshman academy…

“Sans, what are you doing here?”

“Eating lunch,” he replies, casually.

“Well, no duh. I meant here, now, when you’re a sophomore. Don’t you have a class to get to?”

“I have first lunch in the upperclassmen cafeteria anyways.” He shrugs. “I can pull it off, blending in with the freshman.”

And he can. He may be way taller than me and Frisk, but he is still freshman level. And since he’s a monster, it’s even easier.

I just keep my mouth shut and sit down next to Frisk. I glance around the table, seeing the beautiful girl from earlier and some other girls I don’t recognize. Must be some of Frisk’s friends. I wink at the girl I do know, and she looks at me with that same, deep-in-thought look Sans always gives me. I look away. Great.

And even Sans is staring at me. Again. Fantastic. Because I totally wanted this. I squirm, uncomfortable. I can’t growl at the girl like I did Sans.

Taking a deep breath, I stand up. “Dudes. Stop.” I look pointedly at the two of them. “It’s annoying, and frankly, I don’t want to be here, as much as you don’t want me to be here.”

Frisk feigns a sad expression. “You don’t want to be here?”

I smile at her. “Keep it up Frisk and I’ll stick a knife where it doesn’t belong. And then you’ll have to try again, won’t you?~” I’m honestly so good at doing her job for her. Driving anyone away.

I half expect someone to put themselves between us and protect the now afraid, lost little girl. And Asriel did. I frown for the billionth time today and grab my tray. Walking to the nearest trash can, I throw it away and walk out of the cafeteria to get some fresh air.

My mood is swinging at this public school. I was able to keep to myself at home, shut up in my room reading, training, listening to music. My range of hobbies became immense. It would be good for college. And, of course I would be moving far, far away. I no longer deserved to live with the people I’d hurt. If I could get them to disown me now, I would.

I hum and walk around a large courtyard, built in the middle of the school. It’s kept well, because of the gardening club. I look at all the flowers, spotting something.

To the untrained eye, golden flowers. To me, buttercups. So beautiful, so deadly.

It hurt, when the poison seeped into my bloodstream. It wasn’t your common cold, not even at first. It pounded and coursed through my body, stinging and aching everywhere. I retched when my stomach didn’t have anything left to give. I coughed and coughed until blood came up.

But it was the best death anyone could go through. Slow and painful, something people would remember for centuries. By the time Dad had found a vial of the stuff, I was already gone, and our plan — my plan — was already put into action.

It put the Kingdom through a lot of pain. They lost hope. Asriel and I, living proof that a human and a monster could be friends, was their hope that things could be better. That when they finally broke the barrier, humans and monsters could fix things. I knew better, even then. And I guess that’s what drew Dad to kill every human that fell, child or not. I don’t think he enjoyed it, though. Mom has yet to forgive him. But she didn’t stop him in the midst of his sorrow, either.

In the end, I shouldn’t have offed myself in the first place. It started this chain of events. And only led to sorrow.

In my heart, I’d wanted it to help, not hurt. But it hurt, and no bandage could stay on long enough for it to heal.

I kneel next to the flowerbed, reaching out for a buttercup, entranced. Twisting the stem, it breaks off easily and I stare at it, my red eyes hooded and dull. Did the surface have an easy supply of this?

No… there were easier, quicker ways to end it. I glance at my hoodie’s sleeves, where underneath lay cuts, thin like rose thorn scrapes. I didn’t have access to the right materials. I let out a breathy laugh at this.

“Hey there, kid.”

“Hey there, Sansy~” Better get him away before he drives me insane. Well, even more insane, of course. “Why aren’t you with the girl of your dreams, hm? Too much hopping around from one guy to another?” This was true. Frisk kept her relationships discreet, but those who paid attention knew she didn’t reciprocate Sans’s undying love. Pay even closer attention and you’d notice her going out to eat in very nice clothing, and at fifteen, with all the trust from Mom and Dad in the world, everyone assumed it was with Sans — considering he tended to disappear for extended periods of time — or with human friends.

If he was angry, his face sure didn’t show it. “Tell me, kid, why do you go along with that brat’s plan? Why don’t you tell them the truth?”

The shock registers on my face, but I quickly fix it to be impassive. “Why don’t you? Why does anyone do anything, comedian?”

“I think you should have rebelled.”

“If Asriel believes her, who wouldn’t?” I laugh. “How did you know?”

“Just a feeling. You have some complex sorrow built into your mind. Frisk just feels fake."

“It takes a lot of wisdom to know the difference between real and fake, Sans.”

“Oh, she also has colored contacts. I saw them in her room while she was taking a shower.” He flashes a smile. “I seldom see Frisk cry, and when I do, it’s big, overdone, dramatic crying that just… It’s never real.”

“Sobbing is real.”

“Her crying feels more like a kid who’s just had a tantrum or a fair punishment.”

I sigh, and focus again on the flowers. “So, you figured it out, Sans. How long did that take? As far as I know, your puppy dog eyes are still quite visible around Frisk.”

“Uh, no? You must not pay attention. I barely glance her way these days.”

“And yet you sit next to her every day. What a life. I’m tired of this banter. And I need you to not talk to me. I killed you once; I can do it again.”

He looked at me, his eyes inquisitive. “You sound serious…?”

“Yup. Watching Frisk destroy everyone… She backed out at the last second, and I was… corrupted. On the bright side,” I say, standing up and stuffing the buttercup in my pocket, while walking past him, “at least I didn’t kill Papyrus. Your brother. She crushed his head while he was still talking. He is such an optimistic, lovable person…” I smile, and head back into the cafeteria, just as the bell rings.