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Chapter 10: Occlumency Again

"Think of it as similar to building a fortress, or a castle," Dumbledore coached as Harry sat in a straight-backed chair brought up from the kitchen, his eyes closed tightly. Sirius' bedroom was lit only by three candles on the dresser, because Professor Dumbledore wanted Harry to start his training with as few distractions as possible - they would work up to a point at which Harry would be able to close his mind in any environment.

"Concentrate on the walls to your fortress, brick by brick, making sure there are no cracks. Can you see your wall?"

Harry nodded almost imperceptibly.

"Think about the door to your fortress. It should be a strong door, not easily penetrated by enemies."

"The door to Hogwarts," Harry mumbled.

Dumbledore smiled slightly. He liked that Harry felt safe at his school. "Yes, that's good, Harry."

"Now, if you have your fortress built, see yourself walking up to the door. Set a password in your mind. Only you may enter, none other."

Dumbledore saw Harry's lips move silently. 'He is truly a remarkable boy,' Dumbledore thought. The old Headmaster had rarely seen anyone take so easily to meditation on their first try. He knew that the boy wanted very badly to succeed, and that was half the battle.

"When you have gone through the door, walk through your fortress. Notice how strong the walls are, impenetrable to attack. Follow the hallways to the deepest, most secure room. Leave your thoughts there, under lock and key. If you have succeeded, no one will be able to access your thoughts but you." Dumbledore knew that his explanation of the mental defenses had been simple, but he did not want to overwhelm Harry on their first day. Once Harry had the basic idea, they could strengthen his defenses further. "Are you ready to try it?"

Harry nodded, his eyes still shut tight. A few moments later, to his great surprise, he felt Dumbledore's presence in his mind, gently probing, nothing like the violent jolt he had felt last year when Snape had practiced on him. Harry's surprise was so great that he did not even try to resist. A voice spoke in his head, the memory of last night's attack:

"/The werewolf will be the next to die/..."

"No!" Harry shouted, and the voice stopped abruptly as Dumbledore left his mind. Harry had not forced him out, but the Headmaster wanted to start slowly, so when Harry became upset, he lifted the spell voluntarily. Also, Dumbledore had been somewhat shaken by the voice in Harry's memory - he had known that Harry's mind was being attacked, but hearing it for himself was a different story.

"How did you do that?" Harry asked blankly, looking at Dumbledore, who was gazing at him through his half-moon glasses, an inscrutable expression on his face. "You never even said the incantation. I wasn't ready." He hadn't wanted the Headmaster to hear what Voldemort had said. He didn't want anyone to have to hear that.

"Professor Snape is an extremely accomplished Occlumens, Harry, but his Legilimency skills are minor compared to those of Voldemort, or even myself. A skilled Legilimens can enter your mind without an incantation, even without your knowledge. With your...unusual situation, Harry, you must always be on your guard. You must, in effect, be practicing Occlumency constantly."

Harry felt tired just thinking about it. "Professor," he said softly. "I don't know if I can."

"You can, Harry, because you must. One of the things I have always admired about you is that you always find a way to accomplish what you need to do. This will not be an exception. It is not an easy task, but in time you will be able to accomplish it automatically."

"How am I going to be able to concentrate on Occlumency all the time?" Harry asked. "It takes my whole mind just to imagine my fortress, much less try to keep Voldemort out. How will I do other things at the same time?"

"You won't be able to at first, Harry. At first, you will live your life as you normally do, but as soon as you feel Voldemort enter your mind, go back to your fortress of thoughts and slam the door closed. You will get better at this as we practice together. And Harry, please remember that Voldemort is baiting you with the things he says. He is trying to trick you into coming to him, making the job easier. You must not give in, Harry. As you get stronger at Occlumency, you will be able to push him from your mind, and you must not let your pain and your fear stop you from doing so."

Harry's eyes, which had strayed downward as he thought of what he would have to do, snapped up to the Headmaster. He did not know what to say to the look of sadness which crossed the old man's face.

"It is natural to fear losing those we love, Harry. Especially in times like these. It is nothing to be ashamed of."

"But it's not just losing them, sir," Harry said very softly. "My friends are in danger just because they are close to me."

"Your love and concern for your friends is one of your greatest attributes, Harry, but their loyalty to you is unwavering. Pushing them away will not make a difference to the amount of danger they might find themselves in, because they will continue to care for you, just as you will for them. Keep them close," Dumbledore advised gently. He knew his young student was tempted to withdraw from his friends to try and keep them safe, but what Harry didn't realize was that if he did so, it would only increase the danger, for guilt and heartache were a gateway to dark magic.

Harry did not want to talk about his friends, for at the thought of the danger they were in sadness welled up in him and he knew that he would lose control. "Sir, I think I'm ready to try again," he said.

"Very well, Harry, prepare yourself." Harry closed his eyes again, and felt Dumbledore's gentle presence almost immediately. He concentrated with all his might on closing the doors to his thoughts and denying entrance to his mind. He could feel himself start to sweat as he pushed against the invasion. A few moments later, the pressure lifted, and Harry opened his eyes to find Dumbledore looking at him again, a mixture of pride and satisfaction on his face.

"That was excellent, Harry. We have made a good beginning," he praised. "Now, what I want you to do is to take a few moments several times a day to shore up your mind, to make it stronger. This is especially important right before you fall asleep, for that is when you are most vulnerable to attack."

Harry nodded. This was not so different from what Snape had told him to do when they had practiced Occlumency during fifth year, although Snape had not told him how to do it.

"Now, Harry, before I return to Hogwarts, is there anything you would like to talk about? Anything you need to ask?"

Harry was startled. It was very rare that Albus Dumbledore gave him that kind of invitation, especially since he had spent most of the previous year avoiding Harry's eyes and refusing to speak with him. However rare it might be, though, Harry had no desire to confide in the Headmaster. "No, sir," he answered.

Albus sighed. He knew that the rapport he had once shared with Harry had all but shattered during the previous school year. He was glad Harry still trusted him enough to learn Occlumency from him, because trust between teacher and student was essential in this branch of magic, but he wished the boy would confide in him. He wanted nothing more than to help Harry with the immense burden on his young shoulders, and he would help him, but it would be much easier to do so if the boy would let him back into his heart.

*

Two days later, Harry was finally allowed out of his bed to walk about the house. He was still somewhat weak, but Madam Pomfrey had visited and decided that Harry was well enough to move, and that some exercise would actually speed his recovery. Harry was glad; Moony was still locked in his bedroom for the full moon, and would be back that evening. Mrs. Weasley had made sure that he was never alone, but he had still missed his guardian.

Ginny had spent more time with him than anyone else, owing mostly to her resolve that she would be there for him, help him. They passed most of their time playing Exploding Snap or Gobstones, and she was one of the few members of the household who did not pressure him to talk about his feelings. She simply sat with him and tried to keep his mind off things, hurrying to get him anything he needed. Harry was surprised to find that he liked spending so much time with her - she was easy to be with.

His occlumency lessons with the Headmaster had continued each morning, and after only three lessons, Dumbledore had complimented Harry on his progress. He was now able to push the old wizard out of his mind completely, but he still had to have time to prepare his "fortress" before he was able to block intrusions. He practiced each day, but it had not been enough to stop the next attack on his mind. He had felt the searing pain in his scar only half a second before hearing the voice that haunted his dreams.

"Do you like the little girl, Potter? Are you starting to care for her? You can't protect her from me, you know...I will find her...and it won't be long..."

Ginny had been sitting with him when it happened, and as soon as she saw the tell-tale signs of the attack, she had run to the door and screamed for her mother. She simply did not know how to deal with this on her own.

Molly had her own way of dealing with the attack, and it was not in any way similar to Lupin's shaking and shouting. She sat down on the bed with Harry and pulled his stiff body into one of her bone-crushing hugs, whispering soothingly in his ear that he was safe with her and everything was going to be alright, and rocked slightly back and forth as she rubbed his back. Ginny wasn't sure if the motherly milksop helped; it didn't seem to stop the attack any sooner than Lupin's shouting had, but she didn't question her mother. So far, nothing had seemed to help.

After the attack, Harry had lay spent in a fetal position on his bed for nearly two hours before Molly had left the room quietly to get his dinner and force him to choke some down. She could see that Harry's body was getting stronger, and she was not about to stop until he looked the way that a 15-year-old boy should. After the food and his normal round of potions, Harry had seemed better, and had a chess match with Ron as if nothing had happened.

When Harry and Ron had finally walked into the cellar kitchen, nearly a week after he had arrived at headquarters, he was greeted by the smiles of all the Weasleys (besides Percy), Tonks, and Moody. Bill jumped from the table to help Harry into a chair, and he sat down gratefully. When had it become such a long walk between the bedrooms and the kitchen?

"Harry, mate, good to see you!" Fred greeted him as soon as he was seated. After the biting teacup incident, Fred and George had only been allowed in Harry's room when either Mr. or Mrs. Weasley were present to make sure they didn't prank him. As a result, the twins had mostly stayed away, only popping in for a few moments each day to say hello. "Have some butterbeer!" He handed Harry a goblet, and Harry looked at it suspiciously. "No pranks this time, Harry. Mum would do her nut and I don't want our lovely mother's temper to ruin your dinner."

Mrs. Weasley glared at Fred while the rest of the table chuckled appreciatively. Molly's temper was legendary among the inhabitants of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, but they all took it in stride, knowing that even when she was shouting, she loved them all dearly. Molly's face relaxed after a moment, and she smiled fondly at Harry. "It is good to see you up and around, dear. Dinner will be on the table in a minute, and Remus should be joining us soon."

Harry took a sip of butterbeer and felt the usual sensation of his insides warming pleasantly as it went down his throat. It felt good to be drinking something besides water; because of his dehydrated state when he had arrived, Madam Pomfrey had allowed nothing else, not even pumpkin juice.

Moony joined everyone at the table a few minutes later, looking as tired and haggard as he always did after the full moon, but happy to see Harry out of bed and looking better. He took the chair next to Harry and clapped him softly on the shoulder. "Alright, Harry?" he asked.

"Alright, Moony," Harry grinned. It felt wonderful to be sitting here among his friends after the confines of Sirius' bedroom, and in spite of his fatigue, Harry felt rather happy and content. The worries of the world seemed far away as Molly and Tonks (who only spilled a little of the gravy) set a huge supper of roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and fresh green beans on the long table.

Molly noticed with some satisfaction that although Harry did not consume three helpings of everything like Ron, he did almost clear his plate of chicken and potatoes, and when the pudding had come out, he had even taken a bit of it and seemed to enjoy it. Soon after the pudding, however, Harry's face started to grow pale and he swayed slightly in his seat as Fred and George were describing their day in the shop at Diagon Alley.

Remus noticed this at the same time as Molly, and the two exchanged a glance, reaching an unspoken agreement that Remus would take Harry upstairs and sit with him tonight. "Alright, everyone, say goodnight to Harry - he still needs his rest and Madam Pomfrey said to take it slowly at first," Molly proclaimed.

Harry was grateful that he had not had to leave on his own - he felt it would have been rude, when everyone had come to see him and Mrs. Weasley had cooked such a good dinner. But there was no denying that he felt very tired. He had not really believed Madam Pomfrey's predictions that even an hour spent sitting at table would wear him out, but now he understood how little strength he really had.

"Night, mate," said Fred and George together.

"Good night, Harry," said Ginny, smiling at him. "I still want that Exploding Snap rematch tomorrow."

"Night, 'arry," said Ron, whose mouth was full of his fourth helping of pudding.

Bill and Charlie both shook his hand briefly, and Arthur clapped his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Sleep well, Harry."

Molly was the last to say goodnight. She gave him a gentle hug as he was walking out the door, whispering, "If you need anything, dear, all you have to do is ask."

"Night, everyone," Harry said weakly as Remus supported him slightly, one hand around Harry's waist. "Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Weasley, it was delicious."

*

Upon reaching Sirius' bedroom, Harry took his potions, changed back into pajamas, and settled into bed comfortably, glad to see Moony take his seat in the old armchair once again.

"So, how have you been these last few days, Harry?"

"I've been alright," Harry answered, and then, seeing the suspicious look on Moony's face, added, "Really, Moony, I have. I'm feeling a lot better now than I was."

"I'm glad to hear that, kiddo." Harry was startled. No one besides Sirius had ever called him "kiddo." Remus noticed the look on his charge's face. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing," Harry mumbled. "It's just that...Sirius called me 'kiddo.' It was weird hearing it from someone else, that's all."

Remus sighed. "I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't realize..."

"It's OK," Harry said quickly. He didn't want to talk to Moony about Sirius tonight. He just didn't feel like he was ready to do that yet, and he could not bear to see his sadness mirrored in his guardian's eyes.

"Do you want to talk about..."

"No," Harry interrupted. "Not tonight, Moony. Please." There was a note of desperation in his voice.

For a moment it looked as though the older man was about to argue, but he just couldn't bring himself to force anything out of Harry at the moment. "OK, Harry," he said softly. "But when you are ready, I'm here."

"Thanks," Harry answered. For a few moments, they sat in uncomfortable silence, Harry looking down at his hands, Remus staring into the fire he had lit in the grate.

Remus finally broke the silence. "How have your Occlumency lessons been going?"

Harry was glad to talk about something that did not involve Sirius, or even Voldemort directly. "Not bad...I think I've learned more from Professor Dumbledore in three days than I did all last year with Snape."

Lupin smiled slightly. Harry sounded so much like James had when he talked about Snape. "You really should call him Professor Snape, Harry, you know that, right? I don't like him much either, but he is on our side, and he is your teacher."

"Are you sure he's on our side?" Harry asked. That was something that had been bothering him since fourth year, when he had found out that Snape was a Death Eater who had changed sides in the First War.

"I'm certain of it," Remus answered definitely.

"Why?"

"That's another story for another time, Harry, but suffice it to say that no matter what my personal feelings are towards him, he is working for the Order, at great risk to himself."

Harry frowned. With their new openness, he had been hoping to get some information out of Moony, but one look at his guardian's face told him that this particular subject was closed. Not wanting to stray into dangerous waters tonight, Harry told Remus all about his lessons with Dumbledore, even bragging a little that he could manage to get the Headmaster out of his mind within seconds now.

"That's quite an accomplishment, you know," Remus said. "Professor Dumbledore is probably the most advanced Legilimens in the wizarding world. To be able to push him out of your mind is quite a feat."

Harry smiled at the praise, but clarified, "Well, I can't do it all of a sudden yet. I have to know that it is coming so I can prepare."

"That is how you learn," Remus assured him. "If you keep progressing at this rate, by the end of summer, Occlumency will come as naturally to you as flying a broomstick." He carefully avoided mentioning to Harry that he knew Harry had not been able to stop Voldemort's attack the previous day. In his wolf form, Remus was able to hear unusually well, and had heard Ginny's calls for her mother when it had happened. He didn't bring it up, though, because Harry was so proud of his successes so far, and Lupin didn't want to ruin that for him.

"How are you sleeping, Harry?" Moony asked this next question cautiously. He knew Harry had not woken up screaming, but he could still see hints of the black bags under the young wizard's eyes.

"OK," Harry answered.

"Is that the truth, Harry?" Remus asked him firmly.

Harry looked at his hands. "Well, I haven't had any visions or anything in my dreams. But I keep having the same nightmare...the one about Sirius falling through the veil."

It was the answer Remus had been expecting, but it still caused him to choke up a bit. He just wished there was more he could do for Harry. "I know, Harry. I know," he said heavily.

"No one else knows," Harry said anxiously. "There is always someone in here with me, but usually when I wake up, they have fallen asleep and don't hear me. I haven't been screaming like...like I did at the Dursleys." Harry unconsciously touched the side of his face where Uncle Vernon had hit him. The bruise was completely healed, but it would be a long time before Harry forgot the hatred in Uncle Vernon's eyes that night.

"Harry, you have my word that what you say to me will remain with me, and me only," Remus promised him. "And if, for some reason, I feel it necessary to tell someone else anything you have said, I promise I will let you know before I do. OK?"

Harry nodded, feeling very grateful to Lupin at that moment. No one had ever made that promise to him, not even Ron and Hermione. "Thanks," he mumbled, and Remus noticed that his eyes were beginning to droop.

"I think its time you got some sleep, Harry," Remus told him. "I'll be here all night, so if you need me for anything..."

Feeling safer and more content than he had in weeks, Harry turned on his side, pulled his blankets up over his body, and soon fell into a deep sleep. Remus Lupin, unlike Harry's other minders, did not sleep, but simply sat with Harry, watching him. A few hours later, when the boy began mumbling in his sleep and broke out into the sweat that always accompanied his nightmares, his guardian was right there, smoothing his hair back from his face and mopping his brow with a cool cloth. Harry did not wake, but he seemed to sleep more calmly afterwards, and for that, Moony was thankful from the bottom of his heart.