FicWad

She made a tsk' noise. "You sneak, Gerard.
That was private and confidential. Do you
want Frank to read your file?"

Ha! Even if Frank wanted to read my file,
he couldn't. It wasn't in with all the others.
I checked. In fact, I turned that whole room
upside down just looking for it. I know the
files in that room were just copies of the
originals. The originals were in Markman's
office. The originals I couldn't get to. That
exceedingly annoyed me. What was so
shocking that they couldn't make a copy of
my file?

I wrote: My file isn't in there. I checked.
Where is it?

I don't think you want to read your file,"
Markman said softly.

I rolled my eyes and placed the graphite
back to the paper. I put in writing my
strong desire: I think I do!'

"Are you concerned about Frank because
he reminds you of someone?" Markman
asked suddenly. She had been brooding for
a while. "Another boy, around the same
age?

I shook my head. I didn't know another boy
around the same age. I had been stuck here for the past two and a half years. I only
knew the people who come and go.
Markman took a deep, unsteady breath.
She rubbed her eyes, smudging her
mascara. "Has this got anything to do with
them?"

I pretended to think for a while. I tapped
my chin as though I was deep in thought. I
leant forward and wrote: Everything is to
do with them

I think after I wrote that we sat in silence
for a very long time. Not just the usual few
seconds, I'm talking minutes. Markman
looked like she was at her wits end. I didn't
make any sounds anyway so basically it
was silence on her part. I was silent all the
time.

"Gerard, you've been here a long time."

No shit, Sherlock! You think I don't fucking
know I've been here a long time? I didn't
just sleep through the whole 30 months,
you know

"A lot of the staff trust you. They trust you
more than any of the other patients."

I know! I am like, the king of this place. No,
not really.
I think you're starting to abuse that trust."
Ahhhhh, what? What gives you that idea?
"I do think you're trustworthy. But I think
in some aspects you aren't."
Like what?
"Especially when it comes to medication"
I seriously think Markman can read my
mind. She says something and I answer in
my head and she seems to know what I'm
thinking. Freaky.

I want to try something new."
Irolled my eyes. Here we go.
Td like to change your medication.
You understand you're on a drug called
Navane?"

I concurred by nodding my head.
I want to try a different medication. It's
called Clozapine. I think you will respond
well to it. However, it does have a few side
effects. I want to make you aware that
Clozapine has led to the development of
agranulocytosis in some patients."

A-gran -u-what? She wasn't really
making much sense.

"Agranulocytosis is a significant
suppression of the white blood cell count
in your body. It can be life-threatening.
Because of the lowered white blood cells
it means your body is compromised in its
ability to fight infections. So once you go
on this drug you must tell us if you start to
notice the early signs of infection, okay?"

No, it wasn't okay. I didn't want to die
because of some stupid drug. F'm not sick.
I don't care what you say. No drugs can fix
me. Nothing else worked, why would this?
Maybe it's time you accepted that I can't be
fixed, simply because IP'm not broken.

I folded my arms, knowing there was
more. There was always more.

Because of the risk of agranulocytosis,
you will have to undergo weekly blood
tests to monitor your white blood cell
count," Markman said very, very quickly.

Awww,hell no! I hate needles. There ain't
no fucking way you're gonna stick me with
a needle very week. No, no, no!

I wrote a very large NO! on the paper
and ripped it off. I threw it at Markman
and tucked my sketch book back into my pocket. Then I walked out. For once, she
didn't try to stop me.
*
"Lights out!" The shrill, institution-worthy
voice echoed down the halls and managed
to seep in under the crack at the bottom of
my room's door.

I swear they treat us like two year olds
in this place. Man, what I would give to
be able to control that damn light switch
myself.

The lights flicked off, sending the room
into an eerie darkness, illuminated only
by a few rays of moonlight that flittered in
through the reinforced glass windows high
above our heads.

I heard Frank shuffle into a comfortable
position but otherwise heard nothing from
him before I fell asleep. I always fall asleep
straightaway. I never had anyone to talk to.
Not that I talk anyway.
Something woke me up that night. I
thought it was exceedingly strange that I
woke up at my own accord in the middle
of the night. I never wake up. I always,
always sleep through the night. I was like
a mother's dream true. I never need to
pee or anything like that. Which was why when I woke up, I thought it was morning.
But I quickly realised it was still night
when there wasn't the ripples on the wall.
You see, the early morning sun comes in
through the window, and the reinforced
glass has a strange glaze to it which makes
a ripple pattern on the wall across from
me. Some months the light coming in is
absolutely brilliant and can be blinding.
But at other times of the year, it's dull and
gloomy. That's because of the seasons, you
see.

I lay in the darkness for a while, annoyed
and sleepy. Then I heard a noise. My ears
pricked up. I couldn't tell what the noise
was but I sure as hell wanted to know. I
heard it again. I slowly rolled over, away
from the wall so I was looking over in
Frank's direction. He was awake. I couldn't
see his face, he was facing the wall. But
I knew he was awake. I wondered for a
moment if he had heard the noise as well. 87
I heard it again. This time I was able to
identify it. As the realisation swept over
me like a wave I felt sick again.

Frank was crying.

Not just crying though. Weeping. He was
trying his hardest to cry silently and was
per se except for a few deep shuddery
breaths and chokes, Now I knew what I
was listening for I heard everything.

I heard the uneven and erratic gasps for
air and the painful choking noises as he
struggled to keep it all inside. He was
trying to hide it from me. He was ashamed
to cry in front of me but by the looks of it,
couldn't hold it in much longer.

A sob escaped next, hurriedly silenced. I
continued to watch him quietly, waiting
to see what he would do. He struggled to
keep any noises from escaping for a good
five minutes before finally turning his head
into his pillow and letting go. Even though
the pillow muftled the sounds, they were
still identifiable.

As I lay listening to him I felt like I was
intruding. But I didn't know what to do. He
was trying to hide his crying from me, so it
would humiliate him ifI acknowledged it.
But every one of Frank's sobs stabbed me
right in the heart.

Frank's sob were flowing freely now. It
was real pain. It was the sound of real,
heartbreaking emotional pain leaving his
body.

I couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't
stand Frank doing this to us both any
longer. I silently slipped out of my bed and made my way to nis bed. I Crouched down
and whispered his name. His sobs ceased
immediately. He went as rigid as a board
and then slowly turned to look at me.
I was right; the humiliation was evident on
his face.

Go away" he said, struggling to keep it
inside again.

Although he had stopped making noises,
the tears were still flowing freely. The
small drops of salty water ran in rivers
down his cheeks and sparkled in the
moonlight. His eyes were hidden in
darkness but I knew they would be red and
puffy.

I had never seen anyone like this before. S0
raw. So in pain.

Maybe he wanted to talk? I mimed talking.
I couldn't think of any words that would
be worthy of being spoken in such an
awkward situation.

Why do you want to talk? You never talk
anyway!" he choked out in such a harsh
voice I was shocked.

But I wasn't about to give in. I sat down on
the ground, making myself comfortable.
Ttt's not that I don't talk," I whispered. "It's just that I always listen."
The sobs simply erupted after that. The
soul-wrenching, heart-binding sobs that
stabbed me like a knife. I reached out and
touched his arm gently through the sheets.
I was touching him, but in another sense I
wasn't. His hand shot out and he gripped
mine tightly. We were holding hands, but
the sheet separated us and prevented our
hands from properly touching. I had found
a way around his fear of touching others
and letting others touch him. He pulled
his and my hand up to his face, trying to
hide. He clenched his eyes shut and wept
so hard it actually hurt me. But now I
realised, I wasn't trying to make him better
or prevent him from crying. I was simply
here to help him cry.

I held his hand through the sheets for so
long. The minutes seemed to slip away into
nothing. What surprised me the most was
the amount of tears he shed. I could see
them sliding down his cheeks and over his
jaw. Some ran down the side of his nose
and others into his mouth. I have never
seen anyone cry so many tears. It was
almost like he was pouring his heart and
his soul right out through his eyes.

Thankfully though I was here to catch
them and maybe, one day, I would be the
one to help put them back in.

A/N: IM BACKKKKKKKK and better than ever. So here's a short chapter for you guys I'll have a longer one for you guys tmr ⊂(・﹏・⊂)