Categories > Original > Humor

You Don't Mess With Count Weedula

by HazelWitch81 0 reviews

What used to be a Futurama fanfic, is now a Brickleberry fanfic

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Humor,Parody - Warnings: [V] [X] - Published: 2022-04-06 - 3084 words - Complete

Note: This used to be a Futurama fanfic I wrote. Way back in 2011. Deleted the Futurama version from FICWAD, here, and because I was so embarrassed about what I wrote. Then I found this fanfic on the Futurama Madhouse in the Way Back Time Machine.

After much cutting, pasting and editing. It is now a Brickleberry fanfic. So enjoy this new and improved version! One more thing this Brickleberry fanfic is sort of toned down from the actual


You Don't Mess With Count Weedula!

by: Hailey Sands

Chapter One:

One hot fateful summer day in Hazelhurst. At Bobby Possumcod's Crack House, Bobby, BoDean and Firecracker Jim were interrogating Steve who was tied to a chair as Denzel was crawling through an air duct.

Bobby: OKay, Steve! Tell us about the Pleasure


Steve: I don't know nothing about it!

BoDean: What is it's secrets?

Steve: Why are you picking on me, for?

Firecracker Jim: Because you're Woody's bitch!

Bobby: He's his employee shit for brains! (slaps Firecracker Jim)

Steve: Let me go! I don't know nothing! I'm not a mad scientist assistant!

BoDean: If you dont tell, we ...

Bobby: Will slam thus can of Busch beer up your ass!

BoDean and Firecracker Jim look at Bobby funny.

Bobby: What? It ain't gay!

BoDean, Bobby, and Firecracker Jim were slapping Steve around while Denzel was crawling through the air duct.

Denzel: Now I know what a TV dinner feels like! Always known I've had some connection to John McClane!

Denzel finds the room where Steve was held in and breaks in!

Denzel: It's Denzelin' Time! Let's reenact the beginning scene to the first Naked Gun movie!

Denzel puts Steve in another room.

Firecracker Jim: (Screams)

Bobby: If you beat us up, we'll sue you!

BoDean: Yeah, we have Gloria Allred on our side!

Denzel: Want to know what you guys need? A good long, (throws a smoke bomb at Bobby, BoDean, and Firecracker Jim) Smoke!

The smoke bomb makes Bobby, BoDean, and Firecracker Jim cough and their clothes fade until they're in their underwear.

Bobby, BoDean, and Firecracker Jim: (scream and runs away)

Denzel: And boom goes the dynamite! (laughs) Underroos are fun to wear!

Steve: Denzel! Come get me, please!

Denzel: Coming! (under his breath) Chubby wimp.

Chapter Two:

Denzel goes into the room where he put Steve and was about to free him from his restraints.

Steve: It was terrible, Denzel. They kept slapping me around.

Denzel: It's all over now, little buddy. I'll untie you.

Steve: No, wait. I want to break free myself.

Denzel: Nonsense, you can't break free from ropes, you never could.

Steve: Well, you and Ethel are always saying I should do things myself.

Denzel: True that. Okay, tell you what, I'll give you ten minutes, if you're not free by then, I'm helping you. Also, if you scream, I'm running in to get you.

Steve: It's a deal.

Denzel leaves the room. Five seconds go by and he hears Steve scream and runs into the room

Denzel: Didn't take too long, what the...beep!

Steve was gone. Nowhere to be seen. Denzel sees a bunch of street kids running around the room. The street kids were all ragged looking and wearing jeans and t shirts.

Denzel: Who the hell are you guys, some politically correct version of the Dead End Kids?

Black Kid: We the Turfburglers! The toughest of kids under the age of 10! My name is Yo, Man!

Asian Kid: My name is Karate Chop!

Indian Kid: How! Do you do! My name is How!

Mexican Kid: My name is Tex Mex!

White Kid: I'm Eugene!

Denzel: What have you chumps done to Steve?

Yo Man: We don't know any Steve!

Karate Chop: What the hell is Steve?

How: If you want to talk to us...

Eugene: Talk to my older sister! She's our leader!

A 10 year old girl walks in wearing a black baseball cap, green t-shirt, a zebra print skirt with jeans and Converse High Tops. Her hair was blond. Her name is True.

True: What seems to be the problem? (sees Denzel): Who the hell are you, did you escape from the costume store?

Denzel: Never mind who I am! What have you done to Steve?

True: Don't know him! We're here looking for our baseball!

Denzel: You killed him, didn't you?

True: You stole our baseball!

Denzel: Where's Steve?

True: Where's our baseball!

Denzel and True verbally fight with each other until their voices overlap.

Denzel: STOP!

True: If you think I killed him, try looking at the cameras.

Denzel: Good idea for a 10 year old street girl!

Tex Mex: Found our ball!

The kids were about to leave and Denzel stops True.

Denzel: Just one thing. If I look through this tape and if I see that you and your gang killed him, there's going to be hell to pay! You will feel my wrath! I don't care if you're a girl!

True (laughs): Ooooh, I'm being threatened by a park ranger who doesn't know his own black ass from a hole on the ground.

Street Kids: Ooooooooohhhhhhh!

Denzel takes the camera and the DVD that's it's in and leaves Bobby Possumcod's Crack House.

Chapter Three:

Back at Brickleberry Ranger Station, everyone was waiting for Steve and Denzel.

Woody: I hope Steve didn't reveal the secret to my Pleasure Orgasm machine.

Ethel: Here comes Denzel, now.

Denzel (walks in): Secret's safe.

Woody: That's a relief. (notices Steve's absense) How come Steve isn't with you?

Malloy: Did he get lost?

Denzel: That's what I came to tell you.

Ethel: Oh, no. What is it?

Denzel (puts the DVD in the viewscreen): He got killed by a 10 year old gang girl. This will explain.

Connie: Was she black?

Woody slaps Connie.

The survillance DVD shows Steve tied to a chair trying to break free. Then it shows True and her gang come in through the window. Then it shows True punch out Steve and pull a lever and a trapdoor fell beneath Steve.

Denzel: That explains it. Steve is a goner.

Ethel (crying): Oh no.

Malloy: It can't be. (sobs)

Woody: I'm going to miss that dumbass fucker!. (cries)

Everyone expect Denzel cries.

Woody: He was my Ranger Of The Month!.

Denzel walks out of the Brickleberry Ranger Station building and stares up into the sky.

Denzel: Don't worry, my fat virgin friend! I will seek justice for you! Oh, Steve. You were like a younger brother to me! I was Sherlock Holmes and you were Watson! I was Nayland Smith and you were Dr. Petrie! I was Sonic and you were Tails! I was the Skipper and you were Gilligan! I was Estrada and you were Wilcox! I was McGarrett and you were Danno! I HATE GANGS! I swear to all that is holy that I will get my revenge! I will kill all GANGS!

Just then True and her gang throw a milk bottle at him.

True: Hey, ranger! Got Milk! (laughs) Later, toilet man!

True and her gang ride away on their hoverbikes!


Chapter Four:

The next day, they all held a private memorial service for Steve. Then Ethel gets an idea.

Ethel: You know people. I don't believe Steve is really dead.

Malloy: He is dead, you saw the DVD.

Woody: She's in the denial phase, everyone. I say we sedate her!

Connie: Sedate Ethel! I'll be happy to do that!

Malloy: Fine! Let's hear what she has to say.

Ethel: Steve is out there, and we're all going to find him. Dead or Alive!

Connie: Like Bon Jovi?

Woody: What do you suggest we do?

Ethel: We are going to search all over Hazelhurst! We are going to search every farmhouse, warehouse, big house, small house, townhouse, dollhouse and doghouse as possible!

Woody: What is possessing you do to this?

Ethel: This is one of Bobby's fiendish schemes. We all know how treacherous he can be.

Woody: Never underestimate the power of a dumb hick!

Malloy: I'm going with Ethel to find Steve.

Woody: I'll go, too. There's a possibility he's dead.

Ethel: I'm aware of that. Let's go everyone.

Woody: Hmmmm, wonder why Denzel didn't join? Oh, well. (sleeps)

Ethel, Malloy, Woody, and Connie board the PE Ship and scope around Hazelhurst, still no sign of Steve.

Chapter Five:

Denzel was in his house putting on a disguise. The disguise consisted of a green cape with the letters CW on it, a black mask and a purple belt with gun holsters

Denzel: This is a dawning of a new era! Gangs beware! For you are about to face a new enemy! From this day on, I am...Count Weedula!

Ethel comes in.

Denzel: State your purpose or die!

Ethel: Just wanted to know if you wanted to join our search?

Denzel: No way, Ethel. I'm more interested in revenge!

Ethel: So, you're a superhero now?

Denzel: More like vigilante. I am now Count Weedula! Steve would've wanted it this way. He used to want to be a hero.

Ethel: That he was. He tried to be like one of those Street Fighter characters. So, you're living vicariously through him now?

Denzel: Exactly.

Ethel: Say, would you like me to be your secretary?

Denzel: No! Count Weedula works alone. (leaves the apartment.)

Ethel: Where are you going?

Denzel: Atlanta! There's a bank robbery there. To justice and freedom!

Denzel goes on his motor cycle and heads to Atlanta . In Atlanta, some bank robbers ran out of the Millionth National Bank.

Robber 1: Wow! Look at all this money we got!

Robber 2: I stole some jewelry from an old lady!

Roober 3: Big deal dude! I got a VISA! It's everywhere you want to be!

Just then Count Weedula comes out of hiding and beats up the robbers. The third one gets away but he catches him.

Count Weedula (grabs robber's shirt): When you go home, I want you to tell all your friends about me...

Robber 3: Who are you?

Count Weedula (holds Robber close): I'm Count Weedula! (Throws Robber down a manhole.)

Chapter Six:

Back at Brickleberry Ranger Station, Denzel, Ethel, Woody, and Malloy are all watching a news report about a riot caused by some Truck Drivers who worship the All Mighty Hemorrhoidat Hazelhurst Community College.

Malloy: Oh, no! That's my school!

Ethel: It's not your school anymore.

Woody: You graduated, remember?

Denzel: Yeah, you just went there to fuck around with sorotiity chicks. I'm outta here! (Denzel leaves on his motorcycle).

Malloy: Hope Fucka Lucka Muck is okay.

Connie: Where's Denzel going?

Ethel: He's a vigilante now. He's avenging Steve's death.

Woody: Why don't you go help him you useless ass backwards bust?

Connie (jumps in the air and his eyeballs stretch out): WHAT?! You want me to be a hero's helper? Crime is scary!

Woody (exsparated): Never mind.

At Hazelhurst Community College, a gang of Truck Drivers were terrorizing the campus. Then Count Weedula arrives on his hovercycle and takes out a bazooka.

Truck Driver 1: Repent! Repent! Worship the All Mighty Hemorrhoid!

Truck Driver 2: Worship him or die!

Truck Driver 3: All Mighty Hemorrhoid! All Mighty Hemorrhoid!

Terrorized college kids are running away and screaming. Then Count Weedula uses his bazooka to blow them away. Only one remains.

Count Weedula (walking up to the surviving Truck Driver): Believe in the All Mighty Hemorrhoid?

Truck Driver 3 (hesitantly): YES?!

Count Weedula: Gonna meet him! (blows away Truck Driver).

Then all the girls come running to meet Count Weedula.

Girls: Oooooh! My hero! Can I have your autograph? Who are you, masked hero? Oooooh, Caped Crusader!

Count Weedula: I can get used to this!

Chapter Seven:

Count Weedula rides his motorcycle to The Local Bar. Where he got word that the Gay Mafia has held up the place.

Song: Queens of the Stone Age: The Hollow plays.

Member #1: Freeze! And nobody gets hurt!

Member #2: Stay where you are and shut up!

There are screams heard.

Member #3: Move and you'll all get the squeeze!

Member #1 (laughs): Good one, Member #3.

Count Weedula crashes his hovercycle and takes out a machine gun.

Count Weedula: Halt, Scumbags!

Member #2: Get outta here, ya Caped Crusader!

Member #1: Get out before you get yourself hurt!

Count Weedula: You and your gang are going down!

Member #3: Bite us!

Count Weedula (takes out his machine gun and shoots): Bite this! Motherfuckers!

Using his gun, Count Weedula shoots up the Gay Mafia until they run away. Then a transgender ranger comes up to him.

Transtripper: Wanna Dance? Wanna Dance? Anybody wanna dance?!

Count Weedula (punches out): You're not my type.

Everyone at The Local Bar claps for him.

Count Weedula: Thank you, thank you! You're all too kind! I'm great I know! (takes out a picture of Steve) Doing this for you. Hope you're having fun in skinny heaven. I'm getting those kids who murdered you! I'm saving them for last.

Song Ends

Chapter Eight:

Two months have passed and still no sign of Steve. Count Weedula continues to torture and maim street gangs. There was even a news report about him.

Dana: Good evening. For the past two months, a caped vigilante named Count Weedula has been brutalizing gangs all over the solar system and the world.

Greg: Street gangs are getting what they deserve! A kick in the ass!

Dana (laughing): Still no word on missing forest ranger Steve Williams.

Woody: We might as well face it, Steve is dead.

Malloy: We've looked everywhere for him for the past two months.

Ethel: There's one place we haven't looked. Bobby Possumcod's Crack House. Come on.

Woody, Ethel, Malloy, and Connie all walk to Bobby Possumcod's Crack House only to see a bunch of street gangs laying around badly injured.

Connie: Boy, Denzel sure has a lot of anger.

Count Weedula (stops his hovercycle): I'm going to get those kids who killed Steve. They're in Harlem. Wish me luck! (speeds away).

In Harlem, True and her gang were skateboarding in an alley. Count Weedula arrives.

Count Weedula: True Wilkerson! You and I have some unfinished business!

True and the Turfburglars stop skateboarding and walk up to him.

Eugene: It's that ranger again, big sister!

True: Well, well, well! If it isn't Captain Fuckass Pants!

Kids: (laughing)

Count Weedula: I just found on that survillance DVD that you killed Steve. You and your gang are going to pay!

True: Once I get through with you, you'll be on the top of the scrap heap with your flesh burning in the garbage crasher!

The Turfburglars attack him by throwing rocks.

Tex-Mex: Ole!

Karate Chop: Bonzai!

Yo Man: (beatboxing)

How: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

True and Eugene join in and Count Weedula walks up to a fire hydrant and uses a wrench to open it.

Count Weedula: You and your Turfburglars are history!

The fire hydrant sprays the Turfburglars away.

Chapter Nine Conclusion:

At Bobby Possumcod's Crack House, Ethel, Woody, Malloy, and Connie were searching outside.

Connie: Still haven't found him.

Malloy: Ethel! Ethel! I found Steve!

Ethel: You did?

Malloy leads them to a window in a basement. Steve was inside. He was tied up. His hands were tied to the armrests, and he had ropes around his chest, hips, and lap. His ankles were tied together.

Ethel: It's him, he's alive! We have to tell Denzel.

Woody: Saints be praised! He's alive!

Malloy: He's all tied up.

Connie: I never gave up hope!

Ethel: Let's go to Harlem and break the news to Denzel!

Meanwhile in Hazelhurst, Count Weedula walks over the unconscience street kids.

Count Weedula: (To True): No matter what you do with your life, you are always going to be garbage! I hope you become a teen mom!

Count Weedula was about to punch True in the face and Ethel came on the scene. Denzel takes off his costume.

Ethel: Denzel! Denzel! Denzel!

Denzel: Ethel! Ethel! Ethel! Don't you know how annoying that sounds?

Woody: We found Steve!

Malloy: He's tied up in Bobby's basement.

Denzel: Get outta town, man!

Ethel: I'm telling the truth. We'll take you to him!

Denzel: Fine.

They all arrived at Bobby Possumcod's Crack House.

Ethel: Go in and get him.

Denzel goes through the back window.

Steve (muffled): Mmmmm! Mmmmm! Mmmmm! Mmmm!

Denzel: Is there a fat virgin in here?

Steve: Mmmm! Mmmm! DEMZAL!!

Denzel: Steve! You're alive! (ungags him) I thought you were dead.

Steve: Mom's sons told me that. Oh, Denzel! I thought I'd never see you again.

Denzel: Now, are you going to get out of these ropes yourself?

Steve: No, I can't. Please help me.

Denzel: You got it, little buddy.

Denzel broke off the ropes holding Steve to the chair.

Steve: I was held captive for two months! Bobby, BoDean, and Firecracker Jim fed me bread and water and sedated me.

Denzel: I'm never letting you out of my sight again. From now on, next time you go somewhere, me or Ethel will take you.

Steve: Sounds fair. 2 months. I practically missed the whole summer. 2 months I'll never get back.

Denzel: Think you'd be more upset about When you got your ass kicked by space cows! ...

Once Denzel freed Steve from his restraints, Steve jumped off the chair and hugged Denzel.

Steve (sobbing and hugging Denzel): You're my best friend in the world!

Denzel: All right! Enough of the tearful reunion!

Carrying Steve, Denzel walks outside and got out of the building. Steve ran up to Ethel.

Steve: Ethel! (Hugs her)

Ethel: Steve. You're alive and safe!

A crowd was watching and clapped for them.

Malloy: We never stopped looking for you.

Woody: Welcome home, Ranger of The Month although you're a fucking dumbass!

Ethel: So, anything I can do for you?

Steve: Yes, I want a nice dinner, and to go to sleep for about a week. But for now, I want to be in your arms!

Ethel: Whatever you want.

Denzel: All right folks, nothing else to see, show's over! Don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

Later that day Mayor Todd Ford gives Count Weedula a metal for his outstanding community service! And there was a party in the streets. Then it shows Count Weedula on top of the Brickleberry Ranger Station building with Steve and Ethel looking at him admiringly.

VO: Wherever there's injustice and crime. Count on the Count! Count Weedula! Who fights for truth, justice, and the Sweet Baby Jesus way!


Closing Credits.
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