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my name is momota kaito.

i’m in a relationship with ouma kokichi. though, maybe calling it a relationship isn't quite right. i'm... stuck with him is more accurate to say. we're in class right now. i don't really pay attention to whatever is happening in class anymore. everyone has already deemed me to be a lost clause. i sit in the back, right next to ouma. if i look at him now, he'll smile and wave at me, all cutesy-like.

it's a facade he likes to put on. act cute and nice when we're in class. pretend to be a proper boyfriend to me. sometimes he even does it when we're alone.

when we're alone... alone...

i can pretend our alone time isn't so awful for now. class time is nice, even if i still remain isolated with ouma. it's a good couple of hours where i can sit quietly and stare off outside at the sky and lose myself in my daydreams. it's not much, but with what my life has become, i do enjoy it.

things weren't like this at first. during the first school year, prior to ouma taking over my life, i was popular and loud and outspoken. i had friends, lots of them too. i wasn't perfect. i can recognize my faults better than most. i loved ouma. developed a little crush on him, and was delighted when we grew closer and shared our first kiss, but things very quickly took a turn for the worst after... when he revealed himself to me...

but there's not need to waste time thinking about that now.

we're in our final year, and we're both 18 now. i don't know what i'm going to do when we leave hope's peak. ouma has already made it clear that he intends to stay in my life and provide for me no matter what, so things won't really change when we're out of here. at least, when i'm trapped at home, handcuffed to the bed frame with no way of escaping, ouma will let me use the internet to browse... keep up with space information. even if he'll keep track of my internet history and demand explanations for any gaps, like he already does on the weekends.

ah. i guess thinking about what ouma does is unavoidable. he dominates my life and my thoughts, after all.

check the clock. class will be over soon. ouma will take me back to our dorm and i'll have no choice but to accept whatever he does to me. hahaha... haha... ha.

ha.

"momota-kun, have you been listening?" my teacher asks, pulling me away from my thoughts.

"no," i say with a smile on the face, but there's no joy behind my words.

"do you care about school at all anymore? you used to be a great student, but now it seems like you can't be bothered to care about your education at all," my teacher continues with a heavy sigh. i'd be pissed about this if not for the fact that my teacher doesn't know better. i can't blame him for not knowing the truth behind my decay.

"well, the rest of class, i hope you valued my lecture. i put a lot of thought into it and i hope that's clear to you all. class is just about over now, so you can pack up your things and leave as soon as the chime goes off as per usual. have a great day, everyone." the teacher says, and i want to put my head in my hands and cry. but i can't. i know what kokichi would do if i were to have a public meltdown, so i'll keep it to myself. if i'm left alone today, maybe i could cry later anyway.

god, it sure is depressing that this is my mindset with things now. kokichi has ruined me.

"hey, kai-tan, don't worry. you'll always be with me, okay? you don't have to worry about being a total failure because i'll take care of you. now let's pack up, okay?" i hear kokichi say, as he gently pats my arm. it's anything but reassuring at this point, and there's a bit ot bite to his words anyway. he's trying to make me feel worse, and i know it.

"okay, kokichi-sama." i mutter, a smile on my face again, but there's still no joy behind any of it. kokichi-sama is how he expects me to refer to him always, he gets a thrill out of hearing me put so much power to his name, especially knowing how i used to be. seeing me this weak and defeated inspires so much joy for him. but still, i move to start putting my stuff away, into the bag kokichi bought me for school this year. he makes all my decisions for me.

kokichi does the same and stands up from his desk, waving at some of the students in class. he's not popular, but he has friends who don't know better. i'm sure they probably wouldn't care about what's happening to me even if they were aware though. they're always whispering about how i don't deserve him when they think i can't hear them, or about how they're surprised he's still with me now that i'm such a lost cause. because they all think my failure is my fault, and that i just don't care about my education. but it's hard to care about anything when i'm this miserable everyday.

but back to what kokichi's up to, i guess. he moves over to my desk, shooting me a wide grin. "i already have plans for what i want to do when we get home, kai-tan~! we're going to have so much fun together!" he proclaims cheerfully, clapping his hands together. there's a glint in his eye, the one that he always has on when he's come up with something new. it could be good, or it could be very, very bad. whatever it is, i'm not looking forward to it.

the chime goes off. class is officially over, and i'm left with no choice but to leave for today. i always dread this part of the day, knowing i'll have to return to our dorm and face whatever kokichi wants to put me through that day. maybe, maybe he'll be nice, and let me do our homework in peace... but given what he's said, probably not.

"c'mon, kai-tan, let's go~!" kokichi says, voice sounding serene. i don't know how he manages to mask his true self so well, because i know the real him is a monster. he shifts his masks well, being kind and loving one second and the man who's pulling out a knife and threatening to kill me the next. i won't try to describe it to any mental problems or whatever, he's just a piece of shit. mental illness doesn't do this to someone, it takes active lack of regard for others to be like him and anyone could choose to be that way, even me.

i don't say anything to kokichi. i silently nod and get up, moving to walk out alongside kokichi. when we exit the classroom, kokichi interlocks his hand with mine and shoots my a smile. it would've been cute, and probably is cute to whoever might be watching, but it's sinister to me. a reminder that i can't leave on my own and that kokichi will remain by my side, regardless of what i want... i can feel him squeezing my hand. he's letting me know i can't go by myself.

we walk down the hallway, and make our way out of the school building with time. as we head towards the dorms, kokichi squeezes my hand again. "aren't you glad the school year is almost over? soon you can live happily without needing to see other people. i'm sure you'd like that, considering how they treat you, right?" kokichi says, willingly choosing to ignore that things are like this because of him, but i know it's on purpose. he always knows what he's doing.

"yeah, t-that'd be great, kokichi-sama." i say. i can't object to this words, ever. i have to accept and reply as such. if i don't, i know what he'll do as soon as he get to the dorm... it's not worth it. even if i hate doing this, i don't have much of a choice. i'm so miserable...

it doesn't take very long for us to reach our shared dorm. it's kokichi's dorm, of course, but i don't ever go to mine anymore... all of my stuff has been moved out of it anyway. even if most of my belongings were thrown out by kokichi. he decides what i'm allowed to have, and that ends up being very little. even the laptop i use isn't really mine, it's kokichi's... we 'share' it, which is to say that kokichi allows me to use it and then keeps tracking of my browsing history and messages to make sure i'm not trying to escape him.

as soon as the door closes with a click, kokichi turns to me and grins wickedly. he places his hands behind his back and leans forward, a childish and cutesy pose, of course. "kai-tan, aren't you curious about what i have planned?" he askes me. my real answer is no. "yes, kokichi-sama." i say, instead, mindlessly. "i can always count on you to be interested, kai-tan." kokichi replies, mockingly with a smug, self satisfied smirk. i hate you, kokichi.

"well, i was thinking about things and realized a fun little way i could use kai-tan." kokichi begins to explain, and i listen in if only because i don't have any other options. "you have a mouth, right? and well, eheh, i already know you're quite good at sucking..." i resist wincing as he says that, the gross reference to the ways he's taken advantage of me stinking as much as i'm sure he intended it to. "and so, i've decided that i will use kai-tan as a toilet! because really, it's not like he's much better than one~"

wait. he's not serious, right? even for him, this is a new low in terms of treatment...

"don't look so shocked, kai-tan." kokichi says, i guess my surprise must've been clear on my face. "i've been holding it all day, so i really have to pee! i can't hold it for much longer, so be my toilet. unless you don't want to, of course, nishishi~" no... no! i don't want to do this, but i know i can't decline. he's taunting me, too... i can see him unbuckling his belt, and he's pull his pants down... he's serious. he's really serious about this...

i gulp. i hate this. of all the days he could hurt me, this is what he chooses... i'm left to debate whether i would prefer getting stabbed or drinking his piss. i'm sure, to someone, this is funny, right? it's probably funny to him, to watch me squirm with discomfort at the thought of what options i have.

"well, kai-tan, what do you want to do? i'm waiting... surely you should know what i'll do if you don't want to, right?" he says, starring down at me. the light fits his face just in the right kind of way for it to be truly menacing, and it's now i've realized i've fallen to my knees. "i..." i begin, but i don't know what to say. i don't want this. i wish that someone would burst the door open right now and save me. i either do what he wants or get stabbed.

i can't help myself. i start to cry, because the hopelessness gets to me. i'm shaking, i'm shaking, and distantly i hear kokichi call out. "strip, now." oh. he's definitely stabbing me now. he always punishes me when i start to break down, always...! i start to pull off my clothes anyway, because i know he'll hurt me more i don't hurry up. i'm shaking so much that i'm fumbling it with the buttons because of my hands shaking too much!

i can't stop crying. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this... ah! managed to pull it off now. that wasn't too long, right? right?

"please don't hurt me, kokichi-sama." i say, looking up at him as he glares up at me. he's pulled off his uniform as well, and stands before nude. his skin is so pale and bruised... unlike mine. hah. "pull off for pants, too." he demands, eye twitching at the sight of me. i do it as quickly as i can. he doesn't want to get stains on our uniforms, since then he'll have to remove the blood stains and that's always a bitch to do.

he's bending down, getting on the floor with me... crotch over me slowly. if i could, i wish i could snatch that knife out of his hand and kill him. i hate this. he's drawing it out on purpose...

"kaito." he says, a sinister tone to his voice.

"y-yes?" i squeak out, terrified.

he's not saying anything. he's not saying anything...! oh! "GAH!" i scream out, but the soundproof walls mean no one else can hear my scream.

my shoulder... my right shoulder...

it hurts so much... i'm bleeding a lot... but i know he won't let me die...

he choose this shoulder because he knows it doesn't really matter, didn't he...?

"stop crying, you wuss. that injury can't hurt that much." kokichi hisses out at me. as i look at him now, he's liking my blood off his knife. the one he always keeps on his person... tucked away in his jacket. "now, kaito. or else~" he sing songs. not giving me much choice. i try to calm down as quickly as possible. in, and out. in, and out... there. much calmer. i don't know if i can fully stop crying but this should be good enough for him, i hope anyway... i think it depends on his mood, but his is clearly pretty sour.

"there, good boy. i'll take care of that wound for you, and lucky you can stay out of class for a couple days as the wound heals. i hope you're happy with your choice, moron. a little piss couldn't have hurt that bad, but you had to break down crying over it. pathetic, really." kokichi says, every single word dripping with malice. i hate him, i hate him...

"sorry," i say, in between a quiet sob, "sorry..."

"i thought i told you to stop crying. are you fucking brain dead or something? weren't you supposed to be a teenage astronaut?" he replies, before kicking me. he turns away from me and heads to the bathroom, and i can hear him piss before going to wash his hands and knife... i can hear him pull out the first aid kit, too. then he comes out the bathroom and crouches down in front of me.

"you have to get the blood out the carpet, since it's your fault i had to stab you." he says, and then slaps me. i'm too used to the kicking and slapping to really think too hard about it. "you're a real piece of work... but i love you anyway, kaito. because no one can. you've been abandoned by everyone. your mommy and daddy, and your grandparents, and what friends you had. you're lucky to have me, and i won't ever let you forget that." he says all with a little gentle smile, his voice sounding genuine and warm. but it's all fake.

i have to remember that it's not real love.

he begins to wrap something around my shoulder to make sure i don't bleed to death, and pulls me to my feet. i'm a bit wobbly due to my shoulder, but he helps keep me stable and walks me to the bathroom. whenever he stabs me, we always take a bath after to clean up. it's just a ritual we silently get to doing, the abuse being such a normal part of our relationship that it's routine. i hate this, but the most i can is go along with it. if i resist, he won't treat my wounds...

when we arrive to the bathroom, kokichi immediately moves to start filling the bathtub with warm water. i wait in silence, not wanting to do anything to make his already bad mood worse. my shoulder hurts a lot... it'll take awhile to heal up properly, as my stab wounds tend to. after today, i'll have to be the one to handle treating it, unless kokichi is feeling generous, but that's rare. at least i'll be able to rest in our dorm... going to class has it's upsides, but i don't really find much joy in attending class overall.

"alright," kokichi says as he turns to look at me, "the tub is filled. do you need help getting to the tub?" he asks me, voice monotone. "n-no, i should be fine getting there myself." i reply, trying to sound confident but failing miserably. "good." is all kokichi says before he climbs into the tub, setting the first aid kit down on the outside of the tub. i slowly make my way to the tub and climb in myself, sinking down into the warm water with him.

kokichi moves closer to me, leaning in close. i fight the urge to flinch. what is he going to do? please don't hurt me, please don't hu... ah.

"kai-tan, you're so tense," kokichi says, speaking in that cutesy tone again, "why don't you relax a little? that flesh wound shouldn't matter too much at this point. it's not like this is the first time i've done something like this, nishishi~" he continues, before leaning in and laying a kiss on my neck. no. please don't. "didn't i just tell you to relax a little? you've gotten even more tensed up, you know..." you know why i'm tense. i hate you.

he proceeds to begin leaving kisses and licking all over my neck, all the way down to where the wound on my shoulder is. i can't do anything. i can't move, i can't fight it. all i can do is sit here and take it from him. i'm not surprised he's doing this. he does this everyday, and especially is prone to this kind of thing when he's hurt me... i don't consent to this at all, but it's not like he cares.

he's moved to straddle my hips and wrap his arms around torso as he continues to kiss and lick at me. it's disgusting. i close my eyes and try to numb myself. focus on the gentle movement of the water as he continues with his actions, clearly enjoying every moment of this. i hate him... i hate him so much for this. why do you do this to me? i loved you and you've gone out of your way to destroy me for your own sick, twisted pleasure.

focus on the movement of the water. focus on the movement of the water. focus on the movement of the water...

no.

n o, don't touch me there...

i hate you. i seriously hate you. i h a te y o u.

n o

st o p !

"p-please... please don't...!" i grunt out. but it's meaningless.

he won't stop.

he won't stop...

focus on the movement of the water.

the water.

not on how he's... u-ugh.

i hate you.

d o n ' t t o u c h m e l i k e that.

i hate this.

focus on the movement of the water. focus on the movement of the water. it's all i can focus on, really.

i can't afford to focus on what's happening.

i can't.

s t o p p p p p p p

no no no no no NO NO NO !!!

I HATE YOU

I H A T E YOU S O M U CH

S T O -

P



s t o p

please stop

no

n

o

...

......



.........






......

...



"ehehe~ you came so much, kai-tan... you must've really enjoyed that~"

his voice is sickeningly sweet. it's the first thing i've heard in a while. my mind started to drown out everything else. it was like i was consumed by static. i know why, and it'll happen again. the next time he does this. all i can do is grunt in response. when this happens, it feels like all of my words get caught up in my throat. i can't say anything. all i can do is grunt and nod my head like a fool.

so i grunt, and nod my head. even if i didn't enjoy it at all. and kokichi smiles sweetly in response. "you're so cute, kai-tan." he says as he moves to cup my face. i hate it. i feel something... sticky on his hand. oh. "oh, sorry, i forgot to wash off my hand, nishishi~ let me clean us both up." i grunt again. the water splashes as kokichi moves around, and he does as he said he would. i accept it. i don't really have any other option here, so whatever. at least i don't feel t h a t on my face any more. i'm willing to take any wins i can at this point.

kokichi pulls the water stopper out of the tub and it begins to empty. he gets out of the tub and walks over to the closet, and pulls out towels. one for me, and one for him. i'm still sitting in the tub. it's only now that i realize he must've gone through the motions of cleaning us up while he... it doesn't really matter. i'm glad i'm clean, even if my injury still hurts like a bitch. unsurprisingly, being stabbed isn't very enjoyable, especially when you can't receive proper treatment. ah. kokichi should get to properly treating the wound now that it's stopped bleeding and he's cleaned up the blood. from our bodies anyway. i still have to clean the carpet...

"silly, why aren't you getting out of the tub?" kokichi says to me as he turns to look at me after drying himself off. he moves to go grab the first aid kit and to hand me my towel. i was too caught up in my thoughts to think about getting up... if i remember correctly, i think this is dissociation? well, whatever it is, it doesn't keep me very grounded in reality. it's good and bad. i take my towel and stand up, carefully getting out of the tub. i dry myself off, careful around my wound, and begin to pull off what he put to bandage my wound. it's all covered in blood. i guess it's to be expected.

you know, sometimes kokichi isn't so bad. he seems to be in a pretty good mood right now, even if it's because... never mind. sometimes, he can even be loving, though i don't think he has any genuine love for me as person. he loves being able to do what he does to me is more accurate. he can hurt me all he wants and then use for things he doesn't want to do himself. it's a real pain in the ass, but it's not like i can just leave. not when i know he'd killed me if i did...

"c'mon, kai-tan, let's go get dressed. i need to bandage that wound, too." kokichi says in a cheery voice. it's your fault i'm injured, asshole. even if you try to blame me for it, you're the one who did it to me. for having a breakdown when you wanted to degrade me for fun. but instead of saying any of that, i nod and walk out of the bathroom with him. i go to sit on our bed, as kokichi pulls out clothes for the both of us to wear. he pulls out a proper outfit for himself, as he probably has plans of some kind to get to this afternoon, but only pulls out boxers for me.

"look, they're your favorite and everything! only the best for my beloved, nishishi~ now put these on and i can start to treat your wound." kokichi declares as he approaches, and i do as he says. i guess he's right, these ones with the red star pattern used to my favorite pair of boxers... now i don't really think about favorite clothes much. i wear what kokichi wants me to, how he wants me to.

kokichi begins to treat my wounds, going through the motions easily. it's not his first time doing this, after all. "this wound looks preeetty painful! sorry about that... is what i would say if you didn't totally deserve it. this is your punishment, after all." he says, and all i do is nod. once my wound is all taken care of and bandaged up, kokichi gets dressed, and predictably pulls out the handcuffs. "i suggest you use the bathroom while you still can, kai-tan. i'll be gone for awhile. do our homework while i'm out, okay~?" he declares, and i nod again.

i head the bathroom. i piss and then go to wash my hands, working quickly because kokichi hates waiting too long. i get a good look at myself in the mirror. i look disheveled, a total husk of who i used to be. i sigh. it's not going to get any better, and i know it. i try to ignore the hickies dotting my neck now. at least i don't have to attend classes for awhile, they should probably be mostly gone by the time i return to class.

i walk out the bathroom and get into position, making sure i have everything i need close by so i can grab it when i need to and am stuck to the bed frame. kokichi comes over and handcuffs one of my wrists, putting the other half of the handcuffs around part of the bed frame. the handcuffs and the bed frame are made of metal, so even if i wanted to try to escape, it wouldn't be easy. i've thought about it several times but the thought of kokichi tracking me down and killing me haunt me too much for me to even try to genuinely attempt it.

"okay, bye-bye kai-tan~! have fun doing our homework! i'm going to go hang out with my friends for awhile. should be back by night time." kokichi says to me as he leaves, waving at me with a grin on his face. i hate him. but there's no point on focusing on him when i'm alone. as soon as that door clicks shut i can feel my eyes become watery. i'm miserable. i'm absolutely miserable here.

i kind of wish he would just kill me. it'd be easier than living this way, right? it's not like i have a future now. i'm too traumatized to do much of anything anymore. i follow kokichi's orders only because if i don't he'll hurt me. i have no interest in space anymore. i can't reach out to my old friends because they watched me decay and blamed me for it. sure, kokichi's not to blame for everything, right? part of it is my fault. but the least they could've done was had more faith in me. i question sometimes... if they really were ever my friends.

i keep crying and crying until i run out of tears and am too exhausted to continue mopping around. so, i turn my attention to our homework. it takes hours to work on, knowing our teacher always gives a ton of shit to do, and i try my best to answer the questions differently on each of our copies. i put all the work into kokichi's and try to write like he does, meanwhile i kind of just answer randomly on mine. i'm a "bad" student after all.

it takes hours, but when i'm done, i just kind of sit there on the bed and drift away from reality for awhile. no point in being grounded if everything's so awful, right?



...



"kai-tan, i'm home!" kokichi brings me right back down to reality with his words, and i look at him and give a little wave. "you wouldn't believe the run i had to iruma-chan! she's such a fucking idiot, and so entertaining! well worth the couple of hours it took from me, nishishi~" ah. iruma. one of kokichi's friends. i don't know her too well, but she's always talking about me behind my back. she thinks i'm a total freak.

kokichi starts stripping down to his underwear and throws his clothes in our hamper once they're off. "i assume you did our homework?" he asks. "yeah. i did." i respond, numbly. "great! glad i don't have to punish you again. it would've been such a pain to treat two wounds, though i guess i could always just kick you." he gives a hearty laugh and i resist wincing. what's so funny about that? why does he have to joke about the ways he hurts me? i seriously don't understand what's wrong with him.

"lay down, will you? i'm pretty ready to sleep, kai-taaan!" he declares as he shuts off the lights, and like always, i do it without question. kokichi curls up next to me, pulling the blanket over our bodies and then pulling me into a hug. he's a light sleeper, so he hugs me to make sure that if i try to move away or something, it'll wake him up quick. i don't hug back. sometimes it's almost tempting to, to just accept the hug from him. despite everything, i still want him to love me. i want to be loved. but i'm pretty sure he knows that and is only trying to manipulate my emotions. easier to get me to do whatever he wants me to if i love him, right? but i don't love him. i've wished for his death every day for years now and i don't think that'll ever change.

"good night, kai-tan. remember, you're mine forever, okay? i love you more than anything." kokichi whispers into ear and i shiver a little. hearing those words almost makes me want to cry. it's so manipulative and disgusting. he hurts me on a daily basis and then turns around and says he loves me. how is it so easy for him? why does he do this to me? i've done nothing but try to be the best partner i can be even despite all of his abuse, and still...!

now that i think about it, it's really not worth trying to figure out. i'm not sure any answer would please me.

i pull him into a hug and sigh. he's won, for today.