FicWad

it’s been… years, since i escaped ouma kokichi.

i stare at my reflection in the mirror. it’s weird to think about how certain ouma made me feel like everything was hopeless… there are old, healed scars all over my body. ouma is long gone, dead and buried, but he still lives on through the trauma he inflicted on me.

my hand goes over the scar on my right shoulder. i can remember how i felt when harumaki told me that i could’ve died… i felt empty. i felt nothing. and i still don’t feel anything about it, even now… i want to say that, anyway. thinking about it all now makes me want to… want to…

i’m realizing now that my eyes are all watery. i choke back a sob. i look down at my hands, rather than in the mirror, and watch as the tears overtake my vision. i bury my head in my hands, squeezing my eyes shut, and cry…

“kaito? are you okay?” i can hear shuichi call out. that’s right, shuichi… shuichi is…

“i-i’m okay,” i say, unable to make it sound convincing. truthfully, i feel like throwing up thinking about everything that’s happened. even if some days it feels like a distant nightmare, dissipating as i wake up. right now it feels unbearably real, like it happened just yesterday.

some days are just like this, now. i doubt ill ever get… comfortable, for lack of a better word, with what my mental scape looks like now. but my therapist and support network all assure me that non-linear recovery is totally normal, to be expected, even. it still doesn’t make the bad days less bad. i want to be better, to be over this.

shuichi is closer to the door now, and knocks gently. “are you sure?” his voice echoes in the hallway. “it’s alright if you aren’t.” i take a few deep breaths to steady myself and try my best to sound more sure of myself. “yeah, it’s just… one of those days. you know how it is.” i call back through the door to my roommate.

i’ve been trying to let shuichi know how i’m doing more openly lately. i’ve been working towards being open with those im close with, not making them draw answers out of me mid crisis. and i mean, it’s easier this way. it’s hard to hide things when you live with a detective, who is also your... something. we’re close, is what i’m trying to say.

“can i come in, kaito? it’s okay if not… i’m only trying to help.” shuichi says, and i can hear his voice wavering even through the door. he wants to help… he always want to help. i… i don’t know what i want to do. if i should let him in… i want to. but it’s terrifying… i take in a few more deep breaths to steady myself.

okay. i can do this, i know i can handle this. i shove my shirt on and wipe my eyes one more time before opening the door. shuichi steps into the bathroom, looking at me with concern in his eyes. i can’t help myself as i cry a little more, tears slowly streaming down my face…

“oh, kaito…” shuichi mutters, moving his hand to cup my face. “i’m here if you need anything, okay, kaito? it makes me feel bad to see you in such pain…” he continues, speaking in a gentle, hushed voice. it makes me want to sob, to be handled with such care. i love shuichi. i really, really do.

“i-i was just… thinking about everything that happened again…” i manage to choke out in between quiet sobs. shuichi’s expression softens a little, and he moves in closer. “i know it’s hard to get over what happened, but i promise you - you will never be in a situation like that ever again. maki and i will protect you.” he says, voice still gentle but firm in it’s conviction.

“t-thank you, shuichi…” i mumble, closing my eyes and trying to focus on breathing in and out. after a moment, i start to feel calm again. i open my eyes, and look at shuichi. he’s smiling at me. i love him… “you’re welcome.” he replies, finally. he always waits so patiently on me…

“why don’t we go lay down for awhile? relaxing might help you feel better.” shuichi says, and i nod in response. that goes sound like it would be pretty good right now… and being with shuichi would definitely help. maybe harumaki will join us? i find myself growing curious. “harumaki!” i call out, careful to not be too loud.

she appears not long after i call out for her. “yes, kaito?” she says, speaking in the soft, reserved manner she always seems to when we’re at home. it’s not like her regular speaking voice, i think it’s just how she more naturally speaks when she can let her guard down. it’s kind of sweet, now that i think about it.

“we were going to lay down and relax for awhile, wanna join us?” i say, smiling despite myself. i really enjoy the company these two provide me. they mean more to me than i can put into words, especially after… everything we’ve been through, together.

“isn’t it a bit early for that?” maki replies, voice not dismissive or rude. “i guess it is,” shuichi answers her with a little chuckle, “but i thought it would be for the best. kaito could use the rest, and i know he relaxes easier with us by his side.” shuichi continues, and i’m thankful it’s explaining for me. i still always feel a bit awkward asking for help, even if it doesn’t hurt to anymore.

“oh. alright. i don’t think i’ll join you two now, i should probably start preparing for dinner, but enjoy your rest until then, you two…” maki says with a little smile, running her hands through her hair. i nod, and so does shuichi. we turn, and head to the bedroom the three of us share. every night, we all sleep together in the same big bed. it helps me to relax and not be as prone to nightmares, and i know it helps maki and shuichi in their own ways, too.

when we reach the room, shuichi moves ahead of me and flops down on the bed, giggling. it almost makes me think of… doesn’t matter. i know shuichi would never hurt me like him. i join shuichi, doing the same, wrapping my arms around shuichi when i land and pulling him close. shuichi blushes a little, turning his head to the side with a bashful little smile.

me and shuichi’s relationship is… something we’ve never really defined. from the day me and him bumped into each other in the hallway to now, the two of us have gotten pretty damn close. but i think we’re both afraid to put exact words to our relationship, for a lot of reasons. we’re more than friends, but what that exactly means for us is up in the air.

part of me wants to change that.

part of me freezes with fear at the thought of being in a relationship.

“shuichi, i…” love you. but i don’t say it. i don’t say it. instead, what comes out is a heavy sigh, and i lean my head a little closer to shuichi. “i… ahaha. i’m not really sure where to begin.” i say nervously, my brain is going a million miles an hour and i just… have no idea how to begin sorting the thoughts out.

shuichi and maki are normally really good at helping me with this. shuichi always knows just what questions to ask to get the full truth out of me, and maki knows when to push further and dig deeper into things. i’m safe now. i’m with people who care for me, who wouldn’t hurt me. i know how to keep myself safe, too.

i remind myself of these things while i steady my breathing, in an attempt to ground myself and calm my mind. it half works, and then i hear the sound of shuichi’s little hum.

he smiles at me, in a way in which i can tell is all at once sincere but with a nervousness to it. it’s wonky, lopsided even, but it’s shuichi’s smile, and i love it. “take your time,” he says, with a little chuckle, “i’ll still be here when you figure out how you want to say it, kaito.” and i can feel my eyes growing watery again.

i don’t know how he does this. makes me feel so safe and so emotional. drawing the truth out of me like nothing else can when it’s so easy for me to grow numb and distant as a response to everything i’ve been through. i blink away the tears in my eyes and take a breath in, once again trying to steady myself as i attempt to talk about what’s been on my mind for so long.

"... thank you." i say and it comes out as a whisper, because i still can't say what i mean by it just yet. "i… i'm really, so glad to have you and harumaki in my life. i… don't know where, or even if, i'd be without you both." i take another few deep breaths to steady myself and find the words to continue. "you've really changed my life, and me. i… i really don't think i can say thank you enough. for caring about me all this time."

"of course…" shuichi murmurs. he looks nervous, and a little concerned. "i uh, sense a 'but' coming…?" he hides it well, but i can tell he seems a little sad under the nerves. so i suck in a breath and blurt it out. "i'm scared. of all of this. of what we are."

fuck, i think to myself, that was not the right way to breach this topic. shuichi instantly draws back, like he'd burnt me. "oh, sh- sorry do you- want me to–?" he stumbles over his words in a way that i usually find cute, but right now makes me feel sick. "no!" i say suddenly, and reach for his hand. "i… i'm just- i don't know."

i worried my lower lip as i thought about my next words. "i don't know what we're doing. what we are. how to do things right this time." frustration creeps into my voice, and then falls flat. "i've never… i don't know how closeness is supposed to go, when it isn't…"

i know shuichi would never. but the scared animal in my brain doesn't listen to reason, all it knows is to be afraid. and of course, there's the part of my brain that will forever insist that it was all me, all my doing. that it will happen again with anyone i let in, because it is an innate trait of mine to make people hurt me.

i realize i’ve been dissociating when my eyes refocus, and i realize shuichi has been stroking my hand and is saying my name. "--kaito? you're alright, you're safe. you're in bed with me- um, shuichi- right now." ah. right. i… i seem to have drifted away into my thoughts. i chuckle, and shuichi frowns at me. laughing right now probably would be concerning , huh…

“hi.” i say, squeaking the word out. “k… kaito?” shuichi replies, looking a little hopeful now. “hi, shuichi.” i repeat, waving at him awkwardly with my free hand. i’m in reality again, i think. it’s always so… hard to ground myself properly. to exist in reality. i’m glad shuichi is here with me… i probably would’ve spent hours in my thoughts otherwise.

“t-thank you.” i say, feeling unsure of myself as i speak. it’s not that i’m ungrateful, i really am happy that shuichi helped, but i can’t help feeling… weird, trying to talk right now. talking is always kind of weird when being grounded after dissociating.

it takes a while for me to feel ready to continue talking. when i finally feel like i can speak properly, i sigh. i can feel shuichi shift a little, he’s probably worried about me… “shuichi…?” i mutter, looking away from the ceiling for the first time in minutes to look at shuichi. he still looks concerned, but smiles a little when i look at him. “yes, kaito?” he says, speaking in a hushed tone as well.

“i don’t… i don’t know what to do.” i say, struggling to find the right words. “i want… our relationship to go further, for it to be properly established as something other than a big blank.” i continue, looking back at the ceiling again as i speak. i can’t maintain eye contact with shuichi while i say all this. it’s too much…

the ceiling is gray, i think to myself as i look at it.

“if it helps any… i do, too. i want to be your partner, but i… i didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, given everything you’ve experienced, a-and, um, i don’t want to seem pessimistic, but with how this has gone, it has… made me feel justified in that worry.” shuichi says, and i can feel him squeeze my hand and continue to rub circles.

“no- no, don’t say that- please…!” i find myself saying in response, before i can even process what i’m saying. i can see shuichi’s eyes widen and he freezes up briefly. oh no. i fucked things up, didn’t i? what- what will happen now? i close my eyes shut and bite my tongue. “k-kaito?” i can hear shuichi call out, and i shake my head. i’m acting so… childish, i guess, but i can’t help it. for as afraid as i am, i also don’t want to just give up on the idea of being with shuichi either.

“please- don’t… don’t treat me like i’m something that’s broken.” i say quietly, not meeting shuichi’s eyes. “i- i’m still just me. i’m still just- your-” i sigh, not quite sure where we land still. “i don’t need to… be ‘fixed’ or… reach a certain point, before i… before we can… .” i trail off.

i may or may not be repeating what my therapist has said verbatim here, but it’s something i’ve wanted to talk about with shuichi for a while. and i’m feeling too tired and detached to care about what i’m revealing.

“i’ll never be… ‘back to normal’ again,” i say flatly and factually. “there’s always going to be days like this, here and there. i just… i just want some normalcy.” i sigh and readjust myself, looking back at shuichi now. i’m relieved to see that he doesn’t look upset, like i worried, but rather has that look on his face he gets when hes trying to get to the bottom of something difficult. it’s… cute. “i want to try. i want that with you, even if it’s atypical, or rocky, you’re the one i trust the most… so please trust me too.”

“kaito… you’re right. i’m so sorry i made you feel like that… and i-i want to be with you, too, i have for ages… so, it’s official now, right? we’re a couple now?” shuichi says, reaching to grab my hand and squeeze it. oh god. this is really happening, isn’t it? i can feel the blood rushing through my body and i’m definitely blushing right now… but it’s okay. i feel great… really! i do! it’s just… a lot. “y-yeah,” i squeak out, “we’re a couple now! i’m dating you, shuichi… i’m so happy…”

i lean my head closer to his chest and giggle, this feels… so right. i don’t feel like im putting on a front, or like the other shoe is falling to drop. here in shuichi’s arms, i feel right at home. i feel safe. i feel different, in a good way. “i think i’ve liked you for a long time, shuichi.” i’m not really sure what prompts me to say this, but it’s true. it’s embarrassing to admit exactly how long i had wanted this. not just love, or even a relationship, but these from shuichi… to be his equal. to be accepted by him, genuinely.

“...i’ve liked you for a long time too, kaito.” shuichi replies, holding me closer. it feels nice. “ah, will you… please tell me? if i’m ever…” he pauses, looking lost in thought. he’s probably trying to think of the right words, so i cock my head for him to continue. “if i infantilize you?” this sends a warm feeling through my chest that feels overwhelming. it makes me so happy that he really cares about this, about me.

“yeah,” i say softly. “i’ll- i will.” and i think i mean it, too. i want to be better about that, for him. because when he smiles at me, happy with my answer, i feel like everything in the world will be okay.

this train of thought is cut off by a long yawn that makes me stretch out in a way that’s almost painful. “... i guess that talk tired me out more than i thought it would, huh.” i get cuddle closer to shuichi, eyelids feeling heavy. it’s comfortable in bed with him, he’s really warm right now. shuichi reaches for the comforter and pulls it around us, pressing a quick kiss to my temple as he does so.

“i’ll wake you up when dinner is ready, alright? sweet dreams, kaito.” i hum in response, barely awake enough to understand what he’s saying.

“i love you.”

i fall asleep smiling, for the first time in years.